Second best Blighty: It’s a Pigs Life: Aunties Elfandsafety: and the Aryayek Time Travelling Machine.

Many, many drops of skywater, nary a wheeze of atmospheric movement, quite a lot of lack of cold and not a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, even more interweb robots to avoid and according to the “price check” thingy I managed to save 1p over the other places I could have gorn to spend my dosh.

Woke up this morn with a really, really big Quasi, don’t know why I think it must be the loss of the rusty old bag taking its toll.

 

I see that the “debate” over the old handbag is continuing

 

Pic from Funny Pictures

And after almost two days, endless bleedin hours of mas-terbate in the arse of Commons and seven hundred “news” items the old fart will be planted next Wednesday after being dragged through the Smoke on a (part time) gun carriage.

Of course the Millionaires Club Sideboard won’t tell us how much we are going to fork out for the forking waste of time and money because as usual they don’t have a clue.

 

Roll on next Thursday....

 

 

According to U.S. “Economists”

Britain has been ranked as the second most advanced country in the world in a new measure designed to rival GDP.

And the UK outstrips the United States, Germany, France and Japan for overall progress in living standards, infrastructure and individual opportunity.

Only Sweden scores more highly overall in the new “Social Progress Index” (SPI), which ranks 50 leading countries by combining figures on everything from health and crime to broadband access and freedom of speech.

According to the authors, Britain’s constant efforts to “straddle” Europe and America have made it one if the best places to live in the world overall.

 

Oh har-fucking-har, you can tell they don’t live here....

 

West to the home of economists and the land of this little piggy

A pig pardoned by the Piggly Wiggly grocery chain and sent to a farm to live out the rest of its life has been shot to death after it escaped from its pen in Charleston County.

Deputies said the 700-pound pig named Maggie was killed Tuesday afternoon by a 26-year-old man, who told investigators he was afraid the pig was going to cause a wreck.

But witnesses told deputies the man said he was going to kill the pig and take it to a local butcher, then went home to get a pistol. They also told investigators the man appeared to be trying to load the dead animal into his vehicle before more people arrived.

Deputies wrote a citation for malicious injury to animals that carries a $1,092 fine.

 

“Malicious injury”, a bit of an understatement methinks...

 

Back in second best Blighty and to wherever Auntie is nowadays,

Allegedly BBC workers are fuming after being told they are not allowed to pick up hot sausages with tongs or make their own toast – in case they burn themselves.

The BBC Club, set up as a private-members group for employees in 1924, was put in charge of the Beeb canteen on April 2.

But just a week later, staff at the Media Centre in White City, West London, are complaining at the “health and safety crackdown” that means they cannot pick up sausages – even with tongs.

BBC bosses defended the apparently new restrictions, claiming that such actions had “never” been allowed.

Which does explain a lot....

 

And finally:

 

East to one of the “troubled” countries

Apparently Ali Razeghi, a Tehran scientist has registered "The Aryayek Time Travelling Machine" with the state-run Centre for Strategic Inventions.

The device can predict the future in a print out after taking readings from the touch of a user, he told the Fars state news agency.

Razeghi, 27, said the device worked by a set of complex algorithms to "predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy".

According to the “scientist” "My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future it will bring the future to you."

Razeghi says Iran's government can predict the possibility of a military confrontation with a foreign country, and forecast the fluctuation in the value of foreign currencies and oil prices by using his new invention.

 

Not working that well is it Razeghi; back to the drawing board: but you probably know that already.....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to edit some Google maps

 

And today’s thought:

This tinnitus is giving me the hump

 

Angus

Thar’s gold in the FSA: Spent Justice: ASDA cheap and cheerful-not: The Face Slimmer: The Gadabout TM 1050: and where to send your nipples to recover.

Cold enough to freeze the monkey orf its brass balls at the Castle this morn, his Maj managed to go out, do his business and get back in within a minute, the butler has changed the furnace fuel to fat, drunk teenagers because they burn for longer and the mock orange is still in place despite reaching plan “F”.

The Francaise malaise has progressed to the point where I am coughing up snails and have a permanent baguette, and today is the first time I haven’t had to go out somewhere.

Somewhere in the murky depths of the world of money

Allegedly the Financial Services Authority will cost an extra £78million next year, the 15.6% rise, three times the rate of inflation and will take the cost of running the Financial Services Authority from £500million to £578.4million.

This is despite the regulator, which employs 4,000 staff, failing to prevent the crises at Royal Bank of Scotland, Northern Rock and Halifax Bank of Scotland.

Combined with the cost of running three other bodies designed to protect customers, the total bill will rise by £121million to £1.2billion in the 12 months from April.

This is levied on the financial industry but experts warned last night that much of the extra cost will be passed on to consumers through higher fees

Thanks Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

And apparently Old Fart Ken Clarke

Has come up with yet another punning clan to allow killers, rapists, burglars and muggers to enter the job market.

The periods after which convicted criminals no longer have to declare their past offending are to be significantly cut in plans outlined by Kenneth Clarke, the Justice Secretary yesterday.

It will mean some rapists and killers who would normally have had a permanent record will now have it cleared after seven years at the most and possibly as low as two years.

Thousands of burglars and muggers will have their records cleared after as little as a year.

The changes centre on the 1974 Rehabilitation of Offenders Act which dictates when a conviction is “spent” and has a sliding timescale depending on the seriousness of the crime.

A “spent” conviction is when the offender no longer has to declare it on occasions such as a job application, insurance forms or visa requests.

Some periods have been cut by four fifths while others that would never have been spent now will be.

The reform means some serious sex and violent offenders could get jobs with the public without having to declare their past or a burglar could work as a plumber or gardener just a year after being punished and not own up.

However, the rules do not apply to those working with children, vulnerable adults or in other sensitive positions which require a formal background check from the Criminal Records Bureau.

Those disclosures reveal all past convictions regardless of whether they are spent or not.

The planned changes have now been added to the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Bill, which is currently going through parliament.

Thanks again Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

Meanwhile with Valentine’s Day fast approaching

ASDA has come up with an “economy” card to send to a fancied one at the cost of 7p,  For just £1, a thrifty card-giver could buy one each for 14 different Valentine’s - and still have 2p change rattling in their pocket.

The supermarket chain even throws in a red envelope.

Featuring the supermarket’s “smart price” logo, the recession-busting card contains the cheeky message: “My love for you is priceless.”

Dead meat.....

East to the place where radiation is obviously affecting some people’s brains

The latest anti ageing gizmo is the Face Slimmer, a rubbery (not a lovely) thing that looks a lot like the mouth of a blow-up doll, and it supposedly solves your sagging face problem while giving you that coveted duck-face look.

Good luck with that-whatever the mouth of a blow up doll looks like...

DIY Time

Ever wanted to be in two places at once, now you can- the Cudworth-Hooper Gadabout TM 1050 is just the thing for you, a “lite-vacuum” time machine that’s economic, energy-efficient, and space-saving. It has “fully automatic space-time configurations and patented Chrono-matic Accuracy,” and is just the thing for short trips through time.

Even though the Gadabout makes time travel simple, there are still dangers involved if you operate the Gadabout improperly, so you’ll want to pay close attention to the red-bordered safety instructions. There are some of the expected warnings, like “do not immerse time machine in water” or “always turn off time machine before any maintenance or repair.” But there are many other warnings that you might not be aware of:

Do not go back in time and attempt to claim invention of time machine.

Do not connect your household vacuum to time machine.

Do not use time machine to determine ovo/Gallus domesticus order.

Do not use time machine as a hot tub.

Do not use time machine as a replacement for a moral compass.

The manual points out the useful features of the Gadabout TM 1050, like the cigar lighter, ice dispenser, and adjustable seat backs. (Ice build-up is a natural consequence of the functioning of the gravitational singularity, so Cudworth-Hooper decided to incorporate that into an ice dispenser which you can use to freshen up your passengers’ drinks.) The troubleshooting section covers what to do if you discover two of yourself when you arrive at a destination, accidentally kill your grandfather, or get stuck in a time loop. However, you’ll want to pay close attention to instructions about checking the battery charge, because there doesn’t seem to be any solution for failure of the dimensional collapse. (Recommended action: “exit the Gadabout immediately and seek shelter. If possible, communicate any final messages to loved ones.”)

