Flotsam and some jet?: Budget bollocks: NHS complaints process bollocks: ATOS lies-again: Old fart pilot and the parachute: Crash test Roos: and Crash test failure:

Much lack of lack of cold, more than a whimsy of atmospheric movement, quite a lot of ex skywater and just a glimpse of dawn's crack at the Castle this morn.

Poor old Angus is doing OK, the diabetes thing is now back under control despite a toof ache-toof out-infection and antibiotics, and I spent most of the last more than seven days fettling the garden; extra bamboo screens, moved the stepping stones to accommodate the new extendable washing line, put up a new fence in the quiet corner, painted the fences (hint-DO NOT buy Homebase's own "light oak" fence stuff-it is orange when applied-even more orange with a second coat, I finally used B&Q's own stuff which is artistically called "brown"-covered in one coat), and did the first cut on the moss. I even washed the Honda...

 

 

East a lot dahn a fair bit

 

The hunt for MH370 goes on, and on, and on, it seems that the latest "clue" is a blurry photo of something that looks like a giant upside dahn motor, but the mystery deepens as it turns out that A US technology company which had 20 senior staff on board Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 had just launched a new electronic warfare gadget for military radar systems in the days before the Boeing 777 went missing.

 

So a few hints as to where it may be:

Norf Korea's rear exit.

eBay.

The Castle's moat.

 

How is it that "they" can listen to all our phone calls, see all our emails but can't find a bleedin great jet with an orange black box that is emitting beeps every few moments?

 

Back in Budget Blighty

 

Apparently son of a B........aronet and alien reptile in disguise chancer of the exchequer George (I love pensioners) Osborne has done yet another Budget, which will allow the elder part of the population to snatch and squander their pension pots.

This will of course allow we old farts to buy "luxuries" such as gas and electricity, food and even some go juice for the motor as well as being able to buy more than one pint of beer and play bingo to excess.

And will of course "stimulate" the economy adding many squillions in tax to the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalitions' coffers.

 

Cheers George......

 

All across the National Elf Service

 

After many years and many deaths allegedly the Healthwatch England watchdog thingy has come to the conclusion that the complaints system for the NHS in England is "hopelessly complicated" and needs an overhaul.

Apparently Healthwatch England says more than 70 organisations are involved in dealing with complaints about the NHS and social care.

It wants the process to be simplified to ensure patients get more support.

Healthwatch England chairwoman, Anna Bradley, said: "It's no wonder the public are left confused and frustrated. With so many organisations involved it's difficult to know where to start, let alone having the strength and persistence to navigate the system on your own.

 

No shit...remember the photo, we will be watching....

 

Staying with Elf problems

Allegedly ATOS that wonderful French supplier of the infamous Fit to work assessments which went so well that they want to end the contract early has now managed to secure the contract for the PIP (personal independence payments) has been telling porkies to grab even more of our loot.

In its tender document, submitted to the Department of Work and Pensions, Atos suggested that more than 700 healthcare providers, including 56 NHS hospitals, had contractually agreed to provide accommodation where assessments for new Personal Independence Payments could take place. It claimed the “hyper-local” network would mean that no disabled claimant would have to travel more than 60 minutes to attend an assessment, with “over 90 per cent of claimants able to reach the centres in 30 minutes”.

But the Public Accounts Committee heard that, since the scheme was launched, over 40 per cent of all claimants have had to travel for more than an hour to reach an assessment centre, with only 40 per cent being able to reach a suitable location in less than 45 minutes.

Atos had in fact contracted fewer than 100 healthcare providers to provide accommodation – and a miscalculation by the DWP over how long each session would take meant that some severely disabled people were waiting longer than six months to be seen.

MPs accused Atos of “playing fast and loose with the truth” in the bid document – resulting in ministers misleading Parliament about how the scheme would work.

Personal Independence Payments began to replace Disability Living Allowance in April last year. Most people applying for PIP have a face-to-face assessment to determine eligibility, which is carried out by Atos Healthcare and Capita Business Services.

But a report from the National Audit Office found claimants were waiting an average of 107 days, and terminally ill patients 28 days, for a decision on their cases – much longer than had been predicted.

MPs told Lisa Coleman, senior vice-president of Atos, that they believed the firm had been misleading in its bid document.

“You only managed to work with a quarter of the trusts you named in the document,” the committee’s chair, Margaret Hodge, told her. “If there had been one or two falling out then I could have accepted your argument – but only a quarter?”

She then asked: “Is it usual to lie in the tender document, Ms Coleman?”

Ms Coleman told the committee that because the DWP had pushed back its plans for mandatory re-assessment of all DLA claimants until 2015 fewer sites were needed than had been suggested in the bid document. “We have had sufficient coverage,” she said. “If we had used all 750 sites they would [each] be doing about three assessments a week.”

Ms Coleman added: “What we talked about in the tender document was what we thought we could achieve. When you write a tender document you say this is the specification that I can deliver. This is what I am responsible for.”

She added: “We are not there yet. I am not going to sit here and say we are.”

An Atos spokeswoman subsequently said the company categorically denied making misleading claims in the tender document.

 

 Yeah right......

 

Left quite a lot and dahn not quite as much

87-year-old pilot Shannon Trembley was practicing take orfs and landings at South Lakeland airport in Mulberry, Florida when he managed to crash into a parachutist who wasn't practicing landings but took orf again.

His Cessna got caught in Mr Frost’s strings and spun through 180 degrees before crashing into a landing field.

Onlookers pulled Mr Trembley out of the plane in case it caught fire.

Emergency services arrived soon afterwards and took the two men to hospital.

Mr Frost was later allowed home but doctors kept Mr Trembley in for observation.

The National Transportation Safety Board and Federal Aviation Administration are investigating.

 

Should have gorn to Specsavers...

 

Dahn Unda

Volvo has been testing its automatic braking system with crash test Kangaroos, apparently there are more than 20,000 kangaroo strikes on Australia’s roads every year?  In response to the rogue roo problem, Volvo is in the process of training it’s City Safe autonomous braking system to recognize kangaroos that enter into the path of the vehicle. The system  are responsible for -and automatically slam on the brakes if the driver does not.

The system was originally developed to detect pedestrians; later this year the same setup will enable selected Volvo cars to also detect cyclists.

A radar sensor in the grille scans the road 100 metres ahead and a camera in the windscreen works with the radar to detect which way the object is moving to help the computer decide what action to take, if any.

The system processes 15 images every second and can react to an emergency in half the time a human driver can, Volvo claims. With some kangaroos taller than six feet, the system may prevent considerable vehicle damage.

 

Didn't go too well on the last try..

 

Volvo claims it is working on a system that can recognize dogs and cats.

 

How can a motor know that his Maj is called His Maj?

 

 

And finally:

 

Staying with crash tests

 

Right more than a lot of imperial yards Independent car safety body, Global NCAP, has found that a number of small cars on sale in India pose a very serious risk to their occupants in the event of a crash.

In the first-ever independent crash tests of some of India's most popular small cars, Global NCAP awarded entry-level models of the Volkswagen Polo, Ford Figo and previous-generation Hyundai i10 zero stars for adult protection. This is in stark contrast to the current European equivalents – the Ford Fiesta and Polo achieved a five-star rating in their Euro NCAP tests, while the old Hyundai i10 managed a respectable four.

India's best-selling car, the Suzuki-Maruti Alto 800, was also assessed, as was the Tata Nano. The five cars were afflicted by two major problems – namely a lack of structural integrity and an absence of airbags, meaning that too much energy is absorbed directly by the people in the cars in the event of a crash.

