Public shock treatment: Bishettes: Dorries stuck Dahn Unda: Chinese puzzle: The Last Ninja: and a $4.2 million Crimbo “tree”.

Masses of skywater, more atmospheric movement, meagre amounts of lack of cold and a minimum of solar stuff at the Castle this morn, the butler is inserting fat, carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace on his new conveyer belt and his Maj has decided that my head is a nice warm place to sleep during the dark thing.

 

All across defibrillated Blighty

More than 1,300 emergency heart devices in public places like shopping centres may not work because of a battery fault, warns a UK health regulator.

According to The Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency says first aiders should check their Samaritan PAD 300/300P defibrillators.

The company was alerted about the fault by person who noticed a problem when they were doing a routine spot check of the equipment.

They can turn on or off when not in use, draining the battery.

No other HeartSine Technologies Ltd automated external defibrillator products are affected.

 

The following serial number ranges are affected with one or both of the identified faults:

0400000501 to 0700032917 inclusive

08A00035000 to 10A00070753 inclusive

10C00200000 to 10C00210318 inclusive

These were distributed around the UK between August 2004 and December 2010 with a warranted life of up to seven years.

 

Or not, as the case may be....let’s hope there is an AA guy selling expensive “”memberships” when your old ticker goes tits up while out buying Crimbo presents.

 

 

Last night I tried to watch Question Time

And the first fifteen minutes (one quarter) of the “programme” was wasted on a pointless ‘massderbate’ on whether we should have Bishops without dangly bits.

Allegedly only 12 percent of Blighty’s sinners attend those large, cold, empty buildings with bells on regularly; which means that 88 percent of us don’t give a cardinal’s cock who flounces about in a long red frock pursued by small boys with long white frocks.

 I am all for those who wish to believe in a “Deity” that may or may not exist, and I am 100 percent in favour of believers who want to save themselves from fire and brimstone by attending church, synagogue, mosque or any other centre of wishful thinking.

 

But, please, please don’t expose me to your faiths, hopes and lack of charity which is prevalent in the very small minority of “look at me I am holy” bum holes who seem to think that the next world is far more important than what is left of this one.

 

But one interesting fact I did discover is that the Irritable Bowel Twins (Iain Duncan Smith) is a practising Catholic; which does explain a lot about his Piss Poor Policies at the Dept of Witless Pillocks (DWP).

 

Dahn Unda

Nadger Nadine is in even more bovver with the Con party than she was before, it seems that dumbed dahn Dorries who is currently staying in a luxury five-star hotel in Australia after she became the first contestant to be voted off the ITV reality television show on Wednesday night may be contractually obliged by ITV to remain there while the game-show is on for another fortnight.

A spokesman for ITV said they would know by this morning whether Ms Dorries will stay in Australia or not for the remainder of the show.

 

Should have read the fine print; personally I would like to see the bollock chewing nearly ex-MP kept in the outback until she finally grows up and finds herself a proper job”.

 

East to the land where everything came from

Construction workers in China have built a new road around a five-storey apartment block after two residents refused to leave.

Construction workers in the country's Zhejiang province surrounded their five-storey building with asphalt, leaving motorists to navigate an unlikely obstacle.

China's People's Daily newspaper said the couple refused to leave because they were unhappy with the compensation package they were offered.

Their neighbours are understood to have moved on, although some of their apartments have been left standing.

Once complete, the highway through Xiazhangyang village, on China's eastern coast, will lead to Wenling railway station, which is served by China's super-fast bullet trains.

 

But the good news is that they will excellent access to the chuff-chuff network...

 

Over a whimsy to the land of not a jot of radiation

 

Apparently Japan's era of shoguns and samurai is over, but the country does have one, or maybe two, surviving ninjas.

Ninjas passed skills from father to son - but today's say they will be the last.

Japan's ninjas were all about mystery. Hired by noble samurai warriors to spy, sabotage and kill, their dark outfits usually covered everything but their eyes, leaving them virtually invisible in shadow - until they struck.

Ninjas were also famed swordsmen. They used their weapons not just to kill but to help them climb stone walls, to sneak into a castle or observe their enemies.

Most of their missions were secret so there are very few official documents detailing their activities. Their tools and methods were passed down for generations by word of mouth.

Using weapons such as shuriken, a sharpened star-shaped projectile, and the fukiya blowpipe, they were silent but deadly.

