Pistorfius up before the beak: The ‘Orse meat list: Hook, line and sinker: Foamhenge: Dopey driver: and “Stingray”.

Substantial amounts of solar stuff, sod all atmospheric movement, mournful amounts of lack of cold and not even a dribble of skywater at the Castle this morn, managed to oversleep until 8.30 of the am but at least there be hot water in the pipes, turned out it was an air block in one of the pipes and after a gaseous emission all is now well.

 

I see that the media is in a frenzy about some runner with carbon fibre feet

 

On the serious side-condolences to Reeva Steenkamp’s family.

 

That’s enough of being serious.

Allegedly Oscar Pistorfius got even more pissed orf and shot his girlfriend more than a couple of times.

And is appearing in court even as I write this.

The defence is expected to argue that Mr Pistorius is not a flight risk and should be given bail.

 

All they have to do is confiscate his “blades” and he ain’t going anywhere....

  

Worried about consuming Equine bits?

Auntie has published a list of what and where to avoid (click on the link above), which is a bit pointless if they have all been withdrawn. 

 

Dahn in Dorset

Steve Redhead, 51, was hoping to land some carp fish but became the catch himself after his lead weight snagged on overhanging branches.

He yanked his rod a couple of times to free the line before the bulbous object suddenly flew 50 feet through the air and struck him in the face.

Steve dropped to his knees and thought the object had just grazed him at first until fishing friend Matt Barnes told him it was embedded in his right cheek.

An ambulance was called and Steve, from Weymouth, Dorset, was rushed to hospital to have the 50 gram weight removed.

Luckily, the weight didn't break his cheek bone or jaw or damage any nerves.

Steve, who jet-washes wheelie bins for a living, was told the item could easily have killed him had it hit him in an eye, throat or gone through his mouth

After the accident, which happened at Walley's Carp Lake in Osmington, near Weymouth, Steve was taken to Poole Hospital where he had 12 stitches.

 

Apparently the carp which Steve didn’t catch was “THIS BIG” or it might have been “this big”...

 

Left to the home of not a lot of history and the land of the jealous

 

Photo credit

A full size replica of Stone Henge was built by Mark Cline of Enchanted Castle Studio in 2004, with the pieces in astronomically correct positions. Lest somebody mistook it for the real thing, a sign at the base of the hill cautions: "Please be gentle. It is foam, not stone."

Mark says he went to great pains to shape each 'stone' to its original shape, fact-checking his designs and measurements with the man who gives tours of Stonehenge in England. Each block is set into a hole in the ground and anchored with cement. "I put a 2.5 inch pipe all the way through each one down into the ground, like a nail holding it to the concrete.” And, Mark adds hopefully, "It's non-biodegradable so it might last longer than the original."

 

I do like an optimist....

 

East to the place where Swiss people come from

Manfred Hofer, 49, from Willisau plunged into a stream when he nodded off at the wheel was still asleep when rescuers pulled him out.

Apparently Manfred told police the last thing he could remember was feeling drowsy at the wheel.

Investigators believe he was fast asleep as the car veered off the road, down an embankment and into the stream.

"He says he wasn't aware of anything else until he was woken by the rescue team," said a police spokesman.

"They thought he'd been unconscious but in fact he'd just been sleeping very heavily."

Paramedics say Mr Hofer is recovering from fractures in hospital.

 

But at least he is sleeping well....

 

And finally:

 

Back over to the land of the free and the home of surveillance

Allegedly the FBI is using a secretive new tool. The device, which acts as a fake cell phone tower, essentially allows the government to electronically search large areas for a particular cell phone’s signal—sucking down data on potentially thousands of innocent people along the way. At the same time, law enforcement has attempted use them while avoiding many of the traditional limitations set forth in the Constitution, like individualized warrants. This is why we called the tool “an unconstitutional, all-you-can-eat data buffet.”

Recently, LA Weekly reported the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) got a Department of Homeland Security (DHS) grant in 2006 to buy a stingray. The original grant request said it would be used for “regional terrorism investigations.” Instead LAPD has been using it for just about any investigation imaginable.

