Showing posts with label ducks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ducks. Show all posts

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Piss Poor Policies Crowd sourcing: No jobs for old farts: Fake Banker: Fly me to the Moon: Cool dogs: and pluck a duck-or five thousand.

‘Tis warm, sunny, calm and dry at the Castle this morn, been dahn to Tesco on the second stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run of the week.
Monday his Whiskas meat selection in jelly cost £3.45 a box, this morn it was £2.00 per wonder I am so confused....
And his Maj has discovered the joy of ambush from above-top of the wardrobe/up the tree...

Has come up with yet another shit for brains load of old bollocks; they want us to send in our thoughts on “Gov” policy to develop new policy ideas.
Apparently ministers would ask people to suggest problems that the Government could try to solve before ideas were put out to formal consultation.
One idea involved “getting wide public input by ‘crowd sourcing’ questions to shape the definition of the problem, not just consulting on the solutions”.
Sir Bob Kerslake, the head of the Home Civil Service, said: "The default being that we develop policy in an open way with those who are more affected by the policy and collaborate in a more collaborative way." 

So why do we need six hundred odd useless members in the leaning tower of Westminster then....

According to The Policy Exchange think-tank older workers are more likely to suffer long-term unemployment than younger ones.
To test employers’ attitudes to jobseekers’ age, the researchers sent applications for over 1,200 bar jobs and personal assistant positions, one from a 51-year-old and one from a 25-year-old.
According to a Policy Exchange report, the responses to the otherwise identical applications showed a “huge bias “against the older worker.
The 25 year-old received more than twice as many positive responses to applications for bar jobs. The younger applicant was half again as likely to succeed seeking personal assistant posts.
There are around 8.3 million people aged between 50 and 65 in employment, making up around a quarter of the entire UK workforce.
Around 440,000 older workers were unemployed at the end of 2011, and 43 per cent of them had been without a job for more than a year. By contrast, 35 per cent of unemployed 25-49 year olds were long-term jobless.
Of those workers currently unemployed, only 40 per cent of those aged over 50 can expect to return to work in the next 12 months, the report found. That compares to over 60 per cent for those aged under 25.

 That’s me buggered then....the next step is for all old farts to have their expiry date tattooed on their foreheads.

Rice trader Lin Chunping invented a U.S. bank and claimed he bought it.
State media reported that he had taken over Delaware-based Atlantic Bank. The acquisition brought him praise: His hometown gave him a prestigious political appointment and state media called his business experience "legendary."
But like a lot of WBanker he was a lying git, Chinese reporters could not locate an Atlantic Bank or a bank registration by Lin in Delaware.
He's under arrest for an unrelated fraud and has been forced to give up his municipal-level appointment to the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference, the government's top advisory body.

Oh dear what a shame...

Isle of Man-based Excalibur Almaz is offering seats to adventurers willing to go the extra mile on a historic journey to the Moon.
The first 500,000-mile round-trip in a converted Soviet-era space station could take place as early as 2015.
Art Dula, founder and chief executive has acquired two Soviet “Almaz” space stations, designed for orbital spying operations. Thrusters attached to the stations will convert them to long-distance spaceships.
Four re-entry capsules, or re-usable return vehicles (RRVs), will ferry three people at a time to the orbiting space station and return them to Earth.
All the space vehicles – the cost of which is confidential – are housed in hangers on the Isle of Man. One of the RRVs is currently being exhibited outside the Queen Elizabeth II conference centre in Westminster, London.

Pink Floyd will be chuffed....

As it is so hot in the place where ruins excel an Italian ice cream maker has come up with Gelato for dogs, containing no milk, eggs or sugar, which are harmful to woofers and comes in vanilla, rice and yogurt flavours at the cost of a mere 2 Euros or abaht 5p in British at today’s exchange rate...

Barking cool...

 And finally: 

A farmer caused chaos when he walked his ducks almost 1.5km (1 mile) from his farm to a pond in a quest for food.
The mini migration was timed to avoid rush hour but commuters could not help but get caught up in the parade.
At one point, several scooters were marooned in a sea of brown but the ducks’ feathers remained unruffled
Farmer Hong – who was armed with just a (very) long stick and a few assistants – managed to make the journey without losing a single duck en route to the water.
He regularly undertakes the perilous journey in the booming coastal city of Taizhou, in China’s Zhejiang province, about 305km (190 miles) south of Shanghai.

