Showing posts with label DIY Numpty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DIY Numpty. Show all posts

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Speed it up: Pay as you go: Robbing Peter to pay Paul: No frills fight: Flower pot Numpty: Political brains: and Lower the law.

Looks like another wondrous portion of warm sunny stuff at the Castle this morn; the kitchen is empty of broken thingy’s and I still haven’t washed the windows…….or the rover.
The garden needs a bit of maintenance, the hedges need hedging, the borders need bordering and the shrubs need shrubbing, the shed needs clearing out and the eight legged hairy things need evicting, the mower needs a service and me spade needs polishing, on the other hand there is the F1 qualifying on the box and I have dragged the sun lounger down from the big walk in cupboard up stairs, now what shall I do……….?

Apparently the fuzz have adopted new speeding rules that allow drivers to do up to 86mph and avoid points on their licence.
The guidelines mean motorists can pay to do a speed awareness course instead if they are caught at up to 10% above the limit plus 9mph.
Police leaders said 37 out of 44 forces had signed up to the new framework.
Previously, only those travelling at up to 10% above the limit plus 6mph could be offered one of the courses.
But the amendments were agreed by chief constables at a meeting of the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) in January.
For a 30mph zone, the upper limit for a speeding course would be 42mph.
This would rise to 86mph for motorways and other major roads, although the official limit remains the same.
Acpo said the figure at which a course could be offered was a decision for individual forces, and not all would make it available for higher speeds.
Drivers can only attend one speed awareness course in a three-year period.

Far too complicated for me, think I’ll just stick to the speed limits.

Allegedly Private companies should be brought in to build a network of toll roads and high speed lanes to tackle congestion, a leading business figure has said.
Neil Bentley, deputy director-general of the Confederation of British Industry, made the plea for outside investment as he accused the Coalition of lacking a “strategic vision” for the country’s road network.
He dismissed the £200 million pledged by the Government to fix potholes as part of a strategy of “make do and mend”.
Congestion, he said, was estimated as costing British business £8 billion a year, rising to £16 billion by 2025, when traffic is expected to increase by a third.

And the cause of most of the congestion-lorries, here’s an idea-why doesn’t “industry” do away with all the slow moving, wide, polluting juggernauts and use the railway system to move goods, or even the canal network then charge foreign “transporters” to use our roads which we have paid for over and over again.

When Sean Collins wasn't sure how he'd come up with the cash to pay his court fine, he turned to a bank. The problem is he didn't ask the bank for a loan. He robbed it, instead.

The Scottish man confessed to holding up a banking building in the city of Glasgow in the hopes of stealing enough cash to pay off the £2,000 fine he'd been ordered to give his victim after being convicted of assault in June.

Collins told a court today that his conviction had lost him his job and said he was struggling to pay his mortgage, according to STV News in Scotland. So on December 7, Collins entered a Glasgow banking society armed with a 12-inch knife and a can of tuna fish designed to look like a bomb.

Then, the 28-year-old man -- whose disguise that day included swimming goggles and a bright pink scarf -- approached a teller and demanded she give him money. When she asked him if he was "having a laugh," Collins threatened to detonate what employees thought was a bomb, according to the BBC.

Tuna is dangerous stuff, especially if it comes from the sea near Japan…

What started out as an attempt by a man to shoplift chicken by stuffing the bird down his pants took a violent turn in Peterborough, Ontario last Saturday.
Police said an employee watched a man place four packages of chicken down his pants and walk out of a No Frills grocery store.
When a security guard at the store tried to stop him from leaving, the man turned violent and punched him, police said.
Jessie Adam Johnson, 31, is charged with theft, assault with intent to resist arrest and breach of probation.
He is to appear in court April 21.

No chicken….shit.

A woman who tried to 'improve' a rare Chinese vase with a hammer is having to face up to the knowledge she has knocked £200,000 of its value.
The Qing dynasty porcelain vase would have been worth £250,000 in good condition but is now expected to sell for about £50,000.
The vase already had a chip in its rim when the woman, who has not been named, knocked the rest off with a hammer to "even it out".
The woman was so unimpressed with the vase after her "improvements" she gave it away to a friend to put daffodils in.
Years later, she returned to her friend's house and saw it in her garden. Taking a new liking to it, she asked for it back.
She kept it on her windowsill and was about to throw it away when she remembered seeing a similar vase that had fetched almost £200,000 at a recent auction.
She sent a picture of it to Salisbury auction house Woolley and Wallis with an email saying: "Is it worth hanging on to or, because of the damage is it worthless and should I just bin it! It came from my great grandparents."
Clare Durham, an auction house spokeswoman said: "She emailed us with a photograph and we instantly told her not to bin it, as she was planning to do."
The vase, otherwise undamaged after the unusual re-modelling, was subsequently dated from the Qing dynasty, between 1821 to 1850.
Woolley and Wallis are now selling the piece with a pre-sale estimate of £30,000 but expect it to reach double that amount.

A spot of DIY can be very expensive.

Liberals have more grey matter in a part of the brain associated with understanding complexity, while the conservative brain is bigger in the section related to processing fear, said the study today in Current Biology.

"We found that greater liberalism was associated with increased grey matter volume in the anterior cingulate
cortex, whereas greater conservatism was associated with increased volume of the right amygdala," the study said.

Other research has shown greater brain activity in those areas, according to which political views a person holds, but this is the first study to show a physical difference in size in the same regions.

"Previously, some psychological traits were known to be predictive of an individual's political orientation," said Ryota Kanai of the University College London, where the research took place. "Our study now links such personality traits with specific brain structure."