In just a four month period in 2012, according to documents obtained by the First Amendment Coalition, the LAPD has used the device at least 21 times in “far more routine” criminal investigations. The LA Weekly reported Stingrays “were tapped for more than 13 percent of the 155 ‘cellular phone investigation cases’ that Los Angeles police conducted between June and September last year.” These included burglary, drug and murder cases.

 

Wouldn’t work here in Blighty-the signals are far too piss poor.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to update the sat-nav

 

And today’s thought:

 

Angus

Jobmatch: Rumpy-pumpy Compo: Cayenne catch: See ‘U’ Loo: and Fashion sacrifice.

 

A whimsy of skywater, sod all solar stuff, even less atmospheric movement and a murmur of lack of cold at the Castle this apocalyptic morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco. Hordes of internet robots dressed in their Jim-jams wandering about aimlessly, hordes and bit of daft old farts staggering about with a glazed look on their faces while trying to decide whether to purchase one box of mince pies for a squid or two for two squids and I have sorted my Crimbo dinner (apocalypse allowing), a chicken for £2.78 (two chicken breasts were £3.00, a box of one squid mince pies, a small tin of cream (which cost more than the mince pies), some nuts which smell like farts, a packet of biccies and a box of stuffing (I already have the parsnips, roast tatties and other stuff).

All I have to do now is try to remember how to use the oven... 

Still have no land line, Orange/EE still can’t connect me to the “tech dept” because of “technical” difficulties, so I had to phone the 0844 number again and speak to three different people who live in India, the upshot is that according to the sub continent dwellers I don’t have a fault at all and a “service person” will arrive on Crimbo eve between eight of the am and one of the pm to “sort it out” which cost me £8 for 19 minutes and twenty two seconds, and apparently if the “fault” is my fault there will be a charge of £105 call out plus £55 per hour.

Cheap at half the price---well it would be...

And now the interweb thingy is bollixed up...been trying to post this since 7.30 am...

 

Meanwhile the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Are going to introduce “Jobmatch” for those who are not career positive, who will have their online job applications remotely monitored by the Government to see whether they are making serious attempts to find work.

Allegedly the site will scan the CVs of benefit claimants and automatically match them up with job openings that suit their skills.

It will also allow employers to search for new workers among the unemployed and send messages inviting them to interviews.

Apparently the activities of benefit claimants can also be tracked using devices known as "cookies", so their Job Centre advisers can know how many searches they have been doing, suggest potential jobs and see whether they are turning down viable opportunities.

But the tracking element of the programme will not be compulsory as monitoring people's behaviour online without their consent would not be allowed under EU law.

However job advisers will be able to impose sanctions such as compulsory work placements or ultimately losing benefits if they feel the unemployed are not searching hard enough.

 

The Irritable Bowel Twins, who are supposed to be the Work and Pensions Secretary, said the scheme would "revolutionise" the process of looking for work.

 

Super, a government computer handling tens of  thousands of job seekers details; what could go wrong?

 

Dahn Unda

An Australian court has ruled that a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex on a business trip is eligible for worker's compensation benefits.

The Full Bench of the Federal Court ruled Dec. 13 in favour of the woman, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, and rejecting the appeal of the federal government's insurer.

The woman was hospitalized after being injured in 2007 during sex with a male friend while staying in a motel in the town of Nowra, 160 kilometres (100 miles) south of her hometown of Sydney.

During the sex, a glass light fitting was torn from its mount above the bed and landed on her face, injuring her nose and mouth. She later suffered depression and was unable to continue working for the government.

Her claim for worker's compensation for her physical and psychological injuries was initially approved by government insurer Comcare then rejected after further investigation.

An administrative tribunal agreed with Comcare that her injuries were not suffered in the course of her employment, saying the government had not induced or encouraged the woman's sexual conduct. The tribunal also found the sex was "not an ordinary incident of an overnight stay" such as showering, sleeping and eating.

That ruling was overturned in the Federal Court in 2012, when Judge John Nicholas rejected the tribunal's findings that the sex had to be condoned by the government if she were to qualify for compensation.

