Showing posts with label retirement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retirement. Show all posts

Friday, 30 November 2012

Ethical vacuum: Poor Old Farts: Bacon face: Sex in a Swiss box: Rubbish Wi-Fi: and Loop Quantum Cosmology.

Mammoth amounts of lack of warm, multitudes of layers of scrapey-scrapey stuff, minimal amounts of skywater and not a sign of Dawn’s crack at the Castle this morn.

Didn’t post yestermorn, had an early Tooth Doctor’s appointment after the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, I won’t go into details but suffice it to say that spitting up blood isn’t one of my favourite pastimes.


The publication of naked pictures of Prince Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge shows that the "Blogosphere" is an “ethical vacuum”, and that while people will not assume that what they read on the internet is “trustworthy”, they expect newspapers to be a “quality product”.
At the inquiry, newspapers argued that stricter regulation of the press would be meaningless without greater controls of the internet.
“The press, on the other hand, does claim to operate by and adhere to an ethical code of conduct. Newspapers, through whichever medium they are delivered, purport to offer a quality product in all senses of the term.”
“In contrast, the internet does not function on that basis at all. People will not assume that what they read on the internet is trustworthy or that it carries any particular assurance or accuracy; it need be no more than one person’s view.”

Isn’t that what free speech is all about?


People over the age of 50 are “sleepwalking” into a pension crisis by over-estimating how well-off they will be in retirement.
A report by the Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) and the National Association of Pension Funds (NAPF) found that a third of people aged between 52 and 64 have no idea what their workplace pension income will be in retirement.
It also found that six in ten people over the age of 50 who are still in work have not yet thought about how many years of retirement they might need to finance.
The NAPF said the findings mean that millions of workers will be poorer than they think when they stop working.
The study found that women in their 50s believe they will live until they are 84, when their life expectancy is 88. Men, meanwhile, predict they will live until 83 when their life expectancy is 85.
The report found that on average people in so-called defined contribution workplace pension schemes aged between 50 and 64 would need to see their pot make investment returns of 77 per cent to reach the income they expect in retirement. The average UK pension fund makes annual returns of just 4.3 per cent.

So where has all the money gorn-oh yes the Bankers pissed it all away gambling on the markets....and the “government” let them.


A bacon-scented shaving cream has hit the market, so men can carry the smell of fried pork with them wherever they go.Its makers, J&D's Foods, claim it will make users 'smell and feel like a champion'.

However one customer who tested the lotion at Earl's Cuts in Seattle, Washington, sounded a little unsure about the meaty aroma, telling The Seattle Insider 'I feel like I'm in a skillet'

The new product, which launched yesterday, is described as 'high end' and 'luxurious' and the U.S. brand adds that men should use it after a hot shower or before an 'important date'.
Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow, the men behind J&D's Food, have only created 2,500 jars of their $14.95. Bacon Shaving Cream.
Apparently Mr Lefkow said: 'This is something that every bacon loving male needs. You’re going to smell good, you’re feeling good and you're probably going to taste good.'
While Mr Esch, who also had a hand in creating the strange toiletry item, explained: 'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and bacon is the best part of breakfast. Why not smell like it and be the best?'

Oh joy......wonder if they do one that smells of money?


The Swiss city of Zurich is to open drive-in sex boxes in an attempt to rid the town of street prostitution.
Zurich council has approved a plan to build the boxes, which will, it hopes, provide a discreet location for prostitutes and their clients to conduct business when they open in August next year.
Located in an industrial area of the city, the row of garage-like boxes will have roofs and walls for privacy, and easy access for cars. The council estimates that around 30 prostitutes will meet clients at the site of the boxes, and use the drive-in slots on a first-come-first-served basis.
The prostitutes who use the sex boxes will also have to take out medical insurance and buy a £26 licence in order to ply their trade. On top of that they will also have to feed five Swiss francs, about £3.30, into a roadside ticket machine each night when they clock on.

Traffic jam sex?

