Perceiving old age: Non-existent complaints: 20,000-volt Tesla coil lightning-blasting Nerf gun: Dog-sheep: and a rubbish motor.

Usual lack of warm, just as much solar stuff, quite a lot of atmospheric movement and gallons of evaporated skywater at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, the place was awash with interweb robots and one actually managed to crash into me while I was stood still trying to choose which flavour Dreamies to purchase for himself. 

And I have finally finished the antibiotics for my toofache...

 

According to an “official survey”

We think that we become old farts at 59 years, two months and two weeks; government researchers interviewed 2,162 Blightyites to determine this crucial “fact”.

And allegedly the age of no longer being young starts at 40 years, eight months and two weeks.

On average, women think old age starts at 60 years, four months and two weeks. Men think it starts at 58 - potentially because they tend to live shorter lives.

Those under 50 say old age begins staggeringly early - at just 46. But for those over 50, they say it begins at 62-and-a-half.

Those living in council housing say old age begins five years earlier than those who own their homes.

 

And the unemployed say middle age begins a huge nine years earlier than those in full time work.

Men believe they stop feeling young early than women do, at 38-and-a-half rather than 42 years and nine months.

Among 16 to 24-year-olds, this marker of middle age begins at 32. The over-80s believed that for them it began at 52 - just two years after the youngest group believed old age begins.

A spokesman for the Department for Witless Pillocks said “the disparity in perceptions” of ageing showed “the potential for age stereotypes to be applied in very inconsistent ways".

 

Who pays for this bollocks in this age of austerity-oh yes; we do....

 

All over our brown and muddy land

Film classification chiefs have seen "a spike" in the number of people complaining about a controversial film portraying Jesus and his disciples as gay men - even though it does not exist.

The British Board of Film Classification's (BBFC) senior examiner Craig Lapper said there was a "constant issue" with rumours that a movie version had been made of a controversial play called Corpus Christi.

The play, by Terrence McNally, is set in modern-day America and deals with issues including gay marriage but has never been made into a film.

Mr Lapper said: "I think it was a bit of an internet hoax several years ago suggesting a film was being made of the play in which Jesus and his disciples were portrayed as homosexuals, and I can remember replying to people concerned about this blasphemous film back in the late 1990s.

"And this year again, for whatever reason, there was another spike in people writing to us to insist that we ban this terrible blasphemous film. We just had to write back and say, 'This film doesn't exist'."

The BBFC received six complaints about it in 2011 and another two queries this year, with complainants often asking them to ban the film on the grounds it is blasphemous and offensive.

 

Eight whole complaints in two years, staggering...

 

Left to the home of cheap Leccy and the land of bright sparks

 

US basement hacker Rob Flickenger has “invented” a 20,000-volt Tesla coil lightning-blasting Nerf gun.

After brushing up on his physics using online MIT courses, Flickenger, through trial and error, setup the interior circuits.

"I'd switch it on, and nothing would happen, so I'd switch it off. Then I'd switch it on again and set something on fire," he told Popsci.com. In the end he used the transformer from an old television -- the current from an 18-volt lithium-ion battery flows through a circuit series over and over again, doubling the power each time. It then flows into a Cornell Dubilier capacitor bank, which stores it until it reaches 20,000 volts -- at this point, the current can jump between two tungsten wires, creating a spark (this part is housed in porcelain and a computer fan is fixed nearby to make sure it doesn't get too hot). The current jumps from one wire to the next, then feeds through to one coil (insulated high-voltage wire), then the next (plumbing pipe wrapped in copper wire). This process induces a magnetic field, which in turn creates an electrical field at the gun's nose and finally, the bursts of electric blue lightening.

It took him nine months to build and was made using cheap everyday objects like old cans, an old TV and a lithium-ion battery from a drill. The total cost came to around $800 (£500) and, after nine long months tinkering away at it, Flickenger debuted the lightning bolt gun at his wedding reception.

