Showing posts with label todger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label todger. Show all posts

Saturday, 23 May 2009


First up-animal rights Late-night noise from spinning wind turbines on an outlying island of Taiwan may have killed 400 goats over the past three years by depriving them of sleep, an agricultural inspection official said on Thursday.

After the eight turbines were installed in the notoriously windy Penghu archipelago in the Taiwan Strait, a neighbouring farmer reported that his goats had started dying, Council of Agriculture inspection official Lu Ming-tseng said.

I’ve had that trouble; it’s all to do with the whining noise coming from the Houses of Parliament, and I live 40 miles away, maybe that’s where the hum is coming from.

Animal wrongs: Beekeepers are suspected of stealing hives out of desperation at dwindling bee populations and a shortage of honey, it has been claimed.

Thefts of up to 100 hives have been reported in Shropshire, Selborne near Petersfield, Basingstoke and the New Forest.

Given the complex skills needed to handle bees, it is thought that the people who stole them will have been beekeepers in many cases.

Police are virtually powerless to stop the raids but have suggested branding or hiding hives or even fitting them with satellite tracking devices.

John Cosburn, president of the Hampshire Beekeepers Association, recently had six hives worth an estimated £1,800 on the black market stolen from his farm at Micheldever, north of Winchester.
"It has got to be someone who knows about bees, I mean would you want to move 40,000 bees?" he told the Independent.
They must be taking them all to London, and that’s where the hum is coming from (noticed the theme yet?)

How to beat the recession Jeff Ferrell, a professor at Texas Christian University, has been dumpster diving his entire adult life and even lived off trash for an entire year while penning Empire Of Scrounge (NYU Press).

Ferrell argues that dumpster diving is the most efficient way to live without being wasteful.

Through trash digging he's been able to furnish his whole house and stock his closet with brand-new threads that people throw out.He's found Rolex watches, a bike, and even a diamond bracelet on his daily dumpster dives and since reusing other people's trash, the only thing he ever has to spend money on is beer.Ferrell even finds fresh food in dumpsters behind grocery stores and once found a ton of fancy box lunches in a dumpster on campus, which he shared with his colleagues in the teacher's lounge.He recommends dumpster diving at the end of the month since that's when people move out and toss toiletries and household goods.

I bet he hums!

From Russia with hate A woman, who became a widow as she attempted to teach a lesson to her lazy husband, was convicted at a St. Petersburg court. The woman literally killed the man with a divan.

The court brought down a conditional sentence for the period of one year against Vera Lukyanova, 55, and found the woman guilty of involuntary manslaughter, reports with a reference to the press service of the St. Petersburg Office of the Public Prosecutor.

The tragedy occurred in the summer of 2008. The man had a hangover in the morning after he had drunk too much alcohol the day before. His wife was infuriated with her husband’s behavior. In a fit of anger she kicked the convertible divan, on which the man was resting, and the divan folded into two and gripped the man in a vice.

Forensic experts said that the man died instantly: the strong springs of the killer-divan broke the man’s ribs and even his spine.

Ho Hum.

Ouch! I bet that stings A would-be gangster shot himself in the crutch when his gun went off half cocked in his pocket.

Lukas Neuhardt, 27, had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany.

He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crutch in a bungled robbery.
But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact.

"Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said a police source.

Now - after surgeons stitched his manhood back together - he's facing up to three years in jail for breaching Germany's tough new anti gun laws.

Run out of “hum” comments, but a charred hole in your pocket is nothing to sing about.

And finally:

10,000 Expected to Moon Amtrak Does pulling down your pants and going loco in front of a locomotive sound like fun to you?

A crowd of 10,000 is exptect to be dropping trou in Laguna Niguel as the California town celebrates the 30th anniversary of the "Mooning of Amtrak."

This tradition started at the Mugs Away Saloon as an alternative to darts, quarters and other lame bar games. And now, every year, on the second Saturday in July, revellers gather before a chain link fence, and pull down their pants as the train passes.

Unfortunately, local officials threatened to call off what some call, "Orange County's Mardi Gras" after some local residents complained of public drunkenness.

After a bit of negotiations, however, the city council has relented. The event will go forward, but with new rules: No more public consumption of alcohol and no more urinating outdoors.

Strangely, no one complained about the bare butts, not even the folks riding the trains. It seems some Amtrak riders even moon back.

What a hummer: sorry bummer!

“A melody is not merely something you can hum”-Aaron Copeland


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Thursday, 14 May 2009

Avez-vous ‘otpot

I kid you not, Blackpool even have a French language website in their bid to attract les visiteurs de France.

I am not knocking Blackpool, I went there once……….

A “light” at the end of the tunnel for smokers: British pub finds smoking ban loophole the landlady of a British pub has exploited a loophole in the country's smoking ban by opening a "smoking research centre" where drinkers can light up legally, reports said Wednesday.

Locals at the Cutting Edge pub in Barnsley, northern England, must fill in a questionnaire on their smoking habits to satisfy legal requirements before sitting down for a drink and a cigarette in the centre.

England and Wales introduced a ban on smoking in enclosed public places in 2007, contributing to tumbling beer sales which have forced over 2,000 pubs to close in the last year, according to the British Beer And Pub Association.

The Cutting Edge's landlady Kerry Fenton opened the centre, which is a separate room in her pub, five days ago.

"It's given business a shot in the arm and it's all in the name of research, legal and above board," she told the Sun newspaper. "I'm a non-smoker but I believe in the freedom of the individual."

The loophole in the law was discovered by pub regular James Martin, a 40-year-old printer. The local council told the paper it intended to enforce the smoking ban at the pub.

Well it was worth a try.

Don’t forget to check the toilet BEFORE you sit down Taiwanese rat snake bites Taiwanese trouser snake A Taiwanese man is recovering in hospital after a snake sank its fangs into his todger as he sat down on the toilet at his rural home, Reuters reports.

The unnamed 51-year-old Nantou County victim suffered "minor injuries" to his wedding tackle during the attack.

The China Times explains: "As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up. When he looked down, he saw the big snake."*

Reuters helpfully notes that slippery customers "regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia". Mercifully for the victim in this case, rat snakes (genus Elaphe) are non-venomous, but will "strike from an upreared position" if threatened, as Encyclopædia Britannica explains.

Of course, there are still health risks attached to having a rat snake chew on your trouser snake. The director of the hospital treating the unfortunate chap said: "As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, he can go. A snake's mouth isn't always clean."


*We resisted it, and so can you. The first person to make the "When he looked down, he saw the big snake... and then he saw the reptile too" gag will be banned from El Reg for a month.

And back to Todgers: Jamaica cracks down on 'daggering' after broken todger upswing • The Register Jamaican doctors have warned of the dangers of daggering, after being presented with a forest of fractured penises over the last year.
According to reports, daggering appears to be either a bizarre sexual practice or a music and dance craze. Or possibly both at the same time, if these videos are any thing to go by.

Either way, the practice is threatening to undermine the manhood of the island nation.
The Sun reports that Doctors have seen a trebling of cases of broken penises in the last year, which they are attributing to rough intercourse. They warn the condition can result in permanent damage.

A doctor at Kingston Public Hospital told the paper that “During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling.”

Fully dressed, dance style daggering can be equally dangerous, with the Jamaica Star reporting the case of one 34 year old dance-goer who "decided to follow the instructions of the selector and 'dagger' the nearest female."

The man's putative partner didn't care to dance, and bit his bottom lip to make her point.

As he told the paper, she declined to release him once she had a grip: "Mi deh a Chubby Dread memorial, rouna Southside and di selector seh mi mus hold har. So mi start dagger and she jus spin roun an bite mi. Mi bawl out fi di people dem hear mi. Di people dem seh mi mus hold on pan her, but she neva waan let mi go."

The would-be daggerer says he will only dagger with permission in future.

Well that’s alright then.

And finally:

What recession? Sheikh pays £250,000 for Household Cavalry to fly to Abu Dhabi - Telegraph Sheikh Mansoor Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, who is one of the richest men in the world, has arranged for a specially adapted Boeing 747 to take the horses to the Middle East.

On arrival, the mounts will be transferred to air-conditioned stables, with a team of staff to pamper them.

Meanwhile, the soldiers will fly business class and stay at one of the country's finest hotels, at the sheikh's expense.

Household Cavalry spokesman Captain Michael Fry told the Daily Mail: "It looks like the horses are going to get better treatment than we will."

The Musical Ride has been a part of the public face of the Household Cavalry for many years, first performing at The Royal Tournament in 1882.

Their performances comprise a series of cavalry drill movements set to music.
The team, based at the Household Cavalry barracks in Hyde Park, take part in all state occasions, such as Trooping the Colour and shows across Britain.

But their trip to Abu Dhabi will be the first time they have travelled outside Europe.
The trip was approved by senior Army officers because it is considered an opportunity to strengthen links between Britain and the UAE.

It is understood that Sheikh Mansoor, who owns 52 racehorses and is an accomplished rider himself, has not paid for the Household Cavalry's services.

However, he has offered to cover the costs of the trip, and to make a contribution to the Household Cavalry Museum.

Captain Fry added: "Essentially none of it would be possible without the extraordinary generosity of the sheikh.

"It is an unbelievable opportunity for the team and we looking forward to it immensely."

Sheikh Mansoor is the brother of the ruler of Abu Dhabi, the biggest of the United Arab Emirates, whose family fortune is estimated at about £555 billion.

Last year he spent £210 million on Manchester City football club.

Nice work if you can get it:

The only thing bad about a holiday is it is followed by a non-holiday” Anon


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