Perceiving old age: Non-existent complaints: 20,000-volt Tesla coil lightning-blasting Nerf gun: Dog-sheep: and a rubbish motor.

Usual lack of warm, just as much solar stuff, quite a lot of atmospheric movement and gallons of evaporated skywater at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, the place was awash with interweb robots and one actually managed to crash into me while I was stood still trying to choose which flavour Dreamies to purchase for himself. 

And I have finally finished the antibiotics for my toofache...

 

According to an “official survey”

We think that we become old farts at 59 years, two months and two weeks; government researchers interviewed 2,162 Blightyites to determine this crucial “fact”.

And allegedly the age of no longer being young starts at 40 years, eight months and two weeks.

On average, women think old age starts at 60 years, four months and two weeks. Men think it starts at 58 - potentially because they tend to live shorter lives.

Those under 50 say old age begins staggeringly early - at just 46. But for those over 50, they say it begins at 62-and-a-half.

Those living in council housing say old age begins five years earlier than those who own their homes.

 

And the unemployed say middle age begins a huge nine years earlier than those in full time work.

Men believe they stop feeling young early than women do, at 38-and-a-half rather than 42 years and nine months.

Among 16 to 24-year-olds, this marker of middle age begins at 32. The over-80s believed that for them it began at 52 - just two years after the youngest group believed old age begins.

A spokesman for the Department for Witless Pillocks said “the disparity in perceptions” of ageing showed “the potential for age stereotypes to be applied in very inconsistent ways".

 

Who pays for this bollocks in this age of austerity-oh yes; we do....

 

All over our brown and muddy land

Film classification chiefs have seen "a spike" in the number of people complaining about a controversial film portraying Jesus and his disciples as gay men - even though it does not exist.

The British Board of Film Classification's (BBFC) senior examiner Craig Lapper said there was a "constant issue" with rumours that a movie version had been made of a controversial play called Corpus Christi.

The play, by Terrence McNally, is set in modern-day America and deals with issues including gay marriage but has never been made into a film.

Mr Lapper said: "I think it was a bit of an internet hoax several years ago suggesting a film was being made of the play in which Jesus and his disciples were portrayed as homosexuals, and I can remember replying to people concerned about this blasphemous film back in the late 1990s.

"And this year again, for whatever reason, there was another spike in people writing to us to insist that we ban this terrible blasphemous film. We just had to write back and say, 'This film doesn't exist'."

The BBFC received six complaints about it in 2011 and another two queries this year, with complainants often asking them to ban the film on the grounds it is blasphemous and offensive.

 

Eight whole complaints in two years, staggering...

 

Left to the home of cheap Leccy and the land of bright sparks

 

US basement hacker Rob Flickenger has “invented” a 20,000-volt Tesla coil lightning-blasting Nerf gun.

After brushing up on his physics using online MIT courses, Flickenger, through trial and error, setup the interior circuits.

"I'd switch it on, and nothing would happen, so I'd switch it off. Then I'd switch it on again and set something on fire," he told Popsci.com. In the end he used the transformer from an old television -- the current from an 18-volt lithium-ion battery flows through a circuit series over and over again, doubling the power each time. It then flows into a Cornell Dubilier capacitor bank, which stores it until it reaches 20,000 volts -- at this point, the current can jump between two tungsten wires, creating a spark (this part is housed in porcelain and a computer fan is fixed nearby to make sure it doesn't get too hot). The current jumps from one wire to the next, then feeds through to one coil (insulated high-voltage wire), then the next (plumbing pipe wrapped in copper wire). This process induces a magnetic field, which in turn creates an electrical field at the gun's nose and finally, the bursts of electric blue lightening.

It took him nine months to build and was made using cheap everyday objects like old cans, an old TV and a lithium-ion battery from a drill. The total cost came to around $800 (£500) and, after nine long months tinkering away at it, Flickenger debuted the lightning bolt gun at his wedding reception.

 

 Bet that went with a bang.....

 

Back in up Norf-ish Blighty

Timmy the sheep thinks he’s a dog. He even sleeps in a kennel and goes for walkies.

Timmy was rescued by farmers Samantha and Eric Perry after being orphaned when he was just few days old.

He bonded instantly with the couple’s dogs while being bottle-fed at their home in Aston-on-Trent, Derbyshire.

Samantha, 42, said: “Timmy definitely thinks he’s a dog – he always has.

“His favourite food is dog biscuits. When we take the dogs for a walk, he thinks nothing of coming along with us.”

Timmy, who is 18 months old, was brought up with Yorkshire terrier Poppy, Shih tzu Daisy-May, terrier Tyson, Jack Russell Sapphire, and Jack Russell cross Barney.

Now weighing 200lb, he has a new pal, Pandora, a tiny Chihuahua.

Samantha said: “He is great with her and all the other dogs. The fact that he thinks he’s a dog just adds a little eccentricity.”

 

I’d rather add a little mint sauce....

 

And finally:

 

Back to the left quite a way

According to the owner,  this pile of bits is worth a million Dollars, Antti Rahko's scrap metal stretch limo, the Finnjet, was insured for a million for its trip to star in the recent Essen Motor Show in Germany - and will likely have a similar asking price when it goes up for sale shortly.

Rahko, a former chauffer from Finland now living in the US state of Florida, spent 10 years building the Finnjet from scrap parts grafted onto a platform from two Mercedes-Benz 300TD station wagons.

It stretches over eight metres long and weighing in at 2.78 tonnes - and just in case that size isn't enough to catch your eye - the bizarre behemoth sports 86 lights, 36 mirrors and two natty jet engine housings containing the exhausts.

 

It ain’t what you ask for it-it’s what you get for it that counts...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find a Giant Panda (just in case the toofache comes back)

 

And today’s thought:

New SAS squad formed....

 

 

Angus

A bit more Periosteal pecking: Old age principle: Keep it in your pants: Jelly-Flower: Spagbollocks: The Dog’s in the dinner: and Cheep housing.

A touch of the big yellow thing at the Castle this morn, still cold and a fair amount of atmospheric movement, his Maj is a happy boy because he can go out, get covered in wet stuff and mud from the borders and then come in and sit on my lap.

More than a whimsy late because I have been to see my General Medic to have the Left elbow pecked in the Periosteal, hurt like buggery, but the real pain won’t kick in until tomorrow-so don’t expect any posts for a day or so....

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has pledged its support in principle for a cap on the amount people would pay for care during their lifetime.

A £35,000 lifetime limit was recommended by a government-ordered inquiry chaired by the economist Andrew Dilnot a year ago. Old people would take out insurance to cover payments up to this ceiling, with the state then picking up the bills.

But Son of a B.......aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (my Parlimentary pension will keep me out of care) Osborne has refused to sanction the £1.7bn a year cost, which was predicted to rise to £3.5bn over time, and decisions have been put off until a government-wide spending review due next year. This means social care reform is unlikely to happen before the 2015 election. When action is taken, the cap could be raised to as much as £75,000 to keep down the cost to taxpayers.

Instead the Elf Secretary will announce today that many of the 40,000 old people who have to sell their homes each year will be offered a form of loan through their local authority from April 2015.

And then get the money back when the old farts die and their houses are sold to repay the “loan”.

Snag-what if there is a husband, wife or partner still living in said dwelling, where do they go;  into care which will have to be paid for by the old farts who have paid tax all their lives?

 

And while the old get stuffed by the young

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is using the £1.7 billion saved from looking after the elderly to donate more than £1 billion to help family planning services in the developing world.

In a bid to help 24 million girls and women in the world's poorest countries, British aid will be doubled for eight years, International Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell will announce later.

Aid for family planning will increase from £90 million each year to £180 million - more than £1.4 billion over eight years.

Mr Mitchell said: "The health and rights of girls and women are front and centre of Britain's aid programme. Being able to plan the size of her family is a fundamental right that we believe all women should have.

"British support will mean that millions of women who are currently unable to access or use family planning information, services and supplies will be able to decide, freely and for themselves, whether, when and how many children to have.

While Blighty’s hard working older population is treated like second class citizens.

 

Dahn Unda

Australian company Bioconst has started research to create fluorescent flowers by splicing Californian jellyfish DNA into various blooms.

The company already produces a fluorescent substance which is sprayed on to flowers causing a glow but now work has started on flowers which emit light without the need for a spray. Professor Mark Tester, vice-president of Bioconst said:

"They would look the same, until you turn the light out and put them under a UV light. You wouldn't know there's any jellyfish there."

Spiffing...

Up in the Smoke (literally)

A pair of Cupid Stunts thought it would be a good idea to try to heat a tin of spaghetti – with a toaster and set their maisonette on fire, it took four fire engines and about 20 fire fighters to put out the blaze in  Hornsey Rise, north London.

According to Fire brigade watch manager Adam Barnett ‘The two men had wedged the toaster on and were cooking a tin of spaghetti on top of it,’ he said.

The mind boggles.....

And talking of Pasta

 

A recent Internet uprising has led to Caffé Tiamo, an Italian restaurant in Incheon, South Korea, to change its menu.

It seems that “Spaghetti alla Carne,” which contained dog meat is no longer available.

Apparently Korean food always was the Dog’s Bollocks…

And finally:

Left a lot to the home of the tree and the land of cheep housing

Californian builder Jayson Fann has gone into business creating human-sized nests made from locally harvested wood, which he cuts and spirals together

The constructions range from indoor love seats to thirty-person look-outs.

Each construction needs the help of two or three assistants, depending on the size of the project.

The lengthy process begins with stripping branches to ensure no damage is done to the living tree before removing the leaves and twigs.

The nests are mostly made of eucalyptus for its strength, and each sculpture needs two and a half trailers of wood.
By bending the wood and using counter-sunk screws the structure is expected to remain strong and intact for many years.

The custom-made nests can cost anywhere from $4000 to $20,000.

Well, at least they won’t get flooded.....

That’s it: I’m orf to charge my mobile with a T-Shirt

And today’s thought:

Olympic rings

Angus

Old age: Market forces: Killer rights: Vic’s Knicks: Pumpkin Pillock: and the Roman Empire fine.

Wet, windy and wanting at the Castle this morn, the study is filling up with comatose computers and his Maj is waiting for next Wednesday when he has his dangly bits lopped orf-not. 

Getting on a bit isn’t a lot of fun, bits stop working properly, things seem to move on their own accord to places that you can’t find, you move a lot slower but time seems to speed up, you buy more food but eat less and the face in the mirror doesn’t look like you at all. 

But, does the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition give a Tortoises’ Testes

No; at one time not so long ago age was a sign of wisdom and maturity deserving of respect, now it appears that those of us who are tottering towards the last of the summer wine are just a burden, we are economically void, and all “they” can see is an ever increasing drain on the economy.

The latest attack on the teenage challenged is that the ‘government’ funding for nursing homes and support for frail pensioners has been cut by almost a fifth.

More than £1.3 billion has been removed from councils’ annual spending on help for the over-65s since the Coalition came to power, House of Commons analysis found.

Most councils are increasing the fees they charge families for home help and meals on wheels as they attempt to plug the funding gap left by Treasury cuts.

Last year, son of a B...aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George Osborne, who apparently is the Chancellor, promised an extra £2 billion for councils to spend on care homes, meals on wheels and help for the elderly and disabled with daily tasks such as washing and dressing.

The analysis of government figures conducted by independent researchers in the Commons Library suggested that this extra money, which was not “ring-fenced”, had not made it to the front line.

 Probably because “we” have sent it to India in “aid”, makes you think...doesn’t it?

And while the old look forward to –not a lot

Britain's top company directors have enjoyed a pay rise of almost 50% in the past year, taking their average earnings to almost £2.7m.

A study of FTSE 100 companies by Incomes Data Services (IDS) showed that the 49% increase, which covers salary, benefits and bonuses, was higher than the 43% seen by chief executives.

Average bonus payments for directors increased by 23% from £737,000 in 2010 to £906,000 this year, said the report.

Steve Tatton of IDS said: "Britain's economy may be struggling to return to pre-recession levels of output, but the same cannot be said of FTSE 100 directors' remuneration.

"The generous remuneration packages that FTSE 100 directors now receive indicate a marked improvement in boardroom fortunes. 

Unlike the rest of us.

Over in the land of the free and the home of the 13^th amendment

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) claim the chain of theme parks violate the rights of killer whales under the 13th Amendment of the US Constitution.

Five performing whales at SeaWorld - Tilikum, Katina, Corky, Kasatka, and Ulises - are listed as plaintiffs in the complaint.

"All five of these orcas were violently seized from the ocean and taken from their families as babies," said PETA president Ingrid Newkirk.

"They are denied freedom and everything else that is natural and important to them while kept in small concrete tanks and reduced to performing stupid tricks," she said.

SeaWorld San Diego labelled the lawsuit, filed in the city on Tuesday, as "offensive". 

So why aren’t the Orca families suing then?

North of the border

A large pair of Queen Vic’s white silk bloomers, with a price tag of £3,000, is to be sold alongside a selection of other undergarments.

Black-and-white, hand-stitched silk stockings she wore when she went into mourning over the death of husband Prince Albert are expected to fetch between £500 and £800.

And three pairs of silk stockings, a lace night-gown and a pair of her gloves will also be sold.

The collection comes from the contents of Old Battersea House - the London home of the Forbes family, the American publishing dynasty.

The items will be auctioned by Lyon and Turnbull at their Edinburgh salesroom on November 1.

Must have a look through the Angus draws draw, there may be gold in them thar pants...

 

West a lot and up a bit

A teenager attacked with a pumpkin was taken to hospital Wednesday in a town north of Toronto.

Police said they were called to a high school where a 59-year-old man and a 17-year-old chased down another boy over a dispute. The 17-year-old then assaulted the victim, who is 18, while the man cheered him on. During the attack the victim was hit on the head with a large pumpkin, police said.

He was treated by paramedics and taken to hospital.

The man and the teen, both of Innisfil, were arrested.

The pumpkin was sentenced to be hollowed out and a silly face cut in the front and dragged around the neighbourhood by begging children.

And finally:

East to the land of Berlusconi and down a bit

Police in Sicily issued a whopping 32,000 Euros ($44,500) fine for an illegally parked car after totting up 2,000 years of interest by mistake, Italy's Repubblica newspaper said Wednesday.

The interest due was calculated from the year 208 A.D. after a policeman dated the fine back to the year 208 instead of 2008.

"When she opened the envelope with the parking fine, the owner of the vehicle had a dizzy turn and had to be taken to hospital," the paper said on its website.

The police later acknowledged the error and the woman's husband stumped up the 102 Euros actually due. 

He should pay it in Denarius.

That’s it: I’m orf to look for Drake’s body-should be easy to find-it‘ll be the one with bowls on it.

And today’s thought: Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.

Angus