Ooh Aar Tourist tax: Toothy, toothy Crems: But is it art?: Hamster abuse: Shrek gets stuffed: and Upwell Elfandsafety.

Bit iffy at the castle this morn, cloudy, more than a bit cold but calm, his Majesty has now discovered the joy of diving under the duvet and attacking my feet at three in the am, the kitchen is full of ailing thingymajigs and it seems we are heading for a drought.

No politics today, same old, same old, but I see that the Church is not happy with the Millionaires Club Coalition, the Piss Poor Policy of welfare to work begins today, and: Prince Phil has decided that now he is Ninety he will “slow down” and have a bit of a rest.

Considering he has done fuck all “proper” work for the last seventy years his life won’t change that much.

Down in the County of surfing, extortionate car parking charges and lots of hills

It seems that the knobs want to rip off tourists even more. Under plans disclosed on Thursday tourists could be charged £1 for every night they stay throughout the county.

Town Hall bosses are investigating the tax proposals that they say will help pay for up-keeping infrastructure as the number of visitors dramatically increases in the summer months.

The council estimates such a “tourist tax” will raise an extra £25 million in revenue.

According to latest council figures, Cornwall's population swells from about 500,000 to more than five million during summer months. This, the council argued, places enormous pressure on the county and local services.

That should make Devon a lot more tempting...

And apparently it is going to cost even more to die

The cost of cremations is going up – because of toxic mercury fillings in the teeth of the dead.

By 2013 all UK crematoria must have filters to stop the metal leaking into the atmosphere when bodies are burnt.

Already Barnsley Council has increased fees by £18 to cover the added cost.

Do you get a discount if you have dentures?

Up in the smoke

When park workers removed a graffiti-covered discarded mattress, they had no idea they were dismantling a piece of modern art worth £1,000. The apparent rubbish was a work by Johnny Doe as part of the Art Free For All exhibition in Alexandra Park, north London. One of the organisers realised the workers' mistake in time and stopped them before they reached the tip.

The exhibition features works by 35 artists dotted around the park. Telegraph photographer Eddie Mulholland wandered around Alexandra Park taking pictures of objects that caught his eye.

Load of old bollocks (and rubbish).

Across the channel

The European Union's highest court officially reprimanded France for not doing enough to care for hamsters.

The Court determined the country had shown a lack of due care towards its dwindling population of the rodents

Things may be looking up for Frogs....

Dahn Unda and right a bit

Museums are vying to display the remains of New Zealand's most famous sheep, Shrek, and a church memorial in his honour has been postponed to accommodate global media interest, reports said Friday.

The merino became a celebrity in 2004, when he was found in a mountain cave six years after wandering off from his flock. He was sporting a massive fleece that made him appear three times his normal size.

The fleece was sheared for charity and weighed in at 27 kilograms (60 pounds), around six times the wool normally gathered from the average merino.

News of Shrek's death this week made the front pages of New Zealand newspapers and led television bulletins in a nation where sheep outnumber the human population of 4.3 million by almost 10 to one.

Mindful of the sheep's immense popularity, museums are reportedly keen to put Shrek's body on public display, a move that would confirm his status as a New Zealand icon alongside 1930s racehorse Phar Lap.

The country's national museum, Te Papa in Wellington, told the New Zealand Press Association (NZPA) it was in negotiations to exhibit the famous ovine.

Mutton dressed as a cardigan?

And finally:

Back in Blighty

Upwell Primary school plans to ban mums and dads from the annual sports day because of some parents’ concerns about their children mixing with “strangers”.

Now the Norfolk school could hold it behind closed doors for the first time in its 130-year history

Many parents are furious at the proposed ban which comes after members of the public attended a kids’ art event at Upwell – some parents kept their kids at home over concerns for pupils’ safety in mixing with visitors.

One angry mum said if the sports day ban went ahead many would keep their kids off school in protest. She fumed: “This is going to upset parents even more.”

Head teacher James McBurney said it had been a tough decision. He said: “It is with the greatest and sincerest regret that, in light of recent events, Sports Day is likely to take place without parents being invited.

“But we are prepared to postpone Sports Day until June 29 and decide nearer the time.”

Paranoid or what?

That’s it: I’m orf to cancel my Olympic tickets.

And today’s thought: Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

Angus

The Sunday Section

Undercover Fags: Berlusconi Battles on; Who makes the Law? Goldman Sachs Goldmine and Prince Philip





If you want the weather look to the left of the post, because it is too dark to tell.

