Saturday, 31 December 2011

The Angus Dei Cupid Stunts awards 2011

As Blighty follows 2011 into oblivion, it is once again time for the much awaited list detailing the worst and the very worst of the knobhead bastards that have robbed, screwed and taken the piss out of us over the last twelve months.
The panel (myself, his Maj and the Butler) has spent at least two and a half minutes going through the thousands, OK hundreds, oh all right, the couple of nominations for this coveted prize.

We have decided not to include the obvious such as members of  the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, (apart from a few exceptions) or all the other thieving, useless, inept, arrogant MPs and the “we are all in this together” lying Pratts that think we are as stupid as they are. 

Instead the focus will.....well focus on those who have managed to exceed even my standard of total bollix in the last 364 days.

Starting at the end: 

Number ten:
Will be posted to The Royal Mail who has managed to cut back on deliveries and collections, close more post offices than there are managers in the NHS, bump up prices until it is cheaper to drive to the address and shove the letter under the door and take nine days to deliver a package posted in Guildford Surrey to the Castle dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire (ten miles).

Number nine:
Is transported to the bus, train and airline jonnies who have reduced services, put up prices, couldn’t keep to a timetable if our lives depended on it and give even less of a shit about us than that lot in Westminster.

 Number eight:
Is awarded to all the “energy suppliers” who have managed to bring twenty million households in Blighty to their knees with swingeing price increases, indecipherable bills, unimaginable “plans”, and Piss Poor service whilst blaming someone else for charging more. 

Number seven:
Goes to the European Union which has managed to totally balls up the “Eurozone” leaving more than a couple of countries so far in debt that they will still be bankrupt in 2050, and then has the temerity to ask us to contribute to yet another bailout fund.

Number six:
Is retailed as Tesco, who keep raking in astronomical profits while “giving” us ‘price drops’ and still manages to increase my weekly shopping bill by about five percent each seven days.

Number five:
Is emailed to “The electronic Media” such as Auntie BBC, Channels three, four, five, and even higher numbers who have managed to dumb down our viewing experience with such delights as Strictly come bleedin dancing, Britain’s got talent, Big brother, come dine with me, I’m an arsehole get me out of here, and East Enders which is even more depressing than real life.

Number four:
Has to be the BWankers that managed to lend billions to people who had about as much of a chance of repaying as finding a gold bar in the bog after a dump, and then gladly accepted hundreds of billions from us so that they could continue to pay themselves vast bonuses while we fell into the black hole.

Number three:
Is the first exception; Son of a B....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (my wallpaper shop is going dahn the drain) Osborne who has managed to plunge sixty odd million inhabitants of our once fair land into abject poverty using his tunnel vision and lack of common sense, foresight, fiscal knowhow,  and total absence of an IQ.


Number two:
Is the second exception and is given with many thanks to U-Turn Dave and his brown nosed side kick what’s his name who have decided that we will not have a referendum on staying in the EU, will see our standard of existance decline to the point where Africa is offering us aid, has managed to put more people on the dole than their predecessors, borrowed more dosh on “our behalf” than you could shake a knob at, lied and cheated their way into power and all the while seem to exist in an alternative universe.

And ending at the start:

Number one:
Is of, the general public who once again believed the lying, cheating bastards that have ruined the economy, the NHS, the housing market, the job market and screwed all and sundry without actually being elected.

So on behalf everyone in broken, bollixed up Blighty I gratefully accept this prestigious award on our behalf.



CherryPie said...

Lets hope next year is better, I am not holding out much hope...

Happy New Year to you :-)

Bernard said...

And a Bappy Hoo Year to yoo, my friend. Don't break tooo many tooths in 2012, it kood work owt eskpensive 4 yoo. Wes senz his regardz to Oliver an I senz my West Bishes to yoo four the next year.
Thanc hevens for all thez alkoholik Crismus prezents.
It makes the time pass more quickly. Soon be 2012.
Cheers B&W

James Higham said...

So, all in all, a great 2011, yes? :)

HNY if it's possible.

Angus said...

:) CherryPie.

Paracetamol; Bernard the bottle basher-Happy new twenty thirteen minus one to you too, his Maj sends royal greetings to Wez and says that those double sized dreamies bags aren't:)

I live in hopes James...