Wonder how much orange sauce you would need for that lot.....

And today’s thought:
Brazilian at Wimbledon


Thursday, 10 December 2009

Snappers of the year: OAPs revenge; Duck killer plucked; Charity begins in bins; and the Ten stupidest Crimbo pressies.

Still not sleeping, weather-don’t know too dark to tell, personal life f#####d, finances f####d, country f####d, economy f####d, and just to prove it: Britain’s national debt will hit £1.5 trillion after the Government was forced to increase its borrowing plans again.

In his pre-Budget report, Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, set out plans to borrow almost £800 million over six years after the sharpest economic contraction in modern history inflicted more damage on the public finances.

Great, and let’s not forget who got us into this mess.

And: Prezza has opined on Nu Labour: John Prescott has admitted he regarded Tony Blair's rebranding of "New" Labour as "a load of crap".

The former deputy prime minister revealed that when he was told about the renaming of the party: "I said: 'What a load of crap... what the bloody hell are you on about?' I've never used (the term). It's Labour, for Christ's sake."

In a typically outspoken interview with the New Statesman, Mr Prescott said he would have preferred Gordon Brown to have become leader in 1994 rather than Mr Blair, who he said he had once accused of being "a bloody Tory".

Join the club, but not the bit about Gord.....

First up:

This is for the “snappers” among my esteemed readers: Scroll through the pics,
My favourite Is number 2, Ah......

A gang of pensioners who kidnapped and tortured their financial adviser when their fortunes dipped due to the global credit crisis were yesterday charged with illegal hostage taking and grievous bodily harm.

American-born James Amburn, 56, was ambushed outside his home in Speyer, West Germany, where he was bound with masking tape and bundled into the boot of a car after being hit over the head with the walking stick of one of his kidnappers.

It took them quite a while because they ran out of breath," said Mr Amburn, who was driven to the Bavarian lakeside home of one of the gang who lost the equivalent of almost £2 million in total.
Another retired couple joined the kidnappers in the cellar where Mr Amburn was chained up and tortured for four days in June.

"The fear of death was indescribable," Mr Amburn said. He was rescued when he was ordered to send a fax to release funds from a Swiss bank and managed to scribble a message on it for the recipient to call police

His captors now face a minimum of five years in jail each if they are found guilty. Their trial begins in the New Year.
Chief public prosecutor Volker Ziegler said: "They were angry because they invested money in properties in Florida and Kuwaiti funds and he lost it all.

"This was black money – they hadn't declared it to the revenue authorities in Germany."

Grey power.
A driver who ran over and killed a mother duck walking her 12 ducklings across a Massachusetts mall parking lot has been sentenced to a year of probation.

Witnesses say Joshua Linhares deliberately drove at the ducks in the Dartmouth Mall parking lot in June, turning sharply and speeding up. Surveillance video from nearby stores supported their account, The Standard-Times newspaper reported. The 25-year-old man testified he didn't see the ducks because he was distracted by a woman waving her arms at him. He says he left the scene because he panicked.

New Bedford District Court jurors took 15 minutes Tuesday to convict him of animal cruelty.

The ducklings were adopted by a family and then released into the wild.

Nice “man”.

Children are being put through the hatches of recycling banks to steal second-hand clothing in Lincolnshire.

A recycling bank containing Oxfam donations at Morrison’s car park, in Wainfleet Road, Skegness, has been targeted five times since July.

Police warn the practice is "extremely dangerous" and say lives could be at risk, reports the BBC.

Eight bags of charity clothing were stolen in the latest incident. Oxfam officials say their shops are suffering due to the stolen donations.

Oxfam spokeswoman Sue Ray said: "They are putting a person into the hopper, usually a child, into a dark metal bank not knowing what's in there. It's got to be extremely dangerous."

Police community support officer Claire Scott said: "We urge those responsible to have a conscience and stop what they are doing."

