Tosspot CONference roundup: Worzel degree: Hot Tug: and Sorry-not!

Not much lack of cold, even less atmospheric movement, quite a lot of skywater, and not a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this morn.

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, still a mess, still expensive but there are fewer “shoppers” staggering about and even less interweb trolley robots.

A slight pause in putting the coloured stuff on me, the floors, walls and ceilings due to the unfortunate fact that I need to do a bit of plastering in the bedroom and the stairwell, but the good news is that I have finally got the hang of the ‘super duper’ paint pad system thingy...

 

And as the unelected bunch of rich bastards gather in Birmingham to let us know how they are going to screw us even more.

U-Turn Cam informed Mandrew Arr on Auntie yestermorn that there would not be a “mansion tax” on houses valued at over two squillion squids, instead together with the other unelected bit of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition will be targeting the rich with new measures to help balance the books.

The Prime Monster said his party would "level" with the public about the need for another £16 billion of spending cuts in 2015-16.

"We have to find these spending reductions and if we want to avoid cuts in things like hospitals and schools, services that we all rely on, we have to look at things like the welfare budget," he said.

 

Too fucking late knobhead, and let me guess who will not have to pay the “mansion tax”-U-Turn Cam, George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne, the Irritable Bowel Twins and probably most of the rest of the Downing Street sideboard.

 

Still do not forget-WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

 

And staying with the CONtossers

 

 

Son of a.....Baronet George (my mansion’s bigger than your mansion) Osborne is apparently going to thrill the young, sick, needy and unemployed with a cunning plan to hack yet another £10bn orf the cost of welfare.

Apparently George O has reached an agreement with the Irritable Bowel Twins to reduce welfare spending by another £10bn by 2016-17.

The planned £10bn cuts will be in addition to the reduction in welfare spending of £18bn by 2014 which the “Chancellor” announced in the Budget in March. They will be driven through in conjunction with the introduction of the Universal Credit, which replaces means-tested benefits and tax credits and will be rolled out from next year.

 

I suppose the only good bit is that by 2016 there may not be a Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

 

And the third part of the CONfused Coalition conference CONnflab

Is that the Irritable Bowel Twins have drawn up proposals for a significant reduction in benefit payments after 2015.

Young unemployed people could be forced to live with their parents rather than be allowed to claim housing benefit, and there are plans to cut the benefits of unemployed families who continue to have more children, and child benefit, income support or tax credits could be withheld from jobless families.

According to the GridIron nearly 1.2 million working adults will for the first time next year face losing some of their benefits if they do not comply with new state requirements to work longer hours, find an additional job or seek higher wages.

 The aim is to increase the incentives to work but it means that people will lose money if they don't find extra work, even if there is none available where they live.

There are currently 1.4 million people working part-time because they are unable to find full-time work – compared to 500,000 in 2004.

 

Don’t blame me-I didn’t vote for this load of dickheads, then again nor did anyone else...

 

That’s the end of the “serious stuff”...

 

Up in the opposite of Southfolk

Jamie Fox a graduate in music and English has bagged himself a Worzel of a job as a temporary scarecrow; he spends his days sitting, reading and strumming his ukulele and then leaps into action when birds begin to circle, scaring them with his bright orange coat, accordion and cow bell.

Jolly Jamie is halfway through a fortnight-long stint scaring partridges from a field of oilseed rape near Aylsham, Norfolk.

He said: "I get to sit and read for a lot of the time, but whenever the partridges appear I have to get up and scare them off.

"I ring a cowbell and I've even played the accordion, but the ukulele doesn't seem to have any effect on them."

Mr Fox, who lives in Aylsham, earns £250 a week for his efforts policing the 10-acre field for eight hours each day. He is saving for a planned trip to New Zealand next year.

 

Worth every penny of his thirty grand “education”...

 

From the land of very tall, very old people

 

Comes the HotTug, a floating thingy with about 2000 litres of water on board and a wood stove in the front of the boat to heat the water in about 2.5 hours up to 38 degrees Celsius (100 degrees F.) just by making a little fire with normal logs.

And you and up to seven “friends” can enjoy this experience for as little as € 8.950, or if you want to go the whole log € 16.450 for the HotTugboat E-power+ Boat + stainless steel wood burning heater + electric Minnkota RT 160 EM, 4 Zenith batteries of 6 volt / 400 Ah + charger. 

I kid you not.....

 

And finally:

 

Ever wanted to say the hardest word?

This isn’t the way to do it.

 

 

That’s it: I’m orf to tweet U-Turn Cam but I don’t think 140 characters will be enough.

 

And today’s thought:

Think he is going to need a bigger boat...

 

Angus

A BIT OF PROPER(ISH) NEWS

The Gov has decided that if we eat less Lamb and more chicken and pork we will save the planet

And you may well ask why-the answer is that producing 2.2. lbs of lamb puts 37ld of Carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, whereas tomatoes only produce 20lbs and potatoes 1lb for each 2.2 lbs.


