EU-going out: UK staying in: UK-living it up while staying in: MG-NZ: Dangerous caviar: Polish sobriety upbringing law: and Hanging about in India.

‘Tis warm, sunny, calm and dry at the Castle this morn, already been down to Tesco for stale bread, gruel and pussy food, they were going to close for a week for an “upgrade” because building of the new Morrisons has started, but now it seems that they underestimated the size of the competitor’s store and have decided to postpone until they can decide what to do. 

Funny that, they can decide to put the prices up in a millisecond, but when it comes to “proper” decisions they are lost….

The Talk Talk internet connection is still misbehaving, but my new wireless Orange router arrived yestermorn-not long now…

I see that the EU is back in the “news”-again

The Torygraph has listed “some of Europe's most notorious projects.”

Click on the link if you can be bothered, but I think most of us are aware that the European Rip Off Super State is draining us dry while the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is trying to finish us off with their cuts.

And, the UK Border Agency is taking the easy way out it seems.

 So many asylum seekers have been given leave to remain in the UK that it "amounts to an amnesty", MPs have said.

Out of 403,500 cases dealt with by the UK Border Agency (UKBA), 9% resulted in removal while 40% of applicants - 161,000 - were allowed to stay.

The Home Affairs Committee also said it was "indefensible" that in one in six cases, the UKBA simply had "no idea" what had happened to the applicant.

Immigration Minister Damian Green said there was "absolutely no amnesty".

He said the government had "eliminated" a backlog of 450,000 asylum cases - the scale of which first emerged in 2006.

Mr Green denied there was any amnesty for asylum seekers, saying: "What we've done is get through to the bottom of that huge problem we inherited.

"The main thing is we've now eliminated this backlog from the system so we can now get on with the everyday job that the previous government couldn't because they had that backlog."

Always someone else’s fault with this lot.

And while some of them are waiting to leave Blighty

“They” can stay at Morton hall, the Government’s latest centre for foreign detainees awaiting deportation.

The immigration removal centre, in Swinderby, Lincolnshire, will eventually house around 400 men, including former prisoners, illegal immigrants and failed asylum seekers.

New arrivals will be greeted by impressive lawns and extensive gardens, patrolled by a flock of ducks.

They will be housed in private rooms with access to television, games consoles and private washing facilities.

Detainees can sign up to lessons in a well-equipped computer classroom and even hairdressing classes in a mock salon.

And if they fancy some downtime, they can play football in the grounds, take a walk or simply sit on a bench and enjoy the view.

Did you watch that Panorama programme the other night?

Meanwhile, going Dahn Unda and right a bit

Is a 1948 MG TC, Robert and Lynne Douglas will hop into their beloved convertible to set off on a four month, 30,000 mile trip from Barnsley to New Zealand.

Lynne, 60, said people thought they were 'totally, completely and utterly mad' and readily admitted the car would break down at various points on their mammoth trip.

She said: 'We've had it restored twice and they're really easy to fix.

'If we did a trip like this in a modern car we wouldn't stand a chance if we broke down, whereas with this type of car we can carry basic spares and fix it on the road.

'Mechanics in places like Laos and Cambodia will also know what to do with it - whereas if we turned up with a Mercedes and the central computer had broken, we'd be stuffed.'

Good luck with that….

 

Dahn upon the Suwannee River

A 25-year-old Florida woman was left with a broken leg after a 75-pound sturgeon jumped into her boat Monday.

Three days earlier, fish and wildlife officers issued a warning about jumping sturgeon.

 This is the fifth reported case of sturgeon leaping into boats, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Three of the cases resulted in injuries to passengers.

On May 14, a woman was injured after a sturgeon hit her on the back and, in the first report of the year, on April 27, another woman was showered in glass when a sturgeon jumped through her boat's windshield.

"I have seen these encounters referred to as 'attacks.' However, these fish are in no way attacking when they jump," said Allen Martin, a fisheries biologist, in a statement.

"They are simply doing what they have been doing for millions of years: jumping. They aren't targeting the boaters."

Gulf sturgeon can exceed lengths of eight-feet and weigh 200 lbs.

"They have five rows of rock-hard scutes along their sides, back and belly. When sturgeon and boaters collide, the results can be devastating," Martin said. 

Caviar that comes to you-very handy.

Across to the land of plumbers and painters

A Polish artist has been warned that he could end up in prison - for painting a supermarket shelf of cans of beer.

