Schools out: Bad maths: Tyred bull: Flying porn: Chickenpox lollies: and a Piss Poor Pilot.

‘Tis a bit nicer at the Castle this morn-warmish, dryish and calmish, the study is devoid of non adding machines, and his Maj has brought me his first catch-a worm.

I’m orf to the smoke later to visit “Ms” sister up near Kew Bridge, should be interesting, I don’t do heights and she lives on the sixteenth floor.

And here is a nice pic of the asteroid that didn’t hit us the other night.

Allegedly head teachers are about to go on strike over their pensions

But union chiefs say it is still "not too late" to resolve the public sector pensions impasse.

Members of the National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) voted by three to one in favour of the November 30th walkout over the coalition's plans to slash teachers' pensions. Turnout was 53.6%.

The 'yes' vote is a historic moment for NAHT, which had not previously backed strike action in its 114-year history. Its members hold leadership positions in 85% of primary schools and over 40% of secondary schools.

Should be given detention.

And staying on Education, education, education

Apparently too many children leave school unable to add, subtract and divide after being put off by “flawed” maths lessons, according to a leading examiner.

Mark Dawe, chief executive of OCR, one of Britain's biggest exam boards, said growing numbers of young people struggled to function in further education or the world of work after failing to “acquire the maths skills that society demands” at school.

He suggested that the existing curriculum was unable to cater for children with different needs, including the very brightest at one end and those that struggle with the basics at the other.

Currently, almost half of 16-year-olds fail to achieve grade C at GCSE, with just 15 per cent studying maths beyond that level.

It is also feared that as many as a quarter of economically active adults are "functionally innumerate".

Maybe the “Heads” should concentrate a little more on the pupils....

Over to the Island state on the left

A rodeo bull in Hawaii appears comfortable again after spending about 20 hours with his head stuck in a giant tyre.

The 800-pound bull, named Skywalker, couldn't eat or drink after he got his head lodged in the truck tyre that someone dumped at the Triple L Ranch in Maui, ranch owner Paige De Ponte said.

"He was uncomfortable and it took all day to get him out," she said Wednesday.

No one could get near the cranky bull Tuesday until Skywalker became exhausted enough for ranch worker Kawika Manoa to use a piece of wood to pry off the tyre, which weighs more than 50 pounds. Skywalker didn't put up a fight and then went straight for the water trough after being released from the rubber ring, De Ponte said.

Just as well that tyre is dangerous, it’s bald.....

Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary

Is thinking up yet another cunning plan to make a bit more money by offering a host of web-based offerings to flyers via an app including gambling and even pornographic movies.

 His model is the pay TV services hotels offer guests.

O'Leary said he hopes to launch an in-flight web offer that mimics hotel room pay-TV services.

"I'm not talking about having it on screens on the back of seats for everyone to see," O'Leary told The Sun. "It would be on handheld devices. Passengers would be able to log into a Ryanair app using their iPads or smart phones." 

Numpty...

 

Back over to the other fifty states

US parents who reportedly buy mail order lollies infected with chickenpox to try to help their children build up immunity from the virus are being warned the practice could be dangerous.

The treats have apparently emerged following chickenpox "parties" - where parents get their youngsters together with an infected child so they catch it, in the belief it will strengthen their defences.

Such gatherings have become popular in recent years following health concerns related to vaccinations.

But Jerry Martin, US attorney for the Middle District of Tennessee, said he was concerned by reports in Phoenix and Nashville of people going on Facebook to find lollipops, saliva or other items from children who have chickenpox.

He said: "Can you imagine getting a package in the mail from this complete stranger that you know from Facebook because you joined a group, and say, 'Here, drink this purported spit from some other kid?'"

Mr Martin said it was a federal crime to send diseases or viruses across state lines in the post.

Nice.....

 

And finally:

 

Back in Blighty

A 71-year-old light aircraft pilot almost paid the ultimate price for wanting to spend a penny, it was revealed today.