In the 40mph NCAP crash test, the Indian version of the i10 achieved a zero-star rating for adult protection, a one-star rating for child protection and was unable to meet the UN's minimum safety requirements in the 35mph crash test. Along with the Alto 800 and Nano, the i10 was also found to be structurally inadequate, collapsing onto occupants in a crash too easily.

The Ford Figo, which is based on the previous-generation Ford Fiesta platform, achieved zero stars for adult protection and a two-star rating for child protection. What's more, it only met the UN's minimum safety requirements in the 35mph crash test because the dummy's head in the driver seat narrowly avoided direct contact with the steering wheel.


Glad they are not sold in Blighty...




That's it: I'm orf to get a new app for the smart phone



And today's thought:



They seek it here, they seek it there

 

Angus

Global crisis caused by Crimea incident

Many, many units of lack of warm, just a whimsy of skywater, a butterfly's' cough of atmospheric movement and the merest glimpse of Dawn's crack at the Castle this pancake flipping morn.

All is well with poor old Angus, bits that should work are and bits that shouldn't don't, his Maj is full of the joys of something and the smart cat flap is performing within expected parameters.

 

 

Well it's finally happened, landlady Mrs Floppybits dahn at the Crimea pub dropped her breakfast tray causing a global crisis.

Much coffee was lost causing a surge in the price of the beans throughout the globe, her toast was lost to the hot liquid meaning that the cost of wheat soared, the spoilt milk caused Tesco to reduce the retail price of 4 pints, the boiled egg exploded which brought about a steep increase in the retail price of chucky ovals, which in turn made the price of fowl meat burst through the 5 squid barrier and spawned a frenzy of buying in the feather pillows and duvet market.

The broken cereal bowl made a huge dent in the floor tile industry causing the shares of B&Q to soar, which made the city panic over prices of wood, corn, cement, sheds, copper, brass, lead, plastic, furniture, garden tools, fencing and turfs.

This lead to a rest break being cancelled and caused the price of tea to rocket and the result was a slump in the Rupee, the marmalade was ruined leading to a torrent of bidding on the orange markets and the backlash was that Florida is now bankrupt and the American economy is on the verge of collapse.

Back in Blighty the city has stalled, with no commodities left to make a profit on our economy has dived back into the sewer and we are all stuffed, in fact the world is going to end tomorrow because some knob head has revived a thirty thousand year old virus found beneath the permafrost up Norf (and a bit more).

 

So there we are:-fucked, all because of a lost brekkie in the Crimea and the scaremongering of the media and twats that can't mind their own business and take a delight in winding up the world.

 

That's it: I'm orf to plumb the depths of the moat

 

And today's thought:

 

Angus

 

Later lack of care: Forkin Numpty: Second hand avoidance: Where did you get that hat: Pot for the Potty and Riccing:.

Definite lack of warm, indefinite amounts of skywater, a whimsy of atmospheric movement and sod all solar stuff at the Castle this morn, the wet stuff is that nasty fine drizzly thingy that gets into all your nooks and grannies, but I did catch a snatch of Dawn's crack yestermorn.

The itches have finally gorn, the diabetes thingy is well under control and his Maj has discovered the joy of waiting for me to wash the kitchen floor and then dashing in through his "smart" cat flap and leaving muddy paw prints all over the place.

Been in the garden most of the week, putting up fences, concreting in posts, repairing the back gate, moving stepping stones and having a general fettle.

Also been watching the Ice Cold Olympics, really nice to see a load of young maniacs going about their business and enjoying it.

 

Over to the East

The Ukraine thingy is still dragging on and has been the "most important story" according to the BEEB and the rest of the media, lovely, really don't give a Porpoise's plums, have a think about Northern Ireland, Afghanistan and Iraq; what interests me more is:-

 

Up Norf

The case of a diabetic patient who died at Stafford Hospital has "wider implications" that mean a judge needs "time to reflect" before sentencing the NHS Trust, a court has been told.

Gillian Astbury, 66, lapsed into a coma after nurses failed to give her insulin and died at the hospital in April 2007.