Aberdeen is set to spearhead a refuse revolution by installing hi-tech litter bins in the city centre – which will also provide free Wi-Fi access for visitors to the area.
• Bins will use Wi-Fi technology to alert refuse department when they are full
• Wi-Fi hotspots will also be used to distribute tourist information advice
The City Council, in partnership with the Aberdeen Inspired initiative, is planning to spend almost £250,000 by ordering 60 “Big Belly Bins” for key locations around the city centre.
The solar powered bins are fitted with waste compactors, ensuring they need emptied less often than standard designs. The bins also use wireless technology to alert authorities when they are full and the electronics used to issue the alerts will also allow the bins to act as Wi-Fi hotspots, providing visitors with up to date guides to the city and its sights, shops and restaurants.
The £246,500 cost of the project is to be shared by the city council and Aberdeen Inspired, the banner under which the Aberdeen BID (Business Improvement District) is operating.
Susan Bree, chief executive of Aberdeen Inspired, said: “We want Aberdeen to be at the forefront when it comes to technology and the Big Belly Bins are just one of the examples of the initiatives we are pressing ahead with.
“The additional feature of providing Wi-Fi access is also a major bonus, all part of our wider aim to increase footfall in the city centre and make Aberdeen more attractive to visitors.”

Ever been to Aberdeen? I have........once........

And finally:

Using techniques from an area of modern physics called loop quantum cosmology, developed at Penn State, the scientists at Penn State University have extended analyses that include quantum physics farther back in time than ever before — all the way to the beginning. The new paradigm of loop quantum origins shows, for the first time, that the large-scale structures we now see in the universe evolved from fundamental fluctuations in the essential quantum nature of “space-time,” which existed even at the very beginning of the universe over 14 billion years ago. The achievement also provides new opportunities for testing competing theories of modern cosmology against breakthrough observations expected from next-generation telescope

Allegedly the new paradigm provides a conceptual and mathematical framework for describing the exotic “quantum-mechanical geometry of space-time” in the very early universe. The paradigm shows that, during this early era, the universe was compressed to such unimaginable densities that its behaviour was ruled not by the classical physics of Einstein’s general theory of relativity, but by an even more fundamental theory that also incorporates the strange dynamics of quantum mechanics. The density of matter was huge then — 1094 grams per cubic centimetre, as compared with the density of an atomic nucleus today, which is only 1014 grams. In this bizarre quantum-mechanical environment — where one can speak only of probabilities of events rather than certainties — physical properties naturally would be vastly different from the way we experience them today. Among these differences, Ashtekar said, are the concept of “time,” as well as the changing dynamics of various systems over time as they experience the fabric of quantum geometry itself.


So now you know.....



And today’s thought:
Not in my back passage



Friday, 2 November 2012

Not a pot to piss in: Silly Billy gets stuffed: Gandalf retires: Flying Hobbit: Flying Jobsworths: and a Cheap plasma jet.

Loads of solar stuff, lots and lots of lack of warm and little atmospheric movement at the Castle this morn, quite late, the vast amounts of skywater and low readings on the liquid metal gauge has it seems finally managed to paralyse the interweb thingy, and it is only working in spurts which is a bit miffing.


Those with expectations of becoming rich old farts are a tad disappointed; the Financial Services Authority (FSA) said that from 2014 the predicted growth rates used to give investors an idea of what their pension pot will be worth when they retire must be significantly lower than they are today.
Currently pension companies use a so-called “intermediate projection rate” of 7 per cent in statements to savers. This means that someone in their 20s who earns £30,000 and saves £2,000 a year into a workplace pension can expect to have a retirement pot when they reach 68 of £540,000.
However under the new 5 per cent growth rate that firms will have to use, this pot will be valued at just £335,000. The change means that the person’s predicted pension income will fall from £10,400 a year to £6,430 a year, a drop of 38 per cent.
Experts said that the lower rate will provide a “dose of cold economic reality” to savers and will give them a more accurate idea of the money they can expect to receive on retirement.
As well as pensions, the new rules will also cover the expected growth of financial products including ISAs and endowments. From 2014 all statements about existing investments will use the new lower projection rates.

Which means bugger all really...


