Showing posts with label spider. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spider. Show all posts

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Osborne -“up yours”: Fire breathing bridge: Gull wing Numpty: Hade’s hole: and a very, very big De Daw.

Many many minus numbers on the liquid metal gauge, layers of scrapey scrapey stuff, not even a whimsy of atmospheric movement and just a hint of dawn’s crack at the Castle this morn.

George (I’m not in it at all so fuck you) Osborne allegedly did not realise a car he was travelling in was parked in a disabled bay at a motorway service station-according to Aunty.
The Daily Mirror published a photograph of the chancellor getting into a Land Rover parked in the marked bay at Magor services on the M4 near Newport.
But a Treasury source said Mr Osborne had been dropped off to buy lunch.
The unmarked police Land Rover was not driven by the chancellor at any point, added the source.
The incident is understood to have taken place on Wednesday as the chancellor returned from a speaking engagement at a nursery in Cardiff.
The Treasury source told the BBC the chancellor had got into the car and left the scene without realising that it had been parked in the bay.

Knob head.....


Opened on March 29, the 38th anniversary of the liberation of Da Nang City, the 666 meter long, 37.5 meter wide bridge has six lanes for traffic and two pedestrian sidewalks. The steel arch bridge weighs up to 1,000 tons, making it the biggest in the whole world.

But that’s not all. The Dragon Bridge is outfitted with a modern lighting system that includes 15,000 Philips LED lights that make it brilliantly change colours. In addition, the dragon is capable of releasing bursts of fire or sprays of water from its mouth.

Rubbery, or should that be jubbery…..


A hapless mechanic is facing a £500,000 bill after pranging a customer's prized classic Mercedes sports car on an unofficial test drive.
The rare 1954 300SL sports car - with its distinctive gull wing doors - had been left at the garage in Pleidelsheim, Germany, for a routine service.
But mechanic Gilsroy Mansen, 26, couldn't resist taking it for a spin and lost control of the 220 bhp vehicle on a bend, say police.
Witnesses say the collector's car - capable of 161 mph - rolled over several times when Mansen skidded trying to overtake another car at high speed.
"To everyone's astonishment, not least the driver's, he walked away without a scratch, which is a testament to how well these old cars were built.
"The driver was more worried about what he was going to say to the owner than he was about himself," said one police crash investigator.
"But sadly the car is in a very sorry state, pretty much destroyed.

"Any ordinary vehicle would be a write off but because this is so rare this mechanic can expect a very large repair bill," they added.

Hope the Numpty has insurance.....

Allegedly archaeologists have unearthed the remnants of an ancient mythological cave, ominously described as being the ‘gate to hell.'
The team behind the dig located the portal recently in the ancient Phrygian city of Hierapolis –referred to as the entryway to Hell by Cicero and Greek geographer Strabo.

As the Greek philosopher explained in his writing, the entrance of the cave spews noxious vapours that kill anything in their path.

"Any animal that passes inside meets instant death," he wrote.

"I threw in sparrows and they immediately breathed their last and fell."
This space is full of a vapour so misty and dense that one can scarcely see the ground," he added.

Upon excavation of the site, archaeologists also found Ionic semi-columns that had inscriptions of dedication to the deities of the underworld, Pluto and Kore.

Priests, who would have been hallucinating under the influence of the fumes, would sacrifice bulls to Pluto by leading the animals into the toxic cave, before dragging them out dead, the archaeologist explained.

“We could see the cave’s lethal properties during the excavation,” D’Andria said.

“Several birds died as they tried to get close to the arm opening, instantly killed by the carbon dioxide fumes.”

And they blame us for global warming...

And finally:

Scientists have “discovered” a bloody great big venomous Tarantula which is apparently the size of a human face, its legs, which have unique daffodil-yellow markings, span a massive 20cm (eight inches). The arachnid also has a distinctive pink band around its body.
The new species was found in the war-torn north of the South Asian country by scientists from Sri Lanka's Biodiversity Education and Research (BER) organisation.
It has been named Poecilotheria rajaei, in recognition of a senior police officer called Michael Rajakumar Purajah, who guided the research team through a hazardous jungle overrun by civil unrest in order to seek out the spider.

I think you would need a roll of wallpaper to sort that one out....


And today’s thought:
Grand National Lasagne



Friday, 10 August 2012

All piss and wind U-Turn Cam: Sixty per cent law: Moose has a swing: Tomato wine: No fun in the Big Apple: and an ‘ere-‘ere De-daw.

More than a lot of solar stuff, nary an iota of atmospheric movement and even less wet stuff at the Castle this morn, the liquid metal in the gauge has gorn all Olympic and is trying to reach the gold gong at the top of the tube and I managed to do some serious vandalism in the garden yester aftermorn and now I have another load for the “recycling centre”.

And the formatting thingy on blogger seems to have a mind of its own today.

Our fearless bleader has more important things on his mind than actually doing his fucking job because the noise from the beach volleyball is keeping him awake.
The Prime Monster reckons that 'It's all very amusing for five minutes until you try to get the children to sleep. They have Moves like Jagger every sort of ten minutes. There are particular DJs, who do particular things,'
Aaron Copeland's 1942 classic Fanfare for the Common Man is another favourite on the loop of songs being played at Horse Guards Parade, along with Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera hit song Moves like Jagger an aide noted.
And Dave has had a pop at Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte because they have been peeing in the Olympic swimming pool before their swims he weighed in saying: 'I was quite surprised by that. It is not OK to pee in the pool.'

Yeah right Knob Head; never had a slash in the swimming pool yourself-eh...

About 40% of crimes reported to a police force in the most recent year were not investigated, figures reveal.
Of 91,532 incidents reported to Devon and Cornwall Police during the 2011/12 financial year, 36,575 were not investigated after initial assessment.
The Freedom of Information (FOI) figures showed that investigations shelved by officers included about 11,000 reports of criminal damage, 4,000 thefts from vehicles and 3,700 burglaries.
The rate was a rise from the previous year's figure of about 34% of some 86,000 cases not going forward.
The force said that all crimes reported to them "received an appropriate level of investigation".
The Police Federation claimed it showed that cuts were affecting policing and the force was failing crime victims.

Or maybe it’s because they can’t be bothered to get out of their comfortable BMWs and do what they are paid for.....

Police were called when residents spotted a moose tangled in chains outside a home in Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City in Utah.

Utah deputy Lane Findlay was told it would take at least an hour for wildlife officers to arrive, so tried to free the distressed and bleeding animal himself.

He handed his mobile phone to onlookers and asked them to video the scene, saying: "If something happens to me, give this to my wife."

Sgt Findlay eventually managed to free the struggling animal using a pair of bolt cutters.

The tangled swing fell to the ground and the moose trotted to a nearby bucket of water and began drinking, then collapsed from exhaustion.

Sgt Findlay spent an hour spraying down the animal with a hose before wildlife officers arrived to treat the animal.

What does he want-a bleedin medal....

Pascal Miche, a wine maker from Quebec, Canada, uses tomatoes to create an unusual yet increasingly popular vintage. His secret lies in a four-generations-old Belgian family recipe.
A former pork butcher, Pascal Miche moved from Belgium to Canada’s Quebec province, seven years ago and decided to go through with his idea of commercializing his grandfather’s precious wine, made according to an old recipe. He finally kick started his business in 2009, planted his “vineyard” and began making tomato wine.
For his Omerto wine, named after his grandfather, Omer, he uses subarctic, yellow and black cherry tomatoes, chosen for their bountiful yield and gustative properties.

According to sommeliers, Omerto tomato wine has a ”hint of fruit, zesty aspects, familiar in cakes… a bit honey-sweet, which could be very good with deserts and spicy foods,” and is often compared to a sweet Pineau des Charentes.

Who says there are no wine snobs....?

City officials pulled the plug on a vibrator giveaway by the Trojan condom company yesterday, disappointing potentially thousands of pleasure-seeking women who hoped to get their hands on some no-cost sex toys.
“I’m 57 years old. I should be able to get a vibrator!” declared Linda Postell, who was among hundreds of women (and men!) waiting in the heat on Pearl Street only to be left unsatisfied. “I have a problem with the smoking ban, and the soda ban — and now this!”
Trojan sent tingles of excitement across the city when it announced the giveaway of some 10,000 vibrating sex toys from hot-dog-style pushcarts.
Trojan began by handing out about 400 free vibrators without incident on Sixth Avenue in Rockefeller Centre between 11 a.m. and noon.
The giveaways were scheduled to start at 4 p.m. in the Flatiron District and near the South Street Seaport.
As carts arrived at each location, nearly 300 women and quite a number of guys queued up.
But instead of climaxing in a successful giveaway, the promotion was prematurely interrupted by City Hall, which sent a dark-suited representative to put the squeeze on Trojan’s “Pleasure Carts.”
The spoilsport, who declined to identify himself, told Trojan’s reps at the Flatiron location that they had to shut down because of the size of the crowd that had gathered.

Ah, the old too many people enjoying themselves ploy....

A woman who checked into China's Changsha Central Hospital Wednesday (Aug. 8) with an itchy ear learned she had a small spider dwelling in her ear canal, according to news reports. It had crawled inside five days earlier while she slept.
At the hospital, pictures of the patient's ear canal revealed a stocky, hairy, four-eyed arachnid peering out at the camera, much to doctors' and the patient's surprise.
Amid concerns that disturbing the spider would cause it to "instinctively drill its barbs deeper, scratching the ear canal," local news sources reported that doctors succeeded in removing the creature by pouring saline solution into the ear canal and flushing it out.
As the spider's outstretched foot emerged from her ear, the patient, identified only as "Ms. Lee," reportedly "almost started crying

I’d have been running round the ceiling by then...

That’s it: I’m orf to buy a Meshworm 

And today’s thought:
Chase me-Olympics


Saturday, 30 June 2012

Royal Fail strikes again: “national retirement service”: Talking toilet mints: $168,000 a bottle plonk: Big jumping De-daw: and searching for Mokele-mbeme.

Wet, cold, dingy and dismal at the Castle this morn, the Honda is still covered in yellow stuff despite the skywater, his Maj is sulking on the sofa and the elbow is finally fixed.

The Royal Fail has come up with another Cupid Stunt ploy to screw the public.
They have cut nearly 6,500 collections at the UK’s 115,000 post boxes last year, and brought forward final collection times at thousands more post boxes to save money.
In some rural parts of the country the last post is now being picked up as early as nine in the morning, Royal Mail admitted.
Royal Mail cut collections at nearly 6,453 post boxes and moved the last post to earlier in the day at 4,287 post boxes in the 12 months to 27 February 2012.

I suppose they have to pay for postman Pat’s pensions somehow.....

Ex Prime Monster’s Big Society tsar “Lord” (U-Turn Cam is my mate) Wei reckons that Baby boomers should be encouraged to complete “national service” for pensioners after they retire.
And that old farts should be working part-time, volunteering for charities, or sharing their business experience with young entrepreneurs would help older people avoid boredom in retirement.
A pilot project is being established to develop the “national retirement service” concept, which would begin by targeting new pensioners on cruises, or other holidays and leisure activities.
They would then be encouraged to make contact with others in the same age group living nearby to discuss what to do with the years ahead.
Lord Wei’s plan could win support in government as ministers are sympathetic to moves to encourage older people to volunteer in retirement.
The Tory peer said ensuring 55-65 year-olds continue to be engaged in the lives of younger people was essential to avoid “war” between generations.
His plan followed a call from the minister for civil society, Nick Hurd, who suggested last year that the baby boom generation should volunteer when they retire instead of spending all their free time playing golf.

Fuck orf you pair of twats; aren’t fifty bleedin years working your nuts orf enough for you Thatcher generation Pillocks...

Michigan is hoping to keep drunks off the road with the help from a special bathroom message.
The state says talking urinal-deodorizer cakes have been distributed to Michigan Licensed Beverage Association members in Wayne, Bay, Ottawa and Delta counties. A recorded message will play reminding men who step up to the urinals to call a cab or a friend, if needed, to get home safely.
The messages are part of a state wide Fourth of July education and enforcement effort. A kickoff is planned Monday at Detroit pub The Old Shillelagh.

What abaht the “ladies” then....

The most expensive wine ever sold directly from a winery will go on sale this week, from the Australian vintner Penfolds. The limited edition release of the 2004 Penfolds Block 42 Cabernet Sauvignon is priced at $168,000 a bottle.
The wine’s distinctive price comes from its rarity. The wine was made from the oldest producing cabernet sauvignon vines in the world, transplanted from France to Australia in the 1830s.
Later planted at the Kalimna Vineyard in the Barossa Valley, northeast of Adelaide, the vines today provide unequalled juice, but little of it. Only 12 bottles of the 2004 vintage will be sold.
To add further cachet, Penfolds commissioned an ampoule of scientific grade glass to hold it from three Australian artists: Nick Mount, who designed and hand-blew the glass; silversmith Hendrik Forster, who prepared the precious metal detailing; and furniture craftsman Andrew Bartlett, made the bespoke Jarrah cabinet.

Wonder what Danger Mouse would say.....

And finally:

A team of explorers is setting out to discover once and for all whether Africa’s monster known as Mokele-mbeme is fact or fiction.
The team of Dino hunters arrived in the Congo capital of Brazzaville on Tuesday with an array of firearms for protection.
‘It would be wholly unwise to travel where we are going without firearms,’ said spokesman for the group Joe Marrero, 28.
‘We plan to be in the jungle for three months searching for the mokele and other new species and can only carry so much food.’
He and two others - expedition leader and biologist Stephen McCullah, 21, and Sam Newton, 22, all from the US - begin their search next month.

Good luck with that...

And today’s thought;
I'll scratch my bum wimbledon.


Tuesday, 28 April 2009


Waiting for the laptop to crash, hasn’t yet, I have removed one of the memory modules after some swapping around, and so far so good.

The only snag is that it is running at half speed until I replace the module.

First up, good news and bad news, a pregnant woman in Colorado Springs was in the woods and managed to escape a bear that was chasing her (good news), the only snag is that she ran onto a road and was hit by a car (bad news).

Good news is that she is OK; bad news is that the driver buggered off and left her Animal weirdness

Such is life.

More good news, bad news; a woman in Detroit heard her neighbours burglar alarm go off and went to the window to see what was happening, there were three men outside, one of them fired at her, the bullet went through the window and hit her in the chest (bad news), the bullet bounced off the underwire in her bra and she sustained no injury (good news), the suspects drove off after the shooting

Wonder if they drove to Colorado Springs?

Let it all hang out!

Voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps have banned naked hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region.

By a show of hands citizens of the tiny canton of Appenzell Inner Rhodes voted overwhelmingly at their traditional open-air annual assembly to impose a $176 fine on violators.

Only a scattering of people on Sunday opposed the ban on the back-to-nature activity that took off last autumn.

The cantonal government recommended the ban after determining that citizens had found nude hiking to be "thoroughly disturbing and irritating."

A similar legal move is expected in neighbouring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against "this shameless behavior."

And finally;

Telegraph A man had to be rescued after setting the front of his house on fire while trying to kill a spider with a lighter.

Firefighters say the man, in his 40s, had been trying to set fire to the spider as it crawled up the front of the semi-detached property
But sparks reached material behind the cladding and caused a fire within the walls, shortly before midnight.
Three fire engines raced to the scene in Portsmouth, Hants, and found the man trying to put out the flames with a garden hose.
Firefighters in breathing apparatus removed the cladding and spent two hours putting the fire out.
Watch manager Steve Pearce said: "The man was trying to put the fire out with a garden hose when we arrived.
"The whole thing had clearly scared the life out of him.

"There was a gap in the cladding where he was trying to kill the spider and so the sparks got through to the material behind and started spreading upwards towards the roof.

"Our concern was that it would reach the roof and the property would be lost.

"We sent firefighters up into the loft to put it out and fortunately we were able to stop it in time.
"Surprisingly there wasn't much damage to the house other than to the cladding.

"We obviously had a chat with the man but I don't think he'll be doing this again."