The blame game: Dave and his daughter: Chuffin bonkers: Ring in a ring: Mantra footie: and Take your pick...

‘tis chucking it dahn at the Castle this morn, the liquid metal gauge is struggling to rise and his Maj thinks that I can control the wevver so that he can go out.

No post yesterday as it was the annual Canadian Grand Prix old farts day out, a drive to Chobham to meet up with five or six other old farts (depending who is still alive) at my rich gits mate’s house, then orf to Teddington lock for a pub lunch, then a trip up the river on his motor cruiser, then back to his house to watch said Grand Prix on his fifty inch, smart, HD, 3D internet connected “entertainment centre” on Sky F1 which started at 7 of the pm.

And as old farts do we all fell asleep and missed the bloody thing, but the weather was nice, luckily I set the thingy to record the highlights on BBC1, but as usual I already know who won....roll on next year...

Son of a B....aronet and alien reptile in disguise

George (I blame all those foreigners) Osborne has decided that it isn’t his Piss Poor Policies which has put bollixed up Blighty back in the recession league.

Apparently Hopes of a British economic revival are being "killed off" by events across the Channel, he claimed.

Writing in yesterday's Sunday Telegraph, George O warned that the deal to rescue Spain's banking system would not be sufficient to end the threat to the UK economy.

He said. "That's why a resolution of the eurozone crisis would do more than anything else to give our economy a boost."

Fuck orf you overeducated shit for brains Bullingdon knob head.....

And U-Turn Cam had to do yet another U-Turn

To retrieve his eight year old daughter from the pub:

Allegedly the Prime Monster, Mrs Prime Monster and a few body guards pulled up to Chequers, two miles away from The Plough in Cadsden, Bucks before they realised she was not with them.

U-Turn Cam jumped straight in the car and rushed back to collect his daughter, arriving at the pub about 15 minutes after the family had originally left.

Upon his arrival he was relieved to find Nancy contentedly helping out the staff, according to reports. Downing Street confirmed the incident had happened after a Sunday lunch but the exact date was not known.

 

Probably because Dave can’t remember it....

And the latest thing for aspiring ball kickers

Is; chanting mantras in the dressing room before games:, Hypnotherapist Sheila Granger’s “mind management” sessions included the lads chanting phrases such as “I can be the best tackler” and “We can score the best goals”. She said: “I also got the boys to sit in a circle and stare at a football in the middle

“I told them to close their eyes and ­visualise playing their best as well as how they wanted the match to go. They almost go into a trance. The idea is to focus their attention and get rid of any distractions.

“I told the team to delete any thoughts of negatives in the past – such as bad tackles from previous games. If you keep focusing on the negatives it can be a distraction.”

It’s only a game.....

East to the land of ex-British rail

How to get 1,000 people on a chuff-chuff in 30 seconds.

Back in rear exit Blighty

Fire crews were called to a hospital to cut off a sex aid after a pensioner had battled for 36 hours to remove it.

Bemused surgeons asked for help when the 69-year-old turned up at North Manchester General Hospital and revealed his problem.

Crews from Blackley station rushed to the ward and used a precision cutting tool to free the patient.

The patient originally turned up at Fairfield Hospital, Bury, at 11pm before he was transferred to North Manchester.

Plans were made to use a four-inch angle grinder to remove the ring-shaped object, but eventually an air cut-off tool was selected.

Cooling cream was applied to the area and the patient was asked to sign a form acknowledging he was aware of the dangers of the operation.

The delicate procedure took place in the operating theatre and is understood to have taken more than an hour.

The man spent the night at the hospital and was released yesterday morning.

It is thought fire-fighters involved were offered counselling following the incident.

Should have used a cucumber.....

And finally:

East a bit to the land that probably won’t be much longer

In the capitol of democracy, Clarke police are trying to track down thieves who stole nearly 400,000 toothpicks from a local toothpick manufacturer.

Six cases of toothpicks went missing from Armond’s Manufacturing Company Inc., 95 Trade St., Athens about two weeks ago, and another seven cases disappeared last weekend, according to police.

Each case contained 288 packages of 100 toothpicks, which brings the total number of purloined picks to 374,400.

