The Grain train: Academic Twats: Toilet hostages: Three arses and an ass: Naked in the snow: Burning Brunost: and la puanteur françaises.

Lots of lack of warm, much less atmospheric movement, loads of frozen skywater and limitless amounts of lack of solar stuff at the Castle this morn, didn’t post yestermorn because of a “medical emergency”: his Maj decided to test out Newton’s law of plummeting fruit and fell out of the master bedroom window, he landed OK but smashed his face on a stone pot on the way dahn-blood, snot and drool in bucket loads.

Worried that he might have broken his jaw I got him dahn the Vets for a check up, and apart from a bloody nose and a “painkiller jab” he survived, and after giving the nice man £36 we went home and spent the day sleeping on the four-poster. 

This morn he is eating, doing his business and chasing invisible things around the garden, and apart from a slight limp from the jab is just about back to his “normal” self.

 

And Lovely Blogger has finally sorted out the IE picture upload thingy.

 

Just watched shit for brains “Dave” on Auntie

As he rambled on about Gord knows what with a bit about the EU and the next election, problem is I phased out after about three minutes and went to make a cup of coffee.

Anyone know what he actually said-or meant?

 

Apparently the reason that stale bread costs £1.45 a loaf dahn Tesco

Is that five multinational company’s control 90 per cent of the world’s grain trade, charities called for fresh action to crack down on tax avoidance by global corporations, claiming that the lives of 230 young children could be saved every day if firms paid their proper dues in the nations where they operated.

The new campaign challenges U-Turn Cam to take the lead in championing measures to stop tax-dodging by companies, prevent farmers from being forced off their land and ensure western nations live up to their promises on aid.

More than 100 charities and faith groups led by Oxfam have formed the largest coalition of its kind since the Make Poverty History campaign eight years ago. They are being backed by the billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates and civil rights activist Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Allegedly five multinationals – ADM, Bunge, Cargill, Glencore and Louis Dreyfus – control all but ten per cent of the world’s grain supplies.

 

Bastards.....

 

All over leafy lane Blighty

Leading ‘academics’ have told Patrick McLoughlin, the Transport Secretary that pay as you drive road charging should be introduced to tackle congestion and cut carbon emissions.

In an open letter they warned that ploughing more money into Britain’s road network will only generate more traffic.

Signed by 32 leading transport academics including Prof. David Banister of Oxford University and Prof. Peter Mackie of Leeds, the letter called for a radical rethink of strategy by Whitehall.

 

Here we go again, a load of tossers that exist in their ivory towers in a city that hates motors think they know how to save the world by pricing motorist’s orf the road.

There are many solutions, one of which is to charge “normal” road tax for the first car registered at an address, charge double for the second car, triple for the third and so on, this would make people think twice about stocking up on transport and may even reduce the piss poor parking problems we all suffer from both at home and out and about.

 

East to the land of most things

 

Hundreds of Chinese factory workers angry about strictly timed bathroom breaks and fines for starting work late held their Japanese and Chinese manager’s hostage for a day and a half before police broke up the strike.

About 1,000 workers at Shanghai Shinmei Electric Company held the 10 Japanese nationals and eight Chinese managers inside the factory in Shanghai starting Friday morning until 11.50 p.m. Saturday, said a statement from the parent company, Shinmei Electric Co., released Monday.

It said the managers were released uninjured after 300 police officers were called to the factory.

A security guard at the Shanghai plant said Tuesday that workers had gone on strike to protest the company's issuing of new work rules, including time limits on bathroom breaks and fines for being late.

"The workers demanded the scrapping of the ridiculously strict requirements stipulating that workers only have two minutes to go to the toilet and workers will be fined 50 Yuan ($8) if they are late once and fired if they are late twice," said the security guard, surnamed Feng.

 

Good for them, especially the more mature workers as it can sometimes take more than two minutes just to “get going” when one is an old fart...

 

West to the land of white powdery stuff

Three thieves who tried to burgle a shop had to abandon the raid - when their getaway donkey made too much noise.

