Benefits of Blighty: Motoring poverty: Lambo Veneno: Best jobs in the world: Shit IKEA cakes and the latest advice from the Government.

Spring sprung and then buggered orf at the Castle this morn, immense lack of warm, sod all solar stuff, a whimsy of atmospheric movement and not a drop of skywater, still it was nice while it lasted.

 

The Irritable Bowel Twins are not very happy

Corporal Jones has nothing on the top dick at the Dept of Witless Pillocks (DWP) when it comes to running around like a headless ‘Orse bemoaning the fact that he ignored the up and coming influx of EU foreign nationals coming to the UK to claim benefits for the last couple of years.

But of course it isn’t the IBS twins fault apparently "he has been fighting a rearguard action over what was left to me by the last government."

And "The reality is that it is all right for [Labour] to moan but let's put the facts as they are - I inherited a habitual residency test which simply isn't fit for purpose. We are trying to tighten that up dramatically and I am being infracted at the moment by the European Union for doing that.

 

And you should be infracted you tosser, mind you being a LibDem you are probably used to it.

 

And according to her Maj’s Automobile Club

Nearly a million households are spending more than a quarter of their income running a car; the RAC Foundation has used data from ONS, the Government’s statistical service, to expose the extent of "motoring poverty".

It estimates there are 800,000 families trying to run a car with a disposable weekly income of no more than £167.

According to the Foundation’s calculations £44 – equivalent to 27 per cent of the total – is being spent on motoring costs.

This includes £16 to buy fuel and £8.30 a week for insurance.

Road tax accounts for £2.50 a week; and maintenance £4.80, with motorists having to allow £10 for the cost of buying the car and depreciation.

 

Thanks to, Dave, What’s his name, George, and the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

 

And talking of cheap old motors

 

 

Lamborghini is showing what it calls a street-legal supercar, the Veneno – of which only three will be sold, each costing £2.6 million plus tax – at the 2013 Geneva motor show.

According to Lamborghini, its design is focused on maximum aerodynamic efficiency. The Veneno is based on the Aventador supercar, and shares its 6.5-litre V12 engine although in the Veneno it develops 50bhp more, at 750bhp. That, combined with a wind-cheating shape, should mean a top speed of 221mph.

The Veneno shown at Geneva is Lamborghini's development car, featuring red, white and green accents on the flanks to symbolise the Italian flag. The three customer cars will only have highlights in one of these colours.

 

Must check the bank balance-just in case

 

And Dahn Unda

Tourism Australia has launched a search to find six lucky applicants to fill what it says are the best jobs in the world.

The six month positions each offer the chance to be paid good money to live in some of the most beautiful parts of Australia.

Jobs on offer include Chief Funster (New South Wales), Outback Adventurer (Northern Territory), Park Ranger (Queensland), Wildlife Caretaker (South Australia), Lifestyle Photographer (Melbourne), and Taste Master (Western Australia).

It is part of a campaign to promote tourism opportunities provided by Australia's Working Holiday Maker programme.

It targets travellers between 18 and 30 years of age, especially those from countries eligible for Australian working holiday visas, including the UK and Ireland.

For further details of the competition visit Tourism Australia's Working Holidays Facebook page, www.facebook.com/australianworkingholiday or www.australia.com/bestjobs

That’s me stuffed then...

 

Following IKEA’s ‘Orse balls

They have now withdrawn almond cakes from its restaurants in 23 countries after bacteria normally found in faecal matter was discovered.

The group confirmed it was investigating claims that Chinese authorities had found "an excessive level" of coliform bacteria in two batches of the cake made by a Swedish supplier. The product remains on sale in its 19 branches in UK and Ireland, which are not supplied by the company under investigation.

Ikea said 1,800 Tarta Chokladkrokant cakes – described as an almond cake layered with chocolate, butter cream and butterscotch – were destroyed in December after being intercepted by Chinese customs officials. It said it was carrying out a full investigation with the supplier to ensure it would not happen again. 