Silly Billy has coughed up ten grand to re-stuff his new mate; a giant anaconda named Albert who has spent most of the last century hanging above the ministry library and reckons that "He is looking very optimistic about the future of our foreign policy".
A ministry spokesman said that as Albert was a gift, he is regarded as a government asset.
"As such, the Foreign Office is obliged to maintain its assets, and the work on 'Albert' was essential maintenance," he said.
"It is believed that 'Albert' was first re-stuffed in the 1960s or 1970s, but there are no records of how much it cost on that occasion. Certainly no significant maintenance has been carried out on him in the last 40-50 years."

And it could have waited another decade or so....

Photographer Mark Bridger captured a picture of Gandalf the great grey owl at an outbuilding at Knowsley Safari Park in Prescot, Merseyside, on Monday.
'It transpires he lives in that outbuilding,' said Mark, 44, from West Malling, Kent.
'I went up to the park on Monday to photograph reptiles and noticed that Gandalf was happily watching the birds flying around out of the window of his house.
'He lives at Knowsley Safari Park. They said he loves watching the birds and the dogs through the window.'




A four-minute-long Air New Zealand safety video celebrating the upcoming premiere of the first film in the Hobbit trilogy has gone viral within 24 hours of being posted on YouTube.
The in-flight video – which features the character Gollum and the film director Sir Peter Jackson - has received more than two million hits.
The video is the latest of the airline's in-flight films to become popular online.
Other online hits have included a video showing fitness guru Richard Simmons wearing in a sequin tank top, and another starring the cast of the New Zealand All Blacks rugby team.

My brain hurts....


A Norwegian plane carrying 40 passengers turned around and returned to an airport hundreds of kilometres away -- despite having already started its descent -- just so the crew would not have to work overtime.
The plane was about to land in the small northern town of Mosjoen when it turned back to Trondheim, around 350 kilometres (220 miles) south, local newspaper Rana Blad said in a report.
"Shortly afterwards, the captain himself said on the tannoy that it was unbelievable, but that it had been decided that we had to turn around," passenger Steinar Henriksen said.
Company Wideroe, a regional carrier owned by Scandinavian airline SAS, said that the last-minute decision was based on Norway's strict working time regulations.
"Unfortunately, the plane took off with a crew that was about to clock out. We have strict working hours that are imposed by the authorities, which we cannot exceed," a spokesman for the company, Richard Kongsteien, told the paper.
"If the airplane had landed, it would have had to stay in Mosjoen since we didn't have a back-up crew there, and the schedule for the rest of the evening would have had to be cancelled," he said, adding that this would have affected more than 200 passengers.

My brain hurts even more...

And finally:

Well now it seems that you may be able to, travel to the moon, asteroids, Mars and other nearby destinations could become more affordable if a Virginia-based company achieves its goal of building cheaper electric space propulsion.
The firm, called HyperV Technologies Corp., has started a crowd-funding campaign on the website Kickstarter to pay for the project, called a plasma jet thruster.
The 8-year-old company, which officials said collaborates with several United States laboratories in its research, has just two days left in the campaign to raise its goal of $69,000.

Anyone would think that it’s rocket science......


And today’s thought:
Hard life.



Saturday, 30 June 2012

Royal Fail strikes again: “national retirement service”: Talking toilet mints: $168,000 a bottle plonk: Big jumping De-daw: and searching for Mokele-mbeme.

Wet, cold, dingy and dismal at the Castle this morn, the Honda is still covered in yellow stuff despite the skywater, his Maj is sulking on the sofa and the elbow is finally fixed.

The Royal Fail has come up with another Cupid Stunt ploy to screw the public.
They have cut nearly 6,500 collections at the UK’s 115,000 post boxes last year, and brought forward final collection times at thousands more post boxes to save money.
In some rural parts of the country the last post is now being picked up as early as nine in the morning, Royal Mail admitted.
Royal Mail cut collections at nearly 6,453 post boxes and moved the last post to earlier in the day at 4,287 post boxes in the 12 months to 27 February 2012.

I suppose they have to pay for postman Pat’s pensions somehow.....