Police in Cieszyn seized Michal Oginski's canvas, claiming it breached the country's tough alcohol advertising laws and could encourage young people to take up drinking.

The 25-year-old painter said: "I was told by police that my work corrupts youth and promotes alcoholism. But it's just a painting of some beer cans.

"It's part of a series of paintings depicting supermarket products. I've got others of washing powder and sugar. There's nothing sinister or corrupting about it."

His lawyer Beata Lejman explained: "This is absurd and I've never heard of such a ridiculous law. Are they going to confiscate Rembrandt's pictures which show casks of wine?"

Now officials are waiting for prosecutors to say if Mr Oginski has a case to answer.

Local police Chief Kazmierz Plus said: "I don't make up the law - I just uphold it.

"And this painting breaks the Act of Sobriety Upbringing law, which is universally binding."

 What a load of Polish bollocks…

 And finally:

Fancy a job in a hot country?

Officials from the prison of Jorhat, 190 miles east of Gauhati, have a shortage of staff willing to send criminals to the gallows and have begun advertising for someone qualified in the ancient role.

The job description appears to be for only the one execution - that of Mahendra Nath Das, who was sentenced to death after committing a gruesome beheading in a busy market.

Judges in India rarely hand down a death sentence, but the court felt Das' crime deserved no less after he ran through the street carrying the bloodied head of Hara Kunt - a rival official in the local transporters' union.

There have only been two hangings in the country over the past 15 years and India's most experienced hangman, Nata Mullick, passed away in 2009 - leaving the role vacant.

So, if you fancy hanging about in India……..

 That’s it: I’m orf to send an email to my twin in NGC 6744.

And today’s thought: Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?



Angus

Flash dump choo choo: Glowing in the dark: Heads you win: Alice Springs scrapyard: M&S Tripoli: and a Pussy up a tree.

Coldish, cloudy and breezy at the Castle this morn, bit late today because for some strange reason after I gave my mac address to Orange my internet connection from Talk Talk has suddenly become unreliable and cuts orf when it wants to-odd that…. 

So a bit of a truncated post-just in case. 

If you live in the Southern Railway area it might be a good day

Thousands of train tickets will go on sale today for 50p each way, in the latest and biggest "flash sale" in the travel industry. The operator of Brighton-to-London trains, Southern Railway, which links London with Surrey, Sussex and Hampshire, is cutting all its advance fares by 90 per cent in a one-day online sale. 

Unless you use Talk Talk for your connection… 

Up in Kings Cliffe

Plans for low-level radioactive waste disposal to be allowed at a landfill site in Northamptonshire have been given the go-ahead by the government.

The decision for Kings Cliffe near Peterborough follows a two-year stand-off between the hazardous waste company Augean and campaigners.

Some 98% of people who voted in local referendums opposed the plans.

 So much for the Piss Poor Policies millionaires club “localism” thingy.

If you go across the sea to Ireland

A severed head alleged to belong to the patron saint of genital diseases will hit the auction block on Sunday.

Saint Vitalis of Assisi died 640 years ago, but the Italian Benedictine monk's encased head can now be yours.

Auctioneer Damien Matthews of Matthews Auction Rooms estimates the ancient skull could fetch up to $1,650.

The 14th-century Saint reportedly performed miracles for sufferers of bladder and genital diseases.

As a youngster, Vitalis was sexually promiscuous and immoral, so to relinquish his sins he went on pilgrimages in Italy and Europe. He then became a Benedictine monk and chose to live as a poverty-stricken hermit. His only possession was an old container to get water.

Matthews couldn't confirm it's actually the head of Saint Vitalis.

No…really? Sounds like a poxy lot to me……

Dahn Unda

The world's second aircraft storage facility will be set up on a site adjacent to the terminal at Alice Springs Airport.

The only other such site for ageing aircraft is a 1,000 hectare facility in Tucson, Arizona, known as The Boneyard.

Airport general manager Katie Cooper says a key for the selection of Alice Springs was the capacity to expand on the 110 hectare site set aside for the development.

Ms Cooper says Alice Springs not only has the perfect climate for the storage and preservation of aircraft but also a runway capable of catering for planes as big as an A-380.

"We have the ability to take that aircraft here," she said.

"We can have the ability to service all sorts of fleets, be it the smaller aircraft that the recreational or general aviation people use, right up to the very large commercial aircraft that are operated to do the long-haul sectors.

"There is a lot of scope for us to provide some great service."

 And a lot of pollution as well….

M&S soldiers on in Tripoli

The UK embassy is shut, the ambassador's residence has been destroyed, but the British stalwart of the high street is still open.

There is no logo in sight, just a white building with steps up.

A pair of chinos will set you back the equivalent of about £100 in Tripoli. They cost much less in the UK. 

No wonder their profits are so high….

And finally:

Back in Blighty

A cat has finally been rescued after surviving 12 days stuck up a 100-foot tree.

Bess, found herself out on a limb after being sent scrambling up the huge tree by a family of foxes.

Owner Gwen Russell-Jones began fearing the worst after she hadn't been seen for over a week.

But she refused to give up and continued her frantic hunt for the mischievous moggy.

Last Friday she spotted the hapless animal who she has looked after for two years since taking her in as a stray, perched dangerously high in the tree.

Without food and water for almost two weeks and having to battle strong winds and sweeping rain, Mrs Russell-Jones said she was relieved the horror ordeal would soon be over for Bess.

Tree surgeons Andrew Parrott and Craig Archer heard about Bess's dangerous plight and immediately raced to her rescue before she had to spend another night in the tree.

The pair, who work for Heart of England Tree Services, used their specialist equipment to scale the tree before abseiling to where Beth was perched.

A tin of cat food put her at ease then she was carefully put in a bag and lowered down.

 Bless Bess. Four lives left?

 That’s it: I’m orf to test my pussy on physics.

And today’s thought: "My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right." - Dan Quayle

Angus

I hate Talk Talk: Lordy Lordy: Cultural men: Seeing Eye Goats: Paddling Numptys: Pippa gets a new job: Pissed Parrots: and climbing the ladder of Elfandsafety.

Calm, sunnyish, warmish and dry at the Castle this morn, the new resident is snuggled up against me and is in the land of nod after an hour of lunacy and the Honda is covered with yellow dust again, which will probably be added to by the volcanic ash which is allegedly on its way.

I am in the process of changing my ISP, I have been with Tiscali since the orf and have been very happy, decent prices, excellent connection and no bovver.

Then Talk bleedin Talk took them over and my last monthly bill has risen by almost fifty pc, so I phoned them to find out why they were ripping me orf (at my expense) and as soon as the twelve year old found out that I am with Tiscali transferred me to “the other division”.

Twenty seven minutes later I was left with the promise of a phone call to “sort things out” in a months time and look forward to receiving my next inflated bill in a few days time.

So I contacted Orange (my mobile provider) who have offered me a great deal, a new wireless router, no connection charge and fixed prices for the next 18 months.

The only snag is that they tried to contact Talk Talk to obtain my mac code and surprise, surprise they couldn’t get through.

So Orange will ring me back today at 11 of the am and we will try again.

I hate Talk Talk…..

Apparently Lord Hanningfield is a bit bemused by all the hoo-ha over his expenses

He told Chelmsford Crown Court he was "horrified" to find himself being prosecuted because of claim forms he spent just "a minute a month" filling out.

The former Lords opposition frontbencher and Essex County Council leader is alleged to have fraudulently claimed parliamentary expenses for hotels in London between March 2006 and April 2009 when he did not in fact stay overnight in the capital.

Lord Hanningfield, 70, who denies six counts of false accounting, said he "quite honestly assumed" he could claim the maximum amount after learning that this was what 85% of peers did.

Asked by his defence counsel why he thought he was entitled to the full sum, he said: "The £30-40 a day that was then available on the daily allowance was very little."

The peer, from West Hanningfield, near Chelmsford, Essex, told the court he saw the money as a "living-out-of-London allowance" rather than overnight subsistence.

Lord Hanningfield said he spent "a minute a month" completing the Lords' expenses claim form in exactly the same way each time, not even including rises in train fares.

"If I had known how important some people saw those forms, I would have done much more. I didn't see it as self-certifying, I saw it as means of getting expenses," he said.

Isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing......?

According to “research”

Simply observing culture improves the physical health and mental wellbeing of men more than attempting to be creative, it is claimed.

Women seem to benefit more from taking part in artistic activities than just watching them, however.

Researchers suggest that doctors and policymakers should therefore promote cultural activities as a simple way to lower stress.

“The results indicate that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and healthcare may be justified,” say the authors, whose study is published online in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

In the paper, researchers from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology analyse the results of a three-year questionnaire of 50,797 adults, who were asked about what cultural and creative activities they took part in as well as their health and happiness.

They were asked how often they went to museums, art exhibitions, concerts, plays, films, church or sporting fixtures, as well as how often they participated in club meetings, sang or played musical instruments, danced, worked out or played a sport, or took part in outdoor activities.

The academics conclude: “This population-based study suggests gender-dependent associations between cultural participation and physical health, anxiety, depression and satisfaction with life.”

Money helps quite a bit as well.

Across to the place O’Bama has left

Michelle Feldstein was prepared to provide special accommodations for the blind horse she recently added to the flightless ducks, clawless cats and homeless llamas inhabiting her animal shelter in Montana.

But nothing could prepare her for the 40-legged, seeing-eye entourage that accompanied "Sissy," a sightless, 15-year-old quarter horse.

"Sissy came with five goats and five sheep -- and they take care of her," said Feldstein, the force behind Deer Haven Ranch, a private rescue facility she runs with her husband, Al, on 300 acres north of Yellowstone National Park.

The seeing-eye sheep and guard goats are never far from the white mare, and they never lead her astray. They shepherd Sissy to food and water, and angle the horse into her stall amid blowing snows or driving rains.

"They round her up at feeding time and then move aside to make sure she gets to the hay," Feldstein said. "They show her where the water is and stand between her and the fence to let her know the fence is there."

Oh bless….

Dahn Unda

Twenty-year-old Grace Nash and her 22-year-old boyfriend Bruce Crawford, of Geauga County, northern Ohio, found themselves up to their ankles in trouble for rafting on a swollen river, the Grand River, in an emergency without safety jackets and lying about it afterwards.

A ranger on April 23 observed their raft in the water with river conditions above flood stage and saw they weren't wearing life jackets, the News-Herald reported.

The pair were able to get back on land by themselves, but lied when an official asked whether they were the people who had been in the water.

At least nine departments then arrived to search for missing rafters until 9.30pm - including a US Coast Guard helicopter that was dispatched from Detroit.

The couple pleaded guilty to misdemeanour misconduct during an emergency. Painesville Municipal Court Judge Michael a Cicconetti sentenced the pair to 60 days in jail or to stand in a kiddie’s inflatable pool while wearing life jackets and handing out water safety brochures at a festival in Painesville, 48 kilometres northeast of Cleveland, Ohio.

And their punishment? Standing in a kiddie’s inflatable pool, in life jackets and handing out water safety leaflets.

They got orf lightly if you ask me.

Pippa’s new job

Pippa Middleton has reportedly landed a new job working for her ex-boyfriend.

The 27-year-old has agreed to take the new 'green' job that will see her working at the geothermal energy firm which is run by her ex George Percy.

She was recently spotted enjoying a break away with George, 26, and some friends in Madrid.

A source said to UK newspaper Sunday Mirror: "Pip and George are really close friends so when he needed someone to help out with office stuff, she was the obvious person to ask.

"She's enjoying getting stuck in to something new."

 I bet she is……

Back Dahn Unda

Pissed Parrots have been accused of being drunk and disorderly by residents living in Palmerston, Australia.

The birds are thought to get into their inebriated state by eating a particular plant that makes them exhibit all the tendencies of having overdone it on the sauce.

According to Ark Animal Hospital vet Dr Stephen Cutter, the birds act in a drunken manner and then fall over: ‘It's probably a plant with alcohol, or toxins in a plant making it worse’.

The birds typically start out by making a lot of racket on a Friday night at the Palmerston Markets, followed by more loud drunken behaviour before they eventually fall over.

Sorry about the video-I couldn’t resist…..

And finally:

Back in Blighty

A pensioner who contacted her local council for help with a nest of angry wasps outside her bathroom window was told nothing could be done, because the job required climbing a ladder. Pendle council in Lancashire claimed that using ladders was too dangerous when environmental health staff were required to wear protective clothing and carry poison.

David Whipp, a local councillor, said: “Unfortunately, you do not find wasps nesting on the ground.

“People wearing cumbersome suits managed to land on the Moon. Presumably, we would never have got there if the health and safety brigade had their way.”

Officials stood by the policy yesterday, saying it was safer for staff to apply poison to nests with a pole.

Pendle Council in Lancashire has been stung by criticism that using ladders is too dangerous when environmental health staff are wearing a bee keepers' smock and hood, and carrying poison.

But officials stood by the policy yesterday, saying staff were better off applying the poison with a pole.

The row blew up after a resident was turned down for the service after telling the council the nest about 20ft off the ground - could only be reached by ladder.

Ah-the old Elfandsafety pole excuse…..

That’s it: I’m orf to look for a new species

And today’s thought: I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!

Angus