Royal read my post: Money for nothing: The door now landing in Washington: Tanks for the accident: Shotgun golf: and a really, really ugly piece of “art”.

Heaps of solar stuff, not a lot of lack of cold stuff, not even a promise of atmospheric movement and even less wet stuff at the Castle this morn.

I threw caution to the wind yestermorn and perpetrated a vast amount of vandalism on the garden, the hedges have been hedged, the borders bordered, the pots potted, the shrubs reduced in vertical distance and the moss mowed, unfortunately the wind returned the favour and now I can hardly move-ain’t gardening fun?

 

All across data protected Blighty

Allegedly if you are unfortunate enough to have to claim the pittance handed out to the not so well orf you should be prepared for your local postman Pat to open and sort your application.

According to the Independent confidential medical information from sick and disabled people applying for welfare benefits is opened and sorted by Royal Mail staff on behalf of the Government without the claimant's knowledge or consent.

The Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) routinely uses Royal Mail to process the thousands of benefits claims, including health data, it receives every day.

For example, people applying for sickness benefits such as employment support allowance (ESA) must first complete a detailed medical questionnaire explaining their conditions, prescribed medication and therapies, and the names and addresses of their doctors and nurses.

The form, which also includes highly sensitive questions about addictions and mental illness, is then posted in a pre-addressed envelope to the DWP or Atos Healthcare – the Paralympics sponsor paid by the Government to carry out controversial assessments of claimants' capacity to work.

However, it has emerged that these envelopes are routinely opened and the contents sorted by the Royal Mail, unless the envelope is specifically marked "private and confidential". In those cases they are sent to Atos unopened, according to the DWP.

The DWP said security measures were in place to minimise the risk of any data breaches, including CCTV in sorting rooms and procedures that mean at least two people open the mail together.

 

Which doubles the chance of your “confidential” information escaping the net....

 

And keeping the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition in the sniper sight

It seems that the reshuffle of the above’s sideboard will cost the taxpayer more than £250,000 in tax-free redundancy pay-outs.

The ministers will receive thousands of pounds each because of the decision by U-Turn Cam and what’s his name’s decision to over-haul the Cabinet two and a half years into the life of the Coalition.

Under the 1991 Ministerial and Other Pensions and Salaries Act, ministers are entitled to three months of their ministerial salary when they are forced out of office.

In the reshuffle 28 paid ministers and one unpaid minister lost their jobs – about one in four of the Government.

The payments are triggered if a minister has not found another role in Whitehall three weeks after leaving.

They range according to seniority, from £17,207 for a secretary of state to £5,924 for a Parliamentary under Secretary, the lowest paid ministerial role in Government.

The money will be paid tax-free because it is less than £30,000, the level at which at which tax starts to be paid on redundancy pay-outs.

Calculations by The Daily Telegraph suggest the pay outs to ministers will total £249,027 – excluding payments to special advisers who have lost jobs with their ministers.

 

But don’t forget-well, you know the rest...and I thought that redundancy payments could only be made on proper jobs...

 

Left quite a lot to the home of the plane and the land of a new president

The US Federal Aviation Administration has confirmed that a piece of metal that fell to the ground in a Kent, Washington, neighbourhood was part of a Boeing 767's landing gear door.

Witnesses said the refrigerator-size panel hit the ground and skipped about 30 feet before stopping in a street.
No one in the neighbourhood about 15 miles south of Seattle was hurt.

Neighbours said a cargo jet flew low over the area at about the same time the part came down.

Photos on news station KOMO's website show part of an identification plate on the object that has the word "aircraft" along with a serial number.

FAA officials are not saying if they have located the plane that the part came from.

 

Should be easy enough to find....

 

Right to the place where multi function knives are rife

A Swiss van driver had an amazing escape - when he survived a collision with an army tank.

Soldiers on military exercises in Unterrealta, Switzerland, had been controlling traffic to allow a column of tanks to pass through a junction safely.

But they failed to see the mini truck speeding through - straight into the path of a 15 tonne tank.

"He hit the tank and bounced off and rolled over three or four times before coming to a halt. It was a heck of a whack," said one eye witness.

Police say the driver and two passengers are recovering in hospital.

"Three men were injured. The military were in full control of the junction," said a police spokesman.

 

Or not.....

 

Left a fairway again to a fairway

 

Jeff Fleming, 53, of Reno is accused of opening fire with a shotgun on a golfing twosome, hitting one man who was treated at a hospital and released, police said on Friday.

Fleming was taken into custody at a local attorney's office where he fled following the shooting, Reno police said in a statement.

Fleming was booked into the Washoe County jail on suspicion of battery and assault with a deadly weapon late on Thursday and later released on bail.

Police say he opened fire at the 16th hole of Reno's Lakeridge Golf Course after one of the golfers shattered a window of his house with a ball. Fleming, whose home overlooks the course, had a verbal argument with the golfers before the shooting, police said.

 

Moral-if you don’t want golf balls through your windows; don’t buy a bleedin house next to a golf course....

 

And finally:

 

Back in conservation Blighty

 

A futuristic house which won the Royal Academy of Arts' prestigious architecture prize has been ridiculed by neighbours who claim it looks like a UFO and is still not finished after six years.

Residents living in Wood Lane in Highgate, north London, say work on the house has been going on since 2006 and that it still looks like a 'scrap yard'.

They are fed up that the house - which they say looks like a 'giant spaceship.....complete with UFO-style elevated gangway' - is making the street 'a mess' and forcing property prices down.

The house, which is in a conservation area surrounded by homes built in the late 18th century, was designed by architects Birds Portchmouth Russum (BPR) and is owned by partner in the firm Mike Russum.

Last year the design won the Architecture Prize at the Royal Academy's Summer Exhibition, which described the posh pad as a 'four-storey house (which) maximises the potential of a narrow infill site'.

But neighbours have this week slammed the house - saying it makes the prestigious road look a 'total and utter mess' with its fenced off entrance, scattered traffic cones and blue tarpaulin.

They are now demanding to know when the house - which is wedged between two existing homes - will be finished, six years since construction work began.

Neighbour Judith Steiner, who has lived on Wood Lane since 1970, said this week: "I originally supported the idea of having a home for the 21st century on the street.

"But work has been going on for years and now it just looks like a scrap yard surrounded by a chain link fence - it looks like something from War of the Worlds."

Another neighbour, who has lived in the street for the past 10 years but who did not want to be named, said: "It looks like a giant UFO just about to land.

Owner Mike Russum blamed planning laws, which he says delayed the completion of the house.

 

Should be finished really quickly now then...still bloody ugly though....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to prick the Heisenberg uncertainty principle

 

And today’s thought:

 

No she went to Vegas on her own....

 

Angus  

Pay up-and up-and up....: Royal fail gets Bronze: Avez-vous le ‘ump: Signs of the w-anchor Dahn Unda: Dead Possums mean prizes: and you say banana or is it Boa?

A drop of solar stuff, not a sign of wet stuff and more than a bit of lack of cold stuff at the Castle this last of the summer wine morn.

Finally managed to drive dahn to the “recycling centre”, unloaded the Honda, made it back to the Castle and spent the rest of the day ‘resting’ on the four-poster watching some of the sporty thing up in the Smoke and catching up on some kip.

Just got back from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, his fave Whiskas meat in jelly has gorn up from three squids to three squids and 39p’s-robbing bastards...

All over excited Blighty

Allegedly the Student Loans Company (SLC) has taken a lesson from the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition math prowess and managed to take tens of millions of pounds extra from graduates.

Tens of thousands of people have been advised to apply for refunds from the Student Loans Company (SLC) after it emerged that the firm had collected an additional £36.5m from them in 2010-11 alone.

More than 63,000 former students carried on repaying from their salary, often for months, after they had paid off loans taken out to fund university education.

The average amount overpaid was £577, although several graduates claim they paid out several thousand pounds more than they owed.

And of course it is “someone else’s fault”.

According to the SLC the problem is caused because HMRC only tells it how much has been paid by each borrower once a year, usually a few weeks after the financial year ends in April. The time lag means graduates who settled their loans during the year may not have their direct payments stopped until several months later, when the SLC has received confirmation of how much they have paid.

Wankers....

And staying with the tosspot theme

The Royal Mail has promised to paint a post box in Olympic cycle champion Laura Trott's home town gold, after first painting one in the wrong place.

Trott, with cyclists Dani King and Joanna Rowsell, won a gold medal in the Olympic team pursuit contest.

The Royal Mail decided to paint a post box in Harlow, where Trott was born.

But after Trott tweeted that her hometown is Cheshunt, Herts, the firm said it would paint one there also. 

All the employees of the Royal Fail have to be able to do one thing-read, and they can’t even do that properly, still maybe things will improve once it becomes privatised....

Across the Channel and in the Smoke

It seems that Le French are not chuffed with Blighty’s doings at the big sporty thing.

France’s cycling chief, Isabelle Gautheron, said she is ‘perplexed’ by the dominance in the Velodrome by the likes of Victoria Pendleton and Sir Chris Hoy.

And journalists across the Channel have cast aspersions over what they might be ‘missing’ that has propelled British athletes to triumph.

Last week French president Françoise Hollande taunted Britain over his country’s early success before Team GB’s first gold, saying London had ‘rolled out a red carpet for French athletes to win medals’.

But after the tide turned, Ms Gautheron said of British cyclists: ‘They have not dominated the last four years – they were among the best teams with Australia, Germany and France. Here, they crush everyone. Girls, especially, are four seconds ahead in the pursuit.

Ouest France journalist Thierry Vautrat posted on Twitter: ‘Ennis? She’s a bit unreal. Wonder how she could win the 800m so easily, with no pain. Surprising.’

 

Oh dear what a shame-Na-na-na-na-na....

Dahn Unda

Three giant billboards used in a road safety campaign have apparently caused offence, informing Australian motorists 'not to drive like a knob/ w-anchor or a cock'.

The signs, placed prominently on a motorway running between South Australia and Victoria, have attracted a host of complaints from residents.

It prompted independent MP Bob Such to write a letter to road safety minister Jennifer Rankine, on behalf of his constituency, calling for their removal.

However the removal demand has been rejected by South Australia officials, with Ms Rankine arguing that the results of the campaign 'vastly outweigh it being labelled as irresponsible'.

The campaign has shown encouraging results, with a reported reduction in drink driving, speeding and seatbelt non-compliance.

Apart from the wankers, knobs and cocks of course....

Still Dahn Unda and right a bit

Kids at the Uruti School in New Zealand hosted an annual fundraising pig hunt which is a bit odd, but as part of the pig hunt festivities students participated in a contest that involved dressing dead possums in bizarre costumes -- including, a boxing possum, an artist possum, and a dead-possum bride.

While New Zealand’s Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals were not amused, the school raised over $8,000 -- twice what it had hoped to bring in. 

And the Barby went down like a dead possum….

And finally: 

Back in sporty Blighty

A woman was left shocked when she discovered that what she thought was a banana in her bathroom was actually a 4ft long boa constrictor.

Stacey Way, 28, was cleaning the bathroom floor when she noticed a yellow object next to the water pipe.

She assumed it was a banana her toddler had shoved down the side, and went to fetch her gloves to pick it up, but forgot about it.

A few days later she was bathing her two daughters and wiped the floor again when she suddenly saw the object move.

On closer inspection, she realised that the 'banana' actually had a mouth - and that it was a snake.

She went to a nearby reptile centre to ask for help but they were forced to call the RSPCA, who told them the floorboards would need to be removed to rescue the beast.

But as the property was rented, the officer advised her to leave a tub full of water on the bathroom floor to entice the snake out.

When Stacey checked a few hours later the creature had fully emerged and the reptile centre were able to collect it from her home in Parkstone, Dorset.

Banana; Boa close…..

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at virtual reality

And today’s thought:

It’s OK your prostate’s fine Olympics

Angus

Royal Fail strikes again: “national retirement service”: Talking toilet mints: $168,000 a bottle plonk: Big jumping De-daw: and searching for Mokele-mbeme.

Wet, cold, dingy and dismal at the Castle this morn, the Honda is still covered in yellow stuff despite the skywater, his Maj is sulking on the sofa and the elbow is finally fixed.

Weeks after the cost of a First Class stamp increased from 46p to 60p and Second Class from 36p to 50p.

The Royal Fail has come up with another Cupid Stunt ploy to screw the public.

They have cut nearly 6,500 collections at the UK’s 115,000 post boxes last year, and brought forward final collection times at thousands more post boxes to save money.

In some rural parts of the country the last post is now being picked up as early as nine in the morning, Royal Mail admitted.

Royal Mail cut collections at nearly 6,453 post boxes and moved the last post to earlier in the day at 4,287 post boxes in the 12 months to 27 February 2012.

I suppose they have to pay for postman Pat’s pensions somehow.....

 

And talking of Cupid Stunts

Ex Prime Monster’s Big Society tsar “Lord” (U-Turn Cam is my mate) Wei reckons that Baby boomers should be encouraged to complete “national service” for pensioners after they retire.

And that old farts should be working part-time, volunteering for charities, or sharing their business experience with young entrepreneurs would help older people avoid boredom in retirement.

A pilot project is being established to develop the “national retirement service” concept, which would begin by targeting new pensioners on cruises, or other holidays and leisure activities.

They would then be encouraged to make contact with others in the same age group living nearby to discuss what to do with the years ahead.

Lord Wei’s plan could win support in government as ministers are sympathetic to moves to encourage older people to volunteer in retirement.

The Tory peer said ensuring 55-65 year-olds continue to be engaged in the lives of younger people was essential to avoid “war” between generations.

His plan followed a call from the minister for civil society, Nick Hurd, who suggested last year that the baby boom generation should volunteer when they retire instead of spending all their free time playing golf.

Fuck orf you pair of twats; aren’t fifty bleedin years working your nuts orf enough for you Thatcher generation Pillocks...

Left to the place where taking a pee can be confusing

Michigan is hoping to keep drunks off the road with the help from a special bathroom message.

The state says talking urinal-deodorizer cakes have been distributed to Michigan Licensed Beverage Association members in Wayne, Bay, Ottawa and Delta counties. A recorded message will play reminding men who step up to the urinals to call a cab or a friend, if needed, to get home safely.

The messages are part of a state wide Fourth of July education and enforcement effort. A kickoff is planned Monday at Detroit pub The Old Shillelagh.

What abaht the “ladies” then....

Dahn Unda

The most expensive wine ever sold directly from a winery will go on sale this week, from the Australian vintner Penfolds. The limited edition release of the 2004 Penfolds Block 42 Cabernet Sauvignon is priced at $168,000 a bottle.

The wine’s distinctive price comes from its rarity. The wine was made from the oldest producing cabernet sauvignon vines in the world, transplanted from France to Australia in the 1830s.

Later planted at the Kalimna Vineyard in the Barossa Valley, northeast of Adelaide, the vines today provide unequalled juice, but little of it. Only 12 bottles of the 2004 vintage will be sold.

To add further cachet, Penfolds commissioned an ampoule of scientific grade glass to hold it from three Australian artists: Nick Mount, who designed and hand-blew the glass; silversmith Hendrik Forster, who prepared the precious metal detailing; and furniture craftsman Andrew Bartlett, made the bespoke Jarrah cabinet.

Wonder what Danger Mouse would say.....

 

Big, nasty jumping arachnid

And finally:

Right to the place that rhymes with bongo

A team of explorers is setting out to discover once and for all whether Africa’s monster known as Mokele-mbeme is fact or fiction.

The team of Dino hunters arrived in the Congo capital of Brazzaville on Tuesday with an array of firearms for protection.

‘It would be wholly unwise to travel where we are going without firearms,’ said spokesman for the group Joe Marrero, 28.

‘We plan to be in the jungle for three months searching for the mokele and other new species and can only carry so much food.’

He and two others - expedition leader and biologist Stephen McCullah, 21, and Sam Newton, 22, all from the US - begin their search next month.

Good luck with that...

That’s it: I’m orf to snap the speed of light 

And today’s thought;

I'll scratch my bum wimbledon.

Angus

Royal Mail fail: Job costs: Orbiting the Olympics: Bangers and Mash point (without the mash): Costa club: Fish bites cat: and want a Sea Shadow?

The big yellow thing has finally appeared at the Castle this morn, bit chilly with a whimsy of wind but it is DRY!-so far.

Yestermorn (just) a postcard dropped onto the mat inside the portcullis from the Royal Fail to inform me that apparently they couldn’t deliver something because the sender failed to pay the ransom by a whole 9p, and they want to charge me £1 for the privilege:

If I want to retrieve my goods I can -

Go to www.royalmail.com/fee2pay and pay

Put £1.09 worth of stamps on said ransom demand and stagger dahn to the post-box, and then wait another week.

Drive dahn to the ‘sorting office’, pay £1 to park and then hand over £1.09 in cash to the kidnappers.

 

Allegedly they will keep my goods which I own (a small pack of 20mm fence staples for the bamboo screen) for eighteen days and then post it back to the sender.

Is it me or has Blighty gone completely barmy? Click on the pic to read this load of old bollocks.

According to the National Audit Office

Each new job created by a flagship government scheme could cost taxpayers as much as £200,000.

The Regional Jobs Fund was designed to help businesses create private sector jobs in parts of the country with high levels of public sector employment.

But the National Audit Office (NAO) said value for money had not been "optimised".

The government has already made changes to improve the scheme, Business Secretary Vince Cable claimed.

The NAO examined the first £1.4bn awarded from the fund and found it could lead to an extra 41,000 jobs over the next seven years.

The average cost per job created was £33,000, but they said the cost could vary "from under £4,000 to over £200,000".

 

Another Piss Poor Policy from “our” coulda, woulda, shoulda Millionaires Club Coalition...

Up in the Smoke

The big red helter skelter has been opened, the completed steel sculpture - known as ArcelorMittal Orbit - stands at the heart of the Olympic Park.

It was designed by Turner Prize-winning artist Anish Kapoor and structural designer Cecil Balmond.

From the end of July, visitors will be able to climb on the £22.7m structure to take in panoramic views across London's skyline.

With a height of 114.5 metres (376ft), it is the tallest sculpture in the UK.

Visitors will be able to go up the 35-storey structure in a lift, and will have the option of walking down its spiralling staircase.

Steel company ArcelorMittal provided £19.2m towards the cost of building the Orbit, with the remaining £3.1m being funded by London Development Agency.

Oh joy-I hope there is plenty of rust proofing on it....

Still in the Olympic orifice

A butcher has invented a device to be stocked with gourmet goodies such as cheese stuffed bangers and rare white varieties.

 And to access the meaty treats, all customers have to do is use their credit card and pin number.

Steffen Schutze, 31, also sells marinated steak and chicken wings from the machine, but admits that sausages are his main seller.

"It's a great idea for busy people who can't get to the shops. Now all he needs is another machine to dispense potatoes," said one customer.

Yeah right...

And talking of food Paris, the City of lots of people in France, is also the city with the most expensive club sandwich in the world, according to a global survey released Wednesday by an online travel service. Hotels.com said it price-checked club sandwiches at more than 750 hotels in 26 cities in Asia, Europe, North America and South America to help travellers size up the affordability of different national capitals. The result? Paris topped the list with an average price of $33.10 for the iconic chicken, bacon, egg, lettuce and mayonnaise sandwich that's a fixture on virtually every hotel restaurant and room-service menu. Geneva placed second at $32.56, followed by Oslo at $30.50. New Delhi was cheapest at $9.57. Berlin and Brasilia were bang in the middle at $17.77 each -- slightly more expensive than New York's $16.93.

Tokyo came in at $27.65, Hong Kong at $18.35, London at $18.71 and Toronto at $16.05.





I’m orf to New Delhi then-with a bucket...and a toilet roll...and a butt plug...

Somewhere on the Ethernet

A pussy turns into a chicken.

And finally:

On one of the big wet salty things

The US military has put its $195 million stealth ship built back in 1984 (but the world didn't see the Sea Shadow for nine years because it was loaded with the type of stealth technology that made the US Air Force's F-35 Lightning II so famous)  up for sale, starting price is $50,000 .

The snag is that once you own it you have to scrap it.

"The ex-Sea Shadow shall be disposed of by completely dismantling and scrapping within the USA," the description on the sale item reads.

"Dismantling is defined as reducing the property such as it has no value except for its basic material content."

Not much of a bargain then...but if you want a pile of metal you can bid on it Here

That’s it: I’m orf to buy her Maj’s knickers at W.H smith

And today’s thought:

21^st century delivery system

Angus  

Dwarf King: PO “locals”: Oh no-no Cocoa: Painting the town: Chuffin Crimbo: and Poodle plod.

Layers of the white crusty stuff at the Castle this morn, the butler is happily storing fat teenagers in the furnace, his Maj managed to go out, do his business and return to the warm in less than a minute and the ducks are ice skating on the moat.

In poor old lonely Blighty

Think of the barmiest thing you can imagine and then add a bit-Old fart and still living in Politico world Tony Benn has come up with a stonking plan.

He thinks that the Queen could be replaced by the House of Commons' Speaker in a republican Britain which maintains a titular head of state.

"If you're looking for a titular head of state I think the Speaker of the House of Commons would be perfect - he's respected, he understands the constitution," Mr Benn added.

 

Bollocks; dopey can’t even control his missus, let alone the country....

And from next June

Allegedly Up to 2,000 rural post offices will close from next summer and be replaced by limited counter services in garages and shops.

Under plans that will be rolled out from June, one fifth of the branch network will be converted into new "PO Locals", which offer a downgraded service within other commercial premises.

Customers will not be able to apply for driving licences, send post bulky mail overseas, pay car tax or make cash withdrawals using passbooks.

The changes will affect one in five of the 11,500 post offices across the country.

Last night the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills, which is expected to take over the running of the post office network from Royal Mail in April next year, defended the plans.

Customers would also benefit from being able to access post office services round the clock, during the hours that the convenience store or garage is open.

A BIS spokesman said: “The Post Office network will be maintained at its current size and coverage of 11,500 outlets nationwide and strict access criteria must be met to ensure reasonable access to services for all.

“This is about making sure that people have access to the services they want and need from their post office, at times they want them, and making running a post office more profitable for hard working sub-postmasters.”

As long as they don’t want to “apply for driving licences, send post bulky mail overseas, pay car tax or make cash withdrawals using passbooks.”

  

Stock up on choc

Apparently a shortage of cocoa could lead to a drop in production of chocolate all over the world.

Industry insiders predict a one-million-ton shortage of cocoa within eight years, fuelled by growing demand in Asia, mainly from China.

It means an area the size of the Ivory Coast must become included in cocoa cultivation to boost production to the required levels.

Farmers also need more training to help increase their cocoa bean crops or prices will rise, warn experts.

More cocoa substitutes could be used in making chocolate.

That’ll make finding fat teenagers for the furnace a bit harder for the butler....

East to the land that isn’t China

Tucked away in one corner of the large city of Taichung, Taiwan lies a modest ‘military dependents’ village’ – a community built in the late 1940s and the 1950s to serve as provisional housing for Nationalist soldiers, but ended up becoming permanent settlements.

Over the years, many military dependents' villages have suffered from urban problems such as housing dereliction, abandonment, urban decay, and urban slum. This drab place has now been transformed into a beautiful and vibrant tourist hotspot, thanks to the colourful paintings of Huang Yung-fu, an 86-year-old veteran from Taichung City.

Cheerful, hope he got planning permission...

Back in Chuffin Blighty

National Rail launched its new timetables yesterday.

Changes come into effect across the whole country and will remain in place until Sunday, 20 May 2012.

The main alterations affect service run by the following train operating companies: Arriva Trains Wales, c2c, Chiltern Railways, East Coast, East Midlands Trains, First Capital Connect, First Great Western, Grand Central, London Midland, Merseyrail, National Express East Anglia, Northern Rail, ScotRail, South West Trains , Southeastern and Stansted Express.

