Showing posts with label confused. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confused. Show all posts

Thursday, 2 July 2009


I say that because I actually fell asleep last night, which will teach me because some flesh eating insect got into my bedroom and bit me on the left eyelid, so I now have monocular vision.

And a leer that would get me nicked if I ventured out into the world, so I will sit her in my torpor and attempt to write something vaguely sensible, which would be a first.

The opening gambit was something I heard on Radio 4 this morning, and concerns the digital switch over, Digital UK - Home which is represented by that annoying little robot which I personally could melt down for scrap.

I have already converted my TVs to digital and am ready for the off, which won’t be until 2012 in Hampshire.

The thing that caught my attention was: what will happen to our FM radios when the switch over happens, the reporter said that we will have to scrap them and buy digital radios, and that I suppose includes car radios.

The only reference I can find to this is Nicholas Lezard: Don't force digital radio on us which seems to reinforce the fact that we will not be able to use our FM radios once digital comes in.

Or we will have to listen to “local” stations, and will lose the access to radio 1, 2,3,4,5 the world service and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all.

Bloody cheek, I pay my license fee and this entitles me to watch BBC TV channels and listen to BBC radio channels, will I get a refund if I refuse to buy a new alarm clock/radio, a new Hi-Fi with a tuner and a new portable radio, as well as a new car radio?

Of course I WON’T, because the Government and the BBC have given me no choice in the matter, it is a case of do it or lose it, and never mind the cost to the public, I like digital TV, there is a good choice of programmes, and the quality is much better than analogue, but why haven’t the “powers that be” told us about the radio thing?

Moan over, but it is worth a thought.

Back to the “real world”

Hedge that never forgets:

Gavin Hogg became concerned his hedgerow was getting so overgrown it resembled a jungle he took matters in hand and transformed it into a herd of elephants

Mr Hogg, 49, fell in love with the wildlife during a safari in Kenya that when he returned home he decided to recreate a little bit of Africa in his back garden.

He painstakingly carved out a seven adult elephants and three babies from his hedgerow.

It took two days to craft the herd with a trimmer, shears – and a pair of scissors for the fiddly bits.

The result is a striking 100ft-long trail of green elephants that stretches around the corner of his family home outside Brecon in Mid Wales.

Great idea, wonder how long it will be before someone complains?

Mobile Phones can kill you; at least they can if you drop it on a railway line:

A man had a miracle escape when he was hit by a 100mph train as he went to retrieve his mobile phone from the railtracks.

Noah Hodgkiss, 56, did not notice the train thundering towards him because he has cataracts and hearing problems.

To make matters worse, the batteries on his hearing aid were flat and he had no idea the train was there until he glanced over his shoulder at the last second.

"I was right in the middle of the two tracks when it happened. Before I knew what was going on it was on me.

"I tried to leap out of the way but it was too late and it hit me from behind. I can't describe how it felt, I was just thinking what was going to happen to me."

Mr Hodgkiss flew several metres down the track but remained conscious.

Mr Hodgkiss's ordeal happened as he walked in Tibberton, Worcestershire, on Saturday.

He dropped his mobile from the railway bridge but, as he was looking for it, the train slammed into him.

I don’t want to be pedantic here but what use is a mobile phone to someone who has cataracts and is deaf?

Nanny state:

Britain's towns and countryside are being blighted by unnecessary and patronising safety signs, according to a new book

Photographs taken around the country for the publication show beaches featuring warnings that they have "uneven surfaces", and cemeteries advising visitors that "all memorials have the potential to harm".

Railway stations display posters telling passengers to "use escalators safely" while flower beds are decorated with CCTV signs.

A poster next to a hedge tells passers-by to "be aware of wasps nesting in this area", and traffic cones are used to designate a smoking zone in a supermarket car park.

Between the Royal Festival Hall and Waterloo Bridge on London's South Bank there are now 95 safety signs, it is claimed, while a double-decker bus displays 24 separate cautions.

The Manifesto Club, a libertarian campaign group that compiled the book from pictures sent in by members, says in many cases the signs do not warn of real dangers.

And with their loud colours and hectoring tones, the book says, the notices disfigure buildings and public spaces.