Having eaten a light meal and downed two mugs of tea, the pilot took off from Husbands Bosworth in Leicestershire, a report by the Air Accidents Investigation Branch (AAIB) said.

After 45 minutes he decided he might need a "toilet call" but had already passed three landing sites he visited regularly.

He considered landing at Breighton airfield in North Yorkshire but decided to continue on to Rufforth, only 15 minutes further away.

The AAIB report said the pilot came in to land at Rufforth "with the toilet call still on his mind".

He was lining the plane up and then "remembered nothing else until he was crawling out of the aircraft".

Should have flown Ryanair......

That’s it: I’m orf to test drive a new motor 

And adding up today’s thought: "Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Angus

Olympic gold: Piss Poor air travel: Stoned old farts: DIY La Espana: Free ride: and Saddam’s buttock.

Cloudy, clammy and coldish at the Castle this morn, the study is still empty of fixable what-knots, and the garden is still in need of a medium, fettling. 

It seems that Blighty already has Olympic gold

Olympic bureaucrats have spent more than £100,000 on corporate credit cards in two years, spending taxpayers’ money on 5 star hotels, shopping trips to Fortnum & Mason, Krispy Kreme doughnuts and trophies for staff.

Officials at the Olympic Delivery Authority, the quango responsible for building London 2012 Olympic park, spent £4,350 on hosting board dinners at The Athenaeum, a private Pall Mall gentlemen’s club whose former members include Sir Winston Churchill and the Duke of Wellington.

The full scale of spending on the cards has been revealed following a parliamentary question. Executives also spent £106 on a “get well soon basket” from Fortnum & Mason, the upmarket shop, and £1,475 at Formans, the famous salmon restaurant and fishmongers, in a visit by the Planning Committee.

Other bills include £391.31 at Autosound Ltd, a Bradford company that fits car radios and sat nav devices, and £410 at Brown’s, a London flower shop.

More than £445 was spent at Doggett's Coat and Badge, a pub in London, during a “transport team stakeholder meeting”. The bill for a team-building away day for finance staff at All Star Lanes, a 'boutique’ 1950s-themed bowling alley which serves cocktails and dinner came to £397.

Records show quango staff spent £355 at James Shoe Care, a cobbler’s shop, to engrave trophies for “contractor diversity” and “health and safety” awards, while £94 was spent on Krispy Kreme doughnuts. A spokesman said the sugary treats were bought “to get people to turn up” for events at which contractors bid for projects.

Speculate to accumulate?

 

And:

Ryanair unveils its latest plan to save money

Passengers on Europe’s biggest airline may soon need to cross their legs – or queue to use one toilet between more than 200 people. Ryanair has dropped its plan to charge passengers for using on-board toilets, but is pressing ahead with proposals to remove two of the three lavatories on each plane and replace them with seats.

The airline, which will carry 75 million passengers this year, has only one aircraft type: the Boeing 737-800. Ryanair has installed 189 seats on each plane, the maximum allowed under current rules.

“We’re trying to push Boeing to re-certify the aircraft for six more seats, particularly for short-haul flights”, said Mr O’Leary. “We very rarely use all three toilets on board our aircraft anyway.”

 The airline’s chief executive, Michael O’Leary, told The Independent “It would fundamentally lower air fares by about five per cent for all passengers” – cutting £2 from a typical £40 ticket.

Buckets for sale-£2 each.........

Over in the land of brave and the home of the free

Three senior citizens have been hospitalized after unknowingly eating pot brownies during a memorial service for a friend.

The victims, who are in their 70s and 80s, were admitted to Hoag Hospital on Saturday complaining of "nausea, dizziness, and inability to stand unassisted" after eating the brownies.

"At the service, a tray of brownies were offered that has since been determined to have contained 'medical' marijuana," Huntington Beach Police Department officials said.