Never mind “urging” them, nick the amoral gits.

And finally:

How about treating your loved ones to some reindeer food that is safe for humans or a belching beer pager in case they keep losing their beer?

Online retailer has released its third annual list of the stupidest gifts, gadgets, presents and stocking stuffers that can be found around the globe for that relative or friend who already has everything -- including a sense of humour.

"Nothing relieves the tension of a tough year better than a good laugh," said president Jim Kalmenson, adding that 5 000 gag gifts had been reviewed to come up with the final 10.

Here is the list of the top 10 stupidest gifts of 2009 from Los Angeles-based
Reuters has not endorsed this list.
1. Swine Flu Recovery KitWhether you've got a sick friend or you're suffering from it yourself, the Swine Flu Survival Kit has everything you'll need to survive the nasty H1N1 bug, including some pig-shaped soap, bacon band-aids, bacon dental floss, and a sick bag.
2. Dog Poo Christmas OrnamentThis charming tree decoration doesn't really smell at all, but it is about as vile as an ornament can be.
3. Life Vest for Golf BallsNow you can save your golf ball and maybe your game with the Golf Ball Life Vest. This tiny orange flotation device is custom-made to fit over your golf ball, so you need never dread the water hazard again.
4. Freudian SlippersSlide your feet into a pair of Freudian Slippers and watch your anxiety, paranoia and obsession melt away. These plush and comfy slippers feature a stuffed Sigmund on the front.
5. Wall Street Finance ChimpFor the cost of a few bananas, get some advice from the Wall Street Financial Expert Chimp. This play set features an executive monkey, a chair, desk and a computer displaying an important deal.
6. Choke The Annoying ChickenAnger management takes a new form with this brightly coloured, super annoying squawker. Just give it a choke and it dances and struts to the Chicken Dance, making it possibly the most irritating toy ever.
7. Belching Beer PagerYou'll never lose another beer again no matter how much you drink! With a click of the remote your ice cold brewsky holder burps loudly and lights up as far as 60 feet away.
8. Talking Toilet PaperThe Talking Toilet Paper Dispenser allows you to record your own personal message that will be played every time someone pulls paper off the roll.
9. Obama Dress Up KitWho really is President Barack Obama? Now you can decide by dressing him up in a variety of magnetic outfits and props ranging from superhero to beach dude or business executive.
10. Reindeer Food for HumansThis holiday season, when you're leaving cookies and milk out for Santa, why not throw in a little Reindeer food as well? This bowl of yummy pellets is safe for human consumption. - Reuters

My fave is number six, as long as it has Gord’s face on it.




Angus Dei politico

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Saturday Snippets

Pluck a Duck; Poo fags; Too much Time; Pelican Crashing; and Bionic Bum

BF7 during the dark thing, had something to do with the cat waking me up at three to empty her litter tray, I was sooo pleased, I will let her out of the shed in a day or so.

The hatches are battened, the drawbridge is up, the murder holes are covered and the villagers have ensconced themselves in the courtyard to wait out the storms, don’t you love the British weather.

I see that gardeners at a National Trust property in Cambridgeshire are urging people to relieve themselves outdoors to help gardens grow greener.

With the weather expected today I suppose that will make it all wind and piss.


Thatcher is dead; No not ‘That’ Thatcher but a 16 year old tabby in Canada, we can but live in hope.

First up:
A Birmingham mother has been fined £75 for feeding the ducks at her local park - but her toddler son was allowed to carry on as he's too young to prosecute.

Vanessa Kelly, 26, was accosted by a council warden as she and 17-month-old Harry threw the birds scraps of bread in Smethwick, reports the Daily Telegraph.

She said: "The warden walked towards me and asked me to stop feeding the ducks because of complaints about children slipping over on their way to school on duck mess.

"I said fair enough, but then she started doing a fine. I asked 'what for?' and she said 'littering'.

"Harry was still throwing the bread though and the warden told me he could carry on as he was too young to prosecute. I couldn't believe it.

"I was horrified. It is ridiculous. I take my son to feed to the ducks every week. He loves it. It is for his entertainment and to keep him happy."

