Showing posts with label footballers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label footballers. Show all posts

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Sausage snaffler; All Alorne; Persistent burglar; Dead ringer; and Fat footballers free burgers

BF4, weather still bloody cold, cat screaming at the moon, my head aches and its bonfire night.

According to the BEEB hospital workers do not communicate with patients, no surprise there then and Ofcom have decided to change the rules regarding “silent calls” to ‘help’ businesses, lovely. And Bodycare has banned workers from wearing poppies; arseholes.

First up:

As its Bonfire night I thought bangers should be mentioned.

From the land of sun and Barbies.

A man has been arrested after being spotted stuffing sausages in his shorts in a supermarket aisle.

The 38-year-old man was found in a local supermarket in Cairns, Australia. He had successfully stuffed his shorts with sausages and his pockets with other items and was trying to walk out the door unnoticed.

Unfortunately the supermarket workers noted that something was up and called the police on him.

He was arrested after his trousers were searched and the sausages were confiscated. Managers at the supermarket were keen to communicate to the public that the items had not been returned for sale.

The man appears to have been fairly unlucky as staff at the store are notoriously non-security conscious. In July shoplifters casually pushed trolley-loads of supplies out the door for two days in a row and weren't stopped.

Nobody ever offers to search my trousers in Tesco.

From North of Hadrian’s Wall:

The country's meat industry wants the square sausage to be added to the list of foods with a Protected Geographical Indicator (PGI).

The move would mean it could only be branded 'Made in Scotland' if manufactured to a set recipe.

Parma ham, Arbroath Smokies and Melton Mowbray pies are all products which are currently protected under the PGI.

Douglas Scott, chief executive of Scotland's Craft Butchers, said: "The Lorne Sausage is as Scottish a product as you get and it would seem a threat in this global era if we weren't to apply for a PGI.

"Lorne is an important part of every Scottish butcher’s sausage trade with customers sometimes travelling many miles to source their favourite.

"We will work on the application and hope to get the backing of Quality Meat Scotland and the Scottish Government in taking the square slice to Brussels.”

The origins of the Lorne Sausage are unclear; however it's believed that it was named after Glasgow comedian Tommy Lorne.

The theatre performer, who died in 1935, was famous for his catchphrase "sausages are the boys".

Others claim it takes its name from the area of the Firth of Lorne on the west coast

Square sausage, now that you could hide in your trousers.
AN 87-YEAR-OLD disabled grandfather today told how he has been burgled around a dozen times in the last three years by the same thief.

Renowned zoologist Murdoch Mitchison, who lives near Ormiston in East Lothian, said he has been targeted up to 12 times since 2006 and police believe the same burglar could be behind all the raids.

The widower said a total of £1,000, several bottles of whisky, a mobile phone, electric screwdrivers and two computers have been stolen over the years.

The most recent theft took place on Sunday, when Mr Mitchison's computer was stolen from his bungalow, where he lives alone. The pensioner's keyboard and monitor were left behind.

Mr Mitchison, a father-of-four, said: "My cleaning lady told me that the computer was missing at about nine o'clock on Sunday morning, and I thought 'not again'. I don't know how the thief gets in.

The grandfather-of-14, whose father Dick was a former Labour MP and peer and mother Naomi a renowned writer, said: "I have never caught the thief before.

"My doors are always locked now, and we have changed the locks on a couple of occasions."
A police spokesman said: "We are aware of several house- breakings that have occurred at Mr Mitchison's property over the last few years, and on each occasion a thorough and detailed investigation has been carried out.

"During this time our officers have also been in regular contact with Mr Mitchison and his family, and the appropriate security advice has been offered as to how the property can be protected.

"We are appealing for anyone who can assist our inquires to come forward

Check the attic.

From the southern part of over the pond:

A Brazilian bricklayer reportedly killed in a car crash shocked his mourning family by showing up alive at his funeral.

Relatives of Ademir Jorge Goncalves, 59, had identified him as the victim of a Sunday night car crash in Parana state in southern Brazil, police said.

As is customary in Brazil, the funeral was held the following day, which happened to be the holiday of Finados, when Brazilians visit cemeteries to honour the dead.

