Angus got a new motor: Her Maj’s award: Tanks a lot: De-Daw delay: Mines on a reef: and Hover Golf.

Masses of lack of warm, minimal solar stuff, multitudes of atmospheric movement and quite a lot of white fluffy stuff at the Castle this “summer” morn, after travelling Norf of Luton with the butler riding shotgun to ward orf the Apaches I have finally managed to update the Honda-with a Honda, I have gorn for the newer one (civic) with all the bells and whistles-but the best bit is the leather seats which are heated by leccy, pictures here and there if you are interested.

 

The elbow is getting worse, I had a nice early appointment with my general medic yestermorn to try to get it sorted out but when I arrived the electronic book in thingy refused to accept me and told me that my appointment was up at the Aldershot Centre for Elfs so with ten minutes to go I queued at the reception thingy for five minutes while the “staff” mumbled on the phones to obviously more important people so I dashed to the mentioned “Elf Centre”, arrived with a minute to spare, paid my parking ransom and managed to speak to the “receptionist” who told me that “no, your appointment is at the other surgery, but it doesn’t matter because the Doctor has gorn home sick, but another appointment has been made for you at 9.45” with a medic I have never heard of.

The second word I uttered was “orf”, so I went home and couldn’t be bovvered to post.

 

I see that her Maj has got a Bafta

 

For “supporting British film for a lifetime”, so have I, so where’s mine then?

 

East to the land of Russians

A soldier is facing a court marshal after being caught driving a tank into a lamp post while supposedly under the influence.

The incident was captured on the dashboard camera of a motorist who had stopped at a junction.

Footage shows a tank moving towards a crossroads before coming to an abrupt halt.

It sets off again before hitting a nearby lamppost with a dull thud, much to the amusement of the driver behind the camera, and the bemusement of the traffic officer who is seen watching the pissed idiot trying to park.

 

I’d like to see them clamp that.....

 

Over to foreign parks in Kent

 

Plans to build a £2billion theme park to rival Disneyland Paris have been halted – so a colony of extremely rare spiders can be re homed.

Bosses of the Paramount scheme hoped to have the resort – which will be twice the size of the Olympic Park, creating 27,000 jobs – up and running by 2019.

But environmentalists have found distinguished jumping spiders on the 872-acre brown field site at Swanscombe Peninsula, Kent.

The spiders are on a UK priority species list and are only found in one other place in the country, West Thurrock Marshes in Essex.

Unlike many other species, they like the soil, which is particularly alkaline due to previous industrial use.

 

Bet they don’t like rolled up newspapers though...

 

East or West to the Pacific

The commanding officer and three crewmembers aboard a U.S. Navy minesweeper have been relieved of their duties amid an investigation into how the $300 million ship got stuck on a reef near the Philippines and had to be scuttled.

The USS Guardian became stuck on a reef in the Tubbataha National Marine Park, a World Heritage Site in the Sulu Sea some 400 miles southeast of Manila in January.

 

The Navy said in a statement that the officer and crewmembers were relieved because the ship’s grounding did not comply with its navigation procedures and accountability standards.

 

Oh ha-fucking-ha...

 

And finally:

 

Somewhere on a golf course

Bubba Watson who won the 2012 Masters tournament, has given his backing to the latest way of getting around the green - a cross between a buggy and a hovercraft.

The prototype machine allows golfers to glide across grass and launch across lakes, and is fitted with a noise reduction rotor to avoid disturbing those who prefer more conventional modes of transport.

The hovercraft, known as the BW1, features four seats and a roof from a typical golf buggy and has room for two golf caddies.

The machine is a joint project between Watson, Sportswear Company Oakley and Neoteric Hovercraft, the company which built it.

It is not known how much the BW1 cost to build, although Neoteric hovercraft sell for between $16,700 (£11,000) and $65,860 (£43,600) through the company's website.

 

Cheap at half the price-well it would be if it was.....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to enter a new realm of physics

 

And today’s thought:

Class Bollocks

 

 

Angus

Shit for brains Numptys: Get on my land: Cheers: Weighty problem?: Bottom rockets: and Her Maj’s old bag.

Oodles of deep, crisp and even stuff at the Castle this morn, his Maj seems to like the white fluffy stuff, and the dungeon is stacked to the rack with drunk, fat teenagers for the furnace.

