Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Lack of care: My blackberry is out of juice: Pompey Pensioners orf sex: Automatic Numpty: Fine bit of skidding: and a pilfered Pelican.

‘tis warm, calm and sunny at the Castle this morn, there was a massive ingress of broken adding machines into the study yestermorn, already been down to Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run, last week I splashed out on sic crusty rolls-70p, this week I thought I would do the same-75p, thieving b’stards.....

Elderly patients in half of NHS hospitals are not being properly fed or cared for because of a lack of “kindness and compassion”, the health watchdog warns today.
The Care Quality Commission says that too often staff pay more attention to paperwork than those they are looking after.
Unacceptable care has become standard in some trusts, with doctors and nurses talking down to patients, ignoring their calls for assistance and failing to help them eat, drink or wash.

It isn’t just older patients that receive piss poor care.....and don’t listen to all the excuses-not enough staff, not enough money, not enough time or too many managers.

Angry BlackBerry users have called for compensation as the internet outage that has crippled their smart phones continued through Wednesday and spread to North America and Asia.
In a statement, RIM, which makes BlackBerry devices, said: "BlackBerry subscribers in the Americas may be experiencing intermittent service delays this morning"
The firm faced growing calls for compensation from users all over the world. European, Middle Eastern and African BlackBerry owners have now endured three working days without mobile internet access, including email and instant messaging.
RIM made no comment on the whether it would offer any money back as it battled to restore services. Users bombarded its Twitter accounts with demands for compensation on Wednesday afternoon.  

Run the video above, and all will be revealed.

It seems the pensioners of Portsmouth are simply not interested in sex, after a sexual health workshop for the over 60s failed to receive any interest.
Given the title Generation Sex, the workshop aimed to explore 'the realities of sex in the 21 century', encouraging the practice of safer sex among older people.
A spokesman for the event described it as having the potential to be 'frank, fun and factual' - however the event was cancelled due to lack of interest.
Portsmouth City Council's annual 60+ festival was to feature the workshop as a means of breaking down the taboo of people over 60 indulging in sex.
A spokesperson for the Council explained: 'The background was the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases in older people and the need to practice safer sex.
'It was decided to cancel the event because too few people booked places.'
Studies have shown that there has been a rise in STIs among over-45s, with a growing number of men and women over 60 becoming infected.

Given half a chance would be nice.....

A BMW driver ended up plunging through a multi-storey car park wall after he put his automatic car into the wrong gear and then put his foot down.
Markus Barosch, 78, went plunging through the car park wall and was trapped for nearly an hour until firemen arrived to set him free.

The rescuers had to stop the car toppling backwards and prop up the demolished wall before they could rescue the trapped pensioner from Rathenau, Germany.

He escaped with a minor bruise but the car was a write off and will have to be scrapped, the Austrian Times reported.

Forward, reverse, it’s all in the box somewhere.

A biker is in trouble after being caught speeding - while sliding along the ground without his motorcycle.
Police in Switzerland say Boris Maier, 38, from Bern, set off a speed camera while careering helplessly at 67mph in a 50mph zone.
The speed camera failed to record what speed the bike was travelling as it slid down the road in a shower of sparks - focusing instead on the unlucky biker.
Traffic police believe he would have been going a great deal faster when he first saw the camera.
A police spokesman said: "It appears that he suddenly saw the traffic control measure ahead and lost control as he tried to slow down."
Police say the motorcyclist, who was wearing protective leathers, was unhurt apart from minor cuts and bruises.
He faces a fine and a police spokesman said he was lucky not only in surviving unhurt but also as he would have lost his licence if he had been going a fraction faster.
The incident happened between the towns of Cibourg and La Chaux-de-fonds, close to Bern and the French border.

 On skid row?

And finally:

Authorities in the San Francisco Bay area town of Novato are in a flap about the theft of a park statue—a 700-pound bronze pelican.
The Marin Independent Journal says the statue, titled "Omay"—a Miwok Indian word for pelican—apparently was stolen over the weekend from a park near Scottsdale Pond.
The statue was commissioned by the city council in 2007 at a cost of $27,500. It is 9 feet tall with a 10-foot wingspan.
Novato police say it may have been stolen for its metal but the motive isn't clear yet. They're offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the thieves.

Melted down Pelican....

And today’s thought: Learn from your parents' mistakes . . . use birth control.


Saturday, 17 October 2009

Saturday Snippets

Bonking Brits; Bouncing Baby: Camel Cash: Cash Compensation; and No Tongues

Not a good start to the day, the cat managed to miss her dirt tray and crapped on the floor, after I cleaned it up and fed her she decided to show who was boss and threw up in the same place, anyone want an incontinent bulimic cat?

Not a good day for certain MPs either, HM Customs is apparently ‘investigating’ 27 of them.

A spokeswoman said: "Inquiries are an integral part of HMRC's work, ensuring that everyone pays the right tax."

She added: "An inquiry does not necessarily mean that there is a problem. Most inquiries are quickly closed".

But, just to help them out Here is a link they can use.

I’m tired of all this aren’t you?

And the CWU General secretary Bill Hayes is hinting that there may be more postal strikes after the two that are planned before Christmas.

Mr Hayes also suggested that he was in a stronger position than former miners' leader Arthur Scargill in the 1980s.

The 24-hour strikes will begin on 22 October. On the first day, mail centre staff and drivers will strike. The next day it will be delivery and collection staff.

Well Bill, it’s not the Gov you need to worry about it’s the public, farting about with OUR mail is guaranteed to turn you and your members into the equivalent of Thatcher the milk snatcher.

But there is some good news:

First up:

Researchers in Holland measured the sexual performance of nearly 500 men from five countries against the clock.

They found that British men had sex for 10 minutes on average before reaching an orgasm.

American men came second with an average performance of eight minutes, followed by the Dutch with a 6.5-minute innings.

Spaniards were fourth, giving their lovers 4.9 minutes of pleasure; while Turks trailed in last, clocking up an average 4.4 minutes.

One man, whose nationality was not identified, lasted just six seconds, the study by experts at Utrecht University in the Netherlands found.

However, another participant in the research put in a 52-minute performance before peaking.

A spokesman told The Sun: "The UK had the longest time. We found no major difference in those who used condoms. But men who drank alcohol before sex tended to last longer."

Keep it up chaps.

From OZ: - A 6-month-old baby had a miracle escape after his pram rolled onto the tracks and into the path of an oncoming train at a railway station in Melbourne.

Security video footage released on Friday shows the baby's mother looking away for a moment as the pram suddenly rolls off the edge of a station platform and onto the tracks at Ashburton station.

The mother looks back and panics as she watches the oncoming train hit the pram, dragging it about 130 feet along the track as the desperate driver tried to stop the train.

Miraculously, the baby boy survived with only minor injuries, including a bump to his head.

"The baby received a bump to his head and was distressed when we arrived. Luckily he was strapped into his pram at the time, which probably saved his life," Mr Wright said.

Michael Ferwerda, the Victoria state police sergeant, called Thursday's incident a "lucky escape" and said people should be cautious in train stations.

Maybe making the platform level might help.

The owner of a camel that was a beauty pageant contestant has demanded £160,000 in compensation from a Saudi Arabian oil company over the animal's death, according to reports.

The three-year-old black camel was grazing in a desert pasture about 150 miles west of Ahsa when it fell into a large hole dug to store crude oil.

Now the owner, Abdullah al-Saiari, is suing the oil giant Saudi Aramco for £160,000 in compensation for his prized camel.

Mr Saiari told the Saudi Gazette: "She was part of the Camel Beauty Contest."

The court had already contacted the beauty pageant's administrators to assess the value of the animal. A panel of camel experts set the beast's value at SR1 million, or £160,000.

Whatever floats your boat I suppose.

Dog owner Bruce Goulborn has won £450 compensation after his pet spaniel Benny chewed a parcel containing historic £5 notes which should not have been put through his letterbox.

Mr Goulborn, who should have signed for the package, wasn't in, and it fell into the jaws of his dog after the postman asked a neighbour to sign.

On Thursday, a court ordered Royal Mail to pay Bruce, from Rhyl, £450 compensation as the damaged notes are now only worth £350.

Last night the collector said Benny, 11, "thought it was his birthday" when he sunk his teeth into the parcel "like a chew toy".

The dog's teeth pierced two pristine 1937 white fivers from the Liverpool branch of the Bank of England which were being returned to him by a client who had paid for the registered delivery, Rhyl county court heard.

Royal Mail promise to cover losses under their special delivery services, but they argued Mr Goulborn could not "adequately prove" how much he paid for the notes.

But he produced a handwritten invoice showing the customer had stumped up £800, which he'd later refunded - leaving him out of pocket.

The postal service said compensation is based on actual loss - the amount it costs to acquire, purchase or manufacture the item, and not what it is worth at retail price.

Special deliveries are meant to be signed for only by the household the package is intended for. If the addressee isn't home, a card should be posted through the door saying they can collect it from a sorting office.

Awarding Mr Goulborn £450 compensation and £95 costs yesterday, district judge John Thomas said it was an "unusual scenario."

"Mr Goulborn is experienced in this field and has proved himself a credible and honest witness.

"This is an issue of fairness and Royal Mail do have a compensation scheme in place for customers who have problems with loss or damage to mail.

A Royal Mail spokesman said: "We will now have to consider the court judgement and respond accordingly.

"However, Royal Mail's position on payment of compensation for lost items remains unchanged and is based on actual loss."

Well done Royal Mail.

And finally:

The coach of the Bosnia-Herzegovina national football team has ordered players to kiss each other on the lips in order to create a special bond between team mates.

Miroslav Ciro Blazevic - who has Portsmouth star Asmir Begovic in his squad - said: "I take two of my players and tell them, 'Love him! Kiss him!' and he kisses him."

He claimed the unorthodox morale-boosting exercise has already proven successful: Mr Blazevic has taken the squad further than ever before in the World Cup.

“I tell them they have to kiss each other straight to the lips," the coach wrote in his column in Croatian news website

"The secret of my success is in a unity of a squad. You can't do anything without an atmosphere in a team," he explained.
His revelation came after Vincenzo Santoruvo, the Italian striker, amazed fans by planting a kiss on a team mate's lips after scoring for Serie B club Frosinone.

Always had my doubts about football.




Angus Dei politico

Thursday, 16 April 2009


Telegraph A Norwegian man faces a heavy fine and a driving ban after police caught him having sex with his girlfriend while speeding on the motorway, police said on Monday.

The unnamed couple, a 28-year-old man and a 22-year-old woman, were caught in the act late on Easter Sunday by traffic police on the E18 highway, some 25 miles west of Oslo.

Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133 kilometres per hour in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP.

"It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say," said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police.

"He couldn't see much because her back was in the way," he added.

"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know."
After following the couple for nearly a kilometre, officers pulled the car over at a service station.

"We have taken away his driving licence because of the danger that he caused," Mr Hagen said.

Telegraph A woman stole a 2mph mobility scooter from outside an Asda supermarket and attempted to drive it 10 miles home while she was twice the drink-drive limit.

Amanda Leaff, 46, took the scooter, supplied by the supermarket to help disabled people do their shopping, from an car park at Chedderton, near Oldham, and set off on a trip home.

Police later worked out that the journey would have taken her four hours to complete.
She recorded a reading of 77mg of alcohol in her breath and later admitted charges of taking the scooter without consent and driving it while unfit through drink.

The magistrates banned her from driving for 20 months and ordered her to pay £240 costs.

Ananova A would-be smuggler was arrested after trying to outrun border police with £300,000 of cigarettes in a horse and cart.

Police challenged Janos Jakab as he crossed Romania's northern border with the Ukraine carrying nearly 100,000 packets of cigarettes and tobacco.

After a short chase, police outran the cart and arrested Jakab.

A spokesman for the local border police said: "In general smugglers are becoming more and more sophisticated in their methods of getting contraband across borders. But this case proved the exception to the rule.

Dumb Ass!

Ananova Police in Germany are hunting a thief with no arms who managed to walk out of a shop with a 24-inch TV.

Two accomplices used clamps to fix the TV to his body before helping him out of the store in Munich, Germany.

Staff did not realise what had happened until they noticed a TV was missing from its stand and looked back at CCTV recordings.

A police spokesman said: "Staff only knew about the theft after they saw one of the display TVs had been taken off its stand.

"It's hard to believe that the sight of an armless man walking along with a giant TV clamped to his body did not get anyone's attention."

Yes, but how did he clamp the TV to his body?

Ananova A Russian man is facing jail after he ate his ex-wife's passport during a row.
Police in Nizhny Novgorod arrested Ivan Volokov, 31, after he tore up ex-wife Anna's passport and then ate all the pieces.

A police spokesman said: "They had just got divorced but the couple remained living in the same flat.”

"He wanted to destroy the passport as it was the woman's only official document which proved she had the right to stay living in the house."

Volokov has been charged with destroying official documents and threatening behaviour.

Yum Yum!

And finally:

Ananova A US man has been charged with assault after he allegedly broke wind on a police officer.

Police say they were fingerprinting Jose Cruz, 34, when he moved near Patrolman T.E. Parsons, lifted his leg and passed gas "loudly" on the officer.

Cruz then allegedly waved the air in the direction of Parsons, who was preparing a breath test machine at South Charleston police HQ, West Virginia.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint says.

Cruz was charged with drink driving, assaulting a police officer and obstruction.

Well he certainly didn’t have an obstruction.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” Stephen Covey


NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico


Saturday, 31 January 2009


If you can read this, you are lucky, illiteracy among people in the UK is the subject of a House of Commons Public Accounts Committee report.

Although the Gov spent £5 Billion on basic skills resources between 2001 and 2007, illiteracy and poor numeracy remain high.

In 2003, an estimated 75% of the adult population of working age had numeracy skills
below the level of a good pass at GCSE and 56% had literacy skills below this level. At that time, based on data collected in 1996

In 2006–07, around 8% of pupils (51,000) left school without Level 1 (GCSE grade D–G) mathematics and 6% (39,000) without Level 1 English. These young people are likely to require remedial action later in life to address these skills deficiencies.

Which goes to show that if you firk about with the education system enough, you can produce people who can’t read, write or add up.

Sneezing can be a sign of arousal.

Yet more expensive pointless research, Dr Mahmood Bhutta and Dr Harold Maxwell, investigated the phenomenon after reading of a middle-aged patient who had uncontrollable sneezing fits when he thought of sex. And also uncovered three people who claimed to sneeze after orgasm.
They unearthed evidence, via Internet chat rooms, of 17 others - of both sexes - with the same problem.

Dr Bhutta said, “that internet chat rooms could be a potential new tool for investigating the incidence of unusual or embarrassing symptoms that patients may not feel appropriate to discuss with their doctor.”

Two comments, if you sneeze AFTER orgasm then it is a bit too late to be aroused, and this isn’t research, it’s just an excuse to surf the web and talk to people in chat rooms.

Dementia patients are 'safe drivers'

Apparently patients with early dementia can drive safely, a survey has suggested.

The worrying bit is “The risk of crashes among Alzheimer's patients is "acceptably low" for up to three years after the disease becomes clinically apparent, they claim.”

Acceptable to whom?

I don’t believe in curtailing peoples’ rights but just one crash caused by a driver with dementia is one too many, dementia is a sad, cruel and extended illness and sufferers have my sympathy, but driving is controlling a two ton weapon among innocent people, shouldn’t licenses be revoked when the diagnosis is made?

A bit of goodish news for Doctors, the 48-hour week is not compulsory (ish), “Ministers said the European Working Time Directive limit would not have to apply to certain doctors working in emergency medicine, or in rural areas.
Instead, they will remain able to work up to 52-hours a week.”

Two thirds of doctors in the UK already work a 48-hour week.
The opt-out will apply to 20 to 30 units at trusts across the country, including services providing 24-hour care, extremely specialist teams and remote and rural units.

But a spokesman for the Royal College of Surgeons said: "Surgeons are clear that an impending crisis in quality patient care can only be headed off by working 65 hours a week including on call.
"The Department of Health announcement will do little to ease concerns.”

Will somebody PLEASE make their minds up?

Over thinking 'disrupts golf putt'

It seems that if you think too much about playing golf it affects your putt.
St Andrews University and US scientists said they had established that too much analysis made the golfer's game worse.

They said thinking too much about the previous shot can disrupt performance.
In total, 80 golfers were given shots to practise until they got it right. Those who discussed their putting between strokes took twice as long.

Again two comments, waste of research money and why does knocking a small white ball into a little hole cause people to think? (No I am not a golfer-waste of a good walk).

And finally.

Webber's fear for Eurovision act

Andrew Lloyd Webber has said he is worried that one of his Eurovision finalists may not cope well with representing the UK in Moscow.
The composer said that if the public voted for the wrong act he "might not go" to Russia in May, adding: "I really can't be a miracle worker."

Who cares? And who cares?

“Of what use is freedom of speech to those who fear to offend”? -Roger Ebert