Showing posts with label norks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label norks. Show all posts

Saturday, 16 February 2013

I’m confused: Charlie the lawmaker: Free doughnuts: Tesco go hunting: Denver bunny vandals: and Got an hour to waste?

A modicum of lack of warm, minimal skywater, minus atmospheric movement and masses of cloudy stuff at the Castle this morn, the butler is out collecting fat, carbon neutral teenagers just in case, his Maj is out hunting worms and there will be no post tomorrow-doing several things.

Apparently Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t find my arse in this dark room because the torch is broken) Osborne is thinking about giving us 300-400 squids worth of RBS (which we already own) “shares”, or phased disposal or attempts to place the shares in the market – allowing the public to invest their own money in the company but at a discount to the share price at the time.
Now: I am confused because “we” gave RBS £45,500,000,000 (without our knowledge) so that the employees could continue to get their nice big salaries and bonuses and we could suffer cuts in welfare, ‘Orspitals, council services and benefits,

And now “they” want to give us a pittance back because “they” don’t have a hope of putting RBS back into the private sector and recouping our money,

According to “A senior government source” (probably the cleaner at No 10):

"There is a realisation that there is no prospect of RBS's share price rising to the level at which we bailed the bank out and it's not good for the bank or the Government to hold on to our stake indefinitely. Obviously a give-away to taxpayers before the election, who after all paid for it in the first place, is very attractive."

In 2008 the Government invested £45.5bn in RBS to prevent the bank from collapsing. RBS shares closed last night at 344p, well below the 500p average at which taxpayers bought their 82 per cent stake. Last night's closing price equates to a £14bn loss.

 Which is why I am so confused because “taxpayers” didn’t buy an 82 per cent stake in the Royal Bank of wankers the piss poor millionaires club coalition did on our behalf and now they want us to take a £14 billion loss because they can’t do their sums.

Anyone else confused about this, or is it because they want to orfload this millstone in case Norf of the border gets its independence?


Allegedly the Prince of Wales was secretly given a say over dozens of new laws, including those to ban hunting and to introduce the Government’s green deal, the Government has revealed.

A Freedom of Information request disclosed that the Prince has been consulted on an average of three laws every year over the past 11 years. In all he was consulted on 33 laws over past 11 years, far higher than previously disclosed.

Some of our laws that he was arsed about were:

The Energy Bill in September 2011, which passed into law the Government’s green deal which encourages homeowners to take out a loan to make their house more energy-efficient

The Hunting Bill in July 2003, the same month that MPs voted on a free ballot to ban hunting with dogs in the UK.

The Licensing Bill in June 2003, which was criticised for legalising 24 hour drinking after it came into force in November 2005.

The Health and Social Care Bill (July 2003)

Companies Bill (October 2006)

And the Land Registration Bill (February 2002).

It seems that being the heir to the Throne old nag loving Charlie is allowed under Britain’s constitution to be consulted on legislation that might affect his private interests.

Oh well as long as he can continue to keep his fifteen serfs, and thousands of acres of Blighty then that’s alright then.



The opening of the first Krispy Kreme store in Scotland caused traffic chaos as thousands turned up for the chance of free doughnuts.
Before the store in Edinburgh had even opened its doors at 7am, more than 300 determined people had already braved the elements and formed a queue outside in the driving snow.

Staff served doughnuts to 400 sweet-toothed customers in the first hour alone of the store being opened, but bosses didn't anticipate the feverish popularity of the launch at the Hermiston Gait shopping centre - with traffic queuing on approach roads, including the M8 motorway and A720, for hours on end.

Why am I not surprised....


My favourite retailer Tesco has been hit by another PR nightmare when a horse died after being hit by one of its delivery van drivers.
The crash happened as the supermarket remained at the centre of the horsemeat scandal after traces of horse were found in products labelled as beef.
The Tesco delivery driver hit the hunting horse while it was being exercised in the village of Little Kineton, in Warwickshire.
The exact circumstances are unclear, but the van somehow crashed into the back of the horse, breaking its leg.

The horse, named ‘Miller’, had to be put down following the accident

It was then put in the back of the van and taken to the nearest Tesco supermarket (only joking)-(I hope).