Despite the warnings

And that we all know that more than a whimsy of snow will bring Blighty to a standstill, hundreds-nay thousands of shit for brains “motorists” ventured out on “important” business.

Up to 100 vehicles were stranded on the M40 between Junction 4 High Wycombe and Junction 9 Bicester for several hours and snow ploughs were brought in to help clear the roads.

One motorist told BBC News he had spent more than seven hours stuck in traffic in his car on the M25 in Hertfordshire.

Knob heads.....

 

In the part of Blighty that needs faster transport

Landowners and farmers are to be paid £1,000 each to allow contractors involved in the high speed rail project onto their property.

The payment will be to allow HS2, the company responsible for scheme, to carry out environmental surveys along the route, which will initially run from Euston to Birmingham before being extended to both Manchester and Leeds.

It is the latest move to appease those who live on the route which will see trains hurtling through the Chilterns, Warwickshire and Northamptonshire.

If further inspections are needed additional payments will be made under an agreement reached between HS2, the Country Land and Business Association and the National Farmers Union.

In the case of tenant farmers, the money will be shared with the owner of the land. In addition HS2 will pay for any damage caused to the land as a result of the survey work.

"We recognise that many CLA members would rather HS2 was dropped," said Harry Cotterell, the CLA president. "But now it is confirmed we owe them a duty of care to ensure the work is carried out with as little damage and loss as is possible."

 

High speed bonus...

 

For those who like to imbibe a bit

An 1825 formula that gives you a pint of beer for just 11p a pint has been "discovered".

It was written by ale lover Thomas Denton, who was determined to recreate his favourite tipple, London Porter.

For 72 pints of stout, you will need a peck of barley, 4oz of hops, 7lb of treacle and several gallons of boiling water.

Mr Denton, of Goole, east Yorkshire, also recommended letting the potent brew ferment for seven days.

 

Good luck with that...

Over in the place where Romanians come from

A model with a waist of just 20 inches has insisted she eats three square meals a day, including fatty foods such as crisps, pizza and kebabs.

Ioana Spangenberg, 30, measures in at 5ft 6 inches tall, weighing six stone.

The model told The Sun: 'No one seems to believe it, but every day I eat three big meals and I snack on chocolate and crisps all the time.

'I just have a small stomach. It's a bit like a gastric band, if I eat too much I feel sick'.

Yeah right....

Left to the land of rear exits and the home of the lawsuit

A college student claims he was injured when a fraternity member in a “drunken stupor” decided “that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus,” and did so, “but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the fraternity’s deck.

The student is now suing the fraternity, Alpha Tau Omega, for failing to provide a railing for the deck as well as the frat brother who lit the rocket in question.

 Bum deal....

 And finally:

Her Maj’s old bag

And no I am not talking about Charlie’s darling, the secret is out, Sally Bedell Smith, author of Elizabeth the Queen: The Woman Behind The Throne has revealed what is kept in the royal baggage (and no I am not talking about horse face Camilla).

Apparently there is a portable hook, which is used to hang it discreetly under tables, a mirror and lipstick, reading glasses, mint lozenges a fountain pen and a crisply folded £5 note to donate to the church collection on Sundays. 

Now we know...

That’s it: I’m orf to piss in the wind

And today’s thought:

Angus

Slut Walk: Too hot for Wi-Fi: Her Maj goes Apple: Cooking up Mother’s day: No more hanging out in Maine: and Samoa time travels.

Spiffing day at the Castle this morn, sunny, touch nippy, calm, him/her upstairs has watered all the pots, hanging baskets and wall boxes and the roses have survived the downfall.

Took a stroll around the grounds last dark thing, the solar powered lights work a treat.

I spent my annual £5 on the garden yestermorn, bought two strawberry plants-in fruit for £1.29 each and ten begonias for £2.50, the Strawberries are placed so that I can reach up from the sun lounger and pluck them without having to move and the begonias have been distributed among the pots-hard work this gardening lark.

The latest thing among some ladies is the Slut Walk, apparently it all stems from the rather sexist remark from a Canadian Police officer who said “women should avoid dressing like sluts" if they wanted to avoid being raped.

Thousands have taken part in such marches in Canada and the US, and more than a few provocatively-dressed women are expected to march through London next month

The Slut Walk London website says it wants to end a culture of fear and victimisation. "Let's raise our voices and tell the world that rape is never, ever OK," it proclaims. "Not if she was wearing a miniskirt. Not if she was naked. Not if she was your wife, girlfriend or friend. Not if she was a prostitute. Not if she was drunk. Not if you thought she wanted to." 

Quite right, I may even attend to err…give my support.

Climate change kills your Wi-Fi

According to Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman climate change will disrupt Wi Fi connections, cause regular power failures and lead railway lines to buckle unless Britain spends billions of pounds.

She warned of intense rainfall, droughts and heat waves in the next 50 to 100 years because of man-made global warming. The signal from Wi-Fi cannot travel as far when temperatures increase. Heavy downfalls of rain also affect the ability of the device to capture a signal.  

I’ll just move the wireless router nearer to my laptop in 50 or 100 years.

Her Maj has it seems gone iPad

The Sun reported Monday the queen learned how to use the device from her grandsons, Princes William and Harry and "was particularly taken with how easy it was to use."

The queen already has a cellphone and iPods -- including one given to her by U.S. President Barack Obama in 2009 and a silver model she bought in 2005 that holds 1,500 songs.

Trouble with that is, in 50 or 100 years her Wi-Fi signal will be lost……sorry-wrong picture.

And talking of mālum

New York police said they arrested a woman accused of using a cooking pot to strike her child's father when he failed to give her a Mother's Day present.

Investigators said Aretavia Kimbrough, 28, woke boyfriend Charmean Allen, 28, who is the father of Kimbrough's 8-month-old son, at about 7 a.m. Sunday and demanded to know what he had purchased her for Mother's Day, the New York Post reported Monday.

Allen said he tried to explain to Kimbrough, who was holding their son in one arm and a cooking pot in the other, that he was planning to buy her candy and take her out to dinner, but she was not satisfied and struck him in the head with the pot.

Allen, who suffered a 4-inch gash to his head, called a friend for help and the friend dialed 911.

Police described Kimbrough as "crazed-looking."

"I hit him with a pot, and I'm glad I did," she allegedly told police, the report said. "I've been with him for seven years, and he never bought me nothing!"

Candy and a dinner-you just can’t please some people, malum by the way is latin for Apple, it also means Evil....

Still in the US of A

The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine, has been forced to close after its owner erected signs declaring 'boobies wanted'.

The US coffee shop originally made headlines after it upset locals when it opened in 2009, with customers served by semi-nude male and female staff.

Despite considerable opposition from locals the shop stayed open until now, when officials ruled its owner Donald Crabtree had been putting up signs illegally.

'I wanted to have some fun; I wanted to see people smile,' Mr Crabtree told the Maine Morning Sentinel.

'I started the topless coffee shop to do that, and it did. But now my smile's gone. 

So have the “Boobies”. 

And finally:

For more than a century Samoa has enjoyed the reputation as the last place on earth to see the sunset. But on Dec 29, Samoa will become a nation of time-travellers by erasing a day from the country's calendar and catapulting itself 24 hours into the future, making it one of the first countries in the world to see the sun rise.

In essence it is simply slipping from the eastern side of the International Date Line to the western side.

The change will put the Pacific island nation on the same weekday as its neighbours to the west, including Australia and New Zealand, and it is aimed at making trade with the countries easier and boosting the economy, and  will shift Samoa from being 21 hours behind Sydney to just three hours ahead – the same as Tonga.

The move comes 119 years after the island last shifted time zones, moving from west to east in 1892 in order to align with American traders in California.  

Fickle lot those Samoans…. 

That’s it: I’m orf to study Beavers. 

And today’s thought: Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Angus

Her Maj at 85: EU bollocks: Parlez vous francais?: Village idiots: Pussy up a tree: and Dear Dwarfs.

Yet another scorcher in the offing at the Castle this morn, still haven’t “done” the garden, or washed the windows, but I have cleared the kitchen of broken thingy’s for the Easter weekend.

As promised, the sad tale of the Rover and the Honda.

Last Tuesday I drove down the town and parked in the “open air” car park, paid my ransom to the council and did a bit of shopping.

About an hour later I returned to the Rover to find that some kind person had hit both nearside doors and driven off without leaving a note.

I rang my “Insurance Company” who told me that they wouldn’t pay up because I didn’t have anyone to blame and I could go away and procreate with myself.

