Big ship for sale: Silly Billy-arse or elbow: Post Office debacle: They Nose you know: Dry run: Hong Kong Kung Fu: and test your Happiness.

Still sunny, still, calm, still chilly and still no wet stuff at the Castle this morn. The kitchen is overflowing with broken/fixed adding machines, the butler has buggered orf on holiday and the yellow dust is still covering everything in sight.

If you are in the market for a slightly used aircraft carrier then pop down to Pompey and have a wander around the Ark Royal.

Ministry of Defence (MoD) tours of the aircraft carrier are taking place at the Portsmouth Naval Base. Only potential bidders who have registered an interest on the edisposals.com auction website are allowed aboard for the viewings.

Those attending were required to submit an outline of their "intentions regarding the vessel" to the MoD in advance.

Proposals for Ark Royal include turning it into a school, a nightclub or a base for security personnel during the Olympics.

But it could also be sold for scrap like its sister ship HMS Invincible.

Why not re-commission the Harriers, and use it to defend Blighty against those nasty men from the East? 

Silly Billy Hague is it seems making it up as he goes along, individuals in Libya could be targeted depending on their behaviour, Silly Billy has suggested.

The comment appears to go against the assurance offered by NATO spokesperson Lieutenant-General Charles Bouchard after the air strike which killed Col Gaddafi's youngest son that "we do not target individuals".

The Silly B told MPs yesterday “the attack was an attack on a command-and-control location. NATO has increased the number of air strikes against command and control functions of the Libyan regime. That is wholly legitimate in our view. Such attacks will continue."

Oh well, that’s OK then.

According to a “new” report

Government plans to sell off the Royal Mail could lead to the closure of more than 9,000 post offices.

Research among 800 sub-postmasters by the Communication Workers Union (CWU) found that nine out of 10 said they could not survive without Royal Mail business, while a similar number believed they were unlikely to continue if the Government continued to press ahead with plans for a so-called "Locals" model of franchised post office services.

The union, which is campaigning against the privatisation, said that based on the study's findings, more than 9,000 post offices would close.

Most of those questioned had little or no confidence that the Government will return to post offices services which have been removed.

Just to expand on the last sentence-most of us in the country have little or no confidence in the Government.

Right a bit

It's the world title where winners tend to run in the family - and a short nose definitely won't be enough to get contestants on the podium.

Organisers of the Long Nose World Championship in Langenbruck, Germany, are looking for the pick of new entrants for this year's final in June.

"We judge both length and width and we are looking for new blood this year because we don't just want to see the same old faces again.

"There must be people out there with gigantic noses we just haven't seen so we want to get that new talent in," said one steward.

Current men's world champ Josef Dewold measures up at nearly five inches while women's title holder Margot Sikora's reaches just more than four inches.

And they say size doesn’t matter.

Dahn Unda

The organisers of a famous camel race in Alice Springs have signed up new sponsors after the event was hit hard by heavy rain last year.

The Camel Cup has been running since the 1970s and will be held on July 9 this year.

Former winning jockey Ian Rowan says the organisers are hoping for a more usual dry season day.

"Money is always a big problem," he said.

"Last year we had a lot of rain in Central Australia and, three days before the big race day, the track was under water.

"There were pelicans flying over the track and nesting on the track all night.

"We are praying we do not get any rain for at least a few weeks before race day this year."

The organisers of the Cup hope to draw a huge crowd to the race.

The famous race will be held on a 400m track at Blatherskite Park.

Mr Rowan rode the winning camel in 2003.

"This is the birthplace of camel racing in Australia," he said.

They should hold it Dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire apparently we have only had 3pc of our normal rainfall in April.

Up a fair amount

Hong Kong Airlines cabin crew are taking classes in deadly Wing Chun, which teaches students how to knock an aggressor out cold within seconds.

Airline bosses say their flight attendants have to deal with at least three cases a week where amorous drunks try to paw them.

Instructor Sifu Lu Heng said: 'It is for their own safety and the safety of other passengers that they learn how to defend themselves. This kung fu works best at very close range so it is ideal for a plane.'

New recruit Lumpy Tang, 22, said she never imagined it would be part of the job.

'We were surprised in the beginning, but after a few lessons we really liked wing chun,' Tang told the Sunday Morning Post.

Will I be arrested for being “racist”?

And finally:

Test your happiness factor

That’s it: I’m orf to look for Inkayacu paracasensis.

And today’s thought: Vote Yes to AV just because U-Turn Cam is so afraid of it.

Angus

“Senior moments”: The EU runs the UK: Icelandic Todger: Suck off: Pig’s Ear of a Numpty: and are you H.A.P.P.Y?

It seems that the clement weather has gone on holiday at the Castle this morn, cold, cloudy dull and dismal, that was a short summer…

Still haven’t sorted the garden, cleared out the shed, evicted the eight legged hairy buggers, washed the windows, washed the Rover or done the other jobs that need doing.

Seems I am having a lot of Senior Moments

Researchers have found that the reason that older people sometimes become confused is that they find it difficult to switch back their brain after a distraction.

That means by the time they resume their original pattern of thinking, it could have gone from their heads.

The study, by the University of California, involved 40 volunteers, half of which were around 70 years old and the other half around 25 years old.

They were brain scanned as they were asked to memorise a picture of nature on a screen for 14 seconds.

The brain scans showed that activity in the brain switched during the distracting facial image in both volunteers – but it happened much more slowly in the elderly.

At random intervals a face was flashed up on the screen.

Each was then asked to describe the face and then recall the scene from nature.

They also had more problems recalling the original natural scene.

The researchers believe the slow switching affects short-term, or "working," memory – the capacity to hold and manipulate information in the mind for a period of time.

At least I have some sort of excuse…now, what was I saying…….

Apparently the European Union Money Pit has given Piss Poor Policies Dave C an ultimatum.

European judges yesterday gave PPP Dave six months to give prisoners the vote after snubbing the views of the UK parliament.

The Coalition lost its final appeal against a ruling that some inmates should be allowed to vote because of their human rights.

The rejection, from the Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights, came despite a vote in parliament that overwhelmingly opposed giving prisoners a vote.

It means the Government now has until September to act or face a flood of compensation claims, which it will almost certainly lose.

At least 4,000 compensation claims from prisoners here are currently lodged with the European Court but have been stayed while the Grand Chamber ruled on the appeal.

If the Government fails to act they are likely to be re-enacted and could pave the way for thousands more.

In November two UK prisoners were awarded 5,000 euro (£4,350) in costs and expenses for their loss of voting rights.

I really don’t give a shit about prisoners’ rights to vote, if you commit a crime that is serious enough to warrant a prison sentence then you lose the right to be part of society for the duration of your sentence and that includes selecting a representative.

What really pisses me off is the extent that the EU and in particular the “European Court of ‘Justice’ ” has infiltrated our democracy to the point that “we” can no longer make our own laws, time for the EU referendum PPP Dave.

Left a bit and up to the land of volcanic dust and non payers

A 95-year-old Icelander has left his penis to one of the world's strangest museums.

The late Pall Arason's pickled member will be the main attraction at the Phallological Museum in the tiny fishing town of Husavik.

Sigurdur Hjartarson, who runs it, said the organ will help round out his extensive collection of phalluses from whales, seals, bears and other mammals.

Several people had pledged their penises over the years - including an American, a Briton, and a German - but Mr Arason's was the first to be successfully donated, Mr Hjartarson said.

"I have just been waiting for this guy for 15 years," he said.

Highlights of the museum's collection include a 170-centimeter (67-inch) sperm whale penis preserved in formaldehyde, lampshades made from bull testicles and what the museum described as an "unusually big" penis bone from a Canadian walrus.

Dick head?

Dahn Unda

Melbourne meat packer Denis Veal says he was sacked for sucking a Strepsil on the job.

Until last week Mr Veal worked for Swift - the world's largest meat processor - at its Brooklyn plant.

Mr Veal said he was given his marching orders after being found sucking on a cough lolly outside the factory's cold storage section.

The Werribee father of two believes he was a target because he had been unable to perform his normal duties since his foot was crushed by a forklift at the factory in 2009.

Company spokesman John Berry said Mr Veal had been eating some type of food, not a lozenge, in contravention of food safety requirements and was sacked in accordance with the law after a full investigation.

Mr Berry denied Mr Veal was a target but said there had been several "performance issues" with his work.

Mr Veal said the only problem was his post-injury refusal to work in the offal room on wet, slippery floors and upstairs in the boning room.

Bah-Humbug…….what an offal story………

Still Dahn Unda

An overcooked pot of pigs' ears sparked an emergency call in Darwin yesterday.

Police broke in to a house filled with smoke in the suburb of Marrara and discovered that the pot of pigs' ears had been left on the stove.

Emergency Services had received reports the house was on fire.

Northern Watch Commander Daniel Sheen says no-one was at home when police arrived.

"The owner came home when the police were there,'' he said.

"She was embarrassed to say that she had gone out and left her pigs' ears on the stove.

"If you're going to cook, don't leave home."

The house was not seriously damaged.

Police said they were unaware of what recipe the pigs' ears were intended for.

Darwin Numpty?

And finally:

The Torygraph has solved happiness-allegedly

Action for Happiness, a mass movement to improve people's wellbeing, claims there are 10 key steps to achieving contentment in life.

1. GIVING
Do things for others - volunteer to work for a charity in your spare time
2. RELATING
Connect with people - get in touch with friends with whom you have lost contact
3. EXERCISING
Take care of your body - go for a run.
4. APPRECIATING
Notice the world around - take time to appreciate wildlife in your area.
5. TRYING OUT
Keep learning new things - learn a new language.
6. DIRECTION
Have goals to look forward to - make resolutions and stick to them.
7. RESILIENCE
Find ways to bounce back - learn from defeats to do things better in the future.
8. EMOTION
Take a positive approach - focus on the happy moments of your life rather than the sad.
9. ACCEPTANCE
Be comfortable with who you are - do not dwell on your flaws.
10. MEANING
Be part of something bigger - join a society or club.

Patronising load of old bollocks.

That’s it: I’m orf to –plant a Bee road

And today’s thought:  "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett.

Angus