Redefining poverty: another Piss Poor “Minister”: Aussie Olympics: Laptop loon: Surstromming is a gas: and Millions of Virgin Hermit crabs.

More than enough solar stuff, not enough lack of cold stuff, too much lack of wet stuff and a dearth of windy stuff at the Castle this morn.

The windows are in need of a clean, the Honda is in need of a polish and his Maj is in need of a door mat to wipe his paws on.

 

Apparently the Irritable Bowel Twins have decided that poverty is nothing to do with the amount of money in our pockets

According to the knob at the top of the Dept for Witless Pillocks a “fixation” with giving the poor money to lift them out of poverty is doing nothing to make them take responsibility for their lives.

Unless people’s lifestyles are transformed, they will almost inevitably slip back into poverty, he will say.

And he is calling for the definition of poverty, which is based on a family’s income, to be torn up and replaced with one that takes into account their wider circumstances.

For the first time, factors such as family breakdown and unemployment are expected to be recognised when deciding whether someone is genuinely living in poverty.

And while income is important in determining who is genuinely in need, if it is taken on its own it can distort the picture, he will say in a speech to the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, the social research group.

 

They still don’t get it do they... He married Elizabeth "Betsy" Fremantle, daughter of the 5th Baron Cottesloe, in 1982. The couple has four children. His wealth is estimated at £1 million much of which has been earned by working as a high end after dinner speaker.

 

Up in the leaning tower of Westminster

Chloe Smith, the Conservative minister who shot to public prominence for her disastrous attempt to defend George Osborne's petrol duty U-turn on Newsnight, has been appointed minister responsible for lobbying.

She was moved from the Treasury to the Cabinet Office in the recent reshuffle, and yesterday it was announced that she will be taking responsibility for overseeing the Government's preparation of a statutory lobbying register.

According to The PRCA, the professional body that represents UK PR consultancies Smith has joined the Cabinet Office from the Treasury, where she was best known for her poor performance when interviewed by Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman".

 

No change there then...

 

Dahn Unda

In the spirit of the London Olympics, Australia has hosted its own "Outback Games" with events including 'camel' equestrian, 'waterhole' swimming and a flip-flop marathon.

Contenders in the Northern Territory joked that they did Bikram yoga to acclimatise to the extreme temperature and ate garlic to ward off crocodiles.

The event showcased unique home grown sports including sandbar soccer -- football played on an uneven patch of beach -- and 'camel' equestrian involving hobby horses.

"The swimming one requires us swimming with the crocodiles in the waterhole," joked competitor Alison Coulthurst, referring to the fake, inflatable reptiles racers wrangled in the swimming pool.

"We're adopting the Northern Territory approach that, if you lose or you're feeling bad, you just sit back," said competitor Ben Crank.

"Relax and have a beer and it all kind of washes away. It's a great mentality to have as an athlete. If you don't win, don't worry, relax, have a beer. It's all good."

 

What a corker-and it didn’t cost £9 billion...

 

West to the home of Silicon Valley and the land of laptops

Police in Vermont said a man became stuck on some rock ledges after dropping his computer about 100 feet and attempting to retrieve it.

Colchester police said Randy Lamore, 42, of Winooski dropped his computer while walking along the railroad tracks near the Gorge Road power dam and the device landed about 100 feet down on the bank of the Winooski River, WCAX-TV, Burlington, reported Tuesday.

Police said Lamore, who had been drinking, attempted to climb down to retrieve his computer, but became stuck on ledges in thick underbrush.

The man called 911 on his cell phone and it took about half an hour for rescuers to find him and an hour to execute the rescue.

Police said Lamore was not injured.

Unlike his laptop...

 

East to the place where a syndrome started

Emergency services rushed to a suburb of Stockholm after reports of a gas leak - only to find a bucket of fermented herring.

Two fire engines, two police cars and an emergency gas leak team all rushed to investigate the reports in Sodermalm, reports The Local.

They had been alerted by concerned neighbours who thought they smelled gas in the stairwell, but it turned out to be something less dangerous.

The strong smell came from fermented herring, or surstromming, a notoriously foul-smelling Swedish delicacy traditionally served at autumn parties.

 

Red herring?

 

And finally:

 

Over to the Island where there probably aren’t many

 

Millions and millions of hermit crabs decided to take a walk at Nanny Point near Concordia on one of the Virgin Islands.

 

Need a lot of lemon garlic butter for that lot...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to watch a black hole having lunch

 

And today’s thought:

Paint your wagon.

 

Angus

Greening- wood for the Chuff-chuff: Can Parent: Crabs in Nanjing: Sod that!: Dead lucky: and Relaxing Fountains (not).

Sunny, dry, cold and calm for the number after one time at the Castle this morn, I managed to mow the lawn, trim the hedges and have a nice bout of vandalism in the garden yesterday.

The Castle fences have gorn green-not in the Eco sense, or the aesthetic sense but in the daft old fart sense. I purchased some stuff from Wickes to treat said fences, and upon returning discovered that instead of “brahn” it was a nice shade of ‘Sherwood green’ because I picked up the wrong “tin”.

And because I couldn’t be arsed to travel the seven miles there and back in Saturday traffic and the fences were already green with moss decided to use it anyway-doesn’t look too bad...

It seems that the talentless Piss Poor Policy Millionaires Club Coalition has rubbed orf on the rest of buggered up Blighty because the winner of “Britain’s got talent’ is a bleedin dog, and yes he is cute and clever but come on...is that the best we can do?

And yet another PPPMCC(see above) “idea”

Is to give £100 vouchers for parenting classes in an attempt to stem the breakdown of family discipline blamed by ministers for last year's riots.

The free vouchers will be distributed through Boots, the high street chemist, as part of a strategy to ensure as wide a take-up as possible, according to The Mail on Sunday.

The scheme - known as Can Parent - is said to be the brainchild of David Cameron's strategy adviser Steve Hilton, who is leaving No 10 for a year as a lecturer in California.

The Department for Education, which will oversee the scheme, confirmed that an announcement was imminent. "We want all families to be able to easily access excellent information on parenting. We will be making an announcement about this next week," a spokeswoman said.

Under the plan parents will be entitled to up to 10 two-hour sessions of advice on how best to bring up their children.

Parents will be able to use the vouchers to buy lessons from independent organisations such as the National Childcare Trust.

As someone once said “I’d take them out and shoot them in front of their families”-the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition not the parents who should be put in the stocks and pelted with healthy food....

And talking of Piss Poor ideas

According to face like a bag of spanners Justine Greening our beloved Transport Secretary the best way to protect ancient woodland threatened by her overly expensive and unnecessary “High Speed chuff chuff” is to move it somewhere else-the ancient woodland not the “high Speed chuff chuff”.

 The brain dead high speed chuff chuff boss made her suggestion in a letter to a fellow Tory MP seeking to calm anxious constituents. “Your constituents raise concerns about potential impacts on ancient woodlands,” Miss Greening told Cheryl Gillan, the Welsh Secretary who is also MP for Chesham, in Buckinghamshire.

“The Environmental Impact Assessment process will identify in detail the scope of any impacts and offer appropriate mitigation solutions, for example transplanting woodland to an adjacent site or using narrower cuttings.”

Ye fucking Gods, where do “they” get these people?

East to the land of the last Olympics

If you live in Nanjing, China, you can get a crab from a vending machine then go home and cook the fresh hairy crab to your desired taste.

The crabs are priced from US$1.50 to US$8, depending on the size. You can even buy a bottle of vinegar to spice up your crab, for only US$0.80.

The vending machine is kept at a constant temperature of 5-10 degrees Celsius to make sure that the crabs are in a constant state of hibernation. They are also packed in custom-shaped plastic packages.

A customer who has tried the crabs said, “Two days ago, I was passing by, and saw that they were cheaper than at the markets. I was curious, so I got two. They tasted all right, so I’m back today for more.”

Tasty-Just don’t put them in a nice warm pocket....

Dahn Unda

As a frequent visitor to the beaches and wild rainforests of Cape York, kite surfer Ant Hadleigh thought he had seen it all.

But the Cairns man was in disbelief after witnessing a golden orb spider slowly eating a brown tree snake at a mate's place in Freshwater yesterday afternoon.

"A few times the snake managed to get up and attack the spider, and the spider would run back up the web.

"I would have put my money on the snake for sure, especially seeing how big it was."

Mr Hadleigh estimated the tree snake to be around half a metre long and was alive for "an hour or more" after being caught in the spider's web, before finally succumbing to the crafty arachnid's venom.

Rolled up newspaper time...

 

Up to the land of big stone blocks piled on top of each other

The funeral of a 28 year-old waiter in southern Egypt turned into a celebration when he woke up after being declared dead.

Hospital officials had pronounced dead Hamdi Hafez al-Nubi, who came from the village of Naga al-Simman in the southern province of Luxor, after he suffered a heart attack while working.

His family says grieving relatives took him home and, according to Islamic tradition, washed his body and prepared him for burial Friday evening.

A doctor sent to sign the death certificate found it strange that his body was warm. At closer observation she discovered he was still alive.

His mother fainted upon hearing the good news.

Bet some poo came out....

And finally: 

All over the place

Some snaps of not very relaxing fountains-apart from the last one.

That’s it: I’m orf to get a new sonic weapon “loud hailer”

And today’s thought:

 NHS population control.

Angus

Tory regret: Welfare to fraud: Another daft old fart: Exploding cows: Big Crab: and Playing Possum Dahn Unda.

I think we have now reached the fortieth day (and night) of falling skywater at the Castle this morn, his Maj doesn’t seem to mind and comes in every half hour or so to curl up on my lap for ten minutes to dry out and despite generous amounts of H2o we still have a hosepipe ban.

There was the expected drubbing for the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition at the “local” elections, I don’t think it was ‘midterm blues’ but the very few members of the populace that could actually be bothered to make their mark telling all politicians that we don’t trust them and no matter who is in power they are all the same.

And talking of one of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (the quail I have just had for lunch has a bigger IQ than me) Osborne reckons that mistakes in handling the Budget may have added to the Government’s problems.

And that the so-called ‘granny tax’, ‘pasty tax’, and ‘charity tax’ and cutting the 50p top tax rate overshadowed his moves to take less tax from the low-paid.

Writing in today’s flailing sail on Sunday, he says: ‘The way the Budget was presented meant this message wasn’t heard. I take responsibility for that.’

But despite this and the big Conservative losses on Thursday, he would not abandon the Coalition’s tough austerity programme.

However he does “understand the voters' pain”....

Oh no he fucking doesn’t, he doesn’t have to worry about paying the heating, Leccy, water, go juice and food bills or the rip orf mortgage rates because WE pay them all for him and if he needs anything else he can claim it on expenses or as a last resort dip into one of his bank accounts for some of his millions-arrogant bastard.....

And while unemployment creeps toward the ten percent mark

Allegedly Welfare-to-work providers are facing fraud checks after investigations into wrongdoing.

One in five investigations into alleged fraud at welfare-to-work providers over the past six years had "evidence of false representation" – such as forging client signatures to claim fees – with 10 cases referred to the police, the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition has revealed for the first time.

The figures help to uncover the full extent of misconduct in the industry and suggest wrongdoing could go beyond crisis-hit A4e, which is in the middle of a police investigation into alleged fraud.

A further 17% of 126 cases investigated by authorities since 2006 had "evidence of procedural non-compliance", the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) disclosed in an answer to a written parliamentary question.

In total, 24 cases were found to have involved false representation and 22 had procedural non-compliance meaning almost 40pc of the 126 cases investigated had evidence of wrongdoing.  

The Dept of Witless Pillocks couldn’t organise a lazy lob in a brothel....

North of the border and North a bit more

It seems that Angus isn’t the only daft old fart about, John Macdonald, from Eriskay in the Outer Hebrides, celebrated his 80th birthday at the weekend by throwing himself 40 metres off Garry Bridge in Perthshire.

Mr Macdonald said: “I wasn’t afraid at all. I just wished I could have had a swim in the River Garry as well.

I have had diabetes for 48 years and, when I was lying in hospital in Rio in 1964, I reckoned I would be very lucky to live past the age of 60.

“To do this then was special and I hope this gives younger ones who have diabetes something to encourage them a bit: an old guy like me managing to do a bungee jump.

 

Nice one, I hope he had plenty of Fixodent in place.....

Left a lot to one of the high bits

The US Forest Service is considering explosives to move a bunch of frozen cows that died after getting stuck inside a cabin at 11,000 feet in Colorado’s Rocky Mountains.

The Aspen Daily News reported that agency officials are worried about the high fire danger and are looking at other solutions such as using helicopters or trucks.

The carcasses were discovered by two Air Force Academy cadets when they snow-shoed up to the cabin in late March. Officials believe the animals sought shelter during a snowstorm and got stuck.

The cabin is located near the Conundrum Hot Springs, a hiking area near Aspen in the Maroon Bells-Snowmass Wilderness area.

Or...they could use chainsaws and get the barby out.....

Dahn Unda and dahn a bit more

Claude the Tasmanian giant crab was saved from death when the fisherman who caught him sold him to a British aquarium for £3,000.

Now, after a 29-hour plane journey from Australia – where giant crab meat is a delicacy – and two weeks in quarantine, Claude is ready to meet his public.

He is the biggest crab on display in the UK and weighs a mighty 15lb with a 15-inch shell – enough to make 160 crab cakes.

Claude is 100 times bigger than a standard UK shore crab. Yet he is still a juvenile and will grow to double his weight.

Claude was caught off the coast of Tasmania last month, but was sold to the Sea Life group along with two other Tasmanian giant crabs.

He will go on display at the Sea Life centre in Weymouth, Dorset, on Thursday, and his two companions will be moved to other centres in Birmingham and Berlin if Claude responds well to his new home.

Currently he is being kept on his own in a specially made cylindrical tank, ten feet tall and six feet wide, but the aquarium will introduce some coldwater fish once he is settled.

Despite being saved from the pot he doesn’t look very happy-a bit “crabby”?

 

And finally:

Up a whimsy to “proper” Dahn Unda

Staff at a Dunedin park has voiced concerns about a drinking game called "possum," where players sit in trees and drink alcohol until they fall down from drunkenness, the Otago Daily Times reported.

Dunedin City Council spokesman Alan Matchett told the newspaper that local students started playing "possum" at the city's botanic gardens roughly four years ago, but the game has since gained popularity and it was not uncommon for garden staff to have to chase people away.

The gardens are located close to the University of Otago, a school with more than 20,000 students.

A university spokesman confirmed that university security staff had assisted the local council in keeping an eye on drunken students.

"There have been two occasions earlier this year where students have been located by Campus Watch [staff] in trees, drinking and causing a public nuisance in the Botanic Garden," the spokesman told the Daily Times.

"Because Campus Watch was involved in both cases, the students were required to clean up their litter and to meet with the proctor for disciplinary action."

For a proctology exam to see what happened to their brains....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to see if there are any Chicken Frogs in the moat.

And today’s thought:

The latest Coalition giveaway.

Angus

DWP in the surgery: Up your debt: Crabby crab: Thick Knicks: and a smashing Taxi.

There is definitely meteorological activity at the Castle this first day of November, damp, dull and dingy, the study is partially crowded with ailing laptops and last night the dear little Kiddlies came round begging for stuff that will make them even fatter and rot their teeth.

So I left them a small bag of “goodies” on the portcullis, some nice Hot sweets out of the bag and some chocolate which will give them some exercise-isn’t Ex-Lax a wonderful invention....

 Also in Blighty:

It seems that the Dept of Witless Pillocks

Has got together with the Piss Poor GMC to harass GPs into “encouraging” patients with long-term illnesses to find a job.

The Department for Work and Pensions responded to a General Medical Council consultation to suggest that doctors should regard a patient returning to work as an “essential” indicator of successful clinical treatment.

Niall (dickhead) Dickson, the chief executive of the GMC, said the phrase was inserted because there was a lot of evidence that “productive activity can be life-enhancing”. “We don’t want to suggest doctors become policemen of the state,” he said. “It has to be where it is in the patient’s best interest that encouragement and support is given.”

A Department for Work and Pensions spokesman said: “Being in work is good for people’s health and well-being and most people with common health problems can return to work with the right support, which is why the department is committed to helping those who can work back into employment, while ensuring those who are too sick to work receive support.”

 Looks like there will be redundancies at the Job Centre Minus then...

And allegedly:

Britons have taken on the highest levels of debt since the height of the recession in May 2009 as they struggle to fund the rising cost of living, official figures have found.

Households have amassed £208.6 billion of outstanding debts in credit cards, bank overdrafts and other loans, equivalent to £9,070 for every household in the country.

In the past year household debts - excluding mortgages - have risen by over £5 billion, the biggest annual increase since the recession, the Bank said.

In the last month alone, Britons have increased their debts by £629 million.

Economists said that the figures show that people are having to borrow money simply to fund their day-to-day living in the face of rising inflation.  

No shit...

East to the land of expensive gas and crap cars

A man wearing a Russian soldier's cap was following a group of crabs as they walk alongside the curb of a rural road.

The man catches one of the crabs and holds it up to his face.

The crab clips onto the man's nostril, making him scream out in pain, but that doesn't stop the crab.

It continues to clamp down as the man's nose starts to turn white from the pressure

Though the first minute of the clip is the pursuit, the action comes in the last 15 seconds.

Go on have a laugh...

East even further to the land below Il Jong Kim’s place

The government of South Korea has ordered all government employees to start wearing thick underwear—the high-tech thermal kind preferred—to stave off quickly rising energy consumption levels.

As of January 17^th, public servants in South Korea must turn off all heating devices from 11:00am to 12:00am and 5:00pm to 6:00pm. In addition, at all other times the heating cannot be set any higher than 18-degrees Celsius, or 64-degrees Fahrenheit.

To prevent a possible blackout, the government is encouraging its employees to be extra frugal with their energy use. Long johns are okay, but thermal underwear is recommended. If employees are going to waste energy to stay warm, better they waste their own.

Sounds a bit like the advice given to those in fuel poverty in warm old Blighty.

And finally:

Back in the land of expensive oil and tractors

A drunken taxi driver was caught naked by police in Moscow following a rampage in which he smashed into 17 cars.

City police became aware of Vitaly Grodi's erratic driving after he ignored a road sign and refused to stop.

The driver bumped into 17 vehicles including a police van – reports The Russian News & Information Agency RIA Novosti

He also narrowly avoided hitting a school bus.

The driver was finally caught by officers who were shocked to find him in nothing but his birthday suit when he emerged from his cab.   

The taxi driver told police he was unhappy and had decided to get into his cab following an argument with his girlfriend.

Bet he wasn’t even wearing a seat belt.

That’s it: I’m orf to chase a Neutrino 

And today’s thought: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

Angus