That’s the bad news, the good news is that whilst on holiday at my sister’s place in Welsh Wales I mentioned that I was looking for a “new” car and it turns out that a Honda Civic was up for sale just down the road.

I had a look and the result is below, the thing that clinched it was the last bit of the number plate-very apt for a Dei.

That’s the good news.

Despite all the hardship, terrible living conditions and being married to Phil the Greek for all those years, her Maj has managed to make it to 85.

Click on the link above to see lillibet in pictures.

Bet Charlie is not a happy bunny this morn.

The EU money pit continues to siphon our cash

Here are some of the things we are paying for-

£94billion

The nine tenths of the EU's budget in 2009 that was “materially affected” by irregularities, projects that included the spending of more than £350,000 “improving the lifestyle and living standard of dogs” in Hungary.

£2billion

The annual cost of paying pensions to Eurocrats by 2040, British taxpayers will end up paying £350million of the total.

£136million

The amount British taxpayers paid for EU pensions in 2010, giving the average retired Eurocrat an income of almost £60,000.

You can see the rest by clicking on the link at the top, if your heart can stand the strain.

Over "la Manche"

The entire workforce of a British-owned factory in France is taking strike action because managers only speak English.

Around 184 French staff at the insulation firm are staging walk-outs because it is impossible to discuss wage rises and working conditions.

Shop steward Thierry Juvin said bosses could only say “bonjour” before talks broke down.

Staff has been downing tools three times a day since the English management took over.

France’s CGT union representative Pierrick Dumont said: “I don’t think it’s up to us to make the effort to speak English. We’re French workers based in France. Every meeting is an ordeal.

"We have to have someone who translates everything into English and then anything our boss says has to be translated into French. This makes dialogue extremely slow, if not impossible.”

The former director left Thermal Ceramics, which makes ceramic fibre insulation at Saint-Marcellin-en-Forez near Lyon, in January and an English acting chief who can’t speak French was appointed.

France has a notoriously nationalistic workforce, with staff frequently complaining about the growing Anglicisation of working practices – from English being used as the exclusive language of business to reduced lunch breaks.

Thermal Ceramics is part of the British Morgan Crucible Company and has four factories in France.

Well Baise-moi.

Back in British Blighty

Thieves hit a new low when they pinched the lead roof from a building in a model village.

The gang scaled a 9ft wall, cut through barbed wire and dodged security cameras to break into Merrivale Model Village in Great Yarmouth.

But despite their efforts, it’s ­estimated they’ll only make about £30 from the stolen slate.

Times are hard…..

Across the wet thing to the left

Buster has finally come down from a 150-foot pine tree in northwestern South Carolina after nine days, but the cat's owners aren't happy with local officials.

Linda Megretto told the Anderson Independent-Mail she expected to find the cat dead Monday, but her husband climbed a 40-foot ladder and coaxed the cat down.

Megretto says Buster stayed in the tree through two storms after becoming afraid when a neighbor chased the cat from his barking dog.

She says she called the Humane Society, fire department, police and animal control and got no help.

Sheriff's spokesman Chad McBride says there's no record she called.

Fire Chief Billy Gibson says firefighters no longer respond to such calls because of liability issues. Gibson says putting food at the base of a tree usually works.

Ah-the old Elfandsafety ploy….

And finally:

Right a fair bit to the North-ish bit of our green and sunny land.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will make do with child actors wearing masks instead when it runs at the Wolverhampton Grand Theatre in December, to keep costs down.

Theatre-goers said they felt cheated by the austerity measure while one dwarf actor, who was originally billed to perform, was said to be “devastated”.

The pantomime, starring former glamour model Linda Lusardi as the Wicked Queen, is now looking to recruit child actors to fill the seven slots vacated by dwarfs.

Jonathan Kiley, the executive producer of the show staged by QDos Entertainment, said: “Shows have become incredibly expensive.

“Audiences expect amazing effects and the sound quality they would get from the stereo in their homes.

“We want the shows to be as fantastic as possible and we spend a lot of money on effects.

“It costs hundreds of thousands of pounds to put the show on but we have to balance that.

“Money isn’t limitless and dwarfs are very, very expensive.”

Bet Dopey is a bit Grumpy.

That’s it: I’m orf to get a rolled up newspaper.

And today’s thought: I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there- Billy Connolly



Angus