"If the applicant had been injured while playing a game of cards in her motel room, she would be entitled to compensation even though it could not be said that her employer induced her to engage in such activity," Nicholas wrote in his judgment in favour of the woman receiving compensation.

In the Full Bench decision upholding Nicholas' decision, Judges Patrick Keane, Robert Buchanan and Mordy Bromberg agreed last week that the government's views on the woman having sex in her motel room were irrelevant.

"No approval, express or implied, of the respondent's conduct was required," they said.

 

Wonder if the hotel is suing her for criminal damage?

 

Up to the land of lots of stuff

 

Chinese fishermen managed to haul up a Porsche Cayenne while having an angle orf the Coast of Beihai.

The Cayenne was covered in seaweed and barnacles, with its state pointing to it having been underwater for at least two years according to experts called in to assess it.

Reports on CarNewsChina.com suggest that the waters and coastal areas around Beihai are a hotspot for smugglers bringing in luxury goods to escape the huge import tariffs China imposes.

It’s believed the smuggler possibly pushed the Porsche overboard after spotting a customs patrol.

The vehicle, which would have netted the smuggler a sizable profit, sold to a Beihai scrap metal dealer for 4000 Yuan ($650).

 

Would have been worth more but the MOT has run out.

 

Norf of the border

 

An Aberdeenshire couple, Matthew and Carol Short, farmers from Fraserburgh, won the “Home Throne” award for their “unique toilet in a whisky barrel.”

 

Flushed with success?

 

And finally:

 

All over what will be left of the World after today

 

Allegedly a growing number of women are having their toes shortened or even completely removed, in order to make wearing stilettos a less-painful experience.

According to the American Podiatric Medical Association, eighty-seven percent of women have had foot problems from wearing uncomfortable or ill-fitting shoes, like high-heels. But while some give-up on the problematic footwear, others love wearing them so much they will appeal to surgical procedures such as shortening toes, receiving foot injections and even completely cutting off pinkie toes in order to make walking in them bearable.

Hint- buy a pair of shoes that actually fits.....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to dahnload a film or twenty...

 

And today’s thought

I blame Osborne

 

 Angus

 

Bum MP: Democracy on Facebook: Camel Jumping: Bangers and Cupcakes: and a half ton Sturgeon.

Sunnyish, clearish, calmish and coldish at the Castle this morn, bit late (again) because the interweb thingy went tits up (again), I think it is the router which isn’t....routing...

But the delay did give me time to potter round the grounds and snap the things that are blooming.

Some blue stuff (with a touch of pink stuff)

Some white stuff

More blue stuff

More white stuff

Some strawberry stuff

And his blurry Maj waiting to play with one of his sticks

Up to the sinking Palace of Westminster

Energy Minister Charles Hendry has it seems reverted to his days as a fag at Rugby school by sitting on his senior colleague Ed Davey's lap.

Old habits die hard...

And North more than a smidge to the land of snow and volcanoes

Iceland is using Facebook to rewrite its constitution: citizens can use the social network to make their own suggestions, engage in online debates, or follow the proceedings in real-time.

Two thirds of Iceland’s population (approximately 320,000) is on Facebook, so the constitutional council’s weekly meetings are broadcast live not only on the council’s website, but on the social network as well. “It is possible to register through other means, but most of the discussion takes place via Facebook,” Berghildur Bernhardsdottir, spokeswoman for the constitutional review project, told the Associated Press. “The sort of argumentative and negative discussion that has been common on Icelandic blogs and news sites, especially since the economic collapse, has been almost entirely absent.”

The comprehensive review of the constitution is being carried out with the direct participation of the Icelandic people. The Internet component is the most direct route for most Icelanders to have their say: members of the public must provide their names and addresses, and can then submit online recommendations, which are approved by local staff to avoid Internet heckling. The ideas are then passed on to the council, and are open for discussion online.

Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club coalition take note....

East oodles of thingies

The men of the Zaraniq tribe, on the west coast of Yemen, have a truly unique tradition – they jump over a row of camels just like modern daredevils jump over cars.