Mid Staffordshire NHS Foundation Trust admitted health and safety breaches.

Mr Justice Haddon-Cave told Stafford Crown Court he would reserve sentencing of the trust to a later date.

An inquest in 2010 ruled there had been a failure to provide basic care.

 

Bollocks, this has been going on far too long, let's see a few "managers/CEO's" slapped in prison for corporate manslaughter...

 

Left a lot to the place where James Tiberius Kirk comes from

When a vending machine refused to give Robert McKevitt from Iowa in the USA his choccy bar, he decided to attack it with an 8,000lb (3,628kg) forklift.

Apparently the Forkin Numpty was overjoyed when two extra bars dropped into the tray but his joy was short-lived after he was eventually fired for inappropriate use of the company' property.

'That machine was trouble,' the 27-year-old said.

'They fired me, and now I hear they have all new vending machines there.'

 

Life's a Twix.....

 

Back in Blighty

Allegedly Chris Moyles claimed to be second-hand car dealer to avoid tax on £1 million, Moyles, 40, was one of the BBC’s highest-paid stars as the presenter of Radio 1’s Breakfast Show when he joined the scheme run by NT Advisers, whose initials stand for “no tax”, in 2007.

He filed a self-assessment tax return that claimed he had “engaged in self-employment as a used car trader” during the year to April 2008.

The broadcaster said finance charges he had incurred through his involvement in the second-hand vehicle business meant he suffered a loss of more than £1 million, which he sought to set against his other tax liabilities.

The top rate of income tax at the time was 40 per cent, meaning he could have avoided paying £400,000.

After investigating his case, HMRC rejected the loss claim, leading the former BBC star to launch an appeal before a tax tribunal along with two other wealthy men who had also used the Working Wheels scheme.

Moyles did not give evidence to the tribunal but submitted "a very brief and rather uninformative” witness statement that made it clear he had entered the scheme “for no purpose other than to achieve a tax saving”, Judge Colin Bishopp said.

 

Oh dear; what a shame.......NOT....

 

The future of Millinery?

 

Or not....

 

Back over to the left a lot

Cannabis and cookies is turning out to be a winning recipe for some enterprising Girl Scouts.

Lexi Carney, 8, set up shop outside the TruMed medical marijuana dispensary in Phoenix Saturday, where a day earlier she sold 76 boxes of the popular cookies in just a couple of hours, Arizona's 3TV reported.

Lei's mother, like Carney's, accompanied her child, and told the East Bay Express she feels it's perfectly safe.

"There's always a security guard and cameras everywhere," she said.

Neither of the girls' scout troops commented officially on their business ventures, but in Colorado, where recreational marijuana is legal, the Girl Scouts posted a statement on their Face book page condemning the practice of selling outside any "adult-oriented business."

 

Oh well, that's alright then...

 

And finally:

 

Somewhere in a fridge/oven/box

Back in November 2013, Christina Ricci decided to put her entire body in her fridge. She shared the picture via Twitter, and in the blink of an eye started an Internet phenomenon called "riccing." People pose for pictures while squeezed into a confined space, such as the inside of a cupboard, oven or refrigerator.

 

 

I'd  be happy just to find some food in my fridge...

 

That's it: I'm orf to Sue the EU for bad weather and other stuff

 

And today's thought:

Be afraid, be very afraid.

 

 

Angus

Wet Wet Wet: No Blank Cheque: Climbing Crocs: Columbian Cast-orfs: and Palin makes 50.

Usual at the Castle this morn, much lack of warm, oodles of atmospheric movement, bags of skywater and fuck all solar stuff.

It's been an "interesting" last seven days or so, as the old saying goes-no good deed goes unpunished which turned out to be more than true last Thursday.

I pottered over to B&Q in Farnborough to suss out some underwater gardening stuff and saw an old fart (about the same age as me) struggling to get four 6x6 foot fence panels onto one of their stupid trolleys which ran away every time he approached it so I lent a hand and grabbed one end of each and the stuff was loaded in less than no time.