Lamb produces so much carbon dioxide because sheep belch so much methane, which is a potent greenhouse gas. Cows are also damaging, releasing the equivalent of 35lbs of CO2 per 2.2lbs. Previous studies have shown that a herd of 200 cows can produce annual emissions of methane - roughly equivalent to driving a family car more than 100,000 miles on more than four gallons of petrol.



The study also found that alcoholic drinks contribute significantly to emissions, with the growing and processing of hops and malt into beer and whisky producing 1.5 per cent of Britain's greenhouse gas.


More than a third of all methane emissions in the country is produced by farm animals. By volume, methane is 20 times more powerful at trapping solar energy than carbon dioxide.


Yep and more than 90% of all greenhouse gasses are produced by the bullshit coming from the Houses of Parliament.

And talking of bullshit the government has spent £500,000 of our money on research to discover that commuters want……trains to run on time.

“The report for the RSSB, which is funded by the Department for Transport to the tune of £12million every year, discovered that passengers are likely to be in a "positive emotional state" if their train is punctual and announcements are audible and comprehensible, and in a "negative" frame of mind if the service is late and no one tells them why.”

Rail users were lumped into bizarre categories in the document. "Snipers" hover next to an occupied seat, ready to take it when it becomes vacant, while "Sentinels" lean against a partition, thought to be the most tolerable standing spot.

"Blockers" hold the grab rail, making it impossible for others to pass. "Heroes" fight through the crowd in search of an aisle space or seat.

And “Tossers” run the railways.

Microsoft have come up with a game which needs no controllers, the movement of the players is detected by the games console instead.

The Xbox 360 system, which is expected to be launched next month, means people can drive a virtual car, kick a computer-generated football and dance with an on-screen partner simply by moving in the correct way. A gun can be fired by pulling an imaginary trigger and a fighter plane flown by holding an invisible joystick.

The machine, which uses infra-red light to monitor movements in three dimensions, is designed to end the dominance of the Nintendo Wii, which has revolutionised computer gaming by using the players' own movements to control the action. However it uses motion-sensitive hand or foot controls.

It is expected to be launched as early as next month at the E3 video game conference in Los Angeles.

Just a hint to Microsoft-instead of spending millions on new games, GET THE FIRKIN OPERATING SYSTEMS SORTED OUT ON COMPUTERS FIRST!

Please go to barman five-Drinkers in Oldham will have to queue at bars and buy no more than two beers at a time in an attempt to curb violence and binge-drinking.

Customers will be encouraged to stand behind rope barriers similar to those used in banks and post offices as they wait to be served, while drinking in the queue will also be discouraged, under new proposals.

The new rules have been put in place by Oldham Council in all 22 pubs in the town centre. The 2003 Licensing Act allows police and trading standards to apply for variations in a pub licence if these is concern about alcohol-related violence.

Critics, however, have branded the new plans "unnecessary".

"We have no problem with tackling problem drinking but this is not the way to go about it," said Mark Hastings, of the British Beer and Pub Association.

"These measures are costly, unnecessary and totally disproportionate at a time when around 40 pubs are closing every week.

"People aren't going to want to drink if they have to queue up as if they're in the post office."
Here’s a novel idea to reduce binge drinking, bring back the licensing hours.

And finally:

The village where Jamie Oliver lives has some new inhabitants, A scarecrow poking fun at money-grabbing MPs is one of nearly 70 which have sprung up in Jamie Oliver's home village.

The figure is part of an invasion of novelty bird-scarers, including Darth Vader, the Village People and Margaret Thatcher, which have popped up all over the tiny rural idyll of Clavering, Essex.

But one enterprising resident saw an opportunity to make a dig at scandal-hit politicians who have been exposed by the Daily Telegraph's investigation into MPs expenses.
The scarecrow of a gardener pushing a lawnmower has popped up outside a pretty thatched cottage in the village.

Signs offering 'moat clearing', 'removals organised for flipping' and stating 'Invoices can be sent direct to Westminster if desired' have also been errected.

Local MP for Saffron Walden Alan Hazlehurst spent £12,000 on gardening costs over five years.
Farmer Peter Balaam, who made the effigy, said he was not pointing the finger at him but at MPs in general.

Organisers of the fete have been astounded by the response to their idea after 67 figures appeared on grass verges, in gardens and on benches in the pretty village.

Among the more inventive are four seven foot "Village People" doing the YMCA, an effigy of Margaret Thatcher climbing a roof and Darth Vader sitting by the village pond.

There is also a bride, a scene from The Wizard of Oz and Little Miss Muffet.

Mrs Cook, 39, said: "It's just gone mad. We expected a dozen at most but there has been an invasion in the village.

"There is a man in a bowler hat left on the bench, who looks like he is waiting for a lift and a cleaner was left next to the village sign.

Maybe they should put the scarecrows up for election, they couldn’t do any worse, and they would.t need expenses, apart from the odd bale of straw.

“Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules”-Douglas Adams


Angus
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