Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Saturday, 24 December 2016

And so-is this Christmas? Manopause part 2: Brexit-again: Russian river rat burgers: Knob of a robber: Frozen pussy and Spot the sheep.

Just a glimpse of dawns crack, total absence of atmospheric movement, quite a lot of lack of warm and molecules of skywater at the castle this Crimbo eve morn.

Went to Tesco yestermorn on the stale bread, gruel and His Maj’s food run, as it is apparently yet another Crimbo I thought I would get dahn there early-6.30 of the AM, what a bloody mistake that was, the place was heaving, had to park the Peugeot miles from the entrance there were hardly any trolleys left and it was even worse inside.

What is it that prompts “us” to totally lose control of our minds at this time of the year? There were umpteen pairs of “shoppers” staggering around with a trolley each piled to the gunnels with stuff that will not be consumed, screaming snot nosed brats demanding this, that and anything within reach of their podgy little arms, and the checkouts- all ten out of thirty were backed up to the dairy section with the flash of credit cards blinding those in the queues..

Could “we” not be a little more sensible?

The Manopause is still in motion, had two “treatments” so far, the first was a massive jab in the right buttock which managed to sting for two weeks and wore orf after a week, the second was half a massive jab in each arse cheek (because apparently the dose is too high for one jab)  four weeks later which hasn’t even kicked in yet but has managed to raise my blood sugar levels to stratospheric numerals.

The next treatment is on the 16th January, really looking forward to that.....

Meanwhile the new Prime Monster Terry leather legs Maybe has issued her first Crimbo speech, and has urged Britain to "unite and move forward" after the Brexit vote.

Methinks Maybe is holding orf until the EU Elections are sorted because it “maybe” that many more countries are just as pissed orf at the EU as we are.

Time will tell......

I know that times are hard in Russia but Moscow's latest food craze appears to have scurried straight from the river bed onto diners' plates. It's a burger made of rodent meat.

A chef at a Russian bistro said the burger is simple, tasty and full of nutrients.

It is made from the meat of a "nutria", or river rat.

Burgers made from its meat look like most hamburgers.

They have become the latest must-have dish in the Russian capital.

The chef said the rodent's meat has nutritional benefits that have recently been discovered.

He insists the river rodent is not actually a rat.

The U.S. Agriculture Department describes the nutria as a two-foot long, invasive rodent.

The nutria burger sells at the Moscow restaurant for the equivalent of about $8.50 in U.S. dollars.

Rather them than me......

An armed robber walked into the Lotions & Lace store in San Bernadino with a covered face and what appeared to be a gun, shortly before closing time on Wednesday.

Store manager Amy said she wasn’t scared, and was convinced the gun was a fake – and she was having none of it.

CCTV captured the moment the armed robber was hit with a hail of dildos:

‘I just thought he was trying to be funny, to scare us,’ Amy told ABC.

‘But then I saw the gun and it was like, really? I don’t have time for this.’

She and another equally feisty employee began yelling and pelting dildos at the man, who fled the store empty-handed in a state of shock.

What a dick....

A cat in Russia will be counting her lucky stars after being rescued from a freezing puddle.

The fluffy feline somehow managed to trap her paws in an icy puddle and panicked when she could not escape.

Luckily for her, a passing couple came to her aid – although her frozen fur suggests she had been stuck in the puddle for quite some time.

A bucket of warm water soon freed the shivering cat who remained calm throughout.
The lucky moggy was probably grateful she was rescued in time and didn’t have to give up one of her precious nine lives.

Why are cats so daft?

And finally:

As its Crimbo here is a festive puzzle.

The answer is in the link.

And today’s thought: Happy thingamy to all and sundryJ and a much better 2017....


Sunday, 18 September 2016

Another one more year: Don’t pick it in the Philippines: Make the bad man go away: Bloody big bull: Wanna buy a nuke power plant and Washington rubbish.

Not a glimpse of Dawns crack even less atmospheric movement, quite a lack of warm, nary a whimsy of solar stuff and bugger all skywater at the castle this morn.

