Argy Atlantis: Boris exposed: Seven fingered Numpty: Brazilian virus: Death Wish Coffee: and Glowing with health.

Miserable misty stuff, much lack of warm, minimal atmospheric movement and sod all solar stuff at the Castle this morn, the butler is feeding fat, carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace with a will and his Maj has discovered the joy of ambush from the top of the kitchen cupboards.

I am orf to the General Medic tomorrow to have my elbow “pecked” so there may not be a post for a day-or three...

 

West to the land of ‘Orses and grass

Apparently until the 1980s, Villa Epceun was a thriving tourist hotspot 350 miles south of the Argentinean capital Buenos Aires. All that changed on November 10, 1985 though, when a prolonged period of heavy rain caused the salt water lagoon that brought so many visitors to the area to burst its banks, submerging the entire village in 30 feet of water.

But 27 years later the waters have almost entirely receded and the town has re-emerged from the murk.

Roads can still clearly be made out, particularly around the town's slaughterhouse and its religious monuments.

A launderette, complete with tumble dryers and washing machines, can be seen in one image but, as with much of the rest of the town, the sheer force of the water that engulfed it has left the area in ruins.

And as always an Argy has claimed a bit of land and has moved back in, the village's sole occupant Pablo Novak said he spends his days cycling around the ruins, remembering his home town's “glory days”.

The 81-year-old said: “Until about four or five years after the flood, when the waters were still high, nobody came around here at all...I was totally alone. All day, every day”.

Mr Novak says that in recent months, more and more visitors have been returning to the area, some to view the waterlogged village, while others return in an attempt to salvage possessions they never thought they'd see again.

 

Spiffing; with the extra territory they don’t need the Falklands then....

 

And Auntie is “doing” Boris

In a forthcoming BBC 2 documentary, the mayor of London says he thinks the job of PM is "very, very tough".

But he will say he would like to "have a crack" at it "if the ball came loose from the back of a scrum".

The mayor has been talked up as a possible future Conservative leader, but he has always said he would see out his second term as mayor until 2016.

Documentary maker Michael Cockerell told the Radio Times that when asked whether he harboured any desires for the top job, Mr Johnson answered: "I think it's a very tough job being prime minister.

"Obviously, if the ball came loose from the back of a scrum - which it won't - it would be a great, great thing to have a crack at.

"But it's not going to happen."

In the documentary, Mr Johnson says he feels embarrassed about his past as a member of the notorious Bullingdon Club, a dining group for ex-public schoolboys at Oxford University, whose members also included Mr Cameron.

"This is a truly shameful vignette of almost superhuman undergraduate arrogance, toffishness and twittishness," he said.

"But at the time you felt it was wonderful to be going round swanking it up. Or was it? Actually I remember the dinners being incredibly drunken."

Asked about the club's reputation for smashing up restaurants, he admitted: "Yes. And the abiding memory is of deep, deep self-loathing."

 

Bonkers Boris also reveals there is a strategy behind his public persona: "As a general tactic in life, it is often useful to give the slight impression that you are deliberately pretending not to know what's going on - because the reality may be that you don't know what's going on, but people won't be able to tell the difference."

 

No change there then.....

 

West again to where people have the right to bare arms

Police in Pennsylvania said a man is facing weapons charges after shooting his own finger while attempting to "get rid of his wedding ring."

Bradford police said officers responded at 8:56 p.m. March 2 to a home on a report of a man intentionally shooting off his own finger and they arrived to find Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, 31, a lieutenant at the Federal Correctional Institution-McKean, bleeding from a severe wound to his left hand, The Bradford Era reported Monday.

Malespini, who police said was highly intoxicated, told officers he was "trying to get rid of his wedding ring" and had decided to "shoot it off."

Police said the man's attempt had been unsuccessful, as the finger was nearly severed but the ring was still attached.

Twat....should have used some Vaseline-I’m sure there is an ample supply in the prison.

 

 And East more than a whimsy

Allegedly having a Brazilian is bad for your health, a dermatologist in Nice, France, observed more and more patients coming to his office with molluscum contagiosum virus (MCV) outbreaks in their nether regions. About 93 percent of these 30 patients, both male and female, shaved, waxed, or clipped their pubic hair. This made Dr. Francois Desruelles, MD, wonder about the relationship between grooming downstairs and the spread of MCV.  

“Pubic hair removal is a body modification for the sake of fashion, especially in young women and adolescents, but also growing among men,” writes Desruelles in a letter published online in the British Medical Journal. “Anyway, pubic hair removal may be a risk factor for STMC [sexually transmitted MCV] or perhaps other STIs …”

MCV, a pox virus, spreads by skin-to-skin contact, from sharing items such as towels or clothes, or sexual contact. It causes pearly papules with dimples in the middle. While MCV looks unsightly, it is not painful and often goes away without treatment. Although a few bumps might be an inconvenience, some people develop hundreds of these papules, which can be embarrassing and disfiguring.

After looking at cases of sexually transmitted MCV, Desruelles believes that people are self-inoculating, meaning they are giving themselves pubic MCV from grooming. A person might shave a papule on her leg, for example, and the virus remains on the blade, which transfers it to her lady parts.

 

You’d need a strimmer to sort out my nether hair...

  

Left again to the place where apples are large

A New York man is marketing the world's strongest coffee - under the brand name of Death Wish Coffee.

Double the strength of an espresso, Death Wish Coffee even comes with a disclaimer warning drinkers to expect 'many sleepless nights'.

Mike Brown, the man behind the blend, used to work in a small coffee shop in New York, but got fed up with customers asking for stronger coffee.

"I always had customers coming in asking for our strongest and boldest roast," he said.

"I had to go through the process every day of explaining to them that dark roasts were actually the least caffeinated.

"This began my journey for finding and roasting the Death Wish bean and after many trial and error processes I found it.

"The type of blend, bean and roasting process we use makes Death Wish Coffee the strongest in the world.

"Its actual process is a secret because we have created something revolutionary and we do not want it stolen."

The extra-strong coffee is available to buy on Amazon and can be bought in packs of either ground coffee or whole beans.

 

Think I’ll stick to the instant stuff...

 

And finally:

 

From the country of European invaders

 

The largest pain management centre in the world, and a popular health tourism destination, the Healing Caves of Gastein welcome over 75,000 people every year. They all flock to this miraculous place to undergo a controversial form of therapy with radioactive radon gas used to cure a variety of medical conditions, from arthritis to psoriasis.

When the people of Gastein started exploring the nearby Radhausberg Mountain in search of gold, they had no idea they would discover something infinitely more valuable – naturally occurring low levels of radon gas. In time, they realized that the radioactive gas combined with the mountain caves’ high humidity and temperatures of up to 41.5° Celsius helped strengthen their immune system and cured some very serious illnesses. Word about the Gastein Healing Caves spread like wild fire throughout all of Austria, Germany and other Central European countries, and today Gastein is known not only as a world-class skiing destination, but also as a miraculous place of healing with a mind-blowing success rate of 90%. Most of the people who come here for radon treatment say a few sessions in the caves keep them pain-free for a whole year. Apparently, the radioactive gas is absorbed through the skin and lungs, activating the body at a cellular level and stimulating the self-healing process.

 

Pass.....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to track the old eyes

 

And today’s thought:

Who is next...?

 

 

Angus

A whimsy more than a quickie

Oodles of solar stuff, not a jot of skywater, even less lack of warm and slight atmospheric movement at the Castle this morn, I tried to enact the old 'Ampshire ritual of snatching Dawn's crack but unfortunately in  my enfeebled state I fell orf twice and poked myself in the eye with a stick at the third attempt.


But the old bod is on the mend, I am finally able to stand upright and sit dahn for even longer without having to resort to the four poster, instead of the ring of agony I just feel as if I have been kicked in the side by an 'Orse which I know can't be true because all the 'Orses in the world are Dahn Tesco hiding in the freezers disguised as cows.


And as to the cause of the ring of agony-it wasn't the man-boob bra because I use one of those new super duper all encompassing uplifting invisible under your clothes do-dahs.

All I did was to take an empty milk container out to the "recycling" bin, as I lowered the drawbridge and stepped out there was a massive blast of more than cold wind which made me sneeze as I lifted up the lid and "presto"-bad back and the ring of agony.


Now: I blame the Government entirely for my mishap because if they had introduced global warming as promised in their manifesto none of this would have happened, I would have been able to walk to the bin in my shirt sleeves without having to spend five bloody days in bed.

And I would like a rebate from the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition for all the filthy lucre I have given them to make Blighty on a par with the Med which they have failed to do miserably-as usual.

Ta very much for your good wishes and advice.

See you tomorrow-maybe...



Angus

Ailing Blighty: Food poverty: Supporting the rich: Church clucker: Crap Mars voyage: and the Crap bits of Bible.

More than the minimum of scrapey-scrapey stuff, multitudes of lack of warm, maximum lack of atmospheric movement and Dawn’s crack is a welcome sight at the Castle this morn.

 

I see that we are killing ourselves all across buggered up Blighty

 

According to “experts” the UK is lagging behind progress by similar countries on many indicators for ill-health, and that although average life expectancy has risen by four years since 1990, the UK needs to increase its strategies for tackling preventable problems such as heart disease and stroke.

‘Elf secretary Jezza CHunt has a cunning plan though; he is going to announce things which aim to cut deaths from major diseases by, for example, increasing screening for people with possible heart problems.

 It is of course our fault because some of us still smoke, even more of us are drinking too much and many, many people are eating the wrong type of foodstuffs. 

So if we give up the fags, take the pledge and spend a fortune on “approved” grub we could live a long, healthy and thoroughly miserable life until we are put on the Liverpool Pathway and die of starvation and thirst.

 

And talking of our diets

About 4.7million people are now in food poverty, a report claims today.

The poorest people are forced to spend significantly more than ten per cent of their income on food and non-alcoholic drinks, researchers found.

The very poorest households spend even more of their gross income, almost a quarter, on food.

Many people on low incomes may even be at risk of malnutrition with the poorest households cutting back on fruit by 20 per cent and vegetables by 12 per cent.

The study, carried out for Kellogg’s by the Centre for Economics and Business Research, comes as the food giant pledges to provide Trussell Trust food banks with 15million portions of cereals and snacks over the next three years.

Since the financial crisis began, the number of people fed by Trussell Trust food banks has risen from 26,000 in 2008 to 280,000 last year.

 

That’ll put us further up the league tables...

 

Son of a B......aronet

And alien reptile in disguise George (I wish I was WBanker) Osborne is orf to the place where sprouts come from in an effort to reverse the European Parliament's proposals to curb bankers' bonuses. 

He will of course fail miserably as is his way, and as he has failed more than miserably to “manage” the economy.

But at least he is sticking up for those that have much and still ignoring we who have fuck all as is his wont...

 

Left a lot to the home of roosters and the land of religion

 

Photo: Guzelian

The Church by the Sea at Tampa, Florida, not only resembles a chicken, but a chicken with attitude.

 

Couldn’t resist it....

 

Boldly going to the Red planet in 2018

The man and woman aboard the Inspiration Mars mission set to fly-by the Red Planet in 2018Movie Camera will face cramped conditions, muscle atrophy and potential boredom. But their greatest health risk comes from exposure to the radiation from cosmic rays.

The solution-line the spacecraft’s walls with water, food and their own faeces.

Allegedly solid and liquid human waste products would get put into bags and used as a radiation shield – as well as being dehydrated so that any water can be recycled for drinking. “Dehydrate them as much as possible, because we need to get the water back,” Taber MacCallum, a member of the team funded by multimillionaire Dennis Tito said. “Those solid waste products get put into a bag, put right back against the wall.”

Food too, could be used as a shield, he said. “Food is going to be stored all around the walls of the spacecraft, because food is good radiation shielding,” he said. This wouldn’t be dangerous as the food would merely be blocking the radiation, it wouldn’t become a radioactive source.

The details of Inspiration Mars’s plans have yet to be clarified, but the team has said it will be using “state-of-the-art technologies derived from NASA and the International Space Station”. One idea that is already under consideration by the agency’s Innovative Advanced Concepts programme which funds research into futuristic space technology, is a project called Water Walls, which combines life-support and waste-processing systems with radiation shielding.

 

Good luck with that...

 

And finally:

 

Right to the land of.....something

 

A Finnish toilet paper maker has removed quotes from the Bible, including the words of Jesus that it inadvertently placed on its rolls after protests from some Norwegian church leaders.

Metsa Tissue was trying to convey messages about love but accidentally included lines from the Gospel of Matthew and First Corinthians on toilet paper sold in Norway, Denmark and Sweden.

The firm selected the quotes from Facebook submissions, including one from Jesus: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

It only realized its mistake when it received feedback.

"People like to read small, happy messages while sitting on the toilet," Christina von Trampe, a spokeswoman for Metsa Tissue, which produces the Lambi brand, told Reuters.

"The vast majority of the feedback has been positive. Our intention was to spread love and joy, not religious messages."

Laila Riksaan Dahl the Bishop of Tunsberg in protestant Norway was apparently not amused.
 

No bleedin sense of humour these religious types...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to get a self-sketching whiteboard

 

And today’s thought:

 

 

 

 

Angus

Hairy future: Quack, quack: Lake Labynkyr monster: Peeing in public: Boiling without bubbles: and Skinny the fat cat.

Oodles of solar stuff, vast amounts of lack of warm, not even a threat of wet stuff and even less atmospheric movement at the Castle this morn.

The butler has been out collecting fat, carbon neutral teenagers for the furnace, the garden is still in need of a middling fettle and the Honda is dustier than the dustiest thing you could think of.

And the interweb thingy doesn’t like the cold...

 

Allegedly a cure for the lack of hirsute heads

Could be on shelves in two years, scientists are already talking with pharmaceutical firms about making the product, which would work by stopping the effects of a single guilty enzyme.

US-based dermatologists announced earlier this year that they had found that an enzyme, called prostaglandin D2 (PGD2), instructed follicles to stop producing hair.

They identified it by screening 250 genes implicated in hair loss.

George Cotsarelis, head of dermatology at Pennsylvania University, said the one responsible for levels of PGD2 played “the major role”.

He said he was now talking with several drugs firms about creating the anti-baldness product.

About four in five men will experience some degree of baldness by the age of 70. In bald patches follicles are still making hairs, but less well than before. The hairs get shorter and shorter until they are either barely visible or do not even break the skin’s surface.

 

And about bloody time...

 

Unlike today’s NHS the Victorians knew how to kill patients-or not

Cocaine - and other drugs like morphine - were routinely used in remedies for coughs, colds and toothaches as a cure-all magic ingredient in the Victorian era.

Long before the drugs were criminalised - and prior to the regulation of both medicine and advertising - the substances were frequently touted as effective treatments for illnesses as serious as cancer and liver disease.

All the products were once readily available over the counter and millions rushed to snap them up around the world in the late 1800s.

One advert for Ozone paper urges buyers to ignite its special paper and inhale the smoke to cure their asthma and bronchitis.

While Dr Seth Arnold’s Cough Killer’s campaign showed a young girl clutching a puppy - but contained high levels of Morphine.

Another ad dating back to 1885 advertised its 'instantaneous cure' for toothache - using cocaine.

How times have changed-or not....

 

Allegedly there is a monster in Siberia

Locals call it the Devil. They say it lifts up boats and wails when it attacks. Now underwater sonar shows they might be telling the truth.

Lake Labynkyr is located 5000 kilometres east of Moscow. It is 60 kilometres away from town of Oymyakon – the coldest place on earth. But while every other lake in the area becomes an ice-skating rink in winter - this lake does not freeze over. Ever.

It also has no plant life.

Associate Professor of Biogeography Lyudmila Emeliyanova told The Siberian Times that on her mission to Lake Labynkyr in remote Siberia she recorded 'several seriously big underwater objects' with sonar readings.

So convinced is she that there is something down there that she has called for a new scientific mission to solve the mystery of the monster.

"It was our fourth or fifth day at the lake when our echo sounding device registered a huge object in the water under our boat," Ms Emeliyanova told The Times.

"The object was very dense, of homogeneous structure, surely not a fish nor a shoal of fish, and it was above the bottom. I was very surprised but not scared and not shocked, after all we did not see this animal we only registered a strange object in the water. But I can clearly say - at the moment, as a scientist, I cannot offer you any explanation of what this object might be."

That’s helpful...

 

West to the Big Apple

 

A New York hotel has become famous - for its toilet windows which enable people outside to see guests 'doing their business'.

Restroom users at the Boom Boom Room club on the 18th floor of the The Standard Hotel are completely visible from the street below.

The 10-foot, floor-to-ceiling windows give users fantastic views of the Manhattan skyline - but the visibility works both ways, reports the New York Daily News.

 

Nasty...

 

Still in the home of steam and the land of bubbles

 

“Scientists” have come up with a way to boil water without making bubbles based on the on the Leidenfrost effect

To stabilize a Leidenfrost vapour film and prevent bubbling during boiling, Patankar collaborated with Ivan U. Vakarelski of King Abdullah University of Science and Technology, Saudi Arabia. Vakarelski led the experiments and Patankar provided the theory. The collaboration also included Derek Chan, professor of mathematics and statistics from the University of Melbourne in Australia.

In their experiments, the stabilization of the Leidenfrost vapour film was achieved by making the surface of tiny steel spheres very water-repellent. The spheres were sprayed with a commercially available hydrophobic coating — essentially self-assembled nanoparticles — combined with other water-hating chemicals to achieve the right amount of roughness and water repellence. At the correct length scale this coating created a surface texture full of tiny peaks and valleys.

When the steel spheres were heated to 400 degrees Celsius and dropped into room temperature water, water vapours formed in the valleys of the textured surface, creating a stable Leidenfrost vapour film that did not collapse once the spheres cooled to the temperature of boiling water. In the experiments, researchers completely avoided the bubbly phase of boiling. …

 

That’ll come in handy in the kitchen...

 

And finally:

 

Dahn a bit to the Lone Star State

Skinny the cat isn’t and all 41 pounds of her needs a home.

A Dallas-area animal shelter has cared for the 5-year-old orange tabby since getting a call about a stray in a yard about a week ago.

Kim Chapin with Richardson Animal Services said Friday that Skinny's "very sweet" - and the largest cat she's seen in 21 years with the shelter.

Not surprising. U.S. government growth charts show Skinny weighs about as much as the average 4-year-old child.

Chapin says Skinny appears healthy except for being overweight and likely having diabetes. Blood tests have been ordered.

Chapin says somebody apparently had been caring for the cat but officials aren't sure who owned the huge kitty. 

That’s it: I’m orf to print a few lasers

 

And today’s thought:

You are not as bleedin sorry as we are...

 

Angus

 

Groceries and GPs: No change: Aisle of Man: iPad Pussy: Eastern Aloha Mahalo A Hui Ho: and a-Hoy Numpty.

Saw dawn’s crack between the white fluffy things at the Castle this morn, I have decided to put the new shorts back in the draw as the lack of warm in the atmospheric movement was beginning to give me frostbite on my old dangly bits...

The garden is in need of a minor fettle, the Honda is covered in yellow dusty stuff again and his Maj has decided that he doesn’t want to parachute into the grounds.

And I won’t mention the lack of metal gongs from the thing going on in the Smoke and elsewhere.

No post tomorrow-personal reasons: my lovely young lady is coming to trim my head hair, and the Nork who ballsed up the furnace is returning to put his errors right.

Dahn West and up Norf

Sainsbury's has opened two more GP surgeries in its supermarkets this year and has urged more practices to come forward to run primary care services in its stores.

The two surgeries come after four opened in Sainsbury's stores across the country last year and are based in stores in Newton Abbot in Devon, which opened in January, and Sunderland, which opened in May.

One surgery, which will be operated by GPs at the Buckland Surgery, Newton Abbot, has a fully equipped consultation room and will offer GP consultations every Monday Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

 

Good idea?

Back in the Olympic Smoke

Allegedly son of a B......aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t get past “A”) Osborne will keep both his jobs, aides to the prime monster told the Daily Mail that it was "completely absurd" to suggest that Osborne would be removed from his role in the Treasury in the autumn.

They also confirmed that Osborne will maintain his strategist role for the Conservatives, saying "it is a strength, at a time of economic crisis, to have a chancellor who regularly attends meetings at Downing Street".

That’s us stuffed then.....

Left a lot to the big bit of fruit

Westside Market in New York launched the city’s first “man aisle,” a haven for alpha-males tasked with buying groceries.

The “aisle” — which is actually an end-cap to an aisle — has all the essentials including, but not limited to: deodorant, a cornucopia of Doritos, ramen, beef jerky, beer, condoms and bottled water.

Because guys apparently love crushing empty plastic containers in their meaty manfists after chowing down on pickles and Chips Ahoy cookies.

According to Ian Joskowitz, chief operating officer of Westside Market NYC- essentially, the area is “grocery shopping for dummies” for these men. Who, if they are buying for their families, are doing their wives and children a great health and culinary disservice.

Oh dear....

Still in the home of silicon valley and the land of Pussies

Developer Little Hiccup has created a series of iPad apps designed to keep pets across the globe entertained and stimulated.

Its first App Game For Cats features a fast-moving mouse pointer which is said to appeal to their hunting instincts as they try to catch it.

It has been so popular that its creator TJ Fuller has followed up the App with a sequel named Paint For Cats.

 Designed for the more artistic moggy, the App makes a colourful paw imprint when a cat touches the screen.

The App was recently tested at an animal shelter where it received a positive response, with bigger cats such as lions and tigers even taking to it.

Oh dear, oh dear....

East more than oodles of miles

From land that has never been troubled by radiation comes a new world record for the largest ukulele ensemble.

More than 2,000 strummers gathered in Yokohama, Japan's second-largest city, to trump the previous record set in Sweden.

The group were watched by Guinness World Records officials, AFP news agency said, and played a song called Aloha Mahalo A Hui Ho, written by a Hawaii-born former sumo wrestler.

They set the record during Japan's "Ukulele Picnic Week".

The diminutive guitar-shaped instrument originated from Hawaii, where it is also synonymous with hula dancing.

The previous record was set in August last year by 1,547 uke-wielding Swedes in Helsingborg.

More than one string to their bow then....

And finally: 

Back in time and back in the USA

On July 9^th 1993 Garry Hoy a lawyer for the law firm of Holden Day Wilson in Toronto attempted to prove to a group of his partners at the firm that the glass in the Toronto-Dominion Centre was unbreakable, so he threw himself at a glass wall on the 24th storey and fell to his death after the window frame gave way.

He had apparently performed this stunt many times in the past, having previously bounced harmlessly off the glass.

Should have worn a parachute...

That’s it: I’m orf to cancel my order for Windows 8

And today’s thought:

What makes you think I have been taking steroids Olympics?

Angus

Every little broadband: Up and dahn-again: Opaque transparency: Big Bougainvillea: I like to ride my Ferrari: Cyclegen in Brockenhurst: and Kung fu nuns.

Chucking it dahn (again) at the castle this morn, but it did turn out nice yesterday and I managed to sort out the hanging baskets, wall boxes and pots with nice new compost and liners, and even a spot of sitting in the sun for a while.

The arm is still OKish, the partial toof thingy still make me vomit and his Maj has become fussy over his grub-I think that a certain neighbour is slipping him “posh” food...

My favourite retailer

Has apparently come up with a cunning plan to entice us into a broadband “revolution” by offering up-to-20Mbps, unlimited web stuff at £2.50 per month.

Snags are-

You need to buy line rental from Tesco at £13.75/month and switch your phone service to them, with inclusive evening and weekend phone calls. Total price: £16.25/month.

The standard contract is 12 months, or there’s a £40 one-off charge to join on a 30-day rolling contract. You also have to be on a telephone exchange fitted with Tesco broadband equipment.

After 12 months, the service reverts to Tesco’s full price of £6.50/month plus line rental.

 

And probably price increases every month because every little helps-their profits.

After scuttling our aircraft carriers and grounding our Harrier jump jets

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires club Coalition has decided that when (if) we get new carriers the Government will now purchase the jump-jet model of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter plane instead, reversing one of the central decisions in the Coalition’s controversial defence review.

Defence Secretary no nuts Phil Hammond will claim the decision will save hundreds of millions of pounds and help the Armed Forces.

Apparently ministers will argue that the change could bring some military benefits to the UK. In particular, buying the jump-jet could mean the next generation of carriers is ready to sail

The decision to install catapults on the new carriers was expected to delay the arrival of the new vessels until at least 2020. Delays in completing the conventional variant plane could have pushed that date back to 2023 or even later, leaving the UK without a working aircraft carrier for at least a decade.

By contrast, the development of the jump-jet fighter is proceeding more smoothly than expected, meaning the aircraft could be ready to fly from the new carriers as early as 2018.

Adopting the jump-jet could also allow the Navy to have two operational carriers. Under the review, one of the new carriers is to be mothballed to save money.

Downing Street confirmed a statement on the carrier programme was imminent.

Err didn’t we already have carriers and jump jets?

Meanwhile the Secretary of Elf

Has decided to veto publication of the paper exposing the dangers of the latest health service shake-up in defiance of a tribunal, which said it should be released under the Freedom of Information Act.

Tosspot Lansley invoked a rarely used veto saying that, while he believed in ‘greater transparency’, it was essential to retain ‘a safe space where officials are able to give ministers full and frank advice in developing policies and programmes’.

Apparently it seems that according to “Mr” Lansley “The public had all the information it needed to decide on the reforms”

Except for the bits they don’t want us to see.......

 

East to the land of lots and lots of people

A big Bougainvillea is set to become top of the crops as it nears the 100-ft mark.

Planted more than 10 years ago, the monster plant has become a unique feature of a university campus.

And now the creeper has reached such a height that officials are applying to Guinness World Records for recognition.

One student at the college in Nanning, southern China revealed that occupants of the building have been taking time out of their studies to care for the plant.

"We all help to keep the plant healthy from the windows of our room with some leaf pruning or feeding," he said.

"We don't mind that it blocks out the light - it's beautiful to look at when it's in flower."

Hope they don’t have a hosepipe ban there....

Left to the land that isn’t Italy

Austrian artist Hannes Langeder spent a year creating the Fahrradi Farfall FFX based on the Italian sports car manufacturer's £1million track-only Ferrari FXX.

Very nice, but sadly it is pedal driven, made from a combination of plastic and light-weight steel, the unique bicycle weighs just 100kg and is steered using pedals which control 11 different gears.

Langeder even claims the vehicle actually lifts off the ground when ridden by a fast enough cyclist.

The eco-friendly car is currently on display at an automotive exhibition in Austria where it is considered road-safe.

 Wonder if it is congestion charge free?

Dahn in the New Forest

Guests in the “Standing Hat” room at Cottage Lodge in the village of Brockenhurst, can now keep fit, watch their favourite programmes, and do their bit for the environment using the novel device.

The room also features low-energy lighting, solar panels and a wood-burning stove to produce hot water, and a low-flow toilet and shower to reduce water use. The publicity also boasts that environmentally-friends paints and low-impact building materials were used throughout, while the room’s bed, bedside table, dressing table, wardrobe and mirror were crafted by a local tree surgeon from a single beech tree which fell in the village.

Christina Simons, the hotel’s owner, has spent nearly eight years turning it into a green retreat, but explained how the 360-year-old property has recycling in its heritage.

“The building dates back to 1650, and was actually constructed from a reclaimed ship,” she said.

Nothing new-the butler has been using one of those for years.

And finally: 

East again to Kathmandu

A prayer of nuns arrange themselves into lines around a golden Buddhist shrine to undergo a rigorous and aggressive martial arts routine as the world's first order of kung fu nuns.

The sisters of the Amitabha Drukpa Nunnery - aged from nine to 52 - come from across Nepal, India, Tibet and Bhutan to learn the ancient Chinese discipline of kung fu, which they believe will help them be better Buddhists.

Every day, they exchange their maroon robes and philosophical studies for an intense 90-minute session of hand chops, punches, shrieks and soaring high kicks.

"The main reason for practising kung fu is for fitness and for health, but it also helps with meditation and self-defence,'' 14-year-old Jigme Wangchuk Lhamo, who was sent to the nunnery from Bhutan four years ago, said.

"When we practise kung fu we are doing something which gives us not only strong bodies but also strong minds.''

 

Bet they don’t get nun....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to put the speed gun on a glacier.

And today’s thought:

They might get some.

Angus

Elf and biscuits: Barmy Medical Association: Wiped out: Asbo Numpty: Horsing around: and Naked golfers.

Not a lot of temperature at the Castle this morn, and allegedly it will be the last day of clement weather for a while, as I have sorted out the garden and we could do with some sky water I don’t mind that much but I think we will be left wanting.

While my shopping costs have risen by fifty percent over the last year

It seems that some departments attached to the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition have been splashing out on fripperies.

The Dept of ‘Elf has ordered an “urgent review” after it was revealed that it spent more than £100,000 in three months on "tea and biscuits".

Silly Billy’s crowd managed to piss away £214,059 for refreshments at the Home Office.

The Department for Culture, Media and Sport planted £3,527 on cut flowers and pot plants and the Foreign Office and its trading arm FCO Services exported £151,990 on taxi contracts over four months last year.

But apparently back at the Dept of Elf they have an excuse-a spokesman insisted the £109,017 biscuit bill was a marked improvement on the first three months of last year when officials managed to spend £137,000 on light refreshments and in 2010 when the spending reached £194,000.

And the ever useful Tory reason-"This spending relates to a hospitality contract that was started in 2005 under the previous administration”.

Oh well, that’s alright then....

Staying on the ‘Elf theme

Routine operations and doctor's appointments may be cancelled for 24 hours if doctors vote to take industrial action over pensions, the British Medical Association said on Thursday night.

Although the BMA's leaders ruled out a total strike, for reasons of patient safety, they have always made clear all other options were on the table. Stopping all but emergency work was the most radical possibility.

Allegedly "The action would be likely to involve the postponement of routine operations and non-urgent outpatient appointments in hospitals. GP practices would remain open and staffed so they could see patients in need of urgent attention, but routine, non-urgent appointments would not be available on the day of action." 

That’ll really hurt the BUPA enrolled rich gits in the cabinet....

And Auntie is axing Total Wipeout

The show, hosted by Amanda Byram and Top Gear's Richard Hammond, will return for one more series in its usual teatime Saturday slot before being shelved.

A BBC spokesperson said: 'After four very successful series of Total Wipeout - and one series of Winter Wipeout - the BBC has taken the decision that the next series, due to transmit later this year, will be the last.'

Total Wipeout sees 20 contestants kitted out with elbow pads and a helmet as they attempt to navigate a padded assault course without plummeting into water below, with rounds including Sucker Punch, the Cradles of Doom and the notoriously tricky Big Red Balls.

Which will leave us with:

1.    18:00–19:00

Winter Wipeout (for a while)
Celebrity Special 2

12/12. Celebrities including Terry Christian and Sophie Anderton tackle the obstacle course.

19:00–20:20

The Voice UK
Blind Auditions 2

The coaches battle it out to win over the most outstanding voices for their team.

20:20–21:10

The National Lottery: In It to Win It
31/03/2012

Five contestants compete to win a big money jackpot. Includes the weekend Lottery draws.

21:10–22:00

Casualty
Series 26, Saturday Night Fever

29/41. Jordan's date with Yvonne is put on hold when a former patient nearly dies in the cells.

22:00–22:20

BBC Weekend News
31/03/2012

National and international news from the BBC.

22:20–23:45

Match of the Day
2011/2012, 31/03/2012

Gary Lineker presents highlights including QPR v Arsenal and Wolves v Bolton.

23:45–01:05

The Football League Show
2011/2012, 31/03/2012

Manish Bhasin presents highlights from a vital afternoon at Upton Park.

Oh joy....worth every penny of my license fee....

Right a bit to the place next to Germany

A wealthy oil sheik managed to write orf his brand new Aston Martin worth nearly a quarter of a million pounds on the way to a business meeting.

The multimillionaire from Kuwait, 37, took his £200,000 wheels for a drive in between meetings when he veered off the road as he tried to overtake a cyclist with another car coming towards him in the other direction.

With the car burst into the flames after it came to a stop, the driver was fortunate enough to scramble free in time before flames engulfed the vehicle to ash.

It took 55 fireman two hours to bring the blaze under control in the Austrian capital Vienna and what was remaining among the debris of the car was just the engine and four wheel hubs.

Still when he gets home he can take out the Bentley Continental GT he has in his garage...

Somewhere on our planet.

A brainless Pillock decides to slap a horse on the rump-and gets his just reward.

And finally:

Over in Essex

A World record was set yesterday by 30 people who played miniature golf naked to raise money for charity.

The event, held at Adventure Island on Southend seafront, Essex, set the new world record of the most naked people to play miniature golf in one hour.

The participants raised more than £3,000 for The Prostate Cancer Charity.

Adventure Island managing director Marc Miller said: “It’s been an absolutely superb day with people all enjoying the chance to do something memorable, have good fun and raise a large amount of money for a fantastic, charity, of which we are proud to be patrons.

“People have travelled from all over the UK to take part – from as far afield as Durham, Devon and Birmingham – and we’ve heard some amazing stories from so many who have been directly, or indirectly, affected by cancer and wanted to give something back.”

Good for them-let’s hope they hit the right balls....

That’s it: I’m orf to count stars

And today’s thought:

Cabinet meeting.

Angus