Whining, dining MPs: Customised Tesco’s: Human wrongs-again: Wonder Vag and the Sperminator: and Because it’s there.

Cold, calm and clear at the Castle this morn, his Maj hasn’t discovered the joy of anything-thank him/her upstairs and I’m orf to Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run in a mo.

Up to the bit attached to the leaning tower of Ben

MPs and their aides dining in the House of Commons restaurants have complained their soup bowls are too small, their beer is too expensive and their chips are not arranged in a ‘tower’ formation – despite receiving £5.8m a year in food subsidies from the taxpayer.

Their eggs are too watery, they receive change in coppers rather than five pence pieces, and the crisp packets from the vending machine are ten grams too light.

One customer said canteen staff made them feel “like a second class citizen” when they complained that breakfast had run out at half past ten in the morning, according to a log of complaints made to the House of Commons catering service.

One guest in the Members’ and Strangers’ dining rooms wrote: “’The bucket’ of chips, while attractive to some and no doubt trendy, makes for soggy chips. The tower arrangement is better.”

Another said their dinner in the wood-panelled restaurant with views of the Thames was a “dismal experience.”

A dish of kedgeree left one member feeling swindled. “The boiled egg had been cut into THREE quarters – no sign of the fourth.... Petty and insulting way to save a buck.”

The Commons catering budget received a taxpayer subsidy of £5.8m last year, an increase of £87,000, and the equivalent of a top-up of £7.60 for every £10 spent by an MP on lunch or drinks.

In the Members’ dining room MPs can enjoy Pan-fried red mullet with carrot purée and a soft boiled quail’s egg for £4.15 or Artichoke and tomato salad with truffle dressing for £2.05.

But drinks prices have risen after the Commons Commission ruled Parliament’s unlicensed bars should raise their prices to match high street pubs, prompting a boycott from patrons. A pint of bitter now costs £2.60 and a glass of Merlot is £2.35.

 The Commons authorities promised a “full investigation”.

Fuck off.....

And all across the land

My favourite retailer is expected to give its stores an overhaul to reflect the location and income of families who shop there, it was reported.

It will target more of its value ranges in poorer areas to keep customers from switching to budget stores Aldi and Lidl, while its premium lines will be promoted to stop those in wealthier parts from being tempted by Waitrose and Marks and Spencer.

The changes were revealed by Tesco suppliers in trade magazine The Grocer.

It said: "Tesco is set to launch a wave of price promotions and range reviews based on the affluence of areas they live in.

"Tesco has begun talks with suppliers aimed at launching price promotions in less well-off areas where it is facing competition from the likes of Aldi and Lidl."

Hope the Castle is in a cheap area...

An arse of a law

Taoufik Didi a foreign drug-dealing bigamist has won the right to stay in Britain because of his human right to "family life".

He had been sentenced to three years in prison for selling cocaine to undercover police officers, and so exceeded the criteria for "automatic deportation" under the law.

However, the Moroccan launched a human rights appeal, telling immigration judges he had been in a loving relationship with a British woman, Marina Gregory, for 10 years. He now intended to wed her and start a family.

The judges believed the 47-year-old criminal and, to the disappointment of Home Office officials, granted his appeal under the Human Rights Act – ruling that his "right to private and family life" entitled him to stay on in Britain.

Despite two surprising admissions made by Didi in court, he told them he already had a wife, who he had married in 1989, and was awaiting a divorce which would free him to remarry.

And he "married" Miss Gregory three years ago in an open-air ceremony in Cyprus, while legally wed to his first wife.

A Home Office spokesman said: "We will consider any new evidence of abuse and where we can prove an individual has obtained leave to remain in the UK fraudulently we will seek to revoke it and remove them from the country."

Yeah right, and then the “judges” will overturn it because he has a cat.

Still in Blighty

London health officials are launching a sequel to their controversial online sex-ed game for young people that features such characters as Wonder Vag and the Sperminator.

In the sequel, the virgin with the Barbie-doll figure will be caged and the Sperminator will have lost his penis-arms and become a force for good.

The original Adventures in Sex City, an online game from the Middlesex-London Health Unit, were banned by officials with the London District Catholic school board because it ran afoul of the school's official stance on abstinence.

In the original version, the infected Sperminator fired sperm from penis-shaped arms at characters such as virginal Wonder Vag, who when struck might say, "Aggg! Right in the face."

While the original will be kept available at Getitonlondon.ca, a second version will officially launch Feb. 14 during Sexual Awareness Week.

Whatever happened to the Beano?

And finally:

Looking up

Apparently Daredevil climbers are shunning mountains to scale cable cars, lifts and furnaces.

Mr Lama swapped craggy mountainsides for a blast furnace in industrial Duisburg, Germany.

According to free-climber David Lama, 20 ‘Whether you’re in a city, the countryside, on rocks or metal, what matters is the result.’

Unless you fall orf.....

That’s it: I’m orf to find a black whitebird

And today’s thought:

Angus