And of course Ikea said in a statement: "There is no health risk associated with consuming this product. The production batches have, as per safety and quality routines, been tested for bacteria that can cause health issues, such as E coli, and none of these pathogen bacteria have been found. However, since the product does not comply with our strict food quality standards we have decided to withdraw the concerned production batches from sale in the 23 affected countries. The UK and Ireland are not affected."

 

So as well as making cheap nasty furniture they sell balls made of ‘Orse and cakes made of shit.

 

And finally:

 

The Government has issued some new signs

One for the Border Force

 

 

One for LibDems

 

And one for House of Commons visitors

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find the secrets of my left handed brain cell 

And today’s thought:

Not funny really, is it

 

 

Angus

Regulated fags: Old Farts heart checks: Pull up the drawbridge: Rhino Numpty: Echidna-hat-crap: and the Ex-Nazi’s number one.

Loads of lack of warm, layers of scrapey-scrapey stuff, light amounts of atmospheric movement and sod all solar stuff at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread (£1.45) gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco and I took some carrots for the horses, waved them in front of the neddy burger coolers and nearly got trampled in the stampede.

And fucking Blogger still hasn’t sorted out the IE pic thingy...

 

All across dog end Blighty

 

Allegedly “academics” reckon that the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition could raise at least £500m a year by capping the amount of profit tobacco companies can make from cigarettes.

They are calling for state regulation similar to that used to limit the price of water.

Writing in the journal Tobacco Control, they say reducing profits would allow for higher taxes without changing the price in shops.

Dr Robert Branston, from the University of Bath, said the tobacco industry was "incredibly profitable", with some companies making 67p in profit out of every £1 received after tobacco duties. He described that as an "incredible sum".

Some industries in the UK are already regulated to prevent companies taking advantage of a lack of competition in the market place. The regulator Ofwat reviews the price water companies can set and Dr Branston wants a similar organisation "Ofsmoke" to limit the profits made by tobacco manufacturers.

The report calculated the effect of limiting profits to levels achieved by food and drinks manufactures in Europe - between 12% and 20%.

The Tobacco Manufacturers’ Association said the industry was already high taxed and paid more than £12bn to the Exchequer in 2011-12.

It said: "Some popular cigarette brands are already taxed at nearly 90%, yet this report chooses to ignore this fact and instead concentrate on the profit of a legitimate industry which supports over 70,000 UK jobs.

 

And look how well OfWat do, no wonder we are so deep in the faeces....

 

And allegedly

 

A new blood pressure measuring device which can also detect a dangerous heart condition has been backed by the NHS watchdog.

The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence says GPs could use it routinely to spot more patients with atrial fibrillation (AF).

AF is an erratic and often fast heartbeat affecting 800,000 people in the UK and is a major cause of stroke.

The device NICE is recommending in England is called WatchBP Home A.

It looks like a normal blood pressure monitor, with an inflatable cuff that goes around the patient's arm.

At the same time as measuring blood pressure, it can check a patient's pulse.

If people over 65 were to be checked with the WatchBP Home A device, it could save the NHS about £26m and benefit about 400,000 people, says NICE.

 

I’m so excited my heart is racing.....

According to “campaigners”

 

Around 250,000 migrants from Bulgaria and Romania could head to the UK for work when restrictions are lifted at the end of the year.

The Government has refused to issue an estimate of the number of foreign workers who are expected move to the UK from the two countries after getting the right to work in Britain. 

But an analysis of the numbers who flooded into the country from Poland and other Eastern European countries in 2004 showed around 50,000 migrants a year for the next five years could head to the UK, the campaign group Migration Watch UK said. 

The influx of foreign workers is expected to be lower than nine years ago as temporary restrictions on workers from Bulgaria and Romania have been in place and other European countries will be lifting their controls at the same time. 

But Britain remains one of the most attractive destinations for migrants, “partly because of its flexible labour market and partly because of the ease of access to its benefits system”, Migration Watch said. 

