I Love My Pussy

Life’s a bitch

I got up today (Friday) in the dark as usual, the first thing I did was knock the glass of water off the bedside table, the second thing was to trip over the cat (I love my pussy), on the way down stairs I slipped on the bottom one and landed on my arse.

By this time I was scared to approach anything at all.

But I ventured into the kitchen and tried to fill the kettle-and managed to hit the filter thing and cover myself with freezing cold water. When I had dried everything, I fed the cat (did I tell you I love my pussy?), and made a cup of tea and sat down to watch the news, but the batteries had gone flat in the remote overnight. So I had to find some new ones because these new bloody TVs hide the controls from you.

Ok, new batteries in, I turned to BBC 1 for the “breakfast” program, and all I got was static, the digital freeview box had decided to die.

I then had to search around for the TV remote and use analogue reception, finally, BBC 1. And it was only 5.30am.

The cat (I love my pussy) who is a Leary cow at the best of times decided that she would sprint out of the dirt box in the middle of her crap and left a trail of poo right across the hall way floor, and disappeared upstairs, leaving me with the aftermath.

After cleaning it up, I went up for a shower and shave (thank god it’s a battery shaver), no problems, I relaxed my guard.

The next task was to go to the local 24hr Tesco and get some bread, a new freeview box and other vitals, unfortunately this would involve using the car, and the keys I had hung on the hook the night before had vanished. I couldn’t walk because the house keys are on the same ring.

Ten minutes of searching and I found them, in the pocket of my jacket (what?), and set off.

Got there, got my bits and decided to get some petrol on the way out, I pulled up to the pump, put the hose into the petrol filler pipe, pressed the button and nothing, a message came up on the pump “unable to communicate”, tried again, the same thing.

That was when I lost it. If you were passing the garage at that time, about 6.30am and saw some lunatic jumping up and down and shouting obscenities, that was me. Then a voice came over the Tannoy “are you having problems?” you bet your f***ing arse I am.

So I replaced the hose in the pump without getting any petrol and drove home. I opened the front door and the cat (I love my pussy) had decided to throw up just inside the door and I stepped in it.


I hate that F***ing cat.

And it isn’t even 7am yet.


Angus Dei