Cooking up a caution: How long are your Telomeres?: Rich Rozzers: Clarkson rakes it in: Bionic chicken: Glider boat: and a rusty old bike.

Quite clement at the Castle this morn, back to fixing fuddled fumbles in the study, and his Maj has discovered the joy of blackmailing me into giving him “Dreamies” with every meal.

It seems that if you are an old fart, rich, a “personality” and in with the management

You can snaffle stuff from Tesco with impunity, and yes I am talking about double barrelled Worral Thompson who managed to steal from my favourite retailer on more than a couple of occasions.

According to The Sun, a camera had been set up after he was spotted by staff not paying for some low-value items on a total of five occasions.

He was stopped by guards leaving the store in front of shocked shoppers.

A police spokesman said: "Thames Valley Police arrested a 60-year-old man from High Wycombe following a report of shoplifting offences in Tesco, Reading Road, Henley-on-Thames.

"The man has been issued with a formal caution for these offences."

A Tesco spokesman said: "It's a matter for police."

A-w-t said “"I am not the first and I certainly won't be the last person to do something without rhyme or reason - what went through my head, only time will tell.”

 Yeah-about five times apparently.

And: 

North of the border

Scientists at Glasgow University say they have found a key genetic indicator of how long an individual will live.

They say the lengths of tiny pieces of DNA called telomeres indicate whether a young creature is likely to live long into old age.

But before you rush out to get your telomeres stretched - were such a process possible - it is worth pointing out that the creatures they have been working with are not humans but altogether shorter-lived zebra finches.

At the ends of each chromosome lie the telomeres. They have been likened to the caps on the ends of shoelaces - they stop things from unravelling.

Over time they wear down - and when they do, the DNA they protect is compromised and the cell can malfunction or die.

 

 Think my laces are broken.....

Back dahn sarf

It seems that more than half of police officers are paid £38,000 a year or above, putting them in the top 20 per cent of earners, new figures show.

And almost half of officers working for the Metropolitan Police earn more than £47,000, putting them among the top ten per cent.

 

Value for our money?

Staying on the subject of value for money

My favourite Numpty Jeremy Clarkson made £2.14million off the back of Top Gear in just 12 months thanks to a lucrative BBC deal.

The controversial presenter earned twice as much as he did the year before, setting him up as one of the BBC's most successful TV personalities.

Clarkson's earnings are the result of a complex deal with BBC Worldwide which means he benefits from the show's popularity in 198 different countries as well as the spin-off DVDs, merchandise and live shows.

Accounts show that his cut amounted to £1.79million in the year to March 2011, up from £829,000 the previous year.

The funny man - who joked last year that public sector workers should be 'executed' for going on strike - is then paid an extra £350,000 by the BBC as a performance fee, taking his total annual pay from Top Gear up to £2.14million.

Although BBC Worldwide has 50 per cent stake in the company set up to specifically manage Top Gear, Bedder 6, Clarkson and co-producer Andy Wilman split the remainder of the money made from Top Gear T-shirts, remote-controlled cars, watches, mugs, magazines as well as royalty fees 30/20.

The show's recent success is largely down to its increasing popularity in the US, where it was remade for American audiences, and Australia, which receives the original British version.

Think I am going to vomit..... 

Up a smidge to Cheshire

Animal lover Sue Murphy loves her hen Amelia so much she paid £600 getting the bird fitted with a bionic limb when it suffered a fractured thigh.

‘I’d do the same for a cat or a dog,’ said Mrs Murphy, 51. ‘Everybody thinks I’m mad but she’s our pet. She’s got such character.’

The former nurse and husband John, 54, who keep nine other ex-battery hens, dogs, cats and horses, said: ‘I eat chicken if it’s free range but I couldn’t let them put Amelia down.’

Avian expert Richard Jones spent two hours fitting a metal rod supported by external ‘scaffolding’ to the one-year-old brown hen’s thigh bone – the first time the vet had carried out the procedure on poultry.

‘It meant Amelia could move her joints freely during the healing process and within half an hour she was walking again,’ he said.

Three more operations were needed to remove the rod and pins.

Amelia is now back to her old tricks trying to escape her run and perching on the roof of her owner’s home in Plumley, Cheshire.

‘She’s such a cheeky character and fingers crossed she doesn’t get into any more trouble with her antics,’ said Mrs Murphy.

Eggceptional.....

Somewhere on the big salty thing

An Australian adventurer is attempting to break the world speed kite surfer record this year with a hybrid glider-boat which can reach speeds of more than 100km an hour.

UK-based Paul Larsen, originally from Healesville in Victoria, hopes to break the record held by a kite surfer with his Vestas Sailrocket 2 in Namibia, Africa.

"Vestas Sailrocket 2 is truly a hybrid glider-boat,'' Larsen said.

"It is currently banging its head against the conventional limits which it is designed to break through.

"We are still very much in development and still believe that we will make the breakthroughs that will yield massive performance gains.

Why??? 

And finally:

 

Over to the bright lights on the left

A rusty 106-year-old motorbike is expected to fetch £50,000 when it goes under the hammer at auction.

The 1906 Indian Camelback was one of the first two-wheeled motorised machines. The single cylinder 311cc 4-stroke petrol engine produced 2.25hp.

Only 1,698 were made that year and this example is one of few remaining and enthusiasts are particularly keen on it because of its "unrestored" state.

It was owned by the du Pont family, which bought the 'Indian Motorcycle Manufacturing Company' that built it, and this cycle was last ridden in the 1970s.

Whoever buys the machine will probably use minimum efforts to restore it to a working condition, as a complete restoration would actually see its value reduce.

The Indian cycles were the great rivals of Harley-Davidson, but the company eventually went bankrupt in 1953.

It had a rudimentary braking system and a hobnail boot on the ground would have been needed to help it stop.

The motorcycle is going under the hammer at Bonhams in Las Vegas on January 12.

Ben Walker from Bonhams said: "This motorcycle is in such demand because of its condition and to restore it would actually take value off.

"The motorcycle will probably be 'oily-ragged', which means wiping it down with oil to preserve it as it is."

 

Wouldn’t pass the MOT anyway....

That’s it: I’m orf to look for the very tasty, extinct Galapagos tortoise.

And today’s thought:

Angus

My Old Dutch: No chance Nick: 10 days to Armageddon: Scotch bonnet: Mucky truck: Clarkson should be hung, drawn and quartered: and the dog and duck.

Wettish, calmish and coolish at the Castle this morn, the study is still devoid of devastated do dahs, his Maj is still bringing me worms and the elbow has finally stopped hurting. 

It being the 1^st of December and our 40^th wedding anniversary I wasn’t going to post today but life goes on and below is a tribute to my lovely “M”.

Sorry about the sound quality.

It seems that optimist and brown nose Nick Clegg

Is in a bit of a quandary after endorsing another two years of public spending cuts following the next general election.

Muppet Danny Alexander, the Liberal Democrat Chief Treasury Secretary, could not say where cuts required after 2015 would fall. "In good time, well before the election, we will set out where those savings will be made," he said. Asked if the Liberal Democrats would go into the next election promising nearly £30bn more austerity, he replied: "I'm afraid so."

 The Lib Dems have about as much chance of winning the next election as..........the Tories.

Allegedly over in the Eurozone

Banks have been told to brace themselves for financial Armageddon after being told there were just ten days left to save the euro.

They were advised to make contingency plans for the inevitable collapse of the single currency unless European leaders can come up with a last-minute rescue package.

Can’t wait....

Back in British Blighty and up a bit

Scotch Bonnet Cheddar - the hottest cheese ever to be sold in the UK - is about to land on supermarket shelves across the country.

It has been made using the fearsome Scotch Bonnet chilli pepper, which is known to pack a flaming punch.

The Scotch Bonnet emits a heat intensity that blows away the more commonly used Jalapeno. The intensity of a chilli is measured in Scoville units and the Scotch Bonnet has a rating of 100,000-350,000, while the Jalapeno only has a 2500-8000 score.

The cheese has been developed for Tesco and will be available in over 700 stores, priced at £2 for a 250g pack.

Tesco cheese buyer Ashleigh MacFarlane said: 'Britain has a huge growing chilli culture which is increasingly creeping into all kinds of everyday foods from chocolate, jams, crisps, nuts and now cheese.

Save having to buy mouse traps-just put the cheese down and you end up with a ready cooked snack....

Right oodles of lengths

To the land of bamboo and noodles a trucker tried to shoot the lights at a junction in Shenzhen, Guangdong province, southern China managed to tip his motor over and dumped more than a smidge of dirt on a taxi.

Cabbie Lui Ming, 45, suddenly found himself in more than half a tonne of soil when the lorry driver had to brake suddenly and ended up overturning his truck.

"I was waiting at a traffic light and the squeals of his brake behind me - and then it went complete dark," he explained.

Passersby helped dig him out but the crushed car was a write off, say police.

Dirty trick....

And not surprisingly

The BBC has been forced to apologise after Jeremy Clarkson said he would like to see striking public sector workers "shot" in front of their families.

The Top Gear presenter made his comments on BBC's The One Show on the evening of Britain's biggest public sector strikes in 30 years.

He said of the strikers: "I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

"I mean, how dare they go on strike when they've got these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed while the rest of us have to work for a living."

Work for a living? Travelling the world at our expense driving Asbo Martins, Lambos, Bugatti Veyrons, Koenigseggs and Ferraris is “work” is it?

Fuck orf Clarkson.

And finally:

Left to the land of the gun and the home of the Numpty

An American man was rushed to hospital after being shot in the buttocks by his dog during an ill-fated duck hunting accident in Utah.

The 46 year-old, who has not been named, was hit just a few feet away from his "excited" pet canine, which had stepped on a shotgun in his boat.

He escaped serious injury – only receiving an injury to his buttocks and, almost certainly to his pride. Police confirmed the incident was not a hoax.

Officers said the man, and an unidentified friend had been duck hunting on the Great Salt Lake, in the country's west, at the weekend.

The hunter, from Brigham City, about 60 miles north of the state capital Salt Lake City, was shot as he climbed out of the boat to move decoys in the shallow marsh area.

Kevin Potter, the Box Elder County Sheriff’s deputy chief, said the man left his 12-gauge shotgun in the boat before the dog stepped on it, causing it to discharge.

The right to bare arse?
 

That’s it: I’m orf to apply for a job

And today’s thought:

Angus

Calling home: Irish polar bears: Taping a brain: Naked theatre: and Elfandsafety sponges.

Damp, dingy and more than a tad dismal at the Castle this morn, the study is empty of all thingies, the hip is getting better, his Maj seems to think that I can control the weather and the bollards are still missing. 

I suppose I should mention the demise of the News of the doodah, don’t really give a marsupials mammaries, cynic I may be but it seems that the sacrifice has been made, which will allow the Millionaires Club Coalition to make the “right” decision later in the year over BSB.

Anyway if you can be bothered HERE is the full Murdoch statement.

The good news is that thousands of trees will be saved....or not.

I see that Santander is bringing its Indian call centres back to Blighty

Chief executive Ana Botin told the BBC customers had said it was "the most important factor in terms of the satisfaction with the bank".

It is taking on 500 staff for new phone centres and has 25 million customers and 1,300 branches in the UK.

The bank acquired Abbey, Alliance & Leicester and parts of Bradford & Bingley in 2008.

Commenting on the call centre move, Ms Botin said: "This is what our customers have told us is the most important factor in terms of the satisfaction with the bank, and we have listened to them and decided to bring all of our retail call centres back from India."

Allegedly there is a trend for banks and other companies to bring call centres back to the UK, although many are now moving administration work to cheaper countries instead.

 So instead of trying to translate foreign accents customers will have to decipher foreign “English”.

 I bank with Barclays-you can’t even ring your local branch....

According to scientists

The maternal ancestors of modern polar bears were from Ireland, Previously, it was believed that today's polar bears were most closely related to brown bears living on islands off the coast of Alaska.

However, analysis of mitochondrial DNA - which is passed from mother to child - has shown the extinct Irish brown bears are the ancestors of all today's polar bears, the scientists said.

Their work provides evidence of the two species mating opportunistically during the past 100,000 years or more. 

Which explains why they choose to live in one of the coldest places on Earth.

East to the land of long stringy things

A 23 cm long tapeworm has been surgically removed from a Chinese woman's brain. Doctors in a Nanjing hospital removed the worm from the brain of 24-year-old Li Fang a week ago, Li said she was disgusted at the thought of the tapeworm living in her brain.

Li's husband Yang said she suffered her first seizure last December and she was taken to hospital where it was detected that there was something in her brain but doctors could not determine what it was.

The second seizure was in June. This time a scan showed a strange object in her brain and a decision to operate was taken.

Doctors found a roughly spherical mass that was pressing against her brain nerves. While removing it, they suddenly found a long worm attached to it.

It was a tapeworm -- alive and wriggling.

So it isn’t little people that live in my brain.........

 West a fair amount to the land of Plumbers

Street theatre actors were torn off a strip by police after they mingled naked with crowds at a music festival.

The Deuxime Groupe D'intervention performers had been invited from France to take part in Poland's Malta Festival in Poznan.

But the group, whose motto is 'Wake Up Your Sensitive Parts, ignored the stage and stripped naked as they mingled with festival-goers waiting for bands like Portishead and Fleet Foxes to start playing.

Police threw the entire cast in the cells on public indecency charges after shocked concert goers dialled 999.

"We didn't know they were performers. There was no stage or acting as such. We just thought they were very kinky nutcases," said one witness.

A police spokesman confirmed: "A group was detained for lewd conduct in a public place."

Theatre isn’t what it used to be.

 And finally:

 Up North

Carnival organisers banned a wet sponge throwing event - for health and safety reasons. They feared they sponges might get dirty and someone could end up with grit in their eye.

The event had been a traditional favourite as carnival-goers aimed sponges at unfortunate volunteers in the stocks in the Lake District town of Ulverston...

But Saturday’s spectacular went ahead with water pistols, not sponges.

Organiser Ralph Spours said: “We decided that, in the face of health and safety, it would make better sense to use super-soakers instead.

“We did note that sometimes when the sponges were landing on the ground, they were landing in dirt and grit, being put back in the water butts and thrown again and there was a danger that people could get grit in their eye.”  

Goggles anyone?

That’s it: After doing a Clarkson on India, Ireland, Poland  and other foreign countries I’m orf to search for the Dorset Pliosaur in the moat. 

And today’s thought: If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

 Angus