"No one was told the brownies contained the marijuana before they were consumed."

All three victims are going to be okay.

Investigators say someone brought the brownies as a tribute to the deceased, who apparently used medical marijuana on a regular basis.

 Ah; the good old Sixties. Seventies. Eighties......

Back over to bollixed up Europe

A cash-strapped Spanish town has surprised its residents by asking them to pick up a broom and sweep their own streets and pavements.

The official request by the mayor of Esparreguera, a town of 22,000 people in north-eastern Spain's Catalonia region, did not go down well with all inhabitants.

"The town hall does not have the financial means at the moment to improve municipal cleaning and gardening services," said the request by Mayor Joan-Paul Udina of the moderate Convergence and Union party.

Apparently Spanish towns are hard up. By the end of June, municipal debts amounted to 37.64 billion Euros ($51 billion), or 3.5 percent of gross domestic product. In addition, the country's 17 regional governments have a total debt of 133.172 billion Euros, or 12.4 percent of GDP.

 

Join the bleedin club.....

East many, many kilometres

Japan will offer 10,000 foreigners free airfares to visit the country next year, in an attempt to boost the tourism industry.

The Japan Tourism Agency plans to ask would-be travellers to submit online applications for the free flights, detailing which areas of the country they would like to visit, the Yomiuri Shimbun newspaper reported.

The agency will select the successful entrants and ask them to write a report about their trip which will be published on the internet.

Don’t forget to pack the radiation suit.......

And finally:

Back in Blighty

Ex-SAS man Nigel Ely, 52, smashed off a buttock from a statue of Saddam Hussein when it was toppled to mark Iraq’s liberation in 2003.

Nigel sneaked the bronze souvenir out of Iraq then paid £385 in excess baggage charges to get it back to Britain and has kept it at home ever since.

Now he is selling the buttock in aid of injured soldiers – and auctioneers think the piece could raise at least £10,000.

Nigel, who was working with a TV news crew as Baghdad fell, said: “When we arrived in Firdos Square the statue had just been toppled and US Marines had erected a cordon of tanks to guard the square.

"But I wanted a piece of the statue and when I mentioned to the Marines I was an old soldier they told me ‘No problem – help yourself’.”

Hansons Auctioneers will put the buttock under the hammer in Derby on October 27. Auctioneer Charles Hanson, of BBC’s Bargain Hunt, said: “It’s unlikely that more parts of the statue survived since almost everything metal or of value in Iraq was scrounged and melted down after the invasion.”

Bum lot-wonder where the winning bidder will “hang” it?

That’s it: I’m orf to source a wildcat 

And today’s thought: "Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea." - Jessica Simpson.

 Angus

Auditing the auditors: Something is happening this week: Chinese bun robbers: A Ninja in Tunbridge Wells: 16th Century PC: and Ryanair gets some pay back.

The weather at the Castle has gone down hill this morn, cold, cloudy, breezy and dull, it is so bad that the butler has had to venture out to snatch a few fat teenagers for the furnace. 

What is left of my locks has been shorn and the Honda is disappearing under a layer of dust/sand/pollen and I am still having to water the hanging baskets, wall boxes and pots.

The “political” news is still chuntering on about AV, but there is this snippet about the Audit Commission which is responsible for policing spending at local authorities, NHS trusts and other government bodies.

Allegedly the knobs at the top have been putting luxury goods and services on their taxpayer-funded credit cards.

As well as meals costing several hundred pounds at Michelin-starred restaurants, the officials spent a four figure sum on flowers and also bought goods from HMV and Thorntons, the cinema chain and chocolatier, and purchased cinema tickets and doughnuts.

A spokesman insisted that all of the spending on Government Procurement Cards – which are in the form of credit cards and are rebated by the taxpayer – was “legitimate”.

He added: “In common with many public bodies the Audit Commission uses Government Procurement Cards for low value transactions or where a purchase order is impractical.