Poor old Angus staggered into the 65th year of what’s left of his life yesterday to become an official old fart and looking forward to the “state” pension which apparently is enough to live on if you don’t want to eat, keep warm or travel about.

So after 48 years of paying 10% of my earnings it seems that I am “entitled” to 155 squids and a bit per week until I pop my clogs.

But who’s moaning.......

Apparently those in power have warned the Philippine police not to do anything that might create a negative impression among members of the public such as picking their noses, taking selfies, play online games, smoke or chew gum during their shifts.

The list also specifies that any bodily itches must remain unscratched, and officers should avoid "unseemly posture" such as standing on one leg,

Wonder if smashing up someone’s car with a baton is included.....

Nine-year-old Amariyanna ‘Mari’ Copeny has become an online sensation when her smile turned to a fearful expression upon meeting Donald Trump.

No surprise there then.....

A giant, 1-ton Holstein steer who loves to eat bread and romps like a puppy at a Northern California zoo is vying for the title of world’s tallest bovine.

His name is Danniel and he measures 6 feet, 4 inches from the hoof to the withers, a smidge taller than the current record-holder, the Eureka Times Standard reported Wednesday.

A veterinarian and his keepers at the Sequoia Park Zoo in the city of Eureka measured Danniel on Tuesday to confirm his height, but Guinness World Records has yet to verify it.

Rather them than me......

After spending more than 40 years and $5 billion on an unfinished nuclear power plant in north-eastern Alabama, the nation's largest federal utility is preparing to sell the property at a fraction of its cost.

The Tennessee Valley Authority has set a minimum bid of $36.4 million for its Bellefonte Nuclear Plant and the 1,600 surrounding acres of waterfront property on the Tennessee River. The buyer gets two unfinished nuclear reactors, transmission lines, office and warehouse buildings, eight miles of roads, a 1,000-space parking lot and more.

Initial bids are due Monday, and at least one company has publicly expressed interest in the site with plans to use it for alternative energy production. But TVA says it isn't particular about what the purchaser does — using the site for power production, industrial manufacturing, recreation or even residences would all be fine with the agency, said spokesman Scott Fiedler.

Cheap at half the price-are you listening Theresa Might?

And finally:

Harper Westover, age 2 received a “Notice of Violation” in the mail reporting she was being fined $75 for allegedly littering at the end of the alley by her home, on 9th Street NE.

Officials included evidence of a discarded envelope a city worker had found with a bag of trash in the alley. Exhibit A against Harpie the Violator was a photograph of that unopened envelope addressed to her from Bucky’s Buddies, a kids club for fans of the University of Wisconsin at Madison, the alma mater of her mother, Theresa.

Westover, an attorney for the National Labour Relations Board, called the solid waste inspector who issued the ticket and told the inspector, her daughter is 2. Could the Department of Public Works kindly rescind the fine?

“The inspector’s response was there was a piece of trash in the alley with Harper’s name on it. I said, ‘I understand that, but she’s only 2 years old. Are you willing to rescind the ticket?’ She said ‘No,’ ” Westover recalled. “They list Harper as a ‘violator.’ As a mom, it bothered me.”

Early Friday evening, a public works official swung by the Westover rowhouse and saw Harper and her mother in the alley, getting ready for an interview with a local news station. The official looked at Harper, jokingly calling her “the 2-year-old violator,” according to Theresa Westover. Then he said he would waive both Harper’s and her mother’s violations.

In a telephone interview with The Washington Post, Harper, fresh from an afternoon nap, insisted she was innocent.

But when pressed for more details about her whereabouts at the time of the alleged offense on Aug. 24 at 11:06 am, the wrongly accused litterbug laughed.

“Hide and seek,” was all she said.

Nice one.....

That’s it: I’m orf to count a few stars

And today’s thought:


Sunday, 28 August 2016

O MY plics: May’s new sideboard: Bagpipe lung: Norwegian Numpty: Not so Safeway: M6 McClelland: and Have you seen her Pussy?