 

 Bet that went with a bang.....

 

Back in up Norf-ish Blighty

Timmy the sheep thinks he’s a dog. He even sleeps in a kennel and goes for walkies.

Timmy was rescued by farmers Samantha and Eric Perry after being orphaned when he was just few days old.

He bonded instantly with the couple’s dogs while being bottle-fed at their home in Aston-on-Trent, Derbyshire.

Samantha, 42, said: “Timmy definitely thinks he’s a dog – he always has.

“His favourite food is dog biscuits. When we take the dogs for a walk, he thinks nothing of coming along with us.”

Timmy, who is 18 months old, was brought up with Yorkshire terrier Poppy, Shih tzu Daisy-May, terrier Tyson, Jack Russell Sapphire, and Jack Russell cross Barney.

Now weighing 200lb, he has a new pal, Pandora, a tiny Chihuahua.

Samantha said: “He is great with her and all the other dogs. The fact that he thinks he’s a dog just adds a little eccentricity.”

 

I’d rather add a little mint sauce....

 

And finally:

 

Back to the left quite a way

According to the owner,  this pile of bits is worth a million Dollars, Antti Rahko's scrap metal stretch limo, the Finnjet, was insured for a million for its trip to star in the recent Essen Motor Show in Germany - and will likely have a similar asking price when it goes up for sale shortly.

Rahko, a former chauffer from Finland now living in the US state of Florida, spent 10 years building the Finnjet from scrap parts grafted onto a platform from two Mercedes-Benz 300TD station wagons.

It stretches over eight metres long and weighing in at 2.78 tonnes - and just in case that size isn't enough to catch your eye - the bizarre behemoth sports 86 lights, 36 mirrors and two natty jet engine housings containing the exhausts.

 

It ain’t what you ask for it-it’s what you get for it that counts...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find a Giant Panda (just in case the toofache comes back)

 

And today’s thought:

New SAS squad formed....

 

 

Angus

Bum MP: Democracy on Facebook: Camel Jumping: Bangers and Cupcakes: and a half ton Sturgeon.

Sunnyish, clearish, calmish and coldish at the Castle this morn, bit late (again) because the interweb thingy went tits up (again), I think it is the router which isn’t....routing...

But the delay did give me time to potter round the grounds and snap the things that are blooming.

Some blue stuff (with a touch of pink stuff)

Some white stuff

More blue stuff

More white stuff

Some strawberry stuff

And his blurry Maj waiting to play with one of his sticks

Up to the sinking Palace of Westminster

Energy Minister Charles Hendry has it seems reverted to his days as a fag at Rugby school by sitting on his senior colleague Ed Davey's lap.

Old habits die hard...

And North more than a smidge to the land of snow and volcanoes

Iceland is using Facebook to rewrite its constitution: citizens can use the social network to make their own suggestions, engage in online debates, or follow the proceedings in real-time.

Two thirds of Iceland’s population (approximately 320,000) is on Facebook, so the constitutional council’s weekly meetings are broadcast live not only on the council’s website, but on the social network as well. “It is possible to register through other means, but most of the discussion takes place via Facebook,” Berghildur Bernhardsdottir, spokeswoman for the constitutional review project, told the Associated Press. “The sort of argumentative and negative discussion that has been common on Icelandic blogs and news sites, especially since the economic collapse, has been almost entirely absent.”

The comprehensive review of the constitution is being carried out with the direct participation of the Icelandic people. The Internet component is the most direct route for most Icelanders to have their say: members of the public must provide their names and addresses, and can then submit online recommendations, which are approved by local staff to avoid Internet heckling. The ideas are then passed on to the council, and are open for discussion online.

Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club coalition take note....

East oodles of thingies

The men of the Zaraniq tribe, on the west coast of Yemen, have a truly unique tradition – they jump over a row of camels just like modern daredevils jump over cars.

Famous throughout Yemen for their speed, strength and courage, the members of the Zaraniq tribe are the world’s only professional camel jumpers. Taking running starts, jumpers try to sail over as many camels as possible, before tumbling to the ground. During camel jumping events, the one who leaps over the highest number of camels is considered the winner. “This is what we do,” says Bhayder Mohammed Yusef Qubaisi, one of the champions of the Tihama-al-Yemen, a desert plain, on the coast of the Red Sea.

When I read “Camel jumping” I thought-well they don’t have any sheep....

Somewhere on the post Jurassic Fart world

Culinary ‘genius’ Stef of The Cupcake Project saw that two of the great joys of the human experience, sausage and cupcakes, need not be separate. Her cupcakewurst consists of cupcake batter poured into hog sausage casings (pig intestines), then baked.

Num, num......not....

And finally:

East again to the land that likes eggs boiled in piss

A sturgeon weighing more than half a ton has been caught fishermen in northeast China.

The 617kg Kaluga fish was caught on Tuesday in Heilongjiang River, at Tongjiang, a city that borders Russia in northeast China.

The Kaluga is a large predatory sturgeon only found in the Heilongjiang River basin. Chen Lin, the fisherman who caught the fish said it was the biggest he had ever seen. Chen, along with fellow fishermen, sent the fish to a local sturgeon breeding station.

According to breeders, the sturgeon is a female and is currently carrying about 1.2 million eggs. Staff at the station will collect the roe and implement artificial insemination. The fish fry will be released into the Heilongjiang River.

Kaluga fish are believed to have existed for 130 million years and are claimed to be the largest freshwater fish in the world. The fish is listed as critically endangered, having been fished to near extinction for its valuable roe.

Which thankfully are not boiled in piss...

 That’s it: I’m orf to add lobster vision to my binoculars

And today’s thought:

Sheep jumping

Angus

Mental MPs: M25 meander: Yoof of today?: Plastic sheep pens: Mental EU: and some more street art.

‘Tis hurling it down at the Castle this morn, the air is moving faster than the fastest thing you could think of and the liquid metal gauge is whimpering in the corner.

The trip to the dentist yestermorn took a bit longer than expected, but after some jabs, a lot of drilling and a second shower I now have a shiny new front “toof”, which was produced on the magic laser guided printer thingy while I waited.

I think I am going mental myself, I sorted this out at six of the am and then forget to publish it....

Apparently MPs need annual mental health checkups

According to Dr Ashley Weinberg heavy workloads and absence from their families may affect politicians' abilities to do their jobs.

He suggests the tests should involve whether MPs have confidence in themselves, their ability to make decisions, their emotional state and whether stress levels are affecting their sleep.

"We need to discover whether MPs are suffering from extreme stress, depression or anxiety. In any working population twenty per cent may well be."

He also says David Cameron should have a regular "behind the scenes" test of his mental well-being.

I’ll second that, but how about testing them BEFORE they become MPS...

All around the Smoke

It was a car trip around the M25 to see his baby grandson which should have taken him just 60 minutes.

But Dennis Leighton, 82, got lost along the way – and was eventually found by police 30 HOURS after setting off.

The shattered grandfather had spent two freezing nights in his vehicle and neighbours said yesterday he was being treated in hospital for hypothermia.

Widower Dennis was believed to be “confused” and was “very grateful” when he was found by officers yesterday.

A source said: “He had been driving around the south of the country, predominantly on the M25 motorway, but had also gone on to some A-roads in the area.

“We think he stopped to catch up on some much-needed sleep, in a motorway service area, before setting off again.”

He set off at 7.30pm on Monday from his home in Windsor, Berks. Ahead of him was a 53-mile journey to his daughter Hazel King’s family home in Swanley, Kent.

It was an anti-clockwise trip round the M25 – turning off at junction three – which he had done many times.

But when he failed to arrive, 40-year-old Hazel, who married husband Peter on her dad’s 70th birthday, became worried and called the police.

Dennis’s car was spotted the next day at 11.20am by a number-plate recognition camera on the M25 at Dartford, Kent.

He was only six miles away from Hazel – but he had driven too far along the M25. His silver Vauxhall Astra Estate was then not seen again for another 13 hours. Dennis was finally found at the wheel by police officers in South London at around 12.45am yesterday morning

And I thought I was a daft old fart-should have bought a satnav....

Still in busted, broke bollixed up Blighty

A British teenager has threatened to kill Santa Claus if she doesn't get what she wants.

"This Christmas, I don't ask for much, so if I don't get at least two of the things I want, I will literally kill you! Do you understand?! Oh, also, I'll hunt down your reindeers, cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Christmas Day," Mekeeda Austin, 13, wrote in her letter, the Daily Mail reported. "No one wants that, so here's what I want."

The girl lists a BlackBerry, money, a dress, high-top Converse shoes and the real Justin Bieber.

"Remember, two of these or you die," she wrote, signing it, "Love from Keedy."

Her mother found the letter and said she thought the letter was humorous, and she'll try to get her daughter everything she wants.

"I know it sounds like she is spoiled but I like to get my daughter what she wants, also you don't want to get on the wrong side of her," Tracey Soares told the newspaper, although she admitted getting the Canadian pop singer might be difficult because Bieber "will be busy with (his) own (family) on Christmas Day

Austin told the reporter she didn't see any problem with the letter.

"I want all of these things and I don't see why I shouldn't get them," she said.

I know what I would give her....

Dahn to the bottom of our wet and windy land

Six green plastic sheep on a West Sussex roundabout have been put behind bright yellow safety barriers to stop drivers thinking they are real.

The fake flock was installed at the junction on the A283 in Shoreham to promote the South Downs National Park, reports the BBC.

A West Sussex County Council spokeswoman said: "The sheep are bright green so they are not mistaken for the real thing.

"However, because some motorists have expressed concerns that the sheep are real, temporary roadwork barriers were placed around them two weeks ago."

The promotion was part of a scheme in which companies and organisations could sponsor a roundabout by paying for maintenance and improvements.

"For larger roundabouts, such as A283 Shoreham, we expect a feature such as a sculpture or enhanced planting to be provided," added the spokeswoman.

"We are discussing a long-term solution with the sponsor."

Bloody baa-rmy Elfandsafety  Jobsworths...

 And talking of barmy

According to the EU prunes do not have a laxative effect and producers cannot say that they do.

It comes after the organisation was mocked last month a ruling that led to a ban on claims that drinking water can prevent dehydration.

Despite a long held belief that prunes, traditionally served with custard, are good for improving bowel function, the European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) has ruled this is not the case.

Its experts said there was "insufficient" evidence of a link between the dried plums and normal bowel function after looking at three studies of prune consumption.

Last February, an EFSA paper reported: "The Panel concludes that the evidence provided is insufficient to establish a cause and effect relationship between the consumption of dried plums of 'prune' cultivars (Prunus domestica L.) And maintenance of normal bowel function.

The authority had been asked to investigate claims that prunes ensure healthy digestion and bowel function.

In two studies, it was claimed there was no significant difference to participants after eating prunes.

Feed the Pratts on prunes for a week or so and then wait for the conclusion....

And finally:

Some nice art to cheer up your day.

That’s it: I’m orf to keep an eye on a black hole

And today’s thought:

Angus

Cooking with gas: Stumpy Numpty: Down the drain: Bugarach magic: Don’t do it yourself: and a flying sheep.

Tipping it down at the Castle this morn, just returned from Tesco after purchasing the usual-stale bread, gruel and pussy food, and I dropped into the fuel forecourt bit to buy a pint of petrol, went in to pay and I see that the recession has hit hard-Tesco is now giving just one point for every two gallons of go juice-half of the previous amount.

That should help turnover.

