Bank bonus: 2,000 Sacked-but only for three months: Text neck: Jumbo jam: Bridge not over troubled water: Cat in a cup: and this is the road to a cell.

Tis bright, calm and bloody cold at the Castle this morn, the study is almost empty of misbehaving electronic boxes and the butler is out collecting fat teenagers for the furnace. 

I see that the old lady of Threadneedle Street has decided to give the banks £75 Billion to add to the £200 billion already in the W Bankers pockets to “buy” assets such as government bonds, in an attempt to boost lending by commercial banks. 

Didn’t work last time, so why try it again?

And Auntie has pledged to become “significantly smaller” by sacking 2,000 staff.

Snag is Auntie’s keeper Mark Thompson immediately struck a deal with unions to allow departing employees to return as freelances after three months.

The announcement that 2,000 jobs are to go across the corporation was undermined by the National Union of Journalists, which sent an email to staff confirming that it had secured an agreement that those who left under the cuts programme would be free to “return to the BBC on a freelance or casual basis after three months from their departure date”.

£205 million of savings will be found from programming budgets, including sweeping cuts to BBC Two’s daytime programming and fewer panel shows.

About £145 million will be redirected into a fund for high-quality content such as Panorama, children’s programming and BBC One’s prime-time schedule, as well as ensuring that Radio 4’s programming budget is not touched.

So F1 will go part time but the “good” news is that they will be keeping Strictly come bleedin dancing......

Apparently:

A new condition dubbed "text neck" is on the rise

The affliction, caused by flexing the neck for extended periods of time, can be a forerunner of permanent arthritic damage if it goes without treatment.

Cases of the repetitive strain injury are on the rise as smart phones and tablet computers such as the iPad become increasingly popular, experts said.

In severe cases the muscles can eventually adapt to fit the flexed position, making it painful to straighten the neck out properly.

One chiropractor said her company had treated thousands of patients for the condition, which can also result in headaches and shoulder, arm and wrist pain.

Rachael Lancaster, of Freedom Back Clinics in Leeds, said: "Text neck is caused by the neck being flexed for a prolonged period of time.

Simple answer-turn the bloody things orf......

Up North

An Elephant named Five decided to take a nap in the middle of the road at a West Midlands safari park, causing a “huge” traffic jam.

The 20-year-old African elephant laid across one of the roads at the safari park, much to the amazement of park visitors who were forced to sit in their cars until Five was ready to move.

The out-of-season warm October temperatures are believed to be the main cause of Five's relaxation stunt. However it was not too long until the elephant, weighing in at 11,000Ibs, went on his way to find somewhere less gravelly to rest.

Just a temporary Jumbo Jam then.

Across the big wavy thing on the left

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating the case of a stolen bridge, presumably dismantled to be sold as scrap metal.

The North Beaver Township bridge, made of corrugated steel and valued at about $100,000, was stolen sometime between Sept. 27 and Wednesday, the Ellwood City (Pa.) Ledger reported Thursday.

The 50-foot-long, 20-foot-wide bridge was near a railroad line in a wooded area not owned by the township. Its owner's name was not released.

Picture is of the South Beaver Township bridge.... couldn’t find one of the North Beaver bridge because someone has nicked it.....

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Coffee shop worker Mary Sullivan really got the jitters when the latte she was making turned into a Casper-cino.

She had just poured frothy milk into the cup when the apparition formed in the foam.

'It was very scary, I was petrified,' said the 51-year-old. 'It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It was one of a kind - I don’t think it'll ever happen again.'

She served it to Gary Breton, 48, a customer in Atlantic Coffee, Cardiff.

Nah-not Caspar it’s a cat.....

And finally:

Across to Essex

A pensioner who led police on a 27 mile low-speed chase at 10mph finally stopped after an officer tapped on her window while running alongside the car.

Caroline Turner, 76, ignored blue flashing lights, but eventually stopped when an officer ran alongside her on a dual carriageway and tapped on her window.

He asked her to stop and she said: "Why, what have I done?" a court heard.

The officer explained that her driving was unacceptable. She replied: "There is nothing to discuss, I'm going home."

She was detained in a police cell overnight on Tuesday (4 October) because officers feared her driving could lead to a fatal accident.

Turner sparked the major police operation after she drove the wrong way round a roundabout in Thorpe, Essex.

She veered onto the opposite side of the road into oncoming vehicles, then refused to stop as cops pursued her along the A12.

She was followed by an unmarked police car from Thorpe to Weeley to the A120 and on to the A12.

Her speed varied from 10mph to 20mph on the 27-mile "chase".

An officer left his vehicle, ran alongside her Ford Fiesta, tapped on the window and asked her to pull over after Turner ignored emergency flashing lights.

