Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Sod orf Twenty Eleventy two

Oodles of skywater, even more lack of warm, more than enough atmospheric movement and not a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this last day of 2013.


Not been a good year for poor old Angus, bits have dropped orf, clogged up and gone tits up, Grimly Dark Orspital  got in touch yestermorn to tell me that I will have to go in to have the arteries reamed next Tuesday instead of Wednesday because "there is a big case coming in" which will apparently take all day in the short stay surgery thingy.

Makes you feel important and cared for-not.


But it has been an even worse year for some people-Michael Schumacher is apparently at death's door after falling orf a couple of flat sticks orf the piste.


The old fella dahn in Sarf Africa finally shuffled orf this mortal coil after a very bad year and to show their love and respect his body was dragged up and dahn the country to be put on show like an exhibit in a freak show for days on end by the "management".


Others who popped orf include-Peter O'Toole, Frank Thornton (who is now finally free), Lou Reed and of course Maggie (I fucked up the country more than anyone else) Thatcher, Mikhail (my product has killed many, many people) Kalashnikov, Ronnie (good riddance) Biggs, and loads of others who I can't be bovvered to mention.


But there is some "good" news:


Ex Nazi El Papa Benedict XVI took the easy way out and "retired" instead of  doing the right thing and expiring, and is now living in luxury in the Vatican probably surrounded by young boys and jack boots.


And despite the best efforts of Dickhead Dave and No Nuts Nick the economy has steadied, mainly due to the Private sector, which would have happened anyway regardless of the Piss Poor Millionaires Club Coalition attempts to equal Thatcher.

Who gives a shit......

Have apparently been paid oodles of loot to switch off their turbines while storms lashed the UK over the festive period and tens of thousands of homes were left without power, according to figures published today.

No change there then..... 

But enough of all this doom and gloom, let's look forward to 2014, may it be better in all ways than this one, may all your dreams be fulfilled, may your bank balance equal that of the members of the sideboard and may your standard of living rise beyond your wildest hopes.

 And if you believe that........


And today's thought: 


Yeah right.......
The next post will be an old Farts first hand view of the National Elf service...


Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Bye-Bye Benedict: Building the economy-or not: Charlie is Kippered: Global warming-blame the worms: Dick-less Dick-head: PAYG Arsehole: Dining at McDonalds Dahn Unda: and the Rainbow Unicorn cake.

Lots of lack of warm, even more skywater, not even a cough of atmospheric movement and negative solar stuff at the Castle this morn, still no hot water-the “man” can’t get here until Wednesday morn, but he did suggest that I switch on the immersion heater in the tank-my reply was “have you seen the price of Leccy lately” to which he made an odd noise and went away.

I see that the Ex Nazi Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger (otherwise known as the Ex Nazi Pope Benedict the more than fifteen) has handed in his notice on the grounds that “I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry.
Oh dear. What a shame, maybe he could spend his remaining time contemplating the millions of people murdered by his former employer...


It seems that the same sex marriage of the ConTories and the LibDooms has managed to complete the massive number of seven of the 576 major building projects in the Government's much-trumpeted national infrastructure plan, according to a report out today.
Apparently only 1 per cent of the schemes are operational and just 18 per cent are said to have "started" or to be "under construction", according to data compiled by Labour from Treasury figures.

Plan “A” really is working then...

Has let go of the tree he has been hugging for the last decade or so and is preparing to battle authorities after Britain's oldest working fish smokehouse was shut down after a single resident complained about the smell.
It had survived for more than 130 years and was bombed in the Blitz but Walter Purkis and Sons was told to close by Haringey council following a complaint from a resident in a nearby flat block in Crouch End, North London.
The Purkis family were informed last month the smokehouse was in breach of the Environmental Protection Act 1990 and the Clean Air Act 1993.
But Charlie, who has been said to be a strong supporter of traditional and organic foods, has stepped in to help the owner of the business, John Purkis, whose family has been in the fish business for generations.
Last week a female member of the Prince's staff came to see the Purkis family and asked for details about what had happened.
It was explained that the smokehouse won a reprieve and was once again allowed to produce its kippers, smoked salmon and mackerel. However the family were worried the reversal of the ban may only be temporary.

That’s alright then; but are they real fish; could they be fake fish with Romanian slugs and snails and puppy dog tails cunningly disguised , perhaps the dept for Gee-Gee Grub could investigate....



Human beings are not the only creatures on Earth who cause the climate of the planet to change. Ordinary earthworms also make a significant contribution to global warming. Scientists believe that in the next few decades, the population of earthworms will experience a real boom.