Bit of a long winded post today, but persevere, you never know.

It seems that Gord may have shot himself in the foot over expenses; it also seems that 325 other MPs will face further inquiries over their extravagances.

Shame.

I am not a fan of ‘Boy Bands’ but the news today is that Stephen Gately has died while on holiday in Majorca, at 33 years old that is a tragedy for his family.



First up:

Would you like that in a ‘Brown’ paper bag sir?

Thousands of newsagents are threatening to boycott the Labour Party at the General Election if legislation is passed banning them from openly displaying cigarettes.

They believe the move - due to be debated by MPs this week - would drive hundreds of small retailers out of business.

A spokesman for the National Federation of Retail Newsagents told the BBC's Politics Show: "No-one wants to see youngsters smoking, but there is absolutely no evidence from the three other countries in the world that have introduced a display ban that it stops underage smoking.

"If the vote on Monday goes against newsagents - our 18,000 members - then they will vote with their feet. This will be very bad news for Gordon Brown."

Retailers say it will cost more than £250 million to implement the ban, because shops will have to be refitted after removing the displays.

The move is part of the Government's Health Bill, which was given its second reading in the Commons in June.

Ministers and health campaigners insist that putting cigarettes on open view encourages young people to buy them.

Daft idea, daft Government.

Berlusconi-Time for Porridge?

Now his get-out-of-jail card has been snatched from him, many think it's only a matter of time before he's finally nailed.

The reality, however, will be very different. The Italian judicial system works with all the speed of a snail and it's unlikely ever to catch up with an escapologist like Berlusconi. No case will come to court for months or, more probably, years, and even if he were found guilty there would then be two more levels of appeals to go through. It will be like watching a Sumo wrestler trying to catch a rabbit: intriguing for the first few minutes, but not much of a contest. Not least because Berlusconi has many other defences in his armour beyond immunity. He has proved himself a dab hand at side-stepping sentences by other means in the past - the statute of limitations was lowered, meaning crimes were past their "crime-by" date; certain offences were decriminalised - and he'll doubtless do so again.

To many it seems incredible that, with all these scandals and accusations, Berlusconi is still in power. But the truth is that, paradoxically, in some ways those scandals and accusations help keep him there. They allow him to play the role of the poor, persecuted victim. The more Italian judges, and us foreign journalists, accuse him of this or that, the more he is able to play a role with which many Italians truly identify: the hard-working man in the street who is humiliated by elitists and foreigners. With these looming trials, Berlusconi the multi-billionaire is, incredibly, able to present himself as an underdog, a role that - even more than that of the great seducer or the passionate football fan - endears him to the majority of the electorate.


Tobias Jones is author of The Dark Heart of Italy, Travels Through Time and Space Across Italy

The Human Rights act-taking away our human rights

An investigation has uncovered scores of cases where offenders from overseas, including killers and sex attackers, have been able to stay in Britain despite strenuous attempts by the Government to deport them.

The findings demonstrate how criminals are using the 1998 Human Rights Act to avoid being sent back to their homelands – despite a pledge by Gordon Brown to remove any foreigner who breaks the law.

In cases thought to have cost the taxpayer hundreds of thousands of pounds, immigration judges have overturned attempts by the Home Office to remove at least 50 foreign criminals from the country in the past 12 months, after lawyers argued that deporting them would breach their human rights.

In July 2007, shortly after becoming prime minister, Mr Brown told foreign nationals to "play by the rules or face the consequences", warning: "If you commit a crime you will be deported from our country."

Yet in several cases, criminals were allowed to remain in the UK despite courts acknowledging that they pose a danger to the public.

Foreign offenders who have won the right to stay in Britain include:

Mark Cadle from Belize, jailed for having sex with a 14-year-old girl, who judges said would have his human rights infringed if deported because his family live in Britain.

Rohail Spall, a Pakistani businessman man jailed for attempting to spike a woman's drink so he could rape her, but allowed to stay because deporting him would breach his right to family life.

A Pakistani man in his forties who indecently assaulted a friend's six-year-old daughter at a cinema. He was jailed for two years, but on release was allowed to remain in the UK on family grounds. He arrived in Britain as an adult but has several children who were born here.

A Somali with convictions including manslaughter and robbery, who the court said would be "at serious risk of persecution" if returned because he is from a minority clan.

The 50 cases, which were all rigorously opposed by the Home Office in court, include 15 criminals with convictions for violent crime, four sex offenders and 13 with drug convictions.

The total is likely to represent only the tip of the iceberg because they were all heard at the second tier of appeal, and many more criminals could have won the right to remain here at the lower level. Official figures are not available, according to the Home Office and the courts.

We are powerless in our own country, and even if we did deport them their countries would invoke the human rights act, saying it was against their human rights to accept murderers and rapists.

Bonuses are back

Goldman Sachs is set to unveil huge profits this week, putting the Wall Street bank on track to award as much as $22bn (£13.7bn) in pay and bonuses at the end of the year.

The profits, which could be as much as three times the level of last year, are the result of better business conditions but the size of the rewards – from which top bankers could receive multi-million pound packages – will set Goldman on a collision course with governments on both sides of the Atlantic.

Goldman will lead a series of bank results that defy the recession. JP Morgan, Citigroup and Bank of America are also set to unveil bumper results this week which could also convert to big payouts.

Goldman is expected to announce pre-tax profits of $3.5bn on revenues of $12bn for the three months of business up until the end of September. Nearly half of the revenues, around $6bn, will be put towards the annual remuneration package to be divided among staff, 5,500 of whom work in London.

Glad somebody is doing well-NOT.





And finally:

Prince Phil on remotes, and some quotes

Prince Philip says he is baffled by modern television remote controls and ends up lying on the floor by the set to operate it instead.

"I think people are very tolerant, the way they go on tolerating these ghastly things," the 88-year-old said, before laying into television set design.

"You used to put it on the floor and then they put the controls on the bottom so you had to lie on the floor. And then if you wanted to record something, the recorder was underneath.

"So you ended up lying on the floor with a torch in your teeth, a magnifying glass and an instruction book.

"Either that or you had to employ a grandson of age 10 to do it for you."

Some “Phil” quotes:

Are you Indian or Pakistani? I can never tell the difference between you chaps.

At Washington Embassy reception for Commonwealth members.

British women can't cook. They are very good at decorating food and making it attractive. But they have an inability to cook.

Addressing mainly female audience at Scottish Rural Women's Institute Display in 1966.

Do you still throw spears at each other?

To Australian Aborigines, during a visit to Queensland, 2002.

How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test.

To Scottish driving instructor, 1995.

If it has got four legs and is not a chair, if it has two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.

Commenting on Chinese eating habits to World Wildlife Fund conference in 1986.

If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.

To British students in China during Royal visit there in 1986.

People usually say that after a fire it's the water damage that's the worst. We're STILL trying to dry out Windsor castle.

To grieving residents of Lockerbie, Scotland, during a 1993 visit after a plane exploded and crashed into the town, killing everyone on board and several people on the ground (and shortly after a fire swept through one wing of Windsor Castle).

The bastards murdered half my family.

In room full of press agents, commenting on Russians in 1967, having been asked whether he would consider a visit there.

Love him or hate him?


Angus

AnglishLit

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

Angus Dei politico

SATURDAY SNIPPETS 8

First item-the Australian GP qualifying.

If like me you were fed up with he same old teams winning every race, watch the Qualifying on BBC1 at 1PM today, you won’t be disappointed.


That’s my bit out of the way, now for the “snippets”:



One small step for naan Two Indian air force personnel are set to be blasted into orbit by the end of the next decade as part of an ambitious 2.5-billion-dollar project that follows the country's successful unmanned lunar probe launch last year.

Dr A.S. Bawa, director of the Defence Food Research Laboratory (DFRL), said food scientists, biochemists and microbiologists had already begun identifying dishes that will make the pilots feel at home as they hurtle through space.

"It will have to be in freeze-dried form for the sake of lightness and compactness. We have started work on curries like chicken and mutton as well as spinach, peas and mushrooms," he told AFP by telephone.

Breakfast could include "upma" -- a southern Indian dish made from refined wheat or semolina -- to be eaten from a squeezable tube.

Can you imagine the after effects of a curry in a very small space with no way of getting fresh air?

Reminds me of the old joke “about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit”





Our Maj’s hubby has apparently done it again Palace denies Prince Philip 'sponger' gaffe Buckingham Palace denied Thursday that Prince Philip had made another of his notorious gaffes by calling pop impresario Simon Cowell a "sponger" who feeds off the stars on his shows.

Prince Philip, who is well-known for his unguarded comments over the years, allegedly made the remark while chatting to performers after a Royal Variety Show in London in December 2007.

"It was actually embarrassing, I was on a show where she (the Queen) comes on at the end of the show and you have to stand around for hours," Cowell reportedly told "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" earlier this week.

"It is called the Royal Variety Show, so she is in the audience. At the end, if you are involved in it, you have to stand around for hours and then say 'hello', and she ignored me and her husband called me a sponger."

Cowell added: "I think he was trying to be rude. I just mumbled something and he walked off."


Grow up Cowell, and anyway the truth hurts doesn’t it?





Mathematical model to forecast divorce A British mathematician has devised a formula to predict whether loved-up couples are bound to spend their lives together or end their marriages in divorce.

Oxford University professor James Murray said his formula successfully predicted whether a couple would divorce 94 percent of the time, in a study of 700 newly-married couples.

"Some couples might as well get divorced right away," said Murray, who was to present his findings to the Royal Society in London on Thursday, after receiving one of its oldest awards.

As part of the research Murray and his team filmed the newlyweds discussing contentious issues such as money or sex for 15 minutes, and graded each statement made during their respective turns of speech.

Statements with humour or affection were given positive scores, while those with defensiveness or anger were given negative ones. The resulting scores were used to identify whether the relationship was likely to stand the test of time.

The couples were then contacted over one to two year intervals over a period of 12 years, with Murray's formula correctly predicting the divorce rate with an accuracy of 94 percent.

Here are the official divorce rates in England and Wales; I really don’t think that we need to use a Mathematical formula before we get married to “predict” whether it is worth getting wed.




Healthy eating-US ballpark to sell 4,800-calorie burger a baseball park in Michigan has created an artery-busting hamburger containing 4,800 calories and is daring fans to eat the "snack," promising a free t-shirt to anyone who succeeds.

In an apparent bid to cook up some comfort food during hard economic times, the West Michigan Whitecaps are offering fans a behemoth dubbed the Fifth Third Burger, named after the team's ballpark and the meal's five beef patties, which each weigh one third of a pound (136 grams).

And guess what size the T-shirt will be (XXXXXXL)?



Runaway kangaroos on the loose in France Vandals set loose 15 kangaroos from an Australian theme park in southern France, sparking a major search operation, with three marsupials still on the loose.

When we arrived on Saturday morning, five pens had been broken open, their padlocks were smashed and the perimeter fence was torn in several places," said Carole Masson, owner of the nature reserve in southwestern Carcassonne.

"We had 15 missing kangaroos -- it was complete panic," she told AFP.
Fire-fighters, police and gendarmes were mobilised to track down the animals as they bounded through the woods.

"We found five in the park, and some more in the woods nearby. But three are still out there somewhere," Masson said, adding that a warning has gone out to local drivers for fear the animals could stray onto a nearby highway.

"They are not aggressive or nervous animals by nature," she said. "They're probably just grazing quietly away somewhere."


Well I suppose it makes a change from immigrants, and they could always tell them to hop it (I know).




And finally:

Yes it’s back Ryanair chief defends on-board toilet charge on Tuesday The head of Irish budget airline Ryanair Tuesday defended his plan to charge passengers to use on-board toilets, saying it would lead to "less passenger inconvenience" during flights.

Ryanair Chief Executive Michael O'Leary revealed last month the carrier was looking at the possibility of installing toilet doors in its planes which would only open with the insertion of a one pound coin (1.10 euros, 1.40 dollars).

"In our discussions with (aircraft maker) Boeing they haven't yet been able to manufacture a toilet door that will take coins in it," he told a news conference in Madrid Tuesday.

"But I think it's a logical development, if you use the toilet for example in train stations in England you pay to use the toilets. I don't see any reason why people on board an aircraft wouldn't pay to use the toilet."

He said the on-board charge would mean more passengers would use the toilets at airports, and would lead to "less passenger inconvenience on board the aircraft."

"We will charge for every possible thing we can think to charge for, but it will always be the passengers' choice whether they pay it or don't pay it," he said.

O'Leary said the company is now running an online competition to see what else the carrier can charge for on board.


I’ve got a competition he can enter-the world cheapskate and greed finals.

And if like me you get confused about this: the clocks go FORWARD tonight, we will then be in British Summer time-ha bloody-ha.


“I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures.” Robert Benchley


Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

NHS-THE OTHER SIDE