Showing posts with label twats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twats. Show all posts

Monday, 31 December 2012

Twenty Twelve Twats (and other cupid stunts)

Many, many droplets of skywater, even more lack of warm, less atmospheric movement and still not a whatsit of solar stuff at the Castle this morn.
As Twenty Eleven plus one ignobly sinks into the mire of history it is once again time to have a look at those who have managed to make it even worse.


First up has to be the entire Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition who have mismanaged the economy, the NHS, the police people, benefits, immigration, tax cuts for the rich, standards of living for the rest of us, bankers, welfare and my fucking pension.
And especially shit for brains U-Turn Cam who reckons that Blighty is travelling in the opposite direction to the left.

I won't even feature that other bloke whatever his name is because no one really gives a an old nags vag.


Then there are the “Royal” leeches; in particular “Prince” Henry who got his kit orf  in a hotel room with a couple of his mates and a non-male or two with a camera phone.


And his sister in law the Duckess of Cambridge who showed her upper wobbly bits to someone with a long lens as she cavorted on ‘Oliday with some tall, bald bloke.


Not forgetting the man on the bike Andrew Mitchell who took so long to resign over the “plebgate” thingy that the “establishment” had a couple of months to decide that the un-doctored silent CCTV footage showed he was entirely innocent of anything and that the “law” was stitching him up.


Dopey Dorries who went Dahn Unda to the Jungle and sadly came back again


The “global warming” pundits who seem to think we are as stupid as they are so that the price of gas, leccy, petrol and diesel can be raised to such heights that it brings tears to your wallets.


And the phone hackers who used peoples lack of common sense to access their voice mail to sell newspapers (which some of us bought), and in particular Rebekah Brooks who is £10.8 million better orf for not being sacked and didn’t have a conversation with the Prime Monster and the old Aussie bloke about BSkyB at a party.


The Ed-Milli band by turning into a very bad copy of a Tory whist telling us that we are all “one nation” and whose nasal style of vocals has managed to get right up one’s hooter

The rest of the Royal dysfunctional family, who spent the year being entertained, fed, housed, clothed and rowed about by the rest of us as we watched while our lives disappeared dahn the imperial bog in a royal flush.

And finally:

Alien reptile in disguise and son of a......Baronet George (nobody loves me) Osborne who apart from fucking up Blighty’s fiscal stability also managed to get booed as he took advantage of his free ticket (paid for by us) to the big sporty event up in the Smoke.



And this last day of 2012’s thought:
Roll on 2013.

 Happy New Year! 


Sunday, 10 April 2011

Striking call centres: Taking the piss: Uddingston nickers: Everest is rubbish: Photo Numpty: and a bottle of Bacon.

Allegedly there is going to be yet another warm and sunny thingy at the Castle this morn, the butler has cleaned out the moat, the garden still needs seeing to, the windows and the Rover still need washing, but the well padded sun lounger was so comfortable that I nodded orf and missed the F1 qualifying (thank what’s his/her name for I-player), still I can try again today with the Race.

We all know how hard jobs are to come by, especially if you are approaching old fartship and you would think that those who are employed-especially by the state would be a bit careful, but thousands of Jobcentre staff are to go on strike this month in a dispute over working conditions and management targets.
The Public and Commercial Services union (PCS) said its members in 37 call centres would walk out on 18 April.
In January, union members staged a two-day strike at seven centres.
The DWP announced a revamp of its telephone and benefit processing service in October 2009.
The January action started after a decision to convert seven benefit processing offices into "contact centres," with staff re-allocated to taking calls from the public.
Since then the dispute has broadened to include staff at all 37 contact centres.
"We are being prevented from providing a good quality service to the public because of unnecessary and unrealistic call centre targets," said Jane Aitchison, president of the PCS department for work and pensions.

Since when has the Dept of Witless Pillocks “provided a good quality service”? Ask my mentally ill mate, he has only just got back the year’s money they owed him six weeks after winning his appeal, and then they repaid it in two lumps.

Parliament was hit by a new expenses row over “golden goodbyes” totalling up to £10 million to more than 200 former MPs.
They include a string of politicians caught up in the expenses scandal who are entitled to five-figure sums after standing down or losing their seat.
Taxpayers will be left to foot the huge bill as many families are forced to tighten their belts further in the economic crisis. On leaving the Commons, MPs are eligible for a resettlement grant of up to a year's salary, depending on their age and years of service, with the first £30,000 tax-free.
Critics say the payouts are too generous, compared with those in the private sector, and especially for MPs stepping down voluntarily. A study by the TaxPayers' Alliance found that 218 MPs who were either defeated or quit at the general election could claim grants totalling £10.4 million — or on average £47,706 each.
Including former MP Douglas Hogg, 65, who put in a bill for the cleaning of the moat at his country home and is entitled to £64,766; “duck house” ex-MP Sir Peter Viggers, 72, who can claim £32,383 and former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, 47, who is eligible for £32,383 and whose husband billed the taxpayer for adult movies, according to the TaxPayers' Alliance.
Its research showed that MP couple Julie Kirkbride, 49, and Andrew Mackay, 60, who were dubbed “Mr and Mrs Expenses” and forced to stand down over their claims, are entitled to £32,383 and £64,766 respectively. Most MPs are believed to take the special payments but some have in the past declined to accept it. MPs are fully entitled to the payouts under the allowances regime but it is undergoing a major overhaul after being heavily criticised. A number of former MPs who have been elevated to the Lords are also entitled to the “golden goodbyes” from the Commons.

Makes you proud to live in a democracy………doesn’t it?

We have wooden top twats, British detectives said on Wednesday they were hunting for thieves who broke into one of their own police stations and stole their uniforms and radios.
The crooks burgled the police station in Uddingston, not far from Glasgow in Scotland, in the early hours of Tuesday morning when the office was shut.
"At no time has the safety of the public or any officer been jeopardized as a result of this break-in," said a spokeswoman for Strathclyde Police.
She declined to say how the criminals had got into the building but added the radios had been disabled and could no longer be used.

Oh well that’s alright then……….        (It’s the white building on the left with the jam sandwich outside)

A team of mountaineers led by a veteran Sherpa guide flew Wednesday to Mount Everest on an expedition to clear away tons of trash left on the world’s highest peak.
Since Everest was first conquered in 1953, thousands of people have climbed it, leaving behind the empty oxygen bottles, ropes, tents and other garbage that made their journey possible.
Nepal has since required climbers to bring down everything they take up the mountain or lose their deposit, but debris from past climbs still litters the slopes.
The team that left Katmandu on Wednesday — led by Apa, a Sherpa who has climbed Everest a record 20 times — plans to bring down 11,000 pounds (5,000 kilograms) of garbage during the spring climbing season.
“I want to do this for my country, my people and for Everest,” said Apa, who uses only one name.
The team hopes to clear 8,800 pounds (4,000 kilograms) of garbage from the lower part of the mountain and another 2,200 pounds (1,000 kilograms) from near the 29,035-foot (8,850-meter) summit.

Hope he has enough black plastic bags.

A suspect in a North Carolina robbery is in jail after a T-shirt bearing his photo was found near the crime scene.
Police said a man and woman were at home when two men broke in and took a wallet and some jewellery. The suspects struggled with the man as they fled.
Later, the man found a black T-shirt on the ground displaying a mug shot and the slogan: "Making money is my thang."

Photographic Numpty

And finally:

A Chicago cologne manufacturer has announced the creation of a new unisex scent designed to make the wearer smell like bacon.
Cologne firm Fargginay said the scent, aptly named Bacon, includes 11 oils, flowers and herbs in a mixture designed to remind users of the smell of the beloved breakfast food, the New York Daily News reported Friday.
The company said the scent comes in two varieties, the spicy maple-inspired Bacon Classic and a lighter version of the fragrance called Bacon Gold.
The cologne can be purchased online for $36 per bottle.

Very nice, here’s an idea-buy some bacon for a couple of quid, cook it, save the fat, rub a bit behind your ears each morning and save $30.

That’s it: I’m orf to practise my electrocorticography.

And today’s thought: Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place.