The soil produces about 20 percent of global emissions of carbon dioxide and two-thirds of nitrous oxide. Worms act as architects of this ecosystem. They make the structure soil more porous and interact with microbes that produce carbon dioxide. The presence of invertebrates in the soil is directly related to the amount of carbon dioxide that the soil releases in the atmosphere. Nitrous oxide produces the bacteria that live in the intestines of worms. The concentration of nitrous oxide is three times higher in the places inhabited by earthworms.

A while back, scientists faced the following problem. On the one hand, worms contribute to the growth of emissions in the atmosphere from the soil. On the other hand, then help "recycle" carbon dioxide, hiding it under the ground. This contradiction became known as the "dilemma of earthworms."

In a new study, an international team of scientists from the Netherlands, the U.S. and Colombia analyzed the results of 237 separate experiments that studied the role of earthworms in greenhouse gas emissions, says the Guardian. The researchers carried out experiments on the emissions of all types of gas and found that the worms increase the global-warming potential of soil by 16 percent.


And the results could even be worse if the worms drive about in cars...


A 50-year-old man developed cancer in his genitals, after he injected himself with olive oil to enlarge his penis.
He required emergency surgery to remove his genitals to stop cancer spreading.
He had been injecting his penis with olive oil over a number of years and it had become infected which caused the cancer.
The un-named man had injected his penis with olive oil in a bid to make it bigger.
The procedure is quite common in Thailand, other substances also used include; bees wax, silicone or even paraffin.
There have been reports from one Bangkok hospital that they see up to 40 patients a month suffering from side-effects of this treatment.

Sod that....


A prisoner who tried to hide a mobile phone was caught when guards heard his backside ringing.
The 58-year-old convict was admitted to the national hospital in Colombo where doctors later retrieved the handset from his bottom.
"The man had concealed the phone inside his person," the official said, asking not to be named.
"Unfortunately for him, the phone rang at the wrong time and guards knew he had a phone at the wrong end."
He said the man was in hospital for two days but was discharged and sent back to prison after the mobile phone was removed.
The prisoner was serving a 10-year sentence for theft at the high security Welikada jail in the capital.

 Should have put it on vibrate...

In a world first, a McDonald's franchise in Australia is offering full table service for its dine-in customers, complete with china plates, glassware and metal utensils in place of the more usual paper boxes and plastic.
Meals are also brought to the table by waiters and waitresses, and diners can daintily dab their lips with cloth napkins after eating.
"It's very popular," store manager Michelle Steain told Reuters of the five-week trial service. "Everyone seems to be loving it."
Glenn and Katia Dwarte, owners of the franchise in Warilla, some 100 km (62 miles) south of Sydney, sought permission for the idea after their habit of serving Mr Dwarte's parents with cutlery and plates caught the attention of other diners.
The dine-in offer is open to customers who purchase premium meals between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. each day.

Spiffing; what next coffee in cups?

And finally:

The rainbow unicorn Pegasus cake.

Eat it if you dare...

Today’s thought:
Waiter I'll have two portions of that.


And today’s mellow melody.


And then.


Thursday, 24 January 2013

S'now recession: Irish leccy: “Hurry Up and Die”: la saleté françaises: Jet surfing: and some “funny” dummies.

More lack of warm than you could shake a set of long johns at, masses of white fluffy/scrapey scrapey stuff, minimum amounts of atmospheric movement and fuck all solar stuff as usual at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread (£1.45) gruel (94ps per tin) and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, bought yet another “charity” fake pound coin for the pay me or stagger around with a basket trolley thingy (so far I have lost two) and his Maj is back to his old loony self.

And alien reptile in disguise George (I don’t have to worry about my gas bill) Osborne is lining up his excuses for his piss poor “management” of broke Blighty’s economy.
Apparently disruption caused by heavy snowfall across Britain could see the UK slip back into recession once again, in what would be an unprecedented setback for the economy.
Back in 2010 Osborne blamed the snow for the UK economy's poor performance in the final quarter of 2010 and he will probably do it again this year.
According to Global Insight's chief UK and European economist Howard Archer "Given the UK's ability to grind to a halt with even a flake, the snow has come at a very brittle time for the UK economy, adding to the headwinds that it is already battling against as it tries to avoid a triple-dip recession,"
2012 saw the double-dip recession begun in October 2011 continue for the first half of the year, before the three months to the end of September 2012 registered growth of 0.9% boosted by the Olympic Games.