Unfortunately it was pissing dahn with wet stuff and the tanalising stuff ended up all over my hands, later that day large welts started to erupt all over my poor old bod, I spent four days scratching and four dark things not sleeping until I finally managed to acquire an appointment with a general medic (not my usual one) who after being an hour late decided to discuss the pros and cons of wood treatment (apparently arsenic is  no longer used, but a copper thingy is now the in thing) while I sat there scratching parts of my body until they bled.

I finally got the script for some antihistamines and some cream and am now on the mend (again).

 

And His Maj has been getting some unwelcome visitors-a couple of scruffy flea ridden moggies that seem to enjoy stealing his food and pissing all over the kitchen.

So I had a gander at the interweb thingy and found a "smart" cat flap, which has a built in scanner and only opens to His Maj's identity chip, bloody wonderful, took minutes to install, seconds to set up and now he can come and go with impunity, have all his food to himself and sit by the flap giving the equivalent of the finger to said moggies.

I would recommend this do-dah if you have similar problems, the only snag is that it cost almost £60, you can get cheaper "magnetic" flaps but it means that your pussy will have to wear a collar and if like His Maj they don't like things around their necks that can be a prob as well.

Since fitting it there have been no raids and the kitchen smells nice again.

 

 

Apparently the endless skywater is causing quite a few mishaps for many, many people

 

After more than forty light and dark things of rain apparently most of Blighty is submerged, Dickhead Dave has been touring sodden parts of the country to "see" the water and "reassure" the blighted people of Blighty that all will be well and "money will be no object" when it comes to sorting out Noah's puddles.

Yeah right.......

 Unfortunately

 

 

The Secretary of transport, someone named Patrick McLoughlin reckons that there is no "blank cheque" for flooding relief despite Dickhead Dave saying money is "no object".

The Transport Secretary said that the Government would “use every resource” but refused to say that new money will be made available.

Violent winds of up to 100 miles an hour are expected to batter Britain as storms sweep across the country and bring further flooding to some areas.

Forecasters have warned that the storms could bring the strongest winds seen this winter and a month's worth of rain is expected to fall by Friday.

 

So that's sorted that out then.....

 

Somewhere in the Reptilian world

 

A University of Tennessee, Knoxville study has found that reptiles can climb trees. The study concluded that at least four species of crocodiles climbed trees, but how far up they went varied by their sizes. The smaller ones were able to climb higher and further than the larger ones. Some of them were observed climbing as far as four meters high.

The crocodilians seen climbing trees, whether at night or during the day, were skittish of being approached, jumping or falling into the water when an approaching observer was as far as 10 meters away. This response led the researchers to believe that the tree climbing and basking are driven by two conditions: thermoregulation and surveillance of habitat.

 

Better cut the trees dahn around the moat then.

 

Left a lot and dahn a fair bit

 

 Hundreds of people in nothing more than underwear walked through the city of Medellin and gathered at River Park for 'No Pants Day' on Sunday.

New York performance art group Improv Everywhere started No Pants Day in 2002, but it has since grown into an international craze, which is being used by Colombians as a statement for their freedom of expression.

 

What a pants idea....

 

And finally:

 

Left a lot and up a fair bit

 

Allegedly Sarah Palin turns half a century today.

And to celebrate here are some Palin Twatts:

 

"Refudiate," "misunderestimate," "wee-wee'd up." English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!

1.    Sarah Palin ‏@SarahPalinUSA Feb 6

Happy Birthday, Ronald Reagan! February is a month for great presidents. This month we celebrate the birthdays of... http://fb.me/2JcqTtCRj 

 

"But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies." --Sarah Palin, after being asked how she would handle the current hostilities between the two Koreas, interview on Glenn Beck's radio show, Nov. 24, 2010

"What the federal government should have done is accept the assistance of foreign countries, of entrepreneurial Americans who have had solution that they wanted presented ... The Dutch and the Norwegians, they are known for dikes and for cleaning up water and for dealing with spills." --Sarah Palin, on solving the Gulf oil spill crisis, Fox News, June 15, 2010

 

Here's to the next fifty years....