So get on line and place your order for the DIY manual, a snip at $44.95 (or even cheaper if you pop back to 1953 when it was first printed) and find out if Time Travel is a breeze...but don’t forget to take your left handed smoke shifter with you.

And finally: 

Sore nipples? Send them here.

That’s it: I’m orf to collect all the moss in the garden just in case...

And today’s thought:

Angus

Hello sailor: Stilton-not: No tomorrow: Brooming Bethlehem: and the Ball biter.

Cold, calm and decidedly non Crimbo at the Castle this morn, the new front toof is back in place anchored with what feels like a scaffold pole driven through the top of my skull, I am back to the un connected computers in the study and his Maj needs a new bed.

Dahn Unda

The Royal Australian Navy has sent a delegation to Britain to recruit some of the 5,000 Royal Navy personnel due to lose their jobs over the next four years.

It is understood that the Australian navy wants to speak directly to sailors facing redundancy to offer them “career transition options”.

Australia’s Chief of Navy, Vice Admiral Ray Griggs, promised his British counterpart, First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, that Australia will not recruit personnel needed by the British.

Royal Navy officers are said to have told the Australians they were “very comfortable” with the plan.

Goodbye sailor....

Back in Blighty

Villagers in Stilton are a bit more than miffed after an unusual law upheld by the Department for Food, Environment and Rural Affairs prevents them from naming their cheese after their home town.

The Stilton Cheese Makers Association has been fighting against the 1996 Protected Designation of Origin order, which has prevented Stilton cheese from being officially named so, outside of Leicester, Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire.

Liam McGivern, the landlord of the Bell Inn pub, said he is upset by Defra's decision to let him make the cheese but not give it the Stilton name.

'Anyone can make the cheese but they won't let us call it Stilton,' Mr McGivern said.

In the 18th century, the Bell Inn's pub owner was said to be the first to market the cheese,

Now, by law, the establishment must sell the cheese as 'blue-veined cheese made in Stilton'. Mr McGivern markets the cheese as 'Bell Blue'.

Smells a bit fishy to me.....

Shifting Samoa

Along with tiny Tokelau to the north the inhabitants of Samoa are going from midnight tonight straight to New Year's Eve.

After 119 years to the east of the International Date Line, Samoa is shifting to the west so they can be on the same calendar day as their main economic partners, Australia and New Zealand.

When Samoa went the other way in 1892, because most of its trade had shifted from Sydney to San Francisco, writer Robert Louis Stevenson was living there.

Wonder if we could “shift” Blighty about two thousand miles south, that’ll piss orf the “energy providers”.

Over to the “village” where peace on Earth began

The annual broom battle took place again this Crimbo: Palestinian police stormed the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem after rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics clashed in a row over the boundaries of their respective ancient jurisdictions inside the church.

Armed with brooms, around 100 priests and monks came to blows during the cleaning of the church in preparation for Orthodox Christmas celebrations.

Nice to see that JC’s mantra is working so well....

And finally: 

To the place where you wouldn’t want to have a dip in a river

Jeremy Wade, 53, spent weeks hunting for the perpetrator in remote Papua New Guinea after locals reported a mysterious beast which was castrating young fishermen.

He finally unmasked the monster as the Pacu fish - known locally as ‘The Ball Cutter’ - and managed to catch one in his small wooden fishing boat.

Mr Wade wrestled the 40lb monster on to the floor of his boat and opened its snapping jaws with his naked hands - to discover a jaw-dropping array of human-style teeth.

The Ball Cutter boasts an impressive set of man-like molars, which tear off the testicles of unwitting hunters, leaving them to bleed to death.

Pacu fish are usually found in the Amazon, where they need their teeth to crack into the tough cases of nuts and seeds.

The previously vegetarian fish were introduced to Papua New Guinea 15 years ago to increase stocks.

They quickly used their special technique to chomp meat due to a lack of suitable vegetation in the waters - making short work of human testicles.

Brings tears to one’s eyes...

That’s it: I’m orf to hack a chuff-chuff 

And today’s thought:

Angus

Silly Billy stays: Cleggie holds his nerve: Millionaires’ Fantasies: Aerosol clouds and carbon dioxide: Science fiction?: Big Johnny: Moving house: and Nine keys on my ring.

Fahrenheit challenged at the Castle this morn. Friday has finally arrived, which doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to those with cocked up computers, who seem to think that the weekend is the best time to bring round their terminally ill contraptions.

So here is a little tune for those who have a lack of computer terms.

And the wobbly Weebly site  which did fall down will be consigned to that great recycle bin in the sky at midday today.

Silly Billy Hague it seems (allegedly) has decided that he will not resign, and has pledged to remain at the Foreign Office as he oversees Britain's response to "historic times" in the Middle East and North Africa.

The foreign secretary had faced speculation that he might quit after enduring a torrid time in recent weeks. Bookmakers William Hill cut the odds of him losing his job by the end of March from 33/1 to 20/1.

Yesterday he was forced to explain to the Commons how an SAS mission into eastern Libya had gone horribly wrong, after seven personnel were arrested and detained by rebel forces.

That came just a fortnight after the difficulties of evacuating British citizens from Libya, which forced both Mr Hague and Piss Poor Policies David Cameron to apologise and announce an internal review.

Mr Hague made clear he had no intention of quitting during a joint press conference with Palestinian Authority president Mahmoud Abbas this afternoon.

Har-Har.

Meanwhile Piss Poor Policies Dave C’s second missus and part time politician Nicky (U-turn)  Clegg has urged Lib Dem activists to "keep their nerves" and recognise their achievements in office as they prepare for their spring conference.

On the eve of the event in Sheffield, the Lib Dem leader acknowledged the party was "facing a difficult time" amid criticism of its U-turn on tuition fees and reversals in by-elections.

He told the Independent the party was doing "the right things in government".

Protests against spending cuts are due to take place in the city on Friday.

Organisers say 10,000 will take part in a demonstration in Sheffield - the city in which Mr Clegg's constituency lies - and reports have suggested the cost of policing the conference will be more than £2m.

Har-bloody-har.

 

What the rich need

The world’s wealthiest tourists are to be targeted in a new multi-million pound marketing campaign urging them to embark on luxury holidays to Britain’s vast array of castles, stately homes and attractions.

Visitors with more than $1 million (£640,000) in “spare cash” are to be persuaded to take “fairytale” holidays to help kick start the ailing economy.

Tourism chiefs say the new £10 million campaign, to be launched later in the spring, will showcase attractions that portray "a magical side of Britain”.

Drawing on the country’s history of aristocracy and magnificent array of stately homes, the new marketing drive will focus on “refined, exclusive and sophisticated rather than the decadent and ostentatious”.

The campaign, from VisitBritain, the Government-funded tourism agency, comes amid a surge in the number of wealthy tourists visiting Britain.

Despite the recession, the number of “rich” tourists travelling throughout the country increased last year by almost a fifth, to 10 million visitors.

That’ll cheer up all the families that won’t even be able to afford to go to Butlins this year. I must remember to put the “No Vacancies” sign up on the portcullis.

 

Some “interesting” information

A team of scientists from four countries have set out on a seafaring expedition to discover what colour the Atlantic Ocean is.

They want to discover the impact of hazy clouds of aerosol particles hanging above the water on algae that are the basis of the marine food chain.

Around a third of the carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere by human activities is absorbed by microscopic algae in the sea.

This process gives the waters a greenish hue as algae blooms close to the surface flourish.

But satellite images in recent years have shown large aerosol clouds forming above the oceans, particularly in the southern part of the Atlantic.

They increase the amount of the sun's rays reflected away from the sea, reducing the amount of algae and therefore lessening the water's greenish hue.

The team hope to gain more accurate measurements of what is happening than those taken from satellites that may be distorted by strong winds or waves.

Milton Kampel, the National Institute for Space Research (INPE) in Brazil, said: "[The satellite] concentrations have not yet been confirmed with field data. We need to see, for example, this is not an effect caused by breaking waves at sea."

They are also taking water samples to study the effect on algae.

The Melville left Cape Town in late February and is scheduled to arrive in Valparaiso, Chile, next week.

Apparently there is a cloud of aerosol particles inside the Palace of Westminster: sorry that should read “crowd of arseholes in Parliament”.

 

Back on dry land in Blighty

A new survey has found that almost one third of UK adults consider time travel to be possible.

Over a fifth of adults believe light sabres are real, while almost half are convinced that hover boards actually exist.

The results were revealed in research launched to mark the start of National Science and Engineering Week, which runs until 20 March.

Other surprising statistics include the suggestion that nearly a quarter of adults think that human beings can be teleported, while almost one fifth wrongly believe they can see gravity.

Over three-quarters of Britons believe that invisibility cloaks exist only in fiction. Yet a team at the University of Birmingham, led by Professor Shuang Zhang, has developed a method for making objects appear invisible.

Nearly nine out of ten people think it would be impossible to grow an extra pair of eyes. However scientists at the University of Warwick have found this is possible in frogs, and believes they will eventually be able to use technology to grow an "eye in a dish".

No wonder we are so deep in the shite: can an object “appear” invisible?

 

Right a bit to Hitler’s favourite country

Fans of the inventor of the modern day condom have outraged his home town by celebrating his birthday with a giant sheath over the town's biggest fountain.

The gushing tribute to Julius Fromm in Konin, Poland, has angered Town Hall officials who declared it "inappropriate."

Fromm - who settled in Berlin - invented the first seamless latex condom in 1916 but lost control of his creation when he was forced to sell it to Nazi Party leaders for a pittance under anti-Jewish business laws.

He died virtually penniless in Britain in 1945.

A spokesman for the inventors' supporters - who call themselves Akcja Konin - explained: 'The town should be proud that one of their own created something that has lead to so much pleasure and is still contributing to world health.'

Is it me, or is that fountain a giant todger?

 

Right even more

A Malaysian landlord was shocked to find his double-storey wooden house missing while making his rent call, local daily The Star reports.

Zuria Ali, 30, said he was greeted by the sight of scattered wood, a damaged television set and twenty-four concrete pillar holders when he went to the site of his house in Malaysia's northern Perlis state bordering Thailand.

"I had heard that my house had vanished and was curious to find out the truth," Mr Zuria was quoted as saying by the newspaper.

He lost his furniture, cutlery, cupboards, a dining table and a refrigerator and estimated his losses to be about 30,000 ringgit ($10,000).

Zuria's neighbour, Ah Kiung, said he saw three men and a trailer arriving at the house last month.

"I thought the three were carrying out the dismantling work on instructions from the landlord," Ah Kiung said.

"I did not suspect anything until he (Zuria) asked me about it."

Police confirmed receiving a report about the "missing" house, the newspaper said.

What a moving story…..
 

And finally:

The average Briton has nine keys on their key ring – and no idea what at least two of them are for, according to a study.

This suggests that there are more than 100million "mystery keys" in the country, weighing more than 1,000 tons.

The poll, by Esure insurance, found that the average woman owned 10 keys but didn't know what two of them did.

Men own an average of eight, but again the purpose of two of these is unknown.

The research also found that, while the average bunch comprises nine keys, more than a quarter of those polled owned between 10 and 15 different keys, with a further nine per cent of people possessing 21 or more separate keys.

The poll also found that one in five homes had a key hidden within 10 feet of the front door, with the most common hiding place a garden rock, followed by plant pots and door mats.

One in 10 respondents did not bother to change locks after losing a set of keys, and two thirds left a set of keys with neighbours, family or friends.

The over–55s are the most trusting, and frequently leave keys with others, while a third of under–25s said they had never done so.

I must check my ring to see what is hanging from it.

The picture? I’m sure one of them has a bunch of keys-somewhere.

That’s it: no ladies sauntering, but I could be persuaded to reinstate the item if there is enough interest, but in the meantime I’m orf to claim my renewable heating scheme subsidy.

And today’s thought: Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Angus