Oh good, it was worth the twenty billion for the jumpy, runny, throwy, swimmy thing then......


Allegedly UK and Irish ministers will today sign an agreement that could see some of the world's largest wind turbines built across the Irish midlands.
Stretching more than 600 feet (180 metres) in the air, the towers are set to generate energy for millions of UK homes from 2017.
The UK government says the Irish power is a cheaper form of renewable than offshore wind.
Under the plan, a number of companies are seeking to erect hundreds of wind turbines across the boggy midlands of Ireland. The power generated would be transferred to the UK via undersea cables that would join the grid at two points in Wales.
One of the developers, Element Power, says the plan would save UK consumers around £7bn over 15 years compared to other renewable sources.
The developers also say that thousands of jobs will be created in Ireland and the economy as a whole will benefit.
But concerns are now growing that the turbines needed to provide the power will be of a size and scale not seen in Britain or Ireland before.
"They will be spread around 40 clusters in five counties," said Element Power's Peter Harte.
Because the bog lands are relatively windless, the company behind the scheme says they will need to stretch high into the sky to catch sufficient wind to generate power.

That’s Irish.....


The Japanese finance minister Taro Aso, who also serves as the deputy prime monster, had been in office little more than a month when he insulted Japan’s elderly on Monday, calling those who can no longer feed themselves "tube people,” and claiming that treatment for just one patient close to death can cost the government “tens of millions of yen” a month.

He reckons that he would refuse any treatment meant to prolong his life and “I would wake up feeling increasingly bad knowing that [treatment] was all being paid for by the government,” he said during a meeting of the national council on social security reforms. “The problem won’t be solved unless you let them hurry up and die.”

He obviously hasn’t learnt much since we kicked their arses back in 1945.

A new full course menu of dirt-inspired items at Tokyo French restaurant Ne Quittez Pas will set you back 10,000 yen or $112.
According to Japanese news site Rocketnews24, the chef at the restaurant once won a high profile cooking contest with his dirt sauce, so a full menu of soil-infused courses was apparently the next logical step. The dirt is a special black soil from Kanuma, Tochigi Prefecture and has been tested for safety and purity (yeah right).
The first course is a potato starch and dirt soup served in a shot glass rimmed with salt, and is reportedly way better than it sounds. Apparently it doesn’t have “a dirty flavour at all.”
The second course of salad with dirt dressing “tasted so little of the earthiness I was expecting that I’d kind of forgotten about that ingredient,” writes the reviewer.
And for the main course, “aspic made with oriental clams and the top layer of sediment, and a dirt risotto with sautéed sea bass and burdock root.”
Dessert is dirt ice cream and dirt gratin followed by dirt mint tea that reportedly looks like puddle water.

Oh num fucking num, still they could feed it to the non dying old farts I suppose.


The inventors of a jet-propelled surfboard so they are struggling to keep up with demand.
The Jetsurf is a cross between a surf board and a jet-ski and can reach speeds of 40mph.
The flat carbon fibre board has a 100cc engine attached to the back and features a 2.5 litre fuel tank.
Users stand upright on the board and use their body weight to steer it from side to side like a surfer would.
The craft sucks in water from the front and shoots it out behind, helping it to build up speed very quickly.
Meanwhile, an electronic leash which is attached to the surfer's wrist acts as both a throttle and an emergency kill-cord.
It was developed by and the company says it is struggling to keep up with demand for the £7,000 product.
Technician Ben Gibson said: "It handles like a surf board and the weight of it isn't much more than a kite board or a surf board.
"Out of all the sports out there it is actually closest to snowboarding, as you are not getting pulled around or waiting for waves like on a surf board.
"We make 20 boards a month, all handmade, and constantly have a waiting list for them."

Sort of defeats the object doesn’t it....

And finally: 

Here are a few pics of “funny” dummies:



And today’s thought:



Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Climate Aid: Vandals cancel Crimbo: Bangers and Crimbo: Brain puzzle: Nyasasaurus parringtoni: and driving Dogs.

A whimsical layer of white fluffy stuff, a whatnot of atmospheric movement and nary a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this morn, the butler is running out of fat, carbon neutral teenagers to feed to the furnace and his Maj is in the study clinging to the radiator.