Famous throughout Yemen for their speed, strength and courage, the members of the Zaraniq tribe are the world’s only professional camel jumpers. Taking running starts, jumpers try to sail over as many camels as possible, before tumbling to the ground. During camel jumping events, the one who leaps over the highest number of camels is considered the winner. “This is what we do,” says Bhayder Mohammed Yusef Qubaisi, one of the champions of the Tihama-al-Yemen, a desert plain, on the coast of the Red Sea.

When I read “Camel jumping” I thought-well they don’t have any sheep....

Somewhere on the post Jurassic Fart world

Culinary ‘genius’ Stef of The Cupcake Project saw that two of the great joys of the human experience, sausage and cupcakes, need not be separate. Her cupcakewurst consists of cupcake batter poured into hog sausage casings (pig intestines), then baked.

Num, num......not....

And finally:

East again to the land that likes eggs boiled in piss

A sturgeon weighing more than half a ton has been caught fishermen in northeast China.

The 617kg Kaluga fish was caught on Tuesday in Heilongjiang River, at Tongjiang, a city that borders Russia in northeast China.

The Kaluga is a large predatory sturgeon only found in the Heilongjiang River basin. Chen Lin, the fisherman who caught the fish said it was the biggest he had ever seen. Chen, along with fellow fishermen, sent the fish to a local sturgeon breeding station.

According to breeders, the sturgeon is a female and is currently carrying about 1.2 million eggs. Staff at the station will collect the roe and implement artificial insemination. The fish fry will be released into the Heilongjiang River.

Kaluga fish are believed to have existed for 130 million years and are claimed to be the largest freshwater fish in the world. The fish is listed as critically endangered, having been fished to near extinction for its valuable roe.

Which thankfully are not boiled in piss...

 That’s it: I’m orf to add lobster vision to my binoculars

And today’s thought:

Sheep jumping

Angus

Back to the gravy train: In or In?: Accidental outlaw: The Falcon and the Black widow: Flying cars: and Dundee they ain’t.

Massive amounts of wind and wet stuff at the Castle this morn-and the weather isn’t much better, did the Crimbo shopping yestermorn-one Crimbo dinner in a box, six mince pies and some custard, and I posted all the Crimbo cards-sorted.

There are still plenty of piss poor number crunchers in the study and his Maj thinks he is invisible.

Apparently “hard up” MPs want to return to the “good old days”

A parliamentary committee is demanding changes to the way MPs' expenses are handled, saying the current independent method was "untenable".

According to the slimy, lying, money grabbing useless gits:

"We believe the status quo is untenable, for the following reasons: the administration of the system does not provide value for money; MPs are being hindered in carrying out their parliamentary duties and deterred from making legitimate claims, to the detriment of their constituents and the democratic process."

Instead they want to go back to the former system of paper receipts which operated at the time of the expenses scandal, with Ipsa official inputting the details into computer systems rather than MPs and their staff doing it.

I like the status quo, even if they can only play two chords....

And U-Turn Cam has decided that we will not get a referendum on our membership of the EU

He ruled out a referendum on British membership of the EU and said that membership brought significant economic and diplomatic benefits. “Britain remains a full member of the European Union,” the Prime Monster told the Commons. “The events of the last week do nothing to change that.”

He said membership was “vital to our national interest”, and the single market helped secure trade, investment and jobs.

Nice one knobhead; trade, investment and jobs are really getting better, and your “decision” made sure that there will be no referendum.

Apparently;

New research suggests many Brits may be breaking the law online

Potential crimes can include defamation in a Tweet or Facebook status, such as accusing someone of something they didn’t do or ruining their reputation without evidence.

Downloading music and movies illegally is another common pitfall while even simply changing the status on Facebook of a friend or family member without their permission is against the law.

The top five areas of concern found by the research were:

1) Uploading copyrighted content such as photos or song lyrics to a personal website or social network with just a 33% average pass rate.
2) Using copyrighted material on blogs (35%)
3) Discussing or publishing details of a super injunction (38%)
4) Defamation of other people through social media (42%)
5) Uploading and downloading of music illegally (44%)

Naughty, naughty.....