Ex Prime Monster’s Big Society tsar “Lord” (U-Turn Cam is my mate) Wei reckons that Baby boomers should be encouraged to complete “national service” for pensioners after they retire.
And that old farts should be working part-time, volunteering for charities, or sharing their business experience with young entrepreneurs would help older people avoid boredom in retirement.
A pilot project is being established to develop the “national retirement service” concept, which would begin by targeting new pensioners on cruises, or other holidays and leisure activities.
They would then be encouraged to make contact with others in the same age group living nearby to discuss what to do with the years ahead.
Lord Wei’s plan could win support in government as ministers are sympathetic to moves to encourage older people to volunteer in retirement.
The Tory peer said ensuring 55-65 year-olds continue to be engaged in the lives of younger people was essential to avoid “war” between generations.
His plan followed a call from the minister for civil society, Nick Hurd, who suggested last year that the baby boom generation should volunteer when they retire instead of spending all their free time playing golf.

Fuck orf you pair of twats; aren’t fifty bleedin years working your nuts orf enough for you Thatcher generation Pillocks...

Michigan is hoping to keep drunks off the road with the help from a special bathroom message.
The state says talking urinal-deodorizer cakes have been distributed to Michigan Licensed Beverage Association members in Wayne, Bay, Ottawa and Delta counties. A recorded message will play reminding men who step up to the urinals to call a cab or a friend, if needed, to get home safely.
The messages are part of a state wide Fourth of July education and enforcement effort. A kickoff is planned Monday at Detroit pub The Old Shillelagh.

What abaht the “ladies” then....

The most expensive wine ever sold directly from a winery will go on sale this week, from the Australian vintner Penfolds. The limited edition release of the 2004 Penfolds Block 42 Cabernet Sauvignon is priced at $168,000 a bottle.
The wine’s distinctive price comes from its rarity. The wine was made from the oldest producing cabernet sauvignon vines in the world, transplanted from France to Australia in the 1830s.
Later planted at the Kalimna Vineyard in the Barossa Valley, northeast of Adelaide, the vines today provide unequalled juice, but little of it. Only 12 bottles of the 2004 vintage will be sold.
To add further cachet, Penfolds commissioned an ampoule of scientific grade glass to hold it from three Australian artists: Nick Mount, who designed and hand-blew the glass; silversmith Hendrik Forster, who prepared the precious metal detailing; and furniture craftsman Andrew Bartlett, made the bespoke Jarrah cabinet.

Wonder what Danger Mouse would say.....

And finally:

A team of explorers is setting out to discover once and for all whether Africa’s monster known as Mokele-mbeme is fact or fiction.
The team of Dino hunters arrived in the Congo capital of Brazzaville on Tuesday with an array of firearms for protection.
‘It would be wholly unwise to travel where we are going without firearms,’ said spokesman for the group Joe Marrero, 28.
‘We plan to be in the jungle for three months searching for the mokele and other new species and can only carry so much food.’
He and two others - expedition leader and biologist Stephen McCullah, 21, and Sam Newton, 22, all from the US - begin their search next month.

Good luck with that...

And today’s thought;
I'll scratch my bum wimbledon.


Friday, 10 February 2012

Pissed and broke: Nudge-nudge #2: Domestic tax breaks: Quackers: Bottled smoke: Two old farts: Dog parking: and Top Totty defeats Kate Green.

A nice fresh layer of deep, crisp and even at the Castle this morn, his Maj has re-attached himself to the radiator, and the butler has been in the dungeon so long shoving fat, drunk teenagers into the furnace that he is sending out sonar to find his way about.
The over the channel lurgy has reached new heights-I fancy building a big metal tower in the garden.

Allegedly an American-Indian tribe in South Dakota has sued some of the world's biggest beer firms over severe alcohol-related issues in the community.
The Oglala Sioux Tribe is asking for $500m (£316m) for healthcare, social services and child rehabilitation.
Tribal elders say the lawsuit is a last resort after efforts to curb abuse through protests and policy failed.
On the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation one in four children suffers foetal disorders caused by alcohol abuse.
The lawsuit, filed in the district court of Nebraska, targets Anheuser-Busch InBev Worldwide, SAB Miller, Molson Coors Brewing Company, MillerCoors LLC, and Pabst Brewing Company.

Self inflicted?

Knobhead David Halpern, a senior No.10 aide and the director of the No 10 Behavioural Insight Team, known as the “nudge unit” thinks that Elderly people should be encouraged to go back to work and move into smaller homes.
In a presentation, Mr Halpern said pensioners should be encouraged to return to work because of the benefits of social interaction for the elderly.
He told delegates at the Stockholm summit that more than half of those older than 75 in Britain described themselves as lonely “all or most of the time”.
“Work matters, particularly for older people, not just for money, but absolutely for social contact,” he said.

Not to mention all the tax they would pay, and stamp duty, and the pensions that wouldn't...

Families could be given tax breaks for hiring cleaners and cooks to help with household chores, under a scheme to be considered by ministers.
The proposal could save middle-class families thousands of pounds a year in fees for domestic help and encourage more women to return to work after having children.
It would also act to cut the number of illegal workers, who are often paid “cash in hand”.
The idea would be modelled on a successful scheme operating in Sweden which has caught the eye of the Prime Monster.

Snag is that the Swedish economy is heading the same way as Blighty’s

A farmer was spotted marching hundreds of ducks along a busy motorway in China.

Xu Ling promptly marched the beaked birds along a 70mph highway in Changde, Hunan.

Mr Ling was transporting his herd of ducks back to his land from a nearby lake where they had been feeding.

Despite the risk of a fine and a caution from the police, the farmer took the superfast highway to avoid taking the long route home.

'I know I shouldn't do it and that the police will fine me if they see me, but I have more than 200 birds and you need a wide road to herd them all along at the same time,' he explained.

'The only other way home is through lots of small alleys and you lose too many birds like that.

Pass the orange sauce....

Jim Dingilian uses candle smoke to paint images on the inside of empty bottles.

According to Jim “The miniature scenes I depict are of locations on the edge of suburbia which seem mysterious or even slightly menacing despite their commonplace nature. The bottles add to the implied narratives of transgression. When found by the sides of roads or in the weeds near the edges of parking lots, empty liquor bottles are artefacts of consumption, delight, or dread. As art objects, they become hourglasses of sorts, their drained interiors now inhabited by dim memories”

Yeah right, but the “pictures” are 'interesting'...

Arnie and Sly “bumped into each other in ‘orspital, in an amazing coincidence the two action stars had been booked in to have treatment on their shoulders at the same medical centre, on the same day.

Writing online Arnie said: ""After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting The Expendables 2 and The Last Stand, it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder.

"Look who was coincidentally waiting in line behind me for his shoulder surgery. Now we're ready for another round of great times and action when we shoot The Tomb."

 Obviously we're not suggesting this is a publicity stunt for 'The Tomb'

No shit....

For a small fee, UK pet owners will be able to drop their dogs off in a specially designed cage complete with its very own cooling fan for those hot sunny days.
It has been a massive hit in Europe and is now set to be launched in the UK later this year.
The 45 inch, plastic device was designed by a Norwegian company in 2004 after the introduction of a new law stopping owners from tying their pets to the front of public entrances following a spate of dog attacks across the country.
Norsk Hundeparkering now wants to bring their product to the UK following its enormous popularity in Norway.

Oh joy...

And finally:

A campaign which led to "Top Totty" beer being banned from the House Of Commons bar has backfired - after sales increased across the country.
Family-run Staffordshire brewer Slater's revealed it has seen sales jump since one of its ales upset a MP Kate Green and attracted headlines around the world last week.
Slater's sales director Fay Slater announced that the firm has been bombarded with phone calls and emails from landlords wanting to get their hands on barrels of Top Totty.
The welcome boost for the popular ale comes after the four per cent beer was removed from sale at the Strangers' Bar, in the Houses of Parliament, after shadow equalities minister Ms Green said the pump clip, which features a half-naked lady, was offensive.
Now Slater's says it has sold around 50 more barrels than it shifts in an average week, with around half a dozen pubs saying they want to start selling the controversial ale too.

Up yours minister.....