 

That's it: I'm orf to drive some cells

 

And today's thought:

 

Blighty's future

 

Angus

 

Level Lateness; "L" of a Parrot; Blow up Bovines; and How not to cure Vertigo.

Piss poor day at the Castle this morn, even more skywater, less atmospheric movement, even less lack of cold and sod all solar stuff.

Just returned from the stale bread substitute, gruel and his Maj's food run dahn Tesco, prices are still yo-yoing faster than the Millionaires Club Sideboard changes what is laughingly called its mind, the internet robots seem to have been cloned into many, many arseholes, and they still only have two tills working.

The good news is that the plums have now returned to "normal", I can now sit and even cross my legs, walk loads of yardy things and have a lot more energy, the old blood sugar levels have gorn dahn to around 4.5 and stayed there for quite a few days.

 

Dahn in Zommerzet

After almost forty days of wet stuff the Gov has finally got orf its collective arse and is allegedly going to send what is left of  the army (all seven of them) to "sort out" the floods by sending in amphibious vehicles.

Oh joy, let's hope they are not the same as the ones in London...

 

Up Norf to the left hand part of Yorkshire

 

Apparently a learner driver has had her motor seized by the plod after being caught driving on the M62 accompanied only by a parrot.

The woman, in her 50s, was pulled over on suspicion of speeding near junction 22 of the M62 in West Yorkshire on Sunday morning but officers discovered she only had a provisional licence.

Provisional licence holders are banned from driving on motorways and are only allowed to drive at all when accompanied by a qualified driver.

Apart from the driver herself, the only passenger found by police when they stopped the 4x4 around 8.45am on Sunday morning was a grey parrot.

A spokesman for West Yorkshire Police said the vehicle had been confiscated and the driver is expected to be charged with motor offences including speeding at a later date.

 

What a knob head...she should have made sure Polly had a full licence....

 

Right a whimsy to the land of comatose F1 drivers

 

A herd of dairy cows nearly lifted the roof off their barn in central Germany when methane released by the animals caused an explosion.

Police in Hesse state said in a statement that a static electric charge apparently triggered the detonation, and a spurt of flame, on Monday at a farm in Rasdorf.

The roof was slightly damaged and one cow suffered light burns - no-one was hurt. 

Police say 90 cows are kept in the shed and it wasn't clear why quantities of methane had built up.

Bovine belching and flatulence releases large quantities of the gas.

 

Right a bit more

 

A video has been posted online of a woman trying to cure her fear of heights by walking around the top of a 110m chimney stack.

The 37 second clip, shot in Prague, Czech Republic, shows the woman walking along with a man in strong winds.

It has notched up more than 163,000 hits on LiveLeak where it was described as a "cure for acrophobia".

One confused viewer commented: "How would this help someone with their fear of spiders?"

 

Nah.......

 

That's it: I'm orf to Test out a "Monopole" (And no that isn't a single man from Poland).

 

And today's thought:

 

Stay at home then.

 

Angus

My blue plums have gorn yellow

A wondrous day at the Castle this Sunday morn-oodles of solar stuff, an absence of atmospheric movement, bugger all skywater and even a hint of lack of cold.

Once again many sorries for not replying to comments on the last post, but here is an update of poor old Angus's wobbly bits.

It has taken until today for the old plums to be able to bear the weight of the laptop on my lap top, and indeed just to be able to sit dahn, so I have spent the last two weeks laying dahn and hobbling about like a ruptured Platypus, the bruising from bum-hole to breakfast has reduced muchly, and has gorn from blue-black to yellowish green and the old plums are now a nice shade of banana with a hint of grass.

