My internet connection has gone down and I am piggy backing on another one, so this may be all you get today, I apologise to anyone who doesn’t get a reply or comment in advance.
Saturday again, still no post from the smoke and the politicians are sniping at each other from behind the newspapers, wouldn’t it be better for us and them if they actually worked together, after all it was them who managed to get us into this mess by the wrong actions or inaction.
I have just received my new TV license, and the cost of all these wonderful, interesting, educational progs-£142.50 per year, cheap at quarter of the price.
First up:
Simon Cowell. That thoroughly nice chap who is only thinking of us wants to persuade ITV to move the X factor to a different time slot so that it doesn’t clash with my other favourite prog Strictly Come Dancing.
He is doing this purely for our benefit so that we don’t miss anything.
The fact that viewer numbers and ratings will take a hit, and therefore his chance to make more money has nothing to do with his “decision”.
And said “I'll try to persuade ITV to move it (The X Factor) back or forward, whatever they need to do," he said. "I'm prepared to do everything to give the public what they want."
I am a member of the public, and what I want is to see the demise of expensive, crowd fodder programmes that are not entertainment but time fillers.
Can’t we have some “proper” TV please, things like dramas, or comedy or sit-coms, anything
but these “ look at me, I can’t dance or sing” bollocks.
You can now take a test HERE to find out when you will go bald, sadly for some of us it is too late, but the good news is that we in Britain go bald later than those on the continent, and for those of us in the Home Counties the news is even better.
“Whilst continental men become fully bald at an average age of 52, British men keep their follicles filled until 58. Vain south east based office workers are most worried about losing their locks whilst lawyers, presumably because of their wig-wearing habits, are least concerned by baldness, the Europe-wide survey of more than 1.5 million men found.”
Test creator Dr Adolf Klenk said: “The age at which UK men lose their hair completely may be 58 but they start thinning and losing their hair much younger than that.”
Bit of a hairy subject that.
Sunday is “speak like a pirate day”, and this is not some local thing but an international event.
Scarves, eye patches, parrots and strange accents will be part of a special event being held in the Whitsundays today, complete with plank walking and pirate jokes.
The event began eight years ago as a bit of fun, but is now celebrated around the world.
Organiser of the Airlie Beach event, Captain Dan van Blarcom, says all pirates will be on their best behaviour.
"We're the polite pirates and we always use our manners and say please and thank you and ensure our visitors always come first," he said.
"That's pretty important in a town like Airlie Beach, which is a tourist destination and we want people to come here and have a good time.
"We're going to have some pirate hip hop music and other pirate songs and we'll be there waving our hooks in the air and having a jolly good time talking about booty."
He says those who don't enjoy themselves may have to walk the plank.
I love the “pirate hip hop quote” must be all those peg legs. The picture is my idea of a pirate.
The English language is pretty complicated, but here are some of the best words that can be found in the melting pot of the linguistic world.
Fornale, to spend one’s money before it has been earned;
Cagg, a solemn vow or resolution not to get drunk for a certain time;
Petrichor, the pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell.
Stridewallop, is a Yorkshire term for a tall and awkward woman,
Shot clog is an Elizabethan term for a drinking companion only tolerated because he pays for the round.
Deipnosophist is a Jacobean word for a skillful dinner conversationalist.
Parnel, a priest’s mistress,
Applesquire, the male servant of a prostitute,
Screever, a writer of begging letters.
Slapsauce, a person who enjoys eating fine food
Chafferer, the salesman who enjoys talking while making a sale.
Blatteroon, a person who will not stop talking,
Wallydrag, a worthless, slovenly person,
So I suppose you could have:
A fornale was visited by a Chafferer, who failed to make a sale and went to dinner at the pub where he met a Slapsauce, and was joined by a Blatteroon and a Deipnosophist, at the bar were a Shot clog and a bunch of people including an Applesquire, who was looking for customers and a Parnel who wasn’t.
There was a man who had made a Cagg, and was being pestered by a Screever, and a Wallydrag.
As the fornale left the pun after his meal he was greeted by Petrichor and staggered home,
Ain’t English wonderful.
And finally:
Unless you are a Jedi in Tesco’s, Daniel Jones, 23, who created the International Church of Jediism, claims he was “victimised over his beliefs” by staff at the supermarket in Bangor, North Wales.
The religion, inspired by the sci-fi films, is practised by 500,000 around the world and requires believers to cover their heads in public places. But Mr Jones, from Holyhead, said that staff ejected him from the store over security fears when he refused to remove his hood.
Mr Jones, also known by his Jedi name Morda Hehol, told The Sun: "I told them it was a requirement of my religion but they just sniggered and ordered me to leave.
"I walked past a Muslim lady in a veil. Surely the same rules should apply to everyone."
The handbook of the UK Jedi Church, founded by the Star Wars fan last year, states: "Jedis must wear a hood up in any public place of a large audience."
Daniel added: "It was discrimination. I was really upset. Nobody should be treated like that.”
"I'll advise worshippers to boycott Tesco if it happens again. They will feel the Force."
A Tesco spokesman said: "Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all went hoodless without going to the Dark Side.
"If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they’ll miss lots of special offers."
Words fail me.