It turns out that the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition has managed to find £2 billion squids to give to foreign projects including wind turbines in Africa and greener cattle farming in Colombia.
Allegedly the inhabitants of every Castle in backward Blighty will “contribute” £70 to schemes to tackle climate change in developing countries before March 2015, under plans championed by Ed Davey, the Liberal Democrat Energy Secretary.
At a United Nations climate change talks in Doha, Qatar shit for brains Davey gave details of £150 million in new projects as part of Britain’s £1.8 billion in “climate aid” for poorer countries within three years – the equivalent of £70 per household.
Mr Davey said the money should be spent because “climate change is a global threat and with every passing year, the nature and the extent of that threat grows clearer”.
Apparently what’s his name-the Deputy Prime Monster hailed the cash as “fantastic news”.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck---ing hell.


Up Norfish in Stanley Durham a nice eight foot metal Crimbo tree with thousands of twinkly blue lights was taken dahn because it was running on 240 volts, Durham County Councillor Carl Marshall, who helped organise the festival, said: 'The tree was metal and covered in LEDs.
'If anyone was to open up a junction box or was messing about with it then there was good risk that they would not just get a little shock.
'It would be a fatality.

Just like every lamp post in the land then....


A butcher has created a festive dinner – all in one sausage.

James Taylor, 32, and his wife Heather have created Santa’s Grills, which includes sprouts, bacon, chestnuts and sausage meat.

And the sausages, which cost £8 a kilo, have been a hit with customers at their market stall, Bobbys Bangers, in Oldham, Greater Manchester.

“They’re going like hotcakes,” James said. “We’re selling around 2,500 sausages a week.”

He has even made a mince pie banger: “They’re sweet, but a nice change from the norm,” he added.


That’s me sorted for Crimbo then.....


Aundrea Aragon had complained for months about her runny nose was horrified to find out that fluid was leaking from her brain.
Several doctors had reassured Aundrea Aragon from Tucson, Arizona, that the clear liquid was simply caused by allergies.
"I was scared to death and desperate," the 35-year-old mother said. "I knew it could not be allergies. The fluid would come out like a puddle."
The steroids and antibiotics she was prescribed had no effect.
"I was walking around with toilet paper shoved up my nose and changing it every ten minutes," Mrs Aragon recalled.
Surgeons at the University of Arizona eventually noticed two small cracks in the back of her sphenoid sinus, which were caused by cerebral pressure.
Using an endoscopic procedure, doctors were able to avoid invasive surgery and fix the condition with a minimal recovery period.

They used tissue from her nose and belly to repair the cracks.

I wondered what that grey stuff was last time I sneezed....

“They” have apparently discovered the first dinosaur to have walked the Earth, a mysterious fossil specimen that has been in the museum's collection for decades has now been identified as most likely coming from a dinosaur that lived about 245 million years ago - 10 to 15 million years earlier than any previously discovered examples.
It has been named Nyasasaurus parringtoni after southern Africa's Lake Nyasa, now called Lake Malawi, and Cambridge University's Rex Parrington, who collected the specimen at a site near the lake in the 1930s.

The creature was about the size of a Labrador dog.

That’ll help the economy....

And finally:


A New Zealand animal welfare group has spent eight weeks teaching three of its shelter dogs to drive.
The Auckland SPCA says it wanted to show how intelligent dogs were to encourage more people to adopt them.
Three dogs were chosen from a group of seven and given daily training exercises to familiarise themselves with the mechanics of driving.
After just eight weeks Porter, Monty and Ginny were put behind the wheels of an adapted Mini Cooper and reportedly managed to put it in gear, accelerate and steer.
So far, the dogs have been driving with the help of an assistant inside the car, but their next challenge is to drive solo on live television.
Auckland SPCA Chief Christine Kalin said: "They will hop in, start the car, put it into gear, and use the accelerator.
"It's an off-road raceway track and at all times we have a remote capacity to stop the car should we need to."
Ms Kalin described the three pooches as "highly adoptable", adding: "They are very intelligent, but they aren't any more special than any of the other SPCA dogs.
"Our dream would be throughout our major cities and across Australasia will be people will be proud of owning a rescue dog."

That can steal your car.....


And today’s thought:
Think I prefer cold weather



Monday, 26 November 2012

Boris does the sub-continent: Up your VAT: 'Temperature tolerant chocolate': Reckless electricity: Eternal Tardigrades: and a Squeaky brat.

Bathfuls of sky water, bothersome atmospheric movement, blissful amounts of lack of warm and bugger all solar stuff at the Castle this morn, following yestermorn’s battle with the Giant Flying Freudian Penis and tethering it dahn to the patio I was kept awake by wet stuff dripping on it all night.
Still watching updates being “installed” on the “new” desktop and have just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food and “Dreamies” run dahn Tesco.
And his Maj has discovered the joy of a nice warm TV screen.

Apparently the Mayor of the Smoke has begun a six-day tour of India to promote business links.
He said the UK could no longer rely on the colonial sentiments of the past as it seeks to build new business links with India.
Boris Johnson said to simply rely on India's history with the UK "simply didn't cut the mustard".
BJ began his tour visiting the Akshardham Hindu temple, before heading to India Gate, in Delhi.
He was greeted by monks with a garland of rose petals and the traditional kanku - with the red dot daubed on his forehead.
But a bemused Indian local mistook him for Wimbledon legend Boris Becker.
Akash Bharadia, 18, who is spending his gap year volunteering at the temple, said: "One of the locals shouted out it was Boris Becker while some people asked whether he was the King of England.

Nah: It’s the king of cock-ups; there goes any hope of trade with the sub Continent.


Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I enjoyed the sus anal bum party) Osborne is so bleedin bad at his attempts to do his job that he may have to raise VAT to 25% to balance the budget.
Weak economic growth and lower than expected tax payments have left a hole in the Chancellor’s plans that may need to be filled by higher taxes or further cuts to public spending, the Institute for Fiscal Studies said.
Even under the most “optimistic” forecast, the Chancellor will miss his target for debt to fall between 2015 and 2016 and should abandon the goal, the IFS said.
But a more pessimistic assessment suggests that Mr Osborne will also fail to achieve his key “fiscal mandate”, which is to balance the budget within five years, the IFS said.
If the current weak growth and low tax receipts are permanent, the Chancellor will need another £23 billion of tax rises or spending cuts to be on course to meet his mandate by 2018, the report said.
The think-tank said this would be “roughly equivalent to increasing the main rate of VAT from 20 per cent to 25 per cent”, or imposing even deeper welfare cuts than announced so far.

Nice work you useless twonk...


Cadbury’s scientists have come up with a new kind of chocolate that stays solid in the most sweltering temperatures.
The newly invented Dairy Milk bars can remain in boiling temperatures of up to 104 degrees for more than three hours before even starting to soften up
Engineers at the Cadbury’s research and development plant in Bourneville have set out their revolutionary technique for making the ‘temperature tolerant chocolate’ in an 8,000 word patent application.
The secret to the new bars is a change in the so-called 'conching step' - where a container filled with metal beads grinds the ingredients, which usually include cocoa butter, vegetable oils, milk and sugar.
Scientists has developed a way of breaking down sugar particles into smaller pieces, reducing how much fat covers them and making the bar more resistant to heat

 The only snag is that Cadbury’s confectionary invention will not be available to Brits – even when the weather starts to warm up, it will only be available in tropical countries thought to include India and Brazil.

With our wevver I don’t think it will make much difference....


A Dundee man is facing court accused of “recklessly producing household electricity” with a bizarre homemade transformer, a court heard today.
Charles McKenzie is alleged to have rigged up a “dangerous transformer assembly” at his flat in Dundee’s Dudhope Court.
It is alleged he “culpably and recklessly” produced electricity “with total disregard for the safety of yourself and others”.
Fiscal depute Laura Bruce said: “The Crown’s position is that he had this man-made assembly in his house suspended from the ceiling by thin ropes.
“There was a car battery and cans of petrol nearby.”


You probably know this but:

There are creatures called Tardigrades which were put out into open vacuum space and solar radiation for ten days, and survived. Some of the ones that died managed to mysteriously resurrect themselves

Commonly known as waterbears or moss piglets they are small, water-dwelling, segmented animals with eight legs. They form the phylum Tardigrada, and part of the superphylum Ecdysozoa. It's an ancient group, with fossils dating from 530 million years ago, in the Cambrian period. The first Tardigrades were discovered by Johann August Ephraim Goeze in 1773. Since 1778, over 500 new tardigrade species have been found.

Usually, Tardigrades are 1mm when they are fully grown. They are short and plump with 4 pairs of poorly articulated lobopodial limbs. Each limb has 4-8 claws also known as disks. Tardigrades all possess a buccopharyngeal membrane apparatus, which, along with the claws, are used to differentiate the different species. Tardigrades are covered in cuticle which contains chitin and protein.

Knew there would be a snag....


And finally:



Family and teachers thought 7-year-old Hector Flores Jr. of New York was playing a trick on them when they heard him making a squeaking sound.

Turns out, the boy had swallowed a whistle from his plastic toy duck nearly a month ago.

His family took him to the emergency room and doctors were able to remove the whistle piece from Hector's lung.