 

Replies to my friends:

Thanks for all the good wishes:

Blackdog

Not on metformin-allergic-they put me on Clopidogril, Simvastatin, Rampiril and a concoction of other stuff which luckily have not induced any side effects.

I was on fenofibrate for many, many years before this lot kicked orf, and I have procured a blood sugar/glucose thingy from the Diabetes nurse-early days yet.

As for the cheese/ham sandwiches-dahn to a basic lack of understanding/training and not communicating with other departments I think.

 

James

Hope your building has done a Lazarus and is now in fine fettle.

 

CherryPie

The NHS is still in need of intensive care.

 

AK

Nice to be back at the Castle in one piece.

Woodsy42

Not a problem with going in, I waited about five weeks it was getting out of the bloody place that did my old head in.

 

And last but certainly not least Welshcakes.

Nightmare is probably a bit of an understatement, the worst thing was the lack of improvement in the "system".

 

There; all done, I can now put the Laptop away for a while and let my man bits relax as I prepare a nice chicken, new potatoes and mixed veg dinner.

 

Angus

 

Still here

A nice lack of skywater, a nice dose of solar stuff, an even nicer absence of atmospheric movement and an expected amount of lack of warm at the Castle this morn.

 

I managed to survive my "visit" to Grimly Dark Orspital, and am now back on the sofa "resting". 

It was interesting; as this was my first experience as a patient I can only go on what I have been subjected to and the treatment I received.

 

First up, my GP had sanctioned "Orspital Transport" for poor old Angus, it was booked for 11 of the am, unfortunately it turned up at 10 of the am and in my rush to get going I forgot to turn orf the central heating, but the 'concierge' was good humoured and helpful, the driver was a bit of a miserable mare and didn't say a word, but ho-hum.

 

Travelled to Grimly Dark at 57 mph (the transport was limited to that speed)  but arrived safely and was taken to the "Pre OP" do-dah or "POD" an hour early but as the receptionist was orf somewhere collecting the mail ten minutes passed before I was booked in.

Sat waiting for half an hour, then was called to the "ward"-four trolleys jammed into an alcove given a gown and left to change.

 

The nurse (Chinese)  was good, kind and attentive, the staff nurse (non specific nationality but not native) was OK.

I was booked to go dahn to have the old arteries reamed at 2 of the pm, so a nice three and a half hour wait was in store, managed to have a nap and chatted to the two other guys, one had been there since 7 of the am and had just been told that he had been bumped to the afternoon list, the other one was taken away almost immediately and I never saw him again.

The nurse did a few checks-blood pressure, sats and a blood sugar thingy, time passed, no food or drink, then at 1.45 of the pm I was taken to the "theatre", stayed on the trolley in the waiting bit, the nurses (one Polish and one Brit) chatted and gave me an extra blanket because of the lack of heat.

2 of the pm came and went, as did 2.30 and three of the pm then just after 3 the organic mechanic turned up, sort of explained what he was going to do, got me to sign a consent thingy and then pissed orf for another half hour.

 

Taken into the theatre at 3.45, the organic mechanic returned with another who was concerned that I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since eight that morning, told her it was because that is what the letter said that they sent me, "I will change that she said".

Removed the boxers and got onto the bed thingy was painted orange from belly button to dangly bits covered up with a big paper sheet do-dah and a couple of stick on holey things either side of the man veg.

Said first organic mechanic then proceeded to inject local anaesthetic in the left side next to the dangly bits, did a bit of pushing and shoving while the nurse was asking me questions-address, name, age, what am I allergic to etc.

Then the OM inserted a balloon into the numb groiny bit and told me to tell him when it hurt---did I......then he said he was going to put a stent in which he did.

 All done, all I had to do now was remain flat on my back and not move for two hours, then stay still for another four hours.

