Oh Dear!: Pussy security: Wight wants TT: Chenango Chobani Yogurt: Windy motor: and a Lambo lunatic.

Sunny, dry, calm and more than a whimsy cold at the Castle this morn, the butler is not happy because he is back stuffing fat carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace, his Maj has got the hump because the sun hasn’t reached his favourite bit of the grounds where he rolls in the dust, and I am a bit miffed because the windows need cleaning and today has the perfect weather to do it.

According to the Torygraph

The “leader” of the Piss Poor policies Millionaires Club Coalition is considering ordering billions of pounds in extra welfare cuts proposed in a confidential Downing Street policy paper.

The savings will be made from cutting back benefits for people of working age.

The plans include a new crackdown on housing benefit and a “mark two” system of universal credit to help push people off benefits back into full-time, rather than part-time, work. There are also understood to be a range of measures to encourage more women, particularly single mothers, to return to work.

 The author of this future roll of toilet paper Steve Hilton who has buggered orf to California for a while reckons that that another £25 billion can be cut from the welfare budget.

A Downing Street source said: “There is some really radical thinking going on around welfare, which is the most successful area of government policy so far. Why should people only work part time? Why are young people who are out of work not living at home? Why are we incentivising people to have more children?

California dreaming Hilton is regarded as a “blue sky thinker” whose radical and ambitious ideas have infuriated civil servants. Although some of his proposals have been dismissed as too radical and unrealistic, his plans for welfare reform are understood to be highly respected by the Prime Minister.

 

Oh dear.....

Right a lot and dahn a fair way

A South African businessman has got himself some extra protection - a Bengal tiger called Enzo.

The 330lb big cat lives with owner Michael Jamison and his girlfriend Jackie at their home in Brakpan.

They had always wanted a pet tiger - but decided to get one after twice being targeted by armed robbers.

"I feel much safer with Enzo in the house than without him," said Mr Jamison. "I wanted a tiger and then I got one."

One-year-old Enzo is actually a big baby who sleeps with Mr Jamison in his bed, has a cat box and enjoys eating on the kitchen counter.

He gets bottle-fed twice a day as well as consuming around 4kg of meat. He eats rice with chicken or mince alongside the couple's three dogs, with which he is apparently good friends.

My-that is a lot of pussy to have in your bed.....

Back in plan A Blighty-sort of

Motorcycle enthusiasts have started a campaign to bring TT-style road races to the Isle of Wight.

The proposal is to create an event similar to the TT "tourist trophy" races run on the Isle of Man.

The annual Manx festival attracted 37,000 visitors and generated £20m of income this year.

Campaigner Kara Rann said: "When you see the passion and enthusiasm, it's something the Isle of Wight is missing out on and it would certainly benefit".

A Facebook page set up by the campaign attracted 425 supporters in 36 hours.

The group has identified possible race routes which "avoid any villages" and plans to approach the council for backing for the idea.

Bit dodgy-have you seen the state of the roads on the Needles isle?

Left to the home of the Semi and the land of no corners

Along Interstate 88 westbound Monday night, just after 10:30 p.m., Broome County Sheriff's Deputies say a tractor trailer hauling Chobani Yogurt got on the ramp to Interstate 81 too fast. When it rounded a curve, the trailer slid over the embankment and spilled 36,000 pounds of yogurt on the shoulder and down the hillside.

The driver--Oleksandr Brychka, 24, of Lincoln, Nebraska--was able to get out of the cab on his own.

Although it was raining, deputies believe weather was not a factor.

The driver was ticketed with failure to reduce speed and improper lane use.

And for thinking he was Jensen Button...still that will help out the Greek problem a bit.

East more than many, many imperial units

In a small tractor workshop, 55-year-old farmer Tang Zhenping has invented the prototype of a car that he believes could revolutionise China's auto industry.

Mr Tang's model - built in just three months for around £1,000 - is electric.

Its engine uses scrap parts from a motorcycle and an electric scooter, while its steering wheel, upholstery and headlights all come from a Chinese-made Xiali hatchback.

And on the front is a turbine which springs into action at 40mph and produces pollution-free power.

The model has a top speed of 70mph.

The farmer says he dreamed of building an electric car for three decades, but was unable to interest government officials or private investors.

He now hopes car manufacturers will take an interest in his prototype.

"I'm not doing this just for the money," he told Sky News.

"I dream of seeing my car being driven on highways. I want to serve the people."

Ever tried to get to forty in a built up area?

And finally:

Back over to the home of the auto and the land of the rear exit

In the suburbs of Chicago a Lamborghini driver speeds away from the lights before losing control of his vehicle and ending up wedged between two cars.

The accident was filmed by people in the car behind who had started recording when the supercar pulled in front of them at a set of traffic lights.

The driver of the bright yellow Lamborghini Gallardo attempts to turn left at speed before losing control and shooting across the highway into oncoming traffic.

Luckily cars had slowed for the lights and instead of a head on collision the Lamborghini ended up wedged between two oncoming vehicles.

 

Oh dear what a shame.....

That’s it: I’m orf to sniff a robot.

And today’s thought:

Rear exit TT.

Angus

Perm that Jimmie, Bit Bike, Fat seats, ASBO artistes and Jobsworths

OK own up, who stole the Sun, come on I know one of you did it, it was there yesterday and this morning-gone. Nobody goes home until someone owns up.

First up:

Something for the weekend

What would you do if your hairdo wasn’t up to scratch?


Have a bit of a moan and ask for your money back or another coiffeur?


Not this “lady”, a furious customer had to be dragged off her hairdresser by police after her perm went wrong at a salon in Serbia.


Terrified Nevena Zivkovic dialled cops when hysterical Ruzica Radovic saw her bubble perm in a mirror after the treatment at a beauty parlour in Novi Sad.


Ruzica - who had to be calmed with a sedative at hospital - insisted she hadn't asked for curly hair.


A police spokesman said: "When we got a call from the shop we thought that there was a criminal in there attacking the staff.


"But instead what we found when we got there was an extremely angry lady who was unhappy with her hairdo.


"Our officers have had to deal with some very strange situations before but none of us can remember anything like this."


Shop owner Zivkovic said: "I am still in shock. She just went wild. If she was that unhappy she could have just said and we would have refunded her money."

Roller retard

A new twist on the wheelbarrow joke

A Chinese man was arrested for stealing a motorcycle - part by part over five years from the factory where he worked.

Zhang, an assembly line worker in a motorcycle factory in Chongqing, had always wanted his own motorbike but could never afford one.

He started stealing parts from the factory warehouse and assembling them at home in 2003, reports the Chongqing Times.

"I don't have that much money, so I came up with the idea of taking the parts home and assembling them on my own," said Zhang.

After five years, he had finally built himself a brand new SUV motorcycle and proudly started driving it on the road.

But, almost immediately, he was pulled up by police who discovered that he had no driving licence or paperwork for the bike.

Zhang admitted theft and was fined the equivalent of £440, put on probation for a year, and ordered to return the motorcycle to the factory.

Wonder what they cost to buy new?

Big butt, have a seat

Special chairs have been installed on trains to cope with rising obesity rates.

The blue-coloured seats are nearly twice as wide as normal chairs and can support even the bulkiest passenger up to 550lbs without breaking.

But baffled underground bosses in Sao Paulo, Brazil say they're being ignored by obese passengers, who they think are to ashamed to use them.

A sign above each seat shows a cartoon of a roly-poly passenger saying "Priority chair for obese people."

"It may be that they don't want to think of themselves as fat or they resent being put in with pensioners and the disabled," said one manager.

You think?

I know a song that will get on your nerves

A pair of buskers who infuriated residents with their endless renditions of just two songs have been given ASBOs preventing them from playing in Moseley, Birmingham.

James Ryan and Andrew Stevens only know how to play 'Wonderwall' by Oasis and George Michael's 'Faith'.

Mr. Ryan, a guitar player, and Mr. Stevens, who would hit dustbin lids with drum sticks, had been playing the two songs to people in the Moseley area for the last 18 months.

Mr. Ryan, 40, from Edgbaston, Birmingham, and Mr. Stevens, also known as Andrew Cave, 39, of no fixed address, have been banned from entering parts of Moseley and playing musical instruments in public in the area.

The pair were also banned from begging anywhere in England and Wales.

They were warned they faced jail if they breached the two-year anti-social behaviour orders handed down on Wednesday by District Judge Qureshi at Birmingham Magistrates Court.

After the hearing, Mr. Ryan said: "The whole thing's about playing a guitar, it's a joke. Most people loved it."

Birmingham City Council said the pair stood outside various pubs in Moseley singing and begging, often playing from early evening into the early hours.

The pair also waited outside taxi ranks and cash points along St Mary's Row demanding money.

A pair of Numptys; and if you really want to ruin your day click on the link above the picture.

And finally:

Really gets on your pips

Bin men refused to empty John Mason's wheelie bin because it contained apples which had fallen from his trees.

Mr. Mason, 64, cleared dozens of windfall apples and put them in his garden waste bin for recycling.

But when he later went to collect the bin he found it was still full and a sticker had been placed on top saying the bin was "contaminated".

Council officials ruled that apples are counted as "kitchen waste" instead of "garden waste" despite falling from his garden trees.

Mr. Mason, a retired businessman, condemned the workers as "bureaucratic idiots".

"I put the apples in my garden waste bin in complete innocence and put it out for the council to collect. I scratched my head and wondered what on earth the contamination could be at first.

Then they clarified it and said it was the apples."

Mr. Mason, of Connah's Quay, North Wales, was told that he had contaminated the bin as the apples were "food waste" and not acceptable garden waste.

"I put the apples in the bin along with weeds and grass cuttings. We all pay such a lot of council tax and could do without this petty nonsense. Bureaucratic idiocy like this annoys me."

But council official said apples are counted as foodstuff and not garden waste.

Andy Macbeth, Flintshire council's environmental services manager, said: "Spoiled fruit or vegetable peelings may have been inside a kitchen and come into contact with uncooked meats.

"It's difficult, if not impossible, for our operatives to determine whether spoiled fruit or vegetable peelings found in a brown bin have been in contact with other kitchen waste."

So from now on you have to grow apples in your kitchen and not in the garden, got that?

Well; I’m waiting.

Angus

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

AnglishLit

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