Among the changes are:

Retimed early morning trains between Bridgend and Cardiff have been retimed

An increased peak-time service at West Ham, giving additional connections to London Underground and Docklands Light Railway

Reduced journey times to and from London Marylebone

More East Coast trains calling at Berwick-upon-Tweed on Saturdays

An increased number of trains to and from Lincoln

An increased number of carriages on some peak-time Thameslink trains between Bedford and Brighton

A Sunday service during the winter months on the line between Par and Newquay

Faster journey times for several trains between London Paddington and Reading, and on Thames Valley branches (Henley-on-Thames / Marlow)

Additional carriages on trains to and from Walsall, Shrewsbury, Leamington Spa, Stourbridge, Hereford and Stratford-upon-Avon

Increased number of Chester services during the morning peak hours

A new service between Broxbourne and London Liverpool Street, and trains between Bishops Stortford and Stratford running every 30 minutes

Additional evening-peak services between Manchester Piccadilly, Marple, New Mills and Sheffield

Additional trains on several ScotRail routes, including Inverness - Glasgow and Edinburgh, Dundee - Glasgow, Elgin / Aberdeen - Inverness, and Ayr - Girvan

Additional train services during the day between Bromley South and Grove Park

 Click here for live arrivals and departures at your local station if you still have one.....

And finally:

Still over on the right

Police in the western Japanese prefecture of Tottori unveiled two unusual new recruits - a pair of toy poodles, the Nihonkai Shimbun reported.

Fuga, two, and Karin one, passed the police canine test in July and will be put to work finding missing hikers in the mountainous region.

The female toy poodles, one of which is gray and the other brown, also would take part in criminal manhunts, the report said.

Poodles are an unusual choice of police dog -- normally, larger breeds are preferred.

"Their trainers thought the dogs had keen senses and responded exceptionally well to commands," AFP quoted a spokesman as saying.

The remote Tottori prefecture, some 300 miles (480 kilometres) from Tokyo, does not have a full-time police canine force and relies on about 20 domestic dogs with special training to help when needed.

 

What can you say.....

  

That’s it: I’m orf to keep an eye on the weather. 

And today’s thought:

Angus

Saturday Snippets

Bonking Brits; Bouncing Baby: Camel Cash: Cash Compensation; and No Tongues




Not a good start to the day, the cat managed to miss her dirt tray and crapped on the floor, after I cleaned it up and fed her she decided to show who was boss and threw up in the same place, anyone want an incontinent bulimic cat?









Not a good day for certain MPs either, HM Customs is apparently ‘investigating’ 27 of them.

A spokeswoman said: "Inquiries are an integral part of HMRC's work, ensuring that everyone pays the right tax."

She added: "An inquiry does not necessarily mean that there is a problem. Most inquiries are quickly closed".

But, just to help them out Here is a link they can use.

I’m tired of all this aren’t you?










And the CWU General secretary Bill Hayes is hinting that there may be more postal strikes after the two that are planned before Christmas.

Mr Hayes also suggested that he was in a stronger position than former miners' leader Arthur Scargill in the 1980s.

The 24-hour strikes will begin on 22 October. On the first day, mail centre staff and drivers will strike. The next day it will be delivery and collection staff.

Well Bill, it’s not the Gov you need to worry about it’s the public, farting about with OUR mail is guaranteed to turn you and your members into the equivalent of Thatcher the milk snatcher.

But there is some good news:


First up:

Ten Minutes?

Researchers in Holland measured the sexual performance of nearly 500 men from five countries against the clock.

They found that British men had sex for 10 minutes on average before reaching an orgasm.

American men came second with an average performance of eight minutes, followed by the Dutch with a 6.5-minute innings.

Spaniards were fourth, giving their lovers 4.9 minutes of pleasure; while Turks trailed in last, clocking up an average 4.4 minutes.

One man, whose nationality was not identified, lasted just six seconds, the study by experts at Utrecht University in the Netherlands found.

However, another participant in the research put in a 52-minute performance before peaking.

A spokesman told The Sun: "The UK had the longest time. We found no major difference in those who used condoms. But men who drank alcohol before sex tended to last longer."


Keep it up chaps.

The train now running over the baby is at platform four

From OZ: - A 6-month-old baby had a miracle escape after his pram rolled onto the tracks and into the path of an oncoming train at a railway station in Melbourne.

Security video footage released on Friday shows the baby's mother looking away for a moment as the pram suddenly rolls off the edge of a station platform and onto the tracks at Ashburton station.

The mother looks back and panics as she watches the oncoming train hit the pram, dragging it about 130 feet along the track as the desperate driver tried to stop the train.

Miraculously, the baby boy survived with only minor injuries, including a bump to his head.

"The baby received a bump to his head and was distressed when we arrived. Luckily he was strapped into his pram at the time, which probably saved his life," Mr Wright said.

Michael Ferwerda, the Victoria state police sergeant, called Thursday's incident a "lucky escape" and said people should be cautious in train stations.

Maybe making the platform level might help.

Camel owner has the hump

The owner of a camel that was a beauty pageant contestant has demanded £160,000 in compensation from a Saudi Arabian oil company over the animal's death, according to reports.

The three-year-old black camel was grazing in a desert pasture about 150 miles west of Ahsa when it fell into a large hole dug to store crude oil.

Now the owner, Abdullah al-Saiari, is suing the oil giant Saudi Aramco for £160,000 in compensation for his prized camel.

Mr Saiari told the Saudi Gazette: "She was part of the Camel Beauty Contest."

The court had already contacted the beauty pageant's administrators to assess the value of the animal. A panel of camel experts set the beast's value at SR1 million, or £160,000.


Whatever floats your boat I suppose.

Postie that doesn’t know the rules

Dog owner Bruce Goulborn has won £450 compensation after his pet spaniel Benny chewed a parcel containing historic £5 notes which should not have been put through his letterbox.

Mr Goulborn, who should have signed for the package, wasn't in, and it fell into the jaws of his dog after the postman asked a neighbour to sign.

On Thursday, a court ordered Royal Mail to pay Bruce, from Rhyl, £450 compensation as the damaged notes are now only worth £350.

Last night the collector said Benny, 11, "thought it was his birthday" when he sunk his teeth into the parcel "like a chew toy".

The dog's teeth pierced two pristine 1937 white fivers from the Liverpool branch of the Bank of England which were being returned to him by a client who had paid for the registered delivery, Rhyl county court heard.

Royal Mail promise to cover losses under their special delivery services, but they argued Mr Goulborn could not "adequately prove" how much he paid for the notes.

But he produced a handwritten invoice showing the customer had stumped up £800, which he'd later refunded - leaving him out of pocket.

The postal service said compensation is based on actual loss - the amount it costs to acquire, purchase or manufacture the item, and not what it is worth at retail price.

Special deliveries are meant to be signed for only by the household the package is intended for. If the addressee isn't home, a card should be posted through the door saying they can collect it from a sorting office.

Awarding Mr Goulborn £450 compensation and £95 costs yesterday, district judge John Thomas said it was an "unusual scenario."

"Mr Goulborn is experienced in this field and has proved himself a credible and honest witness.

"This is an issue of fairness and Royal Mail do have a compensation scheme in place for customers who have problems with loss or damage to mail.

A Royal Mail spokesman said: "We will now have to consider the court judgement and respond accordingly.

"However, Royal Mail's position on payment of compensation for lost items remains unchanged and is based on actual loss."


Well done Royal Mail.




And finally:

No dribbling

The coach of the Bosnia-Herzegovina national football team has ordered players to kiss each other on the lips in order to create a special bond between team mates.

Miroslav Ciro Blazevic - who has Portsmouth star Asmir Begovic in his squad - said: "I take two of my players and tell them, 'Love him! Kiss him!' and he kisses him."

He claimed the unorthodox morale-boosting exercise has already proven successful: Mr Blazevic has taken the squad further than ever before in the World Cup.

“I tell them they have to kiss each other straight to the lips," the coach wrote in his column in Croatian news website net.hr.

"The secret of my success is in a unity of a squad. You can't do anything without an atmosphere in a team," he explained.
His revelation came after Vincenzo Santoruvo, the Italian striker, amazed fans by planting a kiss on a team mate's lips after scoring for Serie B club Frosinone.

Always had my doubts about football.



Angus

AnglishLit

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

Angus Dei politico