 Study links personality traits to brain structure
 Liberals' brains linked to greater tolerance
 Conservatives' brains "more sensitive to fear"

I suppose the most surprising conclusion of this “study” is that politicians have brains at all.

And finally:

With the sun out and temperatures rising, the young women of the City law firm Allen & Overy decided it was time to do the same for their hemlines.

Unfortunately, the sight of dozens of trainee solicitors arriving for work in “very short skirts” did not fill senior partners with the joys of spring.
After several complaints about the amount of flesh on show, an email was sent to the company’s 105 trainees reminding them of the sartorial standards expected by their employer — one of the five leading firms in the City known as the “Magic Circle”.
Women were told to increase the lengths of their skirts and reduce the height of their heels or face “uncomfortable discussions” with the human resources department.
“We’ve been asked to draw your attention to the fact that HR has received numerous complaints about the way female trainees have been dressing around the office,” stated the email from Allen & Overy’s trainee solicitor liaison committee.
It went on: “The main problem seems to be very short skirts and high heels and generally looking like we’re going clubbing instead of to the office. HR would like this to be addressed ASAP so they don’t have to have uncomfortable discussions with individuals about it, especially as we’re now getting into summer and are more likely to be wearing less as it gets hotter!”

I wonder who complained.

And today’s thought: "Let's make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy." -- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Peg leg peril, Put pockets, Grave shortage, no Jumbos on the beach and DIY

Weather is hot, radiator is back in the box and I am back in the garden, life is hard.....

First up:

A holidaymaker was pulled from water he had fallen in to by alerting rescuers to his presence by waving his wooden leg.

He fell out of his small inflatable dinghy, at Restronguet, Cornwall, and was helped out of the water by two yacht workers who were passing on another boat, after waving the wooden limb.

Jerry Hobkirk, from Falmouth Yacht Brokers, said: "Dave Thomas and Royston Dower were delivering a boat when they saw a woman screaming on the shoreline.

"They went back and saw a man clinging to a buoy waving to get their attention."

He said that it was only when they got closer that they could see he was waving his wooden leg to get their attention.

Mr. Hobkirk said that the two men managed to drag the man into their boat before taking him back to his concerned wife on the shoreline.

And then they told him to hop it...........What?

Visitors to London always have to be on the look out for pickpockets, but now there's another, more positive phenomenon on the loose -- putpockets.

Aware that people are suffering in the economic crisis, 20 former pickpockets have turned over a new leaf and are now trawling London's tourist sites slipping money back into unsuspecting pockets.

Anything from 5 pounds to 20 pound notes is being surreptitiously deposited in unguarded pockets or open handbags in Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden and other busy spots.

The initiative, which runs until the end of August in London before being rolled out countrywide, is being funded by a broadband provider, which says it wants to brighten up people's lives in unusual ways.

"It feels good to give something back for a change -- and Britons certainly need it in the current economic climate," said Chris Fitch, a former pickpocket who now heads TalkTalk's putpocketing initiative.

"Every time I put money back in someone's pocket, I feel less guilty about the fact I spent many years taking it out."

London's police have been briefed about the plan, which will see at least 100,000 pounds given away.

They can afford to give away £100,000 but can’t afford to offer broadband where I live...bastards!

The Home Office has drawn up plans for mass graves in London to deal with a second wave of swine flu expected this autumn.

Crematoriums and cemeteries may have to work round the clock to deal with the number of bodies, says a 59-page document which has also been sent to hospitals.

The grim preparations, discussed at a meeting of Whitehall officials and council leaders last month, will affect areas where there may not be enough graves.

Within weeks of a full-blown pandemic, the number of burials could more than double and some cemeteries, particularly in inner-city areas, “may experience a shortage of grave space”, says the report — Framework For Planners Preparing To Manage Deaths.

It discusses using “a grave that is for a number of unrelated persons, excavated mechanically in advance and designed for efficient preparation and use”.

It says this approach would create a “site for multiple graves and consecutive burials” but added there must still be “marking of the position of individual burials”.

Freight containers and “inflatable” storage units may provide extra mortuary space.

During the meeting, officials discussed the need for cemeteries and crematoriums to work seven days a week, and the hiring of extra staff.

The report also warns there may be a need for “shorter services at the chapel” or for memorial services to be held at a person's home instead.

John Barradell, Westminster's deputy chief executive, said the council had to plan for the worst, adding: “We have a flu pandemic plan in place which has been rigorously tested.

Senior officers are meeting regularly to monitor the changing situation.”

So they have dug a big hole and Council officials are looking into it.

Granville, in Normandy has banned Elephants from having a paddle, Last year, elephants from one of the circuses that tour many French towns in the summer months were allowed on to the beach But inspectors checking water quality found traces of their droppings in the sea and issued a warning over health standards at the beach, which is popular with French and foreign holidaymakers.

"Circuses are more than welcome," said Roland Huet, an official at Granville's town hall. "But this year the rules governing their stay clearly specify they cannot allow any animals, including elephants, to bathe on our beaches because of the risk of pollution," he added.

Granville is particularly susceptible to this type of contamination due to its sheltered location in the bay of Mont Saint Michel, according to Huet.

A repeat of last year's incident would prompt the closure of the beach and could seriously damage Granville's reputation as a seaside resort.

"Imagine having to explain to thousands of holidaymakers that the beach has been closed due to animal droppings," he said.

Fair enough, but imagine waking up after a siesta and seeing bloody great Elephants all around you.

And finally:

I couldn’t let a day pass without a Numpty, so here are some examples of Numpty car repairs.