Saturday, 10 August 2019

Power to the people: Eco tents: Racoon dahn the drain: Otopussy twat: and a Bloody big spider.


Much atmospheric movement, remnants of skywater, total lack of solar light and dawns crack appears to have healed up at the castle this weekend morn.



The toxic plum is much improved, after five days of painkiller/antibiotic coma (disturbed only by his Maj sitting on my chest smacking me on the face to get up and feed him) the throbbing plum has decreased to a dull ache, and it has come out of hiding.





Apparently it isn’t only a light dusting of snow that can bring Brexit Blighty to a standstill.
It seems that two dodgy generators managed to plunge more than a few Blighyites into the dark ages, people were stuck on trains planes and automobiles.

That wonderful organisation Ofgem has raised its hackles and is threatening to “take action”.


Ooooooh scary.





Go eco, if you are daft enough to spend several days in a muddy field and have a dump in a bucket then this is for you.

Cardboard tents, you don’t have to put them up. Take them dahn or carry them home.

Perfect....








A raccoon got his head stuck in a storm grate in Massachusetts — and it took a team of 10 first responders more than two hours to free him from the situation, according to reports.


Bless....








A Washington state woman participating in a fishing derby stuck an octopus on her boat race for a “photo op” and surprise surprise said Cephalopod bit her.

Gormless Bisceglia said "I thought, this is pretty cool. It was a gorgeous, exotic creature, and I put it on my face and said take my picture. Then all of a sudden, they notice and I notice, my eyes just widened, and it had put its beak into my chin, not once but twice. It was like a barbed hook going into my skin,"

She said she continued fishing in the derby for two days before deciding to go to the emergency room for the pain she was continuing to feel from the bites. The octopus, believed to be a Pacific red octopus or a juvenile giant Pacific octopus, had injected Bisceglia with venom.

Busceglia said she has learned her lesson about handling potentially dangerous animals.

So; not only a twat but a Numpty as well.









A Texas woman captured photos and videos of a huge spider eating a bat trapped in its web.

Annette Alaniz Guajardo said she was getting ready to leave for work Wednesday when she spotted the bat trapped in the web of a large black and gold garden spider at her Poteet home.

Guajardo said the bat was dead and the spider appeared to be eating it when she returned home from work.

Matt Bertone, an entomologist with the North Carolina State University Plant Disease and Insect Clinic, said the spiders, known scientifically as Argiope aurantia, generally eat insects, but they have been documented feasting on larger creatures.

No bloody thank you....






And today’s thought:

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.



Angus

Tuesday, 6 August 2019

My day in the NHS








Just a whimsy of atmospheric movement, nary a spot of skywater, and much lack of cold and dawns crack has gone away at the castle this morn.

I spent yesterday in the warm embrace of the NHS, I was woken at 4am by excruciating pain in the right plum, had to wait till 8am to phone the GP surgery, spent another ten minutes waiting to speak to the receptionist, explained (between screams) about said plum and was given an appointment at 10.40 am.
Then discovered that the road to the Aldershot Elf Centre (hospital Hill) was closed so set orf on a three mile diversion along the Farnborough road and dahn Queens Avenue which didn’t do the painful plum much good.


Arrived at 10.30 and used the Tablet thingy to book in which informed me that the doctor was running 19 minutes late. By 11.10 realised that the Tablet thingy tells lies and the right plum was now throbbing decided to stand up and walk around a bit, my seat was immediately taken by a “teenager” who seemed to be surgically attached to her phone, by 11.20 with painful legs and throbbing plum my name came up on the screen.
Waited outside the doctor’s room for five minutes before being called in by to my surprise a very attractive young female doctor, explained to said attractive young female doctor about plum which by now had run away and hidden itself.
Young attractive female doctor asked if she could examine said plum (and as it would be discourteous to say no) I dropped ‘em and laid dahn on the slab table.
Examination over (shame) young attractive female doctor started looking up Torsion and Testicle on the interweb and seemed quite concerned, and then mentioned the dreaded words-Grimly Dark ‘Orspital.
I was sent back out to wait while the young attractive female doctor finished her surgery and then went back in to be given a letter to take to A and E, it was now 12.20pm.



Set orf and arrived at Grimly Dark at 12.45pm, got my parking ticket from the robot with the barrier and spent ten minutes driving round and round, and round in the pitch black till I finally found a space (right at the back) as far away from the ‘Orspital as possible, staggered to A and E, waited for another ten minutes in the queue and handed my letter to the non smiling receptionist.
Waited another ten minutes while she read said letter then handed it to a non smiling nurse  who made a phone call to the Surgical Assessment Unit and told me to take a seat (still non smiling).
A while later (the pain had deprived me of sense of time) said non smiling nurse called me over and told me to report to SAU which I did.
Arrived at SAU and was greeted by yet another non smiling receptionist who scrutinised my plum letter and told me to take a seat.
Twenty minutes later (there was a clock opposite where I was sitting) a young not so attractive but smiling male doctor came in and took me to a room, where he proceeded to examine now disappeared plum, asked many many questions about urination and sex and then proceeded to shove his finger up my rear exit in a vain search for my prostate.
He decided it was not testicle torsion but an infection (pleased about that) but there would have to be blood tests done, it was now about 2.30 pm.
He told me to go and have something to eat and come back in an hour for the blood test results.
Staggered to the main entrance and purchase a turkey salad roll and a diet (no sugar no calories) coke £4.50 and retreated to the motor, the pain was now so bad that I had to stand to eat it.
Went back to SAU an hour and ten minutes later told non smiling receptionist I was there and took a seat.
Half an hour later not so attractive but smiling young male doctor appeared, checked the blood test results and said that it was an infection and that I could go home after I went to the pharmacy to get my antibiotics.
Limped about half a bloody mile to the pharmacy handed in the prescription to the non smiling receptionist who then asked me, did I pay for my prescriptions? My date of birth my name and what other drugs do I take.
I don’t know if anyone out there has had a raging plum infection but it is not conducive to a clear mind mine by the way was blank.
Given a number (71) and was told to sit, thirty minutes later my number appeared on the screen saying “collect at counter” under a sign which said “when your prescription is ready at the counter remain seated until called”?
Ten minutes later I was “called” to the counter and spent another ten minutes listening to a smiling young man explain many things about my antibiotics which went straight in one ear and out the other.
Finally left the pharmacy and limped another couple of hundred yards to the exit, another hundred to the Pay Machine thingy and queued for another ten minutes to pay for the parking.
Limped another hundred yards to the motor, spent ten minutes queuing to leave the car park and finally escaped from Grimly Dark  £5.50 lighter.
Got home at about 5.pm took an antibiotic, a couple of painkillers and went to bed which is where I still am and will remain until the festering plum has stopped throbbing.
The butler can earn his keep...for once.
Conclusion:
Pleased with the very attractive young female GP, pleased with the not so attractive young male doctor, not so pleased with the non smiling receptionists and nurses, bloody disgusted with the car parking charges.
The SAU could do with a lick of paint but the Grimly Dark non medical staff could do with a jump start to their demeanour, a bit of humanity, a smidgen of humour and I know that they have a stressful job and are overwhelmed but how would they like to treated when they are in pain and not feeling their best?
Surprisingly satisfied with my day in the NHS.
Angus

Friday, 2 August 2019

Welsh smack-down: Kidney killer: Ballsy Horse: Human Monkey hybrid and Trump’s follies.




Much lack of cold, negative atmospheric movement, no chance of skywater and dawns crack is magnificent at the castle this morn.



MOT day for the motor, I think I would rather go to for a colonoscopy.





The Welsh assembly has backed a bill to remove “reasonable punishment” as a defence to give the same legal protection from physical punishment as adults.

The legislation would mean a parent or guardian could not use the defence if accused of assault or battery against a child.

Battered child; isn’t that Scotland?

Good job they didn’t grow up in the 1950s.






A pair of teenage girls were rushed to hospital with kidney damage after a three hour squatting match got out of hand.

Xiao Tang, 19, did over 1000 squats to be crowned champion despite admitting she was ‘not used to exercise’.

She had challenged a friend to the exercise match over video chat and both refused to back down. The duo squatted for two to three hours to see who had the best stamina, before mutually giving in.

But their bid to out-squat each other backfired when they woke up the next day with aching legs and brown urine.

They were diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis, a serious condition caused by skeletal muscle injury.



Dr Bruce Cohen, a medical officer for the FBI, told Live Science getting this condition through extreme exercise is rare. He said squatting isn’t usually dangerous but it was likely the girls exerted themselves well above their physical limits.



No shit, I always knew exercise was dangerous.








A tourist learned the hard way why it’s important not to ignore local warnings.

A beachgoer in a skimpy swimsuit tried to pet a wild horse at a beach, only to find out why locals advise against it.

As the man touched the animal, it kicked him in the plums.

The incident occurred on Assateague Island, located off the coast of Maryland, The Sun reported. It has not been reported if the man was injured in the incident, although the footage showed him falling to the ground in pain.

The horses on Assateague Island are famous among locals and travellers. It’s unclear how exactly they ended up on the island, but according to local folklore, they landed on Assateague after surviving a shipwreck over 300 years ago.




Makes your eyes water.....









Scientists claim to have created the world's first human-monkey hybrid using groundbreaking scientific techniques.

The human-monkey embryos, in which human cells are added to the monkey embryos, were created by researchers in China.

They hope the breakthrough will eventually create an endless supply of human organs for transplants.

But critics have warned that the scientific development will create "disturbing" dilemmas over the ethics of human-animal hybrids.

WTF is wrong with some of us?



And finally:







Donald Trump has shown his magnificent grasp of words yet again.


Old ferret hair has caused a splash on Twitter after he tweeted to say he had met the "Prince of Whales".

Mr Trump subsequently deleted his tweet and corrected his error.

Referring to his recent UK state visit, the president initially wrote on Twitter: "I meet and talk to 'foreign governments' every day.

"I just met with the Queen of England (U.K.), the Prince of Whales, the P.M. of the United Kingdom, the P.M. of Ireland, the President of France and the President of Poland.



Other gems from Donald include:

'Extremely stable genius': Trump responds to Pelosi criticism

"Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart,"

“So great looking and smart, a true Stable Genius!”



Yeah right.... He looks like he is taking a dump, good job the nappy is porous...



That’s it: I’m orf to watch a warped galaxy



And today’s thought: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln (a real US president)



Angus

Wednesday, 31 July 2019

“M”: BoJoPro: Deep Fried Ice Cream: Failed Test: Kiss a Croc and No Boys or Girls.








Minimal lack of cold, moderate atmospheric movement, medium skywater and dawns crack seems to have healed up at the castle this morn.



It is 14 years to the day that a surgeon managed to kill my dear “M”, time doesn’t heal but it does distance you from the pain, the NHS covered up, lied, misinformed and protected themselves, the surgeon, CEO and the medical director have all retired, I hope that they have a long life to consider their self serving decisions.

If you want to read the whole sorry story click here





And has shown a proclivity for a fan, you decide.







Fish and chip shop McMonagle's Boat has introduced "frice-cream" - a roll stuffed with vanilla ice-cream then battered and fried.

Diners are enjoying the wacky £1 treat from the famous chip shop boat, which is moored on the Forth and Clyde canal, at Clydebank, West Dunbartonshire.

As well as deep fried heart attack you can also get "frickles" - battered pickles.

No surprise there then.




A driving examiner was run over and killed by a 68-year-old woman taking her test, police have confirmed.

The 35-year-old was struck down and killed by the candidate at a test centre during the part of the exam that focuses on manoeuvres.

The incident happened in the southern Polish city of Rybnik on Monday.

It's not yet known how the woman came to run over the man.

At the time of the accident, the examiner was likely testing another candidate, the police said.

I’m saying nothing...







A man kisses a crocodile for a boat trip of tourists in Costa Rica.

Juan Cerdas said it is one of his “hobbies” to feed and kiss the creatures for tourists on the ‘crocodile river tour’ that sails the Tarcoles River.

The river, in the province of Puntarenas, has one of the highest crocodile populations in the world.

Many of them are American crocodiles, who are typically found in Florida and are one of the only species that can walk on four legs.

They can grow up to 17 feet long and weigh hundreds of pounds.

And they can stay where they bloody are...

And finally:




A primary school has sparked controversy after reportedly banning teachers from calling their pupils boys or girls.

Instead, teachers are the school are being told to use gender-neural terms for the benefit of kids who are confused about their gender.

Director of children and learning at Southend Council, Brin Martin, says the move from Leigh North primary in Essex is a positive one.

However Sidonie Bertrand-Shelton, of LGBT group Stonewall, argued: “It’s vital to create school environments where all children can reach their full potential.”



Absolute bollocks, boys are boys and girls are girls, let them decide when they are older, see my post 2 back.



That’s it: I’m orf to tickle me ears...just in case


And today’s thought:

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'"
~ Tommy Cooper ~ just like that....


Angus

Sunday, 28 July 2019




Design flaws: More Brexit Bollocks: Lewis Hamilton: Lucky Bugger: and Ugly Dogs.


Much lack of bloody hot, promise of sky water a fair bit of atmospheric movement and Dawns crack is covered with wispy white stuff (think her upstairs needs to get the Caneston out) at the castle this morn.



I recently purchased an SDK card for my laptop, it arrived very quickly and then it took me about half an hour to open the bloody thing, eventually with the help of a Stanley knife and a pair of scissors I managed to extract the much needed memory card, which led me to think of other things that really piss me orf.





Those supposedly “childproof” pill bottles, toilet duck things, bleach bottles, milk container seals that either take a knife to get open or are so loose that you lay them on their side in the fridge and the next time you open the door there is a pint of milk all over the contents and then on the kitchen floor. And virtually anything wrapped in that see through plastic.

Is this the result of design flaws? Or is it us?





My guess is dahn the centre and then a left.


Over to the right a bit in German Germany







At one point on Saturday morning, Lewis Hamilton was not even sure he would be able to race in the German Grand Prix, so bad did he feel with an illness that has been bothering him this weekend at Hockenheim and which took a turn for the worse overnight.

Oh dear, poor little sod.

How much is Hamilton's deal with Mercedes worth? Hamilton's contract pays him £40million a year, a significant rise from his previous deal, which was worth £33million per season - on an equal footing with Sebastian Vettel. The new deal only runs for two years as the driver is unsure of his place in F1 once Liberty media make sweeping rule changes in 2021.



If they paid me that much I would happily drive round and round for two hours every couple of weeks even with Man Flu....





Dylan McWilliams, a 20-year-old from Colorado has apparently managed to survive a snake, bear and shark attack.

On the island of Kauai in Hawaii he was enjoying the Pacific waves on Thursday morning when he felt something hit his leg. He explained: "I saw the shark underneath me. I started kicking at it - I know I hit it at least once - and swam to shore as quickly as I could."



Back in the home of the free and the land of the brave in Colorado while sleeping outdoors, he was woken up to find his head being clamped in the jaws of a bear.

"This black bear grabbed me by the back of the head, and I was fighting back, poking it in the eye until it let me go," Dylan describes vividly.

His friends awoke to the commotion, but after the 300 pound (136 kg) male bear stomped on Dylan, it walked away.

Still in Trump land, "I was walking down a trail and I thought I kicked a cactus but couldn't see one, and then saw a rattlesnake all coiled up."

The then 17-year-old made the call not to go to the hospital because he figured he had only suffered a dry bite. "There was a little venom so I did get a bit sick for a couple of days,"



He is now impatient for his wounds to heal so he can get back on to the surf. Despite his run of bad luck, he encourages everyone to experience the outdoors. "I still go hiking, I still catch rattle snakes, and I will still swim in the ocean."



Some people never learn....




And finally.

Over again to the left a lot








Say no more....


That’s it: I’m orf to Buy some green car parts


And today’s thought: "Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
~ Winston Churchill ~ 


Angus.

Wednesday, 24 July 2019




Bo-Jo Bollocks, LGBT-WTF Bollocks, Brexit Bollocks, Flying arsehole, and Russian sex.



Dawns crack is massive, not a whimsy of atmospheric movement, much lack of cold and massive residue of sky water at the castle this sweaty morn.

It has been more than many moons since the last post on this piss poor blog but, what is happening in what is left of Blighty has forced me to enter into the Web thingy again.








And yet again we have a Tory with no majority, no statesmanship and less than no chance of taking on the super state of the EU in a vain attempt to lead us from Germany’s domain.

So, we have yet another unelected Prime Monster, as Terry leather-legs May-be sidles orf back to the forest in Harry Potter, Bo-Jo slithers under the front door of 10 Downing Street.

What we will have is a repeat of the last three years, where moronic self serving MPs will bend Boris over the Commons mace and butt fuck him until he agrees to a second referendum.

Because no matter who is in charge and what is infesting the House of Commons “they” do not want to obey the people who put them in power and pay their not inconsiderable salaries and expenses.


Oh dear....


Is it me or are minorities taking over the asylum?




There appears to be a revolution, the LGBT portion of what used to be our free country have suddenly become the ruling class, there are massive gatherings, “Gay Pride” thingies and even the BEEB and the Co-op has joined the throng.

Don’t get me wrong I have no problem with chaps who want to shove their “man sausage” up another man's rear exit or Lady lovers who want to pummel another Lady lovers’ pussy, if that is their want then go at it, but PLEASE, PLEASE do not inflict your lifestyle on me.

I used to watch Holby City on Auntie but have stopped because the plot line has changed from the patients and the NHS to gay nurses, gay doctors and gay consultant/consultant, gay nurse/doctor, gay doctor/doctor and gay patient/doctor themes.

Good for them they should rename it Gaybe, I only pay the license fee which it seems I will be doing till I pop orf this mortal coil now.



And the co-op has released adverts extolling the virtue of celebrating LGBT people who “need to be loved” with a strawberry.

WTF!

How about a heterosexual pride gathering in the smoke letting all and sundry know that we black, white, brown yellow and any other colour who like the opposite sex still exist and are the majority in Bighty and across the globe.


Or am I just getting old?









A passenger who allegedly caused two RAF jets to be scrambled to escort a plane back to Stansted Airport has been sent an £85,000 bill by the airline.

Chloe Haines, 25, is accused by Jet2 of a ‘catalogue of aggressive, abusive and dangerous behaviour’ on a flight bound for Dalaman in Turkey, including trying to open the aircraft doors during the flight.

The flight had to be escorted back to Stansted Airport by two Typhoon fighter jets while she was restrained by cabin crew and customers. A former bouncer who tackled her to the ground said she kicked, punched and screamed at the stewards.

Makes you proud...doesn’t it?




And finally.









A woman died after being crushed under her partner when they fell nine storeys while having sex over a balcony. It is believed he survived after she cushioned his fall at the tower block in St Petersburg, Russia.

According to witnesses the man staggered back into the building and went upstairs to join his friends. When they turned up, police initially thought they were dealing with a murder and sex attack after finding the woman with no clothing on the lower half of her body at the base of the building.

They also found a TV at the scene and believed it may have been the murder weapon.

However, witnesses told them about the couple having sex in the flat before falling.


The man, who only sustained minor injuries, has been tracked down and is currently under investigation, according to reports.


Surprised he didn’t take the TV back up.







And today's thought.


"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

~ Albert Einstein ~ 

Take note parliament...


Angus 


Saturday, 23 September 2017

Here we are again? Manopause part 3, what a World, Saturday apocalypse, Buggered up Blighty Brexit and an anal Chinese worker.




Not much of a lack of warm, nary a whimsy of atmospheric movement, even less solar activity and more than enough skywater at the castle this last morn.




It has been many moons since the last post, this is dahn to the lack of testosterone and energy for poor old Angus, but after eleven long months of eight weekly injections in both arse cheeks and a “trough” level of 8.4 rising to 8.5 the “Consultant” finally increased the bum pricks to every six weeks and the result has been amazing, after just one round of jabs I have decorated the entire castle in lovely magnolia sorted out the garden, and replaced the piss poor Peugeot with a nice reliable Nissan, I did consider an Alfa but I didn’t want to spend most of my time waiting on the side of the road waiting for a breakdahn truck.







In the land of the brave and the home of the free America is being ruled by a childish septuagenarian war mongering psychotic fuckwit who it seems is intent on starting world war three with a childish Tricenarian war mongering psychotic fuckwit who seems intent on starting world war three.

Oh dear we are stuffed.





Apparently according to Revelations 12:1 a huge hidden planet is about to hit this planet or what’s left of it that we call home.

It is due to hit today and will spark a series of events that is likely to kill us all,

Or not.......







 Prime Monster Terry “leather legs” Maybe our beloved prevaricating leader who reminds me of the bastard child of a Dementor and one of the giant spiders in Harry Potter is still arsing about over Brexit, her latest crap “speech” which she had to travel to Florence to vomit out includes sound bites such as:



Transition period could be around two years, during which time access to the single market will continue on current terms

· a "bold new security agreement" between the UK and EU


· On trade, both sides could do "so much better" than adopting existing models


· The UK would honour commitments made while it remains a member


· There was "no need to impose tariffs where there are none now"




· EU chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier described the speech as "constructive"




Bollocks...



And finally:











Construction worker Yang Ming underwent a seven-hour operation to remove the reinforced steel after it shot up through his anus and stopped just under his right shoulder, narrowly avoiding contact with his vital organs.


He accidentally electrocuted himself with live wires and fell backwards, landing on a bar on the ground in the building site.


Mr Ming’s intestines, bladder, pancreas, liver and lungs suffered minor tears but none of the injuries were critical.


He lost just a point of blood in the industrial accident and he is now recovering in hospital.


The bar was removed intact.



I know how he feels I’ve had a prostate exam......


That’s it: I’m orf to get my old ears tested




And today’s thought:


Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.



Angus