And today’s thought:
Blighty export



Monday, 24 September 2012

Bank of Bollocks: Pension properties: Not bringing home the bacon (or sausages): Nipple checks: ‘Eel not do that again: and a Teenage wanker who won’t be able to...

Dark, more than damp, dingy and drear at the Castle this morn, a surprising amount of lack of cold and double that amount of non atmospheric movement.

Had a day out with a few mates yesterday-it pissed dahn all day and all evening and all night.

 And Blogger is being a right pain in the Asaragus...hence the piss poor formatting...


Is about to give £1 billion of our loot to try to help firms struggling to borrow from traditional high street banks.
He claims the business bank will be a “lasting monument” underlining the need for fundamental reform of the banking system in the wake of the credit crisis.
There have been widespread complaints from small and medium-sized firms that banks are blocking access to finance and hindering their ability to expand.
According to the old fart “I am working with the Chancellor to develop a state-backed institution that will combine up to £1 billion of new government capital with a larger private sector contribution.”

Ye-fucking Gods! Here’s an idea-why not get back £1 billion of our money given to the Wanker Bankers and use that?


Middle-class parents and grandparents will be able to use money from their pension funds to give grown-up children a deposit to get on the housing ladder, the Liberal Democrats have promised.
The Deputy Prime Monster, revealed details of the “pensions for property” scheme at the Lib Dem conference in Brighton.
The scheme will be targeted at parents who have built up a pension fund worth around £40,000 and are nearing retirement.
Lib Dem officials estimated that around 250,000 households have pension assets of around that value.
They include many public sector workers including teachers and nurses.
Pension schemes typically allow members to take around a quarter of the value of the fund in a lump sum when they retire.
Some people use the money for home improvements, holidays or cars. Ministers said the scheme would allow them to forego such things and help their children instead.
Under the new scheme, parents would sign an agreement with their child’s mortgage lender promising that the lump sum will go towards the cost of the child’s home.
So a parent with a £40,000 pension pot would be able to promise £10,000 as a deposit on a child’s first home.

Have I slipped into an alternative universe while I was sleeping?

Blighty is facing a bacon and sausage shortage as pig farmers reduce the size of their herds due to the
soaring price of feed.
A mass cull is under way among farmers who can no longer afford to feed their animals, according to the National Pig Association.
Droughts in North America and Russia have caused a global failure in the grain crop used for animal feed, pushing up the price.
The National Pig Association predicts Britain’s breeding stock will shrink by more than eight per cent by Christmas.
Chairman Richard Longthorp said: ‘There will be a shortage of pigs very soon and that will lead to spiralling prices.’
Piggin breakfast-or not...
It seems that beauty contests are a tad different in China, as well as measuring the contestant’s chest, waist, and hips an extra bit-the distance between nipples, if the nipples are not at least 20 centimetres apart, then the contestant is out.
Yet another job I have missed out on….

A man with an eel lodged in his bottom has shown up at a New Zealand emergency department 
asking for help.
The unnamed man presented himself at the Auckland City Hospital for treatment last week, the New Zealand Herald reported.
X-rays revealed the eel "about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus," a hospital source told the newspaper.
The eel was removed and the man went on his way. The hospital confirmed the story to the newspaper, but revealed no further details in order to protect the man's privacy.
It was not clear how the eel had found its way inside the man. According to the newspaper, eels are secretive, nocturnal and prefer habitats with plenty of cover.
Bum Asparagus?
And finally:
 A teenager accidentally shot himself in the penis and testicle while cleaning his new gun.
Michael Smeriglio had reportedly not had the gun for longer than a month when the bizarre (and painful) accident happened.
While cleaning his weapon 9the gun, not his knob) 18-year-old Smeriglio somehow pulled the trigger and fired a shot which went through his penis and left testicle.
Doctors say the bullet ended up getting lodged in his thigh, though Smeriglio is now recovering from the ordeal.
During their investigation of the incident, police reportedly found marijuana in the house.
Stone me, what a Plonker...
And today’s thought:
Bye-bye cruel world...


Sunday, 19 August 2012

It wasn’t me

As I sit here in the Castle slowly dissolving into the sofa there is a thought running through what is left of my mind, and that thought is-I am getting more than a tad fed up with being blamed for all the ills in Blighty.
And I suspect that many others of a similar age are of a like mind, because apparently baby boomers are guilty of the state of our once proud nation, we have it seems destroyed the economy, raised taxes so that we can live in luxury on our massive pensions, eliminated growth, executed industry, sent the Eurozone into freefall, brought back whooping cough, invented University fees, euthanized the NHS, demolished the housing sites and thrown the exchequers (our) money into the nearest black hole.