The trio had to ditch their ill-gotten gains in the early hours break-in in Colombia after the donkey started braying and alerted police.

The group had stolen rum, oil, rice, cans of tuna and sardines from a shop in the tiny town of Juan de Acosta, reports Noticias Caracol.

They planned to load the goods onto ten-year-old donkey Xavi, which they had stolen earlier, and make their escape.

But it let out a series of 'hee-haws' and the trio decided to ditch the animal, which was still carrying the stolen items, and make good their escape.

Shop owner Fabio Orozco said: "They came through the roof to rob. They took rum, rice, everything."

The donkey was detained in the town police station for 12 hours until owner Orlando Olivares was notified and came to collect him.

 

Better than a burglar alarm, and it mows the lawn as well....

 

All over white fluffy stuff Blighty

A new craze has emerged-getting naked in the snow, it all started when care worker Leanne Myers, 40, stripped to her undies to pose for a picture playing guitar in the snow with 25-year-old neighbour Danielle Smith.

In a bid to cheer up workmates Leanne posted the picture on a Facebook page she set up called “Wiltshire, let’s get naked in the snow!”

She also invited friends to strip off for their own goose-bump photos in the snow - and 250 people have taken up the challenge in just three days.

Leanne, from Durrington, Wilts, said yesterday: “It is totally amazing, I really had no idea it would take off like this.

“People have really embraced it, and a lot of the pictures are of friends of friends, but now there’s some coming in from people I don’t know.

“I’ve had interest from Abu Dhabi and America and people messaging me saying ‘we’re not in Wiltshire, can we send in a pic?’

“They are welcome from anywhere, as long as they are kept tasteful.”

 

Bugger, knew there would be a snag...

 

Right a bit to one of the upper countries

A truckload of burning cheese has closed a road tunnel in Arctic Norway for the last six days.

Some 27 metric tons of flaming brown cheese (Brunost), a Norwegian delicacy, blocked off a three-km (1.9 mile) tunnel near the northern coastal town of Narvik when it caught fire last Thursday. The fire was finally put out on Monday.

"This high concentration of fat and sugar is almost like petrol if it gets hot enough," said Viggo Berg, a policeman.

Brown cheese is made from whey, contains up to 30 percent fat and has a caramel taste.

"I didn't know that brown cheese burns so well," said Kjell Bjoern Vinje at the Norwegian Public Roads Administration.

He added that in his 15 years in the administration, this was the first time cheese had caught fire on Norwegian roads.

 

That looks something like my toilet deposit this morn, mind you if a bakers van crashed into it they could have Norwegian rarebit....

 

And finally:

 

From across the British Sea

A stinking cloud of gas has been hanging over large areas of England after a leak at a French chemical plant, sparking thousands of calls to emergency services.

The sulphurous stench - likened to rotten eggs - is said by officials to be completely harmless.

But police in Kent, Sussex and Surrey began to receive floods of calls from concerned residents on Tuesday morning - and by afternoon there were reports of the unwelcome whiff in Oxfordshire and as far north as Northampton.

The gas, called mercaptan, was accidentally leaked from a factory in the northern city of Rouen and before long had drifted over the English Channel.

It is sometimes added to natural gas to alert people to gas leaks

The National Grid, which would normally deal with up to 10,000 calls countrywide in a day, had received an "unprecedented" 100,000 calls by 2pm.

The stench was reported as far north as Northamptonshire

Sussex Police said: "The smell is from an additive to the gas which has an unpleasant aroma but is not toxic and there is no danger to the public."

The Health Protection Agency (HPA) said the gas had diluted since entering the air over England, and, although it may cause some people to feel slightly sick, it will dispel naturally.

 

I blame the French obsession with garlic...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to get some privacy visors

 

And today’s thought:

Orf the menu

 

Angus

The Circle of donations: Corrupt coppers: Royal Mail fails for two decades: The Asgarda of Ukraine: Cheap as cheese: and a really, really grumpy pussy.

