Showing posts with label humour life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour life. Show all posts

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Sod orf Twenty Eleventy two

Oodles of skywater, even more lack of warm, more than enough atmospheric movement and not a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this last day of 2013.


Not been a good year for poor old Angus, bits have dropped orf, clogged up and gone tits up, Grimly Dark Orspital  got in touch yestermorn to tell me that I will have to go in to have the arteries reamed next Tuesday instead of Wednesday because "there is a big case coming in" which will apparently take all day in the short stay surgery thingy.

Makes you feel important and cared for-not.


But it has been an even worse year for some people-Michael Schumacher is apparently at death's door after falling orf a couple of flat sticks orf the piste.


The old fella dahn in Sarf Africa finally shuffled orf this mortal coil after a very bad year and to show their love and respect his body was dragged up and dahn the country to be put on show like an exhibit in a freak show for days on end by the "management".


Others who popped orf include-Peter O'Toole, Frank Thornton (who is now finally free), Lou Reed and of course Maggie (I fucked up the country more than anyone else) Thatcher, Mikhail (my product has killed many, many people) Kalashnikov, Ronnie (good riddance) Biggs, and loads of others who I can't be bovvered to mention.


But there is some "good" news:


Ex Nazi El Papa Benedict XVI took the easy way out and "retired" instead of  doing the right thing and expiring, and is now living in luxury in the Vatican probably surrounded by young boys and jack boots.


And despite the best efforts of Dickhead Dave and No Nuts Nick the economy has steadied, mainly due to the Private sector, which would have happened anyway regardless of the Piss Poor Millionaires Club Coalition attempts to equal Thatcher.

Who gives a shit......

Have apparently been paid oodles of loot to switch off their turbines while storms lashed the UK over the festive period and tens of thousands of homes were left without power, according to figures published today.

No change there then..... 

But enough of all this doom and gloom, let's look forward to 2014, may it be better in all ways than this one, may all your dreams be fulfilled, may your bank balance equal that of the members of the sideboard and may your standard of living rise beyond your wildest hopes.

 And if you believe that........


And today's thought: 


Yeah right.......
The next post will be an old Farts first hand view of the National Elf service...


Thursday, 12 May 2011

Trust me-I’m a Tory-U-Turn cam: Out of Afghanistan: Quaking Romans: Whale Vomit: Pastie petrol: Heavens Angel: and Up and Down in Sarf Africa.

Bit sunny, quite calm and a lot chilly at the Castle this morn, I have de-fluffed most of the computers in the kitchen, and spent a not very pleasant afternoon re-installing vista which I couldn’t restore on a laptop that had serious virus problems because there was no anti-virus installed.

Life is fun……

Late this morn Blogger has been down………I blame James; it was fine before he came back.

U-Turn Cam is the latest “person” to ignore poor Old Nick (kick me) Clegg by telling the country that “Only the Conservatives can be trusted with the NHS”, while Nicky was sitting to U-Turn Cam’s right-hand side.


David Cameron has triggered a row with military chiefs by insisting that hundreds of British troops must be withdrawn from Afghanistan within weeks.

But British commanders have warned David Cameron that an early exit could jeopardise the counter-insurgency mission, allowing the Taliban to regain territory and popular support.

As a compromise, defence chiefs have reluctantly drawn up plans to withdraw 450 of Britain's 10,000 troops from Afghanistan. Mr Cameron wants to agree their withdrawal with Barack Obama when he visits London later this month.

The British troops could leave Afghanistan as soon as July, when the American withdrawal begins.

How many feet can u-turn fit into his facial orifice?

Last week I mentioned that Rome was expecting an earthquake yesterday; apparently twenty [per cent] of Romans didn't go to work. On the other hand, hotels and agritourism facilities have had a boom in bookings," said Primo Mastrantoni, head of the Association for the Rights of Users and Consumers.

An institute set up to study the writings of Raffaele Bendandi has emphasised he never made a prediction of an earthquake in Rome on May 11, but that has done little to stop the rumour spreading by word of mouth.

Traffic was particularly light on the Italian capital's normally clogged streets and the usual crowds in the metro and outside schools were absent.

Shopkeepers in the Chinese-dominated Esquilino quarter took off, with nine out of 10 shops shuttered with signs saying "illness" or "re-stocking".

400 people joined a Facebook group whose members spent the night camped out in the wide open spaces of the Circus Maximus, an ancient Roman arena.

Others organised giant earthquake picnics in the city's many parks.

Been to Rome it didn’t shake my world…..mind you parts of it looked as if it had had a nine on the Richter scale.

A Maori tribe on New Zealand's North Island were celebrating an unexpected windfall after finding a large chunk of whale vomit while burying the corpse of a stranded sperm whale that had been mutilated by vandals.

The 40kg lump of ambergris has just been sold to a French company for an undisclosed sum after being discovered last year, The Dominion Post reported.

Dargaville broker Adrienne Beuse said tens of thousands could be paid per kilogram of ambergris, dependent on its quality. Some estimates of the value of the New Zealand find were as high as $400,000.

Sperm Whale vomit is more correctly known as ambergris, and is a rare and often valuable ingredient in fine perfumes.

Ah the old Chanel number chuck up.

Scientists plan to power cars using oil garnered from Cornish pasties, pies and other waste food, it has been announced.

Eco-friendly fuel firm Greenergy have revealed their intentions to make biodiesel using oil extracted from various forms of food waste.

As well as pasties, crisps and other notoriously oily products that would normally be send to landfill sites and disposed of will be taken to a processing plant in Immingham, Lincolnshire.

There, the cooking oil - which scientists say can make up around 30 per cent of some processed foods - will be extracted and re-filtered in order to be compatible with combustion engines.

The finished product will be made up using a fine blend of regular diesel fuel extracted from crude oil and the waste food oil.

Around £50million of investment is being channelled into the venture, Greenergy have said, and it will eventually lead to the new form of fuel being sold on petrol station forecourts.

Think I’d rather eat the pasties.

A vicar who calls himself "heaven's angel" has celebrated setting the inaugural world record for a motorcycle hearse when he clocked just over 114mph on an airfield runway.

The Rev Ray Biddiss, 57, had to reach a speed of more than 80mph at Elvington Airfield, near York, on Tuesday in his specially built "trike-hearse" to be recognised by Guinness World Records.

And the clergyman, from Halifax, West Yorkshire, managed to hit 114.1mph in The Rocket, which he says he uses for real funeral services.

The good news is that if you are in the back you won’t get the speeding ticket…..or will you?

And finally:

A British thrill-seeker set a world record with 105 bungee jumps in seven and a half hours – plus two more after lunch before the cold stopped him.

Scott Huntly, 49, made the repeated jumps at Bloukrans Bridge in South Africa, the highest commercially-run bungee spot on Earth at 708ft.

The expat dad of one, from Edinburgh, said: “I only stopped twice to go to the toilet; otherwise I was either jumping down or bouncing back up.”

Maybe they should change the sign to “Worlds highest Numptys”.

And today’s thought: Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that. 


Saturday, 5 March 2011

“Humanitarian” relief: Same old from the dark lord: Open prison: Never a truer word: High-def, low IQ: Never a truer word 2: Cow farts: and ladies sauntering.

Here we are again, back on Blogger, the Weebly site will remain for a few days and will then disappear into the great Blogosphere in the sky. I have downloaded it and will keep it for the lawyers.
Cold and dark at the Castle this Saturday morn, I am hoping to have a nice quiet relaxing weekend; well you have to look on the bright side.

Something I have missed over the last year or so is posting music videos, so to kick orf here are the Pythons: well Easter is coming up.

Sick and tired of Libya, but it seems that Piss Poor Policy Dave C is pressing ahead with his “invasion” plans, although it is disguised as “humanitarian relief”.

According to the Torygraph- Sources confirmed that The Black Watch, 3rd Battalion the Royal Regiment of Scotland, had been placed on heightened readiness, prepared to deploy to North Africa at 24 hours’ notice.
The 600-strong infantry unit returned from Afghanistan in late 2009 and is based at Fort George near Inverness. “They’re ready, just in case,” said a source.

The Ministry of Defence insisted that the battalion was prepared for humanitarian relief operations, not combat.

Yeah right, and we can always believe what PPP Dave says………can’t we?

Meanwhile another of the multi millionaires Coalition club is being unashamed

The new dark lord and reptilian alien in disguise George (I’m only in it for the money)
Osborne will be "unashamedly pro-growth" when he dumps on us from a great height in “his” budget later this month.
He will tell Conservatives in Cardiff it (the budget) will break down the barriers that stop Britain getting back on its feet.
Firms will be offered reduced business rates, simplified planning rules and less regulation at a total cost to the Treasury of £100m over the next four years.
The new dark lord will announce that 10 new enterprise zones will be set up in England in his Budget on 23 March.
Knob-head alien will tell party members that said new enterprise zones will be established in areas of England that have been hit hard by the economic downturn - mainly in parts of the Midlands and the North.
The coalition government's autumn Spending Review outlined plans to cut about £80bn by 2015.

Super: didn’t work under Thatcher or Major, maybe third time lucky? Or maybe not.

A New Zealand prison became the victim of a break-in.
Police said Saturday that thieves had broken into the prison at New Plymouth, on the west coast of the North Island, just before midnight and stolen a large plasma television.
"If any members of the public saw anyone carrying a big TV at that time of night, or heard or saw anything in the area of the prison, let police know," Sergeant Thomas McIntyre said.
The New Plymouth Prison is the oldest operating jail in New Zealand, having been in continuous use since the 1860s when it was converted from an army hospital.

Inside job? And yes that actually is the nick in the photo.

The spokesman for a U.S. burger joint that has the catchphrase "taste worth dying for" has died.
Blair River, the 29-year-old, 575-pound pitchman for Heart Attack Grill, died Tuesday, the restaurant's owner, Jon Basso, told QMI Agency.
Basso said River died from complications due to pneumonia.
"The Heart Attack Grill is continually accused of glorifying obesity. What we actually do is glorify the freedoms we have as Americans to lead our lives in any way we choose, even if that path is destructive," Basso said.
The menu also includes a butterfat shake, flatliner fries deep fried in pure lard, and candy cigarettes.
The waitresses dress as nurses and the restaurant promises if you weigh more than 350 lbs., you can eat for free.

No such thing as a free lunch.

Millions of Britons mistakenly think they are watching high definition television even though they aren't using the right equipment, a study has found.
Despite spending an average of £500 on flat-screen 'HD-ready' TVs, many viewers do not realise they also need a special set-top box or a Blu-ray DVD player to unlock the ultra-sharp pictures.
More than 6million are unwittingly missing out on the high definition revolution, the figures from the British Video Association (BVA) suggest.
The research, based on a poll of 9,500 viewers, showed that 30 per cent thought they could watch high definition programmes or Blu-ray discs at home.
It then revealed, however, that almost half of those who believed they were watching in HD had not actually connected the necessary player or set-top box.

Why am I not surprised…….

A church minister has had his computer pinched while typing up a sermon on the 8th Commandment: thou shalt not steal.
The laptop was stolen from Salvation Army officer Major Andrew Diaper-Clausen’s office in his church in Bath.
He said: “I’d mentioned victims of crime, not knowing it would be me.”
C'est La Vie

Cans filled with the aroma of cow farts are proving a big hit with shoppers - despite costing £5 a tin.
Tins filled with the air sucked out of an ageing wooden stable, straw lined and filled with gas producing cattle has become an instant hit after it went on sale in Germany.
Managers of the 'Countryside air to go' project say their clients are mainly country people who have moved to the city and want to be reminded of home.
The cans cost £5 a pop and can be ordered from the web site
One advert boasts: 'Simply put your nose to the tin and peel back the lid for the authentic smell of the country'.
Designer Daniela Dorrer from the village of Adlkofen in Bavaria in Germany said: 'We hope to make people who miss the countryside happy and remind them of home.
'We are planning other smells such as horse, straw, pigs and manure. But most people miss the smell of the cows in the country, not really surprising as much of the smell is from cows.' 
Cows' farting and burping have even been accused of causing global warming problems.
Just one cow gives off enough harmful methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 litre bottles, which is really bad for the environment, say experts

But don’t have a fag while you are sniffing.

And finally:

More ladies sauntering (surprised the ladies haven’t demanded Gentlemen strolling)


And today’s thought: If you think nobody cares . . . try missing a couple of payments.