“Procurement cards are recognised as the most cost-effective way of dealing with such transactions and often result in lower prices.

Yeah right……

And this week there is apparently very important things going on, did you now that it is Beanpole week, or Real bread Maker week and on Friday the most important thing of all-International Dance Day.

Who says Blighty is boring.

East to the land of odd laws

A group of pregnant thieves who ransacked shopping malls in a Chinese city for more than a decade was behind bars Thursday.

The 47-strong maternal crime ring, dubbed the "Big Belly Gang," was thought to have been responsible for the majority of the 3,000 cases of in-store thefts reported in the coastal metropolis of Hangzhou last year.

Operating in groups of five, three non-pregnant women would distract staff while two pregnant gang members stole goods from the store -- or money and valuables from other shoppers.

A month long police operation finally trapped the gang members, who met each day at the local school's gates and split their proceeds on a 60/40 basis between the non-pregnant members and those stealing for two.

China's notoriously tough justice system does not extend to pregnant and lactating women, who can plead a "special situation" and be released almost immediately. One of the boldest members was arrested and released 47 times.

Most gang members appeared to have at least three children and some had as many as eight, in defiance of China's one-child policy. Others got pregnant in order to remain active members of the gang but later had abortions.

The gang members' stay-at-home husbands often looked after their children.

Up the duff and in the clink (That's not them by the way).

Back in Blighty

A crime-fighting Ninja has begun patrolling the streets of Royal Tunbridge Wells scaring off yobs, helping pensioners and rescuing cats from trees.

His mission is simple – to clean up the streets. Speaking on condition of anonymity he said: ‘It’s my aim to help people, I am inspired by Neighbourhood Watch, which people seem to have forgotten about, and so I’ve created Ninja Watch. There is still lots of trouble in Tunbridge Wells and the community does not seem to be as together as it used to be.

The 25-year-old, who calls himself the ‘Neighbourhood Ninja of Tunbridge Wells’, claims to be a ‘grandmaster’ of the Japanese martial art based on ‘stealth and infiltration’.

Origami can kill, ever got a paper cut?

Back to the “Ladies”

A guide written in 1505 has been found and it contains 'secrets' about females that take political incorrectness to extremes.

Perhaps the worst of the advice is that ‘females are failed males’. The book, De Secretis Mulierum (On The Secrets Of Women), also suggests men wanting to check if a woman is a virgin should ask her to sniff a lettuce. If she then wants to go to the loo she is ‘corrupted’.

Other revelations include women being able to kill animals with a glance during their time of the month and odd food cravings in pregnancy being down to ‘evil humours’.

Husbands who want a male child are told to give their wives wine that contains the pulverised womb and intestines of a hare. Once pregnant, the female will have a girl if her left breast is bigger than her right and a boy if it’s the right.

The book was found in the archives of the Royal Society of Chemistry in central London.

It is thought to have been written by Albertus Magnus, a theologian and ‘scientist’, and to have been given to a priest to help him understand women.

I’m saying nothing…..now where did I put that lettuce?

And finally:

Ryanair has launched an enquiry after three passengers on the same flight each won a car worth £11,500 after playing its in-flight scratch card game.

The three passengers, who were flying from Milan to Madrid last Monday, won the prize after buying one of the airline's £2 scratch cards, despite an average of one car being won each month.

The airline blamed a printing error by Brandforce, the company which runs the game, but has promised that all three winners will receive their vehicles.

Ryanair began selling scratch cards in 2008 in an attempt to further increase its additional or “ancillary” revenues. Around a quarter of the airline’s annual earnings are generated by ancillary revenues. Its extra charges, including check-in fees, booking fees and luggage charges have increased by up to 700 per cent since 2006.

Last month, Ryanair was criticised for imposing an additional £2 charge on all bookings to insure itself against flight cancellations, while next month it will allow passengers to reserve individual seats for the first time, at a cost of £8.80 per person per flight, on services from Dublin Airport to Gatwick and Malaga.

Robber robbed?

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at Enceladus’s aurora.

And today’s thought: “This is a great day for France!" --Said while attending Charles De Gaulle's Funeral. - Richard Nixon 

Angus

SATURDAY SNIPPETS 6

From Yahoo! News UK Ryanair passengers were shocked last month when Michael O'Leary threatened to "put a coin-slot on the toilet doors so that people might have to actually spend a pound to spend a penny, but all is OK, Ryanair spokesman for Germany, Anja Seugling, told the Ostthueringer Zeitung daily, "it was all just a gag," adding that O'Leary was probably just thinking out loud.


Oh only a joke; and I thought he was just taking the piss; and anyway he wouldn’t be able to fit it on the plane (see above)




Don’t try this at home: if you want to see tomorrow.


For sale: nagging wife, very high maintenance A British man fed up with his wife's complaints advertised her for sale -- and got a number of offers:

“Nagging Wife. No Tax, No MOT. Very high maintenance -- some rust," wrote Gary Bates, 38, in a small ad in Trade-It, more usually used to buy and sell cars or household goods.”

Bates, a self-employed builder from Gloucestershire, southwest England, snapped after his wife Donna on got on his nerves while she was watching television and decided to place the ad as a joke.

"She was nagging me for doing something small, while she was watching some rubbish on TV. So I just thought I'd put an ad in to get rid of her.

"I didn't think anyone would ring up but I've had at least nine or 10 people calling about her. It's gone mad. There was no one I knew -- just people asking, 'Is she still available?'"

The couple only married last year.

Any bets on the second anniversary?




You vill pay.

AnanovaA German mathematician who died 450 years ago has been sent a letter demanding that he pay for a TV licence.

Germany's GEZ sent the bill to the last home address of algebra expert Adam Ries, who bought the property in 1525.

"We received a letter saying 'To Mr Adam Ries' on it, with the request to pay his television and radio fees," said Annegret Muench, who now heads a club honouring the mathematician, which uses the house as its HQ.

Miss Muench returned the letter to the GEZ with a note explaining the request had come too late, as Ries had died in 1559. But she still received a reminder a few weeks later

Don’t forget-you’re on the database.



A nice cup of tea.

Ananova A psychologist says tea and coffee really do taste better from your favourite cup or mug.

Dr Tom Stafford, of Sheffield University, says our brains are trained to believe the daily ritual of making coffee or tea should be done in a certain way.

"Drinking tea and coffee is very ritualistic and people become very addictive to the way they want their brew made," he told the Daily Telegraph.

"Caffeine is very much a drug of reward and like any addict, people develop passions on how the drug is delivered. Wherever there is drug use then rituals will always develop

According to research, 65% of Brits have a favourite cup or mug.


I knew it!






This is my contribution to the “chocolate” tax debate.


Ananova A Devon woman who eats 30 bars of chocolate a week has just celebrated her 100th birthday.

Peggy Griffiths, of Abbotsham, has scoffed an estimated 70,000 Cadbury's Dairy Milk bars in her time.

Her lifetime chocolate consumption has been estimated at an incredible four tonnes, reports The Sun.

Peggy said: "When I was young I could buy a bar of chocolate with my pocket money. It only cost tuppence and tasted exactly like it does now."

Her daughter Eileen Osborne, 69, said she ran a sweet shop in the 1930s but it went bust because she ate all the profits.

Eileen said: "When mum was a little girl, her mother told her that sweets were bad for you but chocolate was good.

"She absolutely loves it. She's a chocoholic and her diet agrees with her."





SPORT

Ananova A parrot has caused chaos at a football match.

The parrot, Me-Tu was accompanying owner Irene Kerrigan to a game between Hertfordshire Rangers and Hatfield Town.