 

Taken back to POD on the trolley, stayed on the trolley for two hours while the nurse did "obs" every half hour-blood pressure, sats, pulse and the inevitable blood sugar thingy.

Then I was allowed to sit up a bit, and given a cup of coffee and a cheese sandwich.

By now it was getting on for 6 of the pm and the POD closed at seven so a hectic race was on to find me a bed.

 

After many, many phone calls a "bed" was found and much to my surprise after spending eight hours on the trolley was whisked orf to "Parkside" the private Orspital attached to Grimly Dark.

Oh joy I thunk, private room, en-suite and a TV, it turned out that the room was vacant because the roof had leaked, and there was no remote for the TV.

And to be really honest I would rather they had put me in the car park because it would have been quieter, the "sister" was a German who could only communicate at decibel levels above 100 and I swear she was marching up and dahn the corridor all bloody night in her jack boots, and on the roof of the room was a stonking great air-con thingy which cut in and out every fifteen minutes, add that to the hourly obs-blood pressure, sats, pulse and the inevitable blood sugar tests ( I had run out of fingers to prick) poor old Angus didn't get much sleep.

 

But the night finally ended, the hourly obs stopped, the German Reich Fuhrer buggered orf and was replaced by a very nice English lady.

I managed to have a pee, staggered up the corridor to get a cup of coffee, someone found a remote and life became almost bearable.

 

Breakfast arrived-cold scrambled eggs, cold hash browns and a warm coffee, more obs, yet more blood sugar thingies, then I waited from six of the morn to eleven of the same morn for a medic to arrive to discharge me, and as buses do four arrived at once, none of them was the Consultant I saw or either of the organic mechanics but a boss lady two F something's or other and a pompous, patronising, posh Pratt of a pillock who waltzed in, turned orf the TV and ordered me to drop my kecks and get on the bed so that he could take a peek at the old groin.

We had a short discussion about using the weed, which he lost, and then he minced out shouting instructions to someone about statins and other stuff.

I was not given any information about post op care, what I could and couldn't do or what to do if it all went tits up.

 

The nice English lady came in and said that they had the stuff I needed in the drugs cabinet and that would save me having to wait several hours for the pharmacy to deliver them from fifty yards away.

Boxes of stuff in hand I was then allowed to get dressed and found out that someone had lost my boxers, so I was given a pair of paper undies to keep me decent.

Then I was taken to the "Patients Lounge" to await transport back to the Castle, given a cup of tea and waited three hours before a ham sandwich arrived and I got so fed up with sitting there feeling my groin swell up  that I phoned a taxi and came home.

 

Now, as I said as this was my first time at Grimly Dark as a patient I can only report what happened to me.

 Whether my experience was "normal" or not I don't know, what I do know is that it seems that very little has changed since 2005 when Mrs Angus was killed by the poxy place, I don't care what the CQC says.

The nurses, staff nurses and ancillary staff were excellent but once you got above the front line ranks things were sadly familiar, lack of care, lack of information, lack of common sense and worse of all lack of empathy for the patients (me).

Whether I was given a private room because "they" remembered me from 2005 I don't know, or whether it was just fortune or not is beyond me, but if it was the first they failed to impress, the system is badly flawed, no one speaks to anyone else, departments are separate kingdoms, the "that's not my job" ethic is rife and despite all the money thrown at it this particular part of the NHS it does not come up to the standards expected or deserved by the old or the sick who rely on the "service".

 

All in all not a satisfying experience, mentioning the nationalities of the staff involved is not racism, just a hint of how much we rely on immigration to keep the old girl going and how hard the "soldiers" work to try to offset the arrogance and ignorance of those that make the big bucks and sit in their top floor offices whist the patients spend untold hours of their lives waiting.

So as I sit here contemplating my black plums and the bruises from arsehole to navel I wonder; would I do it again, or worse what is in store for me as I stagger even further dahn the road to dotage and the final reckoning.

 

Only time will tell......

 

 

 

Angus