Oodles of lack of warm stuff, overwhelming amounts of solar stuff, only a whimsy of atmospheric movement and not one drop of wet stuff at the Castle this morn.

Orf out tomorrow so no post, going dahn to Beaulieu with some mates to have a drool at the motors and a nice pub lunch by the seaside.

 

According to the Mirror

 

The Tory Party has raked in more than £1million in donations from City executives set to make a fortune from its plans to privatise large swathes of the NHS.

We can today reveal fat cat shareholders in the company Circle Health – the first private firm to take over an NHS hospital – have given the Conservatives over £1.4million.

Our research also shows that overall David Cameron’s party has been given more than £10million from those with links to private health.

Labour yesterday said the donations, made since 2001, lifted the lid on the cosy relationship.

And it accused the Tories of “carving up” the NHS for their wealthy chums in big business.

The revelations come days after new Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt shortlisted Circle Health’s spin chief Christina Linnet to be his new media boss.

She previously worked for former Conservative Health Secretary Andrew Lansley before the Tories came to power.

Official records also show Tory MP Mark Simmonds is paid £50,000 a year by Circle for 10 hours’ work a month.

The links between private health companies and the Conservative Party became a matter of public debate after Circle was last year handed a 10-year contract worth £1.2billion to take over the failing Hinchingbrooke hospital in Cambridgeshire.

Its directors think the contract is the first of many – and have set out business plans to clinch NHS bids worth more than £8billion

 

Bye, bye NHS...

 

And all across the Smoke

Allegedly nearly 50 Metropolitan Police officers have been suspended for corruption in three years, of the 258 officers suspended for offences also including sexual assault, neglect and assault, 38% of cases were proven and 11% of officers were sacked.

The officers were paid about £3.6m during their suspensions.

The figures, released under the Freedom of Information Act, show the number of officers suspended on full pay for three years between 2009-11.

Nearly half of those suspended were special constables, who are unpaid.

Although the specifics of each case have not been revealed, the Met said some instances of corruption included handling stolen goods and fraudulent overtime claims.

PC Simon Harwood was recently sacked for gross misconduct after he was found guilty of breeching standards in connection with Ian Tomlinson's death at the G20 protests.

He was initially suspended from duty in 2011.

Others suspended include: Gareth Beard who was found guilty of fraud; Philip Juhasz who was sacked for racially abusing the manager of a snack kiosk at King's Cross railway station; Det Con Daren Pooley who was jailed for defrauding the force after he overcharged for rented apartments, and David Price who was found guilty of growing cannabis.

The BBC has also obtained figures which show 372 police staff were suspended between 2009-2011.

 

Makes you proud, doesn’t it?

 

Up Norf to Blighty’s second city

Postmen failed to collect letters from a post-box at one of the country’s busiest railway stations for 23 years.

Builders working on the renovation of Birmingham New Street Station found the dusty letters dating back to 1989 when they removed the box last week.

The box was sealed earlier this year after rail commuters complained that they caught their fingers in the narrow flap. An “out of action” sign was hung across it.

Workers say they cannot understand how the letters escaped the notice of postmen. The box was in full view of thousands of travellers for more than two decades.

One postal worker said: “We didn’t know it was there, to be honest.

 

The stamp of Royal Fail

 

 East to the land of...something

In the Ukraine, a country where females are victims of sexual trafficking and gender oppression, a new tribe of empowered women is emerging. Calling themselves the “Asgarda”, the women seek complete autonomy from men.

Residing in the Carpathian Mountains, the tribe is comprised of 150 women of varying ages, primarily students, led by 30 year-old Katerina Tarnouska. Reviving the tribal traditions of the Scythian Amazons of ancient Greek mythology, the Asgarda train in martial arts, taught by former Soviet karate master, Volodymyr Stepanovytch, and learn life skills and sciences in order to become ideal women.

Little physical documentation existed on the tribe, until recently, when renowned French photographer, Guillaume Herbaut, met the Asgarda back in 2004 in the midst of the Orange Revolution.