Ref Gary Bailey, 45, told the Daily Mirror: "I've never known anything like it. This woman was standing right by the touchline and suddenly unveiled this big green parrot.

"Every time I blew my whistle the bird made exactly the same sound.

"The players all stopped so I had to ask her to move the parrot."

He added: "I've never sent off a parrot before."

Apart from his whistling, Me-Tu also shouted "pretty boy" at the players from his cage on the sidelines.

Good job it didn’t know the “ref is f……..”






Oh yes we did

Baseball 'invented in Britain' Local historians in Surrey have confirmed that baseball was played in the UK more than 20 years before American independence.

A diary that documents a game being played in Guildford in 1755 has been verified by Surrey History Centre.

William Bray, a Surrey diarist and historian from Shere, wrote about the game when he was still a teenager.

Julian Pooley, Surrey History Centre manager and William Bray expert, said the diary showed the game was a well-established sport in the 18th Century and was played by men and women.

Mr Pooley said: "He kept lots and lots of diaries that we have in the Surrey History Centre but last year a new one was discovered in a garden shed and it contains his diary from 1754 to 1755.

"It contains a reference to him playing baseball. What intrigued me is he is playing it with a load of young ladies."


Rounders anyone?


That’s yer lot.



“I married beneath me; all women do. Nancy Astor


Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

THE SUNDAY SECTION

Bacon Butty?

Here’s the best place to get one according to the AA-Bob's Big Bite in Stourbridge; a combination of "solid back bacon" between "robust" hand-sliced bread presented on "a real plate with a paper napkin" according to the Telegraph.

Or how a bout Britain’s best cup of char: Mega Bites cafe in Portsmouth.

And after that the best loos can be found at Mickey's Diner in Aylesford, Kent.

These discoveries were made by Andy Taylor, the AA's patrolman of the year who spent a month travelling round, and gaining half a stone in weight.

The “experts” in Leeds University have of course made vital research into this most important subject, and have produced a recipe for the perfect bacon butty-Take two or three back bacon rashers, cook under a preheated grill for seven minutes at around 240°C and nestle between two slices of farmhouse bread around 1-2cm thick.

And there is even a formula-N = C + {fb (cm) . fb (tc)} + fb (Ts) + fc . ta, where N=force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon, fb=function of the bacon type, fc=function of the condiment/filling effect, Ts=serving temperature, tc=cooking time, ta=time or duration of application of condiment/filling, cm=cooking method, C=Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.


I can smell the bacon now.



How not to behave at an airport- The Register

The woman turned up late for her flight to San Franciso, the plane doors had been closed and her luggage was offloaded, she threw a “wobbly”, you will need earpugs if you click on the video.


Spoilt brat comes to mind.


See through trains- The Register

Well not really, but female staff who work for Express's East Coast line connecting London and Edinburgh have refused to sport new uniforms because the blouses leave "little to the imagination" of passengers.

The Transport Salaried Staffs Association said that staff had returned the offending clothing to the company demanding a less transparent alternative.

The SUN of course has provided a photo of a see through blouse here, if you feel the need lads.

Still I suppose it’s better then looking at the back of someones head when you are standing because the train is so crowded.




And staying on the “wobbly bits” theme- quicker-drying bras • The Register , the ultimate accessory for those ladies who don’t have more than one bra- The Bra Dryer, which uses infra-red heat to “gently remove moisture” from the offending item.

Maybe they could make use of it at Express's East Coast.




And finally Ryanair may charge cattle to use the bog • The Register

Yes I know it’s old news but, Ryanair is taking the piss, passengers have to load their own luggage, pay for everything from food to the air they breathe, in order for the airline to “keep lowering the cost of air travel." Eventually the “extras” will cost more than the flight: the next thing will be a whip round for the fuel before take off.

If it comes into force here is a link for urine drainage bags, giant nappies are available from all good drug stores: it may work out cheaper.

“Flying might not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the price.” Amelia Earhart


Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico