Them: And Us: Exploding Ketchup: Conker crash: Burning in the sun: and The Gates of Hell

Not a lot of solar stuff, even less lack of cold, not a whimsy of atmospheric movement and nary a drop of skywater at the Castle this morn.

Didn’t manage to find a place that had shops, free parking and covered walkways yesterday, so I settled for a bit of a drive and a pub lunch.

 

Them.

“They” are up to all sorts

The ex chief lash has finally got the hint and buggered orf to pastures new without admitting whether he said the ‘Pleb or moron’ word.

 

About bloody time... 

 

Alien reptile in disguise son of a B......aronet George (why should I travel with the moronic plebs) Osborne has had to cough up 160 squids when he tried to steal a first class seat from Virgin (where’s my franchise) chuff-chuff  between Wilmslow and the Smoke with a few of his ‘mates’. 

He will of course claim the cost of the ticket on his expenses and we will pay for it.

 

And U-Turn Cam is not talking  after avoiding questions for the fifth consecutive day about a cache of private emails between him and Rebekah Brooks.

He sidestepped five parliamentary questions over electronic communications with Ms Brooks, the former News International chief executive, that were not released to the Leveson Inquiry into media standards.

The Prime Minister also refused to release any further information in reply to a letter on the same subject from Harriet Harman, the deputy Labour leader.

 Nice to see that “open” Government thingy is working so well...

 

Us.

 

Up in the Smoke

Tens of thousands of ‘plebs and morons’ are expected to march through London in protest against the government's austerity measures.

Labour leader clone B is among dozens of speakers due to address crowds in Hyde Park - where the march ends.

Demonstrators want the coalition to end public service cuts and instead create policies they say can create growth.

 

Won’t make any difference because “they” are not listening and never will...

 

Left more than a train ride

 

Counterfeit ketchup collaborators are being a bit saucy by buying bulk quantities of traditional Heinz ketchup, transferring the condiment via large bladders into individual containers labelled "Simply Heinz," one of the company's premium recipes, then shunt the result off to unwitting consumers at a cushy mark-up.

Unfortunately the non top knob red stuff has got its revenge by making the fake bottles explode, probably due to carb-hungry microbes that moved in during the transfer and started building pressure inside a bottle as they convert their feast into gas.

 

Doesn’t bother me I can’t afford Heinz, I have to make do with Tesco.

 

Norf of the border

Apparently organisers of the Scottish Conker Championships have had to call off this year’s event at the last minute - due to a shortage of conkers.

Efforts to find an emergency supply of conkers for the event at Peebles, in the Borders, on Saturday drew a blank.

The Borders Forest Trust, which has organised the event for the last five years, said the move was unavoidable due to the bad weather over the last few months.

Spokeswoman Louisa Finch said: “The first championships were a real success, so we are saddened that the event won’t be happening this year.

“Many horse chestnut trees are bare this year or only have very small conkers which wouldn’t have fared well in competition.

 

Maybe they could use frozen sprouts instead....

 

Back in the home of aerosols and the land of naked flames

The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.

Energizer Holdings said Friday that it is pulling 23 varieties of UltraMist sunscreen off store shelves due to the risk of the lotion igniting when exposed to fire.

The recall includes aerosol products like UltraMist Sport, UltraMist Ultra Defense and UltraMist Kids.

A company spokesman said there have been five reports of people suffering burns after using the sunscreen in the last year. Four burn cases were reported in the U.S. and one in Canada.

More than 20 million units have been sold since UltraMist launched in 2010, the spokesman said.

The problem appears to be caused by UltraMist’s spray valve, which is over applying the product, Energizer said in a statement. As a result the lotion is taking longer to dry, which raises the flammability risk.

“If a consumer comes into contact with a flame or spark prior to complete drying of the product on the skin, there is a potential for the product to ignite,” the company said.

 

So no smoking or cooking, or barbeques, or.....

 

And finally:

 

Right to one of the “Stans”

 

In the Karakum desert in Turkmenistan, near the 350 person village of Derweze, is a hole 328 feet wide that has been on fire. For 38 years it has constantly been active. This hole is known as the Darvaza Gas Crater or the "Gates of Hells" by locals, the crater can be seen glowing for miles around.

The hole is the outcome not of nature but of an industrial accident. In 1971 a Soviet drilling rig accidentally punched into a massive underground natural gas cavern, causing the ground to collapse and the entire drilling rig to fall in. Having punctured a pocket of gas, poisonous fumes began leaking from the hole at an alarming rate. To head off a potential environmental catastrophe, the Soviets set the hole alight. The crater hasn't stopped burning since.  

Looks like my rear exit after a curry....

 

That’s I’m orf to sniff a teenager

 

And today’s thought:

Second class travel

 

 

Angus

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US

I was watching “live at the Apollo “ last night, and there was an Irish comedian on that brought up some interesting points about men and women-BBC iPlayer

The most profound was-the questions that women ask their men-and the one which causes the most terror among men was “what are you thinking about?”

I know, because I have been in that position, your first reaction is panic, what do I say?

Because the thoughts in my mind at the time was –absolutely nothing, I was blank, phased out, “cogitating” without the cogitate bit.

Men have the ability to think about nothing, it comes naturally, but you can’t say that can you?

Because if you do she will think you are hiding something.

The lady in your life expects an answer that will sate her inquiring mind, but you have absolutely no clue what she wants, your mind starts to “dash” about like a chicken without a head, it comes up with words such as –cars, sport, TV, women, page three, food, sex and oh shit!

When the only cogent thought you have had in the last two hours is “my arse itches a lot today”.

So you say something totally inane like “I really like your hair” or “that is a nice dress” because in your panic your mind has had a stroke and is completely incapable of rational thought.

Then you get “that look”, the same look that they give to small children caught with their finger up their nose.

The look then turns into a “god what have I hooked up with” glare, which becomes a silence, during which you are supposed to redeem yourself by saying something intelligent-no chance, so you say “what?” and they walk away totally convinced that they are living with a moron.

So to sum up, men are very capable of having a completely blank mind, it can last for hours, it isn’t deliberate, it isn’t to get up ladies noses. It just comes naturally, we can’t help it: it is in our “jeans” (deliberate), our “mental” makeup is inherited.

Please ladies, if you have to ask questions, at least ask us a positive question like “what do you think of this?” or “isn’t that a nice colour” not “what are you thinking about?” as that is the one inquiry guaranteed to ruin your day (and ours).

“The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.”-Nicholas Murray Butler

Angus