His majesty has discovered rolled up foil balls, he has a nice collection of  twenty or so which he hides under the wardrobes, behind the washing machine and anywhere else he can think of so that I will make another and then recovers them and puts them all in a neat pile.

I won’t mention the Microsoft word....still trying to recover my data.....

The Piss Poor Policies Coalition Millionaires Club has announced that 800,000 of the poorest pensioners will be among the first to receive the new Warm Home Discount, worth at least £120 this year.

Payments are also expected to be made to disadvantaged families, the disabled and the long-term sick.

Energy companies are to be required by law to give rebates totalling £1.1 billion over the next four years, three times as much as they provided under the previous voluntary arrangements.

The regulations introducing the new scheme are already in force, according to the Department for Energy and Climate Change. The Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne, said: “The Warm Home Discount will give the most vulnerable pensioners practical help to manage rising energy bills through an annual rebate. Energy companies will be required by law to provide this support.”

 

And what will the “Energy” companies do? Put up their prices to cover the loss.

Up North

For five years Sean Murphy was driven to distraction by a painful blemish that no amount of creams, ointments or doctors' appointments could cure.

So he came up with his own radical and permanent procedure to remove the stubborn wart forever - he blasted it with a 12-bore shotgun.

But not only did the blast take off almost his entire finger, it also left him facing 15 years in jail for the illegal possession of a firearm.

Yesterday, with only a stump to show for the middle of his left hand, and a suspended 16-week prison sentence, he insisted he had no regrets.

“I’m happy with that,” he said outside Doncaster Magistrates’ Court, South Yorkshire.

 Pillock.....

Even further North

A businessman tore up and flushed a handful of 'fake' £20 notes down the toilet - only to later find they were real.

The man, who does not wish to be named, was among a number of businessmen led to believe their cash was counterfeit on the Western Isles of Scotland.

It happened after bank staff became suspicious of £10 and £20 notes on the Isle of Lewis and a police inquiry was launched, reports STV.

The town's banks and many local shops stopped accepting £10 and £20 notes and purchased ultra-violet scanners in a bid to catch the counterfeit notes.

But the 'fake' notes have since been scrutinised by experts from the Serious Organised Crime Agency who pronounced them all absolutely genuine.

The businessman complained: "This is a right mess and it was caused by the RBS and Bank of Scotland.

"I tore up the £20 notes returned to me by the bank as fakes and I put them down the toilet to stop them getting back into circulation.

"I thought that was my public duty. How do I prove that and who is going to compensate me?"

 Pass......

Across the bit over the Chunnel

A small French town has come under scrutiny by the official cult watchdog after droves of visitors descended on it, claiming it is the only place on Earth that will survive a 2012 apocalypse.

A report by the watchdog, Miviludes, published yesterday said the village of Bugarach near Carcassonne should be monitored in the run-up to 21 December, 2012, when the gullible say the world will end, according to a supposed Mayan prophecy.

Bugarach (population 200), has long been considered magical, partly due to what locals claim is an "upside-down mountain" where the top layers of rock are older than the lower ones.

Mr Fenech said he recently visited Bugarach, and found six settlements set up by members of the American Ramtha School of Enlightenment. Other "gurus" and messianic groups have been organising fee-paying conferences at local hotels. "This is big business," he said.


Good luck with that....

Over the whatnot to the left

Sales of suicide kits, like the do-it-yourself asphyxiation hood used by a man to kill himself late last year, could soon be outlawed in the state of Oregon.

The state's House of Representative passed the bill on Monday to ban the products. It must now be considered in the state Senate, which passed similar legislation in May.

Sponsors say the bill would in no way impinge on a landmark 1997 state law legalizing physician-assisted suicides for terminally ill individuals in Oregon.

Washington is the only other state with such a statute on the books.

The newly passed Oregon bill was sparked by notoriety surrounding an elderly California woman who sells self-asphyxiation kits through a mail-order business, and the December suicide of one of her customers from Eugene, Oregon, 29-year-old Nicholas Klonoski.