The plastic toothpicks have a total value of $2,808, police said.

In addition to the MicroPicks, the thieves also stole cases of white ProPicks, police said.

 

Pick and pack pilferers...

That’s it: I’m orf to use Kinsight to find my keys

And today’s thought:

Touchy-feely winter Olympics

  

Angus  

Blighty is broke: Fuelling poverty: Golf gamble: Lexicon of regionalisms: Winnebago parking: and Rhubarb, rhubarb.

Warm and wet with a whimsy of opaque air at the Castle this morn, the fallic Glu has really taken hold again-I have this urge to find a Portuguese Tart and I am up to three boxes of Lemsip’s a week.

According to

Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t find my purse) Osborne has finally discovered that the Government 'has run out of money' and cannot afford debt-fuelled tax cuts or extra spending.

George (I want to go back to my own planet) reckons that there is little the Coalition can do to stimulate the economy.

So after what seems like a decade in “power” George (I may have to sack two servants) has laid the blame on “that lot who spent all the dosh”-Labour for his lack of fiscal know how. 

But George (My pension would only be £32,977) has decided that he will stand firm on his effort to balance the books by refusing to borrow money. “Any tax cut would have to be paid for, in other words there would have to be a tax rise somewhere else or a spending reduction.”

“In other words what we are not going to do in this Budget is borrow more money to either increase spending or cut taxes.”

In other words George-fuck orf and take the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition with you....

And just to add another joy to existing in Blighty

According to “campaigners” more than nine million households will be living in fuel poverty within four years unless the Government directs £4bn a year from carbon taxes to families in greatest need.

More Britons die every year from living in a cold home than on the roads, they said, with the situation expected to worsen sharply because of soaring utility bills.

A new study has revealed that there are a million more households already living in fuel poverty compared with previous estimates, taking the total to 6.4 million. The study, by energy efficiency experts Camco, suggests that the total will hit 9.1 million by 2016.

A petition is being launched today at www.energybillrevolution.org to raise support for the Energy Bill Revolution campaign. It is already backed by more than 50 charities, unions, consumer groups and businesses, including Save the Children, the National Pensioners' Convention, Consumer Focus and the Co-operative Group.

The good news is-actually there isn’t any......

East to the bit of land between the top and bottom bits of Korea

Is Camp Bonifas’ golf course in Panmunjom, featuring only one hole — a 192-yard par 3 —designed to give some of the 50 soldiers stationed there a bit of entertainment.

Instead of “members only” signs there is a nice reminder- “Danger! Do not retrieve balls from the rough; live mine fields” greets visitors before they step onto the course, which contains an Astroturf putting green and, for some reason, a gun tower.

The minefields surround the hole, and at least one mine is said to have exploded due to an errant slice.

The course was named after U.S. Army Captain Arthur Bonifas, who was one of the few American soldiers killed during the ax murder incident of 1978.

I can think of a few sideboard Ministers that should try it-after the sign has been removed...

West to the home of the accent and the land of the other English language

Language lovers are celebrating the nation's diverse and colourful lexicon with the soon-to-be-published final volume of the Dictionary of American Regional English, also known by its acronym, DARE.

Which contains such gems as- a drinking fountain is called a bubbler in Wisconsin, a dry-land fish to Kentuckians and Tennesseans is an edible mushroom. A tadpole is a pinkwink on Cape Cod. And a toad-strangler in the Gulf States is a turd-floater in Texas and Oklahoma and a fence-lifter in the Ozarks; all three describe a heavy rain.

And ask for a pickle in Nebraska and you might get a lottery ticket.

Super, as the old saying goes- Blighty and America-Two nations divided by a common language

Still in the place where parking spaces are at a premium

Fishermen participating in the annual Lake Winnebago ice fishing contest over the weekend found themselves scouting for their modes of transportation after 36 parked vehicles went through the ice, authorities said Sunday.

"We had some cars that got wet," a dispatcher with the Winnebago County Sheriff's Department said. "We had cars parked on the ice like it was a parking lot. Usually they do park out on the ice. That's not unusual. It's just that they parked too close together. It was too much for the ice conditions this year."

Tournament organizers for the Battle on Bago reportedly warned people about parking on the ice Saturday, but some had trouble finding spots elsewhere and parked on the lake anyway. Of about 50 cars parked on the ice, four were submerged more than half way, 18 were partially submerged, and 14 sunk to the top of their wheels, according to the sheriff's department.

"They all started early in the morning. Throughout the day with the sun and everything else, vehicles started to sink," the dispatcher explained.

The ice was about a foot thick.

The lake is shallow where the cars were parked, and tow trucks were called in to pull out the cars. No one was in the vehicles and no one was injured, the dispatcher said.

The tournament was Friday and Saturday. Sturgeon spearing season on Lake Winnebago ends Sunday.

Several other cars had broken through the ice earlier in the month, authorities said.

  

Probably thought the ‘no parking’ sign meant ‘car wash’ in Wisconsin...

And finally:
 

Back in burgled Blighty

The woodentops in the Smoke has published a list of 30 plants that can help homeowners protect their gardens from thieves, including giant rhubarb and gooseberry bushes.

The guidelines on "How to stop garden thieves" state that people can 'make their home more secure' by planting giant rhubarb - which has 'abrasive foliage' - and 'spiny' gooseberry bushes.

The advice - which even gives the Latin name for the plants and bushes - states: "Your garden, as well as your house, has valued possessions that thieves would love to steal.

"It also has equipment that could help them break into your house.

"Most burglars are lazy. They look for easy ways of getting into a house or garden (and) by taking a few simple precautions you can reduce the risk of being burgled and make your house and garden more secure."

It then lists all 30 plants, stating 'Here are some suggestions for plants to use', adding jokingly: "We have tried to identify the plants mentioned by their correct botanical name, but we cannot guarantee that the plant you buy will not grow into a small, fragrant flowering shrub with no more thorns than a daisy."

Here are some of the Mets suggestions:

Creeping Juniper, Blue Spruce, Common Holly, Giant Rhubarb, Golden Bamboo, Chinese Jujube, Firethorn, Shrub Rose, Pencil Christmas Tree, Juniper, Purple Berberis, Mountain Pine, Blue Pine, Oleaster, Blackthorn and the Fuschia-flowered Gooseberry.

And you could also have Aralia, Chaenomeles, Colletia, Crataegus (including hawthorn/may), Hippophae (sea buckthorn), Maclura, Mahonia, Oplopanax, Osmanthus, Poncirus, Rhamnus, Rosa (climbing & shrub roses), Rubus (bramble), Smilax Prickly ash (Zanthoxylum).

And in many years you will have a burglar proof garden-I prefer the electrified fence but I have got a twelve foot mock orange-if you can dig the bloody thing up you can have it.....

That’s it: I’m orf to get some new specs

And today’s thought:

Golfcraft carrier.

And now back to bed...

Angus

Money in the bank: Too rich to list: Digital socks: Brothel botherer: Manhole Numpty: and Books of wood.

Shallow, slushy and rough at the Castle this morn (just like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition), just got back from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run at Tesco, the roads are fine-no frost no wind, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.

The French farce continues with a longing for an equine steak...

Up to the part of the Smoke that isn’t

Allegedly the Bank of Blighty Monetary Policy Committee is set to announce on Thursday that it is expanding its Quantitative Easing programme from £275bn to £325bn.

Several members of MPC signalled at their January meeting that they would vote for a further round of QE this month.

City economists had thought the committee would approve a further £75bn of asset purchases this month, but services and manufacturing surveys have suggested that the economy performed slightly better than expected in the early weeks of this year.

Yippee-I claim my share.....

And apparently Councils have given Eric (if it moves I’ll eat it) Pickles the middle finger

Despite ordering them to identify staff earning more than £58,200 a year and any spending of more than £500 council chiefs said they had so many well-paid staff the cost of listing them and their responsibilities could run into hundreds of thousands of pounds. They also said staff safety would be at risk if the public knew how much they earned.

Other councils claimed that taxpayers lacked the “evaluation skills” to decide whether spending was good value for money and would fall victim to “misunderstandings”. Several insisted there was little demand locally for information on how they spent public money.

 Oh shit.....

Over to the left where bits of sand make billions

The latest fashion accessory is flamboyantly coloured, audaciously patterned socks; it seems that wearing flashy socks is more than an expression of your personality. It signals that you are part of the in crowd. It’s like a secret handshake for those who have arrived, and for those who want to.

Lee Sylvia, a sock buyer at Sockshop and Shoe Company, which has stores in San Francisco and Santa Cruz, Calif., said that sales of wild socks were up, an observation echoed by other local sock specialists.

Selling particularly well are geometric patterns, pink and purple, orange and black for the San Francisco Giants, socks with words like “bacon” and “beer,” and “anything with ninjas,” she said.

The most popular styles cost $12 to $40 a pair and are made of combed cotton or wool by companies like Happy Socks, Anonymousism, Paul Smith and Corgi.

Sock it to me?

Dahn Unda

A firm of private investigators in Australia has been advertising for a £50,000-a-year 'brothel inspector'.

The post involves "partaking of sexual services" undercover on behalf of local councils in New South Wales.

The Lyonswood Investigations and Forensic Group in Sydney placed the ad for a 'Brothel Buster Investigator' in My Career magazine.

Applicants were required to be unmarried and preferably single, willing to have protected sex with prostitutes and to provide sworn evidence in court.

Lyonswood operations manager Lachlan Jarvis said the job involved visiting suspected illegal brothels and gathering evidence to prove they were offering sexual services.

"Some jobs require the offering of sexual services, some actually require the partaking of sexual services... because it is considered the most convincing evidence," he said.

Mr Jarvis said the ad had proved popular with Sydney job seekers.

"We had dozens if not more than that apply, it was certainly a popular job," he said, "the perfect job for a male."

I could do that-if I had some blood pressure pills...

Up a fair way to the land of brain dead parents

How not to teach your kids about explosives...

And finally:

Left to the place that looks like a high heel

In Padova University is the collection of wooden books, once a collection of roughly a hundred, nearly half of these rare wooden books have been lost or destroyed since their creation in the late 1700s or early 1800s, leaving only 56.

These books are both about trees and constructed of them, each volume is about a different species of tree, with its cover made from the wood of that tree, showing both wood radial, longitudinal, and cross profiles. And on each spine is a section of the tree's bark.

Inside are the book's contents - but rather than paper describing the tree, each book holds bits of the tree itself. Seedlings, leaves, roots, sawdust, charcoal, flowers, and seeds are all fastened in place and numbered. Each book is accompanied by a handwritten piece of parchment with a legend explaining what each sample is.

Now there’s somewhere to visit-if you are tired of life....

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at Cetus.

And today’s thought:

Angus

The MOT M.O.T.: Formula 0.5: Cutting costs: Big Apple leper colony: Chilly Chilean: Damp dining: and Fancy retiring to Ecuador?

It hasn’t been as cold as this at the Castle since yestermorn, his Maj still refuses to go out and le lurgy France’ has progressed to the point where I can’t feel my dangly bits and I am farting garlic gas.

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has done yet another U-Turn, this time over the plan for the need to have an MOT test every two years instead of annually.

Transport Secretary Justine Greening said she had decided to stick with the present system, which had been under threat in a review of red tape.

Instead she set out a series of measures designed to improve the service offered by garages after official figures showed more than a quarter of tested cars had defects missed or wrongly assessed.

That’s the problem when you put a Lady in charge of transport-she has the map upside down.....

And staying on transport-sort of

McLaren have unveiled the new MP4-27 for this year’s F-0.5 season, shame we license payers will only see half of the races in full.

And apparently:

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is on target with its cost-cutting, Analysis by the National Audit Office found departments spent £7.9bn less in 2010-11, as capital, administrative and programme budgets were all reduced.

Departments "successfully managed" within the new limits, it said. But it warned most had "no detailed plan" on how to meet tougher targets by 2015.

Ministers said plans were "on track".

Oh joy; and I expect that those who have seen their standard of living plummet to poverty levels, have waited months for a hospital appointment and have to choose between “heat and eat” will be bleedin ecstatic...