What family members didn’t know was that Goncalves had spent the night at a truck stop talking with friends over drinks of a sugarcane liquor known as cachaca, his niece Rosa Sampaio told the O Globo newspaper. He did not get word about his own funeral until it was already happening Monday morning.

A police spokesman in the town of Santo Antonio da Platina said Goncalves rushed to the funeral to let family members know he was not dead.

“The corpse was badly disfigured, but dressed in similar clothing,” said the police spokesman, who talked on condition of anonymity as he wasn’t authorized to discuss the case. “People are afraid to look for very long when they identify bodies, and I think that is what happened in this case.”

Sampaio told O Globo that some family members were not sure the body was Goncalves.

“My two uncles and I had doubts about the identification,” she told O Globo. “But an aunt and four of his friends identified the body, so what were we to do? We went ahead with the funeral.”

The police spokesman confirmed there were doubts: “His mom looked at the body in the casket and thought something was strange. She looked and looked and couldn’t believe it was her son,” Sampaio said. “Before long, the walking dead appeared at the funeral. It was a relief.”
The body was correctly identified later Monday, the police spokesman said, and has already been buried in another state. He declined to release the actual victim’s name.

All’s well.............

And finally:

From East a lot:

Thailand's top soccer players will feast on free burgers as part of a three-year sponsorship deal with American fast food giant McDonald's worth almost $900,000, the country's soccer president said Wednesday.

McDonald's will provide 25 million baht (452,000 pound) for the Football Association of Thailand (FAT) and will offer five million baht in products in exchange for shirt sponsorship for the next three years, starting this month.

"This will be a great help towards our efforts to reach the 2014 World Cup finals," FAT president Worawi Makudi told Reuters.

"This funding will help develop our game, especially youth football, and all the players, junior and senior, will get to enjoy the food too," he added.

Thailand's national team, which is currently 110th in the FIFA rankings, signed a five-year kit sponsorship deal with U.S. sports giant Nike in 2007 for an undisclosed figure.

The team has never qualified for the World Cup finals and is now being coached by former England and Manchester United captain Bryan Robson.

Who has always been known for his svelte figure.




Angus Dei politico

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Hiding Sex, Dog gone, Union heels, F*****g W*****s and Hide and seek.

Tipping down again here in ‘Ampshire, started AT 05.10 this morning, but seems to have stopped now- 08.00, personally I think it is just lulling me into a false sense of security, but the good news is that it’s warm.

First up:

Ornithologists in Lincolnshire are apparently being asked to report visitors getting down and dirty in their hides.

Lincolnshire Wildlife Trust asked visitors to remember that there are rules to be observed while bird watching, and that noise can disturb the animals, and that the hides are for "quiet enjoyment only".

The misuse of the structures, which remain unlocked all night, came to light after a bird spotter heard loud sexual sounds coming from a nearby hide in the south of the county.

Lincoln Police said they were not aware of an increase of reports regarding public sex acts.

Lincolnshire Wildlife Trust spokesman Rachel Shaw said: "Someone complained that they thought they had heard someone having sex in the bird hides in south Lincolnshire.

"There's certain things that happen at nature reserves that really shouldn't.

"It's not a huge, huge problem, I hope this is just a one-off incident.

"On top of that, we've had people cycling, horse riding, and even setting the grass on fire.

"People need to remember that when they visit nature reserves, there are regulations in place to protect the habitat and environment."

So remember if you want to have it in a hide, do it quietly.

Dog's dinner

Raymond Smith, who has had a brass model of his dead pet dog on his car bonnet for 50 years has had to get rid of it due to health and safety fears. Since 1960 Mr Smith, from Gillingham, Dorset, has mounted the small model of his boxer dog Colonel on the front of every car he has owned.

The 86 year-old has driven all over Britain and Europe but has now been forced to remove the two-inch chrome-plated dog from his Fiat Panda after the police told him it was a danger to pedestrians and was illegal.

He was told he faced a £50 fine and five penalty points if he ignored them.

Mr Smith, a retired mechanic and test driver for Fiat, had the model dog made in honour of Colonel which he and his wife Faye had as a pet in the 1950s.

The object is attached firmly to the bonnet, he said, and is similar to the Rolls-Royce figurine.

