Showing posts with label taking the piss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label taking the piss. Show all posts

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Hanger mouth and women: Taking the piss: The Old Dark lord and a certain paedophile: B&Q flash dance: Pissing Rio: lots of pancakes: Prezza does the forecast: and ladies sauntering.

Lots of white frosty stuff mixed in with a touch of misty stuff at the Castle this morn, my free “home energy monitor” arrived from my leccy supplier yesterday and, after spending quite a while reading the instructions (which were it seems written by the same bloke who does Ikea’s nonsensical flat pack stuff), managed to finally get it working, after sending the butler into the bowels of the dungeon to attach the “wireless do-dah to the meter, and now I can’t stop watching the bloody thing.
I keep turning things on and then rushing to see the “speedometer” leap up the scale, the sad bit is that I don’t have a bleedin clue what all the readings mean.
But I have worked out that when I put the kettle on for a cuppa it zooms up to 34p, but when I put my milky coffee into the microwave it only goes up to 22p.
Ergo-it is cheaper to make a cuppa in Mandy the microwave than use Kevin the kettle…I think.

And my lovely young lady is coming to cut my remaining locks today, must put the kettle on……..

 Cherie Blair is to lead a Labour group looking at improving the lives of women in the developing world.
The wife of former Prime Minister Tony Blair said she wanted to make a "real difference" in areas such as education and healthcare.
Labour leader Ed Miliband has called for "profound" changes to the party's policies and organisation.
The announcement of Mrs Blair's role comes ahead of the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day on Tuesday.
In November, Mr Miliband said Labour would be looking at all areas of policy, as they seek a return to power following the loss of the general election.
Mrs Blair's work will be overseen by Harriet Harman, the shadow international development secretary and Labour deputy leader.

That’s fucked that up then.

As a British citizen, Emdadur Choudhury enjoys benefits including a free council flat and almost £800 a month state handouts.
Yesterday he laughed at justice as he was handed a paltry £50 fine for setting light to poppies on Remembrance Day and yelling ‘British soldiers burn in hell’.
After hearing his penalty, which outraged war veterans, the 26-year-old father of two declared: ‘I don’t have any respect for British soldiers, and if they lose a limb or two in Afghanistan then they deserve it. You expect me to feel sorry for them? Of course I don’t.’


I see that the old Dark lord is keeping schtum over the extent of his contact with disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein.
The former Business Secretary did not respond to questions about why the convicted paedophile’s ‘little black book’ featured ten entries for him and his partner Reinaldo da Silva.
The inclusion of Lord Mandelson and an office address for Tony Blair has raised questions about the extent of his relationship with the Labour government.
But last night – some 48 hours after the link between Epstein and Lord Mandelson emerged – the former Labour spin doctor was still refusing to comment about his dealings with the disgraced billionaire.

See evil, speak no evil hear no evil.

Sid Prior B&Q’s oldest employee (allegedly) put on his dancing shoes as B&Q workers around the country took part in a co-ordinated "flash mob" routine for charity.

Sid joined around 100 fellow workers and weekend shoppers for a five-minute boogie to the Black Eyed Peas' tune I've Got A Feeling.
Mr Prior, who works part-time at the store in New Malden, Greater London, as a 'greeter' said: "It was very enjoyable. I thought I might have to tango, but it was in the style of the YMCA. I was throwing my arms around and twisting about."

Sid is the man……

More than 200 people have been arrested during Rio's Carnival that is under way for relieving themselves in the street, underlining authorities' determination to clean up the city that will be host to the 2016 Olympic Games.
"Two hundred and fourteen people have been arrested over the weekend.... We are going to constantly fight those urinating in the street. Such a lack of respect for the city and its citizens in unacceptable," the municipal official in charge public order, Alex Costa, told the G1 news website Monday.
The detentions follow on from last year, when authorities launched a campaign to stop the widespread practice of beer-swilling Carnival revelers -- most of them men -- answering the call of nature in doorways, between cars and other public areas.
In tandem with their "Zero Tolerance for Pissing," as the campaign is called, they have established portable toilets in many of the most popular areas.
Still, long lines at the toilets prompted many to complain to there weren't enough to meet the pressing demand. Despite the risk of arrest, several people were still seen taking a leak in out-of-the way corners.
Authorities have promised to increase the number of portable toilets in the future.

Wonder what the fine is for spending a “real” centavo?

Melbourne chef has set a new Australian record on Shrove Tuesday for the tallest standing stack of pancakes.
Chef Andy Wrobel piled 55 buckwheat pancakes to form a 61 centimetre tower in Melbourne this morning.
Mr Wrobel says he is disappointed he did not break the world record of 74 centimetres.
"Today wasn't a bad effort. It was one of our better stacks," he said.
"We decided to do this six or eight weeks ago and we've been making all kinds of pancakes. We were doing the chocolate, buckwheat and the buttermilk pancakes."
Mr Wrobel says the buckwheat pancakes are the easiest ones to stack.

Shrove Tuesday eh: must rush out and buy a lemon.

Who has apparently kept a keen ear on the weather bulletins during his days at sea as a bar ship steward is to read the Radio 4 shipping forecast.
The former Deputy Prime Minister is to present the "late ships" forecast later this month - the first time anyone other than a BBC announcer has done so.
His guest slot on the 00.48am broadcast on Saturday March 19 is in support of Red Nose Day, and sprang from a joke on Twitter.

He will of course be changing the names of the shipping areas to-
Vomiting, North Upyours, South Upyours, Fortifying, Crohn's, Food, Mine, Hot Dogger, Fisher and chips, German sausage Bite, Humble, dinner Thames, Dover sole, Wight fish, Bottle of Portland, Plymouth Gin, Chocolate Biscays, Trafalgar cutlets, Fitzroy Café, More Sole, Lindy candy, Fastfood, Irish stew, Shannon all day breakfast, Rockall Salmon, Malingering, Hebrides scallops, Bailey in a bottle, Fare Isle guillemot, Faeroes mutton, and Southeast Ice cream.

And finally:

Ladies sauntering.

And today’s thought: A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.


Thursday, 22 October 2009

A nice quiet hobby; Evening all aliens: Big Balls; No Hugging: and Anyone seen my bum?

Just got back from the local smash and grab (Tesco), what a shambles, they have decided to turn the entrance into an obstacle course with holes in the floor and a massive steel frame which looks like they are going to move the whole entrance fifteen feet outwards, went in and was confronted by Halloween stuff, fireworks and Christmas stuff (which has been there since September) staggered round avoiding the robot internet “shoppers” and their trolleys as well as the cages full of goods and the cleaning machine guided by a Russian; got my gruel and used one of the three out of six “self service checkouts” that were working.

Decided to put some liquid gold in the car, couldn’t even get onto the forecourt, they have about twenty odd pumps, six of which were working most of them were coned off so I came home, kicked the cat and threw stones at the blue tits.

I do love shopping.

The EU is impinging on our sovereign status again according to the Telegraph by forcing the UK to take a greater number of asylum seekers under EU plans that would create a Europe-wide common asylum policy with uniform criteria for deciding on cases.

Here’s a hint for any illegal if they manage to get in, buy a pet and you will be able to enjoy our high standard of living without fear of being sent “home”

Haven’t commented on the Postal strike, no point, I had a chat with my local postie yesterday; he didn’t know what was happening and likened the CWU demands to the money given to the banks, yeah right.

Enough of the ‘Real World’.

First up:

Need a nice quiet hobby, one that you can do outdoors? Try Anvil Shooting the pastime, which has a small but passionate following in the southern and western United States, is largely self-explanatory: using gunpowder to fire an anvil up to 200 feet in the air. It is also known as anvil launching and anvil firing.

There is even a world champion anvil shooter, a burly Missourian with the unlikely name of Gay Wilkinson.

It involves placing one anvil upside-down on the ground, filling a brick-shaped cavity in its underside with black powder, and then carefully – with a thick paper patch to prevent sparks – placing another on top of it.

Then the anvil-shooter lights the fuse and runs as fast as he can out of the blast radius.

Although the hefty 100lb anvil reaches an impressive height – Mr Wilkinson claims 200 feet is about the record – it tends to be return to Earth fairly close to where it started. Presumably wind drift is not a significant problem.

Watch the video, all the family can join in and your neighbours will love you, but don’t try it on your balcony if you live in a flat.

Close encounter?

A police officer contacted British UFO experts after seeing three aliens examining a freshly made crop circle near Avebury, Wiltshire.

The sergeant, who has not been named, was off-duty when he saw the figures standing in a field near Silbury Hill, and stopped his car to investigate.

However, as he approached the 'men' – all over 6ft tall with blond hair – he heard "the sound of static electricity" and the trio ran away ''faster than any man he had ever seen''.

''The figures were all over 6ft and had blond hair. They seemed to be inspecting the crop. When he got to the edge of the field he heard what he believed to be a sound not dissimilar to static electricity.

''This crackling noise seemed to be running through the field and the crop was moving gently, close to where the noise was.

''He shouted to the figures that, at first, ignored him, not glancing at him. When he tried to enter the field they looked up and began running.

''He said; 'They ran faster than any man I have ever seen. I'm no slouch but they were moving so fast. I looked away for a second and when I looked back they were gone.

''I then got scared. The noise was still around but I got an uneasy feeling and headed for the car. For the rest of the day I had a pounding headache I couldn't shift.''

Nice to see you... to see you nice.

Former Headingley Correctional Centre inmate Joseph Mason says he broke his leg playing volleyball because jail officials wouldn't give him a new pair of shoes.

Mason has filed a lawsuit against the province, alleging jail officials issued him "worn and unsafe" shoes and rejected his pleas for new ones.

According to a statement of claim filed earlier this month, Mason was playing volleyball in the jailhouse gym on Oct. 11, 2007, when he slipped on the wood floor and broke his leg.

Prisoners at the jail are not allowed to wear their own shoes and are provided jail-issue footwear.

Prior to the accident, Mason "repeatedly requested new shoes ... Each time ... his request was denied," says the statement of claim.

Mason "was told by a representative or employee of HCC that the shoes he had 'looked good' or were otherwise satisfactory."

Mason alleges the jail failed to take "reasonable or adequate measures" to ensure his safety and allowed the gym floor to "become or remain slippery and in an unsafe and dangerous condition."

Mason's lawyer David Soper declined comment on the lawsuit.

Mason is suing for general and special damages, plus costs.

If he wins they should take the cost of his prison stay out of the award.

From down under:- ADELAIDE, Australia - An Australian elementary school has banned hugging and other displays of affection between preteen boys and girls to set a good example for younger students, the principal said Tuesday.

Students at Largs Bay Primary School in the southern city of Adelaide were spoken to about "inappropriate behaviour" between boyfriends and girlfriends when the new school term opened last week, said Principal Julie Gale.

"We set strong standards of behaviour for our Year 6 and 7 students, who are seen as role models by our younger students," Gale said in a statement emailed to The Associated Press, referring to the school's oldest students, ages 11 to 13.

She said hugging between friends was not banned "but we do discourage displays of affection in the school yard among students ... who have a boyfriend or girlfriend at the school."

The hugging ban mirrors restrictions by some U.S. schools that have also outlawed hugs, kisses and physical horseplay in an attempt to prevent groping or injury and maintain the seriousness of the environment.

The Largs Bay ban came to public attention after some parents contacted the local newspaper to complain that the policy was too strict. Gale said she had not been approached by any parents about the policy.

The punishment for breaking the hug ban was not clear.

Steve Portlock of the South Australia Primary Principals Association said the policy was "common sense."

"One of the things that's important for schools to do is to talk to students about what's appropriate behaviour and what's inappropriate, whether it be about language or the things they wear and certainly in this case about the way boys and girls interact, especially when it comes to the stage of being boyfriends and girlfriends," Portlock said.

Yeah, that is really going to work isn’t it?

And finally:

Is my bum down there?
A Japanese chap is a bit browned off after a hospital wrongly diagnosed him with rectal cancer, whipped out the offending section of digestive tract and fitted an artificial replacement.

According to the Mainichi Daily, the poor bloke had surgery back in March at a university hospital in western Miyazaki prefecture to remove a tumour, but subsequent tests on the excised tissue showed no signs of the suspected cancer.

The unnamed victim has now filed an action in Miyazaki District Court looking to take the hospital for 35 million yen (around £231k). A hospital spokesman confirmed: "We realise the complaint has been filed. We will take appropriate action after examining the case."

Nice to see that they did the tests after the op.




Angus Dei politico