Bunnies have been wreaking havoc on cars parked at Denver International Airport - eating spark plug cables and other wiring.
The furry creatures have already caused thousands of dollars in damage as wildlife official’s work to solve the problem.
"I see at least dozens every morning," airport shuttle driver Michelle Anderson told KCNC-TV. "They go hide under the cars and the cars are warm."
A spokesperson from an automotive service centre said the rabbits are chewing on the insulator section of the vehicles' ignition cables, which can lead to hefty repair bills.
The station reported that wildlife workers are removing at least 100 bunnies a month while parking companies build better fences and perches for predator hawks and eagles.
Local mechanics have offered a more unorthodox solution for worried car owners.

They say coating the wires with fox urine - available at hunting shops - will deter the creatures.

But do not piss on the cables yourself-especially if the engine is running

And finally:


Then watch the video, I lasted about thirty seconds before I lost the will to live...

And today’s thought:
Oh I say-nice norks, good job there’s not a law against it



Friday, 14 September 2012

Royal Norks-allegedly: Taking the piss: still taking the piss: El Sluggo: Funnel Web hunters wanted: Dead end voting: and Plane daft.

Loads of atmospheric movement, not a lot of lack of cold, even less solar stuff and much less skywater at the Castle this morn.
I think I may have to give up this blogging thing, the old brain cell is seriously on the blink, can’t remember words, forget to do the spell check, forget to add labels, forget what I was going to ramble about, forget to reply to comments, forget to visit/comment on other bloggers and sometimes I forget to blog at all...

 Now what was I saying?

And even more allegedly Will’s bird got her headlights out on the terrace of a guest house during a brief holiday she enjoyed with the tall bald bloke in France last week.
The couple were staying in Provence at a chateau owned by Lord Linley, the Queen's nephew, ahead of their Diamond Jubilee tour of south-east Asia and the South Pacific on behalf of the Queen.
And surprise, surprise it seems that a naughty person with a camera snapped the royal norks-allegedly.
The magazine's French website showed an image of its new front cover with a heavily pixilated image of a woman with dark hair, it claims is the Duchess, in a bikini apparently about to remove her top.
William and Kate were told about the allegations this morning before they visited they Assyakirin Mosque and had also looked at the images on the website.
Speaking about the royal couple a source said: "They're saddened their privacy has been breached - if it has been breached."
The source stressed it could not confirm if the pictures were of Kate as they appeared to have been taken with a long lens and were pixilated.

So what’s all the bleedin fuss about then?


Apparently the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition has managed to splurge £500 million on private schools for the orfspring of diplomats and military personnel in the last three years.
Ministers last year backed down on plans to scrap the allowance, which costs the taxpayer more than £21,000 per child, as part of public sector spending cuts. Instead they promised to cut the bill through "efficiencies". But research by the Bureau of Investigative Journalism has revealed that the cost of the perk has increased by nearly ten per cent since 2009 and last year stood at £203m across three departments.
The privilege, known as the Continuity of Education Allowance (CEA), exists to support children whose parents work for the government overseas. It covers the costs of schooling abroad and in the UK, but the majority, at least £99m each year, is spent on fees for expensive British boarding schools.
Public schools where the state has subsidised places include Marlborough College, Tony Blair's old school Fettes College and Roedean.
By far the biggest bill for private schooling comes from the Ministry of Defence (MoD), which funded more than £189m of school fees last year. All ranks are eligible for the perk but, because families have to make a contribution of a least 10 per cent, it is overwhelmingly taken up by officers.
Despite promises to make savings on the scheme the total bill has actually risen by £16m since 2008/9 – in part caused by new tax arrangements. It comes at the same time as the Army is in the process of axing 20,000 posts because of budget cuts.

Greedy, arrogant, self centred bastards....

A council chief criticised by ministers for collecting an "unacceptable" £420,000 pay-off has been awarded a senior new job cutting waste in Whitehall.
Katherine Kerswell was last night accused of riding the government "job merry-go-round"; after it emerged she is the new director-general of civil service reform at the Cabinet Office.
Her salary will be £142,000 for the role, which ministers have struggled to fill since April 2011.
The 49-year-old was awarded the new job almost a year after leaving Kent County Council with a £589,000 pay package, including her salary and the hefty pay-off. She had been in the job just 16 months before taking redundancy.
Francis Maude, the cabinet office minister, said she would be leading the Coalition’s plan to improve the civil service set out in June.
“I want to see a Civil Service that is flatter, faster, more digital, more unified, with better capabilities and performance management, focused on outcomes not process, with modern terms and conditions, and which is more enjoyable to work for,” he said.

 No wonder she is fucking laughing...


The Spanish slug, that can grow up to 15cm long, is thought to have arrived in salads during the summer – and has already spread as far west as Wales
Giant Spanish slugs that invaded Britain are mating with native ones to create a mutant super slug capable of wreaking crop havoc.
They are also threatening to wipe out local species with new diseases and ­parasites or by simply devouring them
Sylvia Locke, 72, from the Amman Valley in Wales, has seen several in her garden. She said: “We caught them eating snails. It was gruesome.
“Our dog caught one it was so big I thought it was a mouse.”

Saw one meself yestermorn but I managed to deal with it by hitting it with half a brick-cheaper than slug poison.


The Australian Reptile Park wants new recruits in the hunt for funnel web spiders.
The tourist attraction has sent out an SOS to residents across the coast for funnel webs, particularly males, which are milked for their venom used to create anti-venom.
"Usually at this time of year we have been inundated with people bringing in funnel webs, because we have experienced that warmer weather mixed with spring showers which is what they like, but it's been quite dry for the last few weeks so sightings are down," Australian Reptile Park operations manager Tim Faulkner said.
The spiders are milked once a week and it takes about 70 milkings to create a single dose of anti-venom.
If you see a funnel web and want to catch it, Mr Faulkner said it's best to use a glass container.
"We tell people if they feel comfortable collecting them either use a stick or a utensil to help scoop them up and into the glass container, and don't panic ... they won't chase you," he laughed.

Sod that....


Apparently officials in Texas are sending out about 1,800 letters marked "VERIFICATION OF VOTER STATUS."
What you're supposed to do, within 30 days is contact county elections officials and tell them you are not dead.

According to
Rich Parsons, director of communications for the Texas Secretary of State's office.
More than 13 million people are registered to vote in Texas, and 76,990 of them were found to be on the "potentially deceased" list. The total includes strong matches (meaning the registered voters name, Social Security number and date of birth were exactly the same as a potentially deceased person) and weak matches (in which some but not all of the elements paired up, maybe a few digits of the Social Security numbers were off).
All of the names were sent to voter registrars across the state. Tarrant County Elections Administrator Steve Raborn says about 4,000 of them came to his office.
Raborn says people in his office searched the list, eliminated many of the weak matches, removed clearly identifiable strong matches from the voter registration rolls and last week mailed letters to about 1,800 people whose life-or-death status was uncertain.
By law, those who don't respond within 30 days will be removed from the voter rolls, although if they show up to vote in the Nov. 6 election they'll still be allowed to cast a ballot and their votes will be counted.

My brain hurts...

And finally:


A US man is trying to sell his damaged plane online - after landing it upside down in a storm.
The seller, named only as Jim on the Craigslist, wants the equivalent of £10,000 for the 1968 Cessna 172 H.
In the listing, Jim explains in his own way how the plane came to look like a turtle flipped on its back.
"It started out as a bad hair day, ya know kinda windy, got called out to plow, course here in DV (Death Valley) we plow gravel off the road, anyway must have had a twister come thru so I spent the afternoon flipping my plane," he admitted.
Jim goes on to list the extensive list of damaged parts that potential buyers may wish to consider before lodging a bid.
They may be consoled that the plane, currently at Furnace Creek airport in Death Valley, California, has at least now been turned the right way up. 

Must be worth £10, 001 by now then...


And today’s thought:
Worth £21,000 of anyone’s money



Friday, 7 September 2012

Greedy bastards: Ex Nazi goes green: Flock orf Putin: Sad cow: and Nork squeezing.

More than a lot of solar stuff, not a jot of wet stuff, nary a whimsy of atmospheric movement and quite a bundle of lack of cold stuff at the Castle this morn.

After a week on the industrial antibiotics the face is still hurting, but at least the side effects have eased orf a bit, the good bit is that I have caught up on a few months sleep.

The garden is in need of an enormous amount of fettling-sod that....and today is a tentative attempt at a post, time will tell...

And a huge thank you for the good wishes.


Apparently the sporty people with some bits missing or not working is going well, apart from some Sarf African who is Pissedorfius about other blade runners being quicker than him, oh dear what a shame. 

I wonder how they would do on the ATOS “fit for work” thingy?