Mr Smith fixed the item onto about 50 cars he has owned over the years, including Sunbeam Rapiers, Ford Cortinas, a Lotus and a Jaguar.

PC Terry Swain, of Dorchester traffic police, said: "Objects on the bonnets of Mercedes and Rolls-Royces are designed to bend or come off in crashes.

"Fixed, solid objects on bonnets are a safety issue because they can cause increased injury to pedestrians if they were in a collision and rolled over the bonnet."

Mr Smith, who has been driving since 1938, has now positioned Colonel on the parcel shelf on the back of his car.

So it is safer to be hit by a Rolls Royce, than a Fiat Panda with a small brass dog at the back of the bonnet, the mind boggles.

Stiletto heels could be banned from the workplace because of health and safety reasons, according to union bosses.

The Trade Union Congress, predominantly male, has proposed a motion arguing that high heels are demeaning to women while they also contribute to long term injuries.

They propose instead that women wear "sensible shoes" with an inch heel limit in an attempt to avoid future foot and back pain as well as injuries. The motion is due to be debated at next month's conference.

The motion, tabled by the Society of Chiropodists and Podiatrists, states: "Congress believes high heels may look glamorous on the Hollywood catwalks but are completely inappropriate for the day-today working environment.

"Feet bear the brunt of daily life, and for many workers prolonged standing, badly fitted footwear, and in particular high heels can be a hazard. Around two million days a year are lost through sickness as a result of lower limb disorders.

"Wearing high heels can cause long-term foot problems, such as blisters, corns and calluses, and also serious foot, knee and back pain and damaged joints.

"Many employers in the retail sector force women workers to wear high heels as part of their dress code.

"More must be done to raise awareness of this problem so that women workers and their feet are protected."

Have I gone through a time warp back to the 1950’s, what next, no trousers, no makeup, no jewelry, or no sense?

(the picture is us old farts daily dose of totty)

Fed-up residents of the Austrian town of F**king are being offered a helping hand by their German neighbours in a town named W**k. The people of F**king have grown tired of English-speaking tourists acting out their village's name (and also, no doubt, of amused British journalists writing stories about it.)

But now residents of the German town of W**k have told them grasp the opportunity.

Juergen Stoll, who runs the W**k guest house, said: 'The people in F**king should cash in on their fame.

'I have so many visitors here at the W**k guest house that we have the mattresses all in a line in one big room for people to sleep on. Otherwise we couldn't fit everybody in.

In summer visitors can take hikes up the 1,780 metre W**k Mountain, or, if they prefer, take it easy in the four seater W**k cable car that goes all the way to the peak.

There are numerous opportunities to enjoy paragliding at W**k, and in winter it's possible to go skiing on the W**k piste.

Local tourism chiefs say they realised that although the name meant nothing in German, it was a goldmine when it came to attracting English-speaking visitors.

A W**k tourism spokesman said: 'There are W**k postcards on sale although many people prefer to take their own W**k holiday snaps standing beside Welcome to W**k signs.'

F**king recently announced plans to install CCTV to deter tourists from lewd behaviour beside their roadsigns. The mayor of F***ing, Franz Meindl, previously complained: 'We don't find it funny. We just want to be left alone. We don't harm anyone and just want to live in peace.'

Sorry, I’ve got to stop there I think I have wet myself laughing.
And finally:

From North of the border.

OUSTED Livingston chairman Angelo Massone has reportedly dumped the cash-strapped club's £20,000 Jaguar – and won't tell officials where it is.

The Italian lawyer had been driving the leased X-Type since taking over at Almondvale last year.

But he has failed to return calls from the club's staff since he left the country at the weekend after he was forced to sell his stake in the First Division club.

Officials, who are desperate to recover the vehicle, are now said to have reported it stolen to the police.

Sources at the club said the car was thought to be somewhere in Edinburgh "probably outside a nightclub or casino".

In June, the 38-year-old Italian was reported to have collected 32 parking tickets at a cost of £2,500 to the club.

He returned to his homeland at the weekend after accepting £50,000 for his 75 per cent share in the club.

Don’t know what all the fuss is about, it’s only a Jag, now if it were a lambo, or a Ferrari.........


Angus Dei politico