Werritty walks: Morgue Money: California Walnut nicker: Nut behind the wheel: Boston split: and Choc Frocks.

More than a lot of skywater, just as much lack of warm, even less atmospheric movement and sod all solar stuff at the Castle this November morn.

Orf out to somewhere to do something later and his Maj has discovered the joy of snail stalking.

 

Somewhere in the halls of “justice”

The CPS (crap prosecuting service) has decided that the self-styled adviser to former defence secretary Liam Fox will not face criminal charges.

Adam Werritty was under investigation after describing himself as Mr Fox's (who resigned last year after being found guilty of breaching the ministerial code over his relationship with Mr Werritty, whom he met 40 times in the Ministry of Defence and on trips abroad)  adviser on business cards and allegedly accepting donations. Andrew Penhale from the Crown Prosecution Service said: "We have advised City of London Police there is insufficient evidence to provide a realistic prospect of conviction."

 

So the old it’s not what you know but who you know still reigns supreme...

According to the Torygraph

Almost two thirds of NHS trusts using the Liverpool Care Pathway have received payouts totalling millions of pounds for hitting targets related to its use.

Apparently figures, obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, reveal the full scale of financial inducements for the first time.

They suggest that about 85 per cent of trusts have now adopted the regime, which can involve the removal of hydration and nutrition from dying patients.

More than six out of 10 of those trusts - just over half of the total - have received or are due to receive financial rewards for doing so amounting to at least £12million.

At many hospitals more than 50 per cent of all patients who died had been placed on the pathway and in one case the proportion of foreseeable deaths on the pathway was almost nine out of 10.

The LCP was originally developed at the Royal Liverpool University Hospital and the city’s Marie Curie hospice to ease suffering in dying patients, setting out principles for how they to be treated.

It involves the withdrawal of treatments or tests from patients which doctors believe could cause distress and do more harm than good.

 

Last night the Department of Health insisted that the payments could help ensure that people were “treated with dignity in their final days and hours”.

 

Load of old Bollocks-notice the word “could”?

  

Over to the bit of America that isn’t under water

Authorities on the West Coast were embroiled in a seriously nutty mystery: the disappearance of 80,000 pounds of walnuts, stolen in two instalments, from Northern California.

The walnuts were first reported missing Friday by workers at a freight brokerage firm. Workers called the Tehama County Sheriff's Office to say that a truckload of walnuts, purchased by Seattle Company F.C. Bloxom and Co., never reached their destination in Miami.

The incident was then matched to a similar theft a few days earlier. A heist on Oct. 23 involved 40,000 pounds of walnuts, which were picked up in Los Molinos, Calif., but never arrived in Texas, where they were expected, NBC 5 Dallas-Fort Worth notes.

According to the Redding Searchlight, authorities believe the two crimes could be the work of the same individual-- a "suspicious delivery driver" with a tall build and strong Russian accent.

The man is said to be 6 feet 2 inches tall and driving a white semi. The 80,000 pounds of walnuts were valued at about $300,000.

 

Ah; the old squirrel disguised as a Russian ploy eh-it’s been a long time since I had a white semi.....

 

Back in Blighty and up to Essex

Marcus Lamm, 21, tried to squeeze through the closing barriers across the railway in Manningtree, Essex, But he got stuck behind a slow agricultural vehicle and did not make it across before the barriers closed, trapping him on the tracks.

The First bus was empty, apart from the driver, but had only just dropped off children from local schools.

Lamm, of Willow Way, Jaywick, admitted driving without due care and attention when he appeared at Colchester Magistrates' Court yesterday.

Representing himself, he said: "I had been sitting waiting for the train to come past with the barrier down.

"It came up and I followed with the traffic that was moving.

"It was safe at the time. I didn't see any lights as I went through but obviously they were flashing.

"I don't know what happened between me moving off and getting stuck."

Lamm, a former Tendring Technology College student, said he has lost his job with First as a result of the incident on July 19. He is now a bus driver with New Horizon Travel, in Frating.

 

Oh well; that’s alright then, as long as the cupid stunt is still driving buses.

 

Over to the bit of America that is under water

 

A Massachusetts fisherman has caught a creepy-looking lobster that's coloured to match Halloween.

The New England Aquarium says the 1-pound female lobster has an orange side and a black side, with the colours split perfectly down the middle.

Marine officials say such coloration is estimated to occur once in every 50 million lobsters.

