Friday, 18 January 2013

Shit for brains Shapps: Still U-Turning: Lock, stock and pussy: Big Nugget: Streaker teacher: and the Invisible man returns.


Less than a lot of warm stuff, not a puff of atmospheric movement, and dawn’s crack is still missing, as I sit here watching the onset of the white fluffy stuff the butler is using both conveyor belts to feed fat, carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace.
Apparently we are going to get quite a lot of snowman building blocks dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire which will of course bring the ’Ome counties to a standstill, buses will be cancelled, trains will not run, schools will close, deliveries will not be delivered and All and Sundry will be sat in front of their computers at home instead of going to work. 

It really is no wonder that Blighty is going dahn hill so fast, “when I were a lad” back in 1963 I remember walking two miles to school in two feet of snow, my mum and dad walked 3/5 miles respectively to get to work, teachers managed to report for duty, shops had plenty of “essentials” because they used a bit of common sense and stocked up, even postman Pat struggled through the wevver to deliver the mail.
But today it seems that the younger man/woman in the street can’t travel more than two hundred yards without the internal combustion engine, the slightest hint of white fluffy stuff is enough for them to abandon work, school and normal life and to have a day or four orf because of inclement wevver.

Come on Blighty, get up orf your arses and get out there, if you can walk to work, walk to school show a bit of spheroid strength and get on with life despite the scaremongering of “them” that think we are all gutless losers.

After all we could always use the uneaten ‘Orses to get about...
And talking of things that are not normally in our food chain, allegedly Tesco have abandoned meat altogether and are stocking a new type of vegetable that sums up the “management”. 
From my old mate Bernard cometh the Brazilian Chuchu.


Are thinking of doing yet another 180, this time over the plan to give tax breaks and "free" state-funded hours of childcare to millions of working families, the proposals were due to be announced as part of the Government's mid-term review and help off-set criticism of the decision to withdraw child benefit from taxpayers earning over £60,000 a year. At the same time Elizabeth Truss, the minister responsible for childcare, was due to announce new rules to allow nurseries to look after up to eight children for each member of staff. Currently the limit is four.
But the Treasury is understood to be concerned at the cost of the proposals – which could be worth around £2,000 a child – could lead to thousands of stay-at-home mums going back into the workplace.
This, officials fear, could create a funding black-hole at a time when budgets across all Government departments are under intense pressure.
At the same time the Liberal Democrats are worried that the plans to relax child/staff ratios could damage the standard of care provided. Nick Clegg has made it clear that he will refuse to sign off on any policy "which jeopardises standards."

So far the Coalition's ruling 'quad' of David Cameron, George Osborne, Nick Clegg and Danny Alexander has met twice in an attempt to iron out the differences between the Treasury and the Department of Education.

No change there then....


Has proven why we are so bollixed up in Blighty, discussing whether we should consider eating horse meat as a cheaper alternative to beef in times of austerity, shit for brains Grant Shapps thought he had come up with a neat explanation for why we do not: namely that we only eat herbivores.
Speaking on BBC One’s Question Time programme, he said this week’s revelations about the presence of horse DNA in some beef burgers had set him wondering “why we think some animals are socially acceptable to eat and others are not.”
The reason, he suggested, boiled down to a simple formula.
“I think the answer is we basically eat animals that don’t eat animals,” he said. “So we eat animals that eat grass and what have you.”

Ye fucking Gods.....



Have been outdone by a ginger cat named Orlando which won the investment challenge in the The Observer portfolio challenge.
Each team invested a notional 5000 pounds ($7600) in five FTSE All-Share companies at the start of 2012, allowing them to exchange stocks every three months with others from the index.
Although Orlando was trailing in September, an unexpected turnaround in the last quarter saw the feline’s portfolio increasing by an average 4.2 per cent to end the year at 5542.60 pounds, compared with the professionals’ 5176.60 pounds.
While the professionals stuck to traditional methods, Orlando selected stocks by throwing a toy mouse on a grid of numbers allocated to various companies.
To celebrate Orlando's success, owner Jill Insley, bought him a red collar in the style of Urquhart-Stewart's red braces.

And the other tossers celebrated by going dahn the job centre.


Michael Cooper unearthed a 5.5kg Y shaped gold nugget with a metal detector near the town of Ballarat in Victoria.

I’m orf to send the butler to check out the garden-just in case


A teacher could be struck off for running around naked in front of his stunned pupils.
David Bradley, 55, who was awarded an MBE for services to young people, streaked across a field in full view of students aged 12 and 13 during a school camping trip.
The Teaching Agency has found Bradley guilty of unacceptable professional conduct.
Panel chairman John Pemberton told him he had “failed to maintain the appropriate boundaries... between pupils and teachers”.
Bradley was in charge of 11 youngsters when he ran naked from the barn where the group were camping.
He told the hearing in Coventry: “The lads streaked for a joke and said ‘come on, sir, have a go’.
"At the time I realised it was inappropriate.”

 So why do it then you Plonker....

And finally: 

Photos: Eli Klein Fine Art
Liu Bolin, the man who took the international art world by ‘storm’, in 2009, with his incredible ability to merge with the environment, has returned with a new series that makes him even harder to spot.
Nicknamed the “Invisible Man”, Liu Bolin is a master of camouflage art who spends up to 10 hours blending into various backdrops, with the help of paint. He puts on a suit and waits patiently as his helpers cover him in paint matching the colours of the background, until he becomes almost impossible to spot. Passionate about his art, this human chameleon he tries to get every little detail, every crack and crevice just right for that one perfect snapshot. His latest exhibition, “Hiding in the City”, at New York’s Eli Klein Art Gallery.


Spiffing; now get a life….



And today’s thought:
Snow Joke 



CherryPie said...

The white stuff has brought things to a halt where I live. Buses cancelled, schools not open and sent home from work!

James Higham said...

The reason, he suggested, boiled down to a simple formula.
“I think the answer is we basically eat animals that don’t eat animals,” he said. “So we eat animals that eat grass and what have you.”


Angus Dei said...

Same dahn 'ere in 'Ampshire CherryPie, still the gas people will make a fortune:)

I can't get my head round this load of tossers James.

A K Haart said...

"It really is no wonder that Blighty is going dahn hill so fast"

I agree - it's pathetic. I remember 1963 too - no central heating either.

Angus Dei said...

But even the "caolman" manged to deliver AK