 

But can they cook a roast dinner....

 

West more than a lot and up a bit

 

A Canadian police officer was among three people charged as the country's authorities announced they had busted a major cheese-smuggling ring.

A joint US-Canadian investigation found C$200,000 (£125,600) of cheese and other products were illicitly brought over the border into southern Ontario.

The smugglers sold large quantities of cheese, which is cheaper in the US, to restaurants, it is alleged.

The other two men charged were civilians, one a former police officer.

In their statement, Niagara police said an investigation had been ongoing since January 2012. Mr Heron was suspended from the police force in June.

"The network involved the purchasing of cases of cheese and other food items and transporting these cases into Canada, without declaring the items or paying duty," police said.

Once the cases arrived in the country, they were distributed to restaurants in southern Ontario.

The accused allegedly made a profit of over C$165,000.

 

Not surprised, seen the price of cheese? Especially dahn Tesco.

 

And finally:

 

Dahn a smidge to the home of pussy and the land of unhappy

 

 A cat named Tardar Sauce, or ‘Tard’ for short, has become internet-famous for its astoundingly grumpy face.

According to Knowyourmeme.com, Tardar Sauce, now known as Grumpy Cat, rose to internet fame after his photo was uploaded to social networking sites Facebook and Reddit.

Within the first 48 hours of its image being uploaded, the cat was up voted more than 25,300 times on Reddit, and the pictures were viewed more than a million times on Imgur.

Tardar Sauce's favourite foods are mice and tuna.

 

Bless...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to try out Bi-Fi

 

And today’s thought:

 

 Oh yes it is...

 

Angus

Fromage a la Smoke: Beeb bonuses: Big Apple-big bills: Matchstick man: BMW box woes: Museum of moving lingerie: and a Bum gun.

‘Tis cold, crispy and calm yet again at the Castle this morn, the study is overwhelmed with wonky what knots and his Maj has discovered the joy of shredding the shower curtain. 

I spent an hour or so in the garden trying to move a large “mock orange” shrub, after digging all the way round the roots and then attacking the hole with my new axe, shoving a pry bar underneath it and jumping up and down on the handle, digging even more soil out around the blessed thing it hasn’t even moved a smidge-think I need a plan “B”.

And a happy 70^th birthday to Mohammed Ali-he was the greatest.

Up in the Smoke

There is a new experience; L'Art Du Fromage, the first speciality cheese restaurant in Britain. The menu is built around cheese-based dishes: there are fondues, raclettes, a glorified version of cheese on toast and even cheese ice cream.

Mr Ledogar and his business partner Jean-Charles Madenspacher, who are both 24, have left their village outside Strasbourg, Alsace, to move to the UK. Their mission: to banish the British obsession with mild cheddar and ignite an altogether fierier relationship with aged milk curd.

Their restaurant, off London's King's Road, near Chelsea, has just opened for business.

The cheeseboard offers Roquefort (replete with the Penicillium roqueforti fungus and its "healing properties") and Langres (bathed in Champagne), and one of the dearest, the Salers de Buron.

Opening day didn’t go too well, the sole couple tucking into their cheeseboard lunch at L'Art Du Fromage were actually French relatives of the proprietors.

 

Good luck with that-I hope Worrall Thompson doesn’t get a whiff.....

Staying in the capital

Allegedly four senior BBC executives have been paid hundreds of thousands of pounds in bonuses despite a pledge by the director-general to scrap the payouts.

The managers shared around £275,000 in top-up payments last year, Chris Kane, receiving £155,000 in addition to his £206,000 salary, according to the flailing sail, Chief technology officer John Linwood received a bonus of £70,000 last year, making his total pay £358,000 - a total which included a pay rise of £40,000.

On Demand general manager Daniel Danker, who is responsible for the "strategy and delivery" of the iPlayer catch-up service and Red Button interactive services, was awarded £40,000, taking his total pay package to £213,000.

Human resources director of vision, north and nations Claire Dyer received an additional payment of £11,000.

Nice to see that our license money is going to good causes....

Left to the land of the sick and the home of the computer error

Patients at a Bronx hospital are getting billed for tens of millions of dollars because of a computer error.

Alexis Rodriguez says he almost had an asthma attack when he received a bill for $44.8 million from the Bronx-Lebanon Hospital Centre.

Rodriguez told the New York Daily News that he was hospitalized last spring with pneumonia and was afraid the bill was legit.

Turns out the company that prepares the bills had mistakenly put the invoice number in the space where the invoice amount should go.

The billing company is telling patients to ignore the multi-million-dollar bills. It is sending out corrected ones.

There was no immediate response from the hospital on Monday, which was a holiday.

That’s one way to cut the waiting lists....

Right more than a lot

Bulgarian artist Plamen Ignatov, has spent the last 16 years of his life making a detailed matchstick model of the Rila Monastery, from around 6 million sticky things that come in small boxes.

Rila Monastery is the largest and most famous Orthodox monasteries in Bulgaria, and is regarded as one of the most important cultural and historical monuments in Southern Europe. It is also listed as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. 

Never heard of it, and I hope he has fire insurance…

And talking of things that come in small boxes

Nearly 30,000 Mini Coopers are to be recalled in Britain after makers detected an electrical fault which could lead cars to catch fire.

German car maker BMW said the recall concerns 235,000 vehicles worldwide.

Safety checks revealed a problem which can cause the water pump to fail, potentially causing the car to overheat.

Manufacturers are investigating one case in Britain where a fire is being linked to the water pump, a spokesman said.

The recall relates to two models - the Mini Cooper S and the Mini John Cooper Works.

The company said owners will be issued with a recall notice in the next few weeks.

But a spokesman insisted the vehicles remain safe to drive and there is a "very low incidence" of the fault.

It seems that BMW are getting very close to British Leyland’s “that’ll do” mantra.

Right a whimsy to the land of cheesy museums and a big metal tower

Paris's Musee D'Orsay is threatening to sue a lingerie company after three models paraded around the museum in bras and knickers.

Works by artists such as Van Gough and Renoir had to compete with models from lingerie firm Etam for the eyes of bewildered spectators.

The models were filmed for a video intended as a viral marketing campaign. It starts with the girls waiting outside the art gallery in trench coats.

Once the models are inside the gallery they shed their overcoats to reveal their scantily-clad bodies to astonished art lovers.

However, the museum was not amused by the stunt and has called the incident "a serious infringement of the Orsay's rights and the rights of others".

The museum's director has reportedly threatened legal action against Etam if the lingerie maker does not remove the video from its website.

Now that is art…..

 And finally: 

Back over to the right to bear arms place

Police in Georgia believe that despite multiple searches after a traffic violation , a suspect managed to sneak a 10-inch gun into a prison last Monday by concealing the weapon in his rectum.

One day later, officers confiscated the .38 revolver from the jail cell of Michael Leon Ward, arrested Jan. 9, a statement from the Onslow County Sheriff's Office explains.

They'd performed a strip search on Ward and even required that he "squat and cough" to see if he held any contraband, but nothing turned up, according to MSNBC.

He was initially arrested because police allegedly found drugs and related paraphernalia during the traffic stop.

Jailhouse guards discovered the handgun in the toilet after other inmates reported Ward.

 

Ye gods! I pity the poor sod that has to clean it.

That’s it: I’m orf to get me face scanned.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Gord help us; Ed’s priority; Odd ASBO; Rat diners; Old Cheese; and Towed away.

Dark, damp and dozy this morn, still not sure about the New Site not many “widgets” available and there seems to be a problem with band width, it takes a long time to save sometimes.

But the worst thing is that there is no way to have my Blog list of all the blogs I follow, and I know what a pain it is for readers to change their follow lists to the new address.







And talking of pains I see that Gord has managed to find a way to cut public spending by £12 Billion over the next four years.

After what seems like a lifetime of labour, although it has only been 12 years or so, why is it that ‘prudent’ Gord suddenly finds all this money in savings?

There has been no trimming down of the bloated Government admin creep for over a decade and suddenly it has all become clear to him, it couldn’t be that his first election is coming up can it?










And of course Ed Miliband, one half of the cloned twins has decided that “action on global warming should be a priority”, despite the fact that he isn’t helping much and again after a decade or so of the suspicion that climate change is happening it is suddenly “a priority”, election creep again?

Laugh, I could get nicked

From North of Hadrian’s wall: Stuart Hunt, 46, was charged for allegedly laughing at the teenage daughter of the couple he has had a dispute with for six years.

He claims that the 15-year-old was dancing in the street as he drove past after dropping his two children at school.

Mr Hunt insists that all he did was smile, shake his head and laugh, but that may be enough to land him in court, accused of breaching one of the most unusual Asbos imposed in Scotland.

The interim court order, granted in 2007, imposed a series of restrictions on Mr Hunt, whose dispute with his neighbours Stuart and Shirley Latham dates from a row over speed bumps he placed on the access road they share.

The order prevents him from laughing at people, staring at anyone or slowly clapping his hands at the actions of others.

He is also banned from waving objects at people and adopting a menacing stance.

Mr Hunt, from Drumnadrochit on the banks of Loch Ness, said he was being “systematically criminalised”, adding: “There must be terrorist suspects who have more human rights than I've got here.

“Two police officers turned up at my house and charged me with breaching the Asbo by laughing at the neighbours' daughter. They charged me with laughing specifically, and only with laughing. I couldn't believe it. It's absolutely absurd.

He’s bleedin lucky he can find something to laugh about.

You want sauce with that?

Two stars of the reality TV show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here" have been charged with animal cruelty after allegedly killing and cooking a rat to eat during filming.

Chef Gino D'Acampo who won the viewer-feedback contest series and actor Stuart Manning were charged after animal welfare activists lodged a complaint about a segment for the British TV program, which was filmed in Australia, the activists and British media reported Sunday.

In a statement to The Associated Press, New South Wales state police said Sunday that two men, aged 33 and 30, were charged with animal cruelty for acts in connection to the program but did not give names or other details.

They have been asked to appear in court to face the charge Feb. 3. The maximum penalty is three years in prison.

D'Acampo is 33 years old and Manning 30.

The show's producer, ITV, confirmed in a statement that "the New South Wales RSPCA is currently looking into an incident in which a rat was killed in the camp."

"The killing of a rat for a performance is not acceptable. The concern is this was done purely for the cameras," David O'Shannessy of the New South Wales RSPCA told the British Broadcasting Corp.

He said producers were normally required to have animal welfare officers on set when animals were used during filming, but in this case it did not take place.

"I'm a Celebrity" strands C-list celebrities in the Australian jungle, subjects them to a series of icky trials involving spiders and snakes, and allows the public to vote them off the show one by one.
Can we have a programme for MPs, maybe it could be called ‘I’m an MP leave me here for ever.’

Cheddar Gorge

From over the briny: A 15-year-old cheddar made in Wisconsin, possibly the most mature cheese for sale in the country, is selling well despite the $50-per-pound price tag, its producer said Saturday.


Hook's 15-year Sharp Cheddar, produced in 1994, went up for sale in a handful of outlets on Friday and has proven popular, said cheese maker Tony Hook.

"It started moving a lot faster than we expected," said Hook, 57, who - along with his wife and brother - runs Hook's Cheese Co in Mineral Point, Wisconsin. "People have been so excited about it."

The cheddar began as part of a gigantic batch that weighed 5,200 pounds. The Hooks let much of the batch age, and sold large chunks at the 10- and 12-year marks. But they felt it was aging so flavourfully that they saved 1,200 pounds to let it mature a few years longer, Hook said.

It's rare for cheddar to last that long, said John Umhoefer, the executive director of the Wisconsin Cheese Makers Association.

"Fifteen years is a good stretch of time to hold cheddar - perhaps as long as cheddar can hold for most people's palates," Umhoefer told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
"Making cheddar that ripe, without it turning bitter or acidic, is a rare skill."

Umhoefer said he thought Hook's cheddar could be the oldest available on the market. There may be older cheddars, he said, but those would be in private collections.

The average cheddar fan is probably used to fresher samples. Shredded samples available in grocery stores are probably one to two months old, Hook said.

But anyone who has cleaned mouldy cheese from their refrigerator knows that even well-sealed samples don't keep for long, much less 15 years.

The secret is starting with precisely the right sample, Hook said, a sample that has no "off flavours" and progresses smoothly.

15 years, I’ve got tins of soup older than that.

And finally:

The Monday Numpty

From over the big wet thing again: Tallmadge Township, Mich. Authorities said a man trying to burglarize a southwestern Michigan towing and auto-repair shop got a surprise when he found tow truck drivers inside still on the job.


The Grand Rapids Press reported the Marz Collision Services drivers were drinking coffee around 8 p.m. Friday in Ottawa County's Tallmadge Township when they heard noises in another room.

Owner Bob Marz said a man had just broken a window and was attempting to enter the building. The man took off on foot, and driver Todd Hodges pursued in his wrecker - calling police with his cell phone.

Authorities arrested a 45-year-old Grand Rapids man. He's expected to face burglary charges.

The drivers, who had spent the day pulling cars from snow banks,
Stayed on the job after the arrest.

First rule of burglary-make sure the place is empty.


Angus

AnglishLit

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

Angus Dei politico

Scarecrows, witches, cheese and a bit of titillation

The rain has eased up, the sun is back and I have to mow the bloody lawn, but at least I have stopped “leaking” and my hair is dry for the first time in over a week.

But it seems that no matter what the weather is like there are always news items to amuse and amaze.

And I have a small confession, I started to watch the Michael Jackson memorial thing, for the first five minutes until they wheeled the body in………..




First up:

Police in Bancaster, Norfolk Have arrested and detained a scarecrow that was made to look like a copper with a speed gun.

The 7ft tall scarecrow was put up on the roadside to promote a village scarecrow festival while also encouraging speeding motorists to slow down.

However, a passing policewoman took it away in her patrol car within four hours of it being put up.

The scarecrow was later reported stolen by festival organiser Miranda Skillings, 56, who had earlier got permission from police to put up the fake traffic officer.

After three hours Norfolk Police located the scarecrow and an officer was sent to replace it.

However, Mrs Skillings was asked to remove the fake radar gun as the force believed it was giving out "an inappropriate message" and might confuse drivers.

Mrs Skillings said: "We get people to put up scarecrows in their gardens and funny places as a prelude to the fete. Last year we had around 50 in the village.

Insp Dave Buckley, of Norfolk Police's Hunstanton and Burnham neighbourhood policing team, said in a statement: "We gave permission for the organisers to create a scarecrow of a police officer - but the owner of the scarecrow used a plastic drinks bottle to symbolise a speed radar gun.

"As a result an officer removed the scarecrow as it portrayed an incorrect and inappropriate message to passing motorists. We appreciate the spirit of the family-oriented festival but our priority is the safety of motorists.


Since when?





Wookey Hole needs a witch: the tourist attraction near Wells, Somerset, has advertised at the local Job Centre for someone to teach visitors about witchcraft and magic after its previous employee retired.

The successful applicant 'must be able to cackle' and 'must not be allergic to cats' but will enjoy a salary of £50,000 pro rata based on work during school holidays and at weekends.

"So the job is straightforward: live in the cave, be a witch, and do the things witches do."

Auditions for the role are being held on July 28 in front of a panel of judges who will assess applicants costume and character as well as the ability to perform witch tests.

"Ambitious witches, looking for a key career move, should turn up dressed for work and bring any essential witch accoutrements.

"A limited range of potion ingredients will be available.

"We are witchless at the moment so we need to get the role filled as soon as possible.

"We are looking for someone who is friendly, a little mischievous and with lots of character."


So if you want to fill Wookey hole’s hole, go for it.



Tesco are so worried about losing money to shoplifters they have added security tags to ……..cheese.

Yep, the biggest retailer in Christendom thinks that cheddar has become a “luxury” item.
The store in Brockworth, Gloucester, has acted because of a spike in thefts following the economic downturn.

A Tesco spokesman did not say what rise in shoplifting there had been at the store, but said: "We have a number of security measures that we enforce in our stores across the UK.

"The decision to use security tags is always made by the manager of the store and tags are used on various items such as bottles of spirits, all at the manager's discretion."

The Retail Food Consortium added that electronic tags could soon be put on all supermarket food.

"We expect crime to go up during the recession," a spokesman said. "Shops will look at this and step up security."

Last year it was reported that thefts were up by more than a third at Tesco since the effects of the economic downturn began to bite

Couple of thoughts:

Shoplifters are the scum of the earth, and in no way do I condone theft.

Tesco have more than doubled the price of cheese “because of the recession”, why not reduce the prices to a reasonable level, they can afford it and it would reduce the risk of food being stolen.



Titillation, now there’s a word I haven’t heard for a long time, but apparently a poll of nearly 2,000 women aged between 45 and 60 found that romantic fiction was the most popular genre – chosen by 35 per cent of those surveyed.

Nearly two thirds said they liked raunchy scenes in novels, and more than half described sex in books as "titillating".

A further 10 per cent of those questioned on their reading habits said they actively chose books which featured lots of sex scenes.

Meanwhile crime and mystery novels got 33 per cent of the vote, and other novels 31 per cent.
Top 10 books women would take to a desert island, according to the survey:

1 Bridget Jones's Diary – Helen Fielding (20 per cent)

2 Atonement – Ian McEwan (14 per cent)

3 Harry Potter (any book) – J K Rowling (13 per cent)

4 The Time Traveler's Wife – Audrey Niffenegger (9 per cent)

5 Murder on the Orient Express – Agatha Christie (8 per cent)

6 The Other Boleyn Girl – Philippa Gregory (8 per cent)

7 The Life of Pi – Yann Martel (7 per cent)

8 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks (7 per cent)

9 Notes on a Scandal – Zoe Heller (7 per cent)

10 Memories of a Geisha – Arthur Golden (6 per cent)

Reference books were the least popular. Among these, cookbooks were favourites, according to the survey by the moisturiser brand Astral.


Well a rolling pin isn’t “titillating” or is it?


And finally:


A bridge too fat Ambulances have been banned from crossing Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol because they are too heavy.

The vehicles will no longer be able to use the historic bridge to get to emergency calls.

Great Western Ambulance Service (GWAS) has sent a memo to paramedics informing them that they must not use the 150-year-old bridge, built by engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

The Grade I listed landmark has a weight limit of four tonnes, but when fully loaded the new-style ambulances brought in last year weigh five tonnes.

The new emergency vehicles are fitted with additional equipment like CCTV cameras and a charging unit for defibrillators.

Instead ambulances will now have to use the A4 Portway and Brunel Way across the Cumberland Basin, a detour of around two miles, to get to and from North Somerset.

But rapid response vehicles will still be able to use the bridge and GWAS said the distance will be made up in crews being able to drive faster on the Portway and Brunel Way.

Melanie Glanville, spokesman for GWAS, said: "We do have to do a slight detour but the distance is made up in speed.

"Our vehicles have been getting heavier and we work closely with the bridge master so we know that if there is a dire emergency situation and traffic is bad in Bristol he will close the bridge so that we can still use it."

Fire engines are also unable to use the bridge.

All vehicles are weighed as they approach the suspension bridge and if the weight limit is exceeded an alarm is triggered and the barriers allowing access remain closed.



Oooops!



Angus

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE