Saturday Snippets

A blonde moment, A Numpty, A Grand nose, A Nanpty and A Twatter

Back to “normal” this weekend, no dry politics or other “proper” news, just an assortment of “interesting” items.

The weather in ‘Ampshire is sunny but cold, and I refuse to put the heating on in September, which has upset the Rat Faced Bat Cat who is now in constant need of a lap, so we have come to a compromise, I have put a hot water bottle under her duvet and I sit in the cold, but it does keep her quiet and allow me to get stuff done.


First up:

Oxford Hilton

The world has lost its reason, the Oxford book of quotations has lost its mind, you may ask why, and I will tell you.

Paris Hilton is listed in the latest version of the 65-year-old dictionary, released this week, alongside the likes of Confucius, Oscar Wilde and Stephen Hawking.

Her contribution? "Dress cute wherever you go - life is too short to blend in."

Hilton, 28, was delighted to be featured in the book, which is a renowned list of memorable sayings.

"So cool that I have a quote in the dictionary," she wrote on her Twitter page.

But it gets worse, Sarah Palin has an entry:

The former vice-presidential candidate makes the cut for her most famous quip: "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit-bull? Lipstick."


Oxford, city of dreaming spires and inane piss poor quotes.

A proper Charlie

You have heard of Daniel in the lions’ den, meet Charlie in the lion’s cage, this Numpty entered the said lion’s abode and proceeded to treat him like a moggy, and as you also know if you annoy a cat enough they will sink four paws worth of claws plus teeth into the nearest part of your anatomy.

And Lo! Such it was with this Pussy, who decided that Charlie wasn’t his darling and attacked him, watch the video, and wonder as I did what sort of “person” is stupid enough to attempt this stunt, or in Charlie’s case a Cupid Stunt.

NB: I will be doing the Cupid stunt awards next month; this guy is certainly a contender.

A Grand Road for nose

This one caught the attention of my brain cell because Camberley is just down the road.

Grand Avenue in Camberley, Surrey, has been named as the street with the nosiest neighbours in England.

People who live there are guilty of checking up on the house prices of other residents on the street more than householders anywhere else in the entire country.

Research carried out by property price comparison website Zoopla.co.uk found that home owners on Grand Avenue, where the average house is £342,421, seem to be more interested in checking on the value of their neighbours' homes than their own.

Alex Chesterman, co-founder of Zoopla, said that because visitors to his site have to enter their address before searching for prices of other properties, it made it easy to spot who was using the site to become a "virtual curtain-twitcher".

“As a nation, we’re obsessed with the value of our homes, but, as house prices have fallen it seems it’s not only our own houses that are under the spotlight.

"Home owners are increasingly monitoring their neighbour’s house values either looking for reassurance that their own property’s value hasn’t fallen by as much or taking some comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone... misery loves company,” he said.

People in London and the south east are four times more likely to check up on property prices than those in the north east, which researchers found was the least nosy region of England.

The top five nosiest streets are:

1 – Grand Avenue GU15 Camberley, Surrey
The average price of a house on the Grand Avenue is £342,421

2 – Albert Road KT21 Ashtead, Surrey
The average price of a house on the Albert Road is £222,806

3 – Ballsdown GU8 Godalming, Surrey
The average price of a house on the Ballsdown is £806,238

4 – Monkville Avenue NW11 Barnet
The average price of a house on the Monkville is £504,888

5 – Wickerwood Drive NG17 Kirkby-in-Ashfield, Nottinghamshire
The average price of a house on the Wickerwood Drive is £151,572

And the price of houses in Aldershot average about £1.50

12 grand in the bin

I have invented a new word for this item-Nanpty, which describes the elderly woman who has lost her life savings after accidentally throwing away £12,000 into her wheelie bin, which then ended up being buried in landfill in West Sussex.

After her daughter raised the alarm, bosses immediately closed the water transfer site for about an hour while the search was carried find the bundles of £50 notes that had been dumped in nearby Worthing.

When waste strategy manager Paul Willis questioned the owner, he discovered the missing money had been actually dumped six days earlier.

"By now the money will be sitting under a couple of hundred tons of waste at the landfill so any rubbish-sifting was futile," he said.

"Unfortunately, there is no hope - the chances of finding it at landfill are zilch.

"Obviously the staff wanted to help the lady and they did the best they could."
He added: "Some of the waste they searched through was pretty unpleasant. We gave it out best shot."

Mr Willis warned anyone thinking about hunting for the cash to stay away from the site.
"The waste for the whole of West Sussex goes there," he said.

"We send about 100 tons a day but there will be a couple of hundred tons of waste there by now.
"There is security there and people won't be able to get past. There is also lots of heavy, dangerous machinery."

No trace was ever found, with the money, thrown away in a navy blue re-usable shopping bag, believed to have been lost under tons of rubbish at a landfill site in Warnham near Horsham in West Sussex.

A team of 14 binmen spent 45 minutes searching through 25 tons of rubbish at the waste transfer facility in Lancing in a desperate bid to find the un-named woman's money.

They weren’t that desperate if they only searched for 45 minutes.

And finally:

This is why I hate Twitter so much

It seems that the bridges in London have twitter accounts.

Tower Bridge is being teased relentlessly by its neighbour London Bridge for the tedium and pomposity of its updates, while the Severn Bridge and Bristol's Clifton Suspension Bridge have fallen out over tolls.

The surreal online squabbles began shortly after the managers of Tower Bridge set up an official Twitter account to alert Londoners every time it is raised to let ships pass.

Its repetitive updates ("I am opening for the SB Lady Daphne, which is passing upstream", "I am closing after the SB Lady Daphne has passed upstream") were ripe for parody, and soon someone set up a rival account under the name "I'm London Bridge".

The bridge's first words on the site made its intention clear: "Certain other bridges in London think they're so cool getting a Twitter account. Well they're not. I'm the coolest bridge in London. Official."

London Bridge's attempts to get a reaction from its more admired rival have so far proved unsuccessful, but the taunting continues:

If you took a film of @towerbridge and speeded it up, it would look like the world's least exciting pinball machine. Without any balls.

Hey @towerbridge. When are you going to do something again? You're even more boring when you're just sitting there. Yawn.

Coo-ee @towerbridge. When are you going to do your impersonation of the fourth guy from the Village People again? I simply can't wait.

London Bridge's witticisms have attracted a decent audience - it has 1,400 followers, compared to Tower Bridge's 1,900 - and spawned a host of imitators.

P....lease! Get a firkin life.

Angus

AnglishLit

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

Angus Dei politico

Saturday Snippets

The sun is out, the sky is clear and all is right with the world, well almost.

First up:

Did you know:

That trains on Southern Railway are governed by Satnav?

Stunned passengers travelling on a train from East Croydon were told their train would be skipping six stations, owing to a faulty satellite link.

Passengers were told by the driver that the train would be stopping at the end of the line in Caterham, Surrey, due to a lost Satnav link. Many passengers who had wanted to alight at the stations in between were subsequently forced to wait half an hour for another train.

It is claimed that because some stations have shorter platforms than others, train drivers are unable to open the right doors at every station on the route without the aid of satellite navigation.

A spokesman for Southern Railway said: "A lot of our trains have GPS which recognises where the train is and allows it to open the doors at the station, depending on the length of the train and the length of the platform."

He added: "Doors can be opened manually in an emergency but we would not recommend it at other times."


So, the driver is there for?

The suspense is driving me insane

An American writer who failed to find a publisher for his novel is putting the book on Twitter - 140 characters at a time.

Matt Stewart, a San Francisco-based novelist, began "tweeting" his first book, The French Revolution, on the micro-blogging service on Tuesday (local time).

"As far as I can tell, I'm the first person to release a completed full-length literary novel on Twitter," Stewart wrote on his website, www.thefrenchrev.com.Stewart says it will take approximately 3,700 "tweets" to transmitall of the 480,000 characters in his book.

Stewart says putting the book on Twitter is a "social experiment" to "see how the world reacts to a long-form tale told in snippets."


I’ll tell him; it is really firkin annoying!

Conspiracy Theory

The original recordings of the first humans landing on the moon 40 years ago were erased and re-used, but newly restored copies of the original broadcast look even better, NASA officials said on Thursday.

NASA released the first glimpses of a complete digital make-over of the original landing footage that clarifies the blurry and grainy images of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walking on the surface of the moon.

The full set of recordings, being cleaned up by Burbank, California-based Lowry Digital, will be released in September. The preview is available at nasa.gov.


Yeah right.

Too much time on their hands

Police have released an e-fit of highwayman Dick Turpin - 270 years after he was hanged.

They used newspaper clippings and technology to create the first realistic picture of him.

Richard Turpin was executed in York in 1739 for murder, burglary, highway robbery and horse stealing.

York Castle Museum worked with North Yorkshire Police to develop a 'wanted' poster for an exhibition of the cells where he spent his final night alive.

Turpin has since been portrayed as a handsome rogue. But the new picture shows a man with broad cheeks, a narrow chin, a wig and a scarred face.

Researcher Katherine Prior admitted: "The results are not pretty."


Nor is the sight of an old lady being mugged while police fart about with computers.

And finally:



Read the menu

A British tourist accidentally ordered a £1,000 bottle of wine in a Prague restaurant.Andy Freegard was dining with girlfriend Helen Kelly when he picked a Chateau Margaux 1987 Premier Grand Cru Classe which he thought was £20.

Mr Freegard, an estate agent from Sandhurst, Berkshire, misread the price on the wine list.He got worried when waiters started flocking to his table to sniff the cork, says The Sun.Miss Kelly then asked the head waiter for the price in sterling, she said: "He just coolly replied '£1,000'. We were both completely shell-shocked."Mr Freegard added: "We realised something was not right when the standard of service improved dramatically. And when they brought out the decanter I was very concerned.

"After we learned the truth we knew we couldn't send it back. Taking each sip was heartbreaking, knowing it was £50 worth a gulp. In my defence, I was tired and it was dark in the restaurant."Wine expert Alex Britton said: "The Margaux is undeniably one of the best wines in the world."

What he needs is a stiff drink.

Angus


Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

THE SUNDAY SECTION

Something a bit different this Sunday, the Government and Old Gord in particular are so deep in the “Brown” runny stuff that I thought I would add my perspective of the political battlefield.

RESIGN AND CALL A GENERAL ELECTION YOU ARROGANT B*****DS!!!


There: I feel much better now back to business.


First up:

Ananova £300 million flying palace the world's largest private jet complete with its own concert hall is being built at a cost of £300 million.

Plans have been unveiled for the customised 240ft-long Airbus 380 Superjumbo, which is expected to be snapped up by mega-rich Arabs, reports The Sun.

The "flying palace" also boasts a Turkish bath steam room, a boardroom and garage for its owner's Rolls-Royce.

It is so huge a normal version could carry up to 850 passengers.

The deluxe version's owner will be driven up a hydraulic ramp into the garage. A red carpet will automatically unfurl.

The concert hall will have a stage, a baby grand piano and seating for ten people.

Builders Design Q expect to deliver the first plane in three years.

Possible buyers are thought to include the owner of the Savoy Hotel Saudi Prince al-Waleed bin Talal.

I just hope they have had the speed sensors checked.

Bit of politics-sort of: Sarah Brown becomes surprise Twitter hit Gord’s better half, and I suppose he has to have one has attracted almost 120,000 followers online.

In stark contrast to the mood of crisis in Downing Street her tweets over the past few days have spoken of "glorious" weather, outings with the children and "excitement" at the appearance of tiny strawberries in the garden.

Last weekend she told her followers how much she had enjoyed a trip to London Zoo, especially the water jets in the Splash Zone – "perfect for younger ones on a hot hot day".

Under the user name SarahBrown10, there are regular updates on her public duties, such as speaking at a reception for Chance UK, the mentoring charity, earlier this week.

There are also frequent replies to messages from other users even wishing them well with children's birthday parties or thanking them for recommendations on locations for days out.
There is little reference to politics although in one posting on Thursday night, in reply to an earlier message, she remarked cryptically: "I don't know what a shadow twitterer is."

Her total number of followers reached 118,718 on Friday, leaving her still some ground to make up to catch up with Barack Obama's 1.3 million.

In a message posted on Thursday, she explained: "I have really enjoyed Twitter since I started nearly 3 months ago – love the Tweet chat and info exchange.

"I learn alot here. Sarah"

Nice to see she is backing hubby with all means available to her.

Not really surprised, when you are married to a twit………….

Portsmouth the new Malta Southern Railways are attempting to lure travellers to Portsmouth by comparing it to the sun-soaked island of Malta.

In a new marketing campaign scheduled to run throughout the summer, Southern Railways – which operates services between central London and the south coast – describes Portsmouth as "The New Malta".

Although Portsmouth is famous for its naval history and its FA Cup-winning football team, it also boasts obesity rates and crime levels well above the national average.

Southern Railways' advertising campaign follows the unveiling last month of a French-themed online video comparing Blackpool, a traditional haven for stag and hen weekends, to a sophisticated European town.

"We probably get about two weeks of sunshine at best, and you are more used to seeing people fighting than socialising in a quaint café," said Tim Courtnell, a life-long Portsmouth resident. "The beach at Southsea is a mixture of shingle and Stella Artois cans on most days, and you wouldn't think of swimming in the sea."

I am quite fond of “Pompy” and have spent many happy days there, but what really worries me is that Southern Railways don’t seem to know the difference between a sun baked island in the Med and a cold windy English seaside town.

No wonder their service is crap, I wanted to get to a town just outside Shoreham by Sea which is near Worthing and I had to go Via Portsmouth.

Bit more Health and safety Sandpits disappearing from playgrounds Sandpits have all but disappeared from children's playgrounds across Britain, as councils blame health and safety concerns for the removal of the traditional play area.

A survey indicates that just 2 per cent of all playgrounds contain a sandpit, denying thousands of children the pleasure of digging and making sand castles in their local parks.

Councils across England, Scotland and Wales have ripped out many over the last two decades leaving fewer than 100 sandpits in the 4,815 playgrounds run by the 70 local authorities questioned by The Daily Telegraph.

Most have disappeared over fears that they pose a health and safety risk – with councils claiming poorly maintained sandpits sometimes contain broken glass, needles and are used by cat as a 'litter tray'.

Child experts, however, claimed these risks were exaggerated and the cost of maintaining them was the real reason for their disappearance.

Some 70 local authorities were surveyed by The Daily Telegraph, and Horsham District Council, one of the districts that has removed sandpits from local parks, said: "We closed a sand pit because it was being used regularly as a loo by a large number of cats.

"Despite regular and ongoing attempts to clean the area, we remained concerned about the potential health risks to children and other users of the sand pit."

How does Horsham know that a “large” number of cats are using sandpits as a loo?
It could just be one with the runs.


And finally:

Learn to talk proper like what I do a teenager working for men’s outfitters claims she was told to go John Lewis to see how to address customers properly and given a High Street guide on the correct way to speak.

Danielle Snelgrove, 18, says senior staff at TM Lewin, in the Trafford Centre, Manchester, told her the John Lewis approach to customer care was ideal.

By contrast, the McDonald's more prosaic way with words was to be avoided at all costs.
Miss Snelgrove, from Salford, Greater Manchester, who speaks with a regional accent, decided she didn't much care for the guidance and promptly quit.

"I couldn't believe it," she said. "I'm proud of where I come from and here they were telling me to bury my roots.

"It wasn't that they were deliberately unkind - it was just that I had a month of being told my accent didn't fit.

"I'd had enough when the manager and supervisor told me I needed to go to John Lewis to see how assistants speak to customers, and then to McDonald's to see how not to do it."

Miss Snelgrove sense of grievance is shared by staff at the Trafford Centre branch of McDonald's.

TM Lewin has launched an internal investigation into Miss Snelgrove's claims.

A spokesman claimed it would be "inappropriate" to comment on an individual case, but insisted that the welfare of staff was "of paramount importance to us."

The spokesman added: "We recruit people from all backgrounds and actively embrace regional diversity, all of which is encapsulated in our equal opportunities and diversity policy.

"We also aim to provide the very best standards of customer service. We thus train our

employees to understand what constitutes excellent service.

"At no time do we use other companies to demonstrate our service expectations."

No offence to Mancunians but pot-kettle?


Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

Back to normal today (well as normal as I get):


Ananova - Man crashed motorised bar stool

A US man has been arrested and charged with drink driving after he crashed a motorised bar stool.
The 28-year-old man invented and created the bar stool which he says can reach speeds of 38mph, reports the Newark Advocate.

Police reports said he rolled the Frankenstein-esque lawnmower and bar stool combination on his way home from the pub in Newark, Ohio.

The man claimed the bar stool could reach speeds of 38 mph on its five-horsepower engine but that he was travelling at about 20 mph when he crashed it.

He allegedly admitted to drinking about 15 beers when interviewed by police at hospital but insisted that was after the accident.

“I was riding bar stool and I wrecked. I wasn’t drinking when I wrecked, I drank afterward because my head hurt," he told WCLT Radio.

The man was issued a citation for operating a vehicle while intoxicated and driving under suspension. He has pleaded not guilty at an initial hearing.


I didn’t know that Hospitals supplied beer!

Ananova - Row over space toilets


Yep! The management even manages to firk it up in space:

Toilet troubles on the International Space Station-A Russian astronaut on the International Space Station complains he's been banned from using the US toilet and exercise bike.

Gennady Padalka, 50, told Russia's Novaya Gazeta newspaper the lack of sharing was lowering the crew's morale.

The veteran cosmonaut said the problem was due to the ISS becoming a more commercial operation, reports the BBC.

He said Russian and US cosmonauts had worked in perfect harmony for many years but the problem began in 2003 when Moscow started billing Washington for sending its astronauts into space.

Before he lifted off to join the ISS crew on Thursday, Mr Padalka had asked whether he could use a US gym to stay fit.

"They told me: 'Yes, you can.' Then they said no. Then they hold consultations and they approve it again. And now, right before the flight, it turns out again that the answer is negative."
The regulations now required US and Russian cosmonauts to eat their own rations, he said, adding: "They also recommend us to only use national toilets."

But Mr Padalka said: "Cosmonauts are above the ongoing squabble, no matter what officials decide. It's politicians and bureaucrats who can't reach agreement, not us."

Just one question-what the F is a “national Toilet”?




Ananova - Aqua coach launches

An amphibious coach claimed to be the most advanced in the world has been launched, allowing bus passengers to take to the waves.

The Amphicoach, which carries up to 50 passengers, is the brainchild of Scotsman George Smith.
The vehicle drives like a traditional coach until it reaches water, where its makers say it exhibits 'astonishing' sailing abilities.

The coach's wheels retract into a hull, made from marine-grade aluminium, allowing it to reach speeds of up to eight knots, powered by a jet-drive unit.

The spokesman added: "Due to the vehicle's superior stability and safety features the Amphicoach is a Modern Technological Wonder.

"Soon people will no longer be satisfied with just a city coach tour, they will want the complete package, a city coach tour with a water cruise built in."

Yeah-looks really stable to me-not.


Ananova - Twitchiker's round-the-world trek

A Gateshead man travelled all the way to New Zealand - thanks to donations from people who use Twitter.

Paul Smith, 33, dubbed the Twitchhiker, made the 11,000-mile trip without buying a single ticket, reports the Daily Mail.

He gave himself 30 days to complete the trek, and was forbidden to spend a penny on so much as a taxi journey.

"The Twitchhiker project showed that kindness is universal, that the whole can be infinitely greater than the sum of its parts, and that social media may begin online but it will converge with the real world whenever and wherever you let it," he wrote in his blog.

His original goal was Campbell Island, a remote outpost off New Zealand, but that would have relied on a ship's captain prepared to cross treacherous seas on a six day round trip for free.
So instead he headed for Stewart Island, population of just 400, and said he was satisfied with that.

"The aim was to travel as far as I could from home as possible within 30 days, and by reaching Stewart Island I'd travelled to a place the majority of New Zealanders have never set foot on," he said.

Great idea, by the way I could do with a new motor!



And finally:


German woman divorces husband for cleaning too much- Reuters

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman has divorced her husband because she was fed up with him cleaning all the time.

German media reported the wife got through 15 years of marriage putting up with the man's penchant for doing household chores, tidying up and rearranging the furniture.

But she ran out of patience when he knocked down and rebuilt a wall at their home when it got dirty, Christian Kropp, court judge in the central town of Sondershausen, said Thursday.

"I'd never had anyone seek a divorce for this," he said.
(Reporting by Franziska Scheven; editing by Myra MacDonald)

I don’t know you can’t please some people!

“As soon as you begin to believe in something, then you can no longer see anything else. The truth you believe in and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” Pema Chodron


Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

NHS-THE OTHER SIDE