Police formed a rolling road block and closed the A12 when she refused to pull over. She was eventually pulled over at Marks Tey - eight miles after entering the dual carriageway.

 Nutty old fart....I'm amazed they could find a woodentop that can run at 10mph...

 That’s it: I’m orf to look for a quaternary rainbow-maybe somewhere over......... 

And today’s thought: Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
- Frank Dane.

Angus

Fireball CXCL5: Public rip orf: Teetotal teens: Data tsunami: Lucy still stands: Chipped flowers: Horn of a dilemma: and Body painting.

 Wet, windy and woe-some at the Castle this morn, the “workmen” finally came to repair the bollards and spent twenty minutes in the pouring rain with pneumatic hammers before buggering orf, his Maj has discovered that wet grass makes you leap about, and the study is half empty of broken doo dahs. 

I see that “experts” have discovered why sunburn hurts

Apparently it is because of a chemical in the body that triggers pain, CXCL5 as it is called, is produced when skin is burnt by UV rays from the sun.

I would have thought that the word “Sunburn” gave them a hint.....

And the knobs at the The Environmental Audit Committee

Have come up with a cunning plan-The government should use money from fuel duty to cut the price of public transport, according to a group of MPs.

The committee said that green taxes "cannot be all stick and no carrots" and it called for simple links to be made between taxing things that pollute and investing in more environmentally friendly alternatives.

Using fuel duty to cut the rising fares on buses and trains was given as a straightforward example. 

Here’s an idea-why not cut the fuel duty?

Apparently amid the constant furore surrounding binge drinking among Britain's young people, a quiet revolution is taking place. Increasing numbers are abstaining from alcohol in what appears to be a rejection of media stereotypes and peer pressure.

An annual survey of young people's drinking habits, to be published by the NHS Information Centre in two weeks, is expected to show another rise in the number of young teenagers who have never had a drink. This follows nine years of steady increases in the proportion of 11 to 15 year olds who have never tried alcohol, from 39 per cent in 2001 to 49 per cent last year.

And we all know how truthful teenagers are.......

 U-Turn Cam will open a huge data archive to the public

People will get a new right to know how well their GPs, hospitals, schools and transport services are performing under ground-breaking proposals to be announced today.

David Cameron will force public bodies to publish a mountain of data so consumers can measure the performance of the services they use in what ministers are hailing as the biggest exercise in open government in the world.

The shake-up will reveal:

* Clinical outcomes of every GP practice;

* Complaints made about every NHS hospital;

* Performance of clinical teams in hospitals in treating different conditions including lung cancer;

* Success rates of schools in teaching high-, average- and low-attaining pupils in different subjects;

* Sentences passed by courts, including the age, gender and ethnicity of criminals;

* Re-offending rates of people sent to prison;

* Real-time data on traffic congestion, speeds and incidents on the roads;

* The performance of train operators;

* All government purchases made on procurement cards worth more than £500 after controversy over the use of credit cards. 

That’ll help with paying the bills......

 Over the wet thing to the left

Lucy the Elephant, a building that has stood on the Jersey Shore for almost 130 years, survived her second lightning strike in four years almost unscathed.

Richard Helfant, head of Save Lucy, said air conditioning, computers and other electrical systems were damaged by the hit early Sunday, The Press of Atlantic City reported. But the structure of the building in Margate appeared unharmed.

In May 2007, lightning hit the howdah, the carriage on Lucy's back. It had to be lowered to the ground for repairs and then hoisted back up at a total cost of $162,000.

"They say lightning doesn't strike twice," Helfant said. "They lied."

Which is why Lucy was never used as a bus depot-bad conductor.

 Dahn in Devon

Flower beds are being micro-chipped by town hall bosses in a hi-tech effort to beat thieves.

East Devon District Council thinks professionals are targeting its shrubs – including 60 heather plants taken from a gallery – as prices rocket.

It is buying the chips, similar to those used for pets, for a few pence and will save thousands. It said: “If someone is found with our plants there can be no argument – they are definitely stolen.” 

Isn’t modern technology wonderful?

 Over in the land of Belgians

A stuffed rhinoceros head was stolen from the Brussels Natural History Museum, the second such robbery in Belgium in less than a month.

"At closing time, the head of a black 'Diceros bicornis' rhinoceros exhibited in the Mammals gallery was stolen by three people," the museum said in a statement issued after the Tuesday heist.

The rhino robbers fled to a waiting car with a driver, with museum guards in hot pursuit. "They got away before we could catch then," the museum added. 

Methinks they need younger security staff.....

 

And finally: 

Austrian body painting

I only have one comment-why?

 That’s it: I’m orf to impregnate my smelly socks.

 And today’s thought: No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 Angus