The book is available at

You can read it but only if you read the warning sign about cutting yourself on sharp paper.

And finally:

Want to be an astronaut?

Guinness has launched a competition offering drinkers the chance to win a trip into space aboard Sir Richard Branson's. Virgin Galactic Spacecraft

The brewer is putting three once-in-a-lifetime experiences up for grabs themed on the colour of its famous black stout beer.

To mark its 250 years in business, the company is sending one winner into space, another to the depths of the ocean, and a third to an exclusive Black Eyed Peas concert.

The competition is open to adults in 28 countries at its website until the 250-year anniversary on September 24 – dubbed Arthur's Day.

The Guinness space experience gives one person the chance to become one of the first non-professional astronauts to venture into space with Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic, the world's first commercial spaceline.

After training in New Mexico at the Virgin Galactic's home at Spaceport America, the winner will take a flight through the Earth's atmosphere at almost 2,500mph – three times the speed of sound.

Sitting 68 miles above the Earth's surface, they will experience the feeling of weightlessness before they view Earth from the blackness of space.

No thanks, I have seen what happened to Branson’s balloon flight and his speed boat.


NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico


Wednesday, 6 May 2009


Ok, back from the thingy, and am now walking like Neanderthal man, my knuckles are dragging on the ground, but I have my very large cup of very strong coffee and am ready for the fray.

This first one is a bit sad and a bit odd: Homeless Korean dies with 100,000 dollars in bank, a homeless South Korean unable to withdraw his life savings because he could not remember his real name has died in poverty, officials said.

The man, believed to be aged 56, died of cancer last month, leaving 128 million won (just over 100,000 dollars) in a bank account that was opened in early 1993 under the alias of Na Hae-Dong.

The account was frozen several months later when a law took effect to ban accounts held under false names, as an anti-corruption measure.

Deposits were still allowed but the account holder had to register a real name to withdraw money, something "Na" could not do.

"He didn't know what his real name was or where he was born. We tried but failed to identify him," Yoo Joon-Soo, the senior official of Yongbong district in the south-western city of Gwangju, told AFP by phone.

The man collected scrap iron and other junk and slept on his cart under plastic sheets before moving in 2007 into a makeshift shelter made from a shipping container.

Though he could not withdraw from the account, he kept putting in savings.

"He used to say he wanted to buy a home with his savings," Yoo said.

A statement of modern society I think.

Here is another statement: London police escort pensioners home from the bank Pensioners and shoppers concerned about being mugged after withdrawing cash from the bank are being offered a police escort home in a district of east London, officers said.

Posters displayed near banks and post offices explain residents can call up and arrange for a uniformed officer to see them safely home. The officer will follow at a "safe distance" to avoid drawing attention to themselves.

"There have been incidents in the area in which elderly people have been targeted after withdrawing cash and this initiative, which has been running for the past five months, is an extension of the team's normal duties," police said.

A spokeswoman for Wansted and Snaresbrook police in east London said the service was only available to people who could walk home, saying officers would not accompany car drivers home.

Now that makes me wonder what the hell is going on.

On the lighter side: Ananova - Chuck Norris protects baker Store bosses have seen off burglars by placing a life-sized photo of Hollywood action star Chuck Norris in the window.

The posh bakery shop in Split, Croatia, had been broken into almost every week until they put up the poster of the karate champ with a sign saying: "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris."

Now the bakery hasn't had a single burglary for more than a month.

Sales assistant Mirna Kovac said: "To be honest we just started it as a joke but it really has worked. Thieves haven't been anywhere near us for ages. People seem to respect him.
She added though: "We have had a few customers come in and ask us whether they can get Chuck's autograph. They really believe he is sitting in our storeroom out the back ready to pounce on any burglars."

You can fool some of the people………….

Anyway what I want is a life size cut out of the political party leaders so that I can “chuck” things at them.

OK guys what do you drive?

Love cheats drive flash cars Drivers of expensive cars are more likely to have an affair, according to a new poll.

The website, which describes itself as the UK's largest extra-marital dating site, conducted a survey of its members.

It found that 20.9% drove a high-ranking executive car. This included 16 Bentley owners, 31 Porsche owners, five Aston Martin owners and 135 BMW owners.

And while the adulterers said their own car was important to them, only 19% admitted to being interested in their lovers' cars.

I drive a Honda Civic, which means that any lady is safe with me.

And finally:
A Chinese county has dropped a plan to order its officials to collectively smoke nearly a quarter of a million packs of cigarettes after a public outcry, a report said.

The Gong'an county government in central China's Hubei province was also persuaded to change its policy after officials further up the state bureaucracy intervened, the Beijing Times reported.

The original plan had called for Gong'an government employees to light up 230,000 packs of locally-produced cigarettes among them within a year or risk being fined, a move that was interpreted as a way to help the Hubei tobacco industry.

While announcing that it had given up the scheme, the Gong'an government sought to defend its motives, saying it was actually meant to rein-in the sale of smuggled or fake cigarettes.

People power!

“Ours is the age of substitutes: instead of language, we have jargon: instead of principles, slogans: and, instead of genuine ideas, bright ideas.” Eric Bently


NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico


Sunday, 4 January 2009


I was really bored last night, and I mean really bored. The TV was crap as usual and I couldn’t concentrate on my book (and yes I do have more than one) so I decided to do some website hopping, it’s like channel hopping and, you can guess the rest.

Anyway, I ended up on the Houses of Parliament site; it must be the masochist in me.

Poking about with a stick I came across the UK Parliament - Bills Before Parliament page, and then I moved on to the Bills and Legislation - Geneva Conventions and United Nations Personnel (Protocols) Bill [HL] bill.

Well it caught my attention, and as you do I opened the PDF file to discover this-Geneva Conventions and United nations Personnel (Protocols) bill.

So I decided to have a “butchers” as they say, I really wish I hadn’t.

Some extracts from the aforesaid Bill: -


Explanatory notes to the Bill, prepared by the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, are
published separately as HL Bill 12—EN.


Lord Malloch-Brown has made the following statement under section 19(1)(a) of the
Human Rights Act 1998:

In my view the provisions of the Geneva Conventions and United Nations Personnel
(Protocols) Bill [HL] are compatible with the Convention rights

That bits OK I could get my brain cell around it.

Then it went on- A Bill to Amend the Geneva Conventions Act 1957 so as to give effect to the Protocol additional to the Geneva Conventions of 12 August 1949 done on 8 December2005; and to amend the United Nations Personnel Act 1997 so as to give effect to the Optional Protocol to the Convention on the Safety of United Nations
and Associated Personnel adopted by the General Assembly of the United
Nations on 8 December 2005.

Ok, still on track-just.

And then it happened, I am not sure if I had a stroke at this point but my understanding of the English language deserted me-

1 Amendments of the Geneva Conventions Act 1957

(1) The Geneva Conventions Act 1957 (c. 52) is amended as follows.
(2) In section 1 (grave breaches of Conventions and protocols), in subsection (1),
for “or the first protocol” substitute “, the first protocol or the third protocol”.

(3) In subsection (1A) of that section, after paragraph (b) insert “; and

(c) a grave breach of the third protocol is anything which for the
purposes of Article 6 of the protocol constitutes the perfidious
use of the emblem specified in section 6(1)(f) of this Act”

I had now started to sweat because I couldn’t get my brain cell to function, it was interpreting the written words as Gobbledegook.

So I persevered-

And then it hit me, they were “talking” about the Red Cross emblem! and who can wear it (I think).

Then it went on-

(5) After subsection (4A) of that section, insert—
“(4B) Subsection (4) of this section shall apply in relation to a design or
wording reproducing or resembling the emblem or a designation
specified in paragraph (f) of subsection (1) of this section as it applies to designs or wording reproducing or resembling an emblem or
designation specified in paragraph (b) or (c) of that subsection.

(4C) But subsection (4) of this section shall not apply by virtue of subsection
(4B) of this section where the use of the design or wording concerned is
such as would appear, in time of armed conflict, to confer the protection
of the scheduled conventions and, where applicable, the first protocol
and the second protocol.

(4D) For the purposes of subsection (4B) of this section references in
subsection (4) of this section to the passing of this Act shall be construed
as references to the passing of the Geneva Conventions and United
Nations Personnel (Protocols) Act 2009.”

