Cloggy Cleggy: Where’s your mobile?: But I don’t have a wooden car: Fore! Shark!: Mountie and the Moose: and a pussy nest.

Enormous amounts of lack of warm, not a whimsy of solar stuff, just as much atmospheric movement and oodles of ex skywater at the Castle this morn; spent yesterday clamped to the toilet with my head in a bucket (or was it the other way round? The old memory isn’t what it was), my own fault I entered the dreaded doctors surgery without my bio-suit, wellies and disposable gloves and staggered through the heaving piles of snotty nosed, vomiting brats to get my anti falling dahn and laying in vomit pills, but the good news is that my rear exit has cooled dahn to red hot and the world has stopped spinning.

 

And talking of rear ends

What’s his name, who apparently speaks five languages fluently, chose to conduct a recent meeting at the Cabinet Office with Herman Van Rompuy, the European Council president, entirely in Dutch.

“Nick enjoys being able to talk Dutch,” the Liberal Democrat leader's spokesman tells Mandrake. “Similarly, when he meets leaders from France or Latin America, he’ll speak French and Spanish. It’s very much appreciated when he goes.

"Usually at these meetings, there’ll be an aide who can speak Dutch, too, but [this time] I don’t think there was a No 10 aide there at all.”  

Cloggy Cleggy’s mother is allegedly from the land of wacky baccy, which does explain a lot...

 

British website mobileinsurance has listed some of the most far-fetched claims it has received in the last 12 months

 

And here are the top seven or eight or nine or so.

One woman lost her Nokia when she baked it into a Victoria sponge cake intended for her daughter’s birthday party.

A couple on a cruise tried to photograph themselves re-enacting the 'I'm the king of the world' scene from the movie Titanic, but lost their phone over the side.

A Bristol woman in her twenties shamelessly told insurers that she'd worn out the vibrate function on her BlackBerry Bold 9900 by using it as an "adult toy".

One Liverpool girl in her twenties found out her boyfriend had been cheating on her and threw her HTC Desire X at him, but it hit the wall.

Another complained that her Samsung Galaxy was snatched by a rogue seagull while she was walking her dog on Barry Island in South Wales.

A construction worker put in a claim for a phone that he said he had dropped down the toilet.

A pyrotechnician suffered another workplace accident while putting on a show at the National Fireworks Championships in Plymouth. It was only as the smoke cleared that he realised he'd left his iPhone 3GS in the 'blast zone'.

A man who told his insurance company his iPhone had been stolen by monkeys at a Safari Park. He was trying to film the animals at the time.

Meanwhile a tight arsed fan wanted to go to a Blur concert in Hyde Park without paying for a ticket. He ended up dropping his new iPhone whilst trying to film it from a tree.

And:

A farmer claims to have lost his iPhone up the rear end of a cow while using it as a torch during calving.

Only the pyrotechnician and the Blur fan had their claims rejected by the company.


Now where did I put it?

 

East to the land of.....stuff

Featuring a body made exclusively from high-quality wood and decorated with intricate carvings, the Achilles has been turning heads on the streets of Ho Chi Minh City.

The one-of-a-kind vehicle was created by Le Nguyen Khang, owner of Binh Duong-based wood processing firm Le Lumber. He told reporters the idea of building a wooden car started off as a joke, while he was talking to an English friend who works in the travel business. One day, he jokingly asked Khang, “Working in the wood processing industry, can you make me a wooden car?”

So he did; the sketch for his unusual automobile was completed in April of 2011, and with the help of 11 of his best employees, he worked on it for 16 months. The Achilles was finally completed last month, and as soon as he started driving it around the city, people assaulted him with all kinds of questions and requests to have their pictures taken with it.

The entire body of the 4.6m-long and 1.8m-wide vehicle is made from imported wood like xylia xylocarpa, ash, and walnut, His company logo is carved on the front of the car, on the background of a dragon, while the two front sides are covered with the patterns of a dragon, unicorn, turtle, and phoenix, the four traditional sacred animals which represent power, beauty, and nobility.

Hope he has third party, fire and woodworm insurance…

 

Left to the land of a waste of a walk

 

A worker at San Juan Hills Golf Club found a 2lb leopard shark on the 12^th tee and put it into fresh water... before a colleague remembered it's a sea creature and mixed some salt into his water.

The shark had puncture wounds where it appeared a bird had snagged it from the Pacific Ocean, about five miles away.

A golf club employee rushed the shark to the ocean where it was very still for a few seconds before twisting around and speeding off.

 

That could ruin your stroke…

 

Up a bit to the place where her Maj still rules

 

An officer with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police was injured early on Thursday after being charged by a bull moose while driving on patrol in central British Columbia.

The officer was driving toward two moose at an intersection in the small community of Prince Rupert in an attempt to head off another vehicle approaching the same junction.

As the officer neared the animals, a bull moose charged his vehicle, breaking the front bumper as it jumped on the roof of the car. The moose began stomping and kicking, and a hoof broke the driver's side window, injuring the officer.

The moose then jumped on the trunk of the car and finally back on the road.

The officer suffered bruising on his left shoulder, but did not require medical attention. He finished his shift and went home to rest, the police said.

 I imagine the insurance claim read- I was proceeding in a westerly direction when a moose jumped out and jumped onto the car, it then jumped onto the roof, jumped up and down kicking in the side window, jumped off and ran away:-nah they’ll never believe that Sarge….

 

And finally:

 

Where do you keep your pussy?

 

Monsieur Louis Coulon, born in 1827 was the owner of a 3.3-meter-long beard, and the progenitor of the "Hirsute Kitten Cathedral Look."

Kept his little pussy in his facial fuzz.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to do a bit of alchemy

 

And today’s thought:

What do you mean it’s on vibrate?

 

 

Angus

Red Lorry, Yellow lorry: Taxi! I need a phone: Too late to rob; Ring pull peril; and Panda Poo.

Bloody cold this morn, I knew that while still under the duvet because the cat was wrapped round my head like a Davy Crockett hat (remember those?) and I can’t stop sneezing.










Today is not a very good day, it is ‘our’ 38th wedding anniversary, we were married in Manor Park, Aldershot, and there was an inch of snow on the ground, the frost today is very reminiscent of then, happy days.









Anyway, not your problem, I see that former Commons Speaker Lord Martin has said MPs were "bullied" into referring their expense claims for investigation.

He said journalists with no "prima facie" evidence would justify running stories on MPs by persuading someone to call for an investigation.

"Vexatious" complaints were often made against MPs in marginal seats, he said.

Lord Martin was elevated to the Lords after being effectively forced out as Commons Speaker in May over the way he had handled the row over MPs' expenses.

What a load of bollocks, and he didn’t do too badly out of it did he.

And, Government bodies and councils have been ''blind'' to the needs of white working class communities, Cabinet minister John Denham has said.

The communities Secretary called for a new focus on the needs of poor whites affected by mass immigration.

And he said state agencies charged with tackling inequality and disadvantage should no longer focus solely on ethnic minority groups.

Instead they must ''re-assess'' their priorities to include poor whites as well.

And about bloody time, Gord doesn’t help when he says things like “our priority will be middle class families” Nu Labour, head up arse syndrome.

First up:

As it is the day that the Lisbon treaty comes into force, I thought I would include this little tale:

Mega trucks, (25 metres long and 60 tonnes weight) are in danger of being imposed on the UK by EU bureaucrats using unsound biased research.

Middle ranking European Commission officials have rehashed previous flawed research, which distorts the argument in favour of mega trucks.
Mega trucks, which the consultants themselves state are individually more dangerous than a standard HGV, relies on a significant reduction in lorry miles, which we have exposed as unfounded.

Isn’t there a means of transport which is just as big and can carry much more? Oh yes it is called a TRAIN!

Need a mobile? Ask a cabbie

Londoners lose an average of 10,000 mobile phones in the back of taxis every month, with Christmas the worst time.

A further 1,000 other portable technologies like laptops or iPods are also left in black cabs each month, according to a survey of cab drivers in the capital.

Steve McMenara, a spokesman for TAXI, the magazine of the Licensed Taxi Driver Association, said: "It’s a known fact that this is the worst time of year for forgetting 'property' in the back of cabs, but especially mobile phones and laptops as they slip onto the floor or get forgotten on the seats as passengers rush onto their next destination with their hands full.