The fisherman who caught the seasonally coloured crustacean in a trap last week is from Beverly, a seaside community 20 miles northeast of Boston.

The rare lobster is known as a split. Aquarium officials said Wednesday splits have been caught in Maine, Rhode Island and Nova Scotia in the last 10 years.

 

Schizophrenic crustacean...

 

And finally:

 

Back over to the bit of what is left of Europe where the big iron pylon resides

 

Some tasty looking outfits, including a naughty but nice bra, were showcased at a chocolate show in Paris.

 

They also featured chocolate truffle wings and a kimono sprinkled with confectionery flowers.

The delicious dresses were made for the 18th annual Salon Du Chocolat trade fair.

 

Fashion designers and chocolatiers joined forces inspired by the theme “The New Worlds of Chocolate” to create the outfits

 

Num-num- num, and the frocks aren’t bad either...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to get some re-healable concrete for the Castle.

 

And today’s thought:

When you said do you want some nuts, I never expected THAT!!

 

 

Angus

A shitty rant: ‘Ampshire accident: Cycle of cupid stunts: Touting the law: Potty old farts: and a Dead Roach Gobbler.

Vast amounts of lack of warm, volumes of non atmospheric movement, very little solar activity and vadose precipitation of skywater at the Castle this morn.

 

First a rant:

After plastering over the whiplash marks on the master bedroom walls yestermorn I settled dahn with a nice cup of milky coffee to watch the lying, greedy, inept, brain dead CONTories (think I spelt that right, should there be a U in there somewhere?) on the TV.

And what should drop onto the portcullis welcome mat but this:

 

A missive from fucking Thames Water who want to build a ‘super sewer’ forty miles away from the Castle in the shitty Smoke to rid the big watery thing of floating human logs.

Fair enough I thought as fucking Thames Water somehow manage to treat the Castle’s nasty stuff, it was very nice of them to let me know.

Then I read on-“sewerage charges (which you pay as part of your overall water bill) will need to rise from current levels to pay for this work. It is estimated to be in the range of £70-80 per year).

Apparently “work is due to start in 2014 and finish in 2023 (har fucking har) and is “necessary” because the E-fucking-U has set new ‘legal environmental standards’

 Now:

As stated the Castle is some forty miles from what is laughingly called the “Capitol” and even I won’t visit the shithole let alone send my turds there, and they want me to cough up £560-720 so that the eight million squatters in London can flush their toilets in line with fucking EU directives.

Apart from the fact that I can’t afford the money, and that I will probably be an ex-Angus by 2023 I lean towards the idea that those who actually live in Turdtown should pay for the ‘Super Shit Tunnel’ not those who reside in ANOTHER FUCKING COUNTY more that a marathon’s worth of mileage away.

 

Rant over-fucking Thames Water...

 

Still in expensive ‘Ampshire

Apparently motorists are facing chaos today after a dramatic accident forced the closure of one of the south’s major roads.

The A34 has been closed in both directions after a car transporter being towed by a recovery truck broke free and smashed through the central reservation barrier.

The accident happened at Whitchurch just after 11pm last night also sent cars on the transporter spilling across the road.

As a result police have said that the road, which links the M3 with the Midlands will be closed for most of the day for repairs.

Diversions have been put in place but a police spokesman urged drivers to find alternative routes as the road is likely to remain closed for most of today to allow for repairs to the road surface and barriers.

 

Probably is a relief for those who have to go to the midlands...

 

Up a bit to another Shire

 

One cyclist enjoys tons of room to ride over the daftest footbridge crossing in Britain – while pedestrians struggle to stay close to the railings on either side.

Less than a foot has been left for pushchairs, wheelchairs and mobility scooters – and locals at Stevenage have protested to Hertfordshire Highways that it is impossible for many users not obstruct the cycle lane.

Salesman Luke Pygle, 26, said: “You would have to be pretty slim to walk within the lines.”

A highways spokesman said: “The lines are there to stop cyclists careering into railings.”

And they have promised to turn a blind eye to non-cyclists using the lane.

 

Nice of them....

 

Dahn Unda

 

A Brazilian student is auctioning off her virginity to raise cash to build homes for poverty-stricken families.

Catarina Migliorini, 20, is set to plough the money into a fund to build modern houses for the needy in her home state of Santa Catarina.

Director Justin Sisely will record her emotions before and after her first sexual encounter. A male virgin called Alexander is also being followed.

Miss Migliorini will receive £12,500 and 90% of the final auction price, currently standing at £120,000, which ends on 15 October.

The encounter will take place on an airplane flying between Australia and the US, to circumvent prostitution laws.

The student will be followed every step of the way by an Australian film crew for a documentary film called Virgins Wanted.

She told Folha newspaper: "I saw this as a business. I have the opportunity to travel, to be part of a movie and get a bonus with it.

"If you only do it once in your life then you are not a prostitute, just like if you take one amazing photograph it does not automatically make you a photographer.

"The auction is just business, I'm a romantic girl at heart and believe in love. But this will make a big difference to my area."

 

I would be quite happy to make a difference to Catarina’s "area" but: a) I don’t have the money and b) I don’t have the money...

 

Back in potty Blighty

Police have seized a giant marijuana plant from an elderly couple who unwittingly bought it at a car boot sale.

The couple were shocked to find that their carefully tended shrub was in fact a gigantic cannabis plant.

Police officers in Bedford said it was the biggest plant they had ever seen, reports the Daily Mail.

Bedfordshire Police took to Twitter to comment on their find and post a photo of the huge bush growing in the suburban garden.

The tweet from Bedford Borough's local policing team read: "Seized today. Elderly couple bought shrub at car boot sale, tended carefully.

 

Yeah right of course they did...

 

And finally:

 

Left to the Home of snacks and the Land of infestations

 

Edward Archbold won a giant cockroach eating contest and then dropped dead, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office, Archbold, of West Palm Beach, and several other contestants signed up to eat a variety of insects at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach. After eating dozens of giant cockroaches, Archbold was declared the winner of an ivory-ball python.

But after winning, Archbold felt sick and started vomiting. He then collapsed in the store and was later pronounced dead.

The medical examiner’s office is conducting tests to determine a cause of death.

 

Stupidity comes to mind....

 

That’s it I’m orf to check out our politicians minds

 

And today’s thought:

Fucking Thames Water

 

Angus

Look-no hands: The Ostrich Pillow: Bear faced Numpty: Shed living: Mitt is a Cupid Stunt: and a Wiff Waff explosion.

Marvellous amounts of solar stuff, mountains of lack of warm, minuscule movements of atmosphere and not a mention of wet stuff at the castle this morn, the garden has taken a battering from yesterdays “wevver”, but the Honda is now nice and clean.

 

And blogger seems to be behaving it'self this Tuesday morn.

 

I see that after eight years and squillions of loot

Preparations are under way to extradite radical preacher Abu Hamza al-Masri to the US, after the European Court of Human Rights rejected his appeal bid.

Four other terrorism suspects, including computer expert Babar Ahmad, also face extradition to America.

The “men” have argued that they will face inhumane treatment in the US if they are sent there.

 

That’ll make him “armless” then, handy eh?

 

And the latest thing for helping one to have a kip

Is the Ostrich Pillow, a product that has been specifically designed to allow you to create a little private space within a public one so you can relax, unwind...and sleep.

Just pop the pillow over your head - there are breathing holes, don't worry - and put your hands in the two holes at the top to keep them cosy.

Created by Kawamura-Ganjavian, a UK-based architecture and design studio, the initial idea of an Ostrich Pillow was shared on the web last year.

The pillow is being spruiked on kickstarter, an online funding platform for creative projects, and the first lot of 300 orders has sold out already.

You can pledge amounts of $75, $140, $325 and $620 to fund the project, and in return you'll receive your very own Ostrich Pillow. When the pledge total reaches $70,000, the creators will have enough money to distribute the pillows to the masses.

 

Spiffing; can’t wait to look a total Plonker in public....

 

East to the land of snow and stuff

Allegedly a polar bear attacked a woman who, after drinking too much alcohol, decided to feed the "clumsy" bear with chicken legs. The incident took place in the Chaunsky district of Chukotka, Russia's Far East. A policeman, who heard cries for help, saved the compassionate lady from the claws of the bear.

The incident occurred in the village Yanranay. Sergei Terekhov, an assistant to police precinct, heard the screams. The man grabbed a gun and ran out into the street. He saw a polar bear dragging the victim to the side of the tundra, writes Federal Press.

The police officer wounded the animal with his first shot. Having taken the moment, the woman crawled a few meters away from the predator. This made it possible to make another shot, which killed the bear. The woman was immediately sent to hospital. Doctors said that her life was out of danger: several bite wounds had been treated and stitched.

 

Never seen a Polar Bear with chicken legs....

 

Left to the Blue Ridge Mountains

Hari and Karl Berzins decided to build a tiny home for their family in Virginia's Blue Ridge Mountains to free themselves of the financial burden of owning a large home.

They knew that moving two children, a dog and a cat into a 168-square foot space would be a challenge, though it would also eliminate the need for a mortgage and cut their utility costs.

But they didn't expect it to completely change their lives, Hari Berzins said.

The savings allowed the 39-year-old mother to scale back her hours working for a non-profit and spend more time on the family's 3-acre hillside property in Floyd, Virginia, she said. She now has more time to pursue her passion for writing, gardening, raising chickens and, most importantly, to enjoy her kids. Her husband, a chef, was able to leave a stressful restaurant and take a pay cut to work in a more creative environment.

The Berzins are part of a small contingent of homeowners who have found solace living in less than 500 square feet. Many of them live in homes built on trailers so they can move around; others, like the Berzins, live on property they own. Others live in Cob homes built of clay and mica. Some are motivated by a desire to lessen their carbon footprint while others want to own a home without worrying about property taxes.

 

Housing problem solved-sell the bricks and mortar and move in to a shed…

 

And the next possible US President

After hearing that Mrs next possible first lady survived when the airplane she was in had to make an emergency landing on Friday due to an electrical fire.

Reckons that “when you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous. And she was choking and rubbing her eyes. Fortunately, there was enough oxygen for the pilot and co-pilot to make a safe landing in Denver. But she’s safe and sound.”

 

American voters please note-this Pillock is worse than George ‘dubblu’ Bush...

 

And finally:

 

Dahn in Plymouth

Science has taken a great leap forward or upward in this case.

 

Pity the poor sod who has to clear that lot up....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to levitate some H2o

 

And today’s thought:

Who opened the windows?

 

 

Angus

Mumbling idiot: Cupid stuntman survives: Tanks a lot: Finger wrestling: Android avatars: and Mechanical doors.

A whimsy cooler at the Castle this morn, there is a nice covering of cloud at the moment and the liquid metal gauge is reading in the mid seventies.

The Honda is covered in even more yellow stuff and his Maj has discovered the joy of lying in the bath to keep the heat at bay.

 

U-Turn Cam got in a touch of trouble during Prime Monster’s questions yesternoon-ish

Shit for brains Dave called Ed (starey eyes) Ball a “mumbling idiot” and was taken to task by Dopey speaker Bercow who told him to withdraw the remark as the word “idiot” was ‘unparliamentarily’.

A ''simple withdrawal'' would do, he said.

Shame Dave’s dad didn’t do that before he was conceived....

And cupid stuntman Gary Connery lives to jump another day

He managed to jump 2,400 ft from a helicopter and landed on a pile of cardboard boxes without using a parachute.

"I feel incredible, just completely elated," he told reporters, who had to put their buckets and shovels back in their motors.

Bet a lot of poo came out...

East to the place where Siberians live

The authorities have come up with a cunning plan to save money on children’s climbing frames.

Scattered around playgrounds are decommissioned ASU-85s and Т-62s Soviet tanks for kids to clamber upon.

They would have nicked them for scrap if that was Blighty...

West a smidge and dahn less than that

Lederhosen attired men gather in vast quantities for a lot of finger wrestling, competitors subject themselves to an intense regime of finger training in the build up to a tournament, with some preferring to squeeze tennis balls or holding their own body weight with a single finger, some insist that a series of one-finger press ups is the best method of strengthening.

 No wonder Europe is such a shit hole...

East again to the land of Russians

According to Dmitry Itskov and the people Russia 2045 immortality is just a smidge away, a team of real scientists working on a way to make us all immortal.

He used his ‘skills’ to create a social movement with the goal of connecting scientists, philosophers, visionaries and public figures to work on this common goal. They’ve already started working on androids, or human avatars, that will soon replace us physically, but carry on our spiritual and intellectual legacy.

By 2020, this robotic copy of a human being will be remote-controlled via BCI (Brain Computer Interface), and by 2025 we’ll be able to transfer a person’s brain into one of these avatars, after they die. By 2035 these androids will be so advanced they’ll be able to support a human’s personality as well, and finally, in 2045, humanity will have created holographic avatars able to carry our legacy beyond the stars and practically render us immortal.

 

Can’t wait...

And finally:

East even more and dahn a fair way

Japanese company Yuki Corp has “invented” the Auto Door Zero — the automatic door that needs no electricity to operate.

This automatic door uses the body weight of the person about to go in or out of the door. Those passing through it might notice that the floor just before the door sinks about two centimetres once they step forward. The rest is mechanical history.

 

And supersedes the door knob by a centimetre-or two...

That’s it: I’m orf to ask Google for a raspberry pi

And today’s thought:

Order; order...

Angus

Captive electorate: Infected NHS: Moving Museum: Drunk in Dubuque: Cupid stuntman: and a Sandwich and a bit-and a bit more-and even more...

Sunny, dry, calm and not very cool at the Castle this morn; and yes after only one day of solar stuff I am having a moan about the heat, had to sleep on top of the duvet last dark thing which his Maj took as an invite to attack my feet all night.

Still at least it isn’t raining....

I have sorted out the “router” problem by moving it up the spiral staircase and attaching it to my new Bluray/internet player-works a treat....

The European Court of ‘uman wrongs

Has decided that those who are banged up have the right to decide which of the members of the palace of Westminster will represent them.

Blighty has been given six months to lift its blanket ban on inmates voting despite that no balls David Cameron has said it makes him "physically ill" to contemplate such a move.

However the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition has won some concessions as the ECHR agreed with its argument that "each state has a wide discretion" as to how to regulate the ban and what type of offence should lead to disenfranchisement.

So the vote will only go to those who profess their total innocence-which is about 99%...

And all across the NHS

There is finally some good news-a drop in rates of the superbug MRSA and C. Difficile; unfortunately the bad news is that infections by salmonella and E.coli are on the rise.

Over the last five years, there has been a 35% increase in reports of E. coli blood infections, but apparently the ‘Orspitals aren’t to blame, it seems that a fifth of HCAIs (Health Care Acquired Infections) were present on admission to hospital.

That means that four fifths weren’t....

  

East to the land which invented everything

A museum is being moved lock, stock and barrel in China - on hundreds of steel wheel - 100 metres down the road.

The Yellow River Museum in Zhengzhou, Henan province was in the way of a new underground railway station.

But the building was considered too important to demolish for the city's new tube transport system.

So conservationists built a special track to wheel the 400 tonne building, centimetre by centimetre, on more than 300 steel wheels to its new site.

Inside, a steel framework supports the building to stop it collapsing in on itself as it moves.

Architect Zheng Jiatai explained: "The building is a mixture of Chinese and old Soviet Union styles which is unique.

"We could have taken it down brick by brick and rebuilt it, but the character would have changed forever."

 

Still be faster than Virgin trains...

 

A man gets into his pickup with a parrot and a zebra

And the punch line is-An Iowa man stopped outside a Dubuque bar with a small zebra and a parrot in his truck has been charged with drunken driving.

Officers arrested 56-year-old Jerald Reiter of Cascade on Sunday in the parking lot of the Dog House bar, where people had been taking photos of the animals.

Reiter says the zebra and macaw parrot are pets and like riding in the truck. Reiter claims he sometimes takes the animals into the bar, but the owner says they're not allowed inside.

Officers gave Reiter a field sobriety test and charged him with drunken driving. Reiter disputes the arrest. He says he was about to let a passenger, a person, begin driving.

 

The parrot probably has a higher IQ than “Jerald”....

And talking of cupid stunts

A stuntman will attempt to make aviation history later by becoming the first skydiver in the world to land without the use of a parachute.

Gary Connery, 42, from Oxfordshire, will leap from a helicopter a mile above Henley then glide towards a field using a specially adapted wing suit which will allow him to fly.

Moments before reaching the ground he will "flare" his suit to slow his descent to land safely on a "runway" of 18,000 cardboard boxes.

Mr Connery will approach his target at a glide-ratio of two-to-one - for every metre he falls, he flies forward two metres.

The landing strip will be 350ft-long, 40ft-wide and 12ft-deep. If he miscalculates his approach he will have a split second to abort the jump and deploy an emergency parachute.

If the jump goes wrong and he fails to react in time, he will miss the boxes and hit the ground. But Mr Connery insists he will be successful.

I do like an optimist... 

And finally:

Left to the home of the burger and the land of the fries

Weighing more than two stone and crammed with over 40 different cuts of meat, this carnivore's dream has been dubbed the world's meatiest sandwich.

Standing 1.2ft high and spanning 24 inches wide, it's estimated that it would take anyone hungry enough to take on the challenge over 10 hours to devour.

It contains 1.4kg of ham, 2kg of salami, turkey and bacon, 1kg of sausages, 720g of chorizo and just a sprinkling of salad.

The recipe for the meat creation is now available online for anyone wanting to take on the challenge themselves.

The monster meat masterpiece took chef Tristan Welch over four hours to create to mark the launch of reality TV programme Man vs. Food Nation on Food Network UK.

The food programme, which sees host Adam Richman taking on a series of outrageous eating challenges, has received a cult following since its launch in 2008.

Best advert for a diet I have seen...

That’s it: I’m orf to memorise some atoms 

And today’s thought:

Roll on the Olympics-again

Angus

Up your insurance: Pickles poleaxes Pinewood: Boney land: Bull surfing: A bird in the Bombardier: The World’s worst Tat “artist”?: and a Cupid Stunt.

Gale is hanging around at the Castle this morn, and I daren’t even think where Dawn’s crack is, his Maj has discovered the joy of consuming odd things in the garden and then puking on my lap to show me what he ate.

And I managed to catch up on another few years sleep yester aftermorn.

I see that in “austerity” Blighty

Insurers are charging jobless people more for car insurance, Research with three brokers for the BBC found that car insurance premiums averaged 30% more for those out of work but could be up to 63% higher.

The Association of British Insurers (ABI) said data showed unemployment was an additional risk for insurers.

AA Insurance Spokesman Ian Crowder reckons that "Unemployed people are likely to be distracted because of their circumstances, likely to be driving along unfamiliar roads and attempting to find specific addresses in search of job interviews."

Piss Poor Policy...

And after U-Turn Cam spouted his usual bollocks about supporting Blighty’s film industry

Pinewood studios where the James Bond films were shot had planned to build a £200m complex on the 105 acres that adjoin its site. It would have offered 1,400 homes for those working on films, and permanent locations from 17 cities around the world for shooting movies.

But fat Pratt Eric Pickles, Communities and Local Government Minister, refused to grant planning permission for Project Pinewood on the grounds that "The loss of openness would not only be visually apparent, but would all but destroy the concept of the site as part of open Green Belt land."

A spokesman for the local government department said: "Just because the Prime Minister may think it is a good idea, you can't get round the law."

The mind boggles...

Right a mile or twenty two

A French theme park is being planned in honour of Napoleon Bonaparte, almost 200 years after his death.

“Napoleonland”, the brainchild of former French minister and history buff Yves Jégo, is being touted as a rival to Disneyland – assuming, that is, it can gather the £180 million needed to leave the drawing board.

The plan is to build the unlikely amusement park on the site of the brilliant but doomed French leader’s final victory against the Austrians in the Battle of Montereau in 1814 just south of Paris.

The 1815 Battle of Waterloo, in which the Duke of Wellington ended Napoleon's rule in France, could be recreated on a daily basis with visitors perhaps even able be able to take part in the re-enactments.

  

That’ll be a short day then...

Right even further

Each August, the rural Pathanamthitta villages of Southern India come alive with a festival dedicated to the harvest known as Maramadi. After the harvest concludes, yoked bulls are sent charging down a football field-sized rice paddy soaked in a 1/2 foot of water.

These crazed bulls are then chased down and surfed around the paddy by brave, half-naked participants in a kind of rugged chariot race with much more dirt. Most participants begin by holding onto the rope attached to the bulls, and move to hang onto the tail when their surfing begins.

Think I’d be “crazed” if someone shoved their arm up my arse as well (see pic).

Dahn a fair bit

A Japanese Coastguard patrol plane narrowly avoided mid-air disaster when it was hit by an albatross.

The Bombardier DHC8-315 was flying 300 metres over the East China Sea when the bird smashed a one-metre wide hole in the aircraft.

But despite the dead bird being lodged in the plane’s nose, the pilot was able to fly for another hour on to his destination in Ishigaki, near Taiwan.

Nine crew members were on board the three-hour flight from Naha, on the Pacific Island of Okinawa. No one was injured.

So a bird in a Bombardier is worth two in the cockpit then.

Somewhere over the wet thing

There lurks “Synyster Ink” who is to tattooing what the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is to Government.

“Synyster Ink” even has his own Facebook page Synyster Ink’s tattoos on Facebook where you can see his “work”. 

Heed the warning….

And finally:

Right to the sub continent

A video has emerged on the internet, apparently shot in India, showing a man risking his life as he lies under a moving train.

The footage shows a man walking down the rail tracks as an oncoming train speeds towards him.

Just seconds before he is about to be hit by the train he throws himself facedown onto the ground between the tracks.

After the train sped just inches over his body, the man seems to pose for the camera.

Now that is a Cupid Stunt...

That’s it: I’m orf to trick a quantum.

And today’s thought:

Angus

TGIT

No good deed goes unpunished A retired florist has been threatened with criminal prosecution by a council after planting a flower garden on a neglected patch of land in a car park.

Jayne Bailey, a retired florist, gave the concrete island on her housing estate a makeover as the cobble-stones were coming loose and she thought they were dangerous.

Mrs Bailey, 60, removed loose cobbles and planted flowers in a display that has been supported by some of her neighbours.

But the planks at Cornwall County Council have told her to take out the flowers herself and replace the cobbles, or pay for remedial work.

"They also threatened that they would go to the police and report me for criminal damage. This is bureaucratic madness. There are people out there spraying graffiti and I get into trouble for actually making the place nicer."

Mrs Bailey said island had been a crumbling mess, covered in weeds and rubbish for about 30 years.

A spokesman for the council said: "In this particular case no agreement was sought to carry out the works. Several complaints from residents have been received concerning the planting."

He indicated, however, that there could be a compromise. "A council horticulturist has been asked to look at the suitability of the planting."


Shame on you Cornwall County Council, a “Cupid Stunt” award is on the way.



Get your application in NOW Britons made redundant in the recession are being offered the chance to apply for a dream job – getting paid to go on holiday.

The successful applicant will travel around the world in style this summer, visiting the most desirable cities and staying in the finest hotels.

No experience is necessary and there are no qualifications for the role, although the person selected will have to write reviews of their experiences for lastminute.com, the travel firm which has created the position.

The company hopes the job title, described as Globe Trotter, will give the opportunity of a lifetime to one of the millions of people left without work in the financial crisis in Britain.

Their reviews have to cover flights, hotels, restaurants, concerts and theatre shows from all of the destinations they visit.

The selected person will travel more than 32,000 miles, spend over 60 nights away, and visit at least eight major cities – including New York, Paris, Barcelona and Las Vegas – in three different continents.

Although they will not receive a salary for their three month tour, the entire £20,000 cost of the trip will be covered.

Anyone wanting to enter must send a photo of themselves having "a seriously good time" on holiday, and a review of no more than 200 words describing their experience by July 15.


A “You got it right” award is on the way.



Every body needs good neighbours A county's crime rate has fallen to a 20-year low after a crimimal family was jailed, a chief constable has reported.

Five members of the Johnson gipsy family were each jailed for up to 11 years for a string of raids on stately homes, including Britain's biggest domestic burglary, which netted them up to £80 million.

Another 10 members of the gang received sentences for raids on business premises in Thames Valley, the Midlands and Gloucestershire.

Since their arrest, Gloucestershire Police said the county's crime rates have fallen to a level last seen in the 1980s.

Figures show there were 44,136 recorded crimes in Gloucestershire in 2008/09 compared to 45,685 in 2007/08, representing a three per cent drop.

This followed a significant drop of about 16 per cent from the 2006/07 figures, when 52,388 crimes were recorded.

Detectives believe the Johnson family plagued the south of England for 20 years. The family was based at a static caravan park in Evesham, Worcs, where they plotted the raids.



Better late than never I suppose.



And finally:


Forgot something? Things that students have left behind in their digs:

Pets were among the most unusual items left behind, as well as a rabbit, Unite found a pair of budgies, and a six foot snake.

One person left frozen chicken feet.

Other items included an inflatable pool - which was filled with water - a scuba diving suit and a pole-dancing pole.

The most common items left behind were mobile phone chargers (24 per cent), while almost one in five (19 per cent) of the items found were text books and one in ten (11 per cent) were iPods.


The 10 most bizarre items:
:: Six foot snake;
:: Pole dancing pole;
:: Life-size skeleton;
:: Pair of budgies;
:: Giant white pet rabbit;
:: 10ft inflatable outdoor pool filled with water;
:: Frozen chicken feet;
:: A whip and a copy of the Kama Sutra;
:: Scuba diving suit with air tank and flippers;
:: Full-size air hockey table.



If they can’t remember their possessions what chances have they in the exams?



Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE