Showing posts with label spelling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spelling. Show all posts

Friday, 11 December 2009

Sexist steamer; Perfect parking; Good God, no God; It’s all in the details; and Eye, eye.

Just returned from the smash and grab (Tesco). Managed to avoid the internet shopping robots and the aisles filled with ‘cages’ and joy of bleedin joys they were playing Jingle firkin Bells, over the “Tannoy”, that was after scraping the frost off the car first, and peering through the fog on the way there of course.

But not as foggy as the hoo-ha surrounding the latest round of MPs expenses , Defence minister Quentin Davies is fighting for his political life amid outrage over his £20,000 expenses bill for repairing a bell tower at his lavish home.

The Grantham and Stamford MP was among the worst hit as the Commons published hundreds of thousands more receipts from claims.

His boss Gordon Brown also suffered embarrassment, revealing that he had paid back £500 for painting a summer house because the spending was "questionable".

Shadow skills secretary David Willetts claiming for replacing 10 light bulbs; senior Tory MP James Arbuthnot for £43.56 to buy three garlic peelers from shopping channel QVC; and Foreign Secretary David Miliband was pursued by his local authority for late payment of council tax.

While housing minister John Healey was facing questions over an £88,000 profit from selling his taxpayer-funded second home in July.

In total MPs claimed £10.7 million in Additional Costs Allowance in the 2008 financial year. Of the 587 MPs who made a claim, some 60 received the maximum £24,060.

Hands up all those who are totally pissed off with MPs, expenses and Christmas.


More than 1,700 scientists have signed a statement to defend global warming research.

The petition has been organised by the Met Office in the wake of the stolen emails row.

The experts became concerned after climate change sceptics seized on material taken from servers at the University of East Anglia's Climatic Research Unit to claim researchers have been manipulating evidence to support a theory of man-made global warming.

The statement signed by the scientists said: "We, members of the UK science community, have the utmost confidence in the observational evidence for global warming and the scientific basis for concluding that it is due primarily to human activities."

The move comes as representatives from 190 countries are gathered in Copenhagen for crucial UN climate change talks.

A Met Office spokesman confirmed a report in The Times that John Hirst, its chief executive, and Julia Slingo, its chief scientist, wrote to 70 colleagues on Sunday asking them to sign "to defend our profession against this unprecedented attack to discredit us and the science of climate change".

Methinks they protest too much..........

First up:

It seems that a Canadian “academic” has decided that Thomas the Tank Engine is ‘Sexist’, Shauna Wilton, a professor of political sciences at the University of Alberta, also highlighted the class divide which sees Thomas and his friends at the bottom of the social ladder and the wealthy Fat Controller at the top.

She launched her study after watching the animated programme, which is shown in over 130 countries, with her three-year-old daughter.

She then analysed the plots, characters and other aspects of 23 different episodes to draw her conclusions, which she then presented at a conference of political science in Canada.

She was critical of the fact the show only has eight female characters out of the 49 who feature.

"The female characters weren't necessarily portrayed any more negatively than the male characters or the male trains, but they did tend to play more secondary roles and they're often portrayed as being bossy or know-it-alls," she said.

Any attempt to break out of this controlled hierarchy to gain individual power, show initiative or dissent is met with punishment, usually because it goes wrong, she said.

For gods sake woman-GET A LIFE!! It’s a bloody children’s programme not Mein Kampf.

Finally science has come up with something useful- a mathematical formula to help Motorists Park perfectly.

The equation is the result of a collaboration between Vauxhall Motors and math’s professor Simon Blackburn.

Prof Blackburn, from the University of London's Royal Holloway College, came up with the formula to make even the trickiest reverse parallel parking situations a breeze.

The formula was released after a Vauxhall survey showed 57 per cent lacked confidence in their parking ability and 32 per cent would rather drive further from their destination or to a more expensive car park, purely to avoid manoeuvring into a small space.

The least confident parkers were those from Norwich, while the most confident were the Welsh.

And this is how it works:

If you understand the angles and the dimensions of your own car then you can work out how to park in a nice, confident way.

The formula begins by using the radius of a car's turning circle and the distance between the vehicle's front and back wheels.

Then, using the length of the car's nose and the width of an adjacent car the formula can tell exactly how big a space needs to be for your car to fit.

By applying this to basic parking guidelines, you can work out exactly when to turn the steering wheel to slide in perfectly.

Got it? Good, I think I’ll stick to peering out the rear window then closing my eyes and hoping.

Following the spate of “no God” adverts on London buses, the New Zealanders have caught up and are putting “no God” adverts on the side of buses.

The atheists want public donations so they can put the stickers on the side of buses in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch.

The stickers read: "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

New Zealand spokesman for the atheist bus campaign, Simon Fisher, told Radio New Zealand that he has received a number of abusive emails.

"Quite nasty ones, along the lines of, 'You're going to hell'," he said.

But Mr Fisher says he is not worried.

"For one, I don't believe in hell, so it's not too bad."

Amen to that, maybe......

A council has been ridiculed after contractors misspelt road markings on its new £116 million guided busway by painting the letter N back to front.

The 3ft white letter is painted at the entrance of the route on Milton Road in Cambridge, which should read "GUIDED BUS ONLY".

David Steel, a software test manager his 50s, took a photograph of the sign, whose backwards N looks like a symbol in the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.

Bob Menzies, head of delivery at Cambridgeshire County Council, said: "The contractor is already aware of this mistake and will be putting it right.

"They are as embarrassed about it as anybody."

The Cambridgeshire Guided Busway allows buses to travel at up to 60mph along a disused rail line using guide wheels running along concrete channels.

They can switch between road and track, allowing buses to pick up passengers from scattered villages before rejoining the 16 mile long network.

It links the town of St Ives with Cambridge City Centre and Addenbrookes Hospital.

The £116 million scheme was first proposed in 2001 to take pressure away from traffic on the notoriously congested A14 dual carriageway.

When complete it will be by far the worlds longest guided busway, more than twice the length of the current longest in Adelaide, Austrailia.

The bloke should get the sock, or do I mean sack?

And finally:

Vision Express, a chain of opticians, is to start selling the lenses after an unexpected spate of requests for monocles.

It believes most of the requests have come from young men wanting to ape the fashion of their grandfathers and great-grandfathers.

The eyepieces cost £50 and come with a metal frame, a pouch, and a string so the wearer ensures it stays around his or her neck if it slips.

Bryan Magrath, the chief executive of Vision Express, said: “To our surprise we’ve had dozens of requests from customers in the last few months, so we thought we’d bring back the monocle on a trial basis. We’re as puzzled as anyone by the interest, but we’re a responsive retailer and we are delivering. I guess it’s one of those inexplicable fashion things.”

Initially the monocles will go on sale in central London, but if they take off with young fogeys about town, the retailer will start rolling out the single lenses around the country.

That’s something to keep an eye out for.




Angus Dei politico

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

A bullet proof bear, Randy Emus, Sign language, wheel falls off Virgin and the Wookey Witch (result)

Guess what: it’s raining again, I don’t need a sun bed I have rust, and am a nice shade of ……well rust.

First up:

BOULDER, Colo. — it took three rounds from a shotgun, five bullets from a handgun and two shots from a rifle to kill the 120-pound black bear that broke into a Boulder County home early Monday morning.

The bear break-in was the fifth time in a week hungry bears have gotten into Boulder County residences, all while the residents were home. That has wildlife officials urging area residents to take precautions and bear proof their homes.

Brenda Fischer's barking dog woke her at about 2 a.m. Monday morning. When she went upstairs to investigate, she found a bear in the kitchen of her home on Poorman Road, between Sunshine and Fourmile canyons.

Fischer quickly returned downstairs to wake her two children and her husband.

"As soon as I moved to try and make a place for him to get out, he charged me," Fischer continued. "That's when I shot him and he kept charging me. I shot him a second time, and he kept charging me. I shot him a third time and he was finally disoriented enough for me to get away."

The first two rounds from the 12-gauge shotgun were birdshot and the third was rubber bullets, according to a report by the sheriff's office. The Fischers escaped through a bedroom window, leaving the wounded bear inside the house.

When officers arrived on the scene at about 2:30 a.m., they found a bloody bear trying to claw his way through a screen door.

Sheriff's Sgt. Lance Enholm, after determining that the bear was severely injured and would need to be put down, fired his .45-caliber handgun five more times at the animal.

"(The first shot) struck the bear in the head, and it immediately reacted and began flopping around and growling," Enholm wrote in his report. "... I fired another round from my handgun, again striking the bear in the head. This didn't appear to have any impact on the bear, and it kept coming towards me."

It was shot number nine, however, this time from the sergeant's .223-caliber rifle, that finally felled the bear; a final round ended the bear's suffering, according to the police report.

And I get annoyed when a fly gets in.

Seven-year-old Edward the emu, from Katherine, 300 kilometres south of Darwin, has been sitting on an empty nest and trying to round up his female owner, Patrena Arriston, whenever she comes close.

"It's starting to get a bit frustrated and when I go in there to pet it or feed the chooks and stuff like that, I sort of get rounded up," Ms Arriston said last week.

She appealed for anyone with a truck or trailer to help deliver a female emu, located 800 kilometres away, to Katherine to give Edward some much-needed company.

Today, Ms Arriston said a trailer should be available for use by the weekend.

"Hopefully we're going to get that at the end of the week.”

And hopefully, so is Edward.

Rothschild Village (Wisconsin) President Neal Torney says he's used to people misspelling his first name, but on Friday, such carelessness left him baffled.

The state just erected a new sign on Interstate 39, and the only word spelled correctly on the giant, green billboard is "exit," a fact that has local officials and residents dumbfounded.

"How do I politely say it shows some incompetence on someone's part?" Torney said in between laughs over the sign, which reads "Exit 185 Buisness 51 Rothschield Schofeild."

Greg Frank, general manager at Decker Supply Co. of Madison, the firm that manufactured the sign for the Wisconsin Department of Transportation , said the company takes full responsibility and will pay to make the I go before E in "Schofield" and make other fixes.

Frank said the company is working to have the sign corrected today. The cost of removing and rearranging the lettering will be minimal, he said.

He also promised to double check the work before hanging the repaired sign.

If that was done in the UK they would get a “B” or even an "A" minus

I believe I have mentioned Tricky Dicky Branson’s problems with transport such as High altitude balloons and Atlantic crossing speedboats, now it seems that the Virgin Curse has spread to his airlines.

The Boeing 737 was preparing for take off when a wheel fell off, nobody was hurt in Saturday's incident on a Sydney-bound plane which was taxiing towards the runway at Melbourne airport, the Australian Transport Safety Bureau said.

"The axle between the two wheels has fractured and that's caused the right front wheel to separate," a bureau spokesman said. "I understand that as a precaution Virgin Blue has inspected their fleet."

The Australian Licensed Aircraft Engineers Association said the incident, which is being probed by safety investigators, could have been catastrophic.

"In this case, we were lucky that the failure occurred on the ground. The release of the wheel assembly in-flight could have seen a loss of aircraft," association secretary Steve Purvinashe said.

"Unless action is taken, future incidences could be much more serious."

They certainly could, you might have to eat the food.

And finally:

Wookey Witch watches her hole

The new employee at Wookey Hole has taken up residence in her cave, 3124 Witches applied for the broomstick including 278 mothers in law and the lucky spellbinder is……… estate agent, Carole Bohanan who will be known as Carla Calamity, the Witch of Wookey Hole.

Miss Calamity, who admits to being several hundred years old — it would be impolite to ask how many — beat 300 other witches to the most coveted job in covendom.

Miss Calamity, who wore sparkly stilettos and described herself as a “glamorous witch”, will now give up her job selling homes and instead greet visitors to the limestone cave complex. She said that the £50,000 a year pro rata salary was only appropriate for the best witch in the business.

The broomstick was passed by Jane Brenner, Wookey’s witch for the past six years. Mrs Brenner said: “We didn’t want anyone who would scare the children. We wanted a good witch to meet and greet people and act as an ambassador for the attraction. This isn’t just a cushy job.”

The contenders were whittled down from 300 to a final 15 who included a photographer, a dive master, an aromatherapist, a local journalist, a tattooist and a stonemason.

The queue began to form at 5am. First to audition was Sharon Shaw, who calls herself a “hedge witch”. She was dressed in brown sacking, accessorised with a bleached rabbit skull and a piece of antler hanging from the metal belt around her generous waist.

Another, forgetting that her role was to welcome young children to the caves, said she had been going for “the zombie septicaemia look, with a little bit of leprosy”.

John Turner, another of the judges, was understandably nervous at the consequences of failing to pick the right candidate. He said: “One candidate is carrying around a bottle of her own urine.

She drank half of it before we could stop her.”

Wonky Wookey Witch?


Angus Dei politico


Wednesday, 17 June 2009


WIND POWERED WARSHIP A Royal Navy captain has banned Brussels sprouts from his warship, HMS Bulwark, because he loathes them so much.

Commanding Officer Wayne Keble OBE says sprouts are prohibited and labelled them the "devil's vegetable".

His orders mean no-one on board – including his 390-strong team of sailors and Royal Marines – are allowed to eat them.

Capt Keble disclosed details his ban after he was asked to confirm reports he had banned fried foods from his ship.

He said: "The only thing I have banned on board is Brussels sprouts. They are the devil's vegetable and the only thing I do not like, and the only thing I hate.

And this guy is in charge of an Albion-class landing platform dock the UK's newest class of amphibious assault warship.

Miserable old fart.

Talking of miserable people: A traffic warden slapped a £75 tcket on a car because the disabled parking badge was upside down, Ron Padwick, 76, a great grandfather, placed the parking permit on his dashboard with all the details visible, but accidentally left the card facing the driver's seat.

He had a cup of tea with a friend and returned 15 minutes later to find a penalty notice stuck on the windscreen of his blue BMW, which had been parked in a disabled bay in Leominster, Worcester.

The witless warden also left a note on the windscreen saying that his badge was not “displayed in the correct manner”.

Herefordshire Council have refused to back down on the fine because they say the rules on its display are clearly laid out on issue.

A spokesperson said: "All blue badge holders are requested to display their badge the right way around so that the expiry date is visible.

"Instructions on how to display the badge are clearly laid out in the terms and conditions of use issued with the pass.

"If it is not displayed properly, this may result in a penalty notice being issued.

"Regarding the case under discussion, the badge was displayed the wrong way around, which is why a penalty notice was issued."

Miserable old farts

The wedding's off Haylie Hocking, 27, was all set to marry her strapping 30-year-old fitness fanatic Jason Brake until a friend organising her hen night searched online for a male stripper and spotted Jason with a woman in a porn movie.

Now Haylie has called her vicar to cancel the wedding.

She said: "There was no way I could marry an adult film star."

She told a magazine she found he was a romantic, thoughtful and passionate lover and six months after meeting he moved into her flat in Bristol.

Jason, who regularly bought her flowers and jewellery, often went away at weekends, telling her he was training clients in a gym.

After eight months, he proposed and bought her a diamond engagement ring.

But Jason's secret emerged when Haylie's friend Lisa tried to book a stripper for a hen party.
Lisa stumbled across a movie clip in which the male star looked like Jason.

Haylie checked the website - and realised it was Jason.

After he finally admitted he was earning money from making porn, she called off the wedding.
Haylie said: "I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again."

Jason said “I am sorry and did not want to hurt her. I still love Haylie and would have stopped doing porn if she had asked me to."

He added that he would be honest with women in future relationships.

Dirty little fiancé.

Starry starry night A Belgian teenager is suing a tattooist for £10,000 after claiming she woke up with 56 stars on her face.

Kimberley Vlaminck, 18, claims Rouslan Toumaniantz spoke such bad English and French that he misunderstood her at the Tattoo Boy studio in Courtrai, Belgium.

She claims she fell asleep while the tattooist went to work and woke up to find 56 stars on her face.

"It is horrible," sobbed Kimberley. "He has turned me into a freak. I can't go out on the street now without people looking at me."

However, Mr Toumaniantz insists she "got what she wanted" - and only complained when her dad got angry and her boyfriend dumped her.

Miss Vlaminch wants compensation to undergo laser treatment to remove the tattoos, but even after the treatment - that will cost upwards of 10,000 Euros, she is likely to be left with scars for life.

How the hell can you fall asleep having a tattoo done, let alone 56?

Star struck or what.

And finally:

Spilling mistaks The most commonly misspelt word in English is 'definitely' with many of us incorrectly writing it as 'definately', says a study.

Other problem words include sacrilegious, indict and bureaucracy, reports the Daily Mirror.
More than 30% of those polled blamed text messaging for the mistakes while 42% think poor spellers are "thick"., which polled 5,000 people, said: "Technology is contributing to our inability to spell."

The top 10 misspelt words: 1 Definitely; 2 Sacrilegious; 3 Indict; 4 Manoeuvre; 5 Bureaucracy; 6 Broccoli; 7 Phlegm; 8 Prejudice; 9 Consensus; 10 Unnecessary.

And if you are a relly bad speller, here is a quiz-Correct the spelling mistake quiz


NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico