Every little broadband: Up and dahn-again: Opaque transparency: Big Bougainvillea: I like to ride my Ferrari: Cyclegen in Brockenhurst: and Kung fu nuns.

Chucking it dahn (again) at the castle this morn, but it did turn out nice yesterday and I managed to sort out the hanging baskets, wall boxes and pots with nice new compost and liners, and even a spot of sitting in the sun for a while.

The arm is still OKish, the partial toof thingy still make me vomit and his Maj has become fussy over his grub-I think that a certain neighbour is slipping him “posh” food...

My favourite retailer

Has apparently come up with a cunning plan to entice us into a broadband “revolution” by offering up-to-20Mbps, unlimited web stuff at £2.50 per month.

Snags are-

You need to buy line rental from Tesco at £13.75/month and switch your phone service to them, with inclusive evening and weekend phone calls. Total price: £16.25/month.

The standard contract is 12 months, or there’s a £40 one-off charge to join on a 30-day rolling contract. You also have to be on a telephone exchange fitted with Tesco broadband equipment.

After 12 months, the service reverts to Tesco’s full price of £6.50/month plus line rental.

 

And probably price increases every month because every little helps-their profits.

After scuttling our aircraft carriers and grounding our Harrier jump jets

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires club Coalition has decided that when (if) we get new carriers the Government will now purchase the jump-jet model of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter plane instead, reversing one of the central decisions in the Coalition’s controversial defence review.

Defence Secretary no nuts Phil Hammond will claim the decision will save hundreds of millions of pounds and help the Armed Forces.

Apparently ministers will argue that the change could bring some military benefits to the UK. In particular, buying the jump-jet could mean the next generation of carriers is ready to sail

The decision to install catapults on the new carriers was expected to delay the arrival of the new vessels until at least 2020. Delays in completing the conventional variant plane could have pushed that date back to 2023 or even later, leaving the UK without a working aircraft carrier for at least a decade.

By contrast, the development of the jump-jet fighter is proceeding more smoothly than expected, meaning the aircraft could be ready to fly from the new carriers as early as 2018.

Adopting the jump-jet could also allow the Navy to have two operational carriers. Under the review, one of the new carriers is to be mothballed to save money.

Downing Street confirmed a statement on the carrier programme was imminent.

Err didn’t we already have carriers and jump jets?

Meanwhile the Secretary of Elf

Has decided to veto publication of the paper exposing the dangers of the latest health service shake-up in defiance of a tribunal, which said it should be released under the Freedom of Information Act.

Tosspot Lansley invoked a rarely used veto saying that, while he believed in ‘greater transparency’, it was essential to retain ‘a safe space where officials are able to give ministers full and frank advice in developing policies and programmes’.

Apparently it seems that according to “Mr” Lansley “The public had all the information it needed to decide on the reforms”

Except for the bits they don’t want us to see.......

 

East to the land of lots and lots of people

A big Bougainvillea is set to become top of the crops as it nears the 100-ft mark.

Planted more than 10 years ago, the monster plant has become a unique feature of a university campus.

And now the creeper has reached such a height that officials are applying to Guinness World Records for recognition.

One student at the college in Nanning, southern China revealed that occupants of the building have been taking time out of their studies to care for the plant.

"We all help to keep the plant healthy from the windows of our room with some leaf pruning or feeding," he said.

"We don't mind that it blocks out the light - it's beautiful to look at when it's in flower."

Hope they don’t have a hosepipe ban there....

Left to the land that isn’t Italy

Austrian artist Hannes Langeder spent a year creating the Fahrradi Farfall FFX based on the Italian sports car manufacturer's £1million track-only Ferrari FXX.

Very nice, but sadly it is pedal driven, made from a combination of plastic and light-weight steel, the unique bicycle weighs just 100kg and is steered using pedals which control 11 different gears.

Langeder even claims the vehicle actually lifts off the ground when ridden by a fast enough cyclist.

The eco-friendly car is currently on display at an automotive exhibition in Austria where it is considered road-safe.

 Wonder if it is congestion charge free?

Dahn in the New Forest

Guests in the “Standing Hat” room at Cottage Lodge in the village of Brockenhurst, can now keep fit, watch their favourite programmes, and do their bit for the environment using the novel device.

The room also features low-energy lighting, solar panels and a wood-burning stove to produce hot water, and a low-flow toilet and shower to reduce water use. The publicity also boasts that environmentally-friends paints and low-impact building materials were used throughout, while the room’s bed, bedside table, dressing table, wardrobe and mirror were crafted by a local tree surgeon from a single beech tree which fell in the village.

Christina Simons, the hotel’s owner, has spent nearly eight years turning it into a green retreat, but explained how the 360-year-old property has recycling in its heritage.

“The building dates back to 1650, and was actually constructed from a reclaimed ship,” she said.

Nothing new-the butler has been using one of those for years.

And finally: 

East again to Kathmandu

A prayer of nuns arrange themselves into lines around a golden Buddhist shrine to undergo a rigorous and aggressive martial arts routine as the world's first order of kung fu nuns.

The sisters of the Amitabha Drukpa Nunnery - aged from nine to 52 - come from across Nepal, India, Tibet and Bhutan to learn the ancient Chinese discipline of kung fu, which they believe will help them be better Buddhists.

Every day, they exchange their maroon robes and philosophical studies for an intense 90-minute session of hand chops, punches, shrieks and soaring high kicks.

"The main reason for practising kung fu is for fitness and for health, but it also helps with meditation and self-defence,'' 14-year-old Jigme Wangchuk Lhamo, who was sent to the nunnery from Bhutan four years ago, said.

"When we practise kung fu we are doing something which gives us not only strong bodies but also strong minds.''

 

Bet they don’t get nun....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to put the speed gun on a glacier.

And today’s thought:

They might get some.

Angus

The Fat lady: Tottering on to 120: Porbeagle takes a bite of Currie: Crap Cockroaches: Golf cart boat-not: and Holy Rollers.

‘Tis decent-ish at the Castle this morn, sunny, warm, calm and dry, in reply to Bernard’s comment on Friday’s post the “polo” is a bit of parrotstyrene from the bottom of the box the plants came in and the “two pound” coin in just a bit of cardboard-the snail is dead.... 

Many, many thanks for all the kind words, comments and emails re yesterday’s post, six long years, seems like six hours, but life must go on.....

The Express is mourning the loss of the “Fat lady” a 30-year-old 61lb 6oz carp that was found floating in St Ives Lakes, Cambs. It had often been caught but always put back.

Anglers across the UK came to see her. Fishery owner Gordon Howes said: “The Fat Lady was such a draw.” 

Carp and chips in Cambridgeshire tonight then.......

According to “experts”

Babies born today could eventually spend half of their lives in retirement; ministers are expected to claim this week, as they set out the need for reform of the pension system.

A quarter of girls under 20 and a fifth of boys are already expected to live to 100, according to the Department for Work and Pensions. But medical advances and improved diets could mean people living even longer, with growing numbers celebrating their 110th or even 120th birthday. Most pensions are designed to fund around 20 years out of work.

The coalition is moving the state pension age to 66 for men and women by 2020, but future changes could be linked to life expectancy. Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, previously warned that "in a country in which 11 million of us will live to be 100, we simply cannot go on paying the state pension at an age that was set early in the last century." 

I wonder how the next generation will take having to work to one hundred.

North of the border

An 8ft shark bit off more than it could chew when it came up against fisherman ­Hamish Currie.

The 52-year-old skipper ­struggled for two hours to land the 300lb monster, which his crewmates dubbed “The Beast”.

Hamish had to call on every one of his 45 years of experience as a fisherman as the dangerous Porbeagle shark rammed his 30ft rigid inflatable boat, sunk its teeth into the port side and bit into one of his ­crewmates’ boots.

Yesterday he described the ­moment he knew something out of the ordinary had taken a bite on his line.

“When she started ramming I knew she was a real bad fish, a wicked girl,” he said. “She took two bites and ­punctured the boat. I think she lost a couple of teeth when she took those chunks.

“I’ve landed loads of sharks over the years but she was by far the worst. They can be aggressive but she was really, really angry. She was unbelievable.”

“We had her on the boat for no more than five minutes before we threw her back.”

Porbeagles – which are closely related to the Great Whites ­featured in Hollywood thriller Jaws – have been known to attack ­humans, although it is rare. Three non-fatal attacks were recorded in 2009.

No Porbeagle and chips in Portnahaven tonight then....

East a lot to the “Dark Continent”

Kole Aboke, a teacher at St. Mary’s College, fell in a pit latrine in Central division on Saturday as he looked for cockroaches for a Biology practical lesson.

According to a source, the teacher was given money to buy 80 cockroaches for the lesson, but opted to look for the specimen himself. A Good Samaritan who helped pull out the teacher from the latrine said it took them one hour to rescue him.

The teacher had reportedly collected 40 cockroaches by the time he fell in the latrine.

Ochan, an eye witness of the rescue mission, said the teacher first took local brew with his colleagues before he left to collect the specimens. Ochan said the teacher sustained minor injuries and was rushed to Megwa clinic in Lira town.

That’ll teach him to be a cheapskate.

North of the border again

During yesterday's Ricoh women's British Open at Carnoustie this golf buggy ended up in Barry Burn.

No name was being given out by tight-lipped tournament officials, who confirmed only that the driver had been a support technician for the broadcaster ESPN, who leaped clear as the vehicle approached the edge. 

That’ll teach him to rely on sat nav.....

And finally: 

Wheeley fast Nuns

The Peirogi Parade in Whiting, Ind., is billed as one-of-a-kind and off the wall, and on Friday night the Holy Rollers made the parade even more memorable.

The Holy Rollers are nuns from the Carmelite Order of St. Joseph. They were on roller skates, making their first appearance in the parade.

The Peirogi Festival is a celebration of Whiting's Eastern European heritage. Among the attractions are 19 peirogi vendors serving polish dumplings stuffed with an assortment of fillings including alligator.

The festival runs through Sunday in downtown Whiting.

Wonder if there are Plumbers Pole Vaulting with copper pipe?

That’s it: I’m orf to tap into my brain

And today’s thought:  The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.

 Angus

Fast Nuns, Big Fish, Bored Brits, Noisy Gooseberries and Brothels

Feeling a bit more “normal” now, so:


First up:

Over the limit

Three Nuns who hurried towards Pope Benedict XVI's holiday home after learning that he had suffered a minor accident were stopped by police for speeding at 120mph.

Sister Tavoletta, 56, was at the wheel of the Ford Fiesta, and two other unnamed nuns, aged 65 and 78, were passengers when police pulled them over.

When stunned officers asked why they were speeding, Sister Tavoletta said: "We had heard how the Pope had fallen over and we were on our way to make sure he was OK."

A spokesman for Turin's police, said: "Hopefully Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving the next she goes to confession. But in the meantime, she will have to pay the Euros 375 fine (£325)."

But Sister Tavoletta, who also lost her driving licence for a month, has not meekly accepted this rebuke. Instead, she will appeal against the fine with the aid of Italy's best known lawyer in driving cases, Anna Orecchioni.


Expecting divine intervention eh?

Be careful what you wish for

Dorset chefs who ordered a large halibut from a fishmongers were stunned when a monster halibut weighing a 22 stones was delivered.

It took five grown men to lift the enormous catch onto the table and then an entire day to chop it into 600 portions.

The giant halibut was ordered by cooks at the Bull Hotel in Bridport, Dorset and cost £1,326.
Weighing in at 309lbs - 140kg - the 10ft long halibut was trawled from the bottom of the North Sea.

Hotel owner Richard Cooper, 45, said they had intended to order a big halibut to coincide with a local seafood festival.

"We served it grilled or fried wrapped in pancetta. We even dished up some of it with chips."

He said: "Our chefs ordered a large halibut in preparation for the festival, but they weren't expecting anything quite like this.

Shaun Buller who owns the fishmongers, said it was by far the biggest fish he had ever dealt with.

He said: "It was a one-off buy. I was just curious to see what a fish that big looked like and how we could use it.

"We didn't want to make any profit from buying it and selling it on, it was interesting enough for us already.

"I've never dealt with a fish that size - it's a monster catch and a real novelty for us.

"It could definitely serve at least 600 people when it's cut up so it's great value for money.


You wouldn’t want one of those fish bones stuck in your throat.