U-Turn Cam has reshuffled the cards in his Millionaires Club sideboard; unfortunately he has kept the dog eared Jokers.
And allegedly MPs' expenses claims have risen by a quarter last year to nearly £90 million, The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (Ipsa) insisted that the rate of claims had remained "stable".
The total outlay for 2010-11 had been £71 million, and IPSA pointed out this was lower because of the impact of the general election.
Altogether, the 650 MPs were handed £89.4 million in 2011-12.
Some 50 iPads were purchased, along with a variety of Apple accessories.
The top three claimants were Liberal Democrats – Greg Mulholland, Stephen Gilbert and Alistair Carmichael. Mr Mulholland, who received £188,783.38 in staffing salary and expenses, said his costs were higher than usual because of staff suffering health problems. As the MP for Orkney and Shetlands, Mr Carmichael's travel expenses are unusually high.
MPs spent £6,401,099 on accommodation costs.
The former Prime Minister Gordon Brown received £127,197 in expenses and staffing costs. Mr Brown claimed £13,458 in travelling costs, despite speaking in Parliament only three times since the 2010 election.
The Prime Monster U-Turn Cam claimed £5,617, most of which covered office costs.

The Chancellor George Osborne received £9,715.04, which was mainly spent on travelling to and from his constituency in Tatton.
Dozens of MPs have continued to claim the cost of their mortgage interest, a system which is due to be phased out. In total, they claimed £353,646 to cover the cost of their mortgage interest.

And so it goes on...and on....and on...and......



Ex Nazi El Papa Pope Benedict XVI has been presented with an electric car to use within the grounds of the Vatican and his summer home of Castel Gandolfo.
The customised white Kangoo was presented to the pontiff by French carmaker Renault.
Renault said the Kangoo Maxi van, which has the Papal coat of arms on its doors, has a 44 kilowatt electric motor and lithium-ion battery and can travel 170km (105 miles) without recharging.
Renault also handed over a second car, which is blue, to be used by the Vatican's police force.
The vehicles were presented to the Pope on Wednesday at Castel Gandolfo, in the Alban Hills south of Rome, by Renault chairman Carlos Ghosn, before being unveiled to the press on Thursday.
The Pope used his new car on Wednesday to travel from the helipad at Castel Gandolfo through the gardens back to his palazzo, the Vatican said.

Very “green” apart from the Helicopter....creepy old fart....

Russian President Vladimir Putin took to the skies in a motorised hang-glider as he led a flock of young Siberian white cranes in flight.
He donned a baggy white costume with a helmet and goggles and was surrounded by several of the young birds, who were born in captivity and therefore do not know how to fly south for the winter.

Environmentalists use an imitation lead crane - the hang-glider - to show them the way after a series of local training fights like the one led by Mr Putin.

Mr Putin said it had been his idea to fly the aircraft, although it appeared to be steered most of the time by another person in a similar white costume sitting behind him.

A Russian news agency reported that only one crane followed Mr Putin on his first flight, which he attributed to high winds that caused the hang-glider to travel faster than usual.


Bit like most politicians then...all wind and Putin....


Tina Leopard, a Chinese blogger and model who earlier this year sparked controversy among Internet users after photos showing her extremely sharp chin and large anime-like eyes went viral on Sina Weibo, China’s version of Twitter.

Apparently, there’s a new fashion trend sweeping across China – the anime look. The country’s most popular social media sites are practically flooded with tons of photos of young people clearly going out of their way to look as much like an anime character as possible. The trend took off last summer, when a girl going  by the name of KOKO uploaded photos and videos showing her thin body, pointy chin and disproportionately large eyes. It turned out she used all kinds of makeup tricks to achieve her anime look, and her photos were apparently also altered in Photoshop, but that didn’t seem to matter much to people who wanted to look like the characters in popular Japanese cartoons

Ye bleedin Gods...

And finally:


Recently, a breast-squeezing event was held in Shinjuku, Tokyo. It was part of the “Erotica Will Save the World” event. 

Rules on how to squeeze a Nork:

1) Participants lined up (ID was required to prove they were over 18)

2) Money was donated

3) Participants washed their hands

4) Breast-squeezing commenced. (Two squeezes per hand were allowed.)

Erotica Will Save the World” took place August 25-26, the name of the event speaks for itself. There were many other events such as “Masturbation Marathon.”

All money raised will help STOP!AIDS, a charity promoting awareness, treatment, and prevention of HIV/AIDS.

Why is it that I always miss these things?


And today’s thought:
Ever been to Las Vegas?