Miss Kelly said there are no signs warning people they could be fined for feeding the ducks and vowed: "I do not intend to pay the fine. I am going to fight this to the end."

Cllr Mahboob Hussain, Sandwell Council's spokesman for neighbourhoods and housing, defended the warden's actions.

He said: "We have had so many complaints from across the borough about problems caused by the feeding of pigeons and waterfowl that we decided to create designated feeding areas for birds.

"We have done a lot of educational work to get this message across and we have warned people not to feed pigeons and waterfowl other than in the designated areas."

What they should do is put a notice up to tell the ducks not to crap out of the water.

More than £1 million worth of counterfeit cigarettes filled with rabbit droppings instead of tobacco have been confiscated by customs officials in Spain.

The fake cigarettes - due to be sold on the black market as famous brands - were discovered after British holidaymakers in the Canary Islands smelled a rat whenever they lit up.

"They stunk. They smell just as you'd imagine burning poo to smell," said one customs official in Tenerife.

Police and customs staff arrested 12 smugglers in an undercover operation to intercept the cigarettes as they landed on a boat from China.

"They not only smell bad but the toxic chemicals they give off are pure poison," explained a customs official.


Russia has too many time zones and should consider cutting a few, President Dmitry Medvedev said on Thursday.

From Kalingrad in Europe to Kamchatka in the Far East, the country covers 11 time zones.

"We need to look at the possibility of cutting the number of time zones," Mr Medvedev said in his annual address to the nation, delivered at the Kremlin before an audience of Russia's political elite.

"Of course we need to consider the consequences of such a decision," he added.

In a wide-ranging speech focused almost entirely on domestic issues, Mr Medvedev also wondered aloud whether Russia really needed to continue changing the clocks twice a year for daylight saving.

"Here we need to compare all the advantages we would get from economising along with the obvious disadvantages," Mr Medvedev said, without elaborating. "I hope specialists will give us objective answers to these questions."

Russia was divided up into 11 time zones in 1919. The Soviet Union introduced daylight saving in 1981 and it has continued ever since.

Mr Medvedev's comments come a month after a regional deputy in the Far Eastern Primorye region - which is seven hours ahead of Moscow - called for the time difference with Moscow to be cut to four hours to ease business links.

Bit out of sync aren’t we Dmitry?
A Texas driver blamed a pelican for making him drive his million-dollar sports car into a pond.

Police said the low-flying bird distracted the man, causing him to veer off a road and drive his French-built Bugatti Veyron into a salt marsh.

Lt. Greg Gilchrist, of the La Marque police, said the man claimed he lost concentration while driving his on Wednesday because the bird swooped into his line of vision. Lt Gilchrist said the driver dropped his phone, reached down to pick it up and strayed into the brackish water in La Marque, about 35 miles south-east of Houston.

Lt Gilchrist did not know whether the car could be salvaged, but said "salt water isn't good for anything".

He said the man, whose identity has not been released, was not injured in the accident.

Never mind that, how is the pelican?

And finally:

A man whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash has been given a bionic bottom.

Ged Galvin, 55, now presses a remote control to open his bowels and go to the toilet.

The IT project manager from Barnsley, south Yorkshire, almost died when an off-duty police officer pulled out in front of him in her car.

Mr Galvin suffered massive internal injuries and had to be fitted with a colostomy bag until surgeons at the Royal London Hospital could perform the complex operation to rebuild his bottom.

The medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves.

These are now operated by a palm-sized remote control that he carries in his pocket.

“It’s like a chubby little mobile phone,” he said. “You switch it on and off, just like switching on the TV.

“They call me the man with the bionic bottom, but that doesn’t bother me. My gratitude to the surgeons is endless because what they have done is a miracle.”

Mr Galvin, who had previously endured the indignity of carrying a colostomy bag, added: “I thought that in these days of modern medicine surely there was something they could do. They'd mended everything else - why not this? Anything was better than a colostomy bag.

“The operation changed my life and gave me back my pride and confidence. Because of the remote control I can lead a normal life again.”

The father-of-two is resigned to having the muscles in his bionic bottom replaced every five years.

What happens when the battery goes flat?




Angus Dei politico