"More people travel into London to buy their Christmas presents during this period who are not regular cab users, they hop a cab to get back to their train stations – and it’s always about an hour later we get a panicked call on their mobile phones asking for them to be returned."

The survey was carried out on behalf of a security firm, Credant Technologies. Sean Glynn, vice-president, told The Register: "We carry out our taxi survey regularly and it’s clear that none of us are infallible, especially at this busy time of year, when it’s all too easy to forget things when you’re travelling.”

"It used to be small items like brollies and briefcases stuffed full of boring office papers. Now it’s laptops, smart phones and thumb drives, all chock-full of valuable information to an identity thief."

Bet it’s not “young” people who lose them because most of them have mobiles surgically attached to their ears.

Numpty of the week (so far)

From over the pond and west-ish a bit: A bank robber arrived six minutes after the Guardian Credit Union in Waukesha closed. Police said a man wearing a ski mask entered the first set of doors at 5:36 p.m. Wednesday with a gun, apparently not realizing the bank was closed.

The second set of doors was locked and police were called but the man left before they arrived.

Waukesha Police Sgt. Jerry Habanek told The Freeman in Waukesha that police are reviewing security tapes and investigating. He said the robber could have planned poorly or possibly had another reason, like getting tied up in traffic.

Or maybe he is just a NUMPTY without a watch.

Swallowed your ring?

Again from over the big wet salty thing, to the windy city: Beverage can tops are still finding their way into the stomachs of some children, especially teens, despite being redesigned in the 1970s to keep people from swallowing them, U.S. researchers said on Monday.

A 16-year study at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Centre found 19 children had swallowed the safety tabs, which are designed to fold back but stay attached to cans for soda and other beverages.

"I think we all know if you fiddle with these stay tabs, you can easily break them off," Dr. Lane Donnelly, who led the study, told reporters at the Radiological Society of North America meeting in Chicago.

The study included children aged 1 to 18 at his medical centre, but he suspects many cases go unreported.

Donnelly said he suspected children break off the tab, drop it into the soda can and inadvertently swallow the tab. When broken, the tabs have jagged edges that could perforate the stomach or intestine.

Since the tabs are made from aluminium, they are much harder to detect on an X-ray than coins, which babies and toddlers often swallow, Donnelly said.

He said parents should be aware of the problem and that beverage companies might consider a newer design that makes the tabs harder to break off.

As for the children in his study, none required surgery, although one was sent home with explicit instructions from the emergency department that read: "No sucking on can tops."

The world is a dangerous place.

And finally:

Wang Wang and Funi

From South more than a lot but not quite as far South as you can go:

A predicted $600 million-plus tourism boom from Adelaide Zoo's new giant pandas will see no marketing opportunity go to waste, including capitalising on Wang Wang and Funi's waste.

They say in life you only get out what you put in and in the case of giant pandas, that is almost literally true.

Adelaide Zoo CEO Chris West explains.

"That's right. Panda poo rather looks like strained chopped bamboo," he said.
"It's very undigested."

Panda passings are low in nutrients but high in micro-organisms.

Television gardening expert Malcolm Campbell thinks it is a great product.

"Dig it in and the micro-organisms start to work on locked up nutrients in your soil. Great benefit," he said.

Adelaide Zoo has long marketed other animals' droppings and will now add them to those from the giant pandas to boost the nutritional value.

There are other ways to turn the dung into treasure too:

In Thailand, panda poo is used to produce paper.

In Chengdu in China, where Wang Wang and Funi were from, they even turn the droppings into statues.

And they are not as 'on the nose' as might be expected.

"The oils in the bamboo are released and if you crumble up a fresh piece of panda poo I think it's quite a sweet smell," Mr West said.

The marketing opportunities pandas provide are nothing to sneeze at.

The Zoo has the copyright on the names Wang Wang and Funi and cartoon images of the pandas.

Proceeds from official merchandise will go towards conservation efforts.

Adelaide already has a broad range of official products available but has some way to go to match overseas zoos, which market everything from panda-branded food and drink to cigarettes.

The sweet smell of success.


Angus

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