 No repeat business there then....

 And finally:

 Right a lot to Welsh Wales

Fire fighters risked life and 'lamb' to rescue a sheep - which was stuck on the roof of a house.

Residents dialled 999 after the sheep was spotted scrambling across roof tiles in the remote village of Pontycymer, South Wales.

A team from Bridgend Fire and Rescue Service took 40 minutes to bring the animal down from the terraced row using a Large Animal Rescue appliance.

A spokesman for Bridgend Fire and Rescue Service said the sheep had got onto the roof by climbing up from a garage at the rear of the terrace.

He said: "We have never had anything like that before, though we have found sheep in some difficult places. 

I am not even going to mention those boots by Wellington.

 That’s it: I’m orf to oscillate some Neutrinos.

And today’s thought: Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Angus

SATURDAY SNIPPETS 2

The power of advertising

From The Telegraph Liverpool Street Station was brought to a standstill by 12,000 people copying the T-Mobile advert.

The event was organised on Facebook. The crowd, who were all listening to music through headphones, broke into dance at 7pm on Friday night in a scene which aped the advert which was filmed at the station last month.
The flash mob caused police to close the station for around 90 minutes due to fears of overcrowding.
Participants, some of whom had travelled hundreds of miles to take part, said the station was so packed that there was no room to dance.

Wonder if there were any sheepdogs present?

Two pints of milk and a joint please

A milkman delivered cannabis to pensioners on his rounds to help ease their "aches and pains", a court has heard.

His customers left him notes on the doorstep asking for the drug to be left with their daily pint. When his Ford Transit van was searched, officers found 15 wraps of cannabis, weighing 178 grams, stashed in egg crates. The Class B drug was divided into various different weights and had a street value of £450.

He was sentenced to 36 weeks in prison suspended for a year, the decision to spare Holding jail was an "act of mercy" because his wife had Alzheimer's and depended on his care.

Click on the link and take a look at the photograph and all will be revealed.

Oh S**T

A student has lost seven years of research after a bag containing 77 Kilos of rare butaan lizard excrement he had collected rom the rainforest in the Phillipines was thrown out.

"But to me it represented seven years of painstaking work searching the rainforest with a team of reformed poachers to find the faeces of one of the world's largest, rarest and most mysterious lizards.

"Its loss left me reeling and altered the course of my life forever." He said. The University has offered him 500 pounds in compensation and an apology, after the student lodged an official complaint about the loss.
But Bennett says this is not enough, and has vowed to "see them in court".
"Whether it was the largest collection of lizard sh** in the world is uncertain," he said.


It all sounds like a load of crap to me.

Try and try again, and again, and again, and again……

A South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test 771 times, police said Thursday, but a local newspaper reported she will keep trying.

The 68-year-old, identified only by her last name Cha, has taken the test almost every working day since 2005 in the south-western city of Jeonju. She failed again Monday for the 771st time.

Police estimate she has spent almost five million won (3,600 dollars) to take the written test, with each test costing 6,000 won in addition to other expenses.


I have absolutely no comment.

Here are some strange newspaper articles.

And finally.

Our beloved leader the one ey…perhaps not, has managed to do it again, the national flag was displayed upside-down at a ceremony with visiting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao.

Even worse, observers note teasingly that the gaffe reflects his current political woes, since traditionally flying the flag upside-down on a ship signifies that it is in distress.
The red white and blue flag, commonly known as the Union Jack, was proudly in place at a ceremony to sign a business deal in Brown's Downing Street office on Monday.

But eagle-eyed observers noted that the flag was mistakenly attached upside-down on the wooden stick, placed on the table in front of Business Secretary Peter Mandelson.

Mike Kearsley, director general of the Flag Institute said "I'm surprised that people of the calibre of Mandelson and the prime minister could allow such as mistake.”


I’m not!

Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. (It is a wise man who speaks little.)



Angus
NHS

Angus Dei politico