 

I’ve had more than a few of those but luckily I have my Deoest fart proof draws.

 

And finally:

 

Still in the place where nothing glows in the dark

A jewellery store in downtown Tokyo has a pure gold revolving "tree" covered in Disney characters such as Mickey Mouse, Tinker Bell and Cinderella.

The tree-like ornament is made of 40 kg (88 pounds) of pure gold, standing about 2.4 meters (7.9 ft) high and 1.2 meters in diameter. It is decorated with pure gold plate silhouette cut outs of 50 popular Disney characters and draped with ribbons made of gold leaf.

The price tag? A mere 350 million yen ($4.2 million).

 

 Or if things are a bit tight you could have a scaled dahn version for just $243,000, which in “proper” money is about the same as you will pay for a non-fungus infected wooden one.

  

That’s it: I’m orf to have a squeeze of a rocky exoplanet, or two.

 

And today’s thought:

Just like home

 

Angus

The Edge of Reason: How to swallow a football: Rodney Hamilton: Woman on an ‘Orse: Heaven exists: and a Giant Hamster water wheel.

Minor amounts of lack of cold, miniscule amounts of atmospheric movement, meagre amounts of solar stuff and miserly amounts of skywater at the Castle this morn. 

Did a bit more putting coloured stuff on me and the floors, I even managed to get some on the walls yestermorn, having a day orf today to rest my poor old knees.

 

Up in the place where they speak Brummie

It seems that U-Turn Cam is going to let us know that Blighty is about to slowly sink into the Norf sea unless we come up with the core values of “hard work, strong families, taking responsibility and serving others”.

Allegedly shit for brains Dave will say: “Unless we act, unless we take difficult, painful decisions, unless we show determination and imagination, Britain may not be in the future what it has been in the past” at the CONTory gathering.

Apparently the Prime Monster reckons “The truth is this, we are in a global race today and that means an hour of reckoning for countries like ours. Sink or swim, do or decline.”

And Cupid Stunt Cameron will claim that “it’s not complicated” to tackle the major economic problems, providing the set of core values are followed and there is determination to act. He will also stress that Britain faces a bright future amid signs that the economy is finally beginning to heal.

 

Now:

Plan “A” didn’t work, plan “A”+ “a” isn’t working and Plan B to Z won’t work either because there is a slight flaw in the CONS cunning plan.

By taking money away from the electorate whether it be in benefits, pay cuts, pay freezes, extra taxes and price rises in travel, go juice and fuel the economy will not grow, if we can’t buy things/services companies will lose money, staff will be made redundant, welfare costs will rise and the extended recession will continue.

Those who have work are already working hard (for less pay), there are millions out there who give time for nothing by volunteering, those without work are trying to exist on the pittance handed out by the Irritable Bowel Twins while housing benefits are declining faster than U-Turn Cam’s rating and finding out that there aren’t a lot of jobs going round (graduate takes job as a scarecrow), the retired are concentrating on keeping warm and feeding themselves rather than buying a nice new 3d TV/furniture/car/gadgets and giving the economy a boost.

The banks have Billions of our loot, a large proportion of which is being used to repay the rip orf PPI thingy, while Son of a B.......aronet George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne is intent on lowering our standard of living to that of Eritrea.

 

The CONS really need to rethink, the CONDems really need to “wake up and smell the coffee (as they are the only ones who can afford it) and we really need to get rid of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, get rid of the EU and get rid of inept, overeducated, inexperienced posh twats that couldn’t find their rear exits with a wind turbine powered torch.

 

Up in the ‘Ackney part of the Smoke

 

A sports firm is warning that a football bigger than an adult's head could be a potential choking hazard to young children.

The flyaway plastic balls come with the caution: 'Warning! Not suitable for children under 3 years. ‘Choking hazard.'

Irish manufacturer Bellco Sports has defended the warning, claiming it is required under by EU health and safety laws.

 

Load of old balls?

 

Somewhere among the twitter twats

Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton has been forced into an embarrassing climb-down, after accusing his British teammate of showing him a lack of respect on Twitter.

The 27-year-old, who has incurred the wrath of officials at McLaren for his use of the social micro blogging network, condemned Jenson Button for apparently “unfollowing” updates from his account on the site, describing it as a “shame.”

However, after realising Button had not been following him in the first place, Hamilton issued an apology and said he would try to log on more frequently in future to avoid making a similar mistake.

