Apprentice lawyers: Social tariffs: Human right to beg: Pussy pulse prosthetic: Suck my shoes: Crisp and expensive: and BIG Wombats.

Still chucking it dahn at the Castle this morn, loads of atmospheric movement and the liquid metal in the gauge is curled up in the bulb shivering.

I see that three core Cable reckons that we need more pilots and lawyers

And has funded 4,230 placements in the second round of the £25m higher apprenticeships initiative.

According to the “Business Secretary” they would help sectors tackle skills shortages and boost participation by under-represented groups like women.

Employers such as British Airways, Siemens, Price Waterhouse Cooper, Unilever and the UK Space Agency are involved in the scheme.

Participants are able to pursue degree-level study while getting paid.

Allegedly it is estimated that between now and 2030 European airlines will need to recruit 92,500 new pilots, 96,300 engineers and him/her upstairs knows how many Lawyers and accountants.

So why aren’t British Airways, Siemens, Price Waterhouse Cooper, Unilever and the UK Space Agency paying the bleedin bill instead of us?

And the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is issuing “guidance” to Water companies in England and Wales to allow them to charge lower prices for the poorest customers.

It seems that Ministers want to see "social tariffs" based on ability to pay, as part of a broader drive to reduce utility bills.

An estimated 2.4 million households have trouble paying their water bills, which cost an average of £376 a year.

Water companies will be asked to select the customers who are most at risk and offer them a discount.

They are currently bound by regulator Ofwat's licensing conditions which means they cannot cut bills without contravening the law.

Deputy Prime Monster what’s his name said: "If you're struggling to make ends meet, not paying for essential utilities isn't an option but it can mean making tough choices elsewhere; like sacrificing healthy meals for the family or new school books.

"We've already announced tough new measures to see gas and electric bills fall by up to £100 a year. This will see struggling families save more.

And the but is- BBC environment analyst Roger Harrabin said it was not yet clear whether companies would be compelled to reduce tariffs but it might suit some firms to do so.

He said reducing the charges for the poorest would take some of the political heat over raising bills for others to pay for the infrastructure that is needed to ensure areas avoid repeatedly lurching into emergency measures to combat drought.

So we have foreign owners of our water who purchased the companies for sod all, get their product for free, use delivery systems that already existed and pay their bosses millions in salaries and bonuses “thinking” about reducing prices for the poorest...Hmmm, still we are all in this together...

Right a bit to Strasbourg

Allegedly Blighty may give millions more pounds to the controversial European Court of Human Rights, despite the Government’s promise to rein it in.

The Strasbourg court is asking countries to give it extra money in an attempt to deal with a backlog of 150,000 cases.

We already pay £20million a year to the Council of Europe, which is responsible for the court, but the PPPMCC is considering increasing this sum,

The request for more money has come just two months after ministers claimed to have secured lasting reform of the court at a summit in Brighton.

An estimated 800million people across the continent have the right to bring cases to the ECHR if they feel their basic rights have been breached by their governments.

As a result, there is now a backlog of more than 150,000 cases still waiting to be looked at, many involving Eastern European countries that have failed to tackle earlier breaches.

The Foreign Office declined to comment on whether or not Britain would contribute to the new fund.

A spokesman said: "We support the setting up of this fund, but have not made any decision on whether we will contribute to it. At present the UK is one of the five major contributors to the Council of Europe, contributing 12 per cent of its annual budget, which includes the Court."

If they do cough up I think I will apply to the ECHR for a ruling....

East oodles of metric miles

In the land where radiation has had no effect whatsoever, Nico Nico Douga has invented a pussy tail that wags when it detects excitement in its user. Made from a robotic arm covered in fur that is connected to a pulse sensor using an AVR microcontroller, which is attached to a clothespin that will be clipped on the owner’s earlobe, the users pulse rate is translated into tail wags. As the owner’s BPM rate goes higher, the tail moves more rapidly.

 

Spiffing….

And still in the land of the rising mushroom cloud

Paionia Furyokuki’s doormat is like a vacuum cleaner for your shoes. As your body weight depresses the knobs on the surface, suction from the air pump pulls away dirt on the bottom of your shoes. They’re on sale in Japan for $6,250.

I think I prefer my old coconut mat...

Back in wet, wet, wet Blighty and Norf of the border

Rugby reporter Bill Lothian wanted a packet of crisps to munch with his pint and was charged £1.35 for the privilege at the Golf Tavern in Bruntsfield, Edinburgh.

But apparently that isn’t expensive, at some city bars it will cost you £1.50, although elsewhere in the Capital, standard bags of crisps including Walkers and Golden Wonder could be purchased for just 60p. Charlie Russell, owner of Bennets Bar in Tollcross, where bags of Walkers are available for 70p, said: “We sell our crisps for the same price you could buy them down the shop – we’re not looking to make a profit on them.

 You pays your money and nips in Tesco on the way home...

 

And finally: 

Dahn Unda

In the outback in Queensland scientists have discovered what could be up to 50 Diprotodon skeletons dating back 100,000 and 200,000 years.

Lead scientist on the dig, Scott Hocknall from the Queensland Museum in Brisbane, said one of the specimens, called Kenny, was one of the largest Diprotodon he had ever seen.

Kenny's jawbone alone is 70cm (28 inches) long.

Pigeon-toed and with a backward-facing pouch large enough to carry an adult human, Mr Hocknull likened a Diprotodon to "a cross between a wombat and a bear but the size of a rhinoceros".

The mega-wombats could weigh up to 2.3 tonnes

The discovery could hold important clues on how the mega-wombats lived and what caused them to die out.

They probably went extinct because they kept falling through the ceilings of pre historic bungalow dwellers...

That’s it: I’m orf to mix up some magnetic emulsions

And today’s thought:

Does my bum look big in this Olympics

Angus

Do as I say-three core: Snowball’s chance: Law flaws: Towns for sale: and I don’t have a wooden car.

Damp, dingy and dismal at the Castle this morn, no post yesterday, the interweb thingy went tits up-not sure why, it could have been my “internet provider” or it could have been the sky water getting into the underground cables.

And by the time it came back on at around 9 of the pm I couldn’t be arsed to put digit to keyboard.

Three Core Cable has bored us all with his whingeing about the lack of apprenticeships

But it seems that the old fart has been accused of failing to “practise what he preaches” after it emerged his own department has stopped offering apprenticeships.

After claiming to be “very proud” of the Government’s commitment to funding apprenticeships at a time when budgets are tight, it turns out that his own Department for Business, Innovation and Skills is no longer taking on new candidates on its own apprentice programme because of the spending cuts.

Figures show the department had 30 apprentices just before the Coalition came to power.

However, this more than halved to 14 over the course of last year and there will be between six and 10 remaining from this year.

Useless tosspot...

Up Norf a bit

Frightened postal workers have been banned from delivering letters to one notoriously hazardous address after being repeatedly 'attacked' by a three-year-old cat called Snowball.

Following a thorough investigation the Royal Mail has stopped its workers from delivering mail to the address after labelling the black and white moggy a 'health and safety risk'.

Despite being described as 'absolutely harmless' by owner Ian Wilkinson, the UK's postal service said Snowball posed an 'unacceptably high level of risk'.

Royal Mail said three employees suffered 'quite deep cuts' after all being attacked by the 10inch tall feline.

Mr Wilkinson, 46, said he was shocked when he received a letter from Royal Mail saying its workers would no longer be delivering mail to his home in Peterborough, Cambridgeshire.

Royal Mail has insisted Mr Wilkinson will not receive any mail until an 'alternative safe delivery point' has been put in place.

A spokesman added: 'There are around 4,000 animal attacks a year on Royal Mail people.

'These attacks cause great distress and in too many cases serious injuries.'

Pussy Post persons....

All over backward Blighty

Hundreds of obscure laws which date back as far as the 14th century should be swept away in a bid to clear up the statute book, it has been claimed.

A joint report by the Law Commission for England and Wales and Scottish Law Commission said there are as many as 817 entire acts and sections of a further 50 that need repealed.

The oldest, dating from around 1322, regulated how animals should be taken to pay the king’s debts, including details on how they should be fed, cared for and sold, and what livestock should be exempt.

The most recent provision recommended for the scrapheap in the 19th Statute Law (Repeals) Bill is a tax provision from 2010.

Examples of redundant laws applied to Scotland include 16 acts passed between 1798 and 1828 to tax pints of ale, beer or bitter to raise funds for public works.

Or you could have-The abolition of imprisonment for debt brought about by the Debtors Act 1869, further 16 old enactments which were passed between 1798 and 1828 to tax pints of ale, beer or bitter brewed or sold in certain parts of Scotland in order to raise funds for building roads should also be scrapped, the report said.

* An 1800 Act to hold a lottery to win the £30,000 Pigot Diamond after its owners failed to sell it because its value, "the equal of any known diamond in Europe", was too great;

* Some 40 Acts relating to the City of Dublin and passed by Parliament before Ireland was partitioned in 1921;

* A 1696 Act to fund the rebuilding of St Paul's Cathedral after the Great Fire of 1666;

* A 1710 Act to raise coal duty to pay for 50 new churches in London;

* A total of 38 obsolete Acts relating to railway companies operating in British India and the wider East Indies.

Or even:

Wearing armour in Parliament.

Keeping a whale from the King

Beating a carpet in London

Hanging your washing across the street

Minding a cow while drunk

Firing a cannon near a house

Starting but not finishing a railway

Running a farm on your doorstep

Eating the Queen’s Swans

One they should keep is: Knocking and running (knock dahn Ginger) 

And one they should lose is the 1799 income tax rip orf introduced as a means of paying for the war against the French forces under Napoleon.

Because I think that conflict is just about over now...

Over to the land of the Zip code and the home of empty towns

Buford, Wyoming, the nation's smallest town, will lose its long-time - and only - resident on Thursday when the outpost along Interstate 80 is auctioned off to the highest bidder.

The minimum bid for Buford, 10-plus acres with a convenience store-cum-gas station situated between the capital city of Cheyenne and Laramie, Wyoming, is $100,000 for a sale to take place in town at noon local time.

Buford is one of two tiny Western towns to be sold by owners whose spouses have died and whose adult children have moved on.

Pray, Montana, population 8, is on the market for $1.4 million, a price realtors say is a steal for property just north of Yellowstone National Park in the scenic Paradise Valley.

Both communities sprang to life amid Western settlement in the late 19th and early 20th centuries when railroads brought people, supplies and prosperity to frontier towns, some of which failed to flourish despite hype by land speculators.

At least there won’t be any problems with neighbours....

And finally:

Right to the land of BMW boxes

A wooden 1955 Mercedes Benz 300SL Gullwing classic car has sold for £5,000 on eBay, Hand-carved from wood and listed as being on sale in the German city of Duisberg, the 1:1 scale replica comes with front wheels that actually steer, The seats also look to be authentic and in keeping with the original car’s style.

The dashboard and interior also appear to be very detailed

No MOT needed, but a woodworm check every couple of years would be advisable...

That’s it: I’m orf to print a couple of robots

And today’s thought:

Magic...

Angus

Boris lets rip: McApprenticeships: Big banana de-daw: How big is the Universe and everything?: We are all doomed!: and Home to a TV relay mast.

Warm, wet and wibbly at the Castle this morn, I carried out yet more vandalism on the mock orange yestermorn with my giant “pruners”-it’s still there.

The Fallic Glu has returned with a vengeance-I have this urge to change my francs for Euros.

And after a trip to Tesco for stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food I am going back to the four poster.

According to Boris

The loony Left had reached rock bottom, there are so-called socialists in London who are now taking active steps to scupper young people’s chances of finding employment.

They are told they can’t get a job unless they have some work experience; and they can’t get any work experience unless someone is willing to give them a job.

“The Coalition has come up with a scheme to help them into places of work, and to give them at least some of the confidence and the credentials they crave. Instead of just drawing benefits and sitting at home, waiting for their luck to change, they are given the option – the option – of getting some practical understanding of what it is like to be an employee. Since January last year about 34,000 people aged 16-24 have been given their Jobseeker’s Allowance and travel costs while doing work experience in a huge range of businesses. They are not forced to do it, and they can pull out of it within a week if they don’t like it – with no loss of benefits.”

Sounds good Boris.

 

But-according to the Mirror

McDonald's has ­pocketed £10million of public money for an ­apprenticeship scheme ...but has not created a single new job with it.

Instead, the multi-national fast-food giant has spent the whole sum on ­“career progression” for 18,000 existing staff.

A Sunday Mirror investigation has found that among nine other major firms which take the most money from the scheme, ­£20million has been spent to create just 2,559 new jobs.

With unemployment hitting 2.67million PM David Cameron has pushed apprenticeships as a way to get young people back into work. In July he revamped the Skills Funding Agency to work directly with employers and recently said: “Apprenticeships are at the heart of the kind of economy we want to build: one where many more young people have the chance to learn a proper trade.”

Taxpayers have so far paid out £30,934,034 to create jobs which cost £12,088 each. But anyone on an appren­tice’s minimum wage takes home just £5,200 a year

A McDonald’s spokesman said: “Our apprenticeships’ scheme is about supporting and enabling career progression, not job ­creation. Since we started our apprenticeships programme, 11,000 employees have ­completed it and a further 7,000 employees are currently studying towards the qualification.

“We invest £36million every year in ­training. Like many UK employers, we receive some government funding in addition to our own investment, which enables us to adapt our training into nationally ­recognised, transferable qualifications.”

She said the firm hoped to create 2,500 new jobs this year

Glad I never “eat” at McDonalds....

North of the border

A terrified shop worker screamed when she found a venomous spider crawling out of a bunch of bananas.

The Asda worker discovered the ctenidae spider, commonly known as the banana spider, on Tuesday.

A colleague at the supermarket in Chesser, Edinburgh managed to get the adult female and its 10cm leg span into a plastic jar and called the Scottish SPCA.

Animal rescue officer Fiona Thorburn collected the spider and took it to Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World. However, the creature died overnight.

Ms Thorburn said: “The spider was found in a box of bananas that originated from Colombia. Although she was not very large, she was quite an impressive-looking creature, so we can understand why the person who found her let out a loud scream.

Kevin Thom, from Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World, said they often get exotic spiders handed in to them from shops which receive deliveries from abroad.

He added: “It isn’t deadly but its venom contains high levels of serotonin. If bitten you would experience pain, swelling, muscle spasms and flu-like symptoms which could be very unpleasant depending on the amount of venom that was injected.

“These spiders can survive transport from abroad by shutting down and becoming very cold. They awaken when they warm up which is often under bright shop lights.

 Glad I don’t shop as Asda...

Dahn Unda

Someone has worked out why the universe is 95 billion light years across when it has only been in existence for approx 14.3 billion years.

According to Professor Paul Francis from the Australian National University's Mount Stromlo Observatory  the best estimate for the age of the universe from the Big Bang to now is 13.75 billion years give or take 0.11 billion years.

If the universe was static, you would theoretically be able to see 13.75 billion light years in any direction because that's how far photons moving at the speed of light (about 300,000 kilometres per second in a vacuum) have travelled since shortly after the universe began.

With Earth at the centre of the cosmos from our point of view, that would make the universe about 28.5-billion light-years wide.

But the universe isn't static.

"[Since the Big Bang] the universe and space-time itself has been expanding,"

"We know space is expanding it's getting bigger and by extrapolating that backwards we can work out when everything we see was in the same place, and that gives us a rough age of the universe."

"The trouble is the universe may not have been expanding at the same rate, so extrapolating backwards may not be very accurate," says Francis.

According to Francis, the universe is currently expanding at 70 kilometres per second per mega-parsec (1 parsec is 3.26 light-years or 31 trillion kilometres).

Yeah right-my brain hurts....

Left to the land of the end of the world

Relatively mild drought conditions may have been enough to cause the collapse of the Classic Maya civilisation, which flourished until about AD950 in what is now southern Mexico and Guatemala.

Scientists have long thought that severe drought caused its collapse.

But Mexican and British researchers now think that a sustained drop in rainfall of only 25-40% was enough to exhaust seasonal water supplies in the region.

The findings were published in the journal Science.

The research was conducted by the Yucatan Centre for Scientific Research in southern Mexico and the University of Southampton in the UK.

Scientists used advanced modelling techniques to estimate rainfall and evaporation rates between AD800 and 950, when the classic Maya civilisation went into sharp decline.

They found that a relatively modest decline in rainfall was enough to deplete freshwater storage systems in the Yucatan lowlands, where there are no rivers.

That’s us in the Sarf East stuffed then.....

And finally:

 

Dahn in Welsh Wales

There is a Bungalow for sale with 'superb county and coastal view', According to the estate agent’s particulars; the bungalow commands superb country and coastal views across a swathe of the Irish Sea.

The three-bedroom bungalow, near Llanddona on the island of Anglesey, north Wales, is on the market for just under £200,000.

Its selling agents, Williams and Goodwin, are gushing in their description of the property.

They say: “An excellent opportunity to acquire a detached bungalow, situated in an exceptional elevated position enjoying superb coastline views over Anglesey towards Point Lynas.

''The property offers tremendous opportunity for further expansion subject to the necessary consents and is situated in a generous sized garden bordering onto and overlooking open countryside. Viewing recommended.”

What they don’t mention is the 350ft high TV mast and sub-station standing only a few yards from the property’s back garden.

 

Viewing is recommended-but at least you will be able to get decent digital reception...

That’s it: I’m orf to un-jam my GPS 

And today’s thought:

Angus