In austerity ridden second class Blighty

Mechanics stripping down a classic car imported from America were startled to find two deadly black widow spiders nesting inside.

One was discovered under the fuel tank while the other was lurking behind the dashboard of the 1964 Ford Falcon.

The car was imported into the UK to Damax, a motorsport company in Bicester, Oxfordshire, last January, but work only started on it last week.

Manager Robin Ward said after they found the first spider they put it in a plastic container before identifying it on the internet.

He admitted: “I had quite a shock when we first suspected it could be a black widow. We continued stripping the car with a great deal of caution, and couldn’t believe it when we found a second spider under the dashboard.” He added: “We would have never found either of the spiders had we not completely stripped the car but we’re certain there are no more.”

 

Yeah right....

 

Right a smidge to the land of Latvians

 Latvian airline airBaltic announced Monday it was branching out into another business, claiming to be the world's first carrier to sell cars during its flights.

From Friday, passengers on all airBaltic flights will be able to buy a Mini Cooper R56 -- provided they have a spare 24,699 Euros ($33,048).

They will be asked to make a 50 euro ($67) down payment while in the air and complete the purchase once they land.

They should be done under the trades description act-it isn’t a Mini Cooper, it’s a bleedin BMW box.

 

And finally:

Dahn Unda

Two fishermen in far northern Australia are lucky to be alive after a crocodile tried to eat them for dinner.

The 10-foot (three-metre) saltwater croc lunged at the men but could not get at them because spindly mangroves were in the way at the creek on the outskirts of Darwin.

The men clambered up small trees to escape. But one of them slipped and plunged into the water.

Senior Sergeant Greg Pusterla said the angler got out of the creek and back up the tree in record time. One of the men had a cell phone and called police.

Officers raced to the scene and saw the croc lurking nearby. They rang Parks and Wildlife rangers who shot the animal because it was aggressive.

Of course it was aggressive it was a Croc-Darwin Numptys...

That’s it: I’m orf to check out Dan Dare.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Abandon Sterling: Toxic mortgages: Out of sight Royals: ‘Event boundary’: Tyred out Earth: and a sea bass Numpty.

Misty, murky and miserable at the Castle this morn, the elbow has returned to normal size, has a bruise as big as Greenland and still hurts.

The study is still devoid of any ex adding machines and his Maj is still bringing me worms. 

A smidge late this Monday, had to go down to Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and Pussy food run.

According to Wolfgang Schäuble ‘Blighty will join the euro before long’

Germany’s finance minister reckons despite the current crisis in the eurozone, the euro will ultimately emerge as the common currency of the entire European Union. He said he “respects” Britain’s decision to keep the pound, but insisted that the survival and eventual stabilisation of the euro will convince non-members to join the currency club. “This may happen more quickly than some people in the British Isles currently believe,” he added.

Bollocks, and don’t even think about it Prime Monster.

And our own Piss Poor Policy Millionaires Club Coalition

Has come up with a stonking plan to fuck up the economy even more-Plans to allow first-time buyers of new homes to borrow up to 95% of the value, with the government underwriting part of the risk, are to be unveiled.

They are part of a scheme to deal with an acute shortage of affordable homes, set to be revealed by David Cameron.

The initiative, for England only, will begin in July and aims to build 16,000 new homes and create up to 32,000 jobs.

It includes a £400m fund which will help to kick-start schemes which are ready but lack necessary finance.

The government call the plans "radical" and a "step change" in their approach. However, Labour say ministers have failed to deliver on housing.

Err; isn’t lending money to people who default on mortgages what got us in this pile of crap in the first place...and for ‘the Government’ read ‘the Taxpayer’.

Royal ‘family’

A new documentary has discovered that the Queen had two cousins who were hidden away in a mental asylum for most of their lives and had no contact with their family.

A channel 4 film will portray the Royal Family as callous and neglectful in their treatment of five "hidden cousins" of the Queen who were locked away in the same mental asylum for decades.

At the heart of The Queen's Hidden Cousins is the emotional story of two royal relatives, Katherine and Nerissa BowesLyon, nieces of the Queen Mother, who were never visited by the Royal Family nor invited to any royal event at Buckingham Palace.

Indeed, the Bowes-Lyon family, into which the Queen Mother was born, announced in Burke's Peerage that Nerissa had "died in 1940", even though she was alive in the asylum; the same publication also published that Katherine had died. The family would later put these errors down to "vagueness".

Nerissa did die in 1986 but her sister Katherine is still alive in a Surrey nursing home. She is 85, the same age as the Queen.

The death of Nerissa brought the shocking revelation that not only was her sister Katherine in Royal Earlswood but three sisters from the Fanes family lived at the hospital. They were connected to the Bowes-Lyons on mother Fenella's side.

Nerissa now has a proper headstone, although the rumours are that the "grave was dug deep enough for two". The eventual gravestone was paid for by their niece Lady Elizabeth Anson.

Katherine was moved to Ketwin House in Surrey where patients were charged only £770 a year at the time of its closing after allegations of physical abuse.

She is now resident in another nursing home in Surrey where "she has been taken on holidays around Britain by the staff".

To this day, however, she has never been visited by a member of the Royal Family.

Neither Buckingham Palace nor Glamis Castle wished to contribute to the Channel 4 programme.

Makes you proud.......

Why did I come in here?

Ever walked into a room to get something only to forget why you went there in the first place?

New research from University of Notre Dame psychology professor Gabriel Radvansky suggests that passing through doorways is the cause of these memory lapses.

"Entering or exiting through a doorway serves as an 'event boundary' in the mind, which separates episodes of activity and files them away," Radvansky said in a statement. "Recalling the decision or activity that was made in a different room is difficult because it has been compartmentalized."

The study was published recently in the Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology.

 

 Oh good; and I thought it was just the onset of old fartship....

Over in the land of odd spelling

The sprawling pile of hundreds of thousands of tires isn't easy to spot from the ground, sitting in a rural South Carolina clearing accessible by only a circuitous dirt path that winds through thick patches of trees. No one knows how all those tires got there, or when.

But, Calhoun County Council Chairman David Summers says of this giant rubber menace, "You can see it from space."

Authorities have charged one person in connection with the mess of roughly 250,000 tires, which covers more than 50 acres on satellite images. And now a Florida company is helping haul it all away.

Litter control officer Boyce Till said he contacted the local sheriff and state health department, which is investigating who had been dumping the tires.

But the worst possible penalty that could be imposed locally is a single $475 ticket for littering.

Records show the property is owned by Michael Keitt Jr. of Far Rockaway, N.Y.

Tricia Johnson, owner of Lee Tire Company, Inc., said a property owner whom she declined to name called her for help hauling off the material. So far, Johnson said between 10 and 15 tractor-trailer loads of tires have been shipped to her Florida facility. There, they will either have oil and steel extracted from them, or they will be shredded and made into tire-derived fuel, which Johnson said burns more cleanly than coal and is used by paper mills.

Johnson said she has waived her usual fee and is charging the property owner only for transportation costs. She hopes to have all 250,000 tires processed by early 2012.

Tyred out?

And finally: 

Back over to Welsh Wales

Kurt Price was delighted with the huge fish he caught and ate – until he realised it would have been a record-breaker.

Kurt, 25, reeled in the monster sea bass on a weekend trip to Tenby, south-west Wales.

It was only after he had cooked and eaten it that he researched the record books and realised his catch would have been the biggest of its kind.

The record for a shore-caught sea bass is 19lb 11oz. Angling experts who have seen a picture of Kurt’s catch believe it was bigger than 20lb.

But Kurt, of Cwmbran, Monmouthshire, cannot claim the record because he failed to weigh the fish – and has eaten the evidence.

Kurt said the fish was very tasty but added: “I’m gutted.”

 So was the fish.....

 Piscean Pillock....

That’s it: I’m orf to launch a robot into the moat. 

And today’s thought: Fishermen fall for it, hook, line and sinker.

Angus