Over the big salty thing on the left

Just 350 yards from the Bronx there lays an abandoned leper colony, North Brother Island was first employed as a quarantine centre in 1885.

It was soon a home to six lepers. Its most notorious resident was 'Typhoid Mary' - the first healthy carrier of any disease ever to be identified - who spent years confined in its bleak woods.

Closed in 1963, it is now a haunting labyrinth of crumbling ruins, protected birds are its only inhabitants and the waters around the island are patrolled by armed coastguards who ensure the sanctity of the former quarantine zone is never violated

Reminds me of Grimly Dark ‘Orspital...

Dahn a bit plus a bit more

Police in the southern Chilean city of Cochrane arrested a man who attempted to steal over five tons of ice from the Jorge Montt Glacier, 1,700 kilometres south of the capital Santiago, El Mercurio daily reported on Wednesday.

A truck loaded with five tons of ice was stopped near Cochrane, the city’s prosecutor Jose Moris told the El Mercurio

Police think the ice was to be sold to Santiago bars for mixing cocktails, the paper said, adding that the driver would face charges of theft and damage to the nation's cultural heritage.

Ice theft is considered a major crime in Chile, according to the daily, as the Jorge Montt is one of the most rapidly receding glaciers. It is a part of the 13,000-square-kilometer Southern Ice Field, the world’s third biggest frozen landmass, shared by Chile and Argentina.

The seized ice, valued at an estimated $6,000, will be used for irrigating drought-hit local crops in Cochrane, El Mercurio reported.

Don’t they have fridges in Chile then....

Across the peaceful sea

In the Quezon province of the Philippines, Villa Escudero is a nice hacienda-style resort with cosy rooms and an exotic atmosphere. But the best bit is the waterfall restaurant that allows tourists to enjoy a nice meal right at the foot of a small waterfall.

People are encouraged to take off their shoes and get as close to the falls as possible. Set right at the foot of Labasin Falls, this special place invites customers to taste popular Filipino dishes, while fresh spring water from the falls flows under and over their feet.

Lovely; apart from the yellow streams running over your plates….

And finally:

Back across to the lower Americas

An international magazine is looking for volunteers to spend a month in Cuenca, Ecuador to test its potential as a retirement destination.

"We're not giving away a free vacation," said Jennifer Stevens, the executive editor of International Living magazine, which launched the competition.

The winner of the competition, who will be announced on May 30th, will receive round-trip air fare for two, a furnished apartment and $1,500 in living expenses, according to an ad posted on InternationalLiving.com.

The magazine said the competition gives it the opportunity to show readers the benefits of retiring abroad.

Applicants must be near retirement age and be willing to relax, explore shop, try local restaurants, maybe take a Spanish class, and report on their experience during an all-expense paid month in the Latin American country.

The only snag is that you must live in the United States or Canada.

Oh well nobody’s perfect.....

That’s it: I’m orf to crate up the Elephants

And today’s thought:

Angus

Non à referendum: Rubbish “art”: Flesh eating bananas: Dead end motor: Marshmallow moron: and how to solve the Euro crisis.

Bloody cold and damp at the Castle this morn, and apparently the Met Office has decided that “winter” is on the way, as we are in December I am not surprised.

My first day as a benefit scrounger was “interesting”, I spent a while filling out forms and talking to an “advisor” who seemed to be about 12 years old and was more interested in how much his pension would be in fifty years time than my lack of employment.

Then I wasted a bit more of my free time checking out the “jobs” on the government computers, it seems that if I want to be a carer, cleaner or a call centre chappie at minimum wage then all is well.

Or not.....

Up in the Smoke to the house with no front door lock

It seems that U-Turn Cam is physic, even before the changes are made to the Euro treaty we have been told by the Prime Monster's spokesperson that a "significant transfer of power from the UK to the EU" was not being discussed in this week's talks on how to resolve the eurozone crisis, so a referendum was not required.

Allegedly Downing Street made clear that the adjustments currently being discussed did not constitute a major shift.

"That's not what's set out in the Act," U-Turn’s spokesperson added.

"The position is set out very clearly. What the Act says is where there is a transfer of powers from London to Brussels, that should trigger a referendum... we have a coalition government and we have a government policy."

Har bloody har...

Up North a bit

Martin Boyce, the artist who transforms gallery spaces into modernist urban landscapes, has won the 2011 Turner Prize.

The ceremony was held at the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art in Gateshead, where photographer Mario Testino presented the award.

Boyce's installation on display there for the Turner Prize exhibition, Do Words Have Voices, recreates an autumnal park scene with geometric leaves suspended from the ceiling and a stylised rubbish bin in the corner. His attention to detail was so great that he even redesigned the room's ventilation grills to complement his installation.

The judges praised Boyce's "pioneering contribution to the current interest which contemporary artists have in historic modernism". They said his work "uses his knowledge of historic design to create distinctive sculptural installations while opening up a new sense of poetry".

My brain hurts.....

Over to the lack of light continent

Rumours of flesh-eating bananas in Mozambique have sparked a plummet in the sale of the fruit, prompting the health minister Friday to reassure people of its safety.

"From the work conducted by the Ministries of Agriculture, Health and Trade and Industry, it was concluded that there is no record of entry of any infected banana in the country," according to a joint statement.

An email and text message hoax warning people against eating bananas for the next three weeks went viral as people feared being infected by necrotising fasciitis, or skin-eating disease.

In a separate statement South Africa's agriculture ministry denounced the messages as a hoax. It strongly advised against burning the skin around the supposed infection, as suggested in the message.

No worries-can’t afford bananas.

Left to the land of gas guzzlers and the home of the used car salesman

In a lawsuit filed in Oakland County Circuit Court, Margarita Salais of New Baltimore alleges the second hand car dealership's staff sold her a 2006 Ford Expedition last March without telling her it once held a dead body, The Detroit News reported Monday.

"They bought the car while it was still cold out in March," her attorney, Dani Liblang, told the News. "The warmer it got, the worse the smell got."

Salais said when she brought the car back to the dealership someone told her the smell came from a dead animal. She said she filed a claim with her insurance company, whose investigators determined odour was of human origin.

The insurance company later learned the car had been stolen three times, something Salais said the dealer also failed to tell her.

Her efforts to return the car were fruitless and she now seeks $25,000 plus court fees.

Probably be OK after a valet....

Still in the non colonies

A central New York man faces prison time after admitting he threw flaming marshmallows at his neighbour’s house.

The Auburn Citizen reports that 18-year-old John Munger pleaded guilty Thursday in Cayuga County Court to third-degree felony arson.

He admitted tossing the blazing balls of sugar at a gas meter on the side of his neighbour’s house. Although the meter wasn't seriously damaged, Munger admitted that it could have been.

He noted that he was drunk at the time.

No shit...

And finally:

East to the place where one for all and all for one no longer applies

The European Central Bank has launched an iPad and iPhone game that allows the public to see how they would cope with an economic crisis.

The Bank, now battling to save the euro, has produced a computer game in which players set interest rates to keep inflation low and growth steady.

Economia, where the first E is the euro symbol, is promoted with the line: "Will you be a hawk or a dove? Have you got what it takes to be among central banking's best?"

It is unclear how much the game cost to develop, reports the Daily Telegraph.

But sales of the game will not raise the billions needed to bail out bankrupt states - it is being given away free.

That gives me confidence....

That’s it: I’m orf to check out a couple of “supermassive” black holes and I’m not talking about the economy and the place where the deputy prime monster’s nose resides.

And today’s thought:

Angus

My Old Dutch: No chance Nick: 10 days to Armageddon: Scotch bonnet: Mucky truck: Clarkson should be hung, drawn and quartered: and the dog and duck.

Wettish, calmish and coolish at the Castle this morn, the study is still devoid of devastated do dahs, his Maj is still bringing me worms and the elbow has finally stopped hurting. 

It being the 1^st of December and our 40^th wedding anniversary I wasn’t going to post today but life goes on and below is a tribute to my lovely “M”.

Sorry about the sound quality.

It seems that optimist and brown nose Nick Clegg

Is in a bit of a quandary after endorsing another two years of public spending cuts following the next general election.

Muppet Danny Alexander, the Liberal Democrat Chief Treasury Secretary, could not say where cuts required after 2015 would fall. "In good time, well before the election, we will set out where those savings will be made," he said. Asked if the Liberal Democrats would go into the next election promising nearly £30bn more austerity, he replied: "I'm afraid so."

 The Lib Dems have about as much chance of winning the next election as..........the Tories.

Allegedly over in the Eurozone

Banks have been told to brace themselves for financial Armageddon after being told there were just ten days left to save the euro.

They were advised to make contingency plans for the inevitable collapse of the single currency unless European leaders can come up with a last-minute rescue package.

Can’t wait....

Back in British Blighty and up a bit

Scotch Bonnet Cheddar - the hottest cheese ever to be sold in the UK - is about to land on supermarket shelves across the country.

It has been made using the fearsome Scotch Bonnet chilli pepper, which is known to pack a flaming punch.

The Scotch Bonnet emits a heat intensity that blows away the more commonly used Jalapeno. The intensity of a chilli is measured in Scoville units and the Scotch Bonnet has a rating of 100,000-350,000, while the Jalapeno only has a 2500-8000 score.

The cheese has been developed for Tesco and will be available in over 700 stores, priced at £2 for a 250g pack.

Tesco cheese buyer Ashleigh MacFarlane said: 'Britain has a huge growing chilli culture which is increasingly creeping into all kinds of everyday foods from chocolate, jams, crisps, nuts and now cheese.

Save having to buy mouse traps-just put the cheese down and you end up with a ready cooked snack....

Right oodles of lengths

To the land of bamboo and noodles a trucker tried to shoot the lights at a junction in Shenzhen, Guangdong province, southern China managed to tip his motor over and dumped more than a smidge of dirt on a taxi.

Cabbie Lui Ming, 45, suddenly found himself in more than half a tonne of soil when the lorry driver had to brake suddenly and ended up overturning his truck.

"I was waiting at a traffic light and the squeals of his brake behind me - and then it went complete dark," he explained.

Passersby helped dig him out but the crushed car was a write off, say police.

Dirty trick....

And not surprisingly

The BBC has been forced to apologise after Jeremy Clarkson said he would like to see striking public sector workers "shot" in front of their families.

The Top Gear presenter made his comments on BBC's The One Show on the evening of Britain's biggest public sector strikes in 30 years.

He said of the strikers: "I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

"I mean, how dare they go on strike when they've got these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed while the rest of us have to work for a living."

Work for a living? Travelling the world at our expense driving Asbo Martins, Lambos, Bugatti Veyrons, Koenigseggs and Ferraris is “work” is it?

Fuck orf Clarkson.

And finally:

Left to the land of the gun and the home of the Numpty

An American man was rushed to hospital after being shot in the buttocks by his dog during an ill-fated duck hunting accident in Utah.

The 46 year-old, who has not been named, was hit just a few feet away from his "excited" pet canine, which had stepped on a shotgun in his boat.

He escaped serious injury – only receiving an injury to his buttocks and, almost certainly to his pride. Police confirmed the incident was not a hoax.

Officers said the man, and an unidentified friend had been duck hunting on the Great Salt Lake, in the country's west, at the weekend.

The hunter, from Brigham City, about 60 miles north of the state capital Salt Lake City, was shot as he climbed out of the boat to move decoys in the shallow marsh area.

Kevin Potter, the Box Elder County Sheriff’s deputy chief, said the man left his 12-gauge shotgun in the boat before the dog stepped on it, causing it to discharge.

The right to bare arse?
 

That’s it: I’m orf to apply for a job

And today’s thought:

Angus

Not even a plan A (part quatre): EU MOT: Real deal meal: Bouncing basketball: Applied sexuality: and Cor-sa all at sea.

Cold, clear, windy and wettish at the Castle this morn, the study is still lacking in the malfunctioning machines dept, his Maj is still bringing me worms and my lovely young lady has been and trimmed the head hirsuteness.

Plan A is an ex parrot

After wasting an hour or so of my life watching son of a B.....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I need a torch to find my rear exit) Osborne rambling on about resurfacing the A 12, polishing railway tracks and taking away tax credits to pay for the 5.2% increase in “benefits” I have come to the conclusion that our dearly beloved unelected Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is about as much use as all the other self serving gutless “political” vermin that is infesting the palace of Westminster in the guise of MPs.