Much lack of cold, many molecules of moisture, not a jot of skywater and nary a puff of atmospheric movement at the Castle this Sunday morn.

The “lawn” looks like a giant weetabix-again and stuff is growing faster than I can vandalise it.

Apparently there was quite a big “sport” thing going on in the south of the south of the Americas, it was allegedly on BBC 1, 2, and 4 which sadly was not the best of coverage, poor old Angus watched a bit of it which consisted of 5 minutes of “sport--golf is a past time not a sport” and twenty minutes of old has-beens spouting on and criticising. Not impressed by Auntie at all, but I did manage to catch half an hour or so in total of the “ladies” beach volleyball by channel switching.

Has purchased herself a new sideboard, which consists mostly of “people” I haven’t heard of-apart from Boris, which is no surprise because as soon as she took over the country she buggered orf on holiday leaving us to stew.

May still hasn’t got orf her arse to start sorting out the Brexit thingy and the nuclear balls up dahn in Somerset where apparently the French have said that the Chinese won’t be a security risk as the controls to the glowing generator will be “isolated” and not connected to the interweb do-dah.

Yeah right, just tell them to sod orf May and build some windmills instead.

Trumpeters, saxophonists and pipers could be in mortal danger- playing a wind instrument could damage your lungs, UK doctors warn in the journal Thorax.

They describe a rare but fatal case of what they are now calling "bagpipe lung" in a 61-year-old patient.

The deceased man is thought to have developed a bad reaction to mould and fungi lurking inside the moist interior of his bagpipes.

Doctors are urging other musicians to be extra hygienic.

They say instruments should be cleaned regularly to prevent the build-up of yeast and other harmful pathogens.

And any player who gets breathless and develops a cough should consider whether their symptoms might be caused by their music practice.

The lung damage the doctors describe happens when the body's immune system goes into overdrive.

The inhaled pathogens trigger inflammation and left unchecked, this causes progressive and irreversible scarring.

Andrew Bova works at the National Piping Centre in Glasgow and is an accomplished bagpiper.

He advised: "Certainly, when it comes to cleaning a woodwind instrument I would say give it a swab after every time you play.

"The moisture can sit in the nooks and crannies and you don't want that. Moisture can damage the wood so we swab to protect the instrument as much as anything."

He uses brushes to clean his and says he gives the blowpipe a thorough rinse out with hot water every six months to get rid of any problems.

"If you have a sheepskin bag, I was told that I should wash it out with hot water and bleach every year. That should get all the germs killed and prolong the life of your instrument.

Or they could just stop playing the bloody noisy things-any Scottish complaints should be sent to Nicola what’s her name Norf of the border, pissing with rain, postcode-who cares....

A man in Norway has had to be rescued after getting stuck inside a toilet.

Cato Berntsen Larsen had eagerly climbed feet-first into the public loo in Drammen, near Oslo, after volunteering to retrieve a friend’s phone.

However, the 20-year-old couldn’t get back out again.
The toilet tank isn’t connected to the sewer system, but is an old-fashioned outhouse-style loo that is only emptied once a season.

‘It was damn disgusting,’ he told Norwegian paper VG. ‘The worst I have experienced. There were animals down there too.’

And to make things even worse, Cato added to the pool of waste by vomiting almost immediately after getting into the tank.

He ended up having to spend around an hour standing thigh-deep in urine, faeces, and his own sick.

It all started when his friend dropped his phone down the toilet while urinating, and shouted for Cato’s help getting it back.

Cato, an amateur diver, said he ‘did not think twice’ about going in to get it.

Bet he does now....twat......isn’t Cato something to do with the Pink panther?

Employees of an Oregon grocery store are cleaning up after a police say a woman drove her SUV into the store and down the aisles.

Springfield police say a 43-year-old Glenwood woman tried to purchase $2,200 of gift cards and became upset when her cheque bounced and Safeway employees would not complete the transaction.

The Register-Guard reports that she angrily left the store Tuesday afternoon and returned just after midnight Wednesday morning. Police say she parked in front of the store and was yelling about wanting her gift cards.

Police say the woman then drove the SUV through the store entrance, up and down an aisle, and out the other side of the Safeway.

Police arrested her at her home.

Didn’t have a quarter for the trolley then........

A woman has admitted a "catastrophic driving error" which saw her drive the wrong way along the M6 in Cumbria in the dark.

Stunned oncoming drivers took desperate steps to avoid Samantha McClelland as she drove south near Kendal in October 2012, Carlisle Crown Court was told.

Several panicked 999 calls were made before the 43-year-old was found parked up on the hard shoulder.

She was given a suspended jail term and banned from driving for 18 months.

McClelland, of Londonderry, Northern Ireland, had earlier admitted a charge of dangerous driving.

The court heart that when she was spoken to by police she had "no idea where she was and seemed surprised to be told she was on a motorway".

Recorder Michael Murray handed her a one-month prison sentence, suspended for a year, and banned her from the road for 18 months.

That'll teach her....

Highway experts say a cat chase on a busy Houston-area toll way should serve as a warning about what not to do when animals get loose in traffic.

Tuesday's surveillance video from the Harris County Tollway Authority shows an unidentified woman trying to trap a cat on a road full of cars and trucks. She appears unaware of the danger around her and the darting cat.

A toll road crew eventually arrived and helped the woman capture the kitty after traffic was stopped or slowed for about 10 minutes.

Looking at her headlights I’m not surprised her pussy is on the freeway...

That’s it: I’m orf to chase some surface water

And today’s thought: "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
~ Charles Schulz ~


Saturday, 6 August 2016

Manopause: Dead Fleas anyone? SnapChat Twatt-ess: Parking Pratt and Elevating Public Transport.

Nary a whimsy of atmospheric movement, even less skywater, oodles of solar stuff and Dawns crack is the widest I have seen at the castle this morn.

The garden has been gardened, the “racing green” French motor is being very European and his Maj is in fine fettle.

Poor old Angus has been to see his general medic (again) and after much taking of blood and insertion of digits into orifices it has been confirmed that he has used up most of his manly ‘ormones and is suffering from the “Manopause” which may explain the last year or more, or it may be that ageing is responsible and the “manopause” is just bollocks or bollocks related.

If you are interested symptoms are:
  • decreased sex drive (libido)
  • erection problems, especially loss of morning erections
  • tiredness and a general loss of energy
  • depression and/or mood swings
  • weight gain, especially around the belly
  • poor concentration
  • short-term memory loss and 'brain fog'
  • irritability
  • increased sweating, including night sweats
  • hot flushes

Manopausal Angus has nine of the ten symptoms (you can guess which ones yourself) and is orf to see a bloke at Grimly Dark about his endocrinology.

More exciting news to come-or not....

An Innisfil man will make several thousand dollars this weekend selling dead fleas on eBay.

The 10-day auction ends at midnight on Saturday. Current bid: $4,000.

The items up for sale are known as “Pulgas Vestidas,” or “Dressed Fleas,” a lost Mexican folk art known to have been produced between 1880 and 1926.

About time he got some new ones then.....

A 22-year-old woman has shot and injured herself while posing with a gun while using the messaging app Snapchat.

The woman in Deltona, Florida, had been posing with her uncle’s .40-calibre pistol on Sunday evening when she accidentally pulled the trigger, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

The woman told officers she had been “foolishly playing” with the gun when she accidentally shot her mobile phone, causing it to shatter and suffering lacerations to her thumb and index fingers,

The shot was heard by the woman’s aunt, who rushed to the scene and drove her niece to the Florida Hospital Fish Memorial.

Officers said the aunt threw the gun from her car while driving her niece to the hospital. The weapon has not yet been retrieved by police.

The good news is-she shot her phone....

This image shows a black Range Rover sticking half out of the space as it blocks other frustrated drivers attempting to shop at the Galleria in Hatfield.

A bemused fellow shopper Hayley Langton posted the image on Facebook alongside the caption "best parking ever!"

Speaking to, she said: “I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. How could somebody leave their car like that?

Easy- selfish, arrogant and unBritish....

And finally:

A Transit Elevated Bus (TEB) hit the roads in Qinhaungdao earlier this week.
Once fully operational the vehicle is expected to hit speeds of up to 60km/h.
It will run on rails instead of the road itself but link together with up to another four TEBs, the equivalent of 40 conventional buses.

Engineer Bai Zhiming told CCTV: ‘The TEB has the same functions as the subway, while the cost of construction is less than one fifth of the subway.’

No shit Sherlock maybe that’s because it isn’t a subway....

And today’s thought:

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself." 

~ Ethel Barrymore ~ 

Manopausal Angus

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Article 50: Salad days in Toronto: A load of bull: Pokemon Pratt: Monkey see-monkey vote and even more Bull.

Much lack of warm, a whimsy of atmospheric movement, even less skywater and Dawns crack is quite wide at the Castle this morn.

The temperature has finally dropped below 30c (or 86 in C of  E) which means that poor old Angus can finally operate within “normal” parameters and his Maj can move about without collapsing in a panting heap.

Oh to be in Blighty now that summers has come-and gorn-probably

                                             The Brexit bollocks is still dragging its feet

But apparently if the new Prime Monster gets orf her arse we could get out much faster- 

Theoretically, there is nothing to stop a British Government unilaterally withdrawing from the EU by simply repealing the 1972 European Communities Act. Article 50 compels only the EU to seek a negotiation, not the withdrawing member state. 

So come on May get us out and “negotiate” later, after all Blighty managed to survive for many-many years before the EU and it will survive after.

Police have charged a 52-year-old Brampton, Ont., man with careless driving after a transport truck carrying large vats of salad dressing rolled over on a busy Toronto highway while making a turn.

The single-vehicle crash caused a flood of thick neon green and white sludge to spill over the road as the truck lay on its side.

Ontario Provincial Police Sgt. Kerry Schmidt says the incident took place at about 11 a.m. on Tuesday and left the driver of the vehicle with just a few cuts and scrapes.

He says the truck was "fully loaded" with bulk loads of salad dressing, mayonnaise and other food products.

Crews spent the whole afternoon at the scene of the crash (at the Don Valley Parkway northbound ramp to Highway 401 West) cleaning up the mess.

And having lunch-probably.

A Spanish bullfighter is seriously ill in hospital after being gored three times in a horrific onslaught which saw a bull’s horn pierce his lung.

The incident comes a fortnight after Victor Barrio was killed in the ring.
Pablo Belando, 26, was “very serious” after being gored in his chest, leg and buttocks in Madrid’s famous Las Ventas bullring.


JAKARTA, Indonesia -- Indonesian police say they detained a Frenchman who trespassed on a military base while playing the augmented reality game Pokemon Go.

A spokesman for West Java police said that Romain Pierre, 27, was caught at a checkpoint on Monday evening after initially running away when challenged by security guards at the military complex in Cirebon.

Pierre was released a few hours later because it became apparent "he unintentionally entered the complex as he was hunting Pokemon while jogging," the police spokesman, Col. Yusri Yunus, said Tuesday.

Le Pratt....

BANGKOK -- Election officials in northern Thailand think they can buy off a gang of monkey vandals with fresh fruit and vegetables, after about 100 macaques tore up voter lists publicly posted ahead of next month's referendum on a proposed constitution.

District official Surachai Maneeprakorn said a large population of the monkeys lives behind the Buddhist temple where the polling station they raided Sunday is set up in an open hall.

"For some reason they were being very naughty and started tearing up the lists," he said.

Local officials brought the animals food Monday, and hope that if that does not deter them, then newly installed sliding glass doors protecting the reposted lists might, said Phichit district election official Prayoon Jakkraphatcharakul.

I do love an optimist......

And finally:

Six foreigners, including three Americans, were among seven people gored in a second running of thebulls at Pamplona’s San Fermin festival, according to the Navarra regional government.

A 58-year-old Spaniard identified only by the initials FLR, a 73-year-old South African man 
identified as MHO, and a 48-year-old Canadian with the initials PCO were in serious condition, a statement said.

The regional government said one American, 55 and identified by the initials PGO, and another, aged 23 with the initials WRO, were gored but their injuries were reported to be less serious. A third American, a 46-year-old with the initials JGO, and a 26-year-old Indian, with the initials NSO, were also said to have sustained less serious injuries.

The regional government said nine others were taken to city hospitals for injuries from the run. Several of the six bulls used in the event became separated from the pack moments into the 8am run and began charging people in their way.

A mass of Twatts identified by the initials F------ I-----

And today’s thought:

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
~ Dennis Wholey ~ 


Saturday, 11 June 2016

Transformer Monkey: Wash this: What a Wanker and Free the Nipple.

Not a glimpse of Dawn’s crack, nary a whimsy of atmospheric movement, even less lack of warm and a promise of skywater at the castle this morn.


Poor old Angus is doing OK, the garden is up to scratch the French racing green motor passed the mot after having a new cat fitted (I did offer his Maj as a replacement but they declined), the cat cost £46 and they charged me £100 to fit it, and then £46 for the mot, and then £40 VAT for the privilege-life in Blighty....

Tomorrow is the annual old farts Canadian Grand Prix gathering at my rich git of a mate's place up in Chobham, where we will do the usual, a trip to the Thames, up and dahn a bit, lunch at the pub then back to his house to watch said race on his 60 inch 4k TV.

When we started this there were five or sometimes six of us, this year we are dahn to three-the others having popped orf this mortal coil will not be attending (maybe in spirit) so we are going to have a sweepstake to see who is left for next year.



Apparently a monkey caused a three-hour nationwide blackout, according to Kenyan officials.

The Kenya Electricity Generation Company said in a statement late Tuesday that a monkey climbed onto the roof of the Gitaru Power Station and fell onto a transformer, tripping it.

The company said this resulted in the loss of 180MW from the plant, triggering a national blackout. The statement did not say whether the monkey survived.

The blackout lasted more than three hours Tuesday before power was restored.

The company said that its facility is secured with an electric fence.

"We regret this isolated incident and the company is looking at ways of further enhancing security at all our power plants," the firm added.

Kenyan businesses regularly complain that power cuts — due to its aging grid — and unreliable supplies make them uncompetitive and hurt growth.


Shocking....... (What?)



Fire-fighters in southeast China's Fujian province responded to an unusual kind of emergency Sunday -- a man had gotten his head stuck inside a washing machine.

Luckily, he was pulled out by a team of fire-fighters after less than an hour, according to the official Weibo social media account of Fuzhou City's Fire Department.


The fire-fighters separated the drum from the washing machine to free the man.


This unidentified man accidentally got his head stuck inside the machine while trying to fix the drum, the Fire Department's statement said.





A Bronx hospital worker found dead by a colleague may have died of a heart attack while masturbating, police sources said Wednesday.

The 48-year-old man was found about 10 a.m. Tuesday in a remote area of North Central Bronx Hospital.

A source said no foul play was suspected and that it appeared the man had partly disrobed and was watching pornography on a computer when he died.


And I thought it made you blind.....


And finally:



Two hundred women and men gathered around Brighton Beach to highlight controversial social media policies about banning female nipples.

The afternoon march started from Brighton Pier, and then headed along the East Sussex city seafront before stopping on the beach – where everybody sunbathed topless.

One member who attended the event said: ‘It was lovely, I felt proud and fantastic.

The event was organized by comedian Samantha Pressdee, who came to Brighton with her one-woman comedy show about nudity and sexuality.

Samantha said: ‘I’ve been a member of the Free The Nipple campaign over the past year.

‘I joined the campaign to challenge the way women’s breasts were perceived.

‘Breasts have been sexualized and the point of this campaign is that they don’t have to sexual.’

Whatever; does anyone care apart from the campaigners?



And today’s thought: "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"
~ Lily Tomlin ~