Saturday, 6 October 2012

D.I.Y. Dick and other ailments.

Glassfuls of solar stuff, thimblefuls of atmospheric movement, bucketfuls of lack of warm and cupfuls of ex-skywater at the Castle this morn. 

Day-whatever into putting the coloured stuff on the walls and things (still mainly me and the floors) and I have noticed a few defects in the old bod.


1)      D.I.Y nipple-caused by the upping and downing of the arm whilst wearing a too tight old tea shirt

Treatment-rub very gently with Germolene, Vaseline or some other sort of cream (even better if you can find an attractive young lady to do it for you)

2)      D.I.Y Diarrhoea-caused by clinging to the top of a twenty foot ladder with one hand whilst painting the ceiling at the top of the stairwell with the other and accidentally looking dahn, descending said  ladder, making it to the newly painted loo and reaching the big bowl thing without pebble dashing the walls

 Treatment-don’t go up the bleedin ladder, a butt plug or keep a bucket handy

3)      DI.Y dementia-caused by stopping for a while to make a cup of tea, wandering into the lounge and watching the TV for an hour or so while drinking your tea, then wondering why your hands are covered in paint

Treatment –don’t make a cup of tea or, take the kettle and stuff to the room where you are doing the deed

And finally:

4) DI.Y Dick-caused by getting caught short for a pee, rushing to the loo and covering the old man in white gloss or emulsion

Treatment-bathe todger very carefully with warm soapy water to remove emulsion, or if gloss is involved-DO NOT use a brillo pad, paint remover or any other type of solvent, instead gently wipe with a soft cloth (or even better find an attractive young lady to do it for you) until clean then stick an empty plastic bottle over the dangly bit which solves both problems at once.

That’s it: I’m orf to find an attractive young lady with a soft cloth.

And today’s thought:


Bugger! I’ve forgotten what it was.....



A K Haart said...

That looks a lot like B&Q Lemon Fizz to me. I used it in our smallest room.

Angus Dei said...

Its actually Sandy Shores AK, from focus before they went belly up:)