And today’s thought:
Tax break


Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Where’s you bin: Fit to drop: Flying Numpty: First contact: and Cut price petrol.

‘Tis much cooler at the Castle this morn, with the feel of imminent sky water, the last dark thing was more than a tad hot and damp, the liquid metal scale reached 94f up the spiral staircase and his majesty decided that the best place was in the bin.

It seems that Dahn in Brighton, and up in Manchester up to 40 families a time are being forced to share enormous communal bins as councils across the country remove wheelie bins to save money.
Around 30,000 families in Brighton have been told to share 700 of the “dumpster” receptacles more commonly seen in Spain, Italy and Germany which can store 3,200 litres of rubbish.
A similar scheme in Manchester has seen 15,000 homes using 1,100-litre dumpsters with each one shared by up to 20 families.
In Bristol 3,000 households are involved in a trial operation with up to a dozen families sharing a bin.
Bob Neill, the Local Government Minister, said: “Communal bins are the brainchild of Labour bureaucrats who targeted hard-working households and bullied councils into cutting back weekly rubbish collections while doubling council tax.
“We are reining in the bin police and stopping this kind of bin blight. The Government is working with local councils to increase the frequency and quality of rubbish collections.”  

Sounds like a rubbish idea.

The average 50-something now leads a fitter and more active life than they did in their 20s.
Older adults are reaping the benefits of better diets, more exercise and increased free time to focus on their health, suggests the poll of 1,500 over 50s.
The survey found that they were taking more exercise and eating more healthy food than they were when they were younger.
Free of the pressures of working life and raising a family, they could also dedicate more time to exercise.
The poll, commissioned by the insurer Engage Mutual, found that seven in 10 people over 50 were doing more exercise than in their youth.
A similar number now pay more attention to their diet, eating much more fruit and vegetables and many less take-aways than they did in decades past.
"Current predictions for life expectancy state that men age 65 could expect to live another 17 years and women at 65 could expect to live another 20 years.”

Load of old bollocks, this is all part of the conspiracy to make us retire at seventy five so that “they” don’t have to pay the pensions we are entitled to.

A teenage car thief lost control of a stolen vehicle - and sailed 300ft through the air off a mountainside onto the roof of a house.
The 16-year-old spent hours speeding around winding mountain roads in Walemsee, Switzerland, before taking one bend too quickly.
"He spun the car through a safety barrier and it flew 30 metres through the air before it landed on a roof garden below," said one police officer.
"But the momentum kept the car going and it bounced off that roof and fell another 70 metres until it finally came to rest on a house lower down the slope."
Home-owner Thorsten Baumgartner, 48, said: "There was an enormous bang and the whole property shook.
"I thought at first it was an earthquake or that part of the hillside had collapsed on my property. I didn't expect to see a car on the roof when I went outside.
The Numpty driver was unhurt in the crash and was caught trying to stagger away down the road suffering from shock. 

I know parking is expensive but that is taking it a bit too far....

Russian scientists expect humanity to encounter alien civilizations within the next two decades, a top Russian astronomer predicted on Monday.
“The genesis of life is as inevitable as the formation of atoms... Life exists on other planets and we will find it within 20 years,” Andrei Finkelstein, director of the Russian Academy of Sciences’ Applied Astronomy Institute, was quoted by the Interfax news agency as saying.
Speaking at an international forum dedicated to the search for extraterrestrial life, Finkelstein said 10 percent of the known planets circling suns in the galaxy resemble Earth.
If water can be found there, then so can life, he said, adding that aliens would most likely resemble humans with two arms, two legs and a head. 

They are already here-take a look at son of a B....aronet George (reptilian alien in disguise) Osborne.

 And finally:

Thieves broke into a petrol station at night and sold all the fuel at half-price.
Drivers queued down the street to take advantage of the “special offer”, which lasted just a few hours before the pumps ran dry.
Staff believe that the gang made several thousand Euros from the scam in Fulda, Germany.
Police have so far spoken to 69 drivers who filled up but have warned the rest to come forward.
A spokesman said: “We will find them, so they had better settle their debt before they get an unexpected visit.”

Fuelling the recession?

 And today’s thought: We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.