A previous estimate from Tory MP Philip Hollobone that the number of Romanians and Bulgarians in Britain could jump from 155,000 to 425,000 within two years also “seems exaggerated”, the group added.



Oh shit.....but if Pickles fucked orf abroad that would make room for ten thousand or so....

 

Right quite a way and dahn just as much 

 

A “suggestion” from a South African game park owner for Chantal Beyer to “stand closer” to the Rhino to get a better picture resulted in the inevitable

The Beeld newspaper said that just after the photo was snapped, the rhino attacked, and its horn penetrated Beyers' chest from behind, resulting in a collapsed lung and broken ribs

The Aloe Ridge Hotel and Nature Reserve, where the incident took place, declined to comment Tuesday.

 

Good job it wasn’t an elephant....

 

Dahn Unda 

25-year-old Munro Hardy happened upon an echidna wandering in a gold mine in Australia, he grabbed the rare egg-laying mammal to save it from being run over by machines.

Hardy pulled on a pair of leather gloves to pick up the echidna, which rolled into a ball to protect itself. So, he used a hard hat to move the spiky critter out of harm's way.

And what did the spiky monotreme did to thank the man? "The little bastard crapped in my hat and then crawled under the dash in the truck and into the wiring," Hardy said.

But Hardy persevered and got the animal out of his truck and into the scrubland away from the mine. Alison Bevege of Australia's NT News has the story of the crappy end to Hardy's spiky rescue, but alas, no mention of what he did with the souvenir the echidna left in his hat

 

No good deed goes unpunished....

And finally:

 

The Ex-Nazi El papa has a “star” in his entourage 

Archbishop Georg Ganswein, 56, who has been dubbed "Gorgeous George" by the Italian media has been the Pope's right hand man for more than six years and is always at his side is on the front page of Vanity Fair.

The softly spoken clergyman, who is also a pilot, likes to keep fit by playing tennis, is often pictured in glossy magazines because of his rugged good looks and some have even compared him to actor George Clooney.

He was pictured on the cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair alongside the headline ''Being beautiful is not a sin'' adding that he was a ''particular'' clergyman, describing him as the ''George Clooney of the Vatican.''

Archbishop Ganswein's main role is to organise Pope Benedict's day to day diary and he was recently in the spotlight over the Vatileaks scandal when it emerged he had angered senior Catholic Church figures because of the media's interest in him.

However he has insisted his mind is fully on the job and recently said: ''Personally I see my role or service with the Pope as similar to that of glass.

"The cleaner it is then it will achieve its task. I need let the sunlight and the less you see of the glass then the better it is. If you don't see it at all that means I'm doing my job well.''

 

So how clean is an ex-Nazi’s glass then....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to text some money-to myself

 

And today’s thought:

What do you mean Blighty is a third world country....

 

 

Angus

No amnesty: Physios and podiatrists prescriptions: Amateur bomb defuser: A bit more Argy bargy: Up yours Tamworth: and how to wash a car-twice...

Oodles of solar stuff at the Castle this morn the garden has been fettled to the nth degree, and I have had to wash the sheet, duvet and cover because it is a bit damp from my melting bod over the hot dark thing.

As I put a nice clean sheet on the four-poster his Maj came in from exploring the grounds and ran right across it leaving a nice set of dirty paw prints-make that I have had to wash the duvet, cover and two sheets....

Up in the Olympic Smoke

Someone in the on holiday number 10 yesterday ruled out offering an amnesty for illegal immigrants and failed asylum-seekers still in Britain.

The move has previously been supported by Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London. But Prime Monster U-Turn Cam’s spokesman said: "That is not something we are considering."

His comments came after it emerged that the UK Border Agency is working its way through a backlog of more than 275,000 cases – equivalent to the population of Newcastle.

Wonder how many it will be after the underwater Olympics?

Still in baking Blighty

Physiotherapists and podiatrists (feet and ankle stuff) in England are to get the right to prescribe medicines by themselves.

