Friday, 2 January 2009


Is the freezer the best place to put your keys?

Why are the days passing by twice as quickly as they used to.

Why are my feet getting further away?

Why are my arms getting shorter?

Why did I come upstairs?

Why am I in the bathroom?

Why did I buy washing up liquid when I really meant to get bread?

Why am I driving to a house I no longer live in?

Why am I considering buying a Volvo?

Why can’t I remember my date of birth?

Why can’t I get the bloody lid off the milk container?

Why are there more stairs to the bedroom than there used to be?

Why do I make strange noises when I bend down?

Why are my legs going bald around the ankles but, hair is sprouting from every other part of my anatomy.

Why is it that I eat much less and still put on weight?

Why am I afraid to fart?

Why is it that I feel I need to pee and, when I finally get to the loo I don’t want to?

Why is it that your bowels work at twice the speed they used to but, your legs only work half as fast?

Why do I keep losing my glasses when they are on my head all the time?

Why is it that when I finally remember to do something, by the time I get there I have forgotten again?

Why do I suck in my stomach when attractive young ladies pass by, it’s not as if they notice me?

That’s enough “whys” any more and social services will come round and put me in care.

But there are advantages to being an old fart-

You don’t have to shave every day just to impress someone.

You don’t have to dress well, anything comfortable will do.

You don’t have to listen to people you don’t like that much; just a nod and a grunt will suffice.

You can pretend to be confused and get loads of things done for you, especially in DIY places.

You can drive more slowly, which gives you the chance to actually see the road signs.

You can pretend to be a bit deaf, and ignore people.

You can be as rude as you like, and it is considered as “eccentric”.

It doesn’t matter if you go out in your slippers.

If you go around talking to yourself because you have forgotten the shopping list, people give you a “bless” look.

You can pull faces at snotty little kids and no body minds.

You can take ages at the cash point, trying to remember your bleedin pin number.

You can have a good scratch in public without being embarrassed.

You can forget appointments, especially the ones that involve pain-dentists and doctors, and it is OK.

So perhaps the pros and cons of being an old fart even themselves out.

And to be honest there is firk all you can do about it, so you may as well enjoy it.


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