By now I was rolling about on the floor laughing, and I nearly made my bladder implode.

With tears in my eyes I tried to carry on-

The High Contracting Parties,
Reaffirming the provisions of the Geneva Conventions of 12
August 1949 (in particular Articles 26, 38, 42 and 44 of the First
Geneva Convention) and, where applicable, their Additional
Protocols of 8 June 1977 (in particular Articles 18 and 38 of
Additional Protocol I and Article 12 of Additional Protocol II), concerning the use of distinctive emblems,

Desiring to supplement the aforementioned provisions so as to enhance their protective value and universal character,

Noting that this Protocol is without prejudice to the recognized right of High Contracting Parties to continue to use the emblems they are using in conformity with their obligations under the Geneva Conventions and, where applicable, the Protocols additional thereto, Recalling that the obligation to respect persons and objects
protected by the Geneva Conventions and the Protocols additional thereto derives from their protected status under international law and is not dependent on use of the distinctive emblems, signs or signals, Stressing that the distinctive emblems are not intended to have any religious, ethnic, racial, regional or political significance,
Emphasizing the importance of ensuring full respect for the obligations relating to the distinctive emblems recognized in the Geneva Conventions, and, where applicable, the Protocols additional thereto.

But it was no use, I had to stop or I think I would have had a stroke.

If you want to risk a blood clot or failure to control you bowels have a read.

I suppose the point I am trying to make (apart from the comedy value) is that the people we elected to represent our best interests, spend their days debating bills like this, and getting very well paid at the same time, actually believe that this is the way to communicate.

It brought it home to me that MPs are as far removed from our reality as a Martian would be (if they existed).

Is it any wonder that they have managed to firk up the country the way they have, because they are not on the same planet as the rest of us plebs, who have to deal with things like fuel bills, council tax bills, shopping bills and any other flavour of bill you can think of.

Unlike the politicians whose only understanding of “bills” is total bollocks and gobbledegook.

“You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding and a vulgar manner.”

Aristophanes (450bc-388bc)

Sounds a bit like me.


Friday, 2 January 2009


Is the freezer the best place to put your keys?

Why are the days passing by twice as quickly as they used to.

Why are my feet getting further away?

Why are my arms getting shorter?

Why did I come upstairs?

Why am I in the bathroom?

Why did I buy washing up liquid when I really meant to get bread?

Why am I driving to a house I no longer live in?

Why am I considering buying a Volvo?

Why can’t I remember my date of birth?

Why can’t I get the bloody lid off the milk container?

Why are there more stairs to the bedroom than there used to be?

Why do I make strange noises when I bend down?

Why are my legs going bald around the ankles but, hair is sprouting from every other part of my anatomy.

Why is it that I eat much less and still put on weight?

Why am I afraid to fart?

Why is it that I feel I need to pee and, when I finally get to the loo I don’t want to?

Why is it that your bowels work at twice the speed they used to but, your legs only work half as fast?

Why do I keep losing my glasses when they are on my head all the time?

Why is it that when I finally remember to do something, by the time I get there I have forgotten again?

Why do I suck in my stomach when attractive young ladies pass by, it’s not as if they notice me?

That’s enough “whys” any more and social services will come round and put me in care.

But there are advantages to being an old fart-

You don’t have to shave every day just to impress someone.

You don’t have to dress well, anything comfortable will do.

You don’t have to listen to people you don’t like that much; just a nod and a grunt will suffice.

You can pretend to be confused and get loads of things done for you, especially in DIY places.

You can drive more slowly, which gives you the chance to actually see the road signs.

You can pretend to be a bit deaf, and ignore people.

You can be as rude as you like, and it is considered as “eccentric”.

It doesn’t matter if you go out in your slippers.

If you go around talking to yourself because you have forgotten the shopping list, people give you a “bless” look.

You can pull faces at snotty little kids and no body minds.

You can take ages at the cash point, trying to remember your bleedin pin number.

You can have a good scratch in public without being embarrassed.

You can forget appointments, especially the ones that involve pain-dentists and doctors, and it is OK.

So perhaps the pros and cons of being an old fart even themselves out.

And to be honest there is firk all you can do about it, so you may as well enjoy it.