Wrong: What “we” have done is work our arses orf for more decades than those right wingers have been on this buggered up world, paid our taxes, so that they can have free education, free health care and a reasonable-ish life. 

Let me enlighten those of you who have been misled so badly by “them”.
And this is not an excuse or a plea for sympathy, just a glimpse into a world you do not know and never will.

 Back in post war Blighty there was not a lot of decent food, believe it or not some of us didn’t live in nice detached houses in leafy suburbs, housing was mainly council estates, there were no “luxuries” such as central heating, bathrooms, inside loos, double glazing, phones, cars or bananas, there were a lot of jobs though mainly because some other bunch of right wing lunatics decided to take over the world and managed to kill orf quite a lot of young sons, brothers and husbands who thankfully stopped them.

But we managed, we managed to get our free education, pass our exams and then help the family out by getting orf our arses and getting a job to bring a bit more money into the family.

Many of us didn’t go to “free” university, not because we were dim but because the greater good came before personal gain.

We had an ethic, which we learned from our parents and grandparents to look after the young, the old and the family, to work for what we wanted and if we couldn’t afford it we didn’t get it.
We didn’t think that the world owed us anything we didn’t expect to move straight from school to Oxbridge, get a degree, move into a nice pad, have a well paid job, buy a BMW and sail though life while everyone else did their own thing, it doesn’t work like that. 

I admit we have been far too trusting of those we elected to look after our interests. We believed them when they said-“you have never had it so good”, and that they would look after the old, the sick those without work and our young.

But what we ended up with was bunch of thieving, lying, self interested rich gits who voted themselves into power and so far have managed to make things a lot worse.
And no, I didn’t vote for any of them, but we old farts do vote, usually before the pubs close and not always for those we meant to, and they have realised that we have a certain amount of clout-hence the increase in the basic state pension-or maybe not, and the double U-Turn on care for even older old farts. 

The truth is that the bankers cocked up the economy (average age well below old fart status), the lying Lib Dems (ditto) brought in university fees, the Tories upped VAT and fuel costs, and someone back in eighties deciding to sell orf a large percentage of council houses which led to the housing “boom”.
The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is stubbornly set on an economic course that was never going to work (like the 2.6 million unemployed) and is refusing to take a step back and look at the big picture. 

So there it is, decades of mismanagement by politicians of all party colours, decades of lying and false promises which has led to dear old Blighty becoming a third world country, and now turning the young against the old, the haves against the have not’s and all against sundry. 

Blame the politicians, blame your parents, blame him/her upstairs but don’t blame us old farts because we didn’t do it-whatever “it” is.


Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Nice one ‘Gov’: The art of “Lords”: Cheesy goodness: Rondon Blidge has just gorn up: Pools and cons in Athens: and living the double entendre.

Dawn’s crack was nice and clear at the Castle this morn, it is a mere 88f in the master bedroom and a ‘cool’ 76f dahn in the kitchen and as I sit here wearing my new shorts a nice cool breeze is caressing my knees.

His Maj has buggered orf to find somewhere cool in the garden and since having the furnace “serviced” a few days ago I have no hot water.

And Blogger is doing strange things to my ramblings...

It seems that the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition has finally gorn and done it- Britain is in its longest double-dip recession for more than 50 years, according to official figures expected today.
Analysts believe gross domestic product (GDP) shrunk by about 0.2 per cent between April and June, its third consecutive three-month period of contraction. That would be the longest double-dip recession since quarterly records began in 1955 and is believed to be the worst since the Second World War. The last, in the 1970s, lasted only two quarters. 

Son of a .......Baronet and alien reptile in disguise George (what recession) Osborne defended the figures and is expected to point to Britain's low borrowing costs and to argue that the eurozone crisis is harming growth prospects in the UK.

The fact that the person in the street doesn’t have any money and is unable to buy things thus keeping “manufacturing” in the Gov rear exit seems to have completely missed what passes for a brain of the Bullingdon Bum Boy...