Ministers agreed to the change in the law after carrying out a consultation, but it will be 2014 before it is fully rolled out.

When physios and podiatrists do start prescribing they will become the first in the world to be given such powers.

And it will mean patients do not have to go back to GPs to get drugs such as anti-inflammatories and painkillers.

Health minister Lord Howe said: "By introducing these changes, we aim to make the best use of their skills and allow patients to benefit from a faster and more effective service."

That should help our medal count....

East many, many miles

After working for eight years, Ji Xingang's bomb-defusing device is now used by many public security bureaus, fire stations, as well as oil and gas companies throughout China. Wang Ru reports.

For eight years, Ji Xingang worked relentlessly on his bomb defusing invention, modifying and improving the device. It was originally a hobby and he never thought it would be put to use. But the timing was perfect. He completed his project in March 2010 and in June 2010, someone from the public security bureau of Shijiazhuang, capital of Hebei province, found use for it.

The conventional way to defuse unexploded bombs was to transport them to remote localities and detonate them. But nobody could predict whether the bomb would explode during transportation.

So they moved it to nearby open ground.

According to Ji, there is a huge market for such machines. In 2008, the Olympic Games imported an anti-bomb water jet cutting machine from a German company, which cost $200,000.

Since 2010, Ji has been selling his water jet cutter to public security bureaus, fire stations, as well as oil and gas companies all over China. In 2011, his cutter was bought for the World University Games in Shenzhen.

 

Spiffing, but shouldn’t he be standing a bit further away?

West just as far and dahn more than a smidge

A raffle will determine which civil servants in a small Argentine town will receive their pay first, due to insufficient funds, its mayor announced Monday.

"We will draw lots to decide the (order) of payment," said mayor of Bialet Masse, Gustavo Pueyo, in a broadcast from Buenos Aires private radio station Radio Mitre.

Pueyo said the raffle was approved by national mayoral authorities and the first draw took place Friday, with 23 of the town's 92 employees receiving their pay. A second raffle is slated for Monday.

Home to 5,000 inhabitants, Bialet Masse is a tourist destination in Cordoba Province, 750 kilometres (466 miles) northwest of Buenos Aires.

Pueyo attributed the city's insufficient funds to a drop in the funding usually received from the provincial government.

 

No wonder they want the oily Falklands-wonder if it would work in the leaning tower of

Westminster....

Back in up yours Blighty

A hedge clipped to look like an extended middle finger has landed one gardener in trouble after police ordered the offensive bush to be altered following a complaint.

Warwickshire Police have told creator Richard Jackson his cheeky garden humour must be altered as it is considered a public offence.

In response, neighbours in Tamworth, Staffordshire, have started a Save the Bush campaign.

'I carved the bush into a middle finger eight years ago and there has only ever been one complaint about it, made recently,' explained Mr Jackson.

'I was contacted by the police and they said the council had been in touch because somebody had complained to them about it.

'Apparently, one person was offended by it and the police said it was a public order offence.'

Warwickshire Police said if they receive a direct complaint about the hedge they would deal with it proportionately.

Fuck orf......

And finally:

West to the home of not a lot of water and the land of old farts

After driving out of the Spotless Auto Laundry carwash on East Anderson Street Hackensack an ‘elderly’ woman decided that her motor wasn’t “spotless” and drove it into the river to finish it orf.

The woman, who was not immediately identified, apparently hit the wrong pedal and she and her car ended up in the river, police said. She was rescued by a carwash employee and a customer and treated at Hackensack University Medical Centre.

The incident occurred around 3:30 p.m. Police called city fire-fighters about a car in the water at East Anderson and River streets, said Lt. Justin Derevyanik of the Hackensack Fire Department.

Fire-fighters launched a boat to check the vehicle for other occupants, found none and then secured the car by tying it to the shore line so it could be towed from the river, Derevyanik said. They then helped a tow truck crew retrieve the car.

The good news is that no fire-fighters were injured.