 

What a Rodney-Good luck Mercedes...

 

West to the place where corn is very expensive

 

Police were dispatched after a report of a bull on the loose headed eastbound in Des Moines, Iowa Monday afternoon.

The bull was spotted in the area near the intersection of Southeast 30th Street and Scott Avenue, which is near the Iowa State Fair.

Five horseback riders and four dogs were called in to help search for the bull after it disappeared into a cornfield.

One rider could be seen almost gliding above the cornfield as she stood on top of her horse as it moved through the field.

The bull was found about 2:45 p.m.

Is it a kind of magic?

 

Still in the home of ever after and the land of happy

Apparently there is a heaven; Dr Eben Alexander, a Harvard-educated neurosurgeon, fell into a coma for seven days in 2008 after contracting meningitis.

During his illness Dr Alexander says that the part of his brain which controls human thought and emotion "shut down" and that he then experienced "something so profound that it gave me a scientific reason to believe in consciousness after death." In an essay for American magazine Newsweek, which he wrote to promote his book Proof of Heaven, Dr Alexander says he was met by a beautiful blue-eyed woman in a "place of clouds, big fluffy pink-white ones" and "shimmering beings".

 

I’ve been there mind you it was after having a few mushrooms with my bacon and eggs....

 

And finally:

 

 Back to the land that inspired the American “language”

 

A Wiltshire man has abandoned his bid to walk across the Irish Sea, after his giant floating hamster wheel sank.

Chris Todd, from Bromham, gave up 10 hours after starting out from north Wales for the Irish Republic when the rudders on his "Tredalo" failed.

He planned to try again, but the Tredalo broke up and sank in heavy seas as it was being towed back for repairs.

"So I'm afraid I don't have the Tredalo any more - but I've solved the problem of where to store it," Mr Todd said.

It took the 35-year-old engineer just under a year to build the raft in his back garden.

Mr Todd had hoped to make the crossing from Trearddur Bay near Holyhead to Greystones Harbour by walking the wheel for up to 48 hours

 

Knowing that has enriched my life...

That’s it: I’m orf to try out a dog’s breakfast

 

And today’s thought:

Read and digest U-Turn Cam

 

Angus

Going Dahn: The cost of morale: Heaven’s taxes: Mexican motors: Clipping dentist: In a hot hole: and a Brazilian Numpty.

Cold, wet and more than dismal at the Castle this morn, I spent most of yester aftermorn installing a new shower after the old one went tits up and deluged me with freezing cold water, and I spotted the first crocus in the garden.

Apparently U-Turn Cam is a bit disappointed over the economy

The Prime Monster said the worse-than-expected 0.2% contraction showed that the country was facing "extremely difficult economic times".

The contraction was driven by a 0.9% fall in manufacturing, a 4.1% drop in electricity and gas production as the warm weather caused people to turn down heating, and a 0.5% fall in the construction sector, while the powerhouse services sector ground to a halt.

And as the multi millionaire Eton shirt lifter couldn’t blame cold weather or an Icelandic volcano he decided that the "overhang" of debt run up under the previous government, high food and commodity prices, and the eurozone crisis was the cause.

 
Everyone else’s fault but the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

East to the land of exploding things

 

Celebrities embarking on “morale-boosting” visits to troops serving in Afghanistan cost taxpayers hundreds of thousands of pounds last year, new figures have shown.

Katherine Jenkins, the opera singer who is also the “Forces Sweetheart”, David Beckham, the former England captain and Cheryl Cole, the pop star, were among the high profile visitors to the war zone in 2011.

Defence chiefs organise the important “morale-boosting” trips to the front line as part of attempts to maintain troops' spirits as they battle against the Taliban.

Celebrities don flak jackets and helmets, travel on military flights before bedding down alongside servicemen and women during the publicised trips that generally provide favourable coverage.

Ministry of Defence (MoD) figures provided to Parliament on Tuesday show that taxpayers were billed £437,637 for celebrity visits "including an element for UK travel and mobilisation".

The MoD could not say if the stars were paid for the visits or how many trips were made.

 

That should read “would not say if the stars were paid for the visits or how many trips were made”

Left to the land of the tithe and the home of God

A 40-year-old man who told IRS agents he was not subject to man's laws but instead was an American national who "resided in the Kingdom of Heaven," pleaded not guilty this week to charges he filed false tax returns.

Russell P. Gentile, of Melbourne, Fla., also faces one count of obstruction of an IRS agent after a grand jury indicted him.

The indictment reported that in 2008 Gentile claimed that he had no reportable income for the years 2001 and 2002. Gentile sent a letter to the Internal Revenue Service disputing the government's claims and stated that he didn't have to provide information about his income.

Investigators reported that Gentile told IRS agents that he would sue them in court if they continued to call him and ordered them to remove his name and Social Security number from the agency's databases.



Good try...bad plan.

Dahn to the place that doesn’t like Clarkson

Nissan Motor Co. announced Wednesday it is investing $2 billion to build a new manufacturing plant in Mexico. It will be the Japanese company's third in the country, helping it serve markets throughout the Americas.

Construction of the plant in the northern state of Aguascalientes will begin this summer and production should start by the end of next year, according to a company statement. It said an industrial park for supplier companies also will be built.

The plant is projected to have the capacity to produce 175,000 vehicles a year, focusing on "B" platform vehicles. Those include the Versa, March and Tiida. The company says that will give Nissan the ability to produce 1 million cars a year in Mexico in the midterm.

Nissan manufactured more than 600,000 vehicles in Mexico last year, and it reported selling 1.56 million vehicles throughout the Americas, giving it a 7 percent market share for the hemisphere.

Nissan topped sales in Mexico last year with more than 224,000 vehicles, nearly 25 percent of the market.

Nissan said it expects to employ 3,000 workers, raising the company's total workforce in Mexico to 13,500. It projects the new plant will create 9,000 other jobs indirectly.

The company's production in Mexico includes the March, Sentra, Versa, Tiida autos, as well as the aging but still popular Tsuru model widely used as a taxi. It also produces NP300 light trucks.

Note to oneself-do not buy a Nissan-Datsun recalls

Up again to the land of private everything

In the state of many teeth a former dentist has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud for using sections of paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals in an effort to save money.

Michael Clair, who had a practice in Fall River, Massachusetts, is scheduled to be sentenced next week. He pleaded guilty Friday to defrauding Medicaid of $130,000, assault and battery, illegally prescribing prescription drugs and witness intimidation charges.

Some of Clair's patients reported infections after he performed root canals on them, said Grant Woodman, a spokesman for state Attorney General Martha Coakley, whose office prosecuted Clair.

Prosecutors say Clair was suspended by Medicaid in 2002 but continued filing by using the names of other dentists in his practice.

Clair's license to practice dentistry was suspended in Massachusetts in July 2006. Woodman said Clair is no longer licensed to practice dentistry in any state.

James Kulild, a professor of endodontics at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Dentistry, said a paper clip should never be left in permanently.

And there are very limited circumstances under which a paper clip could be used during dental procedures.

Yeah, like holding the patients’ notes together.

Dahn Unda and right a bit

With just a few thrusts of a shovel, beach-goers in Coromandel Forest Park can watch a slow gurgle of warm, geothermal water rise from below the sand to gently fill a personal spa-like pool. In peak season, hundreds take to the beach with their bucket and trowel, digging pools just big enough to lie out in the water, which can reach temperatures of 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Those who forget a spade still can't be dismayed, as the local surf shop rents out digging tools for hot-tub creation.

Despite the comfort of the beach side spa, visitors must be careful not to venture to close to the water past low tide, as the breaking waves and rip currents near the beach have a notorious and dangerous track record, and high tide comes in and washes down the walls of their personal tubs.

Get a bleedin life....

And finally: 

Back over to the place I wouldn’t buy a Nissan from and dahn a bit

Security camera footage from Brazil shows how a hapless bank robber was quite literally the architect of his own downfall.

CCTV from a bank in northern Paraná, Brazil recorded the action when three armed men stormed the building on Monday.

All appeared to be running smoothly for the trio of thieves as the security guards quickly capitulated and the bank tellers handed over around 30,000 Brazilian reais (£11,000) to them.

Unfortunately the check-shirted man who was acting as the lookout at the front door was armed with two pistols and an apparent itchy-trigger finger.

Idly fumbling with one of the weapons he managed to accidentally shoot himself in the foot with the gun in his right hand.

He is last seen on the CCTV limping from the bank behind his two accomplices.

Natural justice.
 

That’s it: I’m orf to pour some whisky into the Hondas go juice tank

And today’s thought:

Angus