In the upper bit of the leaning tower of Westminster

As the unemployed exist on less than £70 per week Peers spent tens of thousands of pounds-worth of taxpayers’ money last year on paintings and other art despite the public spending squeeze.
Figures disclosed by Lords’ authorities’ show that in 2011/12 the House of Lords Works of Art Collection Fund spent nearly £175,000 on paintings and statues.
The amount spent is a 10-fold increase on the year before when just £18,000 was spent on works of art
The haul for 2011/12 included a £7,500 portrait of Viscountess Rhondda, by Alice Mary Burton, and a £25,200 House of Lords silver centrepiece by Brett Payne.
The Collection also spent £8,500 on a bust of Prince Philip, and a £5,000 watercolour by Robert Weir Allan of Queen Victoria’s Jubilee Procession on Whitehall.
The largest sum - £108,000 - went on new art bought especially for new peers’ offices at Millbank House in Westminster.
The collection has more than 8,000 works of art – of which 20 per cent are not on display throughout the House of Lords.
The earliest pieces in the collection date from the medieval age, with “major holdings dating from the 18th, 19th and 20th centuries” as well as some modern art.
A spokesman for the Lords said: "“The House of Lords works of art budget for purchases has been halved from £50,000 in 2010/11 to £25,000 in 2011/12. There will be no grant in 2012/13.
“In September 2011 the House of Lords opened a large new office block in Milbank House. A separate grant of £135,000 was provided to purchase works of art for the new building.

I see we are still “all in this together”....

According to the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition

Scientists say the chances of developing type two diabetes could be 12 per cent lower for those who love cheeses.

Although high in saturated fat, it may be rich in types of the fat that could be good for the body, they believe.
The findings on the effect of cheese, published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, come from one of the largest ever studies to look at the role of diet in health.

One reason why cheese lovers may be at less risk of diabetes could be that the fermentation process triggers some kind of reaction that protects against diabetes and heart problems, the researchers said.

Two snags:
 1. The charity Diabetes UK warned against eating more cheese until the results were confirmed in other studies.

Dr Iain Frame, director of research, said: “It is too simplistic to concentrate on individual foods.

“We recommend a healthy balanced diet, rich in fruit and vegetables and low in salt and fat.

2. And I can’t afford to buy cheese anymore anyway....

At about 200 miles northwest of Shanghai, in China’s Jiangsu province, London’s Tower Bridge was added to the replica collection of famous landscapes from around the world.
This collection includes even the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Alexandre III Bridge.
In addition to these famous structures, there’s a Dutch-like town in the area, complete with windmills and Dutch-style houses.
Often called as the “Venice of the East,” Suzhou is like a second home to China’s Venetian tourists.
Even the “English-style coffee” that everyone loves so much is available at the café at the top of the Tower Bridge.
The only thing that the Chinese Tower Bridge is missing is the raising mechanism to let boats pass by. Otherwise, it looks almost identical to the original one.


Allegedly Greece's largest maximum security prison won't get to keep its waterfall-adorned, barbecue-equipped pool.
The Justice Ministry on Tuesday ordered the destruction of a 7.4-meter (24-foot) long pool in the yard of Korydallos prison's psychiatric wing, saying the structure was built without permission and did not comply with health and safety standards.
The pool's existence at the jail near Athens was reported by a newspaper Sunday. The ministry said the structure, reportedly built last year, includes a small rock waterfall and a poolside barbecue installation.
Greece's Prison Officers Association said the pool was built using money the group raised and was restricted to staff and inmates at the psychiatric wing. Korydallos houses some 2,300 inmates, with about 300 receiving some form of psychiatric care.

Overcrowding at Greek prisons has worsened since the start of the country's major financial crisis in late 2009, according to the Justice Ministry and the prison officers association, due to a spike in violent crime and prosecutions for tax-related offenses.

Ah; the old Elfandsafety no pool ploy....


And finally:

All across our hot and sweaty land there lurks a veritable volume of naughty names.

We have:

Beaver Close, Surrey

Bell End, Worcestershire

Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire

Felch Square, Powys

Fine Bush Lane, Ruislip

Minge Lane, Worcestershire

Dick Court, Lanarkshire

Slag Lane, Merseyside

Hole of Horcum, North York Moor

Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire

Spanker Lane, Nether Heage

Funbag Drive, Watford

Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire

Shitterton, Dorset

Lickfold, West Sussex

Ladygate Lane, Ruislip

Twatt - there's two! One in Shetland and another in Orkney

Cocks, Cornwall

Cockermouth, Cumbria

Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire

Friars' Entry, Oxfordshire

Fingringhoe, Essex

Crotch Crescent, Oxfordshire

Cumming Court, Gloucestershire 

And my personal favourite: 

Butt Hole Road, South Yorkshire

Don’t you just love Blighty...

And today’s thought:
Olympic dairy farm