Bored Brits

It seems that the average Briton will spend more than two years of their lives bored to tears, a study has shown.

Experts found the typical adult will waste almost six hours a week feeling completely and utterly bored with life.

It is the equivalent of 13 days a year, or 786.5 days over the average adult lifetime of 60.5 years.
The main reason for the boredom was 'having no money'.

"This survey is quite depressing, as it shows that most people are dissatisfied with the humdrum of daily life," said Scott O'Donnell of www.triviala.com, which commissioned the survey.

"It comes as no surprise to learn that a percentage of us are bored with work at times, and deciding what to eat on a daily basis can be tedious.

They do however try to cheer us up:

"But it's easy to avoid the dullness of television adverts, Big Brother and reality television as there are other simpler ways to enjoy life."

The study also revealed 55 per cent of us are bored of having to watch the pennies and budget to get through the month.

Another 47 per cent of people said they quickly became bored waiting in queues for people to serve them and 45 per cent said listening to people whine about feeling ill bored them.

Other things which bore people include reality television, work, their social life and eating the same food day in and day out.

Also on the list of top 50 things which bore people on a daily basis were feeling ill and golf on television.

Thirty eight per cent of Brits said they were bored of MP's claiming dodgy expenses and 32 per cent said they became impatient listening to hold music when phoning the bank.

Traffic and congestion was the biggest bore for 32 per cent, whilst 13 per cent were bored of taking the same journey to work everyday.

More than one in 10 people are fed up with their wardrobe of clothes, and wish they could have a makeover.

Whilst dieting proves tedious for 17 per cent of people.

Other 'bores' include sex life, waiting for nails to dry, worrying about job security, going to the gym, losing the football and waiting for a baby to be born.

Scott O'Donnell added: "Seven out of 10 people polled admit they log onto the internet when they are feeling bored and this can be a great way to keep the mind occupied."

The poll also reveals 3 o'clock in the afternoon as the time we are most likely to feel bored.

Top 5 things which make us bored:

1. Having no money
2. Waiting in queues
3. Hearing people whining about feeling ill
4. Waiting for internet pages to load
5. Being ill

And for most people, after logging onto the internet to alleviate their boredom, 51 per cent watch TV and 47 per cent eat.


So why am I bored then?

Jobsworths strike again

The Gooseberry Pie Fair in Galmpton, Devon, which has its origins recorded in an old rhyme - "In eighteen hundred and seventy three, the people of Galmpton did agree, to hold a Gooseberry Pie fair" lasts from noon to 5pm.

But the organisers have received an official warning after members of the public made complaints about the noise levels at this year's event on July 5.

Dr Martin Ridge, chairman of the fair committee, said the complaint was "ridiculous" and added that the event raised £8,000 for charity.

He said: "It's very disappointing that someone's taken this pot shot. One or two people obviously don't want to enter into the community spirit.

"The fair is held once a year on one afternoon, from noon to 5pm, not in the evening, so how could anyone object to it? It's potty."

Torbay Council's letter to the Gooseberry Pie Fair committee said the department has received complaints from a number of residents about the music causing a disturbance during the event.

It said: "We understand the music was live and amplified. We do not consider this to be incidental music, and therefore this type of entertainment will require a Temporary Event Notice to be submitted in the future.

"Any noise emanating from the premises should not be at a level that causes a nuisance to neighbours or residents.

"Although we will not be taking any further action on this occasion, we hope that this letter clarifies the situation for future events."


Is that where Victor Meldrew lives?

Be careful when you move house

Street names in some of Britain's most salubrious market towns back to 400-year-old brothels and red light districts, research has found.

Experts have traced the origins of even the most innocuous-sounding road names, such as Finkle - or rather, Fondle - Street.

Dr Nigel Baker, archaeology researcher at the University of Birmingham, found most related to the red light districts and brothels that sprang up in towns such as Worcester, Shrewsbury and Hereford in the 16th Century.

As puritanical protestant beliefs took over in the 16th century, the ruder street names started to disappear. Gloucester saw its former red light district renamed Love Lane, while Hereford's darkest street went from Grope Lane to Jail Street.

Worcester's Grope Lane disappeared entirely when the Technical College was built by the River Severn, while Oxford changed its name to read Magpie Lane.

"The Victorians got rid of a lot of the Grope Lanes around the country, it has only remained in Shrewsbury," Dr Baker said.

"The name is often explained away today because it is a dark street that people have to grope their way along.

In fact, that's nonsense; it is a blatant reference to the sort of activity that went on there.

So; if you are thinking of moving, check out the street name first or you could end up in Crapstone, Ugley, North Piddle, Spanker Lane, Crotch Crescent, Wetwang, Slutshole Lane or Pratts Bottom.


Angus Dei
Piss Poor Mansion
Pokeit lane
Dangly
Bonkingshire

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

TOLERANCE-OR NOT

Before the usual just a personal comment, I watched “Britain’s got talent” for the very first time last night: and no it hasn’t.

I usually avoid this type of program like the porky flu because I find them cringingly embarrassing, and last night did not change my mind at all, and I must admit that I only caught the last fifteen minutes of it, and that was by accident as the cat stood on the remote and changed the channel.

The sight that assaulted my eyes and ears was that of a “fat lady singing” loud enough to shatter the crystal, while next to her on the stage was a strange man making bouquets of flowers, I was so shocked that I continued to watch.

The next and last “act” up was somebody who called himself “Stavros Flattley” or maybe “fatly” who proceeded to astound me with the sight of a “Greek Dance” accompanied by a young lad who apparently was his son.

The routine was mildly amusing, the lad made me titter a bit, but there seemed to be “not a lot” of choreography or indeed cohesion as the two shook it about, Simon Cowell sat there like a Cheshire cat and I thought his face was going to explode, sadly it didn’t.

The general public was then invited to phone in and vote for the “best act” to progress to the final which I hear is on Saturday.

Sorry to all you BGT fans out there but I think I would rather stick chopsticks in my eyes rather than watch another episode of so called talent.

Still Cowell is probably making millions from this, and the “competitors” are having their fifteen minutes of fame, each to his own as the saying goes but definitely not my cup of tea (as the other saying goes).



Rant over now back to it:

How to save the planet unless your neighbours object to the noise, a homeowner has been ordered to switch off his £20,000 wind turbine following complaints from neighbours that it is too loud.

Father-of-three Stephen Munday, 55, erected the 40ft device with planning permission in a paddock behind his home two years ago.

It generates five kilowatts of electricity a day - the equivalent of boiling 300 kettles - and provides two thirds of his energy needs.

The turbine stands in a paddock behind the four-bedroom detached house in Stanford in the

Vale, near Abingdon, West Oxfordshire, which Stephen shares with wife Sandra, a veterinary nurse.

They bought the turbine from renewable energy giant Segen and successfully got planning permission from the Vale of White Horse District Council to erect it after it was initially refused.
After agreeing to erect the turbine 300ft away from the nearest house the Government Planning Inspector allowed it to go ahead on the condition that it did not make more than five decibels of noise above the "prevailing background".

But after it was erected in February 2007 five neighbours complained about the noise and council inspectors carried out 12 noise level tests at the site.

The council admitted the noise fell short of the government limits but still deemed it to constitute a nuisance.

Patrick Legge, team leader of the council's Environmental Protection team, said: "We accept that the noise did not breach the conditions in the planning application but it was decided that the character of the noise was a nuisance.

"There are no strict noise limits but each case is examined by their independent circumstances."
But Michael Stigwood, an independent noise and nuisance advisor to the council, said the noise affected people's ability to "rest and relax".

He told the court: "The noise was continual and I found it to be a nuisance as it is a noise we don't get used to."

So it didn’t breach the noise laws but it was the “character” of the noise that was a nusisance.

You can’t win can you?

The Cheltenham fruit and veg police have ordered John Weston, who has tended his two council owned allotments for twenty years has been evicted because he doen’t grow enough fruit and veg.

The vegetables at Cheltenham Coucil have decreed that 75% of the allotments must be used for the production of potatoes, spinach, onions, lettuces and soft fruits and other relatives.

Mr Weston, from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, admits that his land is not as well-stocked as some other plots, but argues that he uses it as a “rural retreat” where he can relax and enjoy the outdoors.

But the plea fell on deaf ears and Cheltenham Borough Council rejected his explanation, serving him with a notice “to remedy the condition of the plots” at the beginning of April, which complained the the allotment had not been kept “fully cultivated or maintained”.

Six weeks later council officers visited his land and found there had been no improvement, so they issued him with a notice to quit. He must vacate the site by Wednesday May 27.
According to the contract he signed 20 years ago, Mr Weston must keep the land in good condition and allow no more that 25 per cent of it to lie fallow.

But he admits he now only uses around 50 per cent of each plot to grow vegetables and fruits like rhubarb, raspberries and gooseberries.

Mr Weston, who works part-time at a garden centre, said he had received no complaints, but the council disputes this.

They claim to have been in touch with him since November after neighbouring plot-holders contacted them about weeds and debris.

“I go down there regularly and while the land is not covered in rows and rows of vegetables, it is designed as a rural retreat,” said Mr Weston, who is married with no children.

“It might look wild, but it’s got character and it produces enough crops to suit me.”
“I just enjoy pottering about. I sow patches of vegetables and fruits but it’s mostly where I go to relax and be outside.”

Fiona Warin, the council’s allotment officer, said: “We have tried to identify plots that are not being used so that they can be handed on to keen 'gardeners-in-waiting’.

“In the past, when demand for allotments was low, people who did not maintain or use their allotments as intended perhaps avoided attention or enforcement action."

All I can say isBorage

Pig farmers must muff it the Health and Safety Executive has warned that the noise made by pigs during mealtimes can reach more than 100 decibels, louder than a chainsaw or powerdrill.

It has produced a leaflet advising farmers to either wear ear protection, or go nowhere near them while they are eating.

"Large numbers of pigs in a building can create noise levels of 100 decibels or above, especially at feeding time," according to the leaflet, entitled Farmwise – An Essential Guide to Health and Safety in Farming.

Even short-term exposure can be harmful, particularly if workers are exposed to other sources of noise during the day.

"Use mechanical or automated feeding systems to reduce the need to enter the building when it is noisiest, e.g. at feeding time.”

"Make sure any work requiring entry is done during quieter periods."

Employers are legally obliged to ensure their workers are protected from noise levels once they reach 80 decibels, equivalent to the noise inside a tractor cab.

More than one in five farm workers are being exposed to deafening levels, according to the HSE.

And it seems that one hundred in one hundred people are exposed to the anal rules by the HSE.

Mooning "nuns" walk away Seventeen British men stood trial dressed in nun's habits on the Greek island of Crete for flashing their bottoms in public, but walked free after no one showed up to testify their behaviour was offensive.

Police said they had arrested the 17 men, aged between 18 and 65, early on Sunday at the popular resort of Malia and a prosecutor charged them with exposing themselves in public and offending religious symbols.

"They were dressed like nuns, carrying crosses, but wearing thongs under their skirts and showing people their bottoms and the rest," said a police official.

Apprehended in the early hours of Sunday, the men were taken into custody and appeared in court on Monday in the same clothes they were wearing at the time of their arrest.

But the court in the town of Iraklio ruled them innocent after no witness appeared to testify against them, the police official said.


Makes you proud doesn’t it?

And finally:

Weary locals scratch Butt Hole Road • The Register Residents of Butt Hole Road in Conisbrough, South Yorks, are hoping that 300 quid will put an end to the pilgrimage which has seen sniggering crowds flock to the internationally-famous road sign, including Yanks in search of a Beavis and Butt-Head moment:

According to the Sun, the four families living on the road stumped up the cash to change the name to Archer Way, having grown weary of years of Butt Hole quips, "pranksters baring their backsides for cheeky photographs" and coachloads of tourists dropping by for a photo opportunity.

Taxi driver Peter Sutton, who has enjoyed six years on Butt Hole Road, admitted he initially thought the address "would be fun", but the novelty soon wore off. As well as the inevitable smart-arsed comments, residents had to endure Butt Hole fans swiping the signage and delivery firms refusing to believe the place existed.

The original name is apparently in honour of a communal water butt which once occupied the site. The new moniker was selected "as the road is just half a mile from a 930-year-old castle".

Personally I don’t see a problem, I have lived in crap house lane for tweny years and no body takes the piss.


“A thick skin is a gift from God.”-Konrad Adenauer

Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS The Other Side