 Oh well that’s alright then.....but at least she had a fifty/fifty chance of hitting the right pedal...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to slow dahn a Dumpling Squid

And today’s thought:

Now where is U-Turn Cam sitting Olympics....

Angus

Higgs Boson-maybe: Anybody here seen.....150,000 immigrants?: Chuffin Golden handcuffs: Free-ish boat: Numpty Mondeo owner: 'Snow joke-cupid stunt: and How not to run the 110m hurdles.

The sun has got his hat on-orf-on-orf at the Castle this morn; instead of skywater we have oodles of moist atmosphere, no breeze and not a lot of temperature.

More than a bit late this Thursday, been dahn to Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run which was a bit confusing because they have stopped stocking his fave Whiskas jelly meat selection and whacked up the price of all the other flavours to £4.39-robbing bastards.

So it looks as if I am orf to Pets at home later.

And the interweb thingy is as slow as the intellect of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition today.

Here is a nice pic of some strawberries from the underwater garden, this is actually the second crop-I ate the first lot before I remembered to photograph them.

And apparently “they” have found the Higgs Boson-or maybe not

Scientists at Cern (European Organization for Nuclear Research) are confident that they have discovered a new sub-atomic particle and a boson (those which carry forces) but the question of whether it is the Higgs boson or not remains unconfirmed.

"We are very careful in not stating that it is the Higgs boson. It could be the Higgs boson, but I am pretty convinced it is a Higgs boson," Rolf Heuer, director-general of Cern, which operates the LHC, told BBC News.

"Our famous Standard Model contains only one Higgs. That would be the Higgs boson. But there are extensions to the Standard Model, which we need because [this theory] is not everything.

"There could be many more Higgs bosons."

Indeed, according to one idea, there could be five Higgs bosons with similar masses but different electric charges. But there are many other possible schemes to describe the "new physics" that must lie beyond the best theory of how the Universe works. 

That’s clarified that then...

And the UK border agency

Has allegedly managed to lose track of about 150,000 foreign nationals staying on after their visas expired, Immigration minister Damian Green blamed the last government - but Labour said the report was damning.

The latest report from the inspector focuses on a previously unknown problem in the UKBA, concerning people from outside Europe who have deadlines to leave the UK.

Many of these people are students and if they do not leave when told to do so, they are added to the "migration refusal pool" (MRP).

They are probably still in the queue at Heathrow....

The knobs at the top of Network Rail

Are seeking long-term bonuses of almost £12 million on top of two other reward schemes for bosses at the taxpayer-funded company.

It emerged this week that the rail operator wants to pay £1.7 million to directors for their work over the last three years and £900,000 in “golden handcuffs” to make sure three bosses stay until 2014.

Now the company has confirmed it is also seeking permission to pay executives up to £11.7 million in future, prompting calls for Justine Greening, the Transport Secretary, to intervene.

The company is backed with £4 billion of taxpayer money and will also benefit from fares increasing up to 11 per cent this year.

Under the plans, a group of up to six bosses, including chief executive Sir Dave Higgins, would share up to £2.4 million every year for five years if they hit performance targets.

 

Still-we are all still in this together....wonder if “Sir” Dave is related to El Papa?

West to the place where it is warm, wet and salty

Jack Roberts’ has posted on Craigslist that he is giving his boat away, snag is the 16-foot fishing boat capsized Sunday about 2 miles off-shore near the old Destin Bridge rubble reef in the Gulf of Mexico.

“The Coast Guard said if the boat doesn’t come out of the water, they’re going to charge me with a crime,” he told the paper. “And somebody can sue me if they hit the boat.”

Roberts said he posted his Craigslist ad to avoid a $2,400 salvage fee. He is offering the title to the watercraft, as well as $2,000 worth of fishing gear and $800 cash left aboard, to anyone who can successfully retrieve the vessel and its loot.

Caveat Emptor....

Back in the Smoke

When Mr Razi's car broke down in Storey's Gate, he slipped a note on the dashboard explaining 'this car is broken. I am just waiting for the AA to arrive. Please do not fine! Thank you, yours sincerely'.

He then decided to pay a visit to Buckingham Palace, just a five minute stroll away.

While he was gone, police spotted the car and deciding it was a security risk to the nearby Houses of Parliament, evacuated the area so they could carry out a controlled explosion.

When Mr Razi - a MBA student at the University of Wales visiting London for just 24 hours - returned from his sightseeing trip, he found swarms of police officers scouring the remains of his mangled car.

To add insult to injury - a traffic warden arrived on the scene and issued him a ticket, after being alerted by the police.

If I had a Mondeo I would blow it up as well...

Somewhere in Cupid Stunt land

A Russian base jumper leaps orf a 120 metre pylon, his parachute fails to open and he does a nice belly flop into the snow.

A sickening thud can just about be made out as he hits the ground, with a dusting of snow visibly rising from the ground on impact.

But the “lucky” Numpty fractured his vertebrae, pelvis and legs and was walking again after a three month recovery period.

Bet that stung....

And finally:

East to the land that may not do too well in the London Olympics

A young student at the Chinese University Games appears to forget the basic premise of the 110m hurdles.

After he hit the first two hurdles, the unidentified competitor decided to dispense with hurdling altogether and simply sprinted through the remaining barriers chest first.

He successfully negotiated four hurdles in the fashion, and even managed to catch up with the leaders before the seventh hurdle sent him tumbling into a neighbouring competitor's lane.

Unperturbed, the athlete then clattered the final hurdle whilst still in the wrong lane before finally crossing the finish line in a remarkable sixth place.

That’s it (at last): I’m orf to gather moss from old poo

And today’s thought:

Hit me with your rhythm stick Wimbledon.

Angus  

Naughty overpaid racists: High value visas: Dying for life: Ferrari to Fiat: Cleaning up in Chongqing: That’s the ticket: and exploding wedding cakes.

Warmish, wettish and a whimsy of mist at the Castle this morn, the foreign flu is still around a smidge-I have this urge to make a silent film and I have just returned from Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run.

I see that while Blighty sinks into the west along with its economy U-Turn Cam is to hold a summit on racism in something called football in an attempt to ensure that the sport is not dragged back to the "bad old days" by recent race controversies, Jeremy Hunt, the culture secretary, said on Sunday.

The event will take place this month and, although details have not been finalised, it is expected to include player representatives and senior figures from bodies including the Football Association and the Premier League.

Simple answer-if one overpaid ballet dancer is found “guilty” of calling another overpaid ballet dancer a naughty name-sack the Pillock and ban him from kicking the leather bag full of air forever...

How to buy UK citizenship

The number of wealthy foreign nationals granted investor visas to stay in the UK has risen six-fold since they were introduced three years ago. In 2011, 320 visas were issued to individuals with £1m in capital, according to the commercial law firm McGrigors.

The biggest growth is among applicants from Russia and former Soviet states, who account for a third of investment visas, which are seen as a fast track to UK citizenship. Yuri Botiuk, a partner at McGrigors, said that Russian investors continued to see Britain as a place of stability in which to invest their cash.

Fifteen per cent of investment visas are now allocated to Chinese citizens who make up the second main national group.

Be a Blightyite-if you are rich....

Allegedly the British Moronic Arseholes-BMA

Want some patients to be kept alive solely so they can become organ donors as part of an urgent medical and ethical revolution to ease Britain’s chronic shortage of organs, doctors’ leaders say today.

A new BMA report also suggests hearts could be taken from newborn babies for the first time and body parts could be used from high -risk donors.

The BMA wants a debate about the use of an ethically contentious practice called “elective ventilation”, in which patients diagnosed as dead – such as those who have suffered a massive stroke – are kept alive purely to enable organ retrieval.

Nice to see that the NHS is “patient led”...

Right a bit to the land of pasta and posh motors

Italy's crackdown on tax cheats has many well-heeled drivers spurning their hot wheels for more prosaic cars to avoid unwelcome attention.

"Since December about 30 people have come to return their cars as they fear intense tax raids," a luxury car dealer said in Milan.

Domenico Minervini from the financial police in the central Emilia-Romagna region, added: "The tax office has begun to spread fear.

"Many citizens are bringing back their prestigious motors evoking the financial crisis but in reality they are scared and want to hone down their taxpayer profile as their declared revenues have been very low until now."

Buying a Fiat-that’ll teach em....

East even more

A large cargo truck carrying laundry detergent worth millions blew out a tyre in Qijiang county of Chongqing, drove through the centre divider, and stopped on the other side of the road, the cargo on the truck scattered all over the ground. After the villagers near the highway found out, one after another they rushed onto the highway to loot the scattered goods.

Seen the price of washing powder lately?

Dahn Unda

The Islamic Women's Welfare Association wants new migrants to get taxpayer subsidies to visit overseas relatives, and Australia should consider how to "facilitate the purchase of homes for new migrants".

In a submission to a federal multicultural inquiry, the association has urged the Government to give tax deductions to newly arrived migrants so they can visit relatives in their homelands.

"Migrants face a lot of sacrifices such as having to travel long distances to visit relatives, spending on communication costs, missing out on some events occurring in native countries etc," the submission said.

"This loss should be compensated by the Government in one way or the other to retain migrants in their country of adoption."

If you don’t like where you live fuck orf home-is that racist?

And finally:

Food artists Bompas & Parr are launching a food explosion service for weddings where for a fee a trained explosives technician will lay charges within your wedding cake ready for you to detonate.

A spokesperson for the firm said: "Traditional wedding cakes are a triumph of spectacle over taste. Bompas & Parr’s food explosion service pushes this ethos to its ultimate conclusion.

"The ritual of cutting the cake is significantly enhanced through the explosion, the sense of occasion heightened by the blast and your guests are spared eating flavourless fruitcake."

The service starts from £800 and includes a risk assessment and an explosive technician liaising with your cake provider to tell them how their creation will be destroyed.

That’ll go down a bomb...

That’s it; I’m orf to substitute some metal

And today’s thought:

Where to keep your brains.

Angus

Going out: Coming in: El Papa’s stripper: Wheelie big saw: Beanz meanz NZ: and Goosy Goosy Dentist.

‘Tis cold, dark and windy at the Castle this morn, oodles of wet stuff yesterday and last dark thing, which has made the garden smile-and me because I don’t have to drag the watering can around.

I had several phone calls from Mac owners who have acquired a virus on their “inviolate” laptops, so I downloaded the SophosLabs free antivirus for Mac, deleted the Leap-A worm and charged them double.

Why? Because I can…….

The Talk Talk internet connection is still iffy, and the rain doesn’t help, modern technology.

I see that “we must reduce the deficit” U-Turn Cam has decided that “We” can afford to give away £100 million or so to the Arab Spring countries.

British officials said that the Piss poor Polices Prime Minister, David Cameron, was ready to promise £110m in aid for such countries over four years. The initial beneficiaries would be Tunisia and Egypt.

Today's summit declaration is expected to promise a "durable partnership" with Egypt and Tunisia and any other Arab countries which overthrow autocratic rule. Cairo has asked for $10bn to $12bn (£6.1bn to £7.3bn) by the middle of next year. Tunisia says it needs $25bn over five years.  

The cost of democracy.

And talking of Piss Poor Policies

Net migration in to the UK soared by almost half last year and is now close to the record levels of 2005.

It is the fifth quarter in a row that net immigration has risen signalling a worrying upward trend.

And two of the main drivers were a slump in emigration and a sharp rise in Eastern Europeans coming to the UK for work – two areas that will not be affected by the Government’s annual cap or other immigration measures.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) yesterday also showed:

: The number of foreign workers increased by 1.7 million in the last decade and accounted for all the increase in employment levels over the period.

: Work visas increased by six per cent in the year to March 2011

: Asylum claims increased by 11 per cent

: Migrants granted settlement in the UK increased by four per cent

U-Turn Cam has promised to cut net immigration, the difference between those arriving and those leaving the UK, to the “tens of thousands” by 2015.  

Not working is it.

Apparently the ex Nazi what’s his name El Papa has shut down a famous community in Rome that organised dances by a former nightclub dancer nun and hosted VIPs like Madonna, earning the disfavour of the Vatican.

The closure of the monastery of Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, which holds some of the Church's most prized relics, was reported by Italian dailies La Stampa and Il Foglio.

The reports said the community of Cistercian monks based at the church for more than five centuries was being transferred to other churches in Italy.

Contacted by AFP, the Vatican did not deny the reports.

The basilica had become a hub for the Friends of Santa Croce, an aristocratic group, and had been criticised for some unorthodox practices including dances in which nuns pranced around the altar.

One of the nuns who performed at the church, a former disco dancer, can be seen in a YouTube video performing a modern dance with a crucifix. 

Seems like fairly normal behaviour for the Catholic Church to me.

Right a fair amount to one of the ‘Azakhstans

The world's biggest saw helps workers in Kazakhstan plough through hillsides by digging out 4,500 tonnes of coal an hour.

Towering in at just over 145 feet and weighing a staggering 45,000 tons, the massive machine obliterates anything in its path.

The saw has jagged buckets attached to the rotating blade - which works in a similar fashion to a chain saw.

The buckets dig deep into the coal seam and break off mammoth chunks - before it travels around a conveyor belt and straight into containers positioned on waiting trains.

The mammoth excavator needs a total of 27 people to operate it at any one time.

As giant as this mighty tool is, it is hindered by one flaw: it only travels at one mile every three hours.

 I pity the poor sod that has to change the blade.

Dahn Unda and right a bean

Heinz Australia will shed more than 300 jobs when it moves some of its operations in Victoria, NSW and Queensland to New Zealand, the company announced today.

The decision will result in the loss of 160 jobs at Golden Circle's Northgate plant in Brisbane, 146 jobs at Girgarre in northern Victoria and another 38 jobs at Wagga Wagga, in NSW.

Heinz will shift production of sauces, beetroot and some meals products from these facilities to its operations in Hastings, New Zealand, it said in a statement.

Heinz Australia chief executive Nigel Comer said the decision was made after an extensive review of the company's manufacturing operations. 

Or in other words-cheaper.

 And finally: 

Dahn in Surrey

A retired dentist suffered a broken leg after driving his quad bike into a tree while being attacked by a goose.

Jan Pieniazek was chased around a lake by an over-protective male Canadian goose as he tried to collect some grain from a neighbour's garden for his chickens.

He jumped on to his quad bike to escape but the hissing bird flew at him, landed on his head and knocked him off course.

Terrified Mr Pieniazek crashed into a tree and was left flat on his back in a field in Cowfold, near Horsham, until a neighbour heard his cries for help and called 999.

He said: "I went past the lake where there are a pair of Canadian geese. The female was sitting on her eggs on an island.

"The male always flaps his wings and hisses to protect the nest but on this occasion, he followed me all the way around the lake.

"Out of the blue he then landed on my head when I got on the quad and I drove straight into a tree.

"I heard a big crack in my leg bone. I was 200 yards from he nearest road so I screamed and screamed until a lady from a cottage down the road came to help me."

Paramedics and the Sussex Air Ambulance attended.

An Air ambulance spokesman said: "His tibia bone was protruding through the skin so we anaesthetised him, administered a strong painkiller and reduced the fracture.

"We then splinted his leg and made him more comfortable."

Mr Peiniazek is now recovering at home and is hoping to be back on his feet within six months,

The geese now have a family of six goslings.

A retired dentist…maybe there is someone upstairs: and at least the Goose is OK.

That’s it: I’m orf to test out my Bat Sight. 

And today’s thought: Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton, former U.S. president.

 Angus