Basically we are fucked; “they” are going to do bugger all to make our lives better-unemployment up, the deficit up, food up, “energy” costs up, go juice up (despite the delay in tax), fares up (despite the pitiful cut in over inflation rises), water up; pensions down, wages down and our standard of living down.

If anyone is thinking of doing an e-petition calling for a vote of no confidence in “them” send me a link and I will gladly sign it.

And just to add to our joy

A raft of changes will be implemented in January represent the biggest overhaul of the MoT test since car emissions were included in the early 1990s.

Initially a motorist whose car fails to meet the new standards will be given a period of grace to make the necessary repairs.

But by the end of the year the necessary repair will have to be done straight away for an MoT certificate to be issued.

The overhaul, which was announced by the Vehicle and Operator Services Agency, comes as the Government considers delaying the first MoT test until a car is four years old and extending the interval between inspections from one year to two.

However the tougher rules are being brought in to comply with EU requirements aimed at ensuring that the testing regime covers the latest innovations.

 And that applies to my 13 year old Honda how....

Over in the land of the fish and the home of caviar

Restaurants around the world will soon use new DNA technology to assure patrons they are being served the genuine fish fillet or caviar they ordered, rather than inferior substitutes, an expert in genetic identification says.

In October, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved so-called DNA bar coding – a standardised fingerprint that can identify a species like a supermarket scanner reads a bar code – to prevent the mislabelling of both locally produced and imported seafood in the United States.

Other national regulators around the world are also considering adopting DNA bar coding as a fast, reliable and cost-effective tool for identifying organic matter.

Yeah right-that’s going to work...

Still in the place where lingerie football abounds

Becauseof the NBA lockout a group of nightclub owners appear to have taken things into their own hands.

This morning it was revealed they want to form a basketball league of topless dancers to attract attention to the sport while the NBA saga drags on after nearly five months of crisis.

Rick's Cabaret group's league, consisting of dancers from their 23 clubs, has reportedly said a former NBA star will be announced next week as coach of the New York team, which will unveil its uniforms - we're suspecting some of the most minute ever seen on a court -next week as well.

Gianna no last name, a player for the New York team has reportedly said.

"The girls are really excited. We're practically busting out of our tops.

They won’t be the only ones who are excited...

East a lot to the country that didn’t invade Poland

At the £1,400-a-term International Sex School in Vienna, Austria, corporal punishment is part of the curriculum, not a punishment.

Swedish-born headmistress Ylva-Maria Thompson says anyone over the age of 16 can enrol as a pupil to learn at what she calls "the world's first college of applied sexuality".

Students live in a mixed sex dormitory block where they're expected to practise their homework.

Added the school head: "Our core education is not theoretical, but very practical. The emphasis is on how to be a better lover.

"Sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features. And we teach people hands on."

Raunchy adverts showing a couple making love have already been banned by straight-laced Austrian TV.

"This is wrapped up in a very stylish way but it is just selling sex," said one protester.

Thank him/her upstairs I’m too old for school. My old heart couldn’t stand the strain.

And finally:

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Authorities in the Swansea region are asking ships to keep an eye out for a Vauxhall Corsa after it was submerged after being parked on a slipway near Swansea yesterday afternoon.

Despite the best efforts of coastguards, the search for the silver hatchback proved elusive, with it slipping under their radar.

Luckily, the two passengers managed to get out of the rental car before it slipped underwater - although they probably won't be getting their deposit back.

The couple had been parked at near Knab Rock in Mumbles, Swansea, when the tide turned and a local recovery service was said to have been unable to recover the vehicle.

A spokesman for the Swansea Coastguard said: 'We broadcast navigation warnings every four hours, and in that broadcast today we have asked vessels to look out for silver Vauxhall Corsa.

'It is possible it could be anywhere in the Bristol Channel.'

The good news is that the Corsa has landed on Mumbles beach